In May of 2012,
Marshall and Lily
hosted a baby shower
in the apartment.
All their friends were there.
So of course I made sure
to show up exactly...
three hours late.
Oh, no! Am I late?
Little bit.
Ah, I'm sorry, I would've gotten
here earlier; it's just, um...
You didn't want
to see Robin.
I didn't want to see Robin.
I know, it's childish.
She's not here, is she?
Actually...
Oh, no! Am I early?
Little bit.
Whoa, she got you
the red stroller?
Looks like I just blew her
out of the water.
Anyway, he left
before the party started.
Ah, I'm really sorry, I...
I just think it's
best if Robin and I
don't see each
other for a while.
Ted, it's fine;
I'm a child of divorce.
You guys keep fighting
all you want,
as long as the expensive gifts
keep coming.
Uh, so
how was the shower?
It was good,
although there was
one weird moment
with Barney's new
stripper girlfriend.
50 laps a day?
Oh, my goodness, young lady.
That is a lot.
Oh, is it?
Is it a lot, Grandma Lois?
Yes, my girlfriend
gets naked
and sits on guys' laps
for money.
And, yes, sometimes it's as
many as 50 laps in one day.
And maybe society
considers what she does
to be "disgusting,"
or "slutty,"
or verging on "prostitution,"
or actual "prostitution."
But you know what,
I accept her.
And if you can't do the same,
well, then shame on you.
Shame...
on...
you.
We were, um, talking
about swimming.
How I sometimes swim
50 laps a day.
Well,
it's great cardio.
Lois, can I top off
your champagne?
You know, it's funny,
you tell the average guy
you're dating a stripper,
he thinks it's awesome.
Heck, you tell your mom,
she high-fives you so fast,
she doesn't even
take off her oven mitts.
But if they had any idea
how difficult it is:
the jealousy,
the insecurity,
those high-fives would be
high-fives of condolence.
Barney, condolence high-fives
are not a thing.
They're a thing.
I'm afraid we're gonna
have to let you go.
Up top.
Ah, listen to me
and my boring couples' problems.
How are you?
How's the single life?
I wouldn't know.
After this whole Robin thing,
for the time being,
I'm laying low.
Laying low as in
sleeping with
a really short chick?
You guys doing 39?
I mean, I'm not seeing anyone.
I'm just, you know, trying
to get Robin out of my head.
You need a palate cleanser.
Barney, please,
don't try to set me up
with Quinn's stripper friends.
Oh, I wouldn't dream of it.
Why not, how many hints
do I have to drop?
No, I'm thinking of something
much more traditional.
Online dating.
Yeah, no thanks.
Come on, Ted! It's 2012.
What do you expect,
to meet some cute travel agent
when you're reading a newspaper
at a bookstore?
None of those things
exist anymore.
Barney, I will never, ever,
ever, try online dating.
That night
I tried online dating.
And kids, the first girl
I found was amazing:
beautiful, smart, funny, huge
fan of prewar architecture,
favorite poet Neruda,
favorite movie Ghostbusters,
and she didn't hate Cleveland.
She's perfect.
So I sent her an email,
inviting her to mini golf.
Hello.
Mini golf?
Mini golf? Who takes
a first date to mini golf?
I'm coming over!
Oh, Ted-Ted-Ted-
Teddy-Ted-Ted.
Who buzzed you in?
Did you really think you
could start dating online,
and I wouldn't find out?
But with thi-this
girl, sh-she was...
Me. She was me, Ted.
The photo was just of some girl
I knew you'd never seen before,
a very famous sports anchor
on ESPN:
Barney, I don't need you to
help me find a girl online.
Exactly because I've
already done it!
Three girls in fact.
I scoured the dating sites
using my own personal
logarithms,
factoring in a broad
spectrum of variables,
filtering out undesirable
high-risk negatives,
guaranteeing a success
rate of 83...
You picked the girls
that showed the most boob.
My methods get results.
Go out with
these three girls,
and your palate is going
to be so cleansed,
you will see
your reflection in it.
And when you do,
you can fix the hair, because...
Have you seen yourself?
No, but you know
what I have seen,
your stripper
girlfriend's cans. Wow.
Wow.
Wow, wow.
That was going way
too far, wasn't it?
I'm sorry.
My condolences.
Come on.
Man, Marshall's really
stressing out about this baby.
He's reading every book,
watching breast-feeding
documentaries.
I woke up the other day,
he had swaddled me.
Sure, it was the best night's
sleep I had had in months,
but still...
You know
what his latest thing is?
What the hell is that?
Marshall,
what is that?
I rigged this alarm
to go off every three hours.
I'm training myself for the
sporadic sleep patterns
of early parenthood.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have a practice-baby
to soothe.
You got to talk to him.
Yeah, I'll talk
to him tonight.
Maybe tomorrow morning.
One last swaddle?
It's just so cozy.
It's like sleeping
in a warm burrito.
Meanwhile,
Barney was about to have
a stripper's boyfriend's
worst nightmare.
Karma?
Oh, my gosh,
I didn't recognize you
without your legs
behind your head.
Darryl, I didn't
recognize you
without your
creepy trench coat.
How are you?
Great, you working tomorrow?
You know it.
Great. I'll be there
with bells on.
And by bells,
I mean super thin sweatpants.
Gross.
He's actually a nice guy.
She's so busy
as deputy mayor,
but I always get a card
on my birthday.
Quinn, I love the fact
that you're a stripper,
but I hate the fact
that you're a stripper.
Barney, I like my job.
And I do not need
to be rescued.
So, don't be that guy.
You're right, you're right.
I got it.
Forget I said anything.
Hmm.
I'll see you
tonight, Karma.
You got it,
Dirty Larry.
You have to quit your job!
That night, I went out
with the first girl
Barney picked for me.
There was just one problem.
Your name is Robin?
Yeah, with a Y.
Oh, Yobin.
No, Robin.
I go by ScotchAndGunLover
in my online profile,
'cause those are
my two favorite things.
Well, next to Canada,
my home and native land.
Oh. Canada.
And just like that,
Robyn became Robin.
How's it going, Ted?
Oh, good. Hey, look,
mommy's back from the bar!
Now I can finally take a shower.
This diaper smells.
I don't want to know.
Okay, Marshall,
sit down; we need to talk.
Look, I know
you mean well,
but we have five weeks
till the due date.
Can't we use this
time to just relax?
We'll figure out
how all this stuff
works after
the baby comes.
After the baby comes?
Yeah, we'll learn
on the job.
Learn on the j... Huh.
Wow, you know, Lily,
maybe the crisis here isn't that
I'm not ready to be a dad;
maybe it's that
you're not ready to be a mom!
Excuse me?
Yeah.
With that,
an argument began,
the details of which are still
hotly debated to this day.
For instance, Uncle Marshall
swears he never said:
I'm the only one making
sacrifices for this baby!
What?
And he claims he never
actually uttered the words:
It's like you don't even know
that you're pregnant!
While Lily insists
this part was exaggerated:
Baby's are easy; you just
watch them be cute
and feed them spaghetti!
But everyone agrees
this is how the argument ended:
Marshall, what I need now
is some peace, some quiet,
and now that it's out there,
some spaghetti.
Now, please help me off
the couch so I can storm out.
Huh!
The next day,
I filled Barney in on my date.
Oh, Yobin.
No, Robin.
And for the rest of the night,
every time I looked at her,
I just saw Robin's face.
Well, I should hope so.
No, our Robin.
Robin with an I.
Uh, our Robin has
two eyes, my friend.
But that's good. You're
forgetting what she looks like.
I'm sorry, that must
have been tough.
If anyone knows what
that feels like, it's me.
My condolences.
Okay. Moving on.
The next girl:
perfect palate cleanser.
Nothing like Robin.
How nothing?
I gaze out into the world
and all I see
is an icy place
where dreams die.
Ooh, lasagna.
How's it going, Ted?
What? No. What? Wh-Why?
Remember, I made lasagna
that one time.
That's all it takes?
It wasn't even lasagna;
you took your botched kugle
and poured tomato sauce on it.
I didn't say
it was good lasagna.
By the way, what are you doing
with this girl?
With tattoos all up
and down her arms and...
everywhere else.
Hello... good gravy.
Does that dragons tail go
all the way down to her...
Ohh, yes, it does.
Well, what do you want me
to do, Robin?
I have to get over you somehow,
and if this is what it takes...
Are you okay?
Yeah. Why?
You kind of spaced out there.
Weirdo.
"So, in summation,
I'm very, very sorry."
"I guess I just wanted
you all to myself,
"and then I thought of all the
creepy guys groping at your...
"Okay, I'm getting mad again,
"so I'm going to
stop writing now.
Please enjoy these chocolates,
may contain peanuts."
Kiss and make up?
Have sex up against
the window and make up?
You do have a great view.
Well, funny you
should mention that.
It's your view.
Come again for Big Fudge?
Congratulations. You're hired.
You are Goliath National Bank's
newest executive
strategy coordinator.
What is an executive
strategy coordinator?
It's three
corporate-sounding words
which, when added together,
equal a fake job
for which you get
a real paycheck
in the amount of exactly
what you'd make stripping.
Plus dental. You're welcs.
Now, about that
up-against-the-window sex...
Dude, I don't want
to work for a bank.
Why not?
Because I have standards.
You people are whores.
The things you're willing
to do just for some money,
it's shameful.
You work in a strip club.
Yeah, and I like it.
And I'm good at it.
Barney,
if I took this job,
you would own me.
I would be willingly
stepping into a cage,
which is something I don't do.
Except on Thursdays, when it's
cage night at the Lusty Leopard,
but that's a cardboard cage,
and I can get out of it
any time I want.
You can?
Wow, thanks
for ruining cage night.
Come on, Quinn.
No.
I wouldn't...
Nope.
Don't.
I think I have
some thinking to do.
I...
Mr. Stinson?
Does this mean
I get to keep my job?
Yeah, Herm, you can stay.
Hey, baby, listen.
I'm-I'm sorry I flipped out.
Oh, that's okay.
To be fair, maybe I'm at fault
for loving our child too much,
although that is the definition
of parenting, so...
All right, good make up.
Hey, listen, I went online,
and I found
this Baby Boot Camp thing
that they're doing at a hotel
in Paramus this weekend.
Baby Boot Camp?
That sounds great.
Yeah, it's a two-day event...
We're going.
and there's lots
of seminars and classes.
You've already made the sale.
Anyway, I signed us up.
Not even listening anymore;
mentally packing.
I'm trying to figure out
the best way to get to Paramus
without hitting any tolls.
This is gonna be great.
And that was the last time
I'll ever go out with a guy
with a mustache.
This is good.
This is nice, not thinking
about you-know-who.
Just having a good time
and thanking God I didn't grow
that mustache.
And you,
you're so polite.
My ex-fiancÃ©, Wayne,
he had no manners.
Wayne had no manners.
Wayne... manners...
Wayne Manor,
home of Bruce Wayne,
better known as Batman,
mentor to Dick Grayson,
his orphan ward
who at night would don
the colorful vestments
of the Boy Wonder, aka...
Robin.
Holy long walk for a short drink
of water, Ted.
Stop this.
I need you out of my life
for real.
You don't mean that.
Yes, I do.
No, you don't.
Look how much is changing
right now.
Marshall and Lily
are having a baby.
Barney's shacking up
with a girl.
With your whole world
turning upside down,
isn't a friendship like this one
something you want to hold on to
as tightly as possible?
And every time I look at you,
it hurts.
and that's the story
of my only lesbian experience.
I'm sorry
for going into so much detail.
I'll never tell
that story again.
Anyway, how's your meal?
Holly, listen,
I should probably tell you,
um, I'm kind of getting
over someone right now.
I am so glad you said that.
I guess I'm still
getting over Wayne.
It's been really hard.
Can I interest you
in some sorbet?
You two look like you could both
use a palate cleanser.
How's your palate, Ted?
Pretty cleansed.
You know, at this seminar,
there's gonna be the
one guy who's, like,
Mr. Parenting Expert, keeps
interrupting the speakers
with his own "important facts."
And you're gonna be sitting
right next to him,
so get ready for that.
Baby, you've been a little
sleep deprived lately.
Why don't you let me drive?
You know what, that's
not such a bad idea.
I mean, the last thing we want
is for me to get
behind the wheel and just...
Oh, baby, you smell good.
When we get to that hotel,
I'm gonna wear
your pregnant belly like a hat.
You'll have to buy me
a couple of
cocktails first.
Bar-Barney!
Where are we?
Atlantic City, baby!
Well, in 14 miles.
What the hell is going on?
And where is Lily?
And what did you do
to the practice baby?
And is there any left?
Lily was worried about you.
She thought you needed
to unwind, so...
I mean, the last thing
we want is for me to
get behind the wheel
and just...
She made reservations
for two deluxe rooms,
massages, and dinner
at the Palm,
and in return,
I made her cookies.
So, there's no Baby Boot Camp
at the Paramus Waldorf?
Is there even a Paramus Waldorf?
Bro...
I am so mad at Lily right now.
She knew you would be;
that's why she packed this.
Aw.
My mad-at-Lily shirt.
I had this made for me
and my high school
girlfriend, Steph.
In reality,
"Marshall and Steph 4-eva"
turned out to be
"Marshall and Steph
for two days
until Steph's boyfriend
got out of juvie a week early."
Drives Lily crazy
when I wear it.
I hope she's miserable
without me.
Hey, Ted,
how's tricks?
Tricks are pretty good, Lou.
Had some girl trouble
earlier in the week, but, uh,
I got a feeling from here on
out, things are gonna be A...
O-Oh, you son of a bitch.
Hello.
Lily's right.
I've been acting crazy.
No, it's okay, bro.
I mean, yeah,
you've been a little crazy,
but it comes from love.
It's the same kind of crazy
that makes a man
offer his stripper girlfriend
over half a million dollars
of government bailout money,
not to rub up
on other guys' junk.
It's good crazy.
I hope Lily's okay.
Okay,
you know, that's it, bro.
We're both turning off
our phones for one hour.
Motion denied.
Okay, you leave me no choice.
you give me one hour
of phone-free bro time,
during which we,
and by we I mean you,
get magnificently,
mythologically drunk.
I'm talking needing-subtitles-
when-you-speak drunk.
If you can give me that,
I will wear this.
The ducky tie?
I thought you threw
that thing away.
I did.
It came back.
All right, Barney,
you got yourself a deal.
Um, excuse me, miss.
Um, when you get a chance,
could you bring over a hundred
shots of tequila, please?
I'll have the same.
Why are you still here?
Why do you think I'm still here?
I guess because I'm
in love with you.
Why else would I be seeing
your face everywhere I look?
Because you feel bad.
Of course I feel bad.
I told you I love you,
which is apparently the worst
thing you can say to someone.
That's not why you feel bad.
You feel bad because
after you said it,
you let me go away.
I know our relationship
isn't exactly
what you want it to be,
and I know I
may not love you
the way you love me,
but I do love you.
Isn't that worth hanging on to?
I miss you.
So go get me back.
Robin?
Ted.
It's good to really see you.
It's really good to see you.
Look, I think we need to talk.
Uh, me, too,
but now's not a good time.
Why not?
I am proud of you, bro.
You turned off your phone
for one hour,
and you got so drunk...
Exactly.
Hey,
Yes, Marshall?
Well, I don't see why not.
Whoa! I've got
17 new voicemails.
Barney, it's Lily.
You guys need to get back
to New York right away.
I'm in labor.
All hail Beercules!
Yeah!
All right, Barney,
you got yourself a deal.
Hey, you've reached Marshall.
Please leave a message.
Hey, baby, it's me.
I think I'm labor.
We should do this
every weekend.
Okay, this is real.
It's not a false alarm.
This is real; I'm in labor.
I kind of need you
to call me back now.
How does somebody so little
have such strong fingers?
Where are you?
Call me!
He is the manager
of the Paramus Waldorf.
You come to Paramus,
we will hook you up.
If you're trying
to get back at me,
you have chosen a wildly
inappropriate way of doing so!
Oh, yeah... Oh, yeah.