Kids, when Aunt Lily
went into labor,
Marshall was somewhere
slightly inconvenient,
in Atlantic City
with Uncle Barney,
and drunk to the point of
talking like Yoda.
Baby come...
Papa gonna be am I...
Hospital must we get now...
Okay, there's like a four-hour
wait at the valet stand.
Plus, we're in no shape to
drive. So, a car's out...
Wait, don't worry. We'll take
a cab to the train station.
Yeah, good luck
getting a cab.
It's impossible because
of the big thing.
Kids, for the life of
me, I can't remember
what the big thing was in
Atlantic City that weekend.
Was it
a cheerleading convention?
No, it was a porn convention.
Sci-fi convention?
Eh, I can't remember.
We're stuck in Atlantic City!
City of Atlantic
stuck in are we.
Okay, Lily,
it's going to be fine.
We are not freaking out.
We are not freaking out!
I feel calmer already.
Let's get you to the hospital.
Oh, I can't go yet.
I talked to Dr. Sonya.
They won't admit me
until my contractions
are four minutes apart.
Okay, well, if you
don't make it in time,
I have got you covered. When I
was 13, my father caught me
kissing a boy, so he sent me
to our family's ranch
for foaling season.
Once you see a baby horse
erupt through that birth canal,
you stop even touching yourself.
Anyway, I had skinny arms,
so I got up there elbow deep.
I lost this watch
birthing Blacky...
Okay, stop it. I am not
a farm animal.
Oh, there we go.
Easy girl. Sugar cube?
Oh, okay.
Ah, don't worry, Lil.
Some of us know what
a woman actually needs
at a time like this.
A kick-ass
labor announcement e-mail.
A man,
a woman,
and their best friend,
embark on an
incredible journey.
Lily's cervix is dilating,
and we want you all
to be part of its
grand opening.
You are not sending that
to anyone, ever.
So what I need right now is
distraction from the pain.
Just tell me a story.
Uh, what story?
I don't care. Anything.
How about the worst
cab ride ever?
Clean your window for you?
No!
Hey, get off my cab!
Oh! Oh, God!
Oh!
Ah!
We are not panicking!
Get on all fours;
it widens your hind quarters.
Stop it! I am not
a farm animal!
But give me that sugar cube.
Okay, listen, I am going to
get you to that hospital
or die trying.
And if I succeed,
I ask only one thing in return.
You can't have sex with Lily.
I ask only a second thing
in return.
We're not naming
our child Barney.
I ask only a third thing
in return.
Let me choose
your child's middle name.
Because I have thought up the
most awesome name of all time.
What's the middle name?
Wait for it...
I'm waiting.
Wait for it...
I said I'm waiting.
Wait for it.
What's the middle name?
No, the middle name is
"Wait For It."
Let's say his first name is,
oh, I don't know, Barney.
He'd be Barney
"Wait For It" Eriksen.
How awesome is that?
That is...
the coolest...
middle name of all time.
I know!
Okay, listen.
I have a plan
to get us to New York.
All we have to do is get our
hands on that motorcycle.
And I know just the way
to do it.
Here.
Oh. Hi, Judy.
Oh, good.
You got the e-mail from Ted.
No, I am not worried my
city hips are too narrow,
and-and your grandson's
going to get stuck.
I got to go.
I thought you deleted
that stupid e-mail.
Okay, I sent it by accident.
She like it?
Yes!
Just keep telling me stories!
Okay, okay, I got one for you:
second base with Neil Young.
Um,
I don't normally go to, um,
second base and tell,
but I just spent
a magical night with Neil Young.
He's still in my room.
Seriously?
Oh, my God.
Be quiet, don't scare him off.
He-Hey...
Robin...
Yeah.
That's not Neil Young.
Oh, God.
Oh, we're busting apple bags?
I can bust apple bags.
Ted, remember when we were
dating and we threw that party
and one of those appetizers
just didn't sit right?
Ah... doesn't sound familiar.
I call this story "Ted and
the Cuban Sandwich Crisis."
Ted came out of that
bathroom looking like
Joe Frazier after
the Thrilla in Manila.
Oh, what is that smell!
Ugh!
So I, being a great girlfriend,
tried to help him out.
You guys are all crazy;
I don't smell anything.
Anyway, uh, who wants to
go up on the roof?
But then...
She, who denied it, supplied it.
Yeah, must have been that
Cuban sandwich, huh, babe?
That was not cool, Ted.
Contraction!
That wasn't cool, Ted?
Just keep going
with the stories.
I don't even care
if I've heard it before.
Just tell me, uh,
"Where Does That Door Go?"
Okay.
Hey, I've never noticed
that door before.
I wonder where it goes.
Ted.
No, no, no, let him...
let him...
Wow...
Don't...
No...
Robi...
Oh...
Wow...
Dad, oh, good.
Let me guess,
you got Ted's e-mail.
I'm on my way, Princess.
Dad, wait, no, not...
Damn it, Ted.
I was okay with you e-mailing
my aunt, my cousins,
and your cousins,
and the guy that Robin
thought was Neil Young.
But my father is the absolute
worst person to have around
in any sort of
medical situation.
When I was seven, I needed
to have my tonsils out.
Daddy, I'm scared.
Aw, Princess, I would be too.
I've researched this surgery.
Anything can happen.
You could bleed to death...
you could have your jaw
removed due to infection,
and the anesthesia could
suddenly just stop working,
much like your mom's
and my marriage.
You do know that we're
getting a divor...
Don't worry about it. We'll talk
about it after the surgery.
Calm down, girl.
Okay, for the last time,
I am not...
Actually, keep going.
Okay, I admit the whole "win a
motorcycle plan" was stupid.
Especially because we've been
playing on the wrong machine.
Meet me at the entrance
in five minutes.
Hop on, Marshall.
Tonight, we ride!
You won that?
Not exactly. You see, I...
Get off!
I hope Marshall's close.
Cube me.
I'm on my way, Lily Pad.
Kids, your Uncle Marshall
has faced many challenges
in his life.
But he still considers
getting up these two steps
when he was this drunk to be
the hardest one of all.
Tell me a Marshall story.
I miss him.
Got it.
"The Tale of the Cursed Pants."
Hey, guys.
So, I'm starting worry
about these pants.
Starting to?
No, ever since I got them,
terrible things
have been happening to me:
I stubbed my toe,
I missed my train...
You put on the pants.
And then the lady at the thrift
store said that for years,
no one so much as tried them on.
Can you believe that?
Yes.
You know what this means?
These pants are cursed.
What's this in the pocket?
A clue.
Marshall had
the writing translated.
It led him deep
into the heart of Chinatown.
It is you.
The One has arrived.
Dry cleaning, $21.50.
I remember that suit.
He looked like
a little kid's
imaginary friend.
Where is he?
Now, Uncle Marshall
knew he had only one chance
of getting out
of Atlantic City:
bribing a cab driver.
Machine that gives money!
Now, Marshall
was pretty drunk,
but he swears the ATM
started to do this.
Stop
hitting me. Just for that,
you're never getting home
for the birth of your son.
No!
What's up, bro?
Wait, how did you...
with the security?
I'll explain.
Tell me why we shouldn't
call the authorities...
right now?
Go ahead, call 'em.
But first, can you show me
the rule that says you can't
drive a motorcycle
on the casino floor?
It's not in here.
And, kids, that sign
is still there to this day.
When I came out,
I ran into this guy.
Two seats just opened up
on his bus to New York!
Barney, you're a genius!
Plus, here's the best part.
This Quinn thing is probably
done, so I'm basically single.
He said the bus is full of
hot college seniors.
Okay, maybe he didn't
say "college."
Or "hot."
I miss Quinn.
What is taking Marshall so long?
Salt lick?
Just finish the door story!
Oh, wow.
I don't like this.
Okay, okay, that's
four minutes!
We're going to
the hospital.
W-Wait, but Marshall's
not here yet.
I can't go to the hospital
without Marshall!
I'm on it.
Lily, spread your legs.
I'm gonna see if we can
see the hooves...
uh, the-the snout...
uh, the head.
Here we go.
Take me to the hospital now.
Okay. Come
on, come on.
Excuse me, sir.
My wife is in labor,
and I really need to
get to Saint Marcus Hospital.
So where exactly in New York
does this bus drop off?
Buffalo.
What do you mean
I can't have an epidural?
You're too far along.
Things are moving much faster
than expected.
Look, if your hands
are tied medically,
just leave the epidural
on the table and walk away.
Don't worry.
The baby slide right out, huh?
It's like a whoosh.
Like a waterslide.
Slightly painful
waterslide.
Tell me a story now!
Uh...
Oh! Remember the time Barney
tried to pick up girls as the
Terminator?
Yes.
Come
with me if you want to bang.
Another.
Oh, uh, Ted and the
freakishly long arm hair!
No, I disagree,
because the filling...
It depends on
what you're eating, right?
If it's...
Whoa. What the...?
Whoa.
The debunking of the
freakishly long arm hair.
Wait, it's-it's
just a thread.
I was jealous, okay?
Barney's getting all
the attention today
with this
Terminator thing.
Huh. Can't believe I'm not
getting laid in this thing.
Maybe I need to pick
a different part of the movie.
Tell me another story!
Oh, hey, we never finished
"Where does that door go?"
Come on.
Let's check it out.
You know what, baby,
they're gone.
It's time for us
to move on.
L-Lil...
Oh, my God.
New story!
Uh, the time we tested
if banana peels are
really slippery.
Yes.
Ready?
There's no way
that's really slippery.
Ow! Ow! Ow!
Uh, the Halloween we decided
to go as The Breakfast Club,
but failed to coordinate
our costumes!
Uh...
Does...
Oh.
Really?
I mean, you live
with me, Lily.
Yeah, that was funny.
Keep going!
Oh, uh, uh...
the-the time Barney
saved a woman's life.
Ready?
There's no way
that's really slippery.
Uh, the time Lily
went into labor!
That's now!
Sorry, I'm running
out of stories.
Forget it!
They're not working anymore!
Okay, Lily, I know this
isn't how you imagined it,
but I want
you to know
that I am here for you
and I am rock solid!
Oh, I can see its head.
Oh, thank God,
Dr. Sonya!
You!
Get that thing
out of my delivery room!
Weak women
disgust me.
All right, Lily, legs up!
We push now, yes?
I can't.
Marshall's not here yet.
Lily!
If you don't push,
I will shove that baby
up your throat
and pull it out of your mouth!
Where the hell is Marshall?
I can't do this
without Marshall!
Kids, sometimes the universe
sends exactly what you ask for.
Other times,
it sends Lily's dad.
Oh...
Remember the time
you had your tonsils out?
Yeah, yeah.
You scared the crap out of me.
Yes, I did, didn't I?
Oh, my.
But do you remember
what happened next?
And don't worry,
Princess,
if you permanently lose
the ability to speak,
we'll give you
a chalkboard.
You can hang it around your
neck on a little string.
Nurse, I don't know
who this strange man is.
Security!
What are you talking about?
I'm your daddy.
What do you mean...
Hey, fellas, come on!
I woke up in a Dumpster
of medical waste,
and I couldn't
have been prouder.
Because, much like
that Dumpster,
you had a lot of guts.
And you've used that bravery
every day of your life.
With or without
Marshall.
You're having
this baby.
Thanks, Dad.
That story actually helped.
Oh, good, I'm glad.
And, you know, few women have
vaginal tearing severe enough
to need surgical
reconstruction...
Security!
Oh, come on.
That's not necessary.
Sweetheart, please...
Oh, fellas, come on.
Please, sir,
all you have to do
is take the next exit
to Manhattan.
You'll be back
on the road in 20 minutes.
I already told you,
I'm not allowed to stop.
Sir, this man is
having a baby tonight.
And instead of going
to Saint Marcus Hospital,
we're going to Buffalo.
And I've seen women from there;
the city's aptly named.
Look, I'm a screwup.
I had something special
with this girl Quinn,
and I ruined it.
But this guy...
he's done everything right.
He's been loving and devoted
since he was 18 years old.
There are only a few truly great
people on this planet,
and he is one of them.
He deserves to be
at the birth of his son.
So... what do you say?
Unless there's an emergency,
I'm not allowed to stop,
so sit down, watch
Cocoon 2 and shut up.
I'm sorry,
buddy, I tried.
And then, something
wonderful happened.
I'm having a heart attack!
I'm having a
heart attack!
I'm having a heart attack!
And my doctor is
at Saint Marcus Hospital!
So is mine!
Mine, too.
And my son is head
of Cardiology.
We know!
Push!
I wish Marshall were here!
I'm here, baby.
Marshall!
I don't know why
I passed out.
I have delivered
12 perfectly healthy babies,
and one of them was even human.
Well, it's different
when it's someone you love.
When that head was coming
out of your best friend.
Oh, stop.
I'm feeling woozy again.
Don't.
Salt lick?
In return for him getting me
here, I may have promised Barney
that our son's middle name
will be Wait For It.
I can't wait, just...
what is the name?
The name is
Wait For It.
That is the coolest middle name
of all time!
Look, um,
I know things have been weird
between us the last few months,
but...
Marshall and Lily
are having a baby.
Yeah.
And, you know,
I want this baby to be born
into a world where we're okay.
So, friends?
I love you, Robin.
Kidding.
You...
Friends.
You...
Guys, great news
from down the hall.
One dollar,
two bags of gummy bears!
It's like, I don't even care
what happens
for the rest of the day.
I...
Hey.
Well, guys, uh...
I'm a dad.
Oh, my God!
Everybody,
this is Marvin.
We named him after my pop.
Tell them the
full name.
Marvin Wait For It Eriksen.
That is the coolest
middle name of all-time.
Totally.
Boo!