Oh, you look like you're
coming from a wedding.
Was it a nice one?
Uh, it's a long story,
and I don't mean to be rude,
but I really don't
feel like talking about it.
It all started when the
bride asked to see me...
Wow.
Okay, don't
sugarcoat it, Mosby.
Just give it
to me straight, okay?
How bad is Barney
freaking out right now?
Oh, he's fine.
No, I'm serious.
He's totally fine.
I have a better
tie at home!
It's cornflower blue!
It's cornflower
blue!
You may rest assured, Barney
Stinson is absolutely 100%
going through
with this wedding.
Okay.
Good news.
Um, just one
small issue, uh...
I can't go through
with this wedding.
Okay, calm down,
everyone feels this way
on their wedding day.
It'll pass.
No.
It's more than that.
I'm having a
serious crisis.
And I wonder if it would be
hard to climb out that window.
Uh, climbing out's easy.
Climbing in's
the real challenge.
Oh, right.
It's the same window,
isn't it?
Yeah.
That story
transpired in May of 2012.
As you may recall, Lily and
Marshall were gloriously happy
having just welcomed
your cousin Marvin.
While Barney and Quinn
were gloriously happy
having just gotten engaged.
And Robin, well...
Ah, got it!
Man, that sum'bitch had
been in there since breakfast!
one,
poppy seed: zero.
Heck, this calls
for some champagne.
I think there's
some in the fridge.
We'll get it.
We're totally not gonna
go have sex in the kitchen,
if that's what
you're thinking.
Aw, we're not?
No, no, we are.
I already took off your bra.
Oh!
Hey, are you guys sure
you can handle champagne?
You haven't slept
in like a week.
We should just
call it a night.
Oh, I see what
this is about.
You feel weird
because Barney's engaged.
What?
No. Of course not.
And I will tell you
why it's not weird.
What's not weird?
The fact
that Barney's engaged.
Barney's engaged?
Heck, this calls
for some champagne.
I think there's
some in the fridge.
Oh, my God, why don't you
both just admit it:
You're deliriously exhausted.
We're fine!
Really?
We're not gonna be
the kind of people
who have a baby
and become total zombies.
Yes, Robin.
We're not gonna be
the kind of people
that have a zombie
and become total babies.
Okay, well, what
I was saying is...
Do you understand?
Yes! God, yes!
You are preaching
to the choir, sister.
Whew!
Hey.
So...
I am thinking
about my bridal party
and, uh, I don't have
a lot of girlfriends.
I mean,
I have work friends,
but I worked at a strip club
and I know they'll
just complain
about any bridesmaid's dress
that has a front, so...
Would you guys
be my bridesmaids?
I'd be honored.
Yes!
Of course.
Not you, Marshall.
But, yay,
thank you!
Oh.
Oh, thank you.
Oh, my gosh.
It's gonna be
so much fun.
Yeah, now it's weird.
What's weird?
Me being
Quinn's bridesmaid.
Oh, I wouldn't worry
about that, sweetie.
She probably won't
even ask you.
She just did.
And we both said yes.
Heck, this calls
for some champagne.
I think there's
some in the fridge.
Meanwhile,
I was also gloriously happy,
driving off into the sunset
with Victoria,
who left her fiance Klaus
at the altar for me.
There was just one problem.
I wonder if Klaus
found your note yet.
My note?
Yeah, you know,
the "I'm leaving you
at the altar" note.
Is that a thing?
When you leave someone at the
altar, you always leave a note.
It's common courtesy.
I think common courtesy went
out the window when I did.
Look, when Stella
left me at the altar,
at least I got an explanation.
I mean, that note is
what keeps you sane.
You read it, you re-read it,
you memorize it,
you sleep with it,
you sniff it
because it still
kind of smells like her,
and then, finally...
you let it go...
tied to a brick,
right through her perfect
little suburban bay window.
I'll just text him.
You're leaving a note.
So, Barney and I have
already disagreed
on a few
of the wedding details.
I want to go
with a buffet,
and he wants to ride down the
aisle on a grizzly bear.
He'll be wearing a tux.
Fine, fine, I'll settle
for a panda bear,
but you have
to call my tailor.
He'll be furious
about the switch.
Hey, Barney, uh...
We've gotta talk.
Um, Quinn just asked me
to be one of her bridesmaids.
Isn't she even a little weirded
out that you and I used to date?
Quinn doesn't have
a jealous bone in her body.
She rolls with
the punches.
She...
Doesn't have a clue.
No, she does not.
Okay.
"Klaus, there is
no easy way to tell you
why I won't be
marrying you today.
Have a great
summer, Victoria."
That's it?
No, no, we gotta
do this right.
Well, you can't write it.
One look, it's gonna be obvious
it's a guy's handwri...
Oh no, we're good.
Okay, fine,
you write, I'll advise.
"Klaus."
Just "Klaus"?
Come on, give it some heart,
the poor guy.
"Dear sweet Klaus..."
"Sweet?" What, are you still
in love with this jerk?
I'm doing this on my own.
I'm sorry, I just...
you know,
I feel bad for the guy.
I'm stealing the greatest girl
in the world away from him.
You're not stealing me.
I'm choosing you.
Because you are loving
and you are caring...
and you are going to
go deliver this note.
Wait, you want me
to go in there?
It took everything
I had to climb out
that church window today.
and if I have
to go back in there,
I'm not sure
I can do it again.
It has to smell like you.
So Quinn has no idea
that we used to date?
None whatsoever.
Okay, Barney,
think this through.
Do you really want to spend the
rest of your life with Quinn...
Oh, God, you have a point.
Haven't gotten to it yet.
Of course. Continue.
Do you really want to spend the
rest of your life with Quinn
and keep this secret?
I mean,
she's gonna find out.
Quinn's not gonna find out
because I've destroyed
every piece of evidence that
you and I were ever a couple.
That's ridiculous.
You couldn't have
gotten rid of all of it.
You replaced me with a tiger.
I couldn't completely
get you out of that one.
Had to get creative.
Well, I'm glad that deleting
our entire time together
was so easy for you.
But I guarantee you: Quinn is
gonna find out eventually.
No, she won't.
I just need your help.
Yours, too.
I know you're out of it,
but you have to promise
not to tell Quinn, okay?
Tell Quinn what?
Exactly.
No, she's really asking.
Tell Quinn what?
Ooooooh...
Can't climb
the drainpipe.
What?
When I was in fourth grade,
I couldn't climb the rope
in gym class and all the other
kids made fun of me,
even though
it wasn't my fault.
I had to go after
Efthimios Papajapoulos.
The rope was slick
with lamb grease!
Okay, so just walk
in the front door
and act like you belong.
Here.
Here's the key to
the dressing room.
Can I help you?
Hi.
I'm the church handyman.
I'm here to fix
the broken thing.
It's busted.
The bride is
taking a "schnooze."
She asked me to stand watch
so that no one disturbs her.
I'll be quick.
You will be dead.
I used to wrestle
in Leipzig.
You know what?
A note's redundant.
You're not there.
He gets it.
No, you were right,
I have to leave a note.
It's common courtesy.
Well, it's not
gonna be possible
with Andrea the Giant
standing guard up there.
Oh, right, Klaus's sister.
It's too bad
Barney's not here.
Man, he lives
for bridesmaids.
Right, but he's not.
And it's not like he could
seduce Uta over the phone.
Challenge accepted!
Honey, it's not cheating
if it's on the phone, right?
Say what now?
Quinn's on board!
Text me her number!
You filthy, disgusting man!
But yes, I will do that to
myself at your instruction.
Let me find a broom closet.
Oh, ja, good.
I did it. I did it!
You're amazing.
Let's get out of here.
I left the car keys
in the dressing room.
Pretty sure the door
locked behind me.
Oh, God... Oh, God...
Oh, God...
I found it kind of insulting
that Barney doesn't
think we can
keep this secret.
I mean, yeah, Marvin's
keeping us up all night.
But he's still the prettiest
little girl in the city.
Baby, did you
just hear yourself?
You said, "Prettiest
little girl in the city."
I think you meant "country."
Yeah.
I mean, what
does Barney think?
We're just gonna blurt out
that he used to date...
Shh!
Oh... that was close.
Quinn could've heard
us through the...
Good catch!
I almost just blurted out
that Barney used to date Robin!
Barney used
to date Robin?
When did you get in here?
Like, ten minutes ago
when you said,
"Hey Quinn, let's all go hang
out in Marvin's room."
Aufwiedersehen, fraulein.
You know, I hate
to perpetuate the stereotype,
but German female wrestlers from
Saxony are just begging for it.
You dated Robin?
Verdammt!
I'm sorry I lied to you.
I'll tell you everything.
The whole story.
Fine. You have one minute
before I walk out that door.
Um, it's, uh, kind
of a long story, Quinn.
Gonna take a bit little
longer than a minute.
52 seconds.
Seven years ago, when Marshall
and Lily got engaged,
Ted saw Robin across a crowded
room, and I said, "Oh, yeah,
you just know she likes it
dirty," but Ted really liked her
so we played
"Have you met Ted?"
They went to dinner, he walked
her home, shoulda kissed her,
didn't... lame... so he stole
a smurf penis, went back
to her place, should've kissed
her, didn't... lame.
He threw three parties,
they kissed on the roof,
but decided to be friends...
lame...
then Ted wanted to
take Robin to a wedding,
she couldn't go, he went alone
and met Victoria,
didn't kiss her either... lame...
not a great closer, Ted...
but he finally kissed her,
they started dating,
she went to Germany, Ted kissed
Robin, lost Victoria,
Ted did a rain dance, got Robin,
Ted and Robin broke up,
Robin moved to Brazil,
came back with a Latin stud,
Ted got jealous, got a tramp
stamp, not really relevant
to the story I just like
mentioning that
as much as possible, I hooked up
with Robin, Ted and I stopped
being friends, Ted got hit
by a bus, we made up...
Robin and I started dating,
I got fat, her hair fell out.
We broke up, Robin dated Don,
I dated Nora,
cheated on her with Robin,
I dumped Nora,
Robin dated Kevin,
but not for long,
and then I met you and you took
my grandpa's watch
but I fell in love
with you anyway,
and you let me fart in front of
you and I asked you to marry me
and you said yes and we came
over here to meet little Marvin
and that's everything!
Also I went on the Price Is
Right and won a dune buggy.
Goodbye, Barney.
Good... I j...
She lets you fart
in front of her?
Barney...
you go get that girl.
Oh, God!
You cannot tell anyone
that you saw me.
I cannot get married today!
Klaus?
Oh, I'm a mess.
I threw up in the cloakroom,
I blamed a small child.
I cannot get married.
I left a note.
Good for you.
Not everyone thinks of that.
Who doesn't leave a note?
It's common courtesy.
Thank you!
Do you have the time?
Um...
Yeah, it's 20 after 7:00.
Ah, sehr gut.
I can still make
the 8:05 back to the city.
Auf wiedersehen!
And suddenly it hit me:
a way to absolve
Victoria of any blame.
All I had to do
was climb that drainpipe.
What?
No, Klaus, no.
Mach schnell, sleepyhead,
it's time to...
I know about
you and Barney.
Who told her?
You guys did.
God, go to sleep.
Okay, no one is going anywhere
until we find out who told you.
Look...
there is nothing going on
between me and Robin.
And why should
I believe that?
Well, for starters,
I have a boyfriend.
No, Robin, you don't
have to do this.
There've been enough lies.
I'm not lying.
His name is Nick.
I didn't want to jinx it
by telling everyone,
so I just told
Marshall and Lily.
You can tell 'em, guys.
We were just talking
about this earlier today.
Okay, well,
what I was saying is...
I have no desire to get Barney
back because I'm with Nick now
and, well, I don't
want to be crude,
but I want to spend
all day licking his abs.
Do you understand?
Yes! God, yes!
You are preaching
to the choir, sister.
I stand by it.
Guys, it's okay.
You're new parents.
You just need
to get some sleep.
We're fine!
This is hard, guys.
Really hard.
Oh, God!
Stay with me.
Go get your baby. Yeah.
Look, it doesn't matter
that you have a boyfriend.
I'm always gonna
be wondering if you secretly
still have feelings
for Barney.
I don't care
who this guy is.
Okay, we're good.
Okay, well,
I'm glad I left
work early for this.
Robin, maybe later we can
discuss the meaning
of the word "emergency"
and the phrase
"Trapped under a car."
Okay.
You know he
has chicken legs.
Little tiny chicken legs.
You guys saw those, right?
Honey, it's not cheating
if I lie down on the bar
and let Nick do a shot
from my belly button, right?
Say what now?
Barney's on board!
Nick, hold on!
Thanks for your
help today.
Yeah, sure.
Although, it, uh, kind of
sucked seeing how easy it was
for you to throw away everything
from our relationship.
I... I could never do that.
622 West 14th Street.
And so, Victoria and I
were back where we started.
But there was something I
couldn't get off my mind...
I'll be right back.
Uh, excuse me.
Oh, hey, it's you.
Ja, okay, I'm not sure
what kind of vibe
I was giving off before,
but I am not interested
in your schnitzel, okay?
No, no, no, no, no... God, no.
I-I just have
one quick question:
Victoria seems
like a great girl.
Why wouldn't you
want to marry her?
Ach, okay,
Victoria is wunderbar.
I'm sorry, wunderbar is the
German word for wonderful.
Yeah, no, I know.
Oh, you speak German?
No...
No, no, no...
No, just-just-just the one word.
Oh. Oh.
Ah... Okay, Victoria.
There is a word in German:
Lebenslangerschicksalsschatz.
And the closest
translation would be...
"Lifelong Treasure of Destiny."
And Victoria is wunderbar,
but she is not my
Lebenslangerschicksalsschatz.
She is my
Beinaheleidenschaftsgegenstand,
you know?
You know wunderbar
but you don't know
Beinaheleidenschaftsgegenstand?
That is something we
learn in kindergarten.
I'm sorry, "kindergarten"
is the German word for...
No, no, I know that one.
Oh, okay.
But you don't know
Beinaheleidenschaftsgegenstand?
You are maddeningly
inconsistent.
It means...
"the thing that is almost
the thing that you want...
but it's not quite."
Das ist Victoria to me.
How do you know she's not
Lebenslangerschicksalsschatz?
I mean, maybe as the years
go by, she'll get
Lebenslangerschicksalsschatz
- ier.
Oh, nein, nein, nein.
Lebenslangerschicksalsschatz
is not something
that develops over time.
It is something that
happens instantaneously.
It courses through you
like the water of a river
after a storm...
filling you and emptying
you all at once.
You feel it
throughout your body...
In your hands...
in your heart...
in your stomach...
in your skin...
Of course you feel it in your
Schlauchmachendejungen.
Pardon my French.
Have you ever felt
this way about someone?
Yeah, I think so.
If you have to think about it,
you have not felt it.
And you're absolutely sure
you'll find that someday?
Of course.
Everyone does eventually.
You just never
know when or where.
And he was right.
Unfortunately, the "when"
of it was still
a little ways down the road.
But the "where" of it?
Yeah, there's your change.
Oh, and don't
forget your guitar.