Kids, October of 2012
kicked off
The Autumn of Breakups.
And Barney, having broken
his engagement with Quinn,
was slowly trying
to pick himself back up.
Welcome to Bangtoberfest!
Have a Bangtoberfest T-shirt!
I'm back!
Have a Bangtoberfest
T-shirt!
I'm single again!
Sorry about your eye!
I'm available!
This Time It's Really
Not Personal."
Barney, you just
went through
some really big emotional stuff.
You need to give yourself
some time to heal.
Robin, I spent
seven grand on merch.
This is happening.
Hey.
Hi, Marshall.
So, Lily's dad just showed up
two days ago unannounced.
Remember when I
bought all those
Mexican fireworks so I'd never
have to buy
Christmas presents again?
Oh, God, you blew
up the house.
Blew up the house?
Oh, no.
Nothing like that, no.
No, the fireworks
blew up the garage.
The house burned down.
Holy frijoles,
do I smell brownies?
We covered that fire
on the news.
I had no idea "naked man
runs back into inferno
to rescue potato salad"
was Mickey.
My hour's up.
Your turn, Marshall.
Oh, no.
Baby Marvin,
did you just go poo-poo?
Craziest thing.
He just went poo-poo
this very second.
Are you sure this
poo-poo didn't happen
on your watch
and you just ran out the clock
until it was my problem?
Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, right.
What kind of mother lets her son
sit in his own filth
for an extra nine minutes
and 42 seconds?
I got my eye on you, Aldrin.
It's watering right now,
but I got my eye on you.
I can't
believe I have to go
back to work on Monday and
we still haven't found a nanny.
Well, if Grandpa Mickey's there,
couldn't he just...
Are you kidding?
My dad was never there for me
when I was a kid.
And when he was...
What's wrong, Daddy?
Oh, Daddy can't pick a horse
to save his freakin' life.
All I need is
just one lucky number.
Hey, when's your birthday?
Today.
Well...
We've got to find a nanny,
and my dad's definitely not it.
Well, um, and this doesn't
solve your nanny problem,
but if you're in need
of a babysitter,
Nick and I could do it.
We're really clicking
as a couple.
Um, if any couple
is clicking these days,
it's me and Victoria.
Do you think
that you and Victoria
are clicking more than
me and Nick?
Do you think you and Nick are...
Oh, that's precious.
Kids, when you're in
a new relationship
and you're competing with
your ex for who's happier,
it can get ugly.
Anyway, I should get going.
I have to go get
a key made for Nick.
For my apartment.
Ha-burn.
Hey, maybe the locksmith
who made the key
I gave to Victoria
will give you a deal.
Oh, wait, he won't remember me.
It was three weeks ago.
Ha-double burn.
Nick signed for a package
when I wasn't there.
Victoria keeps tampons
at my apartment.
Damn it!
The next day,
Lily and Marshall's
nanny search hit pay dirt.
Mr. And Mrs. Eriksen,
I promise to create a safe,
nurturing environment
full of learning,
laughter and love.
So that even when
we have to eat lima beans
or we get a boo-boo on our knee,
we know everything
will be just fine.
And do you know why?
Because you're an angel
sent from heaven?
I want to bury my head
in the safety of your bosom.
Because Mrs. Buckminster
is here.
The search is over.
Mrs. Buckminster, we just
need to know your salary.
Oh, delightful!
Well, my weekly fee is...
There, there.
I'm sure you'll find someone
you like just as much.
No, we won't!
Not like you!
Hey, Robin,
can I borrow a stamp?
Oh, wait, this wedding
reply card already has one.
Why, you ask?
Victoria and I
are RSVPing to a wedding...
in Jamaica...
six months from now.
Ha-triple burn.
Oh.
Jamaica.
Yeah.
That's an island, right?
Depends where you're going
with this.
All the way
to the island of Hawaii.
Why, you ask?
Well, I was invited
to spend New Year's there...
last night when I met
Nick's parents.
Ha-aloha burn.
Have you, um,
met Victoria's parents, Ted?
As a matter of fact, I haven't.
Because they're dead.
Are they, Ted?
Are they really dead?
No.
Damn it!
Bangtoberfest is a flop!
I can't think of an
innovative way to bang chicks
that properly honors
my return to the game.
Sure, I've tried
some old reliables.
Ten unpaid parking tickets?
I suppose there is one way
I could... "get you off."
No!
I've used that admittedly
awesome line a thousand times.
You're better than this, Barney!
Well, the evidence
is pretty incriminating, but...
I suppose there is one way
I could "get you off."
Damn it! What?
Bangtoberfest is
about innovation,
about ideas.
Bangtoberfest used to
mean something.
You just
made it up yesterday.
Enough questions.
I need time
to think!
So, how's the nanny search
going, Lil?
Lousy.
Mrs. Buckminster
was a spoonful of sugar.
But so far, everyone we can
afford on this Web site
HeyNannyNanny.com
is Scary Poppins.
But Lily and Marshall
needed a nanny,
so they forged ahead
with their search.
So, zero experience
as a nanny?
Right. But in rehab,
I was in charge of the cats.
And only two died,
so I figured...
I'm available.
How do you feel
about spanking?
For eight bucks an hour, you can
do whatever you want to me.
I'm available.
Dad, we know.
I wasn't talking to you.
Finally,
they met Julie Jorgensen.
You're from
St. Cloud, Minnesota?
I'm from St. Cloud.
Really? Oh, you must know
my dad, George Jorgensen?
Of course.
George Jorgensen's Organs.
Last year, my brother
joined the business.
Really? Who knew that Morgan
Jorgensen would go into organs?
Anyway, Julie...
Is it still called
George Jorgensen's Organs
or did they change it to
George Jorgensen and Son Organs?
They changed it to George
and Morgan Jorgensen's Organs.
Guess whose idea that was?
Morgan's.
They just opened a new shop
out of state.
Oh, yeah? Where?
Oregon.
What's that one called?
Piano Town.
Well, you have
experience,
and I think it's safe to say
you have my husband's approval.
What's your salary?
Oh, um, it's right there.
Julie, we would love
for you to be our nanny.
Oh, thank you so much.
Um, I just have
one last interview today,
but to be honest,
I can't imagine
liking anyone more
than I like you guys.
Oh...
Okay, bye.
Bye.
Yay.
Well, she was a total bitch.
That night,
Lily and Marshall called Julie
hoping she'd accept the job.
I'm so sorry, I can't.
Don't tell us
you took the other job.
No, I didn't.
I'm not taking any nanny job.
I don't understand.
The most amazing thing happened
at my next interview
after you guys.
I fell in love with a single dad
who turns out to be
a billionaire.
Tomorrow, we're heading off
to Paris in his private jet.
It's gonna be, as he would say,
legend... wait for it...
Barney!
Ix-nay on the eal-ray ame-nay.
Mr. And Mrs. Eriksen?
You son of a...
itch-bay!
Look, Barney's our friend,
for some reason,
and everything he
told you was a lie.
But the good news is
you're free to
come work for us.
I'm sorry, I can't
nanny for anyone
who's friends with this monster.
Look, I'd offer you guys coffee,
but I have
another nanny interview
in about 15 minutes, so...
Barney, quick question: why are
you interviewing nannies?
Glad you asked!
You guys were all
pressuring me to think of
a revolutionary new way
to get chicks for Bangtoberfest.
And frankly, I was stumped.
Until...
So far, everyone we can
afford on this Web site
HeyNannyNanny.com
is Scary Poppins.
And there it was.
The Big Bro in the sky
had answered my prayers.
Almighty-five.
Ow.
I'd introduce you
to little Baby Edgar,
but one, he's napping,
and two, he doesn't exist.
And these nannies are
really falling for this?
Yeah, these toys don't even
make sense for a baby.
You've got an air rifle,
you got the exact race track
with the double loopty-loop
I had as a kid!
Oh, can I open it, can I
open it, can I open it?
What about Baby Edgar's mom?
Oh, that's a sad story.
And in the end, the
coroner's report confirmed
what I already feared:
the female body cannot withstand
that many consecutive orgasms.
I blame myself.
Okay, does anybody have
six nine-volt batteries?
Once I got the nannies
all sympathetic,
I had to check
their qualifications.
I'd like to see how
you handle bath time.
Follow me
to the tub.
Should I get the baby?
No.
I'm just gonna take
the batteries
out of these smoke detectors.
Cool? Cool.
Once the interview was over,
I went in for the kill.
You're perfect for the job.
So, congratulations,
you're hi...
No.
I can't do this.
I find you very attractive,
and it wouldn't be
appropriate.
It wouldn't be
appropriate.
It wouldn't be appropriate.
I repeat...
it would not be appropriate.
It was like taking candy
from an imaginary baby!
Barney, I just went five months
with no help,
and interviewed 92 nannies
before finding one we liked,
and you ruined everything
the night before
I'm supposed to go back to work?
Thank you for being
the most immature person
I have ever met.
Marshall, let's go.
Five more minutes!
Now.
I'll be
right back.
Okay.
Mm.
Mmm.
Mm-hmm. Mmm.
Mmm.
Mm-hmm.
Mmm!
I'll miss you.
Oh! Oh!
Overcompensating a bit?
Why would I need
to overcompensate?
I am...
deliriously happy
in my perfect relationship.
What about what I just witnessed
not two minutes ago?
How can the Giants
pass on third and one?
Honey, it's okay.
It's the first quarter, and the
Browns are only up by three...
Robin, I don't want
you to fix this.
I just want
to feel heard.
First of all,
the Giants were smart
not to run
on my Dawg Pound defense.
They suck, Ted.
I know.
And two...
there is no way
that you like being with a guy
who's so emotional and needy.
You want to dance, Mosby?
Let's talk about yesterday.
Hi! You guys,
I'm so sorry I'm so late.
I'm gonna run upstairs,
change, I'll be back
in five minutes.
Take your time, sweetie.
Victoria's a slob!
Well, at least
I'm not dating a girl.
You know what I mean.
Hey, you know what?
I-I really appreciate
how sensitive
and in touch he is with his...
God, who am I kidding?
20 bucks says he is crying
in the ladies' room right now.
Well, at least when
he's finished, he's gonna flush.
So, just as Lily was about
to call in sick
on her first day
back to work...
Good morning!
Mrs. Buckminster, hold me
and make everything okay!
I mean, uh... what
are you doing here?
A Mr. Stinson called the agency
and offered to pay my salary.
Wow. Really?
It's a nice gesture,
but I'm still pissed.
He also sent along this.
Are the batteries...?
Yes, the batteries
are included, dear.
Yes!
Now, off to
work, you two.
Mr. Marvin and I are going
to get acquainted.
Great.
I can't wait to hand him off
and-and finally get
some freedom.
You deserve it.
Now hand him over.
Hand him over, yup.
I'll just take little Marvin
off your hands then.
Take him off my hands.
There he goes.
Ready to receive him!
I can't give Marvin
to a stranger!
Okay, somebody who's not
in the middle of a race
should probably go talk to her.
I'm sorry,
Mrs. Buckminster.
We've decided we're not going
to use a nanny after all.
You're fired.
Calm down. Lily,
you're just nervous
about spending
your first day
away from Marvin.
That's perfectly normal.
Oh, I am holding
onto you forever,
and when I die,
and become a skeleton,
I'll still be holding you. Yes.
Last night,
Nick cried
when I killed a spider.
You should have brought
that spider over to my house
to feast on the ant colony
breeding on Victoria's
unwashed dishes.
Whoa!
Barney, what
happened to you?
It was a nightmare.
I'm walking down the street,
minding my own business,
and I see one of the nannies
that I interviewed,
and I'm thinking,
"Maybe I can get her
behind a Dumpster
and interview her again."
But then...
And then...
They were everywhere.
I was surrounded!
Hey. Hi.
Did you
really think
you could get away with this?
As a matter of fact,
I did, yeah.
Time for your nap!
I woke up in a Dumpster
covered in diapers.
And I found a pacifier
somewhere I'm not
willing to discuss.
What is wrong with me?
You're still
getting over Quinn.
You can't just dive right back
into single Barney mode.
But I can't stop myself!
I'm out of control!
No, I'm not. I'm fine!
Now,
if you'll excuse me,
that blonde at the bar looks
as loose as my rear molars.
Stop me! Don't stop me!
I'm fine. Help!
Being single's great!
You know, Victoria's messiness
just forces me
to grow as a cleaner.
Totally. And without Nick,
who's gonna hem my pants?
To making
these relationships last.
Both relationships
would implode within the month.
Hey, sweetie.
Hey. Did you guys conk out?
Yeah, I guess we did.
What time is it?
5:00.
Wow. We slept all day!
Quick question. Um,
where's Marvin?
Right here.
Hey, gang.
What's the big whoop?
Marvin!
Dad, what happened?
Well, when I came back
this morning from my jog,
Marshall was gone,
and I couldn't find
Mrs. What's-her-face.
And you two were sawing logs,
so I figured I'd lend a hand.
Then, why did I wake up
holding a monkey?
Well, a little later,
I got kind of hungry.
So I gave him a bath, and put
his diaper rash ointment on,
and fed him strained peas,
not bananas,
'cause he had bananas yesterday,
and I did the laundry,
finished my burrito,
put him down
for his nap at noon,
sterilized the bottles, and then
we just went to the park.
Okay.
Wow. That's incredible.
When did you get so good
with kids?
You know something, honey,
you don't remember this,
but, um, for the first few years
of your life,
your mom worked,
and I was a stay-at-home dad.
I thought Grandma and Grandpa
took care of me.
Well, they visited a lot,
but I was the guy
who took care of you.
You know, America thinks
I ran into that burning house
to get potato salad,
but I actually ran in
to get this photo album.
And potato salad. Sure.
Dad, I never
realized you were...
there for me.
How come there are no pictures
of me after I go to preschool?
Well...
Oh. Okay, well,
have fun on your first day
of preschool, Princess.
Okay. Off you go.
There you go.
Ugh!
How am I gonna make it
to 3:00 without her?
"Belmont Race Track?" Hmm.
I guess it couldn't hurt
to go just once.
Six months later,
guess what gambling addict's
thumbs had metal pins in them?
This guy.
Look, honey, I was a jerk
who wasn't there
for most of your childhood,
and I regret that
every single day of my life.
But I promise you,
I'm here now for Marvin...
if you want.
You're hired.
Ten parking tickets, huh?
I suppose there is a way
I could, uh...
"get you off."
Why did I ever doubt
a classic?
MRS.
Now, now, now.
This is exactly the
sort of behavior
you hired me to put an end to,
Mr. Stinson.
Off with you, dear.
Go make better decisions!
You're right.
Thanks, Mrs. Buckminster.
You're welcome.
And I'm proud of you
for trying to change.
What you're doing
with these young women
is simply not appropriate.
That can never
happen again.
Oh, pish-posh. You said that
five times ago.