Kids, once your
Uncle Marshall and Aunt Lily
found a nanny for baby Marvin,
they were excited
for their first night out
together in five months.
And so were we.
Mama.
Dada.
Hi, gang.
Ooh.
Ah, so, now that there's no
screaming baby to distract us,
what have you guys
been up to lately?
Yeah.
This was a surprisingly
loaded question.
You see, right
after Marvin was born,
Lily and Marshall
had issued a decree.
New rule: you can't come to us
with any issue
unless it's an eight
or higher.
And we were doing
our best to abide.
Ted, how are things
going with Victoria?
My dad made the funniest joke.
He said that since you're
the reason I left the wedding,
you owe him the $70,000
he paid for it,
or else.
You know, he's not
usually funny like that.
Not promising,
but not an eight.
Everything's great.
And Robin, how's
everything with Nick?
Finally ready
for a ride on the bike?
Who? Me?
Let's ride, Big Daddy.
Oh, yeah.
Mama likey.
Robin, over here.
Ooh.
Eco-friendly.
She runs on corn.
Totally lady bone killer,
but not an eight.
Everything's great.
And how are things
for the old Barnacle?
Not an eight.
At best, she was a six,
six and a half.
More like a four by the time
I was done with her.
Mental self-five.
Everything's great.
To long-awaited MacLaren's
return of Marshall and Lily.
Mmm.
I've missed this.
Okay. We got to go.
W-what?
You just got here.
I cleared my whole night
for you guys.
I didn't even bring
my booty-call phone.
Oh, I'm sorry,
but we just really
need some time
to ourselves.
I promise
we'll hang out soon.
See you guys.
Bye.
Yeah, like I'm going
to leave this at home.
Barney Stinson.
How may I direct my penis?
Oh, geez.
It is so nice to be out
in the fresh air.
You smell that?
Ooh.
That's the smell of urine
that isn't Marvin's.
Oh, God, I miss that smell.
You know, I thought
we'd spend the whole time
worrying about Marvin,
but it's actually nice to be out
in the world, living life.
Yeah.
Death is all around us.
Wow, that urine smell
just got a lot stronger.
So, you guys spent
your first night out
in five months,
sitting at home planning
for your own deaths?
Yeah, we found this Web site
that helps you make a will.
In the event
of your death...
Ooh!
I'm sorry.
It-it's just-just real sad
to think about.
Oh, I know.
All right.
In the event
of your death...
Okay, no, you know what?
Let's just start
with something easy.
Okay.
Okay?
Please enter your zip code.
We'll never
get mail again.
I keep reassuring Lily
that this is all hypothetical.
Relatively speaking,
New York City is very safe.
Please, faulty elevators,
exploding man hole covers,
jealous husbands.
Mmm.
This place is
a coroner's paradise.
Ooh!
They are way more likely to eat
it in a mugging gone wrong.
There was a double hommy
on your block like a week ago.
Caught it on the scanner
during lunch.
Knife job.
Guy made a real mess
of it too.
Anyway,
then we got to the section
about picking a guardian.
Sometimes couples choose one
of their parents as a guardian.
That makes it simple.
My mom.
Your mom?
What's wrong with my mom?
Are you...
Fine. All right.
Marvin won't go
to my loving mother.
But he's got to go to somebody.
Fine.
What about my mom?
Your mom?
Um, excuse...
Fine.
Not my mom.
What about my dad?
Your dad?
Okay, yeah, he's out.
Wait a minute.
You know who could be good?
My brother Marcus.
He's like a great dad.
Do you remember
his Christmas card?
Questionable denim choices
aside, Marcus is a good dad.
I guess if Marvin has to go
to anyone, it should be family.
Okay, great.
Okay.
Marcus, hey, how's it going?
Pretty freaking sweet, buttwipe.
I packed up all my crap; I said,
"See ya" to Sarah and the kids;
and I finally got my dream job
as a mixologist down here
at Carnalism 2.
Hold on.
Some punk's trying to use
his snorkel rental as a bong.
Hey!
You be packin' that bowl
too tight, mon.
So, now we don't
have a guardian.
You know, as your best friend,
if called upon,
I'd be honored to raise Marvin.
If you want him to be raised
by his underwear on a flagpole,
Ted's your guy.
If you want him
pulling the chord
on some other
nerd's panties,
I'm your guy.
I'll teach that kid
how to be awesome
in ways you and Lily
never could.
It's going to be legend...
wait for it,
no, I won't wait for it
and neither should
little baby Marvin,
so maybe it's better
if you two just die right now...
dary.
And so began the longest week
of Lily and Marshall's lives.
Huh?
Huh? Huh?
Aah!
What?
You think you can bribe them
with a stroller?
They already got one, foo.
Oh, this is no stroller, Robin.
I call it the Broller.
Go ahead. Look inside.
I don't get it.
I don't see anything.
Yeah, but Papa does.
Those Robin's boobies?
When new nubile hotties lean in
to inspect your bundle of joy,
you can inspect
their bundles of joy.
The Broller.
God, I come up
with a lot of good stuff.
Hey, guys, hey...
Hey.
Lily and I need you
to come upstairs.
This is an important decision
and we can't have you
constantly interrupting us
with this childish competition.
Which is why
we're going to make it
an official competition!
We're going to play
Who Wants to Be a Godparent?
Right after this word
from our sponsors.
Why is he talking
to the wall?
Wait, this is how you're going
to choose a guardian for Marvin?
I mean, why don't
you just put us
in a three-way cage match and
go with whoever's left standing?
We talked about that, but it
gave Robin an unfair advantage.
Yeah, you see,
guys, we were
really struggling
with this decision.
Babe, I know
these guys have been
a little over the top lately.
A little?
But we still have to pick
a guardian just in case.
In case of what?
Don't make me say it.
Say it. I can handle it.
Say it.
In case we die.
How can you even say it?
And then I thought
what do you do
if you got a wife
who won't stop crying,
three idiots
who won't stop bribing you,
and a universally beloved
skill for gamesmanship?
You take a bunch
of guardianship scenarios,
throw them on a wheel,
buy your wife an expensive dress
so she'll participate.
I'm pretty again.
Bottom line is
I just wanted
to make the idea
of me and Lily dying...
fun.
Oh.
Now, if you'll step behind
your podiums, we'll get started.
Contestants,
here's how the game works.
Lily will spin that wheel.
Not yet.
When it lands
on a parenting issue,
you'll each describe how
you would handle it with Marvin.
The contestant with the
highest score gets to be
his godparent.
Ready to play?
Great. Lily,
spin that wheel!
Okay, now, see, um, enthusiasm
will factor into your scores.
So, I say again:
Lily, spin...
Spin that wheel!
Ooh.
Our demise.
Barney, how would you
explain to little Marvin
why we're not around anymore?
No.
Easy, all I'd have to do
is change a few words
to one of my classics
with the ladies.
The President of the World
has called your parents away
on a super-secret
space mission.
For the sake of the planet,
you will never see them again.
Now pick up your toys
and say good night to Daddy.
What do you know?
That last line stays the same.
Judges?
Okay, Robin,
what would you do, and remember,
"President of the World
called parents away
for a super-secret space
mission" has already been taken.
Well, my dad was always upfront
and honest with me,
so that's how I would be.
All right, kid, here's
the deal with the deal.
Your mom and dad are done-ski.
Belly-flopped
off a subway platform.
Mom busted open like a pinata.
What was left of your dad
hung around for a few days.
Anyway, plug's pulled.
Organs donated.
Long story short: I'm your
new mommy now.
Sah-wish!
Well, I was saving these
for the showcase,
but here.
Hey, Lily, look, baby,
his-and-her watches.
Ooh.
Ted, the category's all yours.
Okay, here's what I would say.
Well, Marvin, explaining
where your parents are
isn't gonna be easy.
Even I... Lily and Marshall's
best friend
for almost 20 years...
will have
a hard time doing it.
But I do know a guy who's very
good at this sort of thing.
Professor Infosaurus!
Hey, there, squirt!
Death is a difficult
yet unfortunate certainty.
Good enough!
Ted wins the round!
Yes! Yes!
You'll see.
Professor Infosaurus will be
a big, big hit with children.
Isn't that right, kids?
Moving on.
"Discipline."
"How would you handle Marvin
taking another kid's toy?"
Barney?
That's easy.
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
I'm calling
Child Services.
Wait for it.
I'll return your $1,900
alligator-skin belt
when you return that toy.
Until then, you can wear
this disgusting
black-and-brown reversible belt.
Hey, I don't like it
any more than you do!
Ted, how would you discipline
little Marvin?
I would be firm.
Fair, but firm.
You, sir, just lost
your television privileges.
Okay, you can watch TV,
but nothing violent.
Okay, it can be violent,
but you have
to do the dishes first.
Okay, I'll do the dishes,
you watch TV.
Let's go get some ice cream!
Come on!
But no sprinkles.
Robin?
Okay, sprinkles.
Um, I would do what my dad did:
tough love.
You know where
you're headed, chief?
The British Columbia
Military School for Boys.
Of course, you're actually a
boy, so at least you won't have
to shave off all your hair and
burn your "girlie" clothing in
an old oil drum while
your father stands there
and laughs at you
through the flames!
Oh, my God!
I think that Robin wins
this round
because we love her and she's
in a safe space, right, guys?
Robin matters!
Yay! Totally.
Now, that's just
one point, right?
Lily.
A spin... that... wheel!
Oh...
"Birds and Bees."
Barney, "How would you teach
young Marvin
about the facts of life?"
Hmm...
You're gonna love
Amsterdam, little bro.
Okay, Barney's out
of this round.
Ted, how would you handle
"the talk"?
Well, Marvin would be
a young adult,
so you wouldn't want
to talk down to him.
But that doesn't mean
you can't get down with him.
I'm sorry, don't you need
to actually have had sex
in order to explain it?
Professor Infosaurus also has
a rap about ignoring bullies.
Robin? Birds and bees?
Well, I, for one, don't think
you have to teach Marvin
a thing.
If he's anything like his dad,
he's a natural-born stud.
Lily got a little braggy
at a cucumber stand once,
big guy.
Robin wins again!
Oh, come on!
That's clearly pandering!
A spin...
that... wheel!
We played long into the night,
eventually making it
to the dreaded...
Lightning round!
First word!
Oh.
Ooh...
Actually, that's a joist,
which carries the stress
of the ceiling
versus the primary
architectural load.
But that's my boy!
Ooh.
Nerd!
That's my boy!
First heartbreak!
I know this hurts,
little buddy,
but you'll love again someday,
because time will heal
a broken heart.
But not that bitch's window.
Run!
Yeah, right.
I've seen Barney throw.
He's no Vinnie Pestano,
am I right?
Beloved Indians'
middle reliever.
Cleveland sports
are still relevant.
LeBron who? Right, guys?
Ted, neither you nor Cleveland
knows how to get over
someone leaving them.
Here's how you'd
handle heartbreak.
Cheer up, squirt.
There are plenty of other
wonderful women out there.
But I thought
that she was the one.
I'll be at
Uncle Barney's.
This is ridiculous.
I've known you for 16 years.
I'm the obvious choice.
Oh, come on,
if Ted raises him,
the poor kid's still gonna
be a virgin when he's 13.
I'm the obvious choice.
Hey, look, as
the only one of us
packing a vag, I got
a natural instinct
for nurturing
and crap like that.
Plus, I can teach him
how to bow hunt.
Yeah, I could do that.
I am Barney Stinson!
Guys, guys, guys!
Okay!
All right!
Obviously, none of you knows
what it really means
to be a parent.
Well...
obviously, neither of you
know what it means
to be a friend anymore.
What are you
talking about?
Think about it.
This is the most
we've seen you two
in five months.
You don't
seem to care
what's going on
in our lives
unless it's
an eight or higher.
Well, what do you expect?
We have a baby now.
Yeah.
The days of closing down
MacLaren's are over.
Unless you want
to get up with us
at 5:13 in the morning
with a screaming baby.
So that's it?
The... the end of an era,
just like that?
Look... we're sorry
if-if we don't have time
to sit around the bar listening
to silly little dating problems.
When you have
a baby, it's not just the most
important thing in your life,
it's the only
important thing.
When are you guys
gonna get that?
Think we get it.
I can't believe
they just walked out.
Yeah. Maybe it's
for the best.
Barney was starting
to pull ahead.
I mean, how selfish can they be?
We're trying to raise
a child here.
I'm sorry if I don't have time
to deal with Ted's...
um... o-or Robin's...
um...
or-or Barney's...
mm...
Huh.
You know, we were about to name
one of them Marvin's godparent,
and... I can't tell you
what's going on
in any of their lives.
Do you think that maybe
we've been a little crappy
as friends lately?
Do you really know
how to bow hunt?
Um, yeah.
At the British Columbia
Military School for Boys
we called it "making lunch."
Hey, guys.
We asked Mickey
to watch Marvin
so we could come
down and talk.
I know that we didn't get
to finish the game, but...
we've reached a decision.
Lily?
We've decided...
to revoke the
"eight or higher" rule.
TED/ROBIN/BARNEY:
What?
We want to know everything
that's going on
with you guys.
Really?
You're our best friends.
Everything is an eight
or higher.
And for the first time
in almost half a year,
Lily and Marshall
closed down MacLaren's.
Anyway,
Victoria's dad and I are
working out a payment plan
with a very reasonable
interest rate.
At least,
Nick's cycle
is fuel-efficient...
we're getting, like,
30, 35 miles to the cob.
Really?
Yeah.
You know, I should've
told you about that
six and a half sooner.
Barney Stinson banging
anything less than an eight?
That's like a 15.
And it was a great night.
Until...
Go
back to bed.
We got this.
And Lily and Marshall
finally decided
on a guardian.
Are you sure
about this, baby?
Yes.
No matter what happens, I want
Marvin to stay in the family.
Oh...
Is that a bowling ball
in a onesie?
Run!