Kids, it's no secret your
Uncle Barney is a bit of a dog,
and even though he loved me,
I think he always wanted
a wingman who was
a bit of a dog, too.
And in the fall of 2012...
he found one.
Respect.
Hey, guys, thanks again
for a great night last night.
I say again,
great night.
Ted, honey, it was
not a great night.
Ted,
Lily and I noticed
some things last night.
Hey, Ted, can you
pass me a cracker?
Yeah.
It's the least
you can do,
considering I left
a guy at the
altar for you.
Right, right?
Oh, come on, that was a joke.
Women over 30 don't joke
when it comes to commitment.
Victoria is happy
we're taking things slow.
Oh, oh, honeysweetiebaby,
no 32-year-old woman
is happy taking things slow.
Mm.
Trust me, Victoria has got
friends from high school
posting pictures
of second babies on Facebook.
Mm-hmm.
And you think
girlfriend's
all like, "Oh,
let's just bone a bunch
so I'm another year older
and still single"?
Bitch, please.
Mm.
Guys, I've got a new bro...
a bro that puts
all other bros to shame.
The bitches love him.
He buries bones
all day.
Whoo!
No one chases
tail like him.
Why aren't you
guys laughing?
Oh, wait, I probably
should have led with this:
he's a dog.
I've named him
Brover.
I'll go...
fetch him.
Okay, I'm worried about Barney.
That breakup with Quinn messed
him up more than he let on.
I think he's lonely.
Dude seems fine to me.
I love you so much, Brover.
Seriously, based on last night,
you and Victoria
are headed for trouble.
So I got this kind of
interesting job offer
to run a bakery in Denver.
But that's too crazy,
though, right?
Right?
Uh, yeah.
The high altitude would affect
the density of the pastries.
I mean,
talk about half-baked.
Man, this is
a great night.
That was Victoria asking you
to move to Denver with her.
What?
Then, why wouldn't
she just come right out
and say what she wants?
Men.
It's like, if there weren't
pickle jars to open
and spiders
to kill
and computers to back up,
what would be their point?
Mm-hmm.
Okay, when did Marshall become
a slightly more feminine you?
Look, Ted, it gets exhausting
constantly giving people
advice they haven't asked for,
so I'm training Marshall.
My goal is
to eventually say things
that are so sassy
and wise,
that there is
no possible response
other than "mm"
or "mm-hmm."
And if this is a place where
we can share our dreams...
I like to think
that it is...
I hope someday
to earn a...
"testify."
Look,
Victoria and I are
five months in
and we're
right where we should be.
All right, we-we're cosigning
birthday cards,
w-we got toothbrushes
at each other's places,
foreplay's out the window.
I'm in, I'm out,
I'm sleeping, it's great.
It's more than
five months.
You guys dated before;
that time counts.
The clock doesn't
reset to zero.
It un-pauses from
where you left off.
No way,
no way, the clock resets.
Wait,
so this is what you guys do?
You invite other couples
over for dinner
to judge them and feel superior?
Oh, grow up, Ted,
that's why any couple
invites anyone over ever.
Two Scotches, both neat,
and if you've got some, uh,
nuts, this guy lost a couple.
Ha-ha.
Take the hit, just take the hit.
Okay, this is
a cry for help.
Can we invite Barney over
for dinner tonight?
But I was going to make you
a special meal to celebrate
my show getting nominated
for a Local Area Media Award.
Oh, yeah, I forgot to mention,
Nick had
a cable access cooking show.
Chef Nick Podarutti uses
all fresh,
locally grown ingredients,
but don't think for a second
that means he's not a bad boy.
She runs on corn.
I'm gonna invite him over
for dinner.
Okay, fine, but you'd better
make sure he has a ticket.
'Cause it's all aboard
the Chow-Chow Train!
Honey, I know
it's hard coming up
with a signature
cooking catchphrase,
but I don't think that's it.
I know, but how do you compete
with "Bam!"?
It just says it all.
Hey, you.
Hey, can I ask you
something?
Um, Lily and Marshall think
I'm missing all these hints
you're dropping
that you want
a deeper commitment.
I mean, you'd just come
right out and tell me, right?
Totally.
I-I think I can be a little
bit more direct than that.
Thank you.
Oh, hey, I was cleaning
my apartment today
and I dug this up.
Should I keep
this wedding dress,
or do you think
I'll never, ever need it again?
So Lily and Marshall
were right?
Of course they're right.
When a girl jumps in your
car in a wedding dress,
you can't act
surprised to find out
she wants to get married.
Besides,
we dated before, and
that time counts.
We just hit pause
on the clock.
See, a lot
of really smart people
would argue the clock resets.
It un-pauses,
everybody knows that.
You know, Barney's
a little late.
I hope he's okay.
Ah, he's fine, and
I still don't think
he's crying out for help.
Well...
Sorry we're late.
We just came from the tailor.
Brover couldn't settle on a tie,
so I just bought them all.
You say no to that face.
There's a reason
that you're not
a hundred percent in
this with me, Ted.
Something's holding us back.
Well, what is it?
I think we've established
I'm not great
at picking up on clues...
well, in this situation.
As a kid, I was known
as a bit of a detective.
In fact,
when my friend's retainer
went missing,
the Mosby Boys were put
on the case, and it was...
The retainer was
in the garbage.
The Mosby Boys were
you, your sister,
and a neighborhood squirrel
you thought you had tamed.
I can't believe Squirrel-lock
Holmes turned on us like that.
Eight weeks of training
down the drain.
You know how I
know that, Ted?
Because we covered it in the
"getting to know you" part
of the relationship
six years ago.
Six years.
Then...
what's holding us back?
Call in the
Mosby Boys, Ted,
let me know if they
crack the case.
Guys,
Brover is not only
the best bro I've ever had,
he's amazing with the ladies.
I'm sorry, don't you think
it's a little pathetic
to use a dog to pick up chicks?
Sir, wingmanship is
a two-way street.
If Brover meets a cutie,
I'll take the hit
and chat up
the chubby lady friend.
Sometimes I'll be the jerk...
so Brover can swoop in
and be the hero.
And like any good wingman,
I gather as much intel
as I can right up front.
How old's your dog?
She's five.
Oh.
What's that in dog years?
Like, 35.
We're done here.
Well, you were right.
Victoria says something's
holding us back,
and I don't have
any idea what it is.
Any brilliant insights, Oprah?
Steadman?
Um, try Gayle.
Marshall, I want you
to take this one.
You're ready.
Oh, I don't know.
Although I do hear this little
voice in the back of my head
trying to tell
me something.
That's your inner goddess.
Listen to her,
channel her.
If Victoria quenches your
thirst like a tall glass
of sweet tea on
a hot July day...
Marshall, why is she Southern?
Don't let him break
the connection.
well,
you got to make
an honest woman
out of her.
Okay, I'm leaving.
But, but,
if not, well,
then, sugar...
you got to let
that nightingale
spread her
wings and soar
to her own
beautiful tomorrow.
Testify.
You guys are the worst.
Where am I?
Sorry.
Uh, go for Barney.
Uh-huh.
I see.
Totally understood.
I'll do that.
Great.
Thank you.
That was Brover's owner.
I guess,
while she was
out of town, he ran
away from his kennel,
and now that she's back,
I have to return him.
Oh, Barney, I'm so sorry.
Oh, it's all good.
Um, excuse me for one moment.
Hey,
Barney.
No, no.
No, no!
Oh.
Wha...
Victoria.
Will you marry me?
Yes, of course.
There's just one thing.
Anything. You name it.
You can't be friends with Robin.
You won't marry me
if I'm still friends with Robin?
Wait. She's
the thing that's been
holding us back?
There-There's just too much
history there.
I mean, Robin's the reason
that we broke up
the first time around.
Robin's our roadblock.
Robin's the deep, dark pit
where our relationship
goes to die.
But nicest girl in the world.
Salt of the earth.
But she's with Nick now.
I mean, sure,
his cooking show is lousy
with awkward
catchphrase attempts.
Oh, my gosh,
who's ready to nosh?
Who's popping a chub
for some grub?
I offer my deepest apologies
to anyone who was offended
by my "popping a chub" remark.
I can and will do better.
Won't happen again.
And now who's ready
to eat my meat?
Oh, come on.
But Robin's happy with Nick,
and I'm happy with you.
Look, I,
I just asked you to be my wife.
Isn't that proof there's nothing
between me and Robin?
Well, maybe today there isn't,
but what about tomorrow?
Or next week
or 15 years from now?
I'll always
be wondering.
I never wanted
to be that girl who says
it's Robin or it's me,
but, well...
It's Robin or it's you.
You've been
a hell of a wingman.
And even though I think
it's kind of gross
when you
pleasure yourself orally,
don't ever think
that means I'm not impressed.
Hey...
do you think that Barney's
gonna be okay
bringing Brover back?
Yeah, he'll be fine.
It's not just the ability
to go to town on yourself,
but you do it with
such joie de vivre.
I really think
that I should go with him.
No, but you got
to eat these crepes
as soon as
they're flambÃ©ed.
They're gonna be
bon appe-sweet!
No.
Damn.
We'll work on it
when I get back.
No, I get it.
You know,
I only spent all night
working on these,
but, hey, Barney's
more important.
Nick...
It's fine. Go.
Anyway, let's not make
a big deal of it.
We hung out for a few days,
had some fun...
No big woof.
I don't know who I am
without you.
This is crazy.
Victoria is being
completely unreasonable
about Robin,
and my snap sister
is gonna back me up.
I say again...
I kind of see Victoria's point.
Come again for Ms. Fudge?
Ted and Robin have
so much history.
Exactly. History.
Ancient history.
Ted, you said "I love you"
to her earlier this year.
I'm not saying
this is fair, but I get it.
I didn't get that at all.
How could my inner goddess
be so far off?
Oh, you'll get there, honey.
Oprah wasn't built in a day.
Uh-oh.
What?
I kind of went rogue.
Look, if you really want
to have a baby,
just stop taking the pill.
You guys slept together
at spring break
three years ago.
That means something.
Loves show tunes,
total shopaholic,
not always pestering you
for sex?
Um, Clifford
sounds like a keeper.
Marshall, all of that advice
was terrible.
Not as terrible as you saying
that Ted and Robin
should stop being friends.
I'm not saying they should.
It would be horrible.
But if Ted
really wants to be
with Victoria...
Ted, tell her
that you're not gonna
stop being friends with Robin.
I can't imagine
life without Robin.
But she'll never be
in love with me.
She'll never be
my wife.
She'll never be
the person I grow old with.
Victoria...
Victoria could be.
Are you saying what
I think you're saying?
You ready to say good-bye?
Thanks for coming with me.
Oh, well,
you did the same for me
back when I had to give away
all my dogs. Remember?
Oh, yeah, we drove
to your aunt's farm upstate.
She was awesome.
Yeah.
I love how she
was this wise, old, chilled out,
lesbian farmer.
No, no, no.
She's not a lesbian.
Nor does she farm them.
No, that woman
she lives with,
that's just
her special friend Maureen.
They've lived together for...
Oh.
Oh, this is gonna be tough.
Brover really was
the best wingman ever.
Oh, my God.
Thank you so much for bringing
Mr. Sprinkles back.
Mr. Sprinkles...
is a great name for a dog.
Mommy missed you so much.
Yes, she did.
Did this nice couple
take care of you?
That's a laugh. Ha.
Big bro.
I got to split.
Yeah, I got to,
I got to head back
to the farm...
where I live with my
special friend Maureen.
Whom I now realize
is my lesbian
life partner.
Surprise.
Okay. All right.
So...
would you like a drink?
Best wingman ever.
Hey.
What's all this?
I thought you were
mad at me.
I was...
but then I realized
I just have to accept
that you have close guy friends.
I mean, I don't want it
becoming a habit
that they steal you away from me
in the middle of the night.
But...
Oh, sorry.
Oh, Ted needs to see me.
Oh, for the love of God, woman.
Oh, it's not
what you think.
He just wants to have sex.
Kidding.
Just a little hand stuff.
Ha. Kidding again.
Ted's more of a boob man.
I seriously can't stop.
What does he want?
Um...
I don't know,
but he says it's urgent.
I'm so sorry.
Just one more little
steal-away.
Just as long
as he gives you back.
Thanks.
So...
are you okay?
What is this big, urgent thing
that couldn't wait
till tomorrow?
There's something
I have to tell you.
Um...
I've thought about this a ton,
and, um...
I was hoping it wouldn't
come to this,
but...
I'm not in love with Robin, um,
but she's like family to me,
and, uh...
I can't end that.
So...
can you accept that?
I really hope
you get her some day.
Hey, guys.
Hey.
So, last night
Ted calls me out to the bar
to talk about something urgent.
Guess what it was.
He wants to write
a series of young adult
mystery novels
called The Mosby Boys.
Why did you need
to tell me that?
You work in the media.
You know people.
Okay, well, first of all,
lose the Mosby nerds
and focus on
that crime-solving squirrel.
That guy is gold.
Yeah.
And secondly, next time
you have a big idea
late at night,
please bug
your girlfriend about it.
Uh, actually...
Victoria and I broke up.
Oh, my God.
Why, what,
what happened?
We just, you know,
wanted different things.
I'm so sorry, buddy.
But, bright side...
Robin is gonna be so touched
when she hears you ended
things with Victoria
because of her.
She can never know.
Promise me
Robin will never find out.
I don't understand.
Promise.
Of course,
Robin did find out.
But we'll get to that.
So you do have balls?
Run!