In the fall of 2012,
Nick and Robin
were going strong.
Sometimes it's hard to say
what it is exactly
that makes a couple click.
Wow.
Bravissimo!
Whatever it was, kids,
Nick and Robin
really connected at first.
Hey, you know,
I think I'm really starting
to feel something here...
But then, as often happens,
they started to drift apart.
Why?
Who can say?
Nick and I haven't
had sex in three days.
And it's your fault.
Nick won't have sex
because he pulled
his groin muscle,
all 'cause you made him join
your stupid basketball team.
Did you say
"stupid basketball team"?
Yeah.
Oh, my gosh, guys,
we have to rush Robin
to the hospital.
Because somehow, she swallowed
her vocal cords
and they got lodged
in her rectum,
because she's
talking out of her ass.
Over the summer,
Marshall had joined
a midtown professionals
basketball league.
His team of lawyers was called
The Force Majeurs.
Ever since they lost
to a group of accountants,
he'd started getting
a little intense about it.
You sure you didn't have
a ringer or two out there, Joel?
Don't know
what you're talking about.
Good hustle out there,
Aboubakar!
If Joel can use ringers,
then so can we.
And Nick is our best player.
So as far as I'm concerned,
you can both
keep your groins on ice.
Groins on Ice.
Least popular
Madison Square Garden
holiday show ever.
Why are you so into
this basketball league?
Robin, it's the Little Ivies
Professionals Over 30
Who Work In Midtown League.
It's The Show!
You know, it's kind of funny,
imagining people
icing their groins.
I mean, first they'd be
all cold,
and then the ice
would start to melt,
and things would get
all wet and... steamy.
Okay, Lily.
Look, buddy,
I'm also the captain of a team
in the Little Ivies
Professionals Over 30
Who Work In Midtown League.
I'm addicted
to the adrenaline, too.
Still, don't you
think you're getting
a little obsessive about...
Uh, hold up, hold up.
Are you suggesting
that you are
a member of a sports team
and you're the captain?
So says the "C"
I personally sewed
onto my jersey.
After Victoria
and I broke up,
I had some free time.
So, called up
a few architect friends
and put together
a little team
called the T-Squares.
See that?
The floor's uneven.
And that window placement
is rubbish.
You know, if a genie
gave me one wish,
I would knock down that wall
and create a nice flow.
Great wish.
I mean, there's too
much hardwood, right?
Did you nerds actually
play any basketball?
Um, us nerds focused on
something far more important:
bonding.
You guys are
going to get pounded.
And I am not.
Oh, come on. You can't go
a couple weeks without sex?
Our point guard's a 52-year-old
virgin, happy as a clam.
I'm sure he's quite
a ball handler.
The problem is,
now that we're not having sex,
we're talking more,
and I'm realizing
that Nick is kind of...
dumb.
Really?
News to me.
I hadn't
noticed that.
No.
Oh, my God.
You guys think
that he's dumb, too?
So dumb.
Air bags are sharper.
Hot as lava
but just as thick.
Hot as lava
but just as thick.
Wow. When did you guys start to
notice that he was kind of dumb?
Well, there was that time
Nick was doing the crossword.
Hey, what's a four-
letter word for cut?
"Nick."
Yeah?
Is a four-letter
word for cut.
What is?
"Nick."
What?
Oh. I got it.
"Shave."
And there was the comment
about Gypsies.
No, no.
I think Gypsies prefer
to be called Romani now.
Do they? Really?
And what do unicorns
and, uh, elves
and leprechauns
prefer to be called?
You do know, uh,
Gypsies are
a real ethnic group
that actually exists?
Oh, you guys, I
feel terrible now.
I always thought they
were just made up,
like goblins or
trolls or dolphins.
And then there's that story
you told about how you and Nick
picked up
that Danish exchange student
and you all
took a shower together.
I never told a story like that.
Well, no time like the present.
Let's give this
Danish ho a name.
I'm thinking Nadia.
Yeah, she sounds slutty
and bi-curious.
What is wrong with you?
Your kid is right there.
Maybe want to
clean it up a lit...
You're wearing a baby
and you're doing pull-ups?
No, Ted, I'm sitting around
getting soft,
'cause that's what champions do.
The problem is, now that
I know how dumb Nick is,
it's kind of making me
reconsider the relationship.
Why?
Eventually,
Nick's groin will heal
and you'll be back in Sexville,
where all the crossword puzzles
only have one box to fill.
Talk about
a double standard.
Every time I go after a busty
dullard who can't tell time
or thinks I'm the ghost of
Leonardo DiCaprio, I'm shallow.
But somehow it's okay
for Robin to date a guy
who can't be trusted
around outlets.
Dump him!
Okay, that is ridiculous.
Is Nick a genius? No.
But does he have
average intelligence?
No.
But he is
a human being, with a heart!
And you're afraid if I dump
him, it'll throw off his game.
Robin, he got 36 points
and 17 rebounds last week.
And that was with his shoes
on the wrong feet.
Well, you're probably
all wondering
how the T-Squares' practice
went today.
The T-What?
We played up here.
Basketball,
people don't realize,
is all geometry,
physics and engineering.
If you think
like an architect,
you could win a thousand games
without ever touching a ball.
What happened
to your ball?
Some kids from the Hebrew school
next door took it
and wouldn't give it back.
Oh.
Oy.
Hey.
Oh, thanks.
How'd the breakup
with Nick go?
Well...
So, I went to this
fortune teller today
and she said there was
a curse on me.
Did she sell you something
to ward off the curse?
It's like you're
a fortune teller, too.
Nick, um...
I think we need to talk.
Yeah.
Uh... it's just...
Whoa, these are hard.
Anyway, this $500 bracelet
will ward off evil
till the end
of the week, so...
Do you think that
you could do,
uh, sit-ups or something
while you talk?
Yeah.
Anyway, this fortune teller,
she was able to tell me all
sorts of stuff about my future,
just from my credit cards
and my social security number,
my driver's license...
I knew you'd cave.
Which is why I came up with
a little extra
incentive
to break up with Nick.
End it by 8:00 p.m. Tonight
or this invite goes live.
(festive music playing
over computer)
"Robin and Patrice's
BFF Fun Day?"
Kids, Patrice was
a coworker of Robin's
who'd become sort of
obsessed with her.
Robin had managed, until now,
to keep Patrice
at arm's length.
But if Patrice were invited
to something called
Robin and Patrice's
BFF Fun Day,
she'd latch onto Robin
and never let go.
Why would
you do that?
Delete that right now!
No! If I don't give you
a little push,
you'll let this drag on
until Nick can have sex again,
and then you'll be right back
to procrastinating on all fours.
I hate to admit it, but the
man in the suit has a point.
Ugh!
Fine, but the playoffs
are coming up soon,
and I can't have this
guy an emotional wreck.
If you do dump him, at
least let him down easy.
Yeah, take him
to a nice restaurant.
Preferably a dessert place.
That way, you won't have to
sit through a whole meal
before you get to...
Splitsville.
Exactly.
No, Splitsville.
It's a dessert place
right around the corner.
It's sort of the place
to end a relationship.
Uh, Nick, listen.
You are awesome
and totally sweet,
but we're just not...
You know where I'm going
with this, right?
No. No clue.
Okay, um...
I don't know if we should
keep seeing each other.
You want to start turning
off the lights during sex?
No. God, no.
No! No.
I am just worried that, as
a couple, we're not working out.
You want to start
going to the gym together?
Okay, no, Nick,
here is the deal.
Okay...
Sorry, babe. I got to take this.
Excuse me.
Hello.
Hey, what's up?
You...
What? I...
I don't understand.
But you...
Okay, um, you know what?
I'm sorry, I-I have to go.
What happened?
I...
I, um...
Uh, I'm sorry,
I can't talk about this.
Anyway,
what were you going to say?
Uh...
I was gonna say,
order whatever else you want.
It's on me.
Well, thanks,
but I think I'd just rather
eat it out of a bowl.
Well, no doubt
you're all wondering
how the T-Squares'
first game went.
What Squares?
Picture a well-
oiled machine.
Your sewing machine?
There were two seconds
left on the clock.
Aboubakar was all over me.
And that's when all my years
of architectural training
came to my aid.
I saw the space in a way
my opponents never would.
Yes!
I told you guys
I'd make one of these!
Turns out, those two
points were taken away
because apparently the
ball went "out of bounds."
But don't worry,
I'm appealing
to the league office.
This Aboubakar... I'm assuming
you showered with the guy?
Paint me a word picture.
Hello.
Lil, is Barney there?
He's not answering his phone.
Mm, he's a little busy
right now.
It's Robin.
37... 38...
Put her on speaker. 39...
When did you start being
able to do stuff like this?
A few months ago,
you had to catch your breath
after making a sandwich.
Barney, delete the Robin
and Patrice's BFF Fun Day
invite!
Did you break up with Nick yet?
I can't!
He just got some horrible call.
I think a family member might
have died or something.
Oh!
Yes! Yes!
Yes! Yes! Yes!
I mean, good that Robin
can't dump him.
The death part,
less good.
Robin, if you dump Nick,
he could get mad and
tear your blouse off.
And then he bites
you on the neck,
not super hard,
just on the brink
between pleasure
and pain.
And then that Danish slut
Nadia
bursts in...
You can't wait.
His groin will heal
and then before you know it,
you'll be marrying a man
who once ate
a vanilla-scented candle!
That was on me.
I shouldn't have left it
in the kitchen.
Though, it was lit.
Man, he dumb.
The invite goes live
in five minutes.
What?
It goes out automatically
unless I stop it,
and that only happens
if I hear you dump Nick
on speakerphone
before then.
Fine.
Hey, Nick. I'm
sorry about that.
Um, listen,
there's something I need
to talk to you about.
No, Robin, I'm sorry.
I'm like half here.
That phone call, it just...
I got some really bad news.
My doctor did an MRI...
and...
Oh... Oh, God.
What, what is it?
My groin injury is worse
than they thought.
I can't play basketball
for weeks.
Thank God. I thought he was
dying or something.
How many weeks?
Please tell me
it's not a tear
in the iliolumbar ligament.
It's a tear in the
"libioflumflar linament."
If it's a small tear,
he can still make playoffs.
It's a big tear.
He better not be out
for the season.
I'm out for the season.
Damn it!
They're going up against The
Number Crunchers without me.
It's an after-work basketball
league for lawyers
and accountants
and architects who sew.
I mean, who takes it
that seriously?
No...!
I just hate
letting Coach Eriksen down.
I would follow that man
through the gates of hell!
Winning.
What do we win when we beat
those Number Crunchers
a few short weeks hence?
A game? Sure.
A trophy? Sort of.
We win a $25 gift card
to Bennigan's,
but what is it
that we really win?
The game!
Yes, I said that Nick.
Right.
But we also win
the right to walk tall.
Oh!
The right to call ourselves
champions.
Yeah.
So we are gonna
go out and we are
gonna wipe the floor
with those accountants!
And afterwards,
we will feast like kings
on Southwest Fajitas
and Cajun shrimp!
And that check, that check will
be marginally less expensive!
Yeah! Yeah!
Now, they're probably gonna have
to pay full price for that meal.
Nick, you are so sweet,
but I just...
Good news is
it doesn't really matter
if it takes my groin pull
a little longer to heal,
so I may as well start
having sex again.
Listening.
Sickening.
Exiting.
Nick...
Huh?
I just...
Ah... I...
Hmm?
Um...
Mm-hmm?
Oh...
What do you think?
I think I am suddenly
in the mood
for something hot.
I see. Sounds like I should
order some cappuccinos.
Don't talk till
tomorrow morning.
She can't go home
with you, Nick.
Barney?
Why not?
Because Robin and I are in love.
Barney, what are
you doing here?
Taking care of something
you clearly can't do
on your own.
I'm sorry,
but you and Robin are done.
What? Robin, what is this?
Barney, look, I-I know
what you're doing, okay?
Please stop.
Robin doesn't want
to hurt your feelings
because you're a nice guy,
but she thinks
you're stupid and she hates you.
You're welcome.
Stop doing this.
I love her, Nick.
Look, he doesn't
love me.
He's just saying this because...
I love everything about her,
and I'm not a guy
who says that lightly.
I'm a guy who has faked love
his entire life.
I thought love
was just something
idiots thought they felt,
but this woman has
a hold on my heart
that I could not break
if I wanted to,
and there
have been times
that I wanted to.
It has been overwhelming
and humbling
and even painful at times,
but I could not stop loving her
any more
than I could stop breathing.
I am hopelessly, irretrievably
in love with her.
More than she knows.
Robin,
is this true?
You heard him.
Oh, wow, it feels
like I have
a pulled groin muscle
in my heart.
Nick, I-I'm so sorry.
I just
think that maybe...
Pardon me.
But did you just also get
your heart broken?
Yes.
I just got
my heart broken, too!
Well, do the...
the two of you...
want to come back
to my place?
Yes.
Come on.
Thus concluded
the Autumn of Breakups,
Wow.
Crazy, right?
Yeah,
you know what would be
really crazy?
If all of 'em
got it on... Barney, Robin, Nick,
and those two women,
and you just know
Nadia's watching in the corner
with her pet snake.
Okay, why aren't
you two having sex?
What?
Excuse me?
Lily has been slobbering
over Robin's sex life
like a cartoon hobo watching
a pie cool on a windowsill,
and you...
the only other time you've ever
exercised this seriously
was when Lily had mono
freshman year
and I caught you doing
one-armed push-ups
with your genitals
over a bowl of ice.
So, when did
you stop doing it and why?
It was, you know,
before Marvin was born.
What?
Th-That's insane.
Well, you have to wait a while
after having a kid,
and, and then you're exhausted
from being up all night.
And then this uncanny
phenomenon began.
Wow,
you guys got to fix this.
It's not that easy.
Ted, having a kid
changes things.
You don't have the time
or energy, you're never alone.
Come here.
What are you doing?
Taking Marvin
for a walk
so you guys can
have some privacy.
Oh, Ted, come on,
that's, that's just not
the way that it works.
Yeah, it's not
like we can have sex on cue.
Yeah, I'll give you
guys plenty of time.
Maybe I'll even
swing by the gym, show Marvin
where his Uncle Ted
made "the shot."
If I'm late,
it's 'cause I've been delayed
by autograph seekers.
Oh, forgot Marvin's diaper bag.
Yowza!
Okay.
And the Oscar for Best
Fake Romantic Speech
goes to Barney Stinson.
I'd like to thank all
the ladies over the years
with whom I've practiced
fake romantic speeches
and, of course,
Robin Scherbatsky
for being so
hypnotized by hog
that she needed me
to come and save her.
You know what?
I didn't need your help.
You were this close to ripping
off his misbuttoned shirt
and pulling down his
inside-out underpants.
I'll give you this,
you were pretty convincing.
Hey, tricking good-looking
idiots is kind of my thing.
No.
I mean, you were
really convincing.
Please.
I was bro-ing you out.
I'm just glad
he bought it so quick.
Any longer, I'd have had
to kiss you.
Hello.
Whoo, oh, my God,
Robin, BFF Fun Day!
That's the most
amazing thing ever.
Like, you totally read
my mind...
Hey, Patrice.
Oh, you got the
invite, great.
Uh, yeah, uh, let
me call you back.
This is so fantastic,
I can't even catch my breath.
Mm-hmm, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah!
You know
what I forgot to do?
("Signed, Sealed, Delivered"
by Stevie Wonder playing)
Hey, T-Squares.
Well, bad news.
Heard back
from the league office.
My shot is not going to count.
But onwards and upwards, right?
What do you cats want
to rap about, huh?
Listen, Coach... you're great.
And we all really
want to stay friends.
I can change, I can...
Come on, we, we had
some good times.
Things have been
weird lately and...
Is there another
architect? Just tell me.