1
00:00:01,183 --> 00:00:04,094
Kids, this a story about
the time your Uncle Marshall

2
00:00:04,194 --> 00:00:07,080
went before the New York State
Judiciary Committee,

3
00:00:07,082 --> 00:00:10,216
a panel that would decide
the fate of his career.

4
00:00:10,218 --> 00:00:12,351
He thought he'd open
with an icebreaker.

5
00:00:12,353 --> 00:00:16,656
By the way, did I mention
those robes really do you all...

6
00:00:16,658 --> 00:00:18,274
justice?

7
00:00:19,977 --> 00:00:22,661
I'm just saying
that you're all guilty...

8
00:00:22,663 --> 00:00:24,630
of looking sharp.

9
00:00:24,632 --> 00:00:25,698
Mr. Eriksen, please.

10
00:00:25,700 --> 00:00:26,799
You're here to discuss

11
00:00:26,801 --> 00:00:28,667
your conduct in court

12
00:00:28,669 --> 00:00:31,938
during the week
of November 19, 2012.

13
00:00:31,940 --> 00:00:33,005
Of course, Your Honor.

14
00:00:33,007 --> 00:00:34,040
It all

15
00:00:34,042 --> 00:00:35,174
started when...

16
00:00:35,176 --> 00:00:37,610
a so-called friend
from law school

17
00:00:37,612 --> 00:00:38,644
conned me into believing

18
00:00:38,646 --> 00:00:40,229
that he needed my help
getting a job,

19
00:00:40,231 --> 00:00:42,865
when in reality,
he stole my firm's strategy

20
00:00:42,867 --> 00:00:44,650
for our upcoming trial against

21
00:00:44,652 --> 00:00:47,686
Gruber Pharmaceuticals, who'd
been polluting a lake upstate.

22
00:00:47,688 --> 00:00:50,423
Turns out,
he was representing Gruber.

23
00:00:50,425 --> 00:00:52,875
Win this case
or you're fired, Eriksen.

24
00:00:52,877 --> 00:00:54,894
How could you trick me
like that?

25
00:00:54,896 --> 00:00:56,695
This is the biggest trial
in my career.

26
00:00:56,697 --> 00:00:57,880
Mine too, brobeans.

27
00:00:57,882 --> 00:00:59,382
When I win this trial,

28
00:00:59,384 --> 00:01:00,917
I'm gonna buy a new car.

29
00:01:00,919 --> 00:01:02,034
Thinking Lambo.

30
00:01:02,036 --> 00:01:03,702
Awesome. I mean, no!

31
00:01:03,704 --> 00:01:05,171
What happened to you?

32
00:01:05,173 --> 00:01:07,223
You used to be, like,
the nicest guy ever.

33
00:01:07,225 --> 00:01:08,674
We were bros.

34
00:01:08,676 --> 00:01:10,176
More than bros.

35
00:01:10,178 --> 00:01:11,978
We ate brunch together.

36
00:01:11,980 --> 00:01:14,263
And I'll always cherish that.

37
00:01:14,265 --> 00:01:15,348
But after Kara

38
00:01:15,350 --> 00:01:16,432
broke my heart again

39
00:01:16,434 --> 00:01:17,517
for the millionth time,

40
00:01:17,519 --> 00:01:18,901
I said screw being nice,

41
00:01:18,903 --> 00:01:21,687
suited up and started lying
to get what I want.

42
00:01:21,689 --> 00:01:22,905
That does happen.

43
00:01:22,907 --> 00:01:24,991
But you used to want to fight
for the little guy.

44
00:01:24,993 --> 00:01:27,226
Little guys pay
with little checks.

45
00:01:27,228 --> 00:01:29,178
But... you already know that.

46
00:01:29,180 --> 00:01:30,163
You're in
environmental law.

47
00:01:30,165 --> 00:01:32,949
Marshall, you have a kid.

48
00:01:32,951 --> 00:01:34,000
How are you
gonna provide

49
00:01:34,002 --> 00:01:35,868
for the little dude's futche?

50
00:01:35,870 --> 00:01:38,788
I'm worried
about Planet Earth's futche!

51
00:01:38,790 --> 00:01:39,505
That's why
I'm gonna

52
00:01:39,507 --> 00:01:40,873
kick your ass in this trial.

53
00:01:40,875 --> 00:01:43,543
Sure, you may have swiped our
entire strategy for this case,

54
00:01:43,545 --> 00:01:45,511
but I still got
some tricks up my sleeve

55
00:01:45,513 --> 00:01:47,763
that you know
absolutely nothing about.

56
00:01:47,765 --> 00:01:48,381
Really?

57
00:01:48,383 --> 00:01:49,215
No.

58
00:01:53,934 --> 00:01:57,934
== sync, corrected by elderman ==

59
00:02:02,896 --> 00:02:05,147
Kids, Robin and Barney
had recently shared

60
00:02:05,149 --> 00:02:06,432
an awkward moment.

61
00:02:06,434 --> 00:02:07,900
Whoa, whoa.

62
00:02:07,902 --> 00:02:11,904
After that, they did what any
two mature adults would do:

63
00:02:11,906 --> 00:02:12,371
Hey!

64
00:02:12,373 --> 00:02:12,905
Hey!

65
00:02:12,907 --> 00:02:13,573
How are you?

66
00:02:13,575 --> 00:02:14,490
Great. You?

67
00:02:14,492 --> 00:02:15,541
Good, so good.

68
00:02:15,543 --> 00:02:17,276
Oh, great. Good to see you!
You, too!

69
00:02:17,278 --> 00:02:18,978
They pretended
it never happened.

70
00:02:18,980 --> 00:02:20,146
All right, guys,

71
00:02:20,148 --> 00:02:21,797
this is the biggest case
of Marshall's career.

72
00:02:21,799 --> 00:02:22,915
That is why it's so great

73
00:02:22,917 --> 00:02:24,634
that we all called in sick
to work tomorrow,

74
00:02:24,636 --> 00:02:26,452
so we could be in that
courtroom to support him.

75
00:02:26,454 --> 00:02:27,420
I didn't call in sick.

76
00:02:27,422 --> 00:02:28,638
I called in
for all of us.

77
00:02:28,640 --> 00:02:29,805
Uh, I have strep throat.

78
00:02:29,807 --> 00:02:30,840
Robin, bronchitis.

79
00:02:30,842 --> 00:02:32,258
Barney, massive
hemorrhoids.

80
00:02:32,260 --> 00:02:34,260
Why'd you have
to say "massive"?

81
00:02:34,262 --> 00:02:35,761
Well, if you're gonna
miss work for hemorrhoids,

82
00:02:35,763 --> 00:02:37,463
they kind of have
to be massive.

83
00:02:37,465 --> 00:02:39,798
I don't want to sit
in a courtroom all day.

84
00:02:39,800 --> 00:02:42,151
I bet you don't want to sit
anywhere with those hemorrhoids.

85
00:02:42,153 --> 00:02:44,487
I don't have... Shut up.

86
00:02:44,489 --> 00:02:46,072
Look, you guys
wouldn't understand,

87
00:02:46,074 --> 00:02:48,991
but when you have a rap sheet
as long as mine,

88
00:02:48,993 --> 00:02:50,326
the last place
you want to spend

89
00:02:50,328 --> 00:02:51,310
a day is in court.

90
00:02:51,312 --> 00:02:52,912
Rap sheet?

91
00:02:52,914 --> 00:02:54,247
That's right.

92
00:02:54,249 --> 00:02:56,215
When I was a teenager, Lily,

93
00:02:56,217 --> 00:02:58,251
I was a total badass.
Pfft.

94
00:02:58,253 --> 00:03:00,819
You want to talk
about teenage badasses?

95
00:03:00,821 --> 00:03:03,940
I was like John Gotti
in a training bra.

96
00:03:03,942 --> 00:03:06,425
I'm serious.

97
00:03:06,427 --> 00:03:08,694
In high school, before
I started dating Scooter,

98
00:03:08,696 --> 00:03:10,613
even he was afraid of me.

99
00:03:18,872 --> 00:03:20,806
Lily coming!

100
00:03:20,808 --> 00:03:22,975
Lily coming!

101
00:03:26,647 --> 00:03:28,648
You look okay.

102
00:03:28,650 --> 00:03:30,950
Want to hang out?

103
00:03:30,952 --> 00:03:33,336
Uh, my mom says I'm only allowed
three friends, so...

104
00:03:33,338 --> 00:03:36,238
Your mom don't make the rules
no more, Scooter.

105
00:03:36,240 --> 00:03:37,657
My name's Jeff.

106
00:03:37,659 --> 00:03:40,025
Not no more it ain't.

107
00:03:41,712 --> 00:03:43,629
The one part of
that story I believe

108
00:03:43,631 --> 00:03:45,331
is that Scooter only
had three friends.

109
00:03:45,333 --> 00:03:46,332
Ah!

110
00:03:46,334 --> 00:03:47,533
Here he is.

111
00:03:47,535 --> 00:03:48,768
The pride of St. Cloud,

112
00:03:48,770 --> 00:03:49,969
the environmental lawyer

113
00:03:49,971 --> 00:03:51,170
we've come
to know and love.

114
00:03:51,172 --> 00:03:52,471
He's mean. He's green.

115
00:03:52,473 --> 00:03:54,056
He's not wearing the tie
I bought him for the trial,

116
00:03:54,058 --> 00:03:55,391
but I'm not gonna
mention it...

117
00:03:55,393 --> 00:03:58,678
Marshall "I Was Gonna
Say 'Nice Tie'" Eriksen!

118
00:03:59,714 --> 00:04:00,879
How you feeling,

119
00:04:00,881 --> 00:04:02,214
Counselor?

120
00:04:02,216 --> 00:04:03,432
Well, uh, I mean,
at first

121
00:04:03,434 --> 00:04:04,850
that Brad thing
had me rattled,

122
00:04:04,852 --> 00:04:06,519
but now I feel
pretty good.

123
00:04:06,521 --> 00:04:07,853
I mean, for one thing,

124
00:04:07,855 --> 00:04:09,722
I don't have massive
hemorrhoids. Sorry, buddy.

125
00:04:09,724 --> 00:04:10,573
I don't have ma...

126
00:04:10,575 --> 00:04:12,024
And more importantly,
unlike Brad,

127
00:04:12,026 --> 00:04:14,560
I actually have something
to fight for.

128
00:04:14,562 --> 00:04:16,696
Pop, because of
your precedent-setting

129
00:04:16,698 --> 00:04:18,397
legal victory 14 years ago,

130
00:04:18,399 --> 00:04:20,249
kids like me can fish
in clean lakes

131
00:04:20,251 --> 00:04:22,418
all over the world.

132
00:04:22,420 --> 00:04:24,453
They sure can, champ.

133
00:04:24,455 --> 00:04:27,506
Because when you
do one good deed...

134
00:04:31,128 --> 00:04:32,511
it creates
a ripple effect.

135
00:04:32,513 --> 00:04:34,714
One good deed

136
00:04:34,716 --> 00:04:37,466
leads to another and another.

137
00:04:37,468 --> 00:04:40,419
Man, you're wise.

138
00:04:40,421 --> 00:04:42,755
That's probably why I never
have felt the need to do drugs

139
00:04:42,757 --> 00:04:44,106
or rebel in any way.

140
00:04:47,728 --> 00:04:49,762
Anyhoo...

141
00:04:49,764 --> 00:04:52,615
The next day, we all headed
down to court

142
00:04:52,617 --> 00:04:54,400
to support Uncle Marshall.

143
00:04:54,402 --> 00:04:55,801
Yeah.

144
00:04:55,803 --> 00:04:58,037
Want to know what
I looked like at age 15?

145
00:04:58,039 --> 00:04:59,321
There it is.

146
00:04:59,323 --> 00:05:01,157
I don't get it.
That guy wasn't masturbating.

147
00:05:01,159 --> 00:05:03,209
Yeah, and the waistband
of his undies wasn't pulled up

148
00:05:03,211 --> 00:05:05,711
to his Cub Scouts neckerchief.

149
00:05:06,614 --> 00:05:07,913
Ted,

150
00:05:07,915 --> 00:05:09,749
you were never a badass.

151
00:05:09,751 --> 00:05:10,783
Au contraire.

152
00:05:10,785 --> 00:05:12,168
Off to a good start...

153
00:05:12,170 --> 00:05:13,169
I was locked up

154
00:05:13,171 --> 00:05:14,953
plenty of times
as a teenager.

155
00:05:14,955 --> 00:05:15,971
Let's just say

156
00:05:15,973 --> 00:05:17,923
Johnny Law was not a fan

157
00:05:17,925 --> 00:05:19,842
of Teddy Westside.

158
00:05:19,844 --> 00:05:21,811
Make sure you get
my good side...

159
00:05:21,813 --> 00:05:24,013
Princess.

160
00:05:26,968 --> 00:05:28,133
You guys want to talk

161
00:05:28,135 --> 00:05:30,252
about hassling
the fuzz?

162
00:05:30,254 --> 00:05:32,438
Finish that, Scoots.

163
00:05:33,240 --> 00:05:34,640
Okay,

164
00:05:34,642 --> 00:05:36,275
let's see some IDs.

165
00:05:36,277 --> 00:05:38,661
Scooter, do you
smell bacon?

166
00:05:40,448 --> 00:05:41,831
Laugh, bitch.

167
00:05:41,833 --> 00:05:43,082
Ha!

168
00:05:43,084 --> 00:05:44,149
Ha ha!

169
00:05:44,151 --> 00:05:45,985
ID now, both of you.

170
00:05:48,988 --> 00:05:49,955
Which one of you

171
00:05:49,957 --> 00:05:51,340
is Yuki Hakutani?

172
00:05:51,342 --> 00:05:53,158
Right here.

173
00:05:53,160 --> 00:05:56,796
So, Yuki, you're 6'1"
and you were born in 1947?

174
00:05:56,798 --> 00:05:59,665
Congratulations.
You can read.

175
00:06:04,020 --> 00:06:06,055
Barney Stinson?

176
00:06:06,057 --> 00:06:09,108
Well, if it isn't
Warren Frankel.

177
00:06:09,110 --> 00:06:10,276
Bailiff

178
00:06:10,278 --> 00:06:11,527
Warren Frankel,

179
00:06:11,529 --> 00:06:13,979
- who knows me.
- You know,

180
00:06:13,981 --> 00:06:15,948
I almost didn't recognize you
without handcuffs on.

181
00:06:15,950 --> 00:06:18,067
Yeah, I've matured quite
a bit since the old days.

182
00:06:18,069 --> 00:06:20,018
The only time I'm wearing
handcuffs now is, uh,

183
00:06:20,020 --> 00:06:21,120
in the bedroom.

184
00:06:21,122 --> 00:06:23,021
Bondage. I get it.

185
00:06:23,023 --> 00:06:24,206
Well,

186
00:06:24,208 --> 00:06:25,491
I have to run.

187
00:06:25,493 --> 00:06:26,742
Stay out of trouble.

188
00:06:29,496 --> 00:06:31,697
Badass.

189
00:06:32,716 --> 00:06:36,235
In summary, I will prove
that Gruber Pharmaceuticals

190
00:06:36,237 --> 00:06:39,338
wantonly and knowingly
polluted Frog Lake

191
00:06:39,340 --> 00:06:42,224
and therefore must pay
restitution of no less

192
00:06:42,226 --> 00:06:44,894
than $25 million.

193
00:06:44,896 --> 00:06:46,879
Thank you.

194
00:06:49,215 --> 00:06:50,733
How's this for a fact:

195
00:06:50,735 --> 00:06:52,518
Frog Lake is home

196
00:06:52,520 --> 00:06:54,854
to a buttload of frogs
and birds.

197
00:06:55,939 --> 00:06:57,222
If it's so polluted,

198
00:06:57,224 --> 00:06:59,608
why don't all those birds fly
to a cleaner lake?

199
00:06:59,610 --> 00:07:02,111
And why don't the frogs
just be like,

200
00:07:02,113 --> 00:07:04,864
"Hey, birds, can I catch
a ride, ribbit?"

201
00:07:04,866 --> 00:07:07,867
Marshall's gonna wipe
the floor with this ding-dong.

202
00:07:08,752 --> 00:07:10,068
Oops.

203
00:07:10,070 --> 00:07:11,737
I seem to have dropped my pen.

204
00:07:22,299 --> 00:07:23,415
Objection, Your Honor.

205
00:07:23,417 --> 00:07:25,634
Nobody needs this long
to pick up a pen.

206
00:07:25,636 --> 00:07:28,921
I'll allow it.

207
00:07:33,002 --> 00:07:36,135
The biggest case of my life
and I'd already lost the jury.

208
00:07:36,456 --> 00:07:37,455
I mean,

209
00:07:37,457 --> 00:07:40,408
I've heard of Twelve Angry Men,

210
00:07:40,410 --> 00:07:43,578
but this was more
like Twelve Horny Women.

211
00:07:43,580 --> 00:07:44,913
Stay on topic.

212
00:07:45,665 --> 00:07:47,666
I can't compete
with Brad.

213
00:07:47,668 --> 00:07:49,367
The jury is
in love with him.

214
00:07:49,369 --> 00:07:52,087
During recess, one of those
ladies raced across the hall

215
00:07:52,089 --> 00:07:54,288
to see if she could
get a divorce.

216
00:07:54,290 --> 00:07:56,257
And I'm pretty sure
there was some funny business

217
00:07:56,259 --> 00:07:59,127
going on under
that judge's robe.

218
00:07:59,129 --> 00:08:00,879
What you guys saw
Brad do was nothing.

219
00:08:00,881 --> 00:08:03,231
He's taken it to a
whole other level.

220
00:08:03,233 --> 00:08:04,733
Ladies and...

221
00:08:04,735 --> 00:08:07,602
ladies of the jury,

222
00:08:07,604 --> 00:08:09,303
I'm sorry if I seem down.

223
00:08:09,305 --> 00:08:10,321
My girlfriend

224
00:08:10,323 --> 00:08:11,806
Kara...

225
00:08:11,808 --> 00:08:13,742
broke up with me last night.

226
00:08:13,744 --> 00:08:15,326
Aww...

227
00:08:15,328 --> 00:08:17,478
She said I listen too much,

228
00:08:17,480 --> 00:08:19,531
whatever that means.

229
00:08:19,533 --> 00:08:21,199
Aww...
Aww...

230
00:08:22,034 --> 00:08:25,120
Can you believe this guy?

231
00:08:27,840 --> 00:08:29,541
Really?

232
00:08:30,459 --> 00:08:31,976
Do I even want to see
what I look like?

233
00:08:35,681 --> 00:08:37,599
Wow.

234
00:08:37,601 --> 00:08:39,667
That's, like, super mean.

235
00:08:40,636 --> 00:08:44,338
Next, Brad brought out
his "expert witness."

236
00:08:44,340 --> 00:08:47,275
So, Dr. Bedrosian,
you're saying

237
00:08:47,277 --> 00:08:50,578
that even if Gruber
Pharmaceuticals'

238
00:08:50,580 --> 00:08:54,566
industry-leading drugs
somehow seeped into Frog Lake,

239
00:08:54,568 --> 00:08:57,702
they could actually be
helping the otter population

240
00:08:57,704 --> 00:09:00,071
grow thicker coats of fur?

241
00:09:00,840 --> 00:09:02,791
Absolutely.

242
00:09:02,793 --> 00:09:04,743
And for the older
birds, who...

243
00:09:04,745 --> 00:09:08,163
maybe don't perform as well
in the bedroom as they used to,

244
00:09:08,165 --> 00:09:10,048
could actually
be having

245
00:09:10,050 --> 00:09:11,699
healthier sex lives?

246
00:09:11,701 --> 00:09:13,918
In my expert opinion...

247
00:09:13,920 --> 00:09:15,086
yes...?

248
00:09:15,921 --> 00:09:17,371
Yes.

249
00:09:18,174 --> 00:09:19,257
So Gruber...

250
00:09:19,259 --> 00:09:21,576
is giving these animals
free medicine.

251
00:09:21,578 --> 00:09:26,281
Medicine that you or I would
have to pay a fortune for if...

252
00:09:26,283 --> 00:09:28,433
we needed help
in the bedroom...

253
00:09:28,435 --> 00:09:29,768
which I don't.

254
00:09:31,488 --> 00:09:34,889
You're so bad.

255
00:09:34,891 --> 00:09:36,107
But I realized,

256
00:09:36,109 --> 00:09:39,694
if Brad could call a quack
as his star witness,

257
00:09:39,696 --> 00:09:42,197
then so could I.

258
00:09:43,132 --> 00:09:45,200
You'll get that in a second.

259
00:09:45,202 --> 00:09:46,701
Meet Paddles,

260
00:09:46,703 --> 00:09:48,169
the duckling.

261
00:09:48,171 --> 00:09:48,753
"Quack."

262
00:09:48,755 --> 00:09:49,788
Continue.

263
00:09:50,623 --> 00:09:52,240
Little Paddles here just spent

264
00:09:52,242 --> 00:09:54,408
three months being nursed
back to health.

265
00:09:54,410 --> 00:09:56,044
Why?

266
00:09:56,046 --> 00:09:58,046
Well, because he was found
in Frog Lake

267
00:09:58,048 --> 00:10:01,415
suffering
from acute dermatitis...

268
00:10:02,686 --> 00:10:06,187
a painful full-body rash,
caused by who?

269
00:10:06,189 --> 00:10:08,389
Gruber Pharmaceuticals.

270
00:10:09,776 --> 00:10:11,442
For a brief, shining moment,

271
00:10:11,444 --> 00:10:14,112
it looked like I might
just win this thing.

272
00:10:14,114 --> 00:10:15,530
But then...

273
00:10:15,532 --> 00:10:19,634
I took a field trip to this
so-called "polluted" lake.

274
00:10:19,636 --> 00:10:21,035
If you'll indulge me,

275
00:10:21,037 --> 00:10:23,788
I'd like to share my experience.

276
00:10:23,790 --> 00:10:27,659
Frog Lake.

277
00:10:27,661 --> 00:10:30,111
Behold...

278
00:10:30,113 --> 00:10:32,163
nature's beauty.

279
00:10:33,499 --> 00:10:34,999
Polluted?

280
00:10:35,001 --> 00:10:36,968
Polluted with good times.

281
00:10:41,724 --> 00:10:44,309
Frog... Lake.

282
00:11:00,193 --> 00:11:01,492
Frog Lake.

283
00:11:01,494 --> 00:11:02,660
Come on in.

284
00:11:02,662 --> 00:11:04,596
The water's fine.

285
00:11:10,753 --> 00:11:13,654
I shot and edited that myself.

286
00:11:13,656 --> 00:11:17,141
Yep, I edit stuff, too.

287
00:11:18,544 --> 00:11:21,145
Sorry, Ms. Aldrin, there's no
rap sheet under your name.

288
00:11:21,147 --> 00:11:24,015
Oh, y-you know what,
it must be under

289
00:11:24,017 --> 00:11:26,634
my street tag: Number One Gunna.

290
00:11:26,636 --> 00:11:29,470
Nope. Sorry,
Number One Gunna.

291
00:11:29,472 --> 00:11:31,005
Next!

292
00:11:32,007 --> 00:11:35,509
Those jive-ass turkeys
must've lost it.

293
00:11:35,511 --> 00:11:36,677
Well, they're
pretty swamped

294
00:11:36,679 --> 00:11:38,363
arresting 1970s pimps
like yourself.

295
00:11:38,365 --> 00:11:40,398
Lily, let it go.

296
00:11:40,400 --> 00:11:42,817
I didn't want to brag,
but I think

297
00:11:42,819 --> 00:11:44,018
it's time to acknowledge

298
00:11:44,020 --> 00:11:47,989
that I was the ultimate
teenage badass of this group.

299
00:11:49,159 --> 00:11:51,159
You were a teen
pop star in Canada.

300
00:11:51,161 --> 00:11:53,795
You sang songs about the mall.
Hey.

301
00:11:53,797 --> 00:11:56,714
There is a dark side
to being a rocker on the road

302
00:11:56,716 --> 00:11:58,132
north of the 49th.

303
00:12:00,086 --> 00:12:01,869
Mm, thanks.

304
00:12:04,607 --> 00:12:05,295
Hey.

305
00:12:05,320 --> 00:12:07,509
We've received
some noise complaints, eh?

306
00:12:07,710 --> 00:12:09,644
Can you please lower the music?

307
00:12:09,646 --> 00:12:12,146
Oh, yeah. Yeah, sure.

308
00:12:12,148 --> 00:12:13,381
Sure.

309
00:12:13,383 --> 00:12:15,883
How aboot, uh,
I lower the TV, too,

310
00:12:15,885 --> 00:12:17,185
yeah?

311
00:12:23,193 --> 00:12:26,060
Three hours later,
I was arrested

312
00:12:26,062 --> 00:12:29,414
drunk, naked,
and driving a Zamboni.

313
00:12:29,416 --> 00:12:32,834
Man, that DUI drove my insurance
through the roof.

314
00:12:34,053 --> 00:12:36,254
Please be seated.

315
00:12:37,456 --> 00:12:39,040
Mr. Morris,
good seeing you this morning.

316
00:12:39,042 --> 00:12:40,792
Mr. Eriksen...

317
00:12:40,794 --> 00:12:41,592
you're here.

318
00:12:41,594 --> 00:12:43,094
Any, uh,

319
00:12:43,096 --> 00:12:44,295
final witnesses?

320
00:12:44,297 --> 00:12:46,714
Well, Your Honor, um...

321
00:12:48,851 --> 00:12:49,934
Um...

322
00:12:52,021 --> 00:12:55,589
Actually, Your Honor,
uh, I'm afraid...

323
00:12:55,591 --> 00:12:58,393
Mr. Eriksen?

324
00:13:01,397 --> 00:13:03,448
Your Honor,
I call Brad Morris

325
00:13:03,450 --> 00:13:04,565
to the stand.

326
00:13:04,567 --> 00:13:06,150
Mr. Eriksen, this is

327
00:13:06,152 --> 00:13:07,601
highly irregular.
I would like

328
00:13:07,603 --> 00:13:09,370
Mr. Morris to remove his shirt.

329
00:13:09,372 --> 00:13:11,956
I'll allow it.
Objection, Your Honor,

330
00:13:11,958 --> 00:13:13,607
on grounds that this is ridonk!

331
00:13:13,609 --> 00:13:15,410
Overruled. Take it off.

332
00:13:28,590 --> 00:13:30,558
Acute...

333
00:13:30,560 --> 00:13:32,560
dermatitis,

334
00:13:32,562 --> 00:13:35,313
courtesy of Frog Lake

335
00:13:35,315 --> 00:13:37,265
and Gruber
Pharmaceuticals.

336
00:13:39,185 --> 00:13:41,569
That was badass.

337
00:13:41,571 --> 00:13:43,087
So, in the end,

338
00:13:43,089 --> 00:13:46,441
one might say you were forced
to do something...

339
00:13:46,443 --> 00:13:47,825
rash?

340
00:13:47,827 --> 00:13:50,778
Rash!

341
00:13:50,780 --> 00:13:53,664
You know, I had that one,
but Lily told me to cut it.

342
00:13:53,666 --> 00:13:55,166
Um, anyway...

343
00:13:55,168 --> 00:13:57,651
all that was left
was the verdict.

344
00:13:59,039 --> 00:14:03,591
"We, the jury,
find Gruber Pharmaceuticals...

345
00:14:03,593 --> 00:14:04,926
guilty."

346
00:14:04,928 --> 00:14:06,961
Yes!

347
00:14:08,881 --> 00:14:10,681
$25 million.

348
00:14:10,683 --> 00:14:14,302
That tie is not only
tasteful; it's lucky!

349
00:14:14,304 --> 00:14:18,672
I hereby fine Gruber
in the amount of $25,000.

350
00:14:18,674 --> 00:14:20,475
Court is adjourned.

351
00:14:27,939 --> 00:14:30,791
Your Honor, $25,000?
What just happened?

352
00:14:31,477 --> 00:14:34,394
Son, yes, Gruber Pharmaceuticals
probably polluted that lake,

353
00:14:34,396 --> 00:14:36,229
but I'm not gonna ruin
an important company

354
00:14:36,231 --> 00:14:38,081
just because they gave
some bird a rash.

355
00:14:38,083 --> 00:14:39,449
No, but it's thousands of birds,

356
00:14:39,451 --> 00:14:41,635
and fish and otters and turtles...
Look, Eriksen,

357
00:14:41,637 --> 00:14:43,053
I hate to cut you short,

358
00:14:43,055 --> 00:14:44,971
but I got tickets to Annie
and my wife is waiting.

359
00:14:44,973 --> 00:14:46,590
You have a wi...

360
00:14:46,592 --> 00:14:48,842
won-wonderful show to see?

361
00:14:48,844 --> 00:14:50,427
Guilty. Ciao.

362
00:14:53,481 --> 00:14:56,316
You'd best get
your mind right, son!

363
00:14:56,318 --> 00:14:58,652
The game is the game,
and there ain't no winners.

364
00:14:58,654 --> 00:15:01,321
How many retired
gangbangers you know?

365
00:15:01,822 --> 00:15:03,306
Exactly.

366
00:15:07,411 --> 00:15:09,246
Barney...

367
00:15:09,248 --> 00:15:10,847
check it out.

368
00:15:10,849 --> 00:15:12,365
I found my scrapbook
from the old days.

369
00:15:12,367 --> 00:15:13,917
We're kind of busy
right now, Warren.

370
00:15:13,919 --> 00:15:15,035
We're scaring kids
straight, so...

371
00:15:15,037 --> 00:15:16,286
No, no.
Barney was

372
00:15:16,288 --> 00:15:18,455
the youngest member
of our Magic Enthusiasts Club

373
00:15:18,457 --> 00:15:19,506
years back.

374
00:15:19,508 --> 00:15:20,657
Famous for

375
00:15:20,659 --> 00:15:21,958
escaping from handcuffs.

376
00:15:21,960 --> 00:15:22,842
Handcuffs, huh?

377
00:15:22,844 --> 00:15:24,177
Very tiny hands.

378
00:15:24,179 --> 00:15:26,379
That was his secret.

379
00:15:26,600 --> 00:15:28,049
See you around, baby hands.

380
00:15:30,653 --> 00:15:33,522
So, you don't know the bailiff
because you were a badass.

381
00:15:33,524 --> 00:15:36,775
You knew him because you guys
were in a nerd club together.

382
00:15:36,777 --> 00:15:40,696
Where you dazzled audiences
with your sleight-of-tiny-hand.

383
00:15:40,698 --> 00:15:43,832
So I was a late hand bloomer!

384
00:15:43,834 --> 00:15:45,701
Go ahead, laugh,

385
00:15:45,703 --> 00:15:47,186
laugh like all the others,

386
00:15:47,188 --> 00:15:50,172
but those magicians pulled off
the greatest trick of all:

387
00:15:50,174 --> 00:15:53,208
they accepted me.

388
00:15:54,744 --> 00:15:56,745
Okay, well,
to be fair,

389
00:15:56,747 --> 00:15:59,381
I... may have
slightly exaggerated

390
00:15:59,383 --> 00:16:01,633
my badass story, too.

391
00:16:02,937 --> 00:16:05,137
Oh, sorry. Uh, no,
thank you, housekeeping.

392
00:16:05,139 --> 00:16:06,789
I've already made my bed.

393
00:16:06,791 --> 00:16:09,892
And I only used
one washcloth, so it's...

394
00:16:09,894 --> 00:16:12,945
Congratulations,
Miss Sparkles.

395
00:16:12,947 --> 00:16:14,129
On behalf

396
00:16:14,131 --> 00:16:15,531
of the Manitoba Hotel

397
00:16:15,533 --> 00:16:17,900
and Curling Rink Association,
we'd like to thank you

398
00:16:17,902 --> 00:16:21,653
for being the nicest, most
well-behaved hotel guest ever.

399
00:16:21,655 --> 00:16:23,772
Oh, yippee!

400
00:16:23,774 --> 00:16:25,574
What a loser!

401
00:16:25,576 --> 00:16:27,609
Your story's not true,
either, is it, Ted?

402
00:16:27,611 --> 00:16:28,911
Not at all.

403
00:16:28,913 --> 00:16:33,281
Make sure you get
my good side, Princess!

404
00:16:35,586 --> 00:16:37,419
I left the courthouse that day

405
00:16:37,421 --> 00:16:40,339
questioning what
I was even doing with my life...

406
00:16:40,341 --> 00:16:43,225
and then that night,
I had a dream.

407
00:16:43,227 --> 00:16:45,294
Sorry I failed, son.

408
00:16:45,296 --> 00:16:47,179
What about your
Pebble Theory, Dad?

409
00:16:47,181 --> 00:16:50,682
One good deed ripples out
and makes another and another?

410
00:16:50,684 --> 00:16:52,568
Yeah.

411
00:16:52,570 --> 00:16:54,469
This is what really happens

412
00:16:54,471 --> 00:16:58,574
when you throw a pebble
into Frog Lake.

413
00:17:01,995 --> 00:17:04,112
The truth is,
you can fight

414
00:17:04,114 --> 00:17:07,482
your whole life to do good
and still get nowhere.

415
00:17:07,484 --> 00:17:08,650
You're wrong.

416
00:17:08,652 --> 00:17:11,003
Some good's gonna ripple
out of this, Dad.

417
00:17:11,005 --> 00:17:12,754
I promise.

418
00:17:15,459 --> 00:17:19,344
Great, I've angered
the Frog King.

419
00:17:19,346 --> 00:17:23,164
Later that night,
some good did ripple out.

420
00:17:24,518 --> 00:17:26,468
Hey.

421
00:17:26,470 --> 00:17:28,620
What, are you
here to gloat?

422
00:17:28,622 --> 00:17:32,024
No. Came here to thank you.

423
00:17:32,026 --> 00:17:33,058
For reminding me

424
00:17:33,060 --> 00:17:35,360
of why I got into law
in the first place:

425
00:17:35,362 --> 00:17:37,029
to fight for the little guy.

426
00:17:37,031 --> 00:17:38,063
Which is why

427
00:17:38,065 --> 00:17:39,848
I said "Hasta Lucia" to my firm,

428
00:17:39,850 --> 00:17:42,017
and took a job
at your firm, brobeans.

429
00:17:42,019 --> 00:17:43,685
Don't "brobeans" me.

430
00:17:43,687 --> 00:17:47,489
My boss would never hire you
after the way you lied to us.

431
00:17:47,491 --> 00:17:50,042
I told him I'd take every
last bit of manipulation,

432
00:17:50,044 --> 00:17:51,960
deception, and accidental
pen-dropping

433
00:17:51,962 --> 00:17:55,747
I used against you guys and
put it towards saving the world.

434
00:17:55,749 --> 00:17:57,049
Even if that's true,

435
00:17:57,051 --> 00:17:59,801
I'm still not sure
that I can forgive you.

436
00:17:59,803 --> 00:18:03,672
Would you object to
an 11:15 brunch rezzy for two

437
00:18:03,674 --> 00:18:06,141
tomorrow at the Popover Pantry?

438
00:18:08,344 --> 00:18:10,395
I'll allow it.

439
00:18:10,397 --> 00:18:12,064
Yes! The Brunch Bros are back!

440
00:18:13,816 --> 00:18:16,401
And thank God we were,
because...

441
00:18:16,403 --> 00:18:17,986
well, what he said next

442
00:18:17,988 --> 00:18:20,689
is the reason that
I'm sitting in this chair.

443
00:18:20,691 --> 00:18:21,990
Seriously,

444
00:18:21,992 --> 00:18:25,226
thanks— for giving my soul
a little redempsh.

445
00:18:25,228 --> 00:18:28,163
And B-T-dubs,
that judge was an idiot.

446
00:18:28,165 --> 00:18:29,414
It's people
like you,

447
00:18:29,416 --> 00:18:33,251
people with hope
and vision and integ,

448
00:18:33,253 --> 00:18:36,237
that should be behind that bench
making the calls.

449
00:18:37,724 --> 00:18:40,509
And that's when I realized
I wanted to be a judge.

450
00:18:40,511 --> 00:18:41,743
Because judges

451
00:18:41,745 --> 00:18:43,929
are the ones who
can effect real change.

452
00:18:43,931 --> 00:18:45,246
And that's why I'm here,

453
00:18:45,248 --> 00:18:48,517
before the New York State
Judiciary Committee.

454
00:18:48,519 --> 00:18:51,269
I hope that you will consider me

455
00:18:51,271 --> 00:18:54,606
for an appointment
to a judgeship.

456
00:18:54,608 --> 00:18:55,824
Thank you,
Mr. Eriksen.

457
00:18:55,826 --> 00:18:58,193
The panel will take this
under advisement.

458
00:18:59,062 --> 00:19:00,812
Take your time.

459
00:19:02,281 --> 00:19:04,316
It could be a few months.

460
00:19:05,418 --> 00:19:08,570
Better tell my wife
I won't be home for dinner.

461
00:19:08,572 --> 00:19:09,604
Get out.

462
00:19:14,711 --> 00:19:15,443
Hey.

463
00:19:15,445 --> 00:19:16,444
Hey.

464
00:19:16,446 --> 00:19:17,963
How are you?
Uh, great. You?

465
00:19:17,965 --> 00:19:19,915
So gr...

466
00:19:19,917 --> 00:19:22,617
Can we talk about this
for a second?

467
00:19:22,619 --> 00:19:24,619
Yeah.

468
00:19:24,621 --> 00:19:28,006
It is super-weird between us,
and I don't want it to be.

469
00:19:28,008 --> 00:19:29,257
Me, neither.

470
00:19:29,259 --> 00:19:31,259
So let me just say this.

471
00:19:31,261 --> 00:19:32,811
I'm done.

472
00:19:32,813 --> 00:19:35,230
You don't have
to worry anymore.

473
00:19:35,232 --> 00:19:36,848
What do you mean?

474
00:19:36,850 --> 00:19:38,567
I'm done trying to get you.

475
00:19:38,569 --> 00:19:40,485
I can't do it anymore.

476
00:19:40,487 --> 00:19:43,138
I'm sorry it's taken me
this long to figure it out,

477
00:19:43,140 --> 00:19:44,973
but I promise...

478
00:19:44,975 --> 00:19:47,976
I'm done making
a fool of myself.

479
00:19:47,978 --> 00:19:49,828
Barney, you haven't been making
a fool out of yourself...

480
00:19:49,829 --> 00:19:50,530
It's okay.

481
00:19:50,531 --> 00:19:51,663
It's okay.

482
00:19:51,665 --> 00:19:54,315
I want it to be okay.

483
00:19:54,317 --> 00:19:55,667
So here's what's
gonna happen.

484
00:19:55,669 --> 00:19:58,120
I'm gonna get us two drinks,

485
00:19:58,122 --> 00:20:01,039
come back and comment
on the likely size and color

486
00:20:01,041 --> 00:20:03,675
of the nipples
on that redhead at the bar,

487
00:20:03,677 --> 00:20:05,627
with the big, dark nipples.

488
00:20:05,629 --> 00:20:07,162
And you're gonna
be grossed out,

489
00:20:07,164 --> 00:20:10,115
but you're gonna laugh
a little anyway, and then you'll tell

490
00:20:10,117 --> 00:20:12,884
a funny story about
"that bitch Patrice" at work,

491
00:20:12,886 --> 00:20:15,336
but neither one of us
are gonna say,

492
00:20:15,338 --> 00:20:17,505
"Hey, how's it going?"
or "Good to see you!"

493
00:20:17,507 --> 00:20:20,692
Because it really will be
good to see you.

494
00:20:22,028 --> 00:20:24,345
Think we can swing that?

495
00:20:25,181 --> 00:20:26,865
Yeah, I do.

496
00:20:28,117 --> 00:20:29,618
Badass.

497
00:20:41,564 --> 00:20:43,031
Huh.

498
00:20:47,578 --> 00:20:50,563
Thanks for your support, guys.
It means a lot.

499
00:20:51,600 --> 00:20:54,201
We'll call in sick anytime
you have a problem.

500
00:20:59,073 --> 00:21:00,274
Lily coming!

501
00:21:00,276 --> 00:21:02,009
Lily coming!

502
00:21:03,929 --> 00:21:05,879
Badass.

503
00:21:05,881 --> 00:21:10,881
== sync, corrected by elderman ==