Lily, I just saw
the worst thing ever!
Kind of busy
right now, Marshall.
Quiet.
He can hear you.
Who's "he"?
He's coming!
Everyone shut up!
Okay, kids, you're probably
wondering how
we all got here.
Oh, hey, buddy,
can we borrow your
air mattress?
My mom's coming into
town for a few days.
Absolutely not.
Bummer, I guess
she can't stay with us.
Hey, look,
what I just found.
A list of hotels and other
creative housing options.
Baby, my mom is not
staying at a hotel.
Or our storage unit.
Why can't we borrow
your air mattress?
Because when you animals
borrow things,
you never return them.
That's ridiculous.
No, my Cleveland, Ohio,
Chamber of Commerce
mini-cooler
is ridiculous.
Ridiculous at keeping
stuff cold
while also promoting Ohio's
second-largest rubber producer.
Watch your back, Akron.
I totally gave that back.
And what about that
"Vote For Ted" hoodie
from when I ran for treasurer
in high school?
Mrs. Gooding said
my concession speech was,
"full of grace."
I don't recall
borrowing that.
And whatever happened
to my limited edition DVD
of the classic 1989
Silverman-McCarthy romp,
Weekend at Bernie's,
"borrowed" well over
six months ago?
Yeah, I'm
keeping that.
Those extra features
are awesome.
I mean, that making-of
documentary?
"How Bernie
Avoided The Gurney:
A Cinematic Journey."
Look, I'm just tired
of people borrowing things
and never returning them.
If you don't believe me,
ask my ex-friend Stuart.
Ted, I gave your red
cowboy boots back
the day after Halloween.
How could you lie to me
right to my face, Stuart?
You are a horrible
human being.
Congrats on
your daughter's christening.
And where's the worst abuser
of my generosity, Barney?
Or should I say,
"Borrow-ney"?
You should
never say that.
And I think he's out
with Patrice.
Uch, Patrice?
That's still happening?
Kids, you remember Patrice.
She worked
with your Aunt Robin.
Robin! You left
your purse at the
vending machine,
and some guy tried
to steal it!
I fought him off, but I think
I dislocated my shoulder.
You scratched the leather! Oh!
Can't you do anything right,
Patrice?
That Barney-and-Patrice
thing is so bogus.
He's clearly trying
to get back at me
for rejecting him.
Um, Robin, after you
rejected Barney,
didn't he reject you?
And didn't you go over
to his place and
try to sleep with him
in your purple-and-
black underwear?
Hey, uh, Lil, feel free
to disregard that
"Don't tell anyone
about this ever" thing.
She has your
mini-cooler.
I knew it!
But seriously,
what other reason would
Barney have to
date Patrice?
It's an over-correction.
How dare you?
What is that?
Barney was engaged
to Quinn, a stripper
he never really trusted.
So he overcorrects
by dating her opposite:
warm and nurturing
Patrice.
That does happen,
like Ted.
After you broke up
with sweet innocent Victoria.
No, you hang up first.
Hang up,
you little bitch!
Over-correction.
Yeah. And it's not just
relationships.
Remember when that
comedy club owner
told Marshall
that his "funny fish names"
stand-up act
didn't have enough edge?
Flounder?
I barely know her! Oh!
Over-correction.
Although it was better
than his Chris Rock rip-off.
A trout with a daughter
has one job.
One job!
To keep her off
the fishing pole!
You suck!
Lily!
I'm a little worried
about Ted.
I mean, we're parents now,
and even Barney is moving on.
I just wish he had
someone to talk to.
Even for a week.
Or you know, four days,
three nights.
My mom is not staying
with Ted!
He'd love her bacon-
gummy bear pancakes.
I'm her special boy,
I get her special pancakes.
But my dad is here
nannying all the time.
Then add your mom in?
This place is crowded
enough already.
Hey, Lil,
let me know
how the pump's working.
I cleaned it for you.
It's fine, Dad.
Yeah, I had
to check the suction,
so I tested it on myself.
Oh, no.
Don't worry, the suction's fine,
actually kind of nice.
Okay, Barney is so not
for real about Patrice.
Today he did the craziest,
most clearly staged
for my benefit thing ever.
Hey, Patrice,
you ready for lunch?
Sure.
Right, right?
I mean,
what's next, birthday gifts?
Wake up, people, this is
not an overcorrection,
it's fraud, and we need
to keep trying
to stop this.
What do you mean,
"keep trying"?
Barney is not
who you think he is.
What do you mean?
Well, he has a book
of plays he uses
to trick women
into sleeping with him.
Oh, no way,
Barney's my honey bear.
Actually, one of his plays
is called The Honey Bear.
He dresses up
like Winnie the Pooh,
and the next thing you know,
his hand's stuck in your pot.
Robin, you're a doll
for worrying about me,
but that doesn't sound at all
like my Barney.
Why won't you let me
help you, Patrice?
She can't see
that Barney is using her,
and it breaks my heart.
You know, I-I-I
love Patrice.
We're like sisters.
You've never gotten
through even one exchange
without screaming at her.
Sisters fight, Ted!
But the bond
is always there.
Okay?
Okay.
And that's
why I need
to steal The Playbook
and show it to Patrice,
so she'll believe me.
Or you could do
almost anything else
and not sound
so creepy.
Robin,
seriously, this obsession
isn't healthy.
Just let it go.
Maybe you guys are right.
Thanks for talking
some sense into me.
Lily, can I ask you a question?
If it's "Did somebody put gravel
in the couch cushions
you're sleeping on,"
absolutely not.
What would be the motive?
No, it's not that.
Uh, don't tell Marshall
because he's not ready,
but I think I might want
to get back out there
and meet a nice man.
Wow, that's great, Judy.
And I thought
you might be able to help
because you always look
so good.
You think I look good?
I mean, you dress
like a Duluth streetwalker,
but my son seems to like it.
I'll take it.
So, any advice?
Well, first I'd throw out
any giant sweater
with a horse on it.
Even the ones...?
Even the ones
that have manes
with real horse hair, yes.
And second, I'd let the gals
out to play a little more.
The gals?
Oh...
you mean the Minnesota Twins.
Meanwhile, Robin was
about to give up
on ever finding The Playbook
until...
Ugh, the Bro Code, damn it.
David Lee Roth's autobiography?
Crap.
"To the best wingman ever.
"We'll always have Panama.
Love, Diamond Dave."
Patrice, it's really nice of you
to buy Robin a new purse,
but it's not your fault that
the other one got scratched.
Anyway, just get
yourself over here.
I've got the tree,
the decorations,
and the know-how
from Lethal Weapon 2
to pop that shoulder
right back into place.
Yep, there is not one reason
to leave this apartment
for even a second tonight.
Ow.
How's my favorite architect?
Other than incredibly handsome.
Hey, Mom.
No, it's Robin.
What do you need?
For reasons
that aren't important,
I'm trapped in Barney's closet.
Help get me out, and I'll return
your Weekend at Bernie's DVD.
No way, that's not enough to get
me involved in your crazy mess.
I'll also go with you
to the five-day fan convention
in the desert.
You'll come with me
to Bernie Man?
Yes, just hurry.
Ooh...
someone's excited to see me.
Who's Mama's big boy?
Who is Mama's big boy?
Wait.
I am.
Mickey?
And I've been bad.
Get off my mommy.
Hugh Hefner
in your lobby right now.
I'm gonna grab my robe.
"Teddy's first Christmas"?
Barney, are these my ornaments?
That could be anyone's
baby handprint, Ted.
Now, come on, Hef's old,
but he moves like a cheetah.
Why would you do that...
with Mickey?
I've been lonely,
Marshall, and all the men
in St. Cloud's idea of romance
is taking me ice fishing.
That was me and
your father's thing.
Plus,
call it an overcorrection,
but it's kind of nice
being with a sophisticated,
big-city man.
You know, I don't know
what the big deal is.
You've been bumping uglies
with my daughter for years.
The second I climb up on your
mom, it's the end of the world?
How could you think
that was Hef?
It was
an honest mistake.
That guy was black, Ted.
I guess I just don't notice
that kind of stuff.
We'll get to the grotto
one day, my pet.
One day.
How's my favorite architect?
Other than well-endowed.
Mom?
No, it's Robin again.
Look, you've got to come
back in and get my purse.
Nope, I'm done. Bye, Robin.
Wait!
What if I told you
I was looking at
your red cowboy boots right now?
Describe them.
They're red
and they're cowboy boots.
That's them!
Why are they at Barney's?
Hey, Barney.
Just returning Ted's boots
I borrowed for Halloween.
You were a cowboy?
No, my wife
was Wonder Woman.
Can you believe Ted thinks a guy
can get laid wearing these?
Challenge accepted.
Do you know what
that sound is, Ted?
That's a red boot
about to be savagely
cut up by my pocketknife!
You mean my pocketknife.
I lent it to you two years ago.
Hey.
Sorry about the
Hugh Hefner mix-up.
But seriously,
Jon Bon Jovi is downstairs.
You sure it isn't my landlady,
Mrs. Takahashi?
I'm serious.
The janitor just
mopped the floor.
Bon Jovi is literally
standing next to a sign
that says "Slippery When Wet."
Uh-uh.
I want those ornaments back.
Damn it, Ted!
You get those ornaments
all year.
I just need
'em for Christmas!
Oh. Hey, Patrice.
Did you have any
trouble finding Rudolph?
No, it was right on Ted's
fire escape like you said.
Are you sure he's okay
with us borrowing it?
Positive.
I got your purse.
Oh, Ted, you're the best!
But I'm trapped in Barney's
living room closet.
Oh, Ted, you're the worst.
Okay, enough messing around.
I'm calling in The Wolf.
Lily?
Lily.
What are you doing here?
Hold on, Marshall's calling
me on the other line.
Lily, I just saw
the worst thing ever.
Kind of busy right
now, Marshall.
Quiet.
He can hear you.
Who's "he"?
He's coming!
Everyone shut up!
I'm just gonna grab this star
to put on top of the tree.
It's gonna be legend...
wait for it... merry!
What are you doing here, Lily?
I've been using
Barney's apartment
to pump milk for Marvin.
What? Why?
Our apartment
is so crowded these days,
I don't get a minute to myself!
I have a key
to Barney's apartment,
he has a kick-ass couch,
and he DVR's all
the Real Housewives shows,
including the reunion specials.
What are you doing here?
I came to get The Playbook
so I could show Patrice
who Barney really is.
Why can't you just
let them be happy?
Because they're not
really happy, Lily!
Patrice, can you grab my
computer from the bedroom?
I want to change my
Facebook status to "happy!"
You shouldn't have that.
You're right.
What?
Where is Ted?
My label maker!
No! I'm never coming out!
You know, Marshall, you've been
in there for a while now.
And I couldn't help but notice
you chugged that Super Big Gulp.
It's not gonna work, Mickey.
My bladder's
as big as your betrayal!
I see. So it's not gonna
bother you to think
about leaky faucets
or open hydrants,
or rushing rivers, or...
Oh, God, I got to pee. Oh!
What is this?
Where did you find that?
I didn't want to believe
that this existed,
but is this... The Playbook?
Let's see him lie his
way out of this one.
Yes, it is.
These are
all the tricks I used
to get women to sleep with me.
What do you
mean, tricks?
Like...
"The Two-Can-Play-at-That Game."
Can I help you?
I'm sorry to be the one
to tell you this, but...
my wife is having an affair
with your husband.
I even found a list
of every dirty way
they've enjoyed
each others' bodies.
I wish there was some way
we could get back at them.
There is.
We can kill them.
I'm sorry to be the
one to tell you this...
You're not who I
thought you were.
Patrice, I...
I need some air.
I...
Come on, Patrice, you...
You have got to
be kidding me.
Wait. Is that my mini-cooler?
Not now, Ted.
Let's go!
Shh! Shh!
Patrice, I have done
some sleazy stuff to
seduce women, but
I want to be a better person.
You make me want to be
a better person.
I can't be with a man
who has a playbook.
I understand.
Whoa.
Whoa!
Is that my garbage can?
I knew you were
a keeper.
Oh.
(rapid, rhythmic beeping,
Barney sighs)
I should go explain
this to the super.
Hey, come with.
There's a small chance
Jon Bon Jovi's
down in the lobby.
"You Give Love a Bad Name"
is the first track
on my "Get Psyched" mix!
Mine, too!
You still don't believe
those two are for real?
I'll take that.
The Ted Mosby Store
is officially closed.
What spilled in here?
Breast milk.
Seriously, I give and give,
and all I ask back
is a little bit of respect.
Okay, so tonight got weird.
You have no idea.
My mom's apparently ready
to get back out there.
Marshall, she told me
all about it,
and I was happy to help.
You helped? Why?
I know it's hard to think of
your mom as a woman with needs,
but you have to let
her get out there
and rediscover her sexuality
with someone special.
Oh, you don't know.
No, uh, Marshall,
I do know.
You just think it's gross
because it's your parent.
But you know what?
It's beautiful.
Mm.
My mom
and your dad are humping.
I think you should be happy
for them.
What? Why?
What is good about this?
Well, first of all,
respect to Mickey.
Your mom's a piece.
She's no Ted's mom,
but she's a piece.
And secondly,
I mean, it's nice
that they found each other.
Sometimes you fall for someone
you'd never expect,
but that doesn't make it wrong.
Doesn't everyone deserve
to be happy?
I guess none of us thought
of it that way.
Next round's on me.
Wow.
I know.
Barney's lost it.
He needs an intervention.
Oh!
Oh...
Robin, after
everything we've seen,
do you still think
Barney's faking this?
No, but we have
to stop it.
Barney is not
Barney anymore.
Well, people change.
But not this fast
and this drastically.
This is a cry
for help, okay?
If I was out of control, I
would want you guys to help me.
So, what do you
say? Intervention?
Intervention.
Oh, good. You're all here.
Um,
when Barney shows up,
it's important for him
not to feel ganged up on,
so, let's start with, um,
"We love you,
and we're worried about you."
We love you,
and we're worried about you.
Oh. Great.
But you know, with less pity
in your eyes.
Sweetie, sit down.
Uh, no. Only the person getting
the intervention sits down.
Yeah.
Oh.
Please tell me
this is about my drinking.
Damn it.
So, we, um...
we just wanted to say
that we're sorry for
the way that we acted
when we found out
about you two.
Your happiness is
what is most important,
so, if you two want to date,
it's okay by us.
Who said anything
about dating?
This is just
about sex.
We're family...
with benefits.