Kids, in late 2012, I received
a very important text message.
Uncle Barney and Aunt Robin
were engaged,
marking a truly happy time
for our little group.
The problem was
one of us was
definitely not happy.
Marvin will not
stop crying.
What do you guys think it is?
Is he hungry?
Well, that must be it.
Huh!
Thank you for thinking
of that, Ted.
And here we were
just watering him
and facing him
towards the sunlight.
Sorry, I haven't slept in...
January.
Food going in
isn't the problem,
it's what's coming out,
or not coming out.
He hasn't pooped
in three days.
Yeah, normally
I wouldn't wish one
of his dirty diapers
on my worst enemy,
but now I kind of miss
popping the hood
in the morning
and finding that first
big juicy, black...
Lily, I'm eating chili.
I'm eating chili, Lily.
Confetti.
Big blast of confetti.
Normally, the kid's
a confetti machine.
He's Rip Taylor
in a diaper.
I have a feeling
at this point, Rip Taylor
is Rip Taylor in a diaper.
And with that image,
dinner is done.
Hey, guys.
Hey.
Well, well, well.
Here comes the bride.
Now the annoying part, right?
Planning the wedding?
So not fun, right?
I don't know... I'm kind of
looking forward to it.
Fine, I'll do it for you.
First thing we need
to do is set a date.
May 25, 2013.
Thank you, Ted.
The ladies are talking.
Actually, that is the date.
Ted offered to help
with the planning a little.
And, well, uh...
That's a big binder.
Oh, this?
This is just cakes.
Anyway, we're having
the ceremony
at that beautiful little
church out on Long Island,
where Victoria almost got
married... lovely spot.
And then we're gonna have a
reception in a big white tent
on the front lawn
of the hotel.
Oh, and, uh, the
colors are cream
and lilac.
I will cut you, bitch.
No, L-L-Lily...
Whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa.
I'm cool, I'm cool.
Hey, Robin, where's Barney?
Did he skip town already?
If so, exactly
what time was it?
It's important
for the over/under.
Barney's fine, it's just...
well, earlier this morning...
So, it's been three days
since I said yes.
True.
And your panic
attacks are getting
shorter and further apart.
I can't do this!
I feel like I'm drowning!
Also true.
So I guess we're
officially engaged.
Maybe we should
tell our parents.
I assume my dad already knows...
you did call him
and got his permission, right?
Yeah, yeah, Robin.
I bought you with an ox
and some spices from the East.
Uh, he's gonna put
you in a cage.
and send you on horseback
to my remote desert camp.
Okay, Barney...
Hold on, I'm not done.
Where you'll be bathed
in perfumes and oils
and delivered to my tent.
After you perform
the traditional
Dance of the Seven Veils,
we'll adjourn
to the tiger skin
rug where we'll...
Barney...
Robin!
If we're gonna build
a marriage together,
we have got to stop interrupting
each other all the time.
Fine, finish your story.
Thank you.
Where we'll do it.
Did you ask
for my father's permission?
No, I did not.
So, as some of you know,
my dad is a little scary.
A little? Dude's a
stone cold Slytherin.
He always looks like he
just came from slapping
some guy tied to a
chair in a back room.
Anyway, we go get lunch...
Look, I know I already
told you this,
but my dad is a scary guy.
Please, I think
I can handle...
Oh, vampire in the daylight,
vampire in the daylight!
Oh, my God.
Hello, Robin.
Hello, sir.
Put that thing away,
Give your old man a hug.
And then it got
really scary.
I'm glad you could
meet me here
at my favorite
restaurant.
Carol and I come
here all the time.
I... you...
When... Da...
who's Carol?
Oh, right,
you haven't met Carol, um...
Very special woman.
48 years old, dental
hygienist, no kids.
Likes Zumba.
She's the reason I moved
to New York City.
Eight months ago.
Thanks for the call, by the way.
Well, I figured you knew.
It's on my Facebook page.
You really should respond
to my friend request.
I post a lot of great stuff.
Are you familiar with memes?
There's a cat who says,
"I can has cheeseburger?"
Okay, what the hell
happened to you?
Robin, I know in the past,
I have been...
emotionally distant.
But Carol has
brought out a whole
new side of me.
I have a new outlook
on life
a devil-may-care insouciance
that embodies the credo,
"No shirt, no shoes,
no problem."
Robin...
I'm fun now.
Oh, God.
He's fun now?
That does not sound fun.
No child should have to see
a parent go through that.
Well, it probably took
some of the pressure
off the Barney of it all.
Sir, hi.
My name
is Barney Stinson.
This is Barney?
This man is blond.
Grown men are not blond.
Dad.
Pleased to meet you.
That's a very...
fun hair color.
That's nothing... when he met me,
his first words were,
"Nice blouse."
You were wearing a blouse.
It was not a blouse!
Oh, great.
You're all here.
Let's talk
about our wedding band.
How much do you guys think
they should rock?
'Cause I vote, a million.
Yeah, yeah, I think we
already settled on a DJ, so...
Lily, do you remember
the band you guys
almost hired
for your wedding?
Remember them?
I'll call them up
and book them for you.
Just say the word.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I feel
like we keep coming back
to this DJ thing.
What do you think, baby?
Yeah, I don't think
anyone should book anything
right now.
Why not?
Well, I am going to go the room
marked "Spaghettis,"
which I'm hoping
is the ladies room.
"Meatballs" has
to be men's, right?
I don't know
what the hell
"Calamaris" is.
Um...
Sir, I-I-I...
Permission denied.
Ooh.
And it turns out,
"spaghettis" are men.
I saw a noodle.
He said no?
Yeah, I don't know
what we're gonna do.
Relax, baby.
I got this.
I know how to be persuasive.
The next day,
Uncle Barney met Robin's dad
for lunch
at the same restaurant.
This time, with a plan.
Hello,
Mr. Scherbatsky.
I think we got off
on the wrong foot.
You have my attention.
I left the meatball at home
so I could talk to you
spaghetti to spaghetti.
Sir...
I'm very serious
about marrying your daughter.
Barney, when I wanted
to marry Robin's mother,
I slaughtered
a whole family of bears
with my bare hands.
I gave
the pelts and the bear meat
to her father as tribute.
You know what we call that
in Canada?
Manners.
Would either
of you like a mudslide?
I just had one.
Thank you.
I'll have a Jazzy Pizzazzy
Razzleberry Rainbow Milkshake
with a swirly straw?
You didn't say the magic word.
I'll go get your drink.
Still crying, huh?
Yeah. We've tried
everything short
of a pack of smokes
and a cup of coffee.
Still nothing but clean dipeys.
There's only one
explanation for this.
Marvin
has potty-trained himself.
He sneaks into the bathroom
while we're sleeping.
I'll ask Barney
to check the tapes.
Barney has cameras
in our bathroom?
Well, I mean, don't you think?
Hey, guys.
Robin, good.
You're here. Bad news.
That wedding band you wanted
is booked for May 25.
Oh, no. What are you gonna do?
Oh! Oh, hey! Here's an idea.
Oh, God, Ted,
if you suggest a DJ...
Far from it.
I was going to suggest a band.
A band called...
Kool and the Gang.
Robin,
would you like for me
to get Kool and the Gang
to play at your wedding?
Uh... I... yeah, guess so.
And would it be okay
if they invited their friends,
Beyonce and-and ABBA:
and the Bee Gees,
and Journey,
and Queen?
What? You're...?
What are you say...?
How... how is that
even possible?
I'll tell you how.
You hire a DJ.
Wicka-wicka-wicka-burn.
Ugh!
God, this is, like,
the fifteenth time my dad
has sent me a friend request.
I'm just gonna hit "accept."
No, no, no.
No, no, no, no,
don't do it, Robin.
You don't want to see
what's behind that door.
What are you talking about?
He's talking about
my mom's 2,000-word review
of Fifty Shades of Grey.
And 14 of those words
were "vulva."
You're gonna get endless
requests to play some game
that has something to do
with gangsters and farming.
Never mind the embarrassing
cheerleading photos
from high school.
Begged my mom to burn those.
Robin,
trust me, no good can come from
accepting that friend request.
Yeah, I-I think I may have given
you guys the wrong impression.
Okay, my dad
is actually not
that bad of a guy.
Do it, Barney.
Squeeze that trigger.
I don't want to do this.
Well, you think I wanted
to kill that bear?
Yeah, kind of.
Oh, yeah,
you're right.
I can't do this.
Oh.
What... what the hell is this?
Your dad is crazy!
He wanted me
to kill Fluffernutter!
I told you not
to give him a name!
Well, I did!
I gave him a name
and a backstory!
He comes from a magical
rabbit warren
underneath the old
rusty tractor.
He was the runt of the litter,
but he persevered.
He...
Oh, give me this.
Give it to me!
Dad,
is there, um,
something you want to tell me?
Well, in the early '80s,
I did some wet work for the CIA.
Yes, Daddy,
I remember the bedtime stories.
No, I'm, uh, talking
about your Facebook page?
It says you're married.
Well...
yes, uh, Carol and I were
in Key Largo
at a performance of the
recording artist James Buffett.
We're what are known
as Parrotheads.
And, uh,
well, one thing led
to the other, and, uh...
we got married.
You didn't want
to tell me about it?
I Facebooked it...
on Facebook.
Okay, you know what, Dad?
Since you obviously have
no interest in involving me
in your personal life,
I may as well tell you:
Barney and I are
already engaged.
That's right.
I'm behind you
on this, Robin.
Directly behind you.
Anyway, this is happening.
And since I wasn't invited
to your wedding,
you're not invited to mine.
Good-bye.
Oh, no!
Fluffernutter peed
all over my pants!
So, I just called up
that wedding band's road manager
to get the number
of the people who booked them
for the 25th,
so I could bribe them into
giving up the band.
You did what?
That is so dishonest!
No matter what happens next,
I think we can all agree,
you're in the wrong here,
Lily.
It's your number, Ted.
All right, you got me!
I put a non-refundable
deposit on that band
to keep Barney and Robin
from booking them.
And I would've
gotten away with it
if it wasn't a really stupid
and expensive plan.
Dude, why would you do that?
I don't see
what the big deal is.
The big deal is
Robin deserves better
than some crappy,
unreliable band!
Sure, bands seem cool
with their nice suits and
their well-rehearsed moves,
but let's be honest:
bands let you down.
They-They cheat, they deceive,
and God knows they've slept
with every girl
in New York City.
I just, I can't believe
Robin is going through
with marrying...
the idea of getting a band.
And that is, that's a perfectly
normal way to phrase that.
Okay, Ted, bar. Now.
Nice try.
You're gonna stick
me with that baby
so that you guys
can spend five minutes
sorting out
his love life,
followed by an hour
of you getting drunk
and pretending to be
in The Departed.
You know what?
I'm sorry, Lily, okay?
But I just need to know:
Are you a cop?
I'm not a cop!
Are you a cop?
I'm not a cop!
Uh-uh.
I got this.
Ted, you, me, upstairs.
Roof. Now.
What? It's January.
Move!
Let's cut the crap.
We're both freezing...
just say it
and we can go downstairs.
Say what?
Say how much you hate
that Robin and Barney
are getting married.
What? No. I...
I'm happy for them.
I-I encouraged Robin
to go after Barney.
I know... because you thought
you were okay letting her go.
But now that
she's really gone,
it hurts.
Kids, at that point in my life,
I'd been hurt
quite a few times already.
Today, we're gonna braid
friendship bracelets.
There is a very
simple explana... ah!
This one time,
I was playing tennis, and...
Ooh!
Oh, ow!
Ow!
Hey, Schmosby, remember
when you dookied
in your pants
down by the lake?
Unbelievable!
Do you love me?
No.
But when I saw
that text message,
and found out Robin
was engaged,
it was like:
Unbelievable!
No.
times a million.
I am happy for them.
Is all you'll let yourself
say out loud,
because if you said anything
to the contrary, well,
that would make you
the most awful person
on this rooftop.
So, I'm gonna give you an out.
And how are you gonna do that?
By saying something
that is even more awful.
Like what?
Sometimes I wish
I wasn't a mom.
Sometimes I want to pack a bag
and leave in the middle
of the night and not come back.
Robin shouldn't be with Barney,
she should be with me.
You serious?
I don't know.
I mean, I love
being a mom, and...
I love Marvin so much.
But...
but do you remember
when I wanted to be an artist?
Art was my whole life.
And-and now it's been months
since I've even
picked up a brush.
I-I spend the whole day
taking care of kids at my job,
and I come home
and it's more of the same.
It just...
It never lets up, it...
It's just really,
really hard, Ted.
Have you talked to Marshall
about how you feel?
Have you talked
to Robin about how you feel?
Fair enough.
I just think we have to accept
our lots in life,
and I have to be a mom to a...
a beautiful, wonderful...
if slightly constipated...
little boy, and...
you have to let
Robin and Barney get a band.
All right, let's see
what's in this dipey.
Nothing.
Absolutely nothing.
Hey.
Are you finally
giving Daddy a smile?
Oh!
Oh, God!
And, no, it wasn't confetti.
Oh!
Oh, God!
Please!
Holy confetti.
That night, Robin agreed
to meet her dad one more time.
Your Dad has something to say.
I'm sorry for getting married
without consulting you.
It was wrong of me.
There. Now, Robin...
I know that
no mere
apology will fix this.
And that is why
I've asked Carol for a divorce.
What?
She's heartbroken,
understandably.
Possibly suicidal.
I did not tell him...
But if that's
the price
for my daughter's love...
then I will gladly
let Carol pay it.
Was that not what you wanted?
You want to know what I want?
A normal dad. That's all.
I want you to give
this blond guy
permission to marry me.
Come to the wedding,
give me away,
smile in the pictures,
and then...
dance with me like a normal dad.
Is that too much to ask?
"Of course not.
"Oh, Robin, my darling girl,
"of course
I'll do all stuff.
"I love you
and I'm proud of you."
He didn't say that?
No.
Fine. One dance...
"Cheeseburger in Paradise."
And Carol's going to sing it.
Well, see you at the wedding.
But it's kind of amazing.
I mean, he's never apologized
to me in his life.
Barney made it happen.
He must really love me.
Well, he'd be crazy not to.
I'm really happy for you guys.
But I still think
you should get a DJ.
Ju-Ju..
For God's sakes, Ted.
Hear me out.
I made a pretty strong case
that night,
but in the end,
she didn't want a DJ.
She wanted a band.
And guess what happened.
That's right, the band cancelled
at the last minute,
just like I said they would.
The wedding is in a week,
and no bands.
When will people realize
I always know what's what?
He says to the lesbian
he dated for a month.
That's a fair point.
Anyway, you guys
wouldn't, uh, happen to know
of any good wedding bands
available at the last minute,
would you?
Ted, do you believe
in destiny?
You really don't know me,
do you?
We just had brunch
with my ex-roommate.
The bass player?
No, she's not
just a bass player.
She's a bass player
in the best wedding band
in the tri-state area.
They had a gig lined up
for this weekend,
but it just fell through
this morning.
You, my friend, are
gonna save that wedding.
Do you know any DJs?
Dude, come on.
Let it go, bro.
Just let it go.
All right, all right.
All right.
Well, I guess, uh...
Guess it's a lucky thing
I ran into you guys.
And, kids, "lucky" doesn't
even begin to describe it.
Because if Barney and Robin
had taken my stupid advice
and hired a DJ...
I never would have
met your mother.