Kids, sometimes when
you're about to give up
on your love life forever
for the 17th time,
destiny intervenes.
Instead of rushing in,
I took my time
to think up the perfect
opening line.
Wait, no, damn it,
come back! You're really...
You're pretty!
And before I could call
out after her,
in any kind of embarrassing way
that a bunch of teenagers made
fun of for the next five stops
while I stared straight ahead
and pretended not to hear them,
she was gone.
But here's the thing
about Ted Mosby:
he doesn't give up.
Stalker Ted alert.
Repeat, Stalker
Ted alert.
Already has a yellow
legal pad going.
Repeat, already has
a yellow legal pad going.
I'm not stalking.
I just jotted down
a few details
to help me find her.
Uh, like the fact
that her smile was cute,
but a bit crooked,
which can be a sign
of teeth grinding.
So I called up
the city's
top five TMJ specialists,
and here's where it
gets interesting.
Not interesting,
Ted, creepy.
Let her go.
No, this is destiny.
No, Ted,
this is forcing it.
When Lily and I met,
I mean, that was destiny.
She could've knocked
on any door
to find someone
to fix her stereo,
but she knocked on mine.
Now hand over
the pad.
Ted...
And the backup pad.
They were right.
You can't force destiny.
If it's gonna happen,
it's gonna happen.
And funny story, kids...
Oh, my God.
It's you.
it happened.
Subway Girl's
name is Jeanette,
and she does grind her teeth.
I assume that started
the moment she met you?
Uh, well,
the fact is
she wanted to find me.
The first
thing I did
was list out all the details
I remembered about you.
Is... is that
a yellow legal pad?
Yeah.
I've even got a backup.
Oh, my God.
You had a tweed blazer
and chalk all over your hands,
so I figured you were
either a professor
or a British gymnast.
I'm bloody
good on the pommel 'orse.
Regrettin' this accent.
Can't seem to stop.
So then I asked the lady
at the student center
where I could find
the youngest,
cutest professor on staff.
And...?
She sent me to a physics class.
Professor Leyborne?
I wonder if she'd think
Dr. Goodhair was so cute
if she knew he hasn't been
published in over a year?
Then she sent me here,
but the security guard
wouldn't let me in
without an ID.
I was about to give up
when the fire alarm
just sent you out.
It was like...
Destiny.
Right? Right?
It's a meet-cute.
It's a stalk-crazy.
Look...
there's a fine line
between love and insanity.
It's...
the Dobler-Dahmer theory.
Oh, no...
Damn, I always forget
the little one.
All right.
If both people are
into each other,
a big romantic gesture works.
Like Lloyd Dobler holding
up the boom box
outside Diane Court's window
in Say Anything.
But if
one person
isn't into the other,
the same gesture comes off
serial-killer crazy,
or Dahmer.
Now, Marshall, the story of
how you asked out Lily
is super sweet.
I will-y.
Dobler.
But if Lily wasn't into you?
Dahmer.
Whether a gesture's
charming or alarming
depends on how it's received.
And I was charmed
by Jeanette finding me,
hence... she's a Dobler.
Don't you think
it's a little convenient
how that fire alarm happened
to randomly go off?
What are you saying?
Ted, does she have
enormous cans?
No.
Then what
we're saying is
she's a crazy stalker bitch
who pulled that fire alarm
and you should
run screaming.
You know what?
I-I don't think
that we should be so cavalier
with the word "stalker."
Why does that word
bother you so much?
Doesn't bother me.
Wait... do you
have a stalker?
I don't want to talk
about this.
What do you mean?
As your fiancé,
if you have
some psycho stalker out
there, I should know.
It was me.
I was a stalker.
It was back
in Canada.
I liked a guy
and he didn't
like me, and...
well, I got
a little obsessed.
I'd fill up my journals
all about him,
and eventually
there may have been
a teensy-weensy
50-meter restraining order.
50 meters?
That's like...
four years.
Wow.
You must have been
a total nutbag.
I wasn't.
Ted is right,
there is
a fine line.
Anyone can cross it
and get obsessed.
Yeah, if you're
a total nutbag.
Now, uh...
who's the guy?
I'm not telling you
until you admit
that this can happen to anybody.
I'm not admitting that.
Fine. Forget it.
I'm not telling you.
Fine. Forgotten.
"You are so beautiful.
"Why can't you see me?
"Someday, I'll make you see me
"and we'll be together.
"P.S. I love you.
P.S. I love you.
"P.S. I love you.
P.S. I love you.
P.S. I love you, you, you."
This is "ridikilus."
Who cares who she
was obsessed with?
What, am I gonna go to Canada
and track this guy down?
Thankfully,
unlike Uncle Barney,
I wasn't the kind of guy
to fixate on
one little detail.
That fire alarm...
did you pull it?
Ugh...
This is embarrassing.
I wasn't gonna tell you this,
but...
I'd come so far,
only to be sent packing
by that security guard,
and... well...
I'm sorry.
I just couldn't stand the idea
of not meeting you.
Could not
stand the idea
of not meeting me.
Was it a little
over the top to pull
that fire alarm? Perhaps.
But it charmed me.
Hence... Dobler.
Aha! You see?
People don't put fire alarms
out in front lobbies
for just anyone to prank pull.
They put smoke detectors
up on the ceiling.
Hold on.
I'm beginning to think
that you guys didn't come here
to see my new lectern.
Are you implying
Jeanette started a fire?
Dahmer.
Dobler.
She's John Cusack,
I'm Ione Skye,
and there is nothing
weird about that.
Gordie Bellavoh.
Thanks again for
the free donuts, eh?
So, you up here
visiting family?
No. I'm not Canadian.
Not even a quarter Canadian
on my father's side.
Shut up.
We're not talking "aboot" me...
about me. Whoa.
How long did you and Robin date?
Well, it wasn't
really dating.
We'd take a sixer of Labatts
behind the hydro plant
and she'd let me go under
her parka over turtleneck.
Summer love.
Was Robin obsessed with you?
No.
Robin was way more into
this guy named...
Turk Grimsby.
I hear Robin
was obsessed with you?
No. We only went out
a few times,
barely knew each other.
All we talked about
was her relationship
with her mother,
the gnawing feelings
of inadequacy,
all the horrible secrets
on that side of the family.
But heck, you're her fiancé.
You know all that, right?
Yeah.
Robin was
way more into this other guy.
Can't seem to remember his name.
Though sometimes
a powdered jelly
can help get
the old noodle going.
Ah...
His name's...
Simon Tremblay.
I should have known.
Eh.
Thanks for the free donuts.
They're just donuts!
Okay? They're like
two for a loonie... dollar.
What's happening?
Oh, somebody moosed down
all the jellies.
Have you been hanging
out with Turk Grimsby?
So how serious
were you and Robin?
Well, serious enough
to pop the question.
Wow. Really?
Yeah, sure.
Got down on one goalie pad,
I said, "Robin,
could we keep dating but I get
to stick it to other babes?"
Turned me down.
I'm so sorry.
Oh, that's okay.
I really wanted to stick it
to Louise Marsh.
Still, as the years pass,
and you take stock of your life,
part of me wishes I could've
kept sticking it to Robin, too.
So are you the one
that Robin stalked?
Oh, that story goes back
to the 1996 Grey Cup.
What in God's name is that?
Only Canada's Super Bowl.
Didn't you ever see
Robin Sparkles:
Underneath the Tunes
on MuchMusic?
Again, I have to go with:
what in God's name is that?
It's only Canada's
VH1 Behind the Music.
There's one all about
Robin Sparkles.
Tells you the whole story
from "A" to zed.
Are you gonna
take your...?
Kids, relationships
are built on trust.
So unlike Uncle Barney,
I wasn't gonna keep
digging and digging...
Did you start a fire?
Ugh...
This is embarrassing.
I wasn't gonna tell you this,
but...
I'd come so far,
only to be sent packing
by that security guard,
and... well...
I'm sorry.
I just couldn't stand the idea
of not meeting you.
Could not
stand the idea
of not meeting me.
She set a fire, Ted!
Dahmer.
You're just jealous 'cause Lily
never burned anything for you.
Clearly you never
tried her pot roast.
I actually brought this
for something totally different,
but it worked out, right?
Okay, anyway,
here's my thing.
Ladies and gentlemen,
I have in my back pocket
the answer to the question
"Who was Robin obsessed with?"
Hang on tight.
It's Robin Sparkles 4, y'all!
With her jelly bracelets,
graffiti coat,
and totally rad robot, no one
symbolized the 1990s
in Canada like Robin Sparkles.
But as we'd all learn one
heartbreaking Grey Cup Sunday,
Canada's sweetheart
had a dark side.
I'll never forget that moment.
A little piece of Canada
died that day.
To see her
throw her life away like that...
it was heartbreaking.
I am so happy right now.
I want to see her throw
her life away so badly.
Yeah.
We're all terrible people...
turn it up.
Sparkles' hit records...
both went maple with "Mall"
eventually going double maple.
I never admitted this till now,
but before a big game,
I'd listen to
"Sand Castles in the Sand"
and get a good cry on.
I'm not ashamed.
But after endless touring,
Robin started to crack.
Who doesn't love the mall?
Shopping with
your friends and...
I can't do this.
Get this out of my face, please.
Thank you, pardon me,
thanks, sorry.
Even when Canadians are mean,
they're polite.
Her record producer
Chuck "Chuck" Gerusi.
Robin Sparkles was big.
Gino Vannelli big,
who I discovered by the way.
Robin's next song,
"P.S. I Love You," was so dark
Dominant Records refused
to release it.
Few have ever seen
the long-lost music video,
but we found it.
This is the most
1990s music video
of all time.
All it needs
is a shirtless old man
in black and white
for no reason.
That's got to feel good.
In 1996, we booked the halftime
show for the Grey Cup.
Huge gig.
We're talking Ivor Wynne Stadium
in Hamilton,
just outside of Guelph.
It doesn't get any bigger
than that.
Hello, Canada.
I'm Robin Sparkles.
Oh.
Actually...
I was Robin Sparkles.
The whole stadium went silent.
Right then, I knew something
terrible was gonna happen.
My stomach started churning.
But Robin Sparkles is dead.
All I could hear was Paul
Shaffer's stomach growling.
Stress goes to my stomach...
sue me.
It was kind of disgusting.
I'm sorry, Jason Priestley,
I didn't realize
you were the Queen of England.
My new name is...
Robin Daggers!
Two, three, four!
That day is now
known in music history
as the day grunge was born.
In 1996, in Canada?
That seems right, Trebek.
Give him a break,
he's not a music guy.
That day is now known
in music history
as the day that grunge was born.
Well, that's a bummer.
It was tragic.
I mean, to this day,
you ask any Canadian
where they were
when Robin Sparkles lost it,
not only can they tell you
which Tim Hortons they were in,
but what donut they were eating.
Me? Wawa, Ontario.
Blueberry fritter.
Halifax, Nova Scotia.
Walnut crunch.
Victoriaville, Quebec.
Sour cream plain.
Sudbury, Ontario.
Honey dip.
Red Deer, Alberta.
Chocolate glaze.
Squamish, British Columbia.
Crammed a Timbit
into a strawberry vanilla
and invented The Priestley.
Should've been
the best day of my life.
It was horrifying
on so many levels.
Actually, you know what?
I'm sorry, I can't...
I just can't talk about this.
I'm out of here, okay?
I'm out of here.
Here, excuse me.
I'm sorry, will you take...
No, no, don't move, I'm out...
Sorry, sorry.
Speculation began immediately.
Who was Robin Sparkles
singing about
with those angry,
obsessive lyrics?
Many names were suggested.
It wasn't me.
Wasn't me.
It wasn't me.
Why does everyone always think
it's me?
I wish it was me.
But one name comes up
more than any other.
Alan Thicke.
How can I help you?
Donut?
Whoa!
Whoa. What
happened to you?
We watched Robin Sparkles:
Underneath the Tunes today.
Wait, what?
You guys get
MuchMusic down here?
And that video lead me to...
I am engaged
to Robin Scherbatsky,
and I know that she wrote
"P.S. I Love You" for you.
Now-now, why is she
so obsessed with you?
What? That song's
not about me.
Then who is it "aboot"... about.
Damn it.
I don't know.
I always thought
it was Coulier.
It wasn't me.
Stop asking.
Geez, cut it out.
I always liked that joke.
Alan Thicke kicked your ass.
He lied, didn't he?
It was Alan Thicke!
Wow.
It sounds like you've become
a bit obsessed, huh, Barney?
I am not obsessed.
All I did was break
into your apartment
and read your teenage journals,
and fly to Vancouver to
interrogate your ex-boyfriends,
and fight beloved
Canadian actor Alan Thicke
to a draw.
Ow, ow, ow,
ow, ow, ow!
So,
ready to admit it?
Anyone can get obsessed.
Thank you.
And now, I am ready to tell you
who "P.S. I Love You" is about.
Who?
"P.S."
Paul Shaffer.
Paul Shaffer?
I know, so stereotypical.
Every young Canadian girl
fantasizes
about being with Paul Shaffer.
At the Grey Cup gig, Paul was
sitting in the front row.
No wonder his stomach
was growling.
I feel bad that I scared Paul.
He's amazing.
But I have no regrets.
I was done being Robin Sparkles.
You're not
gonna go get
beat up by Paul Shaffer now,
are you?
I can't believe it.
I'm a total Dahmer.
Yeah, but you're my Dahmer,
which makes you a Dobler.
Just like Jeanette.
No, Ted,
what that woman did to run in
to you was bonkers.
That's just not how you start
a healthy relationship.
Tell him, Lil.
I can't stand
it anymore.
I've been living a lie.
See?
I saw you at orientation
and I needed an excuse
to meet you,
so...
Ah!
I didn't know which room
you were in,
so I had to create
a little destiny.
Okay.
I'm sorry, I just
couldn't stand the idea
of not meeting you.
Could...
not stand the idea
of not meeting me.
I'm sorry, Ted.
You were right.
Jeanette's a Dobler.
So are you.
Thanks, buddy.
You know, if you
hadn't been reading
the exact same book as me,
we never would've met.
I mean, that's destiny.
Oh, look.
You bought it in the
same bookstore I did.
On the same day.
Within ten minutes
of me buying mine.
Ugh...
Uh, this is embarrassing.
I wasn't gonna tell you this,
but I followed you
to that bookstore.
I just couldn't stand
the idea of not meeting you.
You followed me
to the bookstore from where?
How long have you
been following me?
Uh, this is embarrassing.
Uh, remember when you were on
the cover of New York Magazine?
That was like a year
and a half ago.
Yeah.
Before a man meets
the woman he'll marry,
he'll make one final,
horrible mistake.
For me, that was Jeanette.
Move on.