Thanks.
That's weird.
I have a message.
That's weird.
You still have
an answering machine.
Ted, this is the Captain.
Please call me back
at your earliest convenience.
Oh, crap.
Kids, you remember the Captain.
He was one of the richest men
in New York,
and when I met him,
he was married to Zoey,
who I ended up... befriending.
Oh, man, he seems pissed.
Does he?
Yes. Listen.
Ted, this is the Captain.
Please call me back
at your earliest convenience.
Oh, I hear it now.
What? I don't know.
Listen again.
Ted, this is the Captain.
Please call me back
at your earliest convenience.
He sounds pissed.
Yeah, and I think
I know why.
It has to do
with the last time I saw him.
It was, um... it was, like,
a year and a half ago.
Oh, boy, that was a crazy story.
Oh, boy, yeah.
I remember.
You weren't there.
Ted, bubbeleh.
If you have a crazy story,
I was there.
That's just a law
of the universe.
So what happened?
Well, it was a few weeks
after Zoey and I broke up,
and I was on the rebound,
and I kind of rekindled things
with that girl, Becky.
Becky?
Boats, boats, boats.
Boats, boats, boats!
Boats!
What's this
a commercial for again?
I can't quite...
Boats, boats, boats!
Oh, get a room, you two.
You weren't there.
I was, too.
All right, you were there?
Tell me the story.
I like the way you tell it.
Please, I insist.
Okay, we'll tell it together.
Okay.
Lily...
had invited us...
to an art...
Garfunkel concert.
gallery opening.
An Art Garfunkel
gallery opening concert.
Go on, Ted.
You're doing great.
Anyway,
I get to the gallery...
This place is so fancy.
I hope I don't embarrass myself.
What? Lily, come on.
You got nothing
to be embarrassed about.
Dude, look who it is.
And who should walk in but...
Daddy's home.
Nope.
Well, well, Ted Mosby,
my old nemesis.
What are you doing here?
Um, well, uh,
Lily saw an ad for this...
Gallery?
So we... we came
to check out the...
Artwork.
And then we ran into...
Me.
Man, this guy's so rude.
I mean, I get why he's mad.
I did stick it
to his ex-wife... repeatedly.
Still, he's being a jerk.
Someone needs
to bring him down a peg.
I'm sorry. Where are my...
Manners.
That's how that feels.
This is my art
consultant.
Shelly.
Art consultant? What's that?
Oh, Shelly helps the Captain
select artwork
based on its aesthetic appeal
and value
as an investment.
That's why I think
she's gonna love
this elephant painting.
I think this artist
is going places.
Well, I should go.
Captain, we'll
talk tomorrow?
At ease.
Hey, if you like art,
you should see the painting
I just acquired.
It's in my apartment
just upstairs.
It's gonna blow you away.
Anyone with this kind
of ashtray money
probably has an island
where he hunts people.
Probably somewhere
in the Caribbean.
I bet there's good snorkeling.
Hello, my darling,
my one true love, my everything.
So, who wants to see
that painting?
Okay, Captain, we know why
you brought us up here.
It's, uh...
it's about me and Zoey.
Ted,
if you've got something
to say,
say it.
A harpoon gun?
A double-barreled
harpoon gun.
One barrel.
With a scope.
No scope.
I know you're upset, Captain,
but I promise you
nothing happened
between me and Zoey
until after you guys
split up, okay?
So let's...
Let's please,
just-just-just put this down.
Okay? Okay,
oh, there we go.
Look, Ted,
I'm not mad at you.
The truth is
I'm in love
with somebody else now,
so we're fine.
Just don't steal this one
from me, too, okay?
Okay?
Of course.
I promise.
Okay.
But that got me thinking.
Who was this new
lady in his life?
I-I had this weird
sinking feeling.
We both did.
I had to see that picture.
So I waited until everyone
was out of the room, and then...
Boats, boats, boats!
No.
No...!
She's "boats, boats, boats,"
and he's the Captain.
That's sweet;
I'm happy for those two.
Ted, you suck.
Oh, my God, oh, my God.
It's him, it's him.
What do I do?
Ted, wait a second.
What do I do?
Wait a second.
Wait a second!
Hey, is there any chance
that he is calling
to invite the three of
us out on his boat?
Uh, I don't know,
maybe like one percent.
Ted's phone. Hold for Ted.
Hello.
Ted, I'm gonna
ask you something,
and I want you
to be completely honest.
What's your friend
Robin's number?
What?
Ted, ask about the boat.
Uh, Captain, can...
can I put you on hold?
Affirmative.
He wants Robin's number.
Should I give it to him?
Is he trying to hook up
with my fiancÃ©e?
No, uh-uh.
The only way that's happening
is if I get to hook up
with someone, too.
Wait a second... No.
Unless... Absolutely not.
However... Forget it.
On the other hand... Ixnay!
Guys, guys,
I got to make a decision here.
Okay, you know
what, I say do it.
If it is a booty call,
then Robin will just
let him down easy,
but in the meantime, Ted is back
on the Captain's good side.
We all get to go out on his
boat; I get to steer it.
Everybody wins.
Okay.
Fine. Give him her number.
You don't think she'll mind?
I don't think she'll mind.
You gave the Captain my number?
She minds.
Do you not remember that night
we hung out with him
at the art show?
Oh, right, of course
you don't remember
because,
earlier that night,
you shared a big,
fat sandwich with Becky.
Boats, boats, boats!
What's this
a commercial for again?
Yeah, so?
I hardly think that
changes the story.
Mmm. Mmm.
Delicious!
This place is so fancy.
I hope I don't embarrass myself.
Oh, come on, Lily.
You got nothing
to be embarrassed about.
Dude, look who's here.
Daddy's home.
Nope.
Well, well.
Ted Mosby, my old nemesis.
What are you doing here?
Well, Lily...
saw an ad for this...
Gallery.
So we thought we'd, um...
come and check out the...
Artwork?
And then we ran into...
Me?
And the Captain
wasn't glaring at you.
He couldn't take
his eyes off...
Hey, nice to see you again.
Yeah, you, too.
Oh.
Man, this guy is so rude.
I mean, I get
why he's upset.
I did stick it
to his ex-wife... repeatedly.
Still,
the guy's being a jerk.
Someone needs
to take him down a peg.
Sorry.
Where are my manners?
This is Shelly,
my art consultant.
Art consultant?
What's that?
Shelly helps the Captain
select artwork
based on aesthetic...
Manners!
That's how that feels.
appeal
and value
as an investment,
and that's why I think
she's gonna love
this elephant painting.
I think this artist
is going places.
Well, I should go.
Captain, we'll
talk tomorrow.
If you like art,
you should see the painting
I just acquired.
It's gonna blow you away.
Snorkeling.
Then, after I saved you
from destroying
a priceless crystal ashtray...
You're welcome.
Hello, my darling,
my one true love, my everything.
Ahoy?
So who wants to see
that painting?
Okay, Captain.
We all know why
you brought us up here.
This is about me and, um...
Zoey.
All right, Ted.
If you've got something to say,
say it.
Whoa, whoa.
A remote control?
A remote control.
Let's relax.
I-I know you're upset, Captain.
I-I just...
I want to assure you
nothing happened
between me and Zoey
until after you
guys had split up.
So let's just...
let's just...
let's put this down.
Okay, okay.
There we go.
Ted, I'm not mad at you.
Truth is, I'm in love
with somebody else now.
So he invited me back
to his bedroom
to show me
this painting, and...
Finally.
We're alone.
Robin, no, I don't want
to picture that.
Nothing happened.
Aw, that means
hand stuff.
What?
No.
I'm serious...
he was on the rebound.
I told him to take some time
to pull himself together and...
call me in a year
and a half.
Ah, great.
What if he asks you out?
What does that mean
for our relationship?
What, are we planning to be
in some super-enlightened,
forward-thinking marriage,
where we don't get hung
up on the suffocating
and outdated principles
of monogamy,
and instead enjoy
the company of
multiple partners,
sometimes bringing said
partners into our marital bed,
but just girls, not dudes,
except maybe one time just
to see what that's like?
I mean, is that
what you want?
No.
Okay.
Me, neither!
Okay, Robin, look,
you-you need to call the Captain
and let him down easy, okay?
Let him move on
with his life.
Let him go out on his boat
with his old friends,
maybe some new friends.
Maybe let one of those
new friends steer the boat.
Just so that one
of them could say,
"Iceberg straight ahead!"
Fine.
Ahoy.
Hi. Captain, it's Robin.
Ahoy.
Uh, look,
I, uh, have to be
upfront with you.
I'm engaged.
Engaged? I thought you
were married to Marshall.
This is Robin, right?
The redheaded
kindergarten teacher
who wore the gray dress
and the blue shoes
to that art show?
Can you please
hold a moment?
Dropping anchor.
He's looking for Lily.
Should I give him
her number?
Yeah. We've already
discussed it.
It's $4 million cash.
Oh, her phone number.
Yes, I don't think
she'll mind.
You gave the Captain my number?
She minds.
It finally happened.
My past finally caught up
with me.
Oh, God.
Lily, if you tell me that you
slept with the Captain
for anything under 2.8,
which we agreed was as low
as we were going to go...
No, it's nothing like that.
Do you guys remember the
last time we saw the Captain?
Yes.
Oh, right.
Of course you don't.
Barney, you weren't there.
Ted, you had just floated out
of a Snoop Dogg B-side.
And, Robin,
you had just come from that
big meeting that ran long.
Delicious. Shrimpy for me.
This place
is so fancy.
I hope I don't
embarrass myself.
Come on, Lily, you have nothing
to be embarrassed about.
Dude!
Look who's here!
Daddy's...
Nope.
Well, well.
Ted Mosby, my old nemesis.
Hello, sailor.
No!
No, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no.
Okay, yeah,
that's what happened.
This is Shelly,
my art consultant.
Art consultant!
What's that?
Shelly helps the Captain
select artwork
based on its aesthetic appeal
and its value
as an investment,
which is why I think
she's gonna love
this elephant painting.
I think this artist
is going places.
You'd have to be a real Dumbo
not to enjoy this painting.
Get it?
'Cause he's an elephant?
Your sense of humor is as
good as your taste in art.
Captain?
We'll talk tomorrow?
If you like art,
you should see the painting
I just acquired.
It's in my...
Manners.
That's how that feels.
In my apartment right upstairs.
It's gonna blow you away.
Snorkeling.
Then, after I saved you
from destroying
a priceless crystal ashtray...
You're welcome.
Hello, my darling,
my one true love, my everything.
So, who wants
to see that painting?
Ooh, if you
show me yours,
I'll show you mine.
So we check out the painting.
Huh. You know,
that elephant painting
would look nice in here.
You're looking at a masterpiece,
and you're talking
about some elephant painting?
No...!
Oh, this one's nice, too.
I just like
the elephant painting better.
You know, it doesn't matter
what you like.
You're just
a kindergarten teacher.
Ah, finally we're alone.
Oh, no, Lily, what did you do?
He was a jerk...
he deserved to have
that precious painting stolen.
Oh, God, Lily, you didn't...?
Of course I didn't.
I stole this ashtray instead.
Lily!
Hey, you know the rules.
You misbehave, I take away
one of your toys.
Aldrin Justice, baby.
So you're telling me
that that ashtray
that's been in our apartment
for over a year and a half
is not only stolen,
but also very expensive.
Both of those things... yes.
Guys, can you leave us alone
for a minute, please?
Ooh, they're gonna do it.
No, we're gonna fight.
And then maybe afterwards
we'll do it.
I can't believe
that was the same ashtray.
I should've recognized it.
I know... me, too.
Barney, you weren't there.
Why is it so important that
you be part of this story?
Because crazy stories
are my thing.
You have architecture,
Marshall has the law,
Lily has art,
Robin has pleasing
me sexually.
You all have a passion
that drives you.
Well, if I have a passion,
it's taking life
and turning it into a
series of crazy stories.
If you can do that
without me, then...
I don't even know
who I am anymore.
You know what, Barney?
Now that I think about it,
you were there.
That's right, you were.
I was?
Yeah.
I mean, I know I was.
That's what I'm
saying, guys.
We just, uh... we just didn't
realize it because...
you were in disguise.
Yeah, you were doing, uh,
one of your plays
from the playbook.
On Shelly, the art consultant.
Yes, it was, uh, some play
that had to do with art...
The Royal Archduke
of Grand Fenwick?
A simple play
you can do
using two everyday
household objects...
a Prussian
military costume
and an oil painting
of yourself?
That's the one,
and it worked on Shelly.
I totally nailed her!
And then I nailed her sister
who was even hotter.
Good times.
You are gonna return that
ashtray, and you're gonna pray
that he doesn't press charges,
because I can't be
in a marriage where
one of us is in prison.
I know that we role-play
conjugal visits a lot,
but I can't do that
for realsies.
I'm sorry...
all rulings are final.
I am not taking it back.
Oh, my God!
Lily,
what is the big deal?
Okay, so what?
So he said you're just
a kindergarten teacher.
Why do you let that bother you?
Because he was right.
I am just
a kindergarten teacher.
And, yes,
I have a degree
in art history and I was meant
to do something with it,
but I didn't.
Somewhere along
the line,
I forgot to pursue
my dream, and...
and now I'm old and I'm a mom
and it's just too late for me.
Lily, okay, okay.
It's too late.
No, no, no,
it's not too...
it's not too late.
You're gonna quit
your job tomorrow,
and you're gonna...
you're gonna go back and pick up
right where you left off
with that art stuff.
And then you know what?
I'm gonna find Shelly, and I'm
gonna punch her in the face.
I am... I'm gonna
punch a girl...
and run away.
Look.
I promise you,
your best
and your most exciting days
are all ahead of you.
I love you so much
for saying that,
but there gets to be
a point in life
where that just
stops being true.
I'm sorry I stole this.
I'll return it
first thing tomorrow.
And so the next day,
Lily returned
to the Captain's apartment.
Well, how about that.
I didn't even realize
it was gone.
No harm done.
Wait, if you weren't calling
about the ashtray,
then why'd you want to see me?
Follow me.
Oh, my gosh.
Yep, that night,
I ducked back down
into the gallery and bought it.
Shelly didn't stop you?
Shelly was off with some
archduke she met at the party.
No, I just... well,
I liked what you said
about how you just liked it.
I still do.
Me, too.
Anyway, I just sold
it for $4 million.
What?
In the year and a half
since I bought this piece,
the artist has turned into
a huge star in the art world.
The next Basquiat,
they're saying.
And nobody saw it coming
except you.
So I've decided to give you
half my earnings from the sale.
I'm just kidding.
I'm not giving you
two million bucks.
I mean, I could.
Easily... it wouldn't even
make a dent for me.
But trust me,
the tax code being what it is,
you do not want
to be rich right now.
So here's what I'm thinking.
I want to get back
in the art game,
and I need a new art consultant.
Wait, are you offering me a job?
If you want it.
What do you say?
And she said yes.
Guys, it was amazing!
You should have been there.
Barney!
You were not there.
Let her tell
her story.
Guys!
You were not there.
What did you say, baby?
I said yes.
Ha! Told you!
How would I know that
she was going to say...?
The Royal Archduke
Of Grand Fenwick