1 00:00:05,832 --> 00:00:07,688 This is the life. 2 00:00:07,689 --> 00:00:09,052 We got the three B's. 3 00:00:09,053 --> 00:00:11,904 Beach, booze and bodacious babes. 4 00:00:11,906 --> 00:00:13,439 I don't know. 5 00:00:13,441 --> 00:00:15,441 I'm starting to think we should call the police. 6 00:00:15,443 --> 00:00:17,109 Oh, would you relax? 7 00:00:17,111 --> 00:00:18,643 We've got it made. 8 00:00:18,645 --> 00:00:20,746 One whole week at his bodacious beach house, 9 00:00:20,748 --> 00:00:23,098 no strings attached. 10 00:00:23,100 --> 00:00:26,085 Well, there is one string attached. 11 00:00:27,987 --> 00:00:29,905 Hi, Barney. 12 00:00:37,180 --> 00:00:40,099 Bodacious. 13 00:00:40,101 --> 00:00:41,800 "Weekend at Barney's!" 14 00:00:41,802 --> 00:00:43,135 What is it? What's wrong? 15 00:00:43,137 --> 00:00:45,554 The plays, Robin, the plays. 16 00:00:45,556 --> 00:00:48,056 The ingenious techniques I used as a bachelor 17 00:00:48,058 --> 00:00:49,775 to pick up busty dullards. 18 00:00:49,777 --> 00:00:52,060 They just keep coming to me; I can't turn them off. 19 00:00:52,062 --> 00:00:54,530 Okay, Barney, let me ease your mind, okay? 20 00:00:54,532 --> 00:00:56,064 All right, here we go. 21 00:00:56,066 --> 00:00:57,282 Remember when you set 22 00:00:57,284 --> 00:00:59,318 your Playbook on fire? 23 00:01:04,824 --> 00:01:08,127 That was the moment I realized you were someone I could marry. 24 00:01:08,129 --> 00:01:10,746 And I'd burn it again if I could. 25 00:01:10,748 --> 00:01:11,930 You're right. 26 00:01:11,932 --> 00:01:13,215 I'm done with all these plays. 27 00:01:13,217 --> 00:01:15,334 Besides, there's no way I'll ever come up 28 00:01:15,336 --> 00:01:18,003 with anything that tops "Weekend at Barney's." 29 00:01:24,844 --> 00:01:26,311 "Weekend at Barney's Two!" 30 00:01:26,313 --> 00:01:28,410 Damn it, Barney! 31 00:01:32,436 --> 00:01:37,436 == sync, corrected by elderman == 32 00:01:41,361 --> 00:01:43,245 So, there's this big 33 00:01:43,247 --> 00:01:44,896 gallery opening tonight. 34 00:01:44,898 --> 00:01:48,167 Oh, we'd love to, but we've got this, um... 35 00:01:48,169 --> 00:01:49,751 Genesis reunion, Madison Square Garden, 36 00:01:49,753 --> 00:01:50,902 front row. 37 00:01:50,904 --> 00:01:52,070 It's gonna be legend... 38 00:01:52,072 --> 00:01:53,172 I wasn't inviting you guys. 39 00:01:53,174 --> 00:01:56,091 Oh, thank God. There is no concert. 40 00:01:56,093 --> 00:01:57,742 As the captain's new art buyer, 41 00:01:57,744 --> 00:02:00,429 I have to go schmooze this up-and-coming artist, 42 00:02:00,431 --> 00:02:01,763 Strickland Stevens, 43 00:02:01,765 --> 00:02:04,349 so we get first dibs on all his new stuff. 44 00:02:04,351 --> 00:02:06,018 And I'll be helping Lily seal the deal 45 00:02:06,020 --> 00:02:07,752 by impressing the intelligentsia 46 00:02:07,754 --> 00:02:09,421 with some art-related hilarity. 47 00:02:09,423 --> 00:02:11,923 I've prepared some jokes. 48 00:02:11,925 --> 00:02:14,893 Why couldn't the art dealer pay his rent? 49 00:02:14,895 --> 00:02:15,944 I don't know. Why? 50 00:02:15,946 --> 00:02:17,262 This is gonna be rough. 51 00:02:17,264 --> 00:02:20,482 Because he ran out of Monet. 52 00:02:20,484 --> 00:02:21,567 You're gonna get that 53 00:02:21,569 --> 00:02:23,569 on the walk home. How about this one? 54 00:02:23,571 --> 00:02:25,487 You know what, we'd... we'd love to hear it, 55 00:02:25,489 --> 00:02:27,122 but we've got that, um... that... 56 00:02:27,124 --> 00:02:29,408 Steely Dan, Carnegie Hall, backstage pass. Let's go. 57 00:02:29,410 --> 00:02:31,401 We don't want to miss whatever their big song was. 58 00:02:31,426 --> 00:02:31,878 Yeah. 59 00:02:31,879 --> 00:02:34,779 Your wedding response card, as promised. 60 00:02:34,781 --> 00:02:37,249 Why didn't you just mail it like everybody else? 61 00:02:37,251 --> 00:02:39,568 Oh, see, that's sad, Robin. 62 00:02:39,570 --> 00:02:42,004 You should be touched that I hand-delivered it. 63 00:02:42,006 --> 00:02:46,391 Has social media so eroded our interpersonal relationships 64 00:02:46,393 --> 00:02:48,060 that we no longer wish to experience the... 65 00:02:48,062 --> 00:02:49,144 You wanted to keep the stamp? 66 00:02:49,146 --> 00:02:50,229 They're 46 cents now. 67 00:02:50,231 --> 00:02:51,263 It's getting out of hand. 68 00:02:51,265 --> 00:02:54,850 "Your invitation is joyfully accepted 69 00:02:54,852 --> 00:02:57,986 by Mr. Ted Mosby and Jeanette" 70 00:02:59,340 --> 00:03:00,772 Kids, as you'll recall, 71 00:03:00,774 --> 00:03:02,107 Jeanette was the last girl I dated 72 00:03:02,109 --> 00:03:03,158 before I met your mother. 73 00:03:03,160 --> 00:03:04,192 My friends only had 74 00:03:04,194 --> 00:03:05,477 one tiny problem with her. 75 00:03:07,447 --> 00:03:09,481 She was nuts. 76 00:03:10,450 --> 00:03:12,200 So you're bringing a plus one? 77 00:03:12,202 --> 00:03:13,919 If you count the voices in her head, 78 00:03:13,921 --> 00:03:15,370 it's plus five. 79 00:03:15,372 --> 00:03:17,055 Guys, I'm bringing her, 80 00:03:17,057 --> 00:03:18,957 and you're gonna love having her there. 81 00:03:18,959 --> 00:03:20,792 Oh, and, um, by the way, 82 00:03:20,794 --> 00:03:22,678 just so this doesn't turn into an argument later, 83 00:03:22,680 --> 00:03:23,845 the dress she's gonna wear 84 00:03:23,847 --> 00:03:25,367 isn't technically white; it's eggshell. 85 00:03:25,949 --> 00:03:27,933 The shoes are white, though. 86 00:03:28,551 --> 00:03:29,885 And the gloves. 87 00:03:29,887 --> 00:03:31,970 And the veil. Well, see you guys. 88 00:03:32,588 --> 00:03:34,406 No, no, no. Mosby! Get... 89 00:03:38,027 --> 00:03:39,811 Oh, my God, what happened? 90 00:03:39,813 --> 00:03:42,013 Oh, I trashed your apartment. 91 00:03:42,015 --> 00:03:43,231 See, I got bored, 92 00:03:43,233 --> 00:03:45,567 so I started going through all your e-mails. 93 00:03:45,569 --> 00:03:47,986 Sure. And I found one from a woman 94 00:03:47,988 --> 00:03:50,205 with the subject line, "big penis orgasms," 95 00:03:50,207 --> 00:03:52,207 so naturally, I smashed your plates, 96 00:03:52,209 --> 00:03:54,025 knifed your mattress, peed in your drawers, 97 00:03:54,027 --> 00:03:55,944 the whole nine, but then, 98 00:03:55,946 --> 00:03:58,029 while I was upper-decking your toilet, 99 00:03:58,031 --> 00:03:59,831 I actually read the e-mail. 100 00:03:59,833 --> 00:04:02,217 Turns out it was spam. 101 00:04:02,969 --> 00:04:04,670 Classic Jeanette, huh? 102 00:04:04,672 --> 00:04:06,471 Oh, my God. 103 00:04:06,473 --> 00:04:09,725 You are certifiably insane... 104 00:04:10,810 --> 00:04:12,144 about me. 105 00:04:12,146 --> 00:04:13,679 Come here, you knucklehead. 106 00:04:13,681 --> 00:04:14,980 I can't stay mad at you. 107 00:04:14,982 --> 00:04:16,548 Ted, Ted, I'm breaking up with you. 108 00:04:16,550 --> 00:04:17,566 You're just 109 00:04:17,568 --> 00:04:18,883 so intense, 110 00:04:18,885 --> 00:04:21,236 and it's all moving way too fast. 111 00:04:21,238 --> 00:04:22,487 Here's your key back. 112 00:04:23,389 --> 00:04:24,889 I never gave you a key. 113 00:04:24,891 --> 00:04:26,742 And here's your grandmother's ring. 114 00:04:26,744 --> 00:04:29,194 She was buried wearing this. 115 00:04:29,196 --> 00:04:31,079 And just like that, 116 00:04:31,081 --> 00:04:32,481 it was over. 117 00:04:33,549 --> 00:04:34,583 I texted Barney and Robin. 118 00:04:34,585 --> 00:04:35,734 I'm sure they're over the moon 119 00:04:35,736 --> 00:04:36,868 that Jeanette's not coming to the wedding. 120 00:04:36,870 --> 00:04:39,504 Oh, no, Ted, no. 121 00:04:39,506 --> 00:04:42,541 They're not gonna be happy about you being sad. 122 00:04:42,543 --> 00:04:44,009 They broke up! 123 00:04:45,912 --> 00:04:47,512 Ted, respectfully, 124 00:04:47,514 --> 00:04:50,182 are you sure that this was the right girl for you? 125 00:04:50,184 --> 00:04:51,466 Of course not. 126 00:04:51,468 --> 00:04:52,968 She was crazy. 127 00:04:52,970 --> 00:04:54,803 Absolutely a nightmare. 128 00:04:54,805 --> 00:04:56,254 It's totally not worth the trouble. 129 00:04:56,256 --> 00:04:58,089 I mean, no matter how... 130 00:04:58,091 --> 00:05:00,776 no matter how great the sex was. 131 00:05:00,778 --> 00:05:02,878 Uh-oh. Stay with us, buddy. 132 00:05:02,880 --> 00:05:05,564 No matter how hot and passionate 133 00:05:05,566 --> 00:05:07,866 and surprising, 134 00:05:07,868 --> 00:05:09,568 possibly illegal... 135 00:05:09,570 --> 00:05:11,670 I don't like this. Me, neither. 136 00:05:11,672 --> 00:05:13,705 I'm gonna win her back. 137 00:05:15,459 --> 00:05:18,210 Barney and Robin are gonna be so happy I'm happy. 138 00:05:18,212 --> 00:05:20,162 I know. 139 00:05:20,164 --> 00:05:22,748 I know. 140 00:05:22,750 --> 00:05:25,550 Did you just unhook my bra? 141 00:05:25,552 --> 00:05:27,919 Shh. There, there. 142 00:05:27,921 --> 00:05:30,288 That night was the big gallery show. 143 00:05:30,290 --> 00:05:32,140 Hey. I'm so sorry. 144 00:05:32,142 --> 00:05:34,064 I decided to grab a snack from the bodega. 145 00:05:34,089 --> 00:05:34,727 Why? 146 00:05:34,728 --> 00:05:35,927 They'll have food at the gallery. 147 00:05:35,929 --> 00:05:37,512 Oh, come on, these places never have food. 148 00:05:37,514 --> 00:05:38,597 It's fine. 149 00:05:38,599 --> 00:05:40,131 I got some Skittles. 150 00:05:40,133 --> 00:05:43,485 That was the last bag of Skittles 151 00:05:43,487 --> 00:05:45,821 your Uncle Marshall would ever buy. 152 00:05:45,823 --> 00:05:49,024 Meanwhile, I headed over to Jeanette's place 153 00:05:49,026 --> 00:05:51,276 to win her back. 154 00:05:57,650 --> 00:05:59,367 What the hell? 155 00:05:59,369 --> 00:06:00,869 I can't let you do this, Ted. 156 00:06:00,871 --> 00:06:02,654 I want Jeanette back. 157 00:06:02,656 --> 00:06:04,873 Well, then accept my apology. 158 00:06:04,875 --> 00:06:06,508 For what? 159 00:06:06,510 --> 00:06:08,376 This. 160 00:06:12,978 --> 00:06:16,060 Ow, ow, ow! Damn it! You're strong. 161 00:06:16,160 --> 00:06:17,693 That's just from Pilates? 162 00:06:17,695 --> 00:06:19,061 Twice a week. 163 00:06:19,063 --> 00:06:21,697 Look, I don't want you getting back with Jeanette. 164 00:06:21,699 --> 00:06:24,283 Ted, what is my one rule? 165 00:06:24,285 --> 00:06:26,185 You can tell how old a girl is by her elbows? 166 00:06:26,187 --> 00:06:27,453 My other one rule. 167 00:06:27,455 --> 00:06:29,205 Flaxseed relieves upset stomach? 168 00:06:29,207 --> 00:06:30,405 My other one rule. 169 00:06:30,407 --> 00:06:31,790 Always have a fake pair of concert tickets 170 00:06:31,792 --> 00:06:33,809 in your pocket in case Lily invites you to something stupid? 171 00:06:33,811 --> 00:06:34,897 My other one rule. 172 00:06:34,922 --> 00:06:36,730 Lebanese girls sprint to third base and then stay there? 173 00:06:36,731 --> 00:06:38,731 My other one rule. New is always better. 174 00:06:38,733 --> 00:06:40,099 New is always better! 175 00:06:40,101 --> 00:06:41,600 Exactly, Ted. 176 00:06:41,602 --> 00:06:43,519 You want to invite a date to our wedding, 177 00:06:43,521 --> 00:06:45,054 it is not gonna be Jeanette. 178 00:06:45,056 --> 00:06:46,755 It is gonna be someone new. 179 00:06:46,757 --> 00:06:49,024 And I am gonna help you find her 180 00:06:49,026 --> 00:06:51,310 with a little help from... 181 00:06:52,262 --> 00:06:53,312 The Playbook. 182 00:06:53,314 --> 00:06:54,530 The Playbook? 183 00:06:54,532 --> 00:06:55,648 Didn't you burn that? 184 00:06:55,650 --> 00:06:57,483 Oh, I didn't burn the real one. 185 00:06:57,485 --> 00:06:59,902 That was the ceremonial playbook 186 00:06:59,904 --> 00:07:01,320 for parades, 187 00:07:01,322 --> 00:07:02,488 mall openings, 188 00:07:02,490 --> 00:07:03,906 inaugurations, stuff like that. 189 00:07:03,908 --> 00:07:05,874 That's a pretty big secret to keep from Robin. 190 00:07:05,876 --> 00:07:07,960 Which is exactly why I'm trusting you, 191 00:07:07,962 --> 00:07:10,296 my best bro, to never let her know 192 00:07:10,298 --> 00:07:12,164 that the Playbook still exists. 193 00:07:12,615 --> 00:07:14,449 Pinky swear? 194 00:07:15,285 --> 00:07:17,052 Fine. 195 00:07:17,054 --> 00:07:18,754 Wow. 196 00:07:20,724 --> 00:07:22,457 See, I told you. 197 00:07:22,459 --> 00:07:25,594 Thank God I snuck in this bag of goodness. 198 00:07:27,013 --> 00:07:29,565 There's Strickland Stevens. 199 00:07:29,567 --> 00:07:30,966 Wow. 200 00:07:30,968 --> 00:07:32,818 Even his scarf is up-and-coming. 201 00:07:32,820 --> 00:07:36,488 Are you gonna be okay by yourself for a few minutes? 202 00:07:36,490 --> 00:07:38,240 Yeah, of course. Why wouldn't I be? 203 00:07:38,242 --> 00:07:41,277 Well, you're sitting on an $80,000 sculpture. 204 00:07:41,279 --> 00:07:43,112 For 80 grand, 205 00:07:43,114 --> 00:07:44,997 you'd think it would be more comfortable. 206 00:07:44,999 --> 00:07:46,532 Lil, I'll be fine. 207 00:07:46,534 --> 00:07:48,667 Do you know who you're talking to? 208 00:07:48,669 --> 00:07:51,036 In high school, I was voted most outgoing 209 00:07:51,038 --> 00:07:53,289 freshman, sophomore and senior year. 210 00:07:53,291 --> 00:07:55,174 What happened junior year? 211 00:07:56,509 --> 00:07:58,327 Egdud Ferhaki, 212 00:07:58,329 --> 00:08:00,829 that outgoing son of a bitch. 213 00:08:00,831 --> 00:08:03,498 He beat you for most outgoing? 214 00:08:03,500 --> 00:08:05,634 Huh? Oh, no, we tied. 215 00:08:08,488 --> 00:08:11,006 Look, the point is, I can make friends anywhere, even here. 216 00:08:11,008 --> 00:08:13,359 Thanks, baby. You got it. 217 00:08:15,313 --> 00:08:17,112 Hey, excuse me. 218 00:08:17,114 --> 00:08:18,814 Listen. 219 00:08:18,816 --> 00:08:21,450 Do you think that you would enjoy a show 220 00:08:21,452 --> 00:08:25,404 featuring Donatello, Raphael, 221 00:08:25,406 --> 00:08:27,873 Michelangelo and Leonardo? 222 00:08:27,875 --> 00:08:28,907 Sound like you're a fan 223 00:08:28,909 --> 00:08:30,692 of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. 224 00:08:30,694 --> 00:08:31,994 Gotcha. Skin it. 225 00:08:36,833 --> 00:08:39,585 He will get that on the drive home. 226 00:08:39,587 --> 00:08:41,870 He didn't. 227 00:08:42,672 --> 00:08:44,506 Fireworks? Yeah. 228 00:08:44,508 --> 00:08:46,725 Everything in there is a prop we'll need for tonight. 229 00:08:53,266 --> 00:08:55,184 Everything. 230 00:08:55,186 --> 00:08:57,353 All right, here's how this is going down. 231 00:08:57,355 --> 00:09:00,072 You'll be wearing this earpiece and microphone. 232 00:09:00,074 --> 00:09:02,557 I'll be staked out here, telling you exactly what to say, 233 00:09:02,559 --> 00:09:05,027 so just stay focused and you'll be fine. 234 00:09:05,029 --> 00:09:07,363 Which play are we gonna run first? 235 00:09:07,365 --> 00:09:09,531 How about the "Weekend at Barney's"? 236 00:09:11,085 --> 00:09:12,701 Oh, Ted, your first day at the salon, 237 00:09:12,703 --> 00:09:14,586 and you want to do a cut and color? 238 00:09:14,588 --> 00:09:15,871 No. 239 00:09:15,873 --> 00:09:18,040 Tonight we're gonna start off with... 240 00:09:19,442 --> 00:09:21,543 Ice Man to Neruda. 241 00:09:21,545 --> 00:09:23,462 Ice Man to Neruda. 242 00:09:23,464 --> 00:09:24,713 Bogey at 10:00, 243 00:09:24,715 --> 00:09:26,098 and she is packing two fully-operational 244 00:09:26,100 --> 00:09:27,633 sweater stretchers. 245 00:09:27,635 --> 00:09:30,752 That's bravo, Oscar, Oscar, bravo, Sierra. 246 00:09:30,754 --> 00:09:32,421 Possible delta cups. 247 00:09:32,423 --> 00:09:34,807 Copy that. Engaging target. 248 00:09:34,809 --> 00:09:36,392 Over. 249 00:09:36,394 --> 00:09:37,893 Excuse me, I have a delivery for Lisa. 250 00:09:37,895 --> 00:09:40,362 Excuse me, I have a delivery for Lisa. 251 00:09:40,364 --> 00:09:42,481 Are you Lisa? Are you Lisa? 252 00:09:42,483 --> 00:09:43,765 Uh, no. 253 00:09:43,767 --> 00:09:45,067 But you must be. 254 00:09:45,069 --> 00:09:46,368 I was told to... 255 00:09:46,370 --> 00:09:49,605 deliver this package to a girl named Lisa, 256 00:09:49,607 --> 00:09:51,957 and that I'd recognize her because she'd be... 257 00:09:51,959 --> 00:09:54,159 The most beautiful girl in this bar. 258 00:09:54,161 --> 00:09:55,577 So, here's your delivery, 259 00:09:55,579 --> 00:09:56,712 Lisa. 260 00:09:56,714 --> 00:09:58,013 Uh, I am definitely not Lisa, 261 00:09:58,015 --> 00:10:02,117 but I would be happy to help you find her. 262 00:10:02,119 --> 00:10:04,920 Great, and then maybe later... 263 00:10:04,922 --> 00:10:08,290 I could give you a different package— my penis. 264 00:10:11,010 --> 00:10:12,644 That is a terrible line! 265 00:10:12,646 --> 00:10:13,896 You said it wrong. 266 00:10:13,898 --> 00:10:15,230 I did not say it wrong. 267 00:10:15,232 --> 00:10:16,465 My penis. 268 00:10:16,467 --> 00:10:18,000 No. My penis. 269 00:10:18,002 --> 00:10:20,936 Still not right. My penis, my penis, my penis! 270 00:10:22,856 --> 00:10:24,440 Hello. 271 00:10:26,443 --> 00:10:28,277 This sucks. 272 00:10:28,279 --> 00:10:29,644 I can't get near Strickland. 273 00:10:29,646 --> 00:10:31,313 At least Marshall's having a good time. 274 00:10:31,315 --> 00:10:35,083 Man, he always knows just the right thing to say. 275 00:10:35,085 --> 00:10:37,986 For a gay guy, Andy Warhol sure liked cans. 276 00:10:40,590 --> 00:10:41,957 This sucks. 277 00:10:41,959 --> 00:10:43,675 Maybe I've lost my charm. 278 00:10:43,677 --> 00:10:45,344 No, Marshall, 279 00:10:45,346 --> 00:10:47,513 if Lily's gonna make it in this fancy art world, 280 00:10:47,515 --> 00:10:49,882 you're gonna have to make it, too, so suck it up, 281 00:10:49,884 --> 00:10:51,683 stop sitting on the art, 282 00:10:51,685 --> 00:10:54,186 and bust out the "A" material. 283 00:10:57,891 --> 00:11:00,526 You two keep chugging like that, 284 00:11:00,528 --> 00:11:01,676 you're gonna have to 285 00:11:01,678 --> 00:11:03,896 Vincent van go to the bathroom, am I right? 286 00:11:03,898 --> 00:11:06,114 It's pronounced van Gogh. 287 00:11:07,734 --> 00:11:10,536 Oh, "blogh" me. 288 00:11:11,938 --> 00:11:14,273 I still don't get why someone would leave the hospital 289 00:11:14,275 --> 00:11:16,208 without changing into their clothes first. Over. 290 00:11:16,210 --> 00:11:17,543 Ted, this is my thing. 291 00:11:17,545 --> 00:11:19,461 So just... okay? 292 00:11:19,463 --> 00:11:20,462 Over. 293 00:11:20,464 --> 00:11:22,881 Okay? Over. 294 00:11:24,834 --> 00:11:26,001 Are you all right? 295 00:11:26,003 --> 00:11:27,486 What? Oh. 296 00:11:27,488 --> 00:11:30,122 Yes, yes, I'm fine. 297 00:11:30,124 --> 00:11:31,924 Tomorrow, I'm... 298 00:11:31,926 --> 00:11:34,693 donating a kidney to my best friend. 299 00:11:34,695 --> 00:11:37,029 My best friend Barney. 300 00:11:37,031 --> 00:11:38,397 Not Marshall. 301 00:11:38,399 --> 00:11:40,032 Barney. 302 00:11:40,034 --> 00:11:41,533 Marshall's so lame. 303 00:11:42,969 --> 00:11:44,136 Anyway, uh... 304 00:11:44,138 --> 00:11:46,605 just wanted to grab one last drink, in case... 305 00:11:46,607 --> 00:11:49,141 you know, I don't make it. 306 00:11:49,143 --> 00:11:50,592 You are so brave. 307 00:11:50,594 --> 00:11:52,127 Hey, listen. 308 00:11:52,129 --> 00:11:55,264 Before I give my best friend this organ, how about... 309 00:11:56,533 --> 00:11:57,766 Nope. 310 00:11:57,768 --> 00:11:59,368 Nope, I'm not saying that. 311 00:12:00,203 --> 00:12:01,253 I did hear you, 312 00:12:01,255 --> 00:12:03,222 but I'm not saying that. 313 00:12:03,224 --> 00:12:04,423 Because I'm not. 314 00:12:04,425 --> 00:12:05,674 Are you okay? 315 00:12:05,676 --> 00:12:08,393 One second. I know you put a lot of work into this. 316 00:12:08,395 --> 00:12:09,595 I understand that. 317 00:12:10,396 --> 00:12:11,597 I understand that. 318 00:12:12,398 --> 00:12:13,599 I understand that. 319 00:12:15,668 --> 00:12:16,868 I understand that. 320 00:12:16,870 --> 00:12:18,220 Why can't I just talk to her? 321 00:12:18,222 --> 00:12:19,871 Maybe we'll hit it off... 322 00:12:22,343 --> 00:12:23,809 Fine. 323 00:12:23,811 --> 00:12:25,510 Copy that. 324 00:12:28,649 --> 00:12:31,984 How about I give you a different organ? 325 00:12:33,119 --> 00:12:34,786 My penis. 326 00:12:38,408 --> 00:12:40,292 You said it wrong. 327 00:12:40,294 --> 00:12:41,977 I did not say it wrong! 328 00:12:43,162 --> 00:12:45,247 Thank you all so much for coming. 329 00:12:45,249 --> 00:12:46,598 If you'll indulge me, 330 00:12:46,600 --> 00:12:48,133 I would like to share a story 331 00:12:48,135 --> 00:12:50,285 about my dearly departed grandmother. 332 00:12:50,287 --> 00:12:51,470 Oh, God. 333 00:12:51,472 --> 00:12:53,472 News flash, Johnny Ascot: 334 00:12:53,474 --> 00:12:55,591 Lots of people have dead grandmas. 335 00:12:55,593 --> 00:12:56,958 No, Marshall. 336 00:12:56,960 --> 00:12:58,793 Don't be bitter. 337 00:12:58,795 --> 00:13:00,295 You're here for Lily. 338 00:13:00,297 --> 00:13:02,347 Just look at her, so professional. 339 00:13:02,349 --> 00:13:05,517 She hasn't sat on a single piece of art. 340 00:13:05,519 --> 00:13:08,687 You're gonna ride this thing out with dignity for Lily. 341 00:13:08,689 --> 00:13:11,473 Not one more thing that might embarrass her. 342 00:13:11,475 --> 00:13:14,693 I will simply stand here. 343 00:13:14,695 --> 00:13:18,146 Perfectly invisible. 344 00:13:18,148 --> 00:13:19,581 And so I dedicate this show 345 00:13:19,583 --> 00:13:21,700 to my grandmother's memory. 346 00:13:21,702 --> 00:13:23,652 Now... 347 00:13:23,654 --> 00:13:26,321 please join me in honoring her 348 00:13:26,323 --> 00:13:30,792 with 60 seconds of absolute silence. 349 00:14:02,241 --> 00:14:05,344 Okay, Neruda, this play is 350 00:14:05,346 --> 00:14:06,828 extremely complicated. 351 00:14:06,830 --> 00:14:08,246 Let me guess. Does it involve me 352 00:14:08,248 --> 00:14:10,332 saying "my penis" in a Scottish accent? 353 00:14:10,334 --> 00:14:12,300 Now you're gettin' it, laddie! 354 00:14:13,670 --> 00:14:14,720 Hey! 355 00:14:14,722 --> 00:14:16,171 Robin. What are you doing here? 356 00:14:16,173 --> 00:14:17,472 I was curious as to whether 357 00:14:17,474 --> 00:14:19,174 you found Ted a date to our wedding 358 00:14:19,176 --> 00:14:21,309 who was a little less, you know, Antichrist-y. 359 00:14:24,764 --> 00:14:26,548 Is that the Playbook? 360 00:14:26,550 --> 00:14:31,720 No, Robin, that is a couch. 361 00:14:39,562 --> 00:14:41,863 Oh, you mean the Playbook on the couch? 362 00:14:41,865 --> 00:14:42,864 I can explain. 363 00:14:42,866 --> 00:14:43,898 Don't bother. 364 00:14:43,900 --> 00:14:45,917 I can ex... Uh, Ted? Uh... 365 00:14:45,919 --> 00:14:47,619 I got to step away from mission control for a sec. 366 00:14:47,621 --> 00:14:49,571 Don't do anything stupid while I'm gone. 367 00:14:49,573 --> 00:14:51,239 Robin... 368 00:15:04,008 --> 00:15:05,792 Robin, wait. 369 00:15:06,719 --> 00:15:08,418 Um... shoot. I haven't figured out 370 00:15:08,420 --> 00:15:10,554 what I'm gonna say yet. Keep going. 371 00:15:12,424 --> 00:15:13,941 Robin, wait. 372 00:15:15,276 --> 00:15:17,728 Look, I'm sorry that I still have the Playbook. 373 00:15:17,730 --> 00:15:20,230 It's just, it's filled with a lifetime of great ideas. 374 00:15:20,232 --> 00:15:22,316 Am I supposed to just leave all that behind? 375 00:15:22,318 --> 00:15:24,568 Yes. But... 376 00:15:24,570 --> 00:15:26,820 "Weekend at Barney's"! 377 00:15:26,822 --> 00:15:27,988 Okay, what is that? 378 00:15:27,990 --> 00:15:30,290 Explain the "Weekend at Barney's" to me. 379 00:15:30,292 --> 00:15:31,291 What's to explain? 380 00:15:31,293 --> 00:15:32,409 I play a dead guy, 381 00:15:32,411 --> 00:15:33,944 and Ted and Marshall carry me around. 382 00:15:33,946 --> 00:15:35,996 Okay. And based on that, girls want to sleep with you. 383 00:15:35,998 --> 00:15:37,464 Big time. But you're dead. 384 00:15:37,466 --> 00:15:39,633 Yeah. Except not really, obviously. 385 00:15:39,635 --> 00:15:41,051 But the girl thinks you're dead. 386 00:15:41,053 --> 00:15:42,053 No, she thinks I'm alive. 387 00:15:42,054 --> 00:15:43,170 Which you are. Exactly. 388 00:15:43,172 --> 00:15:44,922 Except you're dead. Exactly. 389 00:15:44,924 --> 00:15:46,623 Except you're alive. Exactly. 390 00:15:46,625 --> 00:15:49,309 Okay, so instead of... of being an alive person 391 00:15:49,311 --> 00:15:51,178 pretending to be a dead person 392 00:15:51,180 --> 00:15:52,730 pretending to be an alive person, 393 00:15:52,732 --> 00:15:55,315 why not just be an alive person? 394 00:15:56,217 --> 00:15:58,736 Okay, let's start from the beginning. 395 00:15:58,738 --> 00:16:02,856 The movie is called Weekend at Bernie's. 396 00:16:02,858 --> 00:16:05,642 My name is Barney. 397 00:16:07,028 --> 00:16:08,829 I'm so sorry, sweetie. 398 00:16:08,831 --> 00:16:10,197 I don't know if you heard, 399 00:16:10,199 --> 00:16:11,532 but I dropped some Skittles. 400 00:16:11,534 --> 00:16:12,616 Do you know what, I'm just gonna 401 00:16:12,618 --> 00:16:13,917 go home before I make things worse. 402 00:16:13,919 --> 00:16:15,586 You're not going anywhere. 403 00:16:15,588 --> 00:16:16,754 We're a team. 404 00:16:16,756 --> 00:16:17,704 You stuck by me 405 00:16:17,706 --> 00:16:19,540 after my nip slip 406 00:16:19,542 --> 00:16:21,175 at your law school graduation. 407 00:16:21,177 --> 00:16:24,428 And after my nip slip at the GNB Christmas party. 408 00:16:24,430 --> 00:16:25,846 And after my nip slip 409 00:16:25,848 --> 00:16:28,182 at the Honeywell and Coots Family Fun Day. 410 00:16:28,184 --> 00:16:30,300 I don't know why you keep wearing that top. 411 00:16:30,302 --> 00:16:31,935 All right, I'll stay put, 412 00:16:31,937 --> 00:16:33,303 but I'm keeping my mouth shut. 413 00:16:33,305 --> 00:16:36,390 No more jokes, no more candy, 414 00:16:36,392 --> 00:16:38,442 no more Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. 415 00:16:38,444 --> 00:16:40,177 Hey, are you guys talking Ninja Turtles? 416 00:16:40,895 --> 00:16:42,646 I'm a huge TMNT fan. 417 00:16:42,648 --> 00:16:44,314 I grew up on those comic books. 418 00:16:44,316 --> 00:16:46,650 Me, too! I was obsessed. 419 00:16:46,652 --> 00:16:48,735 Did you know that the original comic debuted 420 00:16:48,737 --> 00:16:51,071 in 1984 at a convention in New Hampshire? 421 00:16:51,073 --> 00:16:52,522 Uh, yes. 422 00:16:52,524 --> 00:16:54,691 Did you know that Eastman and Laird always had their doubts 423 00:16:54,693 --> 00:16:56,126 about their characters being commercialized? 424 00:16:56,128 --> 00:16:57,327 Yes! 425 00:16:57,329 --> 00:16:59,129 Did you know that the painting on the back wall 426 00:16:59,131 --> 00:17:00,631 is inspired by Master Splinter? 427 00:17:01,583 --> 00:17:04,134 Oh, the one of the rat doing karate. 428 00:17:04,136 --> 00:17:06,086 I see it now. 429 00:17:06,088 --> 00:17:07,254 Hey, I'm Strickland. 430 00:17:07,256 --> 00:17:08,705 Hey. Marshall. 431 00:17:08,707 --> 00:17:11,592 And this is my wife, Lily, who, as a matter of fact, 432 00:17:11,594 --> 00:17:13,727 happens to represent one of the biggest art collectors 433 00:17:13,729 --> 00:17:14,812 in New York City. 434 00:17:14,814 --> 00:17:16,096 I love your work. 435 00:17:16,098 --> 00:17:18,715 It's great to see you getting some recognition. 436 00:17:18,717 --> 00:17:20,550 Thank you. It's been a long haul. 437 00:17:20,552 --> 00:17:22,519 The first painting I ever sold, 438 00:17:22,521 --> 00:17:25,606 I used the money to get my car fixed. 439 00:17:25,608 --> 00:17:27,274 You might say... 440 00:17:27,276 --> 00:17:30,227 I used it to make my van go. 441 00:17:30,229 --> 00:17:31,528 That's... 442 00:17:33,415 --> 00:17:36,500 Um, a little something called rigor mortis? 443 00:17:36,502 --> 00:17:37,901 Oh, come on. 444 00:17:37,903 --> 00:17:39,903 Are you really this mad about a book? 445 00:17:39,905 --> 00:17:43,073 You really think that this is just about a book, Barney? 446 00:17:43,875 --> 00:17:44,791 You lied to me. 447 00:17:44,793 --> 00:17:46,243 If we're gonna be in a marriage 448 00:17:46,245 --> 00:17:48,712 and trust each other, you can't lie to me ever. 449 00:17:48,714 --> 00:17:49,796 Really? 450 00:17:49,798 --> 00:17:51,248 Well, that's just great. 451 00:17:51,250 --> 00:17:54,384 Because, in case you haven't noticed these last eight years, 452 00:17:54,386 --> 00:17:56,520 lying is what I do best. 453 00:17:58,273 --> 00:17:59,589 I'm a magician, Robin. 454 00:17:59,591 --> 00:18:03,760 Misdirection and deceit are my stock in trade. 455 00:18:03,762 --> 00:18:05,512 You don't want me to lie to you? 456 00:18:05,514 --> 00:18:08,232 Lies are the reason that we're together. 457 00:18:08,234 --> 00:18:10,100 Everything single thing I did 458 00:18:10,102 --> 00:18:12,369 to get you to say yes to me on that rooftop— 459 00:18:12,371 --> 00:18:14,705 Patrice, the false engagement, everything— 460 00:18:14,707 --> 00:18:16,957 it was all utter malarkey. 461 00:18:16,959 --> 00:18:18,041 But... 462 00:18:18,043 --> 00:18:20,127 underneath all of those lies 463 00:18:20,129 --> 00:18:22,329 is one true thing. 464 00:18:22,331 --> 00:18:25,332 One true thing that can support the weight 465 00:18:25,334 --> 00:18:28,418 of all the lies in the world, and... 466 00:18:28,420 --> 00:18:30,420 and that's the fact that I love you. 467 00:18:30,422 --> 00:18:31,738 And you know 468 00:18:31,740 --> 00:18:33,307 that when I say that... 469 00:18:33,309 --> 00:18:34,808 I am not lying. 470 00:18:44,635 --> 00:18:45,819 Wha... 471 00:18:56,497 --> 00:18:57,998 Did you just unhook my bra again? 472 00:18:59,251 --> 00:19:00,350 Jeanette, 473 00:19:00,352 --> 00:19:01,618 this is great. 474 00:19:01,620 --> 00:19:02,986 We're back together. 475 00:19:02,988 --> 00:19:05,672 You're coming to Barney and Robin's wedding. 476 00:19:05,674 --> 00:19:08,625 I found two wine glasses you didn't smash. 477 00:19:08,627 --> 00:19:10,677 Call me crazy, but I've got a feeling, 478 00:19:10,679 --> 00:19:13,430 from here on out, it's gonna be nothing but blue skies and... 479 00:19:13,432 --> 00:19:14,381 What... 480 00:19:14,383 --> 00:19:15,832 the hell... 481 00:19:15,834 --> 00:19:17,551 is this? 482 00:19:20,055 --> 00:19:21,188 Uh-oh. 483 00:19:21,190 --> 00:19:22,856 Check out this text from Ted. 484 00:19:28,296 --> 00:19:29,496 Oh, my... 485 00:19:29,498 --> 00:19:31,365 What the hell happened here? 486 00:19:31,367 --> 00:19:33,533 Jeanette and I had a little spat. 487 00:19:35,621 --> 00:19:37,120 Would anyone like some wine? 488 00:19:37,122 --> 00:19:38,655 It's a nice Côtes du Rhne. 489 00:19:38,657 --> 00:19:40,157 Still needs to breathe a bit. 490 00:19:40,159 --> 00:19:42,626 You know what? I got a decanter upstairs, so... 491 00:19:43,694 --> 00:19:46,363 We should just drink it now. 492 00:19:46,365 --> 00:19:47,631 And for 493 00:19:47,633 --> 00:19:48,832 the grand finale, 494 00:19:48,834 --> 00:19:50,367 I found your fireworks. 495 00:19:50,369 --> 00:19:52,502 Let's see what they do to your precious Playbook! 496 00:19:52,504 --> 00:19:53,703 No! 497 00:19:53,705 --> 00:19:54,805 Jeanette, please, 498 00:19:54,807 --> 00:19:56,490 that's Barney's life's work! 499 00:19:56,492 --> 00:19:57,874 It's fine, Ted. 500 00:19:59,060 --> 00:20:00,394 Blow it up, Jeanette. 501 00:20:37,265 --> 00:20:39,099 Okay. 502 00:20:39,101 --> 00:20:41,601 No more dating. 503 00:20:41,603 --> 00:20:43,470 I'm ready to settle down. 504 00:20:43,472 --> 00:20:44,888 And, kids... 505 00:20:44,890 --> 00:20:46,306 for the first time in my life, 506 00:20:46,308 --> 00:20:47,808 I really meant it. 507 00:20:47,810 --> 00:20:48,758 Oh! 508 00:20:48,760 --> 00:20:50,811 Oh... The boots... 509 00:20:53,532 --> 00:20:58,532 == sync, corrected by elderman ==