1
00:00:01,477 --> 00:00:03,169
In the spring of 2013,

2
00:00:03,269 --> 00:00:04,735
Barney and Robin were
just weeks away

3
00:00:04,737 --> 00:00:05,953
from tying the knot.

4
00:00:05,955 --> 00:00:07,455
But there were still some
pretty big issues

5
00:00:07,457 --> 00:00:08,472
they hadn't agreed on.

6
00:00:08,474 --> 00:00:10,474
Adoption.

7
00:00:10,476 --> 00:00:11,626
I don't know.

8
00:00:11,628 --> 00:00:13,628
It's the only thing
that makes sense.

9
00:00:13,630 --> 00:00:14,629
I can't... I can't believe

10
00:00:14,631 --> 00:00:16,163
you're not open to it.

11
00:00:16,165 --> 00:00:18,416
Okay. Let's try it.

12
00:00:19,468 --> 00:00:22,136
Nope, it doesn't
work with 27 down.

13
00:00:23,505 --> 00:00:25,789
Hey, with the wedding so close,

14
00:00:25,791 --> 00:00:27,508
maybe we should talk about

15
00:00:27,510 --> 00:00:28,926
where we're going to live.

16
00:00:28,928 --> 00:00:30,261
Fine, enough.

17
00:00:30,263 --> 00:00:31,295
Stop begging.

18
00:00:31,297 --> 00:00:32,296
We'll live here.

19
00:00:32,298 --> 00:00:33,314
But you owe me.

20
00:00:33,316 --> 00:00:34,682
Yeah, I don't know...

21
00:00:34,684 --> 00:00:35,850
there's just a lot of things

22
00:00:35,852 --> 00:00:38,135
I don't totally love
about your apartment.

23
00:00:38,137 --> 00:00:39,487
Like what?

24
00:00:39,489 --> 00:00:41,472
Well, for example, why is

25
00:00:41,474 --> 00:00:44,275
your bed on what
look like train tracks?

26
00:00:45,278 --> 00:00:48,529
You were wonderful.

27
00:00:48,531 --> 00:00:52,149
Well, you don't get to be a
state-certified orgasmologist

28
00:00:52,151 --> 00:00:53,817
without learning
how to please a woman.

29
00:00:53,819 --> 00:00:56,120
You don't mind if I
spend the night, do you?

30
00:00:56,122 --> 00:00:58,089
Um, how else are we gonna

31
00:00:58,091 --> 00:01:00,124
get to know each other
on a deeper level?

32
00:01:00,825 --> 00:01:02,126
Excuse me, I just have

33
00:01:02,128 --> 00:01:04,679
to log tonight's orgasms
with the licensing board.

34
00:01:19,194 --> 00:01:21,562
The Ho-be-gone Sleep System

35
00:01:21,564 --> 00:01:23,698
by Stinson,
patent pending.

36
00:01:23,700 --> 00:01:26,317
What-what is on the
other side of the wall?

37
00:01:26,319 --> 00:01:27,518
Where do
the hos go?

38
00:01:27,520 --> 00:01:29,987
What am I, a contractor?

39
00:01:29,989 --> 00:01:32,907
We-we need to go
into this marriage

40
00:01:32,909 --> 00:01:34,909
with a fresh start.

41
00:01:34,911 --> 00:01:38,329
What do you say we
find a new place together?

42
00:01:38,331 --> 00:01:40,047
I love you.

43
00:01:40,049 --> 00:01:41,582
And if that will
make you happy,

44
00:01:41,584 --> 00:01:43,501
then let's do it.

45
00:01:46,588 --> 00:01:48,506
Wow, so we need to
find an apartment

46
00:01:48,508 --> 00:01:50,708
where I haven't
banged someone?

47
00:01:50,710 --> 00:01:52,282
How do you feel about
Cleveland?

48
00:01:52,307 --> 00:01:53,127
Ha, ha.

49
00:01:53,227 --> 00:01:54,713
Nope. Ted's mom.

50
00:01:59,217 --> 00:02:04,217
== sync, corrected by elderman ==

51
00:02:08,276 --> 00:02:11,028
Shh...

52
00:02:13,581 --> 00:02:16,116
Nice job filling in for
Lily on Marvin's lullaby.

53
00:02:16,118 --> 00:02:18,902
Thanks, but I came in
early on the horsie.

54
00:02:18,904 --> 00:02:20,170
Stupid!

55
00:02:20,172 --> 00:02:24,158
No, you really nailed
all of Lily's parts.

56
00:02:24,160 --> 00:02:26,677
It's been three
weeks since I have.

57
00:02:26,679 --> 00:02:29,763
I barely see her anymore
'cause of this new job.

58
00:02:30,965 --> 00:02:32,167
Well, you know what
might cheer you up?

59
00:02:32,192 --> 00:02:33,017
Hmm?

60
00:02:33,018 --> 00:02:36,270
There's a new Woodworthy
Manor on tonight.

61
00:02:36,272 --> 00:02:37,654
Woodworthy Manor

62
00:02:37,656 --> 00:02:39,156
was a show about an upper class
English estate

63
00:02:39,158 --> 00:02:41,825
at the beginning
of the 20th century.

64
00:02:41,827 --> 00:02:44,061
My word!
You can't possibly mean...

65
00:02:44,063 --> 00:02:45,262
But I do!

66
00:02:45,264 --> 00:02:46,647
With the succession
of Lady Eastbrooke

67
00:02:46,649 --> 00:02:48,365
to Viscountess of Marlyemead,

68
00:02:48,367 --> 00:02:50,100
our cousin Baldrick becomes...

69
00:02:50,102 --> 00:02:52,169
the Earl of Witherstead.
The Earl of Witherstead!

70
00:02:52,171 --> 00:02:55,605
I only posted that prediction
15 times on the forums!

71
00:02:55,607 --> 00:02:56,874
No, I can't.

72
00:02:56,876 --> 00:02:59,126
I promised Lily that I would
wait and watch it with her.

73
00:02:59,128 --> 00:03:01,128
Problem is,
the Captain.

74
00:03:01,130 --> 00:03:03,881
Lily had just started
a job as the art consultant

75
00:03:03,883 --> 00:03:06,116
for an eccentric billionaire,
the Captain.

76
00:03:07,286 --> 00:03:09,619
Oh.

77
00:03:09,621 --> 00:03:10,754
Ahoy.

78
00:03:10,756 --> 00:03:12,339
There's a hot new artist
in Red Hook.

79
00:03:12,341 --> 00:03:13,390
He's molded

80
00:03:13,392 --> 00:03:15,225
world currency into a sculpture

81
00:03:15,227 --> 00:03:17,010
of a soulless plutocrat

82
00:03:17,012 --> 00:03:18,345
defecating on the poor.

83
00:03:18,347 --> 00:03:20,314
A scathing indictment
of capitalism.

84
00:03:20,316 --> 00:03:21,765
I'll go as high as $200K

85
00:03:21,767 --> 00:03:23,984
as long as you think I can flip
it for double in six months.

86
00:03:23,986 --> 00:03:25,102
Aye, aye, Cap'n.

87
00:03:25,104 --> 00:03:26,436
Sorry.

88
00:03:33,161 --> 00:03:34,361
Ahoy.

89
00:03:34,363 --> 00:03:36,313
here's this
gorgeously delicate

90
00:03:36,315 --> 00:03:37,581
impressionist still life,

91
00:03:37,583 --> 00:03:39,416
reminiscent of
Monet's water lilies.

92
00:03:39,418 --> 00:03:40,200
Where is it?

93
00:03:40,202 --> 00:03:41,535
Rikers Island.

94
00:03:41,537 --> 00:03:43,987
The artist is serving
two consecutive life sentences

95
00:03:43,989 --> 00:03:45,289
for aggravated homicide.

96
00:03:45,291 --> 00:03:46,924
I'm willing to go as high as

97
00:03:46,926 --> 00:03:48,258
six cartons of cigarettes

98
00:03:48,260 --> 00:03:50,344
and a jug of toilet wine.

99
00:03:50,346 --> 00:03:51,511
Is it a strain,

100
00:03:51,513 --> 00:03:52,996
feeling like a
single dad at times?

101
00:03:52,998 --> 00:03:54,214
Sure, but
Lily's been

102
00:03:54,216 --> 00:03:55,766
busting her butt
at this new job.

103
00:03:55,768 --> 00:03:57,667
It's not like she's been
out there partying.

104
00:03:57,669 --> 00:03:59,102
Man, I'm 'faced.

105
00:03:59,104 --> 00:04:01,671
I ate a ton
of caviar,

106
00:04:01,673 --> 00:04:03,273
but it soaked up none
of the champagne.

107
00:04:03,275 --> 00:04:05,025
- Mondays, right?
- Yeah.

108
00:04:05,977 --> 00:04:07,611
When did you
get glasses?

109
00:04:07,613 --> 00:04:08,895
Oh...

110
00:04:08,897 --> 00:04:11,365
you mean my
glare reduction lunettes.

111
00:04:11,367 --> 00:04:13,367
Yeah.
They help me discern genius

112
00:04:13,369 --> 00:04:14,851
from pretentious crap.

113
00:04:14,853 --> 00:04:16,069
Too bad you weren't
wearing those glasses

114
00:04:16,071 --> 00:04:17,537
when you bought
those glasses.

115
00:04:18,489 --> 00:04:20,157
Well, listen,
baby, I-I'm just

116
00:04:20,159 --> 00:04:21,308
happy to see you.

117
00:04:21,310 --> 00:04:22,525
And if you're not too tired,

118
00:04:22,527 --> 00:04:25,379
maybe we could watch
Woodworthy Manor tonight.

119
00:04:25,381 --> 00:04:26,246
I'd love to.

120
00:04:26,248 --> 00:04:27,464
Great! Because I've come up

121
00:04:27,466 --> 00:04:29,082
with a fun little game.

122
00:04:29,084 --> 00:04:30,217
I made figgy pudding

123
00:04:30,219 --> 00:04:31,852
and I put it in shot glasses.

124
00:04:31,854 --> 00:04:33,370
And every time they say,

125
00:04:33,372 --> 00:04:35,505
"The dowager will be
less than pleased,"

126
00:04:35,507 --> 00:04:36,590
you have to...

127
00:04:36,592 --> 00:04:38,342
Oh.

128
00:04:38,344 --> 00:04:39,343
Ugh...

129
00:04:39,345 --> 00:04:40,644
Ahoy.

130
00:04:40,646 --> 00:04:42,679
A seven-foot-tall
cross-dressing Cambodian

131
00:04:42,681 --> 00:04:44,231
is throwing glitter
and fish guts

132
00:04:44,233 --> 00:04:45,599
at a billboard on the B.Q.E.

133
00:04:45,601 --> 00:04:48,101
So he's some sort of
conceptual painter?

134
00:04:48,103 --> 00:04:49,987
No, no, just a crazy person
on the local news.

135
00:04:49,989 --> 00:04:51,238
I thought you might
have a laugh.

136
00:04:51,240 --> 00:04:53,023
You're off the clock, relax.

137
00:04:54,492 --> 00:04:56,410
I must own it.

138
00:04:56,412 --> 00:04:58,862
Aye, aye, Cap'n.

139
00:05:00,415 --> 00:05:03,083
Hey, did you find a Realtor
to sell this place yet?

140
00:05:03,085 --> 00:05:05,585
Robin, a Realtor's
just gonna

141
00:05:05,587 --> 00:05:07,237
give it to the highest bidder.

142
00:05:07,239 --> 00:05:09,506
I need this place to go
to someone worthy.

143
00:05:09,508 --> 00:05:11,908
And I've made some inquiries.

144
00:05:14,663 --> 00:05:16,763
Barney?

145
00:05:16,765 --> 00:05:19,249
My son.

146
00:05:19,251 --> 00:05:21,968
Barney, enough
with the floating Jor-El head

147
00:05:21,970 --> 00:05:24,471
from the Fortress of Solitude in
Superman, okay?

148
00:05:24,473 --> 00:05:25,605
It's getting old.

149
00:05:25,607 --> 00:05:29,443
I only use it to say
really important stuff.

150
00:05:29,445 --> 00:05:31,061
Last time you used it to tell me

151
00:05:31,063 --> 00:05:34,031
Wendy's had introduced a spicy
version of "The Baconator."

152
00:05:34,033 --> 00:05:36,450
Exactly.

153
00:05:37,618 --> 00:05:39,602
And now, my son...

154
00:05:39,604 --> 00:05:42,739
it is time for me
to bestow on you...

155
00:05:42,741 --> 00:05:45,125
Can we just talk face-to-face
like normal people?

156
00:05:45,127 --> 00:05:47,127
Ted, just...

157
00:05:47,129 --> 00:05:48,445
just...

158
00:05:48,447 --> 00:05:50,797
okay?

159
00:05:50,799 --> 00:05:52,499
My son,

160
00:05:52,501 --> 00:05:55,785
it is time for me
to bestow on you...

161
00:05:59,123 --> 00:06:00,090
Close the door.

162
00:06:00,092 --> 00:06:01,058
No. This is...

163
00:06:01,060 --> 00:06:02,625
Oh, my God,
can you just be cool?

164
00:06:02,627 --> 00:06:04,294
Once? Please?

165
00:06:04,296 --> 00:06:05,812
Just once?

166
00:06:05,814 --> 00:06:07,981
Can you just once be cool?

167
00:06:07,983 --> 00:06:09,266
Once?

168
00:06:09,268 --> 00:06:10,967
Please?

169
00:06:16,457 --> 00:06:18,024
My son...

170
00:06:18,026 --> 00:06:19,409
for many years

171
00:06:19,411 --> 00:06:24,030
this apartment has been
my Fortress of Barnitude.

172
00:06:24,032 --> 00:06:26,166
But now the time has come

173
00:06:26,168 --> 00:06:27,784
for me to pass it on.

174
00:06:28,503 --> 00:06:31,488
Soon, this place will become

175
00:06:31,490 --> 00:06:34,824
your "Fortress of Soli-Ted."

176
00:06:34,826 --> 00:06:36,159
Barney,
I wouldn't

177
00:06:36,161 --> 00:06:38,628
live here even if you scrubbed
every inch of this place

178
00:06:38,630 --> 00:06:40,914
with Purell, amoxicillin
and holy water.

179
00:06:42,601 --> 00:06:43,967
Fine.

180
00:06:43,969 --> 00:06:45,835
But I think we can both agree,

181
00:06:45,837 --> 00:06:48,438
it would be totally awesome
to see my deal

182
00:06:48,440 --> 00:06:51,391
floating around all huge-like
on the big Jor-El cam.

183
00:06:51,393 --> 00:06:53,193
Hold on.

184
00:06:53,195 --> 00:06:56,062
Now, it's a little cold
here in the Fortress,

185
00:06:56,064 --> 00:06:57,063
so don't judge...

186
00:06:57,065 --> 00:06:58,181
Ted, wait.

187
00:06:58,183 --> 00:06:59,816
What did you...

188
00:06:59,818 --> 00:07:02,202
That's... okay,
that's not funny.

189
00:07:02,204 --> 00:07:03,203
Ted, open the...

190
00:07:03,205 --> 00:07:05,455
Uh... walls closing in.

191
00:07:05,457 --> 00:07:07,124
I can't... can't breathe.

192
00:07:08,710 --> 00:07:09,692
Must...

193
00:07:09,694 --> 00:07:11,795
show deal...

194
00:07:11,797 --> 00:07:13,747
on Jor-El cam...

195
00:07:13,749 --> 00:07:15,031
I...

196
00:07:16,485 --> 00:07:18,335
Oh, well, guess I'm keeping this
place forever, good night.

197
00:07:18,337 --> 00:07:20,036
Wait a... wait a
minute, that's it?

198
00:07:20,038 --> 00:07:21,922
Ted wasn't interested
in buying your apartment,

199
00:07:21,924 --> 00:07:23,590
so you just gave up?

200
00:07:23,592 --> 00:07:25,875
Barney, I
gave up my

201
00:07:25,877 --> 00:07:27,260
beautiful two-bedroom apartment

202
00:07:27,262 --> 00:07:29,146
on the Upper West Side
that was rent-free

203
00:07:29,148 --> 00:07:32,048
and the landlord hand-washed
all my delicates.

204
00:07:32,050 --> 00:07:34,351
Which is probably why
it was rent-free.

205
00:07:34,353 --> 00:07:35,936
The point is,

206
00:07:35,938 --> 00:07:37,387
I need to buy all new underwear,

207
00:07:37,389 --> 00:07:40,323
and you agreed that we would
find a new place together.

208
00:07:40,325 --> 00:07:41,558
Oh, God, Barney,

209
00:07:41,560 --> 00:07:44,561
relationships are about
trust and compromise.

210
00:07:44,563 --> 00:07:45,745
You can't just...

211
00:07:45,747 --> 00:07:47,030
Oh, you are so dead.

212
00:07:47,032 --> 00:07:48,582
If I ever figure
a way out of here,

213
00:07:48,584 --> 00:07:50,200
I will make your
life a living...

214
00:07:51,569 --> 00:07:53,403
Lily and I really
need this night out.

215
00:07:53,405 --> 00:07:55,422
A big fancy dinner
and the ballet.

216
00:07:55,424 --> 00:07:57,257
Thank you so much
for babysitting.

217
00:07:57,259 --> 00:07:59,426
Hey, three bucks an hour,
thank you.

218
00:08:03,414 --> 00:08:04,914
Oh, hey, baby.

219
00:08:04,916 --> 00:08:06,249
Yeah, I'm just on my way out.

220
00:08:06,251 --> 00:08:08,134
If you get there before...

221
00:08:08,136 --> 00:08:09,603
Come on, really?

222
00:08:10,921 --> 00:08:13,023
I'll see you later.

223
00:08:13,025 --> 00:08:14,875
Captain?

224
00:08:14,877 --> 00:08:16,226
I'm sorry, dude.
But, hey,

225
00:08:16,228 --> 00:08:17,444
look at it
this way:

226
00:08:17,446 --> 00:08:19,396
now you don't have
to go to the ballet.

227
00:08:19,398 --> 00:08:20,697
Get your head out
of your ass, Ted.

228
00:08:20,699 --> 00:08:22,199
There was
no ballet.

229
00:08:22,201 --> 00:08:24,121
We were gonna sneak into
your apartment and bang.

230
00:08:25,102 --> 00:08:26,703
Well, you know
what might

231
00:08:26,705 --> 00:08:28,738
take both our
minds off that?

232
00:08:28,740 --> 00:08:30,790
A little, uh...

233
00:08:30,792 --> 00:08:32,609
Woodworthy Manor.

234
00:08:34,462 --> 00:08:35,745
No, I-I-I can't.

235
00:08:35,747 --> 00:08:36,880
I-I promised Lily

236
00:08:36,882 --> 00:08:38,215
that I would wait
and watch it with her.

237
00:08:38,217 --> 00:08:39,749
And I feel like I'd
be cheating on her.

238
00:08:39,751 --> 00:08:41,885
Sure, sure, sure,
sure, I get all that.

239
00:08:41,887 --> 00:08:43,887
It's just, um...

240
00:08:43,889 --> 00:08:46,673
You know, tonight they're
gonna finally reveal

241
00:08:46,675 --> 00:08:48,808
who framed the
chimney sweep

242
00:08:48,810 --> 00:08:52,229
for stealing
Lord Stoutshire's gooseberries.

243
00:08:53,598 --> 00:08:54,764
And reveal
the winner of

244
00:08:54,766 --> 00:08:57,017
the local gardening
competition.

245
00:08:57,019 --> 00:08:58,318
I don't know how
they're going to pack

246
00:08:58,320 --> 00:09:00,186
all that action
into one episode.

247
00:09:06,245 --> 00:09:08,411
Oops.

248
00:09:10,147 --> 00:09:11,314
No, Ted,
you know

249
00:09:11,316 --> 00:09:13,750
I promised Lily, I...
Shh, shh, shh.

250
00:09:13,752 --> 00:09:15,752
Just let
it happen.

251
00:09:15,754 --> 00:09:18,171
Later that week,
Barney came home to discover

252
00:09:18,173 --> 00:09:21,007
that Robin had a little
surprise waiting for him.

253
00:09:22,993 --> 00:09:25,095
Wha...?

254
00:09:25,930 --> 00:09:28,098
Mimosas?
Mm-hmm.

255
00:09:28,100 --> 00:09:31,134
Freshly-baked cookie smell?

256
00:09:31,136 --> 00:09:33,670
A middle-aged woman
in a red blazer?

257
00:09:33,672 --> 00:09:36,005
I see what this is.

258
00:09:36,007 --> 00:09:38,475
You finally green-lit
my orgy idea!

259
00:09:38,477 --> 00:09:39,676
Okay.

260
00:09:39,678 --> 00:09:41,478
It's an open
house, Barney.

261
00:09:41,480 --> 00:09:43,980
Say good-bye to
your fortress.

262
00:09:43,982 --> 00:09:46,199
If we weren't about
to have an orgy,

263
00:09:46,201 --> 00:09:48,017
I'd be so mad at you right now.

264
00:09:52,573 --> 00:09:54,013
If you'll follow me
into the bedroom,

265
00:09:54,074 --> 00:09:56,023
I'll show you some
beautiful woodwork.

266
00:09:56,025 --> 00:09:58,700
I am way too upset right now
to point out how many women

267
00:09:58,752 --> 00:10:00,201
have seen some beautiful
woodwork in there.

268
00:10:00,203 --> 00:10:01,719
Angry self five!

269
00:10:01,721 --> 00:10:02,720
Rah!

270
00:10:02,722 --> 00:10:03,922
Robin,

271
00:10:03,924 --> 00:10:05,323
I did not agree to this.

272
00:10:05,325 --> 00:10:06,424
Yes, you did.

273
00:10:06,426 --> 00:10:08,426
That is why I gave up
my apartment.

274
00:10:08,428 --> 00:10:11,212
Not so I could live in
a disease-riddled bang pad

275
00:10:11,214 --> 00:10:13,264
haunted by the ghosts
of your ex-skanks.

276
00:10:14,767 --> 00:10:17,368
The bathrooms are
Italian marble.

277
00:10:18,571 --> 00:10:20,204
Hello, old bean.

278
00:10:20,206 --> 00:10:21,639
Jolly good
evening, isn't it?

279
00:10:21,641 --> 00:10:22,707
What are you
doing here?

280
00:10:22,709 --> 00:10:25,226
And why do you
sound like Madonna?

281
00:10:25,228 --> 00:10:26,727
Uh, Robin asked us all
to come here and pretend

282
00:10:26,729 --> 00:10:28,062
that we are
prospective buyers

283
00:10:28,064 --> 00:10:29,030
who love this
apartment.

284
00:10:29,032 --> 00:10:30,782
And inspired
by a character

285
00:10:30,784 --> 00:10:33,067
on Woodworthy Manor,
I've decided to play

286
00:10:33,069 --> 00:10:34,786
Emsbry Postlethwaite,

287
00:10:34,788 --> 00:10:35,870
a handsome
cricket player

288
00:10:35,872 --> 00:10:38,706
who secretly
hates his life.

289
00:10:38,708 --> 00:10:40,375
You don't have to
be a cricket player.

290
00:10:40,377 --> 00:10:41,960
Tell that to
Emsbry's father.

291
00:10:41,962 --> 00:10:43,294
Sorry!

292
00:10:43,296 --> 00:10:44,846
Oh...

293
00:10:44,848 --> 00:10:47,632
I was checking out some
mole people's graffiti art

294
00:10:47,634 --> 00:10:49,601
and my cape got caught
on the F train.

295
00:10:49,603 --> 00:10:50,602
Oh.

296
00:10:50,604 --> 00:10:51,853
Bisou bisou.

297
00:10:52,721 --> 00:10:55,089
Oh, what a
cute baby.

298
00:10:55,091 --> 00:10:56,140
What's his name?

299
00:10:56,142 --> 00:10:57,258
Marvin.

300
00:10:57,260 --> 00:10:58,209
For my father.

301
00:10:58,211 --> 00:10:59,927
Oh, that's
so sweet.

302
00:10:59,929 --> 00:11:01,646
Have you two been looking
at a lot of places

303
00:11:01,648 --> 00:11:02,647
in this neighborhood?

304
00:11:02,649 --> 00:11:03,948
Oh, actually
they're not...

305
00:11:03,950 --> 00:11:06,317
Yes, we have.

306
00:11:06,319 --> 00:11:07,768
What?

307
00:11:07,770 --> 00:11:11,656
My husband Emsbry
and I just love this area.

308
00:11:11,658 --> 00:11:14,275
I'm a cricket player who
secretly hates his life.

309
00:11:15,161 --> 00:11:17,078
What are you doing?

310
00:11:17,080 --> 00:11:19,247
Well, you were
late yet again,

311
00:11:19,249 --> 00:11:21,132
and so I'm gonna do this
little scene study with Ted.

312
00:11:21,134 --> 00:11:23,551
Why? Because he's
there for me.

313
00:11:25,304 --> 00:11:27,088
Pretending you're married?

314
00:11:27,090 --> 00:11:29,924
That's going a little far
to prove your point, isn't it?

315
00:11:29,926 --> 00:11:32,393
Excuse me, but I think
it's offensive to suggest

316
00:11:32,395 --> 00:11:35,346
the only reason gay people get
married is to prove a point.

317
00:11:35,348 --> 00:11:37,631
No, no, no, no, no.

318
00:11:37,633 --> 00:11:39,183
I didn't...
that's not what I...

319
00:11:39,185 --> 00:11:40,601
Thank you, sister—
somebody needs

320
00:11:40,603 --> 00:11:43,438
to get this lady's mind
a rearview mirror

321
00:11:43,440 --> 00:11:46,307
because she is thinking in reverse.
Mm-hmm.

322
00:11:49,328 --> 00:11:50,995
Hate is a four-letter word.

323
00:11:50,997 --> 00:11:52,980
I didn't... I voted for...

324
00:11:56,502 --> 00:11:58,169
Oh, is this part
of a security system?

325
00:11:58,171 --> 00:11:59,370
Sort of.

326
00:11:59,372 --> 00:12:01,655
It's connected
to the welcome mat. You see...

327
00:12:01,657 --> 00:12:03,541
Let's say the young lady
you're bringing home

328
00:12:03,543 --> 00:12:04,842
is dressed for winter.

329
00:12:04,844 --> 00:12:06,094
Under those layers,

330
00:12:06,096 --> 00:12:07,495
an unwelcome surprise
could await you.

331
00:12:07,497 --> 00:12:09,681
The scale
with body fat calculator

332
00:12:09,683 --> 00:12:11,883
I've hidden
under the welcome mat

333
00:12:11,885 --> 00:12:14,502
makes sure you never
have banger's remorse.

334
00:12:14,504 --> 00:12:16,554
The Heavy Set Go

335
00:12:16,556 --> 00:12:18,139
by Stinson, patent pending.

336
00:12:18,141 --> 00:12:21,059
'Cause there's only one kind of
chubby you want in the bedroom.

337
00:12:21,061 --> 00:12:22,510
Am I right, people?

338
00:12:22,512 --> 00:12:25,697
This guy knows what
I'm talking about.

339
00:12:25,699 --> 00:12:29,517
I don't want to tell you
and Emsbry how to raise

340
00:12:29,519 --> 00:12:32,453
your child, but I think
if you keep letting him nap,

341
00:12:32,455 --> 00:12:33,571
he's gonna be up all night.

342
00:12:33,573 --> 00:12:35,707
Funny, you sound
like someone who's been

343
00:12:35,709 --> 00:12:37,575
around for his bedtime lately.

344
00:12:37,577 --> 00:12:40,161
Uh, can somebody get
this lady a storefront

345
00:12:40,163 --> 00:12:42,863
'cause she needs to mind
her own business, mm-kay?

346
00:12:44,000 --> 00:12:45,416
Would you stop it?

347
00:12:45,418 --> 00:12:47,969
Oh, right, right,
because it's a choice.

348
00:12:49,421 --> 00:12:51,222
You know what's
not a choice?

349
00:12:51,224 --> 00:12:52,724
Being gay for this kitchen.

350
00:12:53,759 --> 00:12:55,843
That came out wrong—
the point is,

351
00:12:55,845 --> 00:12:58,096
let's focus on this
awesome apartment.

352
00:12:58,098 --> 00:12:59,564
You're right.

353
00:12:59,566 --> 00:13:02,400
Look at that fabulous
plasma television.

354
00:13:02,402 --> 00:13:05,653
My ex-husband, who never
supported my career,

355
00:13:05,655 --> 00:13:06,804
would love

356
00:13:06,806 --> 00:13:10,324
to watch the Vikings
never win a Super Bowl

357
00:13:10,326 --> 00:13:12,110
in franchise history
on that thing.

358
00:13:12,112 --> 00:13:14,362
How dare you.
Don't let her push your buttons.

359
00:13:15,063 --> 00:13:16,748
Right.

360
00:13:17,750 --> 00:13:20,535
I don't care about football.

361
00:13:20,537 --> 00:13:22,120
I'm more of a...

362
00:13:22,122 --> 00:13:23,737
Woodworthy Manor fan.

363
00:13:24,790 --> 00:13:27,341
I very much enjoyed watching it
the other night.

364
00:13:28,128 --> 00:13:29,427
With Emsbry.

365
00:13:29,429 --> 00:13:30,578
Oh, you didn't.

366
00:13:30,580 --> 00:13:32,130
Yeah, oh, yeah.

367
00:13:32,132 --> 00:13:33,931
I know who
deliberately overwatered

368
00:13:33,933 --> 00:13:35,767
Lady Chillsbury's
prize-winning roses.

369
00:13:35,769 --> 00:13:38,302
They have been building
to that reveal all season,

370
00:13:38,304 --> 00:13:40,221
Marshall, don't you tell me...

371
00:13:40,223 --> 00:13:42,857
It was Parson Smallsby.

372
00:13:45,694 --> 00:13:48,279
Wow, great view.

373
00:13:48,281 --> 00:13:49,280
And customizable.

374
00:13:49,282 --> 00:13:50,314
Let's say you promised a girl

375
00:13:50,316 --> 00:13:51,432
a surprise trip

376
00:13:51,434 --> 00:13:53,601
to the most
romantic place on Earth.

377
00:13:53,603 --> 00:13:55,787
No peeking.

378
00:13:55,789 --> 00:13:58,072
Wow, we must've gone far.

379
00:13:58,074 --> 00:14:01,592
We were on your private jet
for, like, six hours.

380
00:14:01,594 --> 00:14:02,910
Well,

381
00:14:02,912 --> 00:14:04,579
You definitely weren't
on a bus to Delaware

382
00:14:04,581 --> 00:14:06,780
and back wearing earplugs,
I'll tell you that much.

383
00:14:06,782 --> 00:14:08,883
And I think you'll agree
it was worth the wait

384
00:14:08,885 --> 00:14:10,784
once you see the view.

385
00:14:10,786 --> 00:14:12,637
Et voila ma chérie.

386
00:14:15,424 --> 00:14:17,791
Oh, my God.

387
00:14:17,793 --> 00:14:19,844
You flew me to Vegas?

388
00:14:19,846 --> 00:14:22,346
It's, um... it's Par...

389
00:14:22,348 --> 00:14:24,315
Well, hey, whatever works,
whatever...

390
00:14:24,317 --> 00:14:26,484
The Room With a Screw

391
00:14:26,486 --> 00:14:28,269
by Stinson, patent pending.

392
00:14:29,104 --> 00:14:30,104
I know what
you're trying to do.

393
00:14:30,106 --> 00:14:31,189
You're trying
to drive people away.

394
00:14:31,191 --> 00:14:32,440
No, I'm not—
I'm just trying

395
00:14:32,442 --> 00:14:34,108
to show off all of its
one-of-a-kind features.

396
00:14:34,110 --> 00:14:36,810
See, see, there's
also, uh, Venice.

397
00:14:37,863 --> 00:14:40,581
Niagara Falls,

398
00:14:40,583 --> 00:14:43,150
African safari.

399
00:14:43,152 --> 00:14:44,118
Oh...

400
00:14:44,120 --> 00:14:45,453
and my favorite...

401
00:14:48,373 --> 00:14:49,674
Huh?

402
00:14:49,676 --> 00:14:51,509
Nothing gets a girl to
go from "on the fenc"

403
00:14:51,511 --> 00:14:53,294
to "on all fours" faster
than thinking

404
00:14:53,296 --> 00:14:56,380
everyone she's ever held dear
is a glowing pile of ash.

405
00:14:56,382 --> 00:14:58,349
Mushroom cloud five.

406
00:15:03,222 --> 00:15:05,690
I love you accent.

407
00:15:05,692 --> 00:15:07,108
Thank you.

408
00:15:07,110 --> 00:15:08,509
I practiced it all morning.

409
00:15:09,529 --> 00:15:10,844
You are adorable.

410
00:15:10,846 --> 00:15:11,896
Well...

411
00:15:11,898 --> 00:15:14,014
That Marshall's a lucky man.

412
00:15:14,016 --> 00:15:15,616
Well, aren't you ducky?

413
00:15:15,618 --> 00:15:17,518
Seriously if you were straight,

414
00:15:17,520 --> 00:15:19,687
I'd be all over you.

415
00:15:20,722 --> 00:15:21,989
Huh.

416
00:15:23,158 --> 00:15:24,542
What's this?

417
00:15:24,544 --> 00:15:25,409
Oh, God.

418
00:15:25,411 --> 00:15:27,211
Only the best thing ever.

419
00:15:27,213 --> 00:15:29,714
Let's say you had a wonderful
night with a girl, but now

420
00:15:29,716 --> 00:15:33,200
she's turning into a bit
of a morning-after pill.

421
00:15:41,260 --> 00:15:43,210
See? We need to
extend the chute

422
00:15:43,212 --> 00:15:45,479
and add a landing spot.

423
00:15:45,481 --> 00:15:48,099
And you said testing it with
a dummy was a waste of time.

424
00:15:48,101 --> 00:15:52,153
No, I said "dressing the dummy"
was a waste of time.

425
00:15:52,155 --> 00:15:53,938
The Escape From Bitch Mountain

426
00:15:53,940 --> 00:15:55,623
by Stinson, patent pending.
Okay.

427
00:15:55,625 --> 00:15:57,024
He's kidding,
it's just, you know,

428
00:15:57,026 --> 00:15:58,192
in case of fire.

429
00:15:58,194 --> 00:16:00,060
No, but I'm glad
you mentioned fire.

430
00:16:00,062 --> 00:16:02,530
See those smoke
detectors?

431
00:16:03,565 --> 00:16:04,782
Say these words.

432
00:16:06,368 --> 00:16:08,736
"I'm looking for
a deeper commitment."

433
00:16:10,123 --> 00:16:13,791
It's also triggered by "I'm too
tired,"Let's snuggle,"

434
00:16:13,793 --> 00:16:15,126
and "I'm a week late."

435
00:16:15,128 --> 00:16:16,744
Barney, I'm getting wet.

436
00:16:16,746 --> 00:16:20,581
And that turns it off.

437
00:16:20,583 --> 00:16:21,915
Look, just stop talking.

438
00:16:21,917 --> 00:16:23,467
We've made up our minds.

439
00:16:23,469 --> 00:16:25,219
Oh, well,
thanks for taking a look.

440
00:16:25,221 --> 00:16:26,304
I'll walk you out.

441
00:16:26,306 --> 00:16:28,139
We'll take it.

442
00:16:28,141 --> 00:16:30,641
If you never get a black light,
you'll be so happy here.

443
00:16:30,643 --> 00:16:32,560
Yes, yes!

444
00:16:32,562 --> 00:16:33,561
Yes, yes.

445
00:16:38,033 --> 00:16:40,267
Trouble in paradise?

446
00:16:46,941 --> 00:16:49,443
We have a child together.

447
00:16:55,781 --> 00:16:58,736
I can't believe you watched
Woodworthy Manor without me.

448
00:16:58,790 --> 00:17:01,508
I can't believe
that you're mad at me.

449
00:17:01,510 --> 00:17:04,461
I've been abandoned by my wife
and my gay companion.

450
00:17:04,463 --> 00:17:06,963
If I get blinded in one eye
by a badminton shuttlecock,

451
00:17:06,965 --> 00:17:08,465
you might as well
call me Lord Esterbrooke.

452
00:17:09,468 --> 00:17:10,583
You watched the new one
without me?

453
00:17:10,585 --> 00:17:13,353
Betrayal stings,
doesn't it, Emsbry?

454
00:17:14,722 --> 00:17:15,855
Hey.

455
00:17:15,857 --> 00:17:16,906
Hey.
Listen.

456
00:17:16,908 --> 00:17:18,191
I...
No, me first.

457
00:17:19,060 --> 00:17:20,060
I've been thinking

458
00:17:20,062 --> 00:17:21,528
and I realized something.

459
00:17:21,530 --> 00:17:23,763
The Fortress of Solitude is

460
00:17:23,765 --> 00:17:25,598
where Superman went to be alone.

461
00:17:25,600 --> 00:17:27,951
And I never want
to be alone again.

462
00:17:27,953 --> 00:17:30,987
Thank you, Barney,
that really...

463
00:17:30,989 --> 00:17:33,039
But then I remembered
in Superman II,

464
00:17:33,041 --> 00:17:35,792
Superman gave up all his powers
to be with Lois Lane,

465
00:17:35,794 --> 00:17:37,661
and he was honestly kind of
a vag after that.

466
00:17:37,663 --> 00:17:39,445
Oh, buddy,
just quit while...

467
00:17:39,447 --> 00:17:40,664
Now, Superman III was

468
00:17:40,666 --> 00:17:41,998
a complete train wreck totally.

469
00:17:42,000 --> 00:17:43,049
What's your point?

470
00:17:43,051 --> 00:17:44,050
That...

471
00:17:44,052 --> 00:17:45,618
that I love you.

472
00:17:45,620 --> 00:17:47,620
And...

473
00:17:47,622 --> 00:17:50,140
I'm giving up
my apartment for you.

474
00:17:50,142 --> 00:17:54,394
And that the Superman films
are uneven.

475
00:17:55,846 --> 00:17:58,298
I really appreciate
that, Barney, but...

476
00:17:58,300 --> 00:17:59,632
after you left...

477
00:17:59,634 --> 00:18:02,352
Congrats. You guys are getting
a fantastic apartment.

478
00:18:02,354 --> 00:18:05,822
I mean, I know some of the
features are a little weird.

479
00:18:05,824 --> 00:18:07,357
A little?

480
00:18:08,075 --> 00:18:09,109
We're gonna rip
this thing

481
00:18:09,111 --> 00:18:10,443
down to the studs.

482
00:18:10,445 --> 00:18:12,195
I get it.

483
00:18:12,197 --> 00:18:14,864
But, I mean, some things
might be worth saving.

484
00:18:14,866 --> 00:18:17,117
I don't see any.
No.

485
00:18:17,119 --> 00:18:19,419
You don't see any?

486
00:18:20,121 --> 00:18:21,454
Sure some of the stuff in here

487
00:18:21,456 --> 00:18:23,790
is creepy,
but it's also brilliant.

488
00:18:23,792 --> 00:18:25,458
I mean, a lot

489
00:18:25,460 --> 00:18:27,093
of geniuses were kind of pervy.

490
00:18:27,095 --> 00:18:29,045
Look at Thomas Edison—
why do you think

491
00:18:29,047 --> 00:18:30,597
that lightbulbs are boob-shaped?

492
00:18:30,599 --> 00:18:33,216
Yeah, we're taking
a wrecking ball to this place

493
00:18:33,218 --> 00:18:36,836
and turning it into something
actually fit for humans.

494
00:18:38,890 --> 00:18:40,223
Excuse me.

495
00:18:46,832 --> 00:18:48,198
Get out!

496
00:18:48,200 --> 00:18:51,368
The Fortress of Barnitude
is no longer for sale.

497
00:18:51,370 --> 00:18:53,820
Also your husband has
been staring at my ass

498
00:18:53,822 --> 00:18:57,457
all afternoon so don't
act all high-and-mighty.

499
00:18:57,459 --> 00:18:59,192
You turned them down?

500
00:18:59,194 --> 00:19:02,829
Yeah. If I ask you to change
too many things about yourself,

501
00:19:02,831 --> 00:19:05,965
you're not gonna be the man
I fell in love with.

502
00:19:05,967 --> 00:19:07,150
Turns out,

503
00:19:07,152 --> 00:19:09,002
I accept and appreciate

504
00:19:09,004 --> 00:19:11,037
even the grossest, creepiest,

505
00:19:11,039 --> 00:19:13,506
most sociopathic parts of you.

506
00:19:14,676 --> 00:19:18,144
Sounds like somebody
just wrote her vows.

507
00:19:19,380 --> 00:19:21,147
Mm.

508
00:19:22,383 --> 00:19:23,716
It's the Captain.

509
00:19:24,885 --> 00:19:25,985
Ahoy.

510
00:19:25,987 --> 00:19:27,720
There's a zebra
at the Central Park Zoo

511
00:19:27,722 --> 00:19:30,023
who's got quite a keen hoof
at photography.

512
00:19:30,025 --> 00:19:32,225
Ironically, he's great
with color. Now...

513
00:19:32,227 --> 00:19:35,445
Captain, I'll check it
out, just not tonight.

514
00:19:35,447 --> 00:19:38,331
I need to spend some
time with my husband.

515
00:19:38,333 --> 00:19:40,733
You sure?

516
00:19:40,735 --> 00:19:43,236
I know it's been tough,
me working this much,

517
00:19:43,238 --> 00:19:46,089
and I guess I went
a little overboard

518
00:19:46,091 --> 00:19:47,406
with the whole artsy thing.

519
00:19:47,408 --> 00:19:48,675
I know.

520
00:19:48,677 --> 00:19:49,843
The cape.

521
00:19:49,845 --> 00:19:50,960
What about my cape?

522
00:19:50,962 --> 00:19:52,078
I love it.

523
00:19:52,080 --> 00:19:53,129
And I...

524
00:19:53,131 --> 00:19:54,264
I know that you love this job.

525
00:19:54,266 --> 00:19:55,882
I should be more supportive—
I just miss you.

526
00:19:55,884 --> 00:19:57,767
I miss you, too.

527
00:19:57,769 --> 00:19:59,252
Hey, guys.

528
00:19:59,254 --> 00:20:01,387
Hey.
Hey.

529
00:20:01,389 --> 00:20:03,440
You guys are all so lucky.

530
00:20:03,442 --> 00:20:06,192
When am I gonna
find something real?

531
00:20:06,194 --> 00:20:07,426
Well, Emsbry,

532
00:20:07,428 --> 00:20:09,479
ready to see what it's like
to be with a woman?

533
00:20:09,481 --> 00:20:11,281
I suppose there's

534
00:20:11,283 --> 00:20:13,700
a first time for everything.

535
00:20:14,452 --> 00:20:16,486
Go ahead.
My son.

536
00:20:17,873 --> 00:20:18,872
Okay.

537
00:20:18,874 --> 00:20:22,008
Yeah, all right.

538
00:20:26,226 --> 00:20:29,311
Are you guys sure we're gonna
like this Woodworthy Manor show?

539
00:20:29,480 --> 00:20:31,413
Yeah, it sounds
kind of boring.

540
00:20:32,649 --> 00:20:33,816
Kind of boring?

541
00:20:33,818 --> 00:20:35,751
Grab a seat guys,
but trust me,

542
00:20:35,753 --> 00:20:37,486
you're only gonna
need the edge.

543
00:20:38,338 --> 00:20:40,159
Ah-ha, all right, now,

544
00:20:40,259 --> 00:20:41,709
a little backstory.

545
00:20:41,711 --> 00:20:45,296
Lady Stoutshire has developed
a serious case of croquet ankle

546
00:20:45,298 --> 00:20:49,350
and the cook Mrs. Bootbrush
can't find enough chestnuts

547
00:20:49,352 --> 00:20:51,435
for a proper
St. Crispin's Day goose.

548
00:20:51,437 --> 00:20:52,853
Let's watch.

549
00:21:04,366 --> 00:21:05,783
I love you.

550
00:21:05,785 --> 00:21:06,784
My wrist is broken.

551
00:21:06,786 --> 00:21:08,819
Worth it.
Ow.

552
00:21:08,821 --> 00:21:13,821
== sync, corrected by elderman ==