1
00:00:01,994 --> 00:00:03,534
Kids, this is

2
00:00:01,994 --> 00:00:03,534
the story of the night

3
00:00:03,534 --> 00:00:06,328
Barney's life

4
00:00:03,534 --> 00:00:06,328
completely fell apart.

5
00:00:06,328 --> 00:00:07,994
Six Hours Earlier

6
00:00:07,994 --> 00:00:09,451
My life is finally perfect,

7
00:00:07,994 --> 00:00:09,451
and that is never

8
00:00:07,994 --> 00:00:09,451
going to change.

9
00:00:09,451 --> 00:00:11,451
Fired up for dinner

10
00:00:09,451 --> 00:00:11,451
with my mom tonight?

11
00:00:11,451 --> 00:00:13,451
Yeah. To help streamline

12
00:00:11,451 --> 00:00:13,451
the rest of our lives,

13
00:00:13,451 --> 00:00:16,451
you can always assume my answer

14
00:00:13,451 --> 00:00:16,451
to that question is no.

15
00:00:16,451 --> 00:00:18,328
W...

16
00:00:16,451 --> 00:00:18,328
I'm pretty nervous.

17
00:00:18,328 --> 00:00:20,785
Nervous? Why?

18
00:00:18,328 --> 00:00:20,785
It's just gonna be two hours

19
00:00:20,785 --> 00:00:24,077
of "I love Barney the most."

20
00:00:20,785 --> 00:00:24,077
"No, I love Barney the most."

21
00:00:24,077 --> 00:00:26,202
You're right. I may not even

22
00:00:24,077 --> 00:00:26,202
get a chance to talk.

23
00:00:26,202 --> 00:00:28,369
But I'm still...

24
00:00:26,202 --> 00:00:28,369
I-I don't know. I'm worried

25
00:00:28,369 --> 00:00:30,161
she won't think

26
00:00:28,369 --> 00:00:30,161
I'm good enough to be engaged

27
00:00:30,161 --> 00:00:32,202
to her precious

28
00:00:30,161 --> 00:00:32,202
little Love-Love.

29
00:00:32,202 --> 00:00:34,910
Okay, first of all,

30
00:00:32,202 --> 00:00:34,910
it's "Wuv-Wuv."

31
00:00:34,910 --> 00:00:37,328
And second,

32
00:00:34,910 --> 00:00:37,328
don't worry.

33
00:00:37,328 --> 00:00:38,451
I'm just gonna drop off

34
00:00:37,328 --> 00:00:38,451
our catering deposit,

35
00:00:38,451 --> 00:00:40,451
and then I will

36
00:00:38,451 --> 00:00:40,451
be there for you.

37
00:00:38,451 --> 00:00:40,451
Mm.

38
00:00:40,451 --> 00:00:41,409
Okay, well,

39
00:00:40,451 --> 00:00:41,409
please don't be late.

40
00:00:41,409 --> 00:00:42,952
I am counting on you tonight.

41
00:00:42,952 --> 00:00:44,952
And be careful...

42
00:00:42,952 --> 00:00:44,952
that's 5,000 bucks in there.

43
00:00:44,952 --> 00:00:48,451
Uh, I think I'll be okay

44
00:00:44,952 --> 00:00:48,451
walking four blocks here

45
00:00:48,451 --> 00:00:50,618
on the Upper East Side.

46
00:00:57,451 --> 00:00:59,493
Please, I swear I never talked

47
00:00:57,451 --> 00:00:59,493
to the North Koreans!

48
00:00:59,493 --> 00:01:01,119
Unless you are

49
00:00:59,493 --> 00:01:01,119
the North Koreans, in which case

50
00:01:01,119 --> 00:01:02,451
I never talked

51
00:01:01,119 --> 00:01:02,451
to the South Koreans!

52
00:01:02,451 --> 00:01:03,743
Barney Stinson,

53
00:01:03,743 --> 00:01:06,451
you are being

54
00:01:03,743 --> 00:01:06,451
kidnapped.

55
00:01:06,451 --> 00:01:09,202
For your surprise

56
00:01:06,451 --> 00:01:09,202
bachelor party!

57
00:01:23,952 --> 00:01:25,451
A kidnapping.

58
00:01:25,451 --> 00:01:28,202
Respect.

59
00:01:25,451 --> 00:01:28,202
I was secretly worried

60
00:01:28,202 --> 00:01:30,660
you might not be able

61
00:01:28,202 --> 00:01:30,660
to pull off my bachelor party.

62
00:01:30,660 --> 00:01:32,576
Yeah, it wasn't that secret.

63
00:01:32,576 --> 00:01:33,618
Three Weeks Earlier

64
00:01:33,618 --> 00:01:35,035
You two?

65
00:01:33,618 --> 00:01:35,035
Planning my bachelor party?

66
00:01:35,035 --> 00:01:37,451
Look, you seem like nice kids.

67
00:01:37,451 --> 00:01:39,451
But this is a sacred event,

68
00:01:39,451 --> 00:01:41,952
a man's rite of passage

69
00:01:39,451 --> 00:01:41,952
with his bros.

70
00:01:41,952 --> 00:01:44,451
His... bro mitzvah!

71
00:01:44,451 --> 00:01:47,035
You didn't just think of that.

72
00:01:44,451 --> 00:01:47,035
You've been saying it

73
00:01:44,451 --> 00:01:47,035
for months every...

74
00:01:47,035 --> 00:01:48,618
But here's my dilemma:

75
00:01:48,618 --> 00:01:50,451
my average night is like

76
00:01:48,618 --> 00:01:50,451
an average guy's bachelor party.

77
00:01:50,451 --> 00:01:52,534
So, no offense,

78
00:01:50,451 --> 00:01:52,534
but if you two plan it,

79
00:01:52,534 --> 00:01:55,451
it's gonna be ordi...

80
00:01:52,534 --> 00:01:55,451
why wait for it? nary.

81
00:01:55,451 --> 00:01:56,952
Ordinary.

82
00:01:56,952 --> 00:01:57,868
I can help.

83
00:01:57,868 --> 00:01:59,451
You?

84
00:01:59,451 --> 00:02:01,202
Look, you seem like a nice kid,

85
00:02:01,202 --> 00:02:02,286
but bros' fiancées

86
00:02:02,286 --> 00:02:03,493
cannot plan bachelor parties.

87
00:02:03,493 --> 00:02:05,327
Sorry. You two are on your own.

88
00:02:05,327 --> 00:02:07,035
And you will disappoint me.

89
00:02:08,077 --> 00:02:10,451
But make it great, okay?

90
00:02:10,451 --> 00:02:12,451
But this is a strong start.

91
00:02:12,451 --> 00:02:14,827
The students

92
00:02:12,451 --> 00:02:14,827
have become...

93
00:02:14,827 --> 00:02:17,327
the intermediate

94
00:02:14,827 --> 00:02:17,327
students.

95
00:02:17,327 --> 00:02:19,409
I just have

96
00:02:17,327 --> 00:02:19,409
to make one call.

97
00:02:21,451 --> 00:02:22,451
Hello.

98
00:02:22,451 --> 00:02:24,327
Robin, great news!

99
00:02:24,327 --> 00:02:25,994
I've been kidnapped

100
00:02:24,327 --> 00:02:25,994
for a surprise bachelor party

101
00:02:25,994 --> 00:02:27,451
so I won't be there

102
00:02:25,994 --> 00:02:27,451
at all!

103
00:02:27,451 --> 00:02:30,451
What? Barney, I-I can't

104
00:02:27,451 --> 00:02:30,451
do dinner with your mom alone.

105
00:02:30,451 --> 00:02:33,285
Okay, I'll call her,

106
00:02:30,451 --> 00:02:33,285
make up an excuse and cancel.

107
00:02:33,285 --> 00:02:35,285
And don't worry,

108
00:02:33,285 --> 00:02:35,285
I'll take all the blame.

109
00:02:35,285 --> 00:02:37,451
Hold on.

110
00:02:37,451 --> 00:02:38,618
Hi, Wuv-Wuv.

111
00:02:38,618 --> 00:02:40,451
Hi, Momsies.

112
00:02:40,451 --> 00:02:43,285
I forgot, I'm mentoring an

113
00:02:40,451 --> 00:02:43,285
underprivileged child tonight,

114
00:02:43,285 --> 00:02:46,534
and Robin can't stand the idea

115
00:02:43,285 --> 00:02:46,534
of dinner with you by herself,

116
00:02:46,534 --> 00:02:48,451
so we're not gonna be able to...

117
00:02:48,451 --> 00:02:49,534
Don't bother.

118
00:02:48,451 --> 00:02:49,534
She's already here.

119
00:02:49,534 --> 00:02:52,077
Hold on.

120
00:02:52,077 --> 00:02:54,451
Robin? Too late.

121
00:02:52,077 --> 00:02:54,451
She's already there.

122
00:02:54,451 --> 00:02:56,035
Barney, don't...

123
00:02:56,035 --> 00:02:58,618
Robin can't stand the idea

124
00:02:56,035 --> 00:02:58,618
of dinner with me?

125
00:02:58,618 --> 00:03:00,451
Great! We're all set then.

126
00:03:00,451 --> 00:03:01,952
Don't you leave me alone

127
00:03:00,451 --> 00:03:01,952
with her. I told you...

128
00:03:01,952 --> 00:03:04,493
That problem is solved.

129
00:03:04,493 --> 00:03:06,451
So what's the plan?

130
00:03:06,451 --> 00:03:08,534
Well, you know the Taj

131
00:03:06,451 --> 00:03:08,534
Mahal in Atlantic City?

132
00:03:08,534 --> 00:03:10,451
Yeah.

133
00:03:10,451 --> 00:03:12,451
You know the

134
00:03:10,451 --> 00:03:12,451
secret penthouse

135
00:03:12,451 --> 00:03:15,161
in the top of the Taj

136
00:03:12,451 --> 00:03:15,161
Mahal in Atlantic City?

137
00:03:15,161 --> 00:03:17,409
Yeah!

138
00:03:17,409 --> 00:03:19,161
Boom! There it is.

139
00:03:19,161 --> 00:03:20,910
Visible from our window.

140
00:03:20,910 --> 00:03:23,285
In the distance.

141
00:03:23,285 --> 00:03:24,534
Behind the refinery.

142
00:03:24,534 --> 00:03:26,285
Okay, you can't

143
00:03:24,534 --> 00:03:26,285
quite see it.

144
00:03:26,285 --> 00:03:29,119
Why are we outside

145
00:03:26,285 --> 00:03:29,119
Atlantic City?

146
00:03:29,119 --> 00:03:30,534
Well, we thought it was best,

147
00:03:30,534 --> 00:03:33,576
what with your weakness

148
00:03:30,534 --> 00:03:33,576
for games of chance.

149
00:03:33,576 --> 00:03:34,994
Kids, Barney was addicted

150
00:03:34,994 --> 00:03:36,451
to one Chinese gambling game

151
00:03:36,451 --> 00:03:39,618
that was, well,

152
00:03:36,451 --> 00:03:39,618
sort of complicated.

153
00:03:39,618 --> 00:03:40,910
But don't worry.

154
00:03:40,910 --> 00:03:42,493
Back when you were

155
00:03:40,910 --> 00:03:42,493
engaged to Quinn,

156
00:03:42,493 --> 00:03:44,994
you told us everything

157
00:03:42,493 --> 00:03:44,994
you wanted for tonight.

158
00:03:44,994 --> 00:03:46,201
Ten Months Earlier

159
00:03:46,201 --> 00:03:48,161
A bachelor party is a man's...

160
00:03:48,161 --> 00:03:50,785
bro mitzvah!

161
00:03:50,785 --> 00:03:52,451
Did you just think of that?

162
00:03:52,451 --> 00:03:54,451
Totally! We can wear...

163
00:03:54,451 --> 00:03:56,451
bro-mulkes...

164
00:03:56,451 --> 00:04:00,618
spin the bro-del...

165
00:04:00,618 --> 00:04:03,119
and consult the wisdom

166
00:04:03,119 --> 00:04:06,409
of the Bro-rah.

167
00:04:06,409 --> 00:04:09,576
Written in... He-bro.

168
00:04:09,576 --> 00:04:11,743
Not at all

169
00:04:09,576 --> 00:04:11,743
bro-ffensive.

170
00:04:11,743 --> 00:04:14,451
Ooh, ooh! Couple other ideas...

171
00:04:11,743 --> 00:04:14,451
and I'm just spitballing here...

172
00:04:14,451 --> 00:04:15,827
so take 'em or leave 'em.

173
00:04:15,827 --> 00:04:18,660
Booze, duh; cigars, duh;

174
00:04:15,827 --> 00:04:18,660
strippers, duh...

175
00:04:18,660 --> 00:04:20,660
Ooh! Things should get so

176
00:04:18,660 --> 00:04:20,660
crazy that at some point

177
00:04:20,660 --> 00:04:22,409
we should fear

178
00:04:20,660 --> 00:04:22,409
for our lives.

179
00:04:22,409 --> 00:04:24,868
Oh, we'll fear for our lives,

180
00:04:22,409 --> 00:04:24,868
all right.

181
00:04:24,868 --> 00:04:28,618
When we watch Al Gore's

182
00:04:24,868 --> 00:04:28,618
An Inconvenient Truth!

183
00:04:28,618 --> 00:04:30,368
Yeah. We're

184
00:04:28,618 --> 00:04:30,368
gonna pound a beer

185
00:04:30,368 --> 00:04:31,618
every time we

186
00:04:30,368 --> 00:04:31,618
hear the word

187
00:04:31,618 --> 00:04:33,077
"catastrophic."

188
00:04:33,077 --> 00:04:34,451
Oh!

189
00:04:34,451 --> 00:04:36,618
Could that be...

190
00:04:36,618 --> 00:04:39,451
the next item on your list?

191
00:04:39,451 --> 00:04:41,743
Mind-blowing

192
00:04:39,451 --> 00:04:41,743
entertainment,

193
00:04:41,743 --> 00:04:45,701
like a naked fire show

194
00:04:41,743 --> 00:04:45,701
or a naked magic show.

195
00:04:45,701 --> 00:04:46,701
There's a good chance

196
00:04:45,701 --> 00:04:46,701
our engagement

197
00:04:46,701 --> 00:04:47,868
doesn't work out, isn't there?

198
00:04:47,868 --> 00:04:48,910
Not now, honey.

199
00:04:48,910 --> 00:04:51,243
Or a naked contortionist!

200
00:04:51,243 --> 00:04:54,451
Or... a balloon contortionist!

201
00:04:58,409 --> 00:04:59,701
Balloons.

202
00:04:59,701 --> 00:05:02,285
Not the inflatable, round,

203
00:04:59,701 --> 00:05:02,285
squishy pouches

204
00:05:02,285 --> 00:05:03,785
I was hoping to see tonight.

205
00:05:05,035 --> 00:05:06,285
Hold on.

206
00:05:06,285 --> 00:05:07,701
I told you no clown.

207
00:05:07,701 --> 00:05:10,576
Well, you didn't like

208
00:05:07,701 --> 00:05:10,576
the bubble guy either.

209
00:05:10,576 --> 00:05:12,451
Hey, Robin.

210
00:05:10,576 --> 00:05:12,451
Did you tell your mother

211
00:05:12,451 --> 00:05:13,493
I'm a virgin?

212
00:05:13,493 --> 00:05:16,493
What? Why would you think that?

213
00:05:16,493 --> 00:05:19,160
Save yourself

214
00:05:16,493 --> 00:05:19,160
room for dessert.

215
00:05:16,493 --> 00:05:19,160
Mmm.

216
00:05:19,160 --> 00:05:22,201
And I hear you excel

217
00:05:19,160 --> 00:05:22,201
at saving yourself.

218
00:05:24,160 --> 00:05:25,493
You are so funny.

219
00:05:25,493 --> 00:05:27,077
What's gotten into you?

220
00:05:27,077 --> 00:05:30,201
Oh, that's right... nothing ever.

221
00:05:32,077 --> 00:05:33,618
You may be nervous

222
00:05:33,618 --> 00:05:36,285
as to what goes where

223
00:05:33,618 --> 00:05:36,285
on your wedding night.

224
00:05:36,285 --> 00:05:37,743
It's really simple.

225
00:05:37,743 --> 00:05:39,868
Let me show you.

226
00:05:42,451 --> 00:05:45,451
Let's start with

227
00:05:42,451 --> 00:05:45,451
the fundamentals.

228
00:05:45,451 --> 00:05:47,451
Why would you

229
00:05:45,451 --> 00:05:47,451
tell her I'm a virgin?

230
00:05:47,451 --> 00:05:48,618
I panicked.

231
00:05:48,618 --> 00:05:50,076
Look, I really want her

232
00:05:48,618 --> 00:05:50,076
to like you,

233
00:05:50,076 --> 00:05:51,952
so just go with it, okay? Okay!

234
00:05:51,952 --> 00:05:53,576
Listen, Wuv-Wuv,

235
00:05:51,952 --> 00:05:53,576
you better get your ass back...

236
00:05:55,868 --> 00:05:57,368
Another guest?

237
00:05:57,368 --> 00:06:00,743
Who could this be?

238
00:06:00,743 --> 00:06:01,576
Why, it's Lily!

239
00:06:01,576 --> 00:06:02,952
And she's here

240
00:06:01,576 --> 00:06:02,952
to deliver

241
00:06:02,952 --> 00:06:04,076
one of your requests!

242
00:06:04,076 --> 00:06:06,368
Oh, thank you,

243
00:06:04,076 --> 00:06:06,368
Marshall.

244
00:06:06,368 --> 00:06:07,576
Oh, not that one.

245
00:06:07,576 --> 00:06:10,368
An appearance by

246
00:06:07,576 --> 00:06:10,368
my all-time idol,

247
00:06:10,368 --> 00:06:12,451
the Karate Kid!

248
00:06:12,451 --> 00:06:14,451
The Karate Kid

249
00:06:12,451 --> 00:06:14,451
was an uplifting '80s classic

250
00:06:14,451 --> 00:06:16,534
about a teen,

251
00:06:14,451 --> 00:06:16,534
played by Ralph Macchio,

252
00:06:16,534 --> 00:06:19,576
who defeats the local jerk,

253
00:06:16,534 --> 00:06:19,576
played by William Zabka.

254
00:06:19,576 --> 00:06:21,952
At least, that's how

255
00:06:19,576 --> 00:06:21,952
most people saw it.

256
00:06:21,952 --> 00:06:23,910
Here he is, just as hot

257
00:06:23,910 --> 00:06:27,409
as when his Tiger Beat

258
00:06:23,910 --> 00:06:27,409
photo spread gave a young girl

259
00:06:27,409 --> 00:06:28,701
the courage to explore

260
00:06:28,701 --> 00:06:30,994
the suddenly unfamiliar

261
00:06:28,701 --> 00:06:30,994
topography

262
00:06:30,994 --> 00:06:33,534
of her changing body...

263
00:06:33,534 --> 00:06:36,785
the Karate Kid!

264
00:06:36,785 --> 00:06:38,409
Hey, Barney. It's Ralph.

265
00:06:38,409 --> 00:06:39,618
Listen,

266
00:06:38,409 --> 00:06:39,618
it's always flattering...

267
00:06:39,618 --> 00:06:40,534
No!

268
00:06:41,576 --> 00:06:43,118
I hate Ralph Macchio!

269
00:06:43,118 --> 00:06:45,451
I hate him, hate him, hate him!

270
00:06:45,451 --> 00:06:47,451
He is not the Karate Kid!

271
00:06:47,451 --> 00:06:49,701
The Karate Kid

272
00:06:47,451 --> 00:06:49,701
was William Zabka,

273
00:06:49,701 --> 00:06:52,409
star pupil

274
00:06:49,701 --> 00:06:52,409
of the Cobra Kai Dojo,

275
00:06:52,409 --> 00:06:53,827
who this monster

276
00:06:53,827 --> 00:06:54,910
defeated

277
00:06:53,827 --> 00:06:54,910
with a cheap,

278
00:06:54,910 --> 00:06:57,160
illegal head-kick

279
00:06:57,160 --> 00:07:02,451
in the most tragically haunting

280
00:06:57,160 --> 00:07:02,451
film ending of all time.

281
00:07:02,451 --> 00:07:05,451
Oh, see, I thought

282
00:07:02,451 --> 00:07:05,451
you meant fun-crazy.

283
00:07:05,451 --> 00:07:07,034
Shut it, Ralph Macchio.

284
00:07:07,034 --> 00:07:09,034
Why don't you go have

285
00:07:07,034 --> 00:07:09,034
a party with Luke Skywalker

286
00:07:09,034 --> 00:07:12,660
and Harry Potter and War Horse

287
00:07:09,034 --> 00:07:12,660
and all the other movie bad guys

288
00:07:12,660 --> 00:07:15,785
and stop ruining mine!

289
00:07:15,785 --> 00:07:18,493
This night has been

290
00:07:15,785 --> 00:07:18,493
catastrophic.

291
00:07:18,493 --> 00:07:20,701
"Catastrophic"!

292
00:07:18,493 --> 00:07:20,701
Everybody pound.

293
00:07:21,868 --> 00:07:22,827
Sorry, bro.

294
00:07:22,827 --> 00:07:23,952
I'm staying.

295
00:07:23,952 --> 00:07:25,451
If this is anything

296
00:07:25,451 --> 00:07:27,076
like my bachelor party...

297
00:07:25,451 --> 00:07:27,076
strippers, booze,

298
00:07:27,076 --> 00:07:28,618
definitely no hand stuff...

299
00:07:27,076 --> 00:07:28,618
wink-wink...

300
00:07:28,618 --> 00:07:31,827
it is gonna be in...

301
00:07:28,618 --> 00:07:31,827
wait for it... credible.

302
00:07:31,827 --> 00:07:32,993
Incredible!

303
00:07:32,993 --> 00:07:34,451
Wow.

304
00:07:34,451 --> 00:07:35,910
You guys are

305
00:07:34,451 --> 00:07:35,910
actually a lot alike.

306
00:07:35,910 --> 00:07:36,993
You take that back, sir!

307
00:07:36,993 --> 00:07:40,910
I am nothing like

308
00:07:36,993 --> 00:07:40,910
Ralph Macchio!

309
00:07:40,910 --> 00:07:43,618
I mean, did you guys

310
00:07:40,910 --> 00:07:43,618
even get a stripper?

311
00:07:43,618 --> 00:07:44,785
Bro.

312
00:07:44,785 --> 00:07:46,076
Bro.

313
00:07:46,076 --> 00:07:47,701
Of course we

314
00:07:46,076 --> 00:07:47,701
got a stripper.

315
00:07:47,701 --> 00:07:49,910
Do we look like

316
00:07:47,701 --> 00:07:49,910
the kind of dweebs

317
00:07:49,910 --> 00:07:51,785
who wouldn't get

318
00:07:49,910 --> 00:07:51,785
a stripper?

319
00:07:53,493 --> 00:07:54,701
And as the saying goes,

320
00:07:54,701 --> 00:07:56,451
what happens in

321
00:07:54,701 --> 00:07:56,451
the sensibly-priced

322
00:07:56,451 --> 00:07:58,493
business hotel outside

323
00:07:56,451 --> 00:07:58,493
Atlantic City stays

324
00:07:58,493 --> 00:08:01,409
in the sensibly-priced business

325
00:07:58,493 --> 00:08:01,409
hotel outside Atlantic City.

326
00:08:03,409 --> 00:08:04,868
Who is it?

327
00:08:04,868 --> 00:08:07,034
Police. We got

328
00:08:04,868 --> 00:08:07,034
a noise complaint from...

329
00:08:07,034 --> 00:08:10,118
Oh, who am I kidding?

330
00:08:07,034 --> 00:08:10,118
I can tell it's dead in there.

331
00:08:10,118 --> 00:08:12,160
I'm the stripper!

332
00:08:14,285 --> 00:08:16,243
Barney?

333
00:08:16,243 --> 00:08:17,409
Quinn?

334
00:08:23,743 --> 00:08:26,701
This is your bachelor party?

335
00:08:23,743 --> 00:08:26,701
You're engaged again,

336
00:08:26,701 --> 00:08:28,743
less than a year

337
00:08:26,701 --> 00:08:28,743
after we broke up?

338
00:08:28,743 --> 00:08:30,827
Is it Robin?

339
00:08:30,827 --> 00:08:32,285
Now, hold on.

340
00:08:32,285 --> 00:08:35,285
You're not the only one

341
00:08:32,285 --> 00:08:35,285
with questions here.

342
00:08:35,285 --> 00:08:37,285
You didn't vet the stripper?

343
00:08:38,451 --> 00:08:39,951
Well, I'm glad

344
00:08:38,451 --> 00:08:39,951
you're so happy.

345
00:08:39,951 --> 00:08:41,785
After we broke up,

346
00:08:39,951 --> 00:08:41,785
I had to move out of the city,

347
00:08:41,785 --> 00:08:43,951
my car got totaled,

348
00:08:41,785 --> 00:08:43,951
and I had to go back

349
00:08:43,951 --> 00:08:45,451
to stripping just to pay rent.

350
00:08:45,451 --> 00:08:49,201
It's like everywhere I look,

351
00:08:45,451 --> 00:08:49,201
my life is a dead-end.

352
00:08:49,201 --> 00:08:51,451
Wow.

353
00:08:51,451 --> 00:08:54,451
I am... I'm so

354
00:08:51,451 --> 00:08:54,451
sorry, Quinn.

355
00:08:54,451 --> 00:08:55,785
So, how does this work?

356
00:08:55,785 --> 00:08:58,160
Do you give me a private

357
00:08:55,785 --> 00:08:58,160
show, or does everyone...?

358
00:08:58,160 --> 00:09:00,576
I am not stripping for you.

359
00:09:00,576 --> 00:09:02,409
Whoa, whoa! I was

360
00:09:00,576 --> 00:09:02,409
promised boobs.

361
00:09:02,409 --> 00:09:03,451
Oh, Ralph,

362
00:09:02,409 --> 00:09:03,451
if you want, I can...

363
00:09:03,451 --> 00:09:04,451
Lily.

364
00:09:04,451 --> 00:09:05,534
Is that the Karate Kid?

365
00:09:05,534 --> 00:09:06,701
Yes!

366
00:09:05,534 --> 00:09:06,701
Yes!

367
00:09:06,701 --> 00:09:07,867
No!

368
00:09:07,867 --> 00:09:08,785
He's a lot like

369
00:09:07,867 --> 00:09:08,785
Barney, huh?

370
00:09:08,785 --> 00:09:10,243
You take

371
00:09:08,785 --> 00:09:10,243
that back, madam.

372
00:09:10,243 --> 00:09:12,827
I am nothing

373
00:09:10,243 --> 00:09:12,827
like Ralph Macchio!

374
00:09:12,827 --> 00:09:14,034
Okay, okay.

375
00:09:14,034 --> 00:09:15,451
I'll tell you what.

376
00:09:15,451 --> 00:09:17,451
I am going to strip

377
00:09:15,451 --> 00:09:17,451
for everyone here

378
00:09:17,451 --> 00:09:19,785
except Barney.

379
00:09:19,785 --> 00:09:22,034
And I'm gonna make it dirty.

380
00:09:22,034 --> 00:09:24,785
Yeah, um, I'm the bachelor.

381
00:09:24,785 --> 00:09:27,493
Kind of no stripping

382
00:09:24,785 --> 00:09:27,493
without the lap of honor.

383
00:09:27,493 --> 00:09:28,827
Back me up, bros.

384
00:09:30,327 --> 00:09:31,743
(people whooping,

385
00:09:30,327 --> 00:09:31,743
dance music playing)

386
00:09:32,993 --> 00:09:34,493
How'd you even do that?

387
00:09:34,493 --> 00:09:35,951
What the...?

388
00:09:34,493 --> 00:09:35,951
Oh, my God, yeah!

389
00:09:35,951 --> 00:09:37,493
Hey, Robin.

390
00:09:37,493 --> 00:09:39,827
Hey, sweetie, having fun

391
00:09:37,493 --> 00:09:39,827
at your bachelor party?

392
00:09:39,827 --> 00:09:42,451
No.

393
00:09:39,827 --> 00:09:42,451
Good, 'cause my night's

394
00:09:39,827 --> 00:09:42,451
been hell!

395
00:09:42,451 --> 00:09:45,076
And that's the inverted

396
00:09:42,451 --> 00:09:45,076
chimney sweep,

397
00:09:45,076 --> 00:09:47,993
the last of the 17 basic

398
00:09:45,076 --> 00:09:47,993
sexual positions.

399
00:09:47,993 --> 00:09:49,243
Now, bondage...

400
00:09:49,243 --> 00:09:51,409
Stop! I'm not a virgin!

401
00:09:51,409 --> 00:09:53,867
My napkin ring has seen

402
00:09:51,409 --> 00:09:53,867
plenty of breadsticks.

403
00:09:53,867 --> 00:09:55,951
And one baguette.

404
00:09:55,951 --> 00:09:57,534
I dated a center for the Knicks.

405
00:09:57,534 --> 00:10:00,243
Oh, thank God

406
00:09:57,534 --> 00:10:00,243
you're not a prude.

407
00:10:00,243 --> 00:10:02,368
Now we can really talk.

408
00:10:02,368 --> 00:10:04,451
Four cosmos, pronto!

409
00:10:04,451 --> 00:10:05,951
Now she's drunk,

410
00:10:05,951 --> 00:10:08,243
holding up a napkin ring

411
00:10:05,951 --> 00:10:08,243
and three breadsticks,

412
00:10:08,243 --> 00:10:10,785
and talking about her night

413
00:10:08,243 --> 00:10:10,785
with Crosby, Stills and Nash.

414
00:10:10,785 --> 00:10:13,076
Waiter, can I have

415
00:10:10,785 --> 00:10:13,076
another breadstick?

416
00:10:13,076 --> 00:10:13,826
And Young.

417
00:10:13,826 --> 00:10:15,618
Please come back.

418
00:10:15,618 --> 00:10:17,451
Okay.

419
00:10:17,451 --> 00:10:20,076
I'll be there soon.

420
00:10:20,076 --> 00:10:21,451
Real nice.

421
00:10:20,076 --> 00:10:21,451
So beautiful.

422
00:10:21,451 --> 00:10:22,909
I think we really did it.

423
00:10:21,451 --> 00:10:22,909
I think we did it, you know?

424
00:10:22,909 --> 00:10:25,201
You didn't miss a thing.

425
00:10:25,201 --> 00:10:26,451
Oh, Quinn?

426
00:10:25,201 --> 00:10:26,451
Yeah?

427
00:10:26,451 --> 00:10:29,826
You got a little...

428
00:10:26,451 --> 00:10:29,826
something.

429
00:10:29,826 --> 00:10:31,867
Oh! Oh.

430
00:10:35,909 --> 00:10:37,327
Let's head back, guys.

431
00:10:37,327 --> 00:10:39,576
This night has been

432
00:10:37,327 --> 00:10:39,576
completely half-assed.

433
00:10:39,576 --> 00:10:40,909
You obviously missed

434
00:10:39,576 --> 00:10:40,909
the strip show.

435
00:10:40,909 --> 00:10:42,451
Hey-oh!

436
00:10:42,451 --> 00:10:45,118
Ted, this was my bachelor party.

437
00:10:45,118 --> 00:10:48,409
A man only gets two or three

438
00:10:45,118 --> 00:10:48,409
of these in his lifetime.

439
00:10:48,409 --> 00:10:50,493
And this is all you do for me?

440
00:10:50,493 --> 00:10:52,493
That's it, I'm calling it.

441
00:10:52,493 --> 00:10:54,660
Who needs a ride back

442
00:10:52,493 --> 00:10:54,660
to the city?

443
00:10:56,327 --> 00:10:57,451
Oh.

444
00:10:57,451 --> 00:10:59,409
Oh, guys, wait,

445
00:10:57,451 --> 00:10:59,409
hold on, hold on.

446
00:11:01,327 --> 00:11:03,243
Drinking.

447
00:11:03,243 --> 00:11:05,618
A shot.

448
00:11:05,618 --> 00:11:06,951
Shooting.

449
00:11:06,951 --> 00:11:09,118
A gun.

450
00:11:09,118 --> 00:11:10,368
Shot, gun.

451
00:11:10,368 --> 00:11:11,618
Shotgun?

452
00:11:12,742 --> 00:11:15,034
Man, it's crowded

453
00:11:12,742 --> 00:11:15,034
in here.

454
00:11:15,034 --> 00:11:17,618
I know,

455
00:11:15,034 --> 00:11:17,618
it's like a clown car.

456
00:11:17,618 --> 00:11:19,951
Well, I can make some room

457
00:11:17,618 --> 00:11:19,951
by grinding on Ralph's lap.

458
00:11:19,951 --> 00:11:21,034
S-Sitting!

459
00:11:21,034 --> 00:11:22,243
I-I meant, I meant sitting.

460
00:11:22,243 --> 00:11:24,951
This is the worst

461
00:11:22,243 --> 00:11:24,951
bachelor party ever.

462
00:11:24,951 --> 00:11:28,951
Man, my bachelor party

463
00:11:24,951 --> 00:11:28,951
was incr... wait for it...

464
00:11:28,951 --> 00:11:30,534
and I hope you're hungry,

465
00:11:30,534 --> 00:11:33,701
'cause the second half

466
00:11:30,534 --> 00:11:33,701
of this word is... edible!

467
00:11:33,701 --> 00:11:35,160
Incredible!

468
00:11:35,160 --> 00:11:36,993
Self-shake.

469
00:11:39,160 --> 00:11:40,451
You take that

470
00:11:39,160 --> 00:11:40,451
back, clown.

471
00:11:40,451 --> 00:11:42,285
I am nothing like Ralph Macchio!

472
00:11:42,285 --> 00:11:43,742
Yeah.

473
00:11:43,742 --> 00:11:45,409
You've got more in

474
00:11:43,742 --> 00:11:45,409
common with the clown,

475
00:11:45,409 --> 00:11:46,368
except his suit's

476
00:11:45,409 --> 00:11:46,368
more expensive.

477
00:11:46,368 --> 00:11:47,368
Hey, yo!

478
00:11:48,409 --> 00:11:49,951
I mean, what kind of loser

479
00:11:49,951 --> 00:11:51,660
has his bachelor party

480
00:11:49,951 --> 00:11:51,660
ten yards from A.C.

481
00:11:51,660 --> 00:11:53,243
and doesn't even gamble?

482
00:12:00,451 --> 00:12:02,409
Oh. Oh, sorry.

483
00:12:02,409 --> 00:12:05,243
Sorry. Sorry.

484
00:12:05,243 --> 00:12:06,951
Sorry.

485
00:12:06,951 --> 00:12:08,201
Oh... oh, wait.

486
00:12:08,201 --> 00:12:09,160
Just a little more.

487
00:12:09,160 --> 00:12:10,700
Okay, sorry.

488
00:12:10,700 --> 00:12:11,993
Okay.

489
00:12:14,327 --> 00:12:17,951
bro mitzvah!

490
00:12:17,951 --> 00:12:20,201
Kids, I'll skip over

491
00:12:17,951 --> 00:12:20,201
the gambling.

492
00:12:20,201 --> 00:12:22,327
Like I said, it was

493
00:12:20,201 --> 00:12:22,327
a complicated game.

494
00:12:22,327 --> 00:12:24,742
Although your old man

495
00:12:22,327 --> 00:12:24,742
did pick it up pretty quickly.

496
00:12:26,826 --> 00:12:27,951
Hey!

497
00:12:27,951 --> 00:12:30,034
You just won 300 bucks!

498
00:12:30,034 --> 00:12:32,368
I just lost $5,000.

499
00:12:32,368 --> 00:12:33,826
Oh, right.

500
00:12:32,368 --> 00:12:33,826
'Cause the chicken.

501
00:12:33,826 --> 00:12:36,076
Yep, that-that's

502
00:12:33,826 --> 00:12:36,076
$5,000, yeah.

503
00:12:38,034 --> 00:12:39,285
See, I'm laughing

504
00:12:39,285 --> 00:12:41,243
because you couldn't see me

505
00:12:39,285 --> 00:12:41,243
take my top off,

506
00:12:41,243 --> 00:12:43,451
but I just saw you

507
00:12:41,243 --> 00:12:43,451
lose your shirt.

508
00:12:41,243 --> 00:12:43,451
Hey-yo!

509
00:12:43,451 --> 00:12:45,160
We have to go back.

510
00:12:45,160 --> 00:12:47,076
Loser!

511
00:12:45,160 --> 00:12:47,076
Sorry, that was a real sneeze.

512
00:12:47,076 --> 00:12:49,618
Might have made you miss

513
00:12:47,076 --> 00:12:49,618
what I was saying.

514
00:12:49,618 --> 00:12:50,826
Loser!

515
00:12:50,826 --> 00:12:52,493
Loser.

516
00:12:52,493 --> 00:12:54,243
We're not going anywhere.

517
00:12:54,243 --> 00:12:57,034
I can still make

518
00:12:54,243 --> 00:12:57,034
this night legendary.

519
00:12:57,034 --> 00:12:59,034
Uh, uh...

520
00:13:01,243 --> 00:13:03,076
Oh, oh.

521
00:13:03,076 --> 00:13:05,618
Okay, I got some credit.

522
00:13:05,618 --> 00:13:07,451
I just... mm...

523
00:13:07,451 --> 00:13:09,285
Marshall, stand over there

524
00:13:07,451 --> 00:13:09,285
for good luck?

525
00:13:09,285 --> 00:13:10,409
Oh, sure.

526
00:13:15,285 --> 00:13:17,201
Okay, okay.

527
00:13:24,201 --> 00:13:26,784
Oh! Oh!

528
00:13:26,784 --> 00:13:29,576
You crazy son of a bitch,

529
00:13:26,784 --> 00:13:29,576
you did it!

530
00:13:29,576 --> 00:13:32,451
I just lost $80,000.

531
00:13:32,451 --> 00:13:34,076
Oh, right, right, yeah.

532
00:13:32,451 --> 00:13:34,076
'Cause the black jelly bean.

533
00:13:34,076 --> 00:13:35,451
That-That's $80,000.

534
00:13:34,076 --> 00:13:35,451
He's right.

535
00:13:37,160 --> 00:13:39,867
You know, Ralph,

536
00:13:39,867 --> 00:13:43,867
earlier at the salon, I

537
00:13:39,867 --> 00:13:43,867
waxed on, then waxed off.

538
00:13:43,867 --> 00:13:45,451
Everywhere.

539
00:13:45,451 --> 00:13:48,826
Uh, listen, lady,

540
00:13:45,451 --> 00:13:48,826
your husband is, like...

541
00:13:48,826 --> 00:13:51,076
Hey, where is

542
00:13:48,826 --> 00:13:51,076
your husband?

543
00:13:51,076 --> 00:13:52,160
Marshall?

544
00:13:52,160 --> 00:13:53,451
Where's Marshall?

545
00:13:53,451 --> 00:13:57,160
Okay, Lily,

546
00:13:53,451 --> 00:13:57,160
don't overreact, but...

547
00:13:57,742 --> 00:14:00,451
I can give you credit,

548
00:13:57,742 --> 00:14:00,451
but I need... collateral.

549
00:14:00,451 --> 00:14:01,867
Oh, oh.

550
00:14:01,867 --> 00:14:04,368
Okay, I got some credit.

551
00:14:04,368 --> 00:14:06,118
Marshall, stand over there

552
00:14:04,368 --> 00:14:06,118
for good luck?

553
00:14:06,118 --> 00:14:08,160
Oh, sure.

554
00:14:08,826 --> 00:14:11,409
Eighty thousand for

555
00:14:08,826 --> 00:14:11,409
The Blonde Dragon.

556
00:14:12,368 --> 00:14:14,201
You sold my husband?

557
00:14:14,201 --> 00:14:15,867
Lily, can you be more like

558
00:14:14,201 --> 00:14:15,867
the Chinese mobster

559
00:14:15,867 --> 00:14:17,493
and give me some credit?

560
00:14:17,493 --> 00:14:20,993
I'm going back for Marshall;

561
00:14:17,493 --> 00:14:20,993
I just need to get some money.

562
00:14:20,993 --> 00:14:23,951
You have nothing to worry about;

563
00:14:20,993 --> 00:14:23,951
these are the "good" mobsters.

564
00:14:23,951 --> 00:14:26,451
Wow, what kind of bozo

565
00:14:23,951 --> 00:14:26,451
does that to a friend?

566
00:14:26,451 --> 00:14:30,327
Shut it, Ralph Macchio!

567
00:14:26,451 --> 00:14:30,327
No, you shut it!

568
00:14:30,327 --> 00:14:33,742
Ralph Macchio's right,

569
00:14:30,327 --> 00:14:33,742
you are a bozo.

570
00:14:33,742 --> 00:14:35,951
Um, I think they prefer

571
00:14:33,742 --> 00:14:35,951
"people of bright color."

572
00:14:35,951 --> 00:14:37,451
You know what

573
00:14:35,951 --> 00:14:37,451
a bachelor party's about?

574
00:14:37,451 --> 00:14:40,118
Hanging out with your friends

575
00:14:37,451 --> 00:14:40,118
and having a good time.

576
00:14:40,118 --> 00:14:42,784
But you only care about

577
00:14:40,118 --> 00:14:42,784
the good time, not the friends.

578
00:14:42,784 --> 00:14:44,451
So you know what?

579
00:14:44,451 --> 00:14:46,243
I'm-I'm done

580
00:14:44,451 --> 00:14:46,243
caring about you then.

581
00:14:46,243 --> 00:14:47,784
I'm out of here.

582
00:14:47,784 --> 00:14:49,034
Ted...

583
00:14:50,993 --> 00:14:53,201
Ted, Ted, I have...

584
00:14:53,201 --> 00:14:55,533
I just tore your mom away

585
00:14:53,201 --> 00:14:55,533
from a living version

586
00:14:55,533 --> 00:14:58,742
of a Nick Nolte mug shot

587
00:14:55,533 --> 00:14:58,742
and put her in a cab home.

588
00:14:58,742 --> 00:15:00,243
Thank you for abandoning me

589
00:15:00,243 --> 00:15:03,201
on what has been one of

590
00:15:00,243 --> 00:15:03,201
the worst nights of my life.

591
00:15:03,201 --> 00:15:05,451
So, it's my usual fee,

592
00:15:03,201 --> 00:15:05,451
plus I always charge

593
00:15:05,451 --> 00:15:07,909
an extra hundred for

594
00:15:05,451 --> 00:15:07,909
girl-on-clown action.

595
00:15:07,909 --> 00:15:10,368
What the hell

596
00:15:07,909 --> 00:15:10,368
is she doing here?

597
00:15:10,368 --> 00:15:12,451
Robin, I swear,

598
00:15:10,368 --> 00:15:12,451
nothing happened.

599
00:15:12,451 --> 00:15:14,243
That means just hand stuff.

600
00:15:14,243 --> 00:15:16,409
You...!

601
00:15:14,243 --> 00:15:16,409
Oh!

602
00:15:16,409 --> 00:15:20,243
No, no, stop, stop, stop!

603
00:15:20,243 --> 00:15:21,451
Sorry, Barney,

604
00:15:21,451 --> 00:15:25,368
this... this-this is

605
00:15:21,451 --> 00:15:25,368
unforgivable.

606
00:15:25,368 --> 00:15:26,409
It's over.

607
00:15:28,951 --> 00:15:31,409
You know...

608
00:15:31,409 --> 00:15:33,409
I never got to do that.

609
00:15:42,993 --> 00:15:44,451
Ted?

610
00:15:44,451 --> 00:15:46,451
Robin.

611
00:15:46,451 --> 00:15:49,034
We're right on schedule.

612
00:15:52,826 --> 00:15:54,826
Barney is suicidal.

613
00:15:52,826 --> 00:15:54,826
I know, it's awesome!

614
00:15:56,285 --> 00:15:57,867
Yep, kids, we had planned out

615
00:15:57,867 --> 00:15:59,450
every step of the night.

616
00:15:59,450 --> 00:16:01,450
It started three weeks earlier.

617
00:16:01,450 --> 00:16:03,368
and you will disappoint me.

618
00:16:04,450 --> 00:16:06,450
But make it great, okay?

619
00:16:06,450 --> 00:16:08,450
Oh, it'll be great,

620
00:16:06,450 --> 00:16:08,450
all right!

621
00:16:08,450 --> 00:16:10,450
Okay, after two weeks

622
00:16:08,450 --> 00:16:10,450
of brainstorming,

623
00:16:10,450 --> 00:16:12,993
all I have on my list

624
00:16:10,450 --> 00:16:12,993
so far is Purell.

625
00:16:12,993 --> 00:16:14,327
Marshall, what

626
00:16:12,993 --> 00:16:14,327
do you got?

627
00:16:14,327 --> 00:16:16,450
Well, nothing now.

628
00:16:16,450 --> 00:16:18,285
This is impossible!

629
00:16:18,285 --> 00:16:20,450
How do you make something

630
00:16:18,285 --> 00:16:20,450
memorable for a guy

631
00:16:20,450 --> 00:16:22,450
who makes every night

632
00:16:20,450 --> 00:16:22,450
the best night of his life?

633
00:16:22,450 --> 00:16:25,118
Give him the worst night

634
00:16:22,450 --> 00:16:25,118
of his life.

635
00:16:25,409 --> 00:16:26,700
The Barney

636
00:16:26,700 --> 00:16:29,909
We'll give him

637
00:16:26,700 --> 00:16:29,909
the worst hotel room

638
00:16:29,909 --> 00:16:31,617
with the worst entertainment,

639
00:16:31,617 --> 00:16:33,492
the wrong Karate Kid,

640
00:16:33,492 --> 00:16:36,742
and the absolute last stripper

641
00:16:33,492 --> 00:16:36,742
he would want to see.

642
00:16:36,742 --> 00:16:40,450
Hold on. You want me to pretend

643
00:16:36,742 --> 00:16:40,450
my life's gone to crap

644
00:16:40,450 --> 00:16:43,450
and I'm back to stripping

645
00:16:40,450 --> 00:16:43,450
just screw with my ex-fiancé?

646
00:16:43,450 --> 00:16:45,742
I love it!

647
00:16:45,742 --> 00:16:48,450
That party will be so terrible,

648
00:16:45,742 --> 00:16:48,450
he'll have to leave it.

649
00:16:48,450 --> 00:16:52,368
Then I'll instruct

650
00:16:48,450 --> 00:16:52,368
his arch-nemesis to say...

651
00:16:52,368 --> 00:16:54,450
I mean, what kind of loser

652
00:16:52,368 --> 00:16:54,450
has his bachelor party

653
00:16:54,450 --> 00:16:57,327
ten yards from A.C.

654
00:16:54,450 --> 00:16:57,327
and doesn't even gamble?

655
00:16:57,327 --> 00:16:59,450
Barney will take

656
00:16:57,327 --> 00:16:59,450
the envelope of cash I gave him

657
00:16:59,450 --> 00:17:01,575
and head straight

658
00:16:59,450 --> 00:17:01,575
into our trap.

659
00:17:01,575 --> 00:17:02,867
Hold on.

660
00:17:02,867 --> 00:17:05,076
You want us to rig a casino game

661
00:17:05,076 --> 00:17:07,327
to trick one of

662
00:17:05,076 --> 00:17:07,327
our former high rollers?

663
00:17:07,327 --> 00:17:08,951
Um...

664
00:17:08,951 --> 00:17:10,118
I love it.

665
00:17:10,118 --> 00:17:11,450
Well, then

666
00:17:10,118 --> 00:17:11,450
you get Barney

667
00:17:11,450 --> 00:17:13,784
to use one of these

668
00:17:11,450 --> 00:17:13,784
guys as collateral.

669
00:17:13,784 --> 00:17:15,450
He'll probably

670
00:17:13,784 --> 00:17:15,450
choose me.

671
00:17:13,784 --> 00:17:15,450
What?

672
00:17:15,450 --> 00:17:16,575
Well, I'd be worth more.

673
00:17:16,575 --> 00:17:18,408
Yeah. Perfect teeth.

674
00:17:18,408 --> 00:17:20,201
Yeah, it's just, uh,

675
00:17:20,201 --> 00:17:21,450
just I'm way more athletic

676
00:17:20,201 --> 00:17:21,450
than you.

677
00:17:21,450 --> 00:17:23,076
Yeah, this coming

678
00:17:21,450 --> 00:17:23,076
from the guy

679
00:17:23,076 --> 00:17:25,076
who's never beaten me

680
00:17:23,076 --> 00:17:25,076
at skee-ball.

681
00:17:25,076 --> 00:17:27,327
The only reason a mobster

682
00:17:25,076 --> 00:17:27,327
might choose you is because

683
00:17:27,327 --> 00:17:29,408
they'd be afraid I'd go all

684
00:17:27,327 --> 00:17:29,408
"Marshall Unchained" on them,

685
00:17:29,408 --> 00:17:30,993
which obviously isn't

686
00:17:29,408 --> 00:17:30,993
a risk with you.

687
00:17:30,993 --> 00:17:33,909
Oh, you want to see

688
00:17:30,993 --> 00:17:33,909
some "Ted Unchained," huh?

689
00:17:33,909 --> 00:17:35,450
I'll show you Ted Unchained!

690
00:17:36,450 --> 00:17:37,909
Marshall, would you mind

691
00:17:37,909 --> 00:17:39,450
standing over there

692
00:17:37,909 --> 00:17:39,450
for good luck?

693
00:17:39,450 --> 00:17:41,160
Oh, yeah, sure.

694
00:17:45,450 --> 00:17:46,575
Meanwhile, I'll make sure

695
00:17:46,575 --> 00:17:49,617
he's abandoned me

696
00:17:46,575 --> 00:17:49,617
in my nightmare scenario.

697
00:17:49,617 --> 00:17:52,784
Hold on. You want me to

698
00:17:49,617 --> 00:17:52,784
help you trick my own son?

699
00:17:53,951 --> 00:17:55,243
I love it.

700
00:17:55,243 --> 00:17:57,160
Barney deserves it.

701
00:17:57,160 --> 00:17:59,450
You know, he told me

702
00:17:57,160 --> 00:17:59,450
you were a virgin.

703
00:17:59,450 --> 00:18:00,575
Ridiculous!

704
00:18:00,575 --> 00:18:02,201
I know.

705
00:18:02,201 --> 00:18:06,408
You are a dirty ho-bag

706
00:18:02,201 --> 00:18:06,408
just like me.

707
00:18:06,408 --> 00:18:07,617
But he loves you so much.

708
00:18:07,617 --> 00:18:08,784
And so do I.

709
00:18:11,450 --> 00:18:13,408
Wait, hold on.

710
00:18:11,450 --> 00:18:13,408
Is there any chance

711
00:18:13,408 --> 00:18:16,076
this is all too

712
00:18:13,408 --> 00:18:16,076
mean to Barney?

713
00:18:19,408 --> 00:18:20,867
Just kidding.

714
00:18:20,867 --> 00:18:22,533
Okay, we just need

715
00:18:20,867 --> 00:18:22,533
the finale.

716
00:18:22,533 --> 00:18:24,784
Oh! The Chinese mobsters

717
00:18:22,533 --> 00:18:24,784
chop off my hand

718
00:18:24,784 --> 00:18:26,201
right in front of Barney!

719
00:18:27,408 --> 00:18:29,408
Yes, we're all

720
00:18:27,408 --> 00:18:29,408
equally enthused!

721
00:18:31,450 --> 00:18:33,450
Okay, here's the plan.

722
00:18:31,450 --> 00:18:33,450
After I storm off...

723
00:18:33,450 --> 00:18:35,450
Barney!

724
00:18:35,450 --> 00:18:37,450
Barney, hurry!

725
00:18:35,450 --> 00:18:37,450
Give them the money!

726
00:18:37,450 --> 00:18:39,450
Please, hurry!

727
00:18:37,450 --> 00:18:39,450
Oh, no!

728
00:18:39,450 --> 00:18:41,450
The Chinese mobster

729
00:18:39,450 --> 00:18:41,450
is giving Marshall back

730
00:18:41,450 --> 00:18:42,909
and taking me hostage instead,

731
00:18:42,909 --> 00:18:45,450
because he says

732
00:18:42,909 --> 00:18:45,450
I'm obviously more valuable!

733
00:18:45,450 --> 00:18:47,450
Can you, can you

734
00:18:45,450 --> 00:18:47,450
unlock the door?

735
00:18:47,450 --> 00:18:50,450
Barney, please! They're gonna

736
00:18:47,450 --> 00:18:50,450
chop off my hand!

737
00:18:50,450 --> 00:18:52,826
No, they're not!

738
00:18:50,450 --> 00:18:52,826
They said you're free,

739
00:18:50,450 --> 00:18:52,826
and I think

740
00:18:52,826 --> 00:18:54,909
we agreed that's not

741
00:18:52,826 --> 00:18:54,909
something mobsters would do.

742
00:18:54,909 --> 00:18:56,659
Ted, come on!

743
00:18:54,909 --> 00:18:56,659
This is my thing!

744
00:18:56,659 --> 00:18:57,909
Don't hurt him.

745
00:18:57,909 --> 00:18:59,201
I've got the money.

746
00:18:59,201 --> 00:19:00,450
Too late!

747
00:19:03,450 --> 00:19:05,408
Not my skee-ball hand!

748
00:19:06,450 --> 00:19:08,450
No...!

749
00:19:06,450 --> 00:19:08,450
No...!

750
00:19:08,450 --> 00:19:09,867
No!

751
00:19:11,492 --> 00:19:13,867
Please, just don't shoot me

752
00:19:11,492 --> 00:19:13,867
in the face... or the crotch!

753
00:19:13,867 --> 00:19:16,284
Surprise!

754
00:19:16,284 --> 00:19:18,617
What's going on?

755
00:19:18,617 --> 00:19:20,450
Well, we decided to give you

756
00:19:20,450 --> 00:19:22,450
everything you wanted

757
00:19:20,450 --> 00:19:22,450
for your bachelor party

758
00:19:22,450 --> 00:19:24,408
without you even realizing it.

759
00:19:26,492 --> 00:19:30,450
Wait, so that's why you made me

760
00:19:26,492 --> 00:19:30,450
think Marshall might die?

761
00:19:30,450 --> 00:19:33,284
And I'd lost all that money

762
00:19:30,450 --> 00:19:33,284
and my friends hated me

763
00:19:33,284 --> 00:19:34,867
and my wedding was off?

764
00:19:34,867 --> 00:19:36,284
You just decided

765
00:19:36,284 --> 00:19:37,700
to-to check off

766
00:19:37,700 --> 00:19:39,826
everything on this list

767
00:19:37,700 --> 00:19:39,826
in the most

768
00:19:39,826 --> 00:19:42,450
twisted way imaginable?

769
00:19:42,450 --> 00:19:44,909
That is awesome!

770
00:19:44,909 --> 00:19:48,160
And it was all planned

771
00:19:44,909 --> 00:19:48,160
by a girl.

772
00:19:48,160 --> 00:19:50,367
Wow!

773
00:19:51,367 --> 00:19:53,575
So, Lily...

774
00:19:53,575 --> 00:19:55,492
later on tonight,

775
00:19:53,575 --> 00:19:55,492
you want to, um...?

776
00:19:55,492 --> 00:19:57,742
Whoa, whoa, whoa.

777
00:19:57,742 --> 00:20:00,284
That was all just

778
00:19:57,742 --> 00:20:00,284
part of the act.

779
00:20:00,284 --> 00:20:01,617
Y-You knew that, right?

780
00:20:02,575 --> 00:20:04,367
Yeah! Totally.

781
00:20:04,367 --> 00:20:05,993
We pulled it off, right?

782
00:20:05,993 --> 00:20:07,408
Platonic shake!

783
00:20:13,450 --> 00:20:19,326
Everyone, everyone, thank you

784
00:20:13,450 --> 00:20:19,326
for an incredible bro mitzvah.

785
00:20:19,326 --> 00:20:20,450
Mazel brov!

786
00:20:20,450 --> 00:20:21,951
Mazel brov!

787
00:20:23,951 --> 00:20:26,160
Mm, oh, you didn't really get

788
00:20:23,951 --> 00:20:26,160
everything on the list.

789
00:20:26,160 --> 00:20:27,200
N-No offense

790
00:20:27,200 --> 00:20:28,450
to Ralph Macchio,

791
00:20:28,450 --> 00:20:30,533
but he ain't the Karate Kid.

792
00:20:30,533 --> 00:20:32,533
I couldn't agree

793
00:20:30,533 --> 00:20:32,533
with you more.

794
00:20:34,450 --> 00:20:37,450
You know,

795
00:20:34,450 --> 00:20:37,450
they almost didn't get me.

796
00:20:39,450 --> 00:20:43,408
But after

797
00:20:39,450 --> 00:20:43,408
18 voice mails...

798
00:20:43,408 --> 00:20:45,909
I returned Robin's call.

799
00:20:45,909 --> 00:20:47,659
And she told me

800
00:20:47,659 --> 00:20:50,450
how you're one of the

801
00:20:47,659 --> 00:20:50,450
few people in the world

802
00:20:50,450 --> 00:20:52,492
who truly gets

803
00:20:50,450 --> 00:20:52,492
The Karate Kid movie.

804
00:20:53,617 --> 00:20:57,617
So when she asked if I'd help,

805
00:20:57,617 --> 00:20:59,617
well, my answer

806
00:20:57,617 --> 00:20:59,617
just had to be...

807
00:21:01,993 --> 00:21:03,742
Hai!

808
00:21:03,742 --> 00:21:06,408
William Zabka!