Kids, Barney and Robin's
wedding turned out
to be a life-changing
weekend for all of us.
Well, not just us.
One ticket to Farhampton,
please.
But I'll get to that.
- Who are you honking at?
- You.
You're going 40 in a 65.
Pick it up, Grandma!
Look, I'm happy to rock it up
into the 50s,
but I'm gonna need a hand...
or two.
Oh, no. Not the driving gloves.
In 99.9% of highway accidents,
the driver was not
wearing gloves.
Because they're stupid.
They don't help you
drive better.
That's why no one wears them.
Then why is it called...
the glove compartment?
I am not
having this argument again.
Now, as you know, a Mosby
road trip is not only safe,
but informative.
Chiggedy-check it.
Manhattan to Farhampton:
Lil' and Ted's
Excellent Adventure?
That baby's stuffed to the rings
with fun facts
about our unsung neighbor
to the east... Long Island.
For instance, just up
ahead, the historic
childhood home of
Florian van Otterloop,
the Dutch bucklesmith
who revolutionized
the belt industry.
Uh, fun story
about that color-blind genius.
- When he...
- Please stop!
Well, I was just gonna
slow down for pictures,
but that level of enthusiasm
can't go unrewarded.
Hmm.
Oh, look at my
little cousins
in their flower
girl dresses.
Aw, they'll look so cute
next to the ring bear.
Yeah.
Wait, you said ring
bear-er, right?
Ring bear.
Ring
bear-er.
Ring bear.
Are you planning
some crazy stunt
with a dangerous wild animal
at our wedding?
Because...
Oh, oh, sorry,
sorry, sorry, sorry.
Oh, boy.
My brother wants to know
what time he "goes on"
at the reception.
What does that mean?
Every wedding he attends,
James insists on... performing.
So? What do you got
against K-Rodge?
Everybody loves
The Gambler.
Wait for it.
That is nothing.
I have invited Scherbatskys
from all over Canada,
and they are Canuckin' nuts.
Like my cousin Ruth
from the Yukon.
I don't like to encourage
Canadian stereotypes,
but that woman
practically rides a moose.
Does she actually ride a moose?
Yeah.
And, uh,
I'm worried she'll bring it
to the wedding.
She and the moose are...
very close.
Whoa.
Every wedding's got a wild card,
but we've invited a whole set.
(accordion playing
"Wedding March")
Someone is gonna
ruin this wedding.
It's just a question
of... who.
I'm gonna ruin this wedding!
My wife is
gonna kill me!
Flight attendants
prepare for departure.
We were gonna move to
Italy for her dream job,
so I brought my son
here to Minnesota
to see my mom
before we left.
And then I got offered
a job as a judge
in New York City,
which is my dream.
But that'll totally
destroy her dream!
You are destroying
a lot of dreams right now.
Wait.
If I got this...
Aren't you gonna
check that?
No.
It-It's just another
obnoxious update
from Marshall's mom.
She's been posting
these "cute" baby pics
of Marvin,
but it's all just propaganda.
First, it was
"Don't move to Italy."
Followed by an extremely subtle
guilt trip.
And then, randomly preachy.
Nah, not looking.
It's just gonna piss me off.
Why are we exiting again?
Well, if you turn in your binder
to the section labeled
"Mennonite Windmills..."
Get back on the expressway now.
The expressway's
for gloveless amateurs.
I'm done.
There's a train station
coming up; just drop me off.
Okay, but some newfangled
train's not gonna stop
at the 40-foot-tall
butter churn in Ronkonkoma!
Yes, but unlike any of
your 18th-century stops,
at least the train will have
a 21st-century toilet!
You're a 21st-century toilet!
Train now!
Fine!
Okay, so far,
I've got 12 wild cards,
not counting the ring bear.
Ring bear-er.
Oh, oh, here's another one.
You know how I found out
that I'm one-quarter Canadian
but I've completely
blocked that out
because your nation's ridiculous
and I'm awesome?
Sure.
Well, turns out,
I have a crazy cousin Mitch
on that side of the family.
That's funny.
I have a crazy
cousin Mitch, too.
But I guarantee
he is crazier than yours.
He built his own house
from timber he chopped down
from other people's houses.
That's funny.
My cousin Mitch
is a lumberjack.
Except mine has six fingers.
On one hand or total?
Total.
Are truckers always
beating him up?
Yes, because he has to...
hitchhike
with his middle finger.
Wait.
Is it possible that we're...
Could... c-could...
could we be...?
Shh...
Ranjit, could you be a dear
and pull over for a second?
Pulling over!
All right, train.
Let's show your critics you're
not just a Dumpster on wheels
full of drunk idiots.
We're being held at this station
until further notice.
I got to sober up.
Eriksen residence,
Judy speaking.
Why did you post
that judge photo?
Because I'm guilty...
of being one proud mama!
Lily doesn't know
that I took the job,
so if she sees it,
I'm dead.
Just take it down, okay?
Fine.
Let me just get on the online
so I can Internet.
I love the lingo!
Look, Mom,
just-just...
click on the photo
on your wall,
and then under "menu,"
click on "options."
Some kind of advertisement
popped on.
Oh, my.
That appears to be pornography.
Just click
on "options."
It's men with other men.
Just click on "options"!
Excuse me!
Are there any other seats
left on this plane?
No.
Hell, I've been
going to Pilates.
I can just hang on
to the landing gear like this.
Sorry, ma'am.
I only signed up for Pilates,
I haven't actually
started going yet.
I didn't sign up.
No, I'm not looking.
I don't need to see
my child used against me.
My sweet, beautiful child
who I haven't seen in a week...
whose head smells like love
and unicorn teardrops,
and why are trains
so lonely?
Damn it, I'm looking!
Hey, are you okay?
You look stressed.
Plus, you muttered
a few words out loud.
I heard "lonely" and "unicorn,"
which actually gave me
a great idea
for a children's book,
so thank you.
Are you okay?
No.
But there's nothing you can do.
Do you want a cookie?
Yes.
Yes, I do.
Wow.
You just took a cookie
from a complete stranger
on a train.
I like how trusting you are.
There could be drugs
or poison in there.
But there's not, is there?
No idea,
I found them under my seat.
No!
Kidding! Sorry!
You looked stressed, so I
thought you could use a cookie,
then I thought
you could use a joke.
I should have stopped
at the cookie.
You know what?
I don't care
if these are poisoned.
There's chocolate
and peanut butter
and caramel in these sumbitches.
I call them "Sumbitches"!
And that's how Lily
met your mother.
Are Cousin Mitch and I
directly related?
No, Mom, I'm asking
is Cousin Mitch
a blood relative?
I'm not asking
about Cousin Pete,
I'm asking about Cousin Robin!
Mitch! Cousin Mitch!
Well, just find out
from Uncle Frank
and call me back!
Well, then, go
visit Cousin Cecil
at his sky-diving school
and ask him!
Oh, God, he did?
Well, I guess that can happen
no matter
how experienced you are.
I'm so sorry.
My cousin Cecil...
got fired.
Oh.
That's a relief.
He was so distraught, he jumped
off a bridge; he's dead.
Um... I'm so sorry
for your loss.
It may be
our loss.
Just click
on "options"!
All I see is a man
holding a bratwurst!
Oh.
No, the pornography's back.
I said, please turn off
all electronic devices.
Oh.
This isn't an
electronic device.
This is actually a toy.
For my son.
We call it Phone-y.
I call you phony.
We can't take off
till you hang up.
Okay, enough.
Give me that phone!
Just click
on "options."
I don't see it!
- I'm trying.
- I said, give me the phone!
Just click
on "options"!
Stop yelling at me!
Just click
on "options."
Give me the phone.
Click on "options"!
- I don't see it.
- Click on... I have a baby!
Please, I-I have to get
to New York.
Yeah, well, you should
have thought about that
before you attacked me.
All right, boys,
you got this?
Good.
- Let's get this bird
in the air.
- Ah, you're both
banned from this flight.
So I was driving with my
friend, who thinks he's
"The Road Trip Master."
He has leather driving gloves.
Who wears those?
Huge dorks, that's who.
Your mother was lying.
She had her own pair.
And he always makes us stop
to see some weird
roadside attraction
no one except him
gives a crap about.
Nerd alert.
Kids, you remember
the seven-hour detour
on our road trip
to Disney World
so your mother didn't miss
that goat in South Carolina
who could blow smoke rings.
And he won't go one mile an hour
over the speed limit.
That would drive me crazy.
I would give him
a humiliating nickname
until he stopped driving
like a little girl.
It was "Lady Tedwina Slowsby."
And it worked.
Okay, look, if it's
true, if we are...
You know.
It's really not that big a deal.
Okay, we-we know
we won't have kids.
And even if we did,
King Joffrey's parents
were brother and sister,
and he was
a fair and wise leader.
Yeah. Look, no one
ever needs to know but us.
Exactly.
I know.
We might have to...
Take care of Ranjit.
Hey, you just finished my...
Creepy telepathic
murder thought.
Oh, it must be
a soul mate thing.
Unless...
it's a weird cousin thing.
So we'll be good
either way, right?
Honey?
That's right... sweetie.
Now, get over here, you.
Gah, just try
and stop me.
- Aw.
- Ooh, ooh.
Ooh, mmm, mmm, mmm.
Well, I can't wait
till tonight.
I have got some
naughty-naughty-naughty
things planned.
Aw.
Oh, wow, you have certainly
piqued my incest.
Interest. Interest!
I still can't believe he dragged
me to the childhood home
of some stupid bucklesmith
no one's ever even heard of.
Yeah, who cares
about Florian van Otterloop?
I never told you his name.
Sumbitch?
I mean, why'd he have to
act that way?
He knows I hate
how he gets on road trips.
It almost seems like
he wanted you to storm off.
But we're going
to the same place.
There's no reason
why he'd want to ditch me.
And suddenly Lily remembered
that a week ago,
I'd helped Robin look
for her long-lost locket.
But it was gone.
Then Lily told me
the locket actually got stashed
in my pencil box,
but when I opened it...
the locket wasn't there.
Good.
'Cause that locket's trouble.
How? It's-it's just a friendly,
innocent wedding gift.
It's not innocent.
Ted, you think
if you can get that locket
for Robin you'll win her back.
Lily, I've let it go.
- I mean...
- What?
There's, like,
a one percent chance
that Stella has the locket
from when we lived together.
Promise me you didn't call
the woman who left you
at the altar so that
you could find that locket.
Of course not.
I e-mailed her.
Ted.
But Stella's living
in L.A. now.
And even if she has it,
it's buried
in some storage unit.
She said I'd have
to fly out there
and look for it myself.
Promise me you aren't
about to do that.
I promise.
Sumbitch!
You better hope when Sweaty
finally gets off that phone,
he can get me on the next flight
to New York.
I got the password
from my mom.
I'm gonna take that
photo down myself.
You know, I don't give
a damn about your photo.
My daughter is giving
a big speech for the Model U.N.
at her school, and I'm
gonna miss it because of you.
Her father and I are separated.
She lives with her dad.
And if I don't make it...
she's never gonna
trust me again.
I'm so sorry.
Wow, that worked on you?
Let's hope Pit Stains
is as dumb as you are.
What? Why is this
so hard for my mom?
All you do
is you click the photo,
and then you click on the...
I don't see...
I don't see "options."
Just click on "options."
But where is it?
Just click on "options."
Is it up on the toolbar?
- Just click on "options."
- It's not there!
Just click on "options"!
Hi, Grandma.
You-you can explain how
Cousin Mitch is related to us?
Explain, Grandma, explain!
Okay, he married
Barney's dad's cousin Renee,
who he met selling Vachon cakes
outside a curling bonspiel
in Chicoutimi.
English, Grandma, English!
And on our side of the family,
he was adopted
because his real parents
were eaten alive
by their sled dogs?
That's awesome!
Thanks, Grandma.
So...
So you and I share
no DNA whatsoever.
Let's change that.
Don't hold back.
This divider is
totally soundproof.
Go all the way.
Wait till the hotel?
Totally.
Hey, you know what?
I'm not worried about a wild
card at our wedding anymore.
Whether it's Uncle Vic
or Aunt Shelly
or the ring bear.
Ring bear-er. Er.
Whether any
of those mammals go rogue,
our wedding is
gonna be legendary.
No "wait for it"?
I've got you.
I don't have to
wait for it anymore.
It's a long story,
but if we don't beat my friend
out to that wedding,
it's gonna be bad.
This is too stressful.
I-I need to see Marvin!
No! You made me promise
not to let you look,
because it's
only gonna upset you.
Here, have another sum... bitch.
No more sumbitches?
Give me the damn phone!
Just go to "edit"
on the toolbar!
No, "account settings"!
Just click
on "options."
Stop!
It can't be done.
That photo is etched
in eternity.
Long after humanity's
reign has ended,
the only traces
of our civilization found
by Earth's new ape masters
will be
the top
of the Statue of Liberty
and this photo of me
pretending to be
a judge with a banana gavel.
Well, they'll probably like
the banana thing.
The ape masters?
- Sorry.
- Lily's gonna see it,
and we're gonna have
the biggest fight of our lives.
Oh, I wish I could
see your wife kick your ass.
I don't mean a physical fight.
She's not an animal.
I'm sorry I tried
to bite you.
I'm sorry that I swatted you
on the nose
with a rolled-up magazine.
It's the only way I'll learn.
Look, I haven't seen
my baby in a week.
You know what?
Go for it.
It's gone!
You did it!
No new insulting Marvin photo.
Hmm.
No new insulting Marvin photo.
I know I'm just a stranger
on a train
who you tried to bite, but...
do you want a hug?
Lily! What the hell?
Ted and I had some
road trip issues.
Did he put on the gloves?
Mm-hmm.
That tackle was justified.
What's this?
It's for you.
Don't open it.
With all
the big changes coming up,
I just wanted Robin
to remember her friends.
We all want nothing but
happiness for you and Barney.
Right, Lily?
Right.
Oh, wow.
That was, what, eight years ago?
Yeah.
Eight years.
Thanks, Ted.
I'm gonna...
I'm gonna get checked in.
Okay.
Marshall's flight just took off.
My boys will be here soon.
Oh, yay.
Actually, Lily's boys were
just learning there was
only one more flight
to New York with one seat left,
and it was all the way
across the airport.
You're not gonna
tackle me again, are you?
I'm the maid of honor.
There's a good chance
that won't be
my only tackle of the weekend.
It wasn't.
Look, I'm sorry.
I just got it in my head
that you somehow managed
to track down that locket
in Los Angeles,
and now you were gonna
blow up the wedding.
You really think I'm that crazy?
I guess that's fair.
Look, even though I was wrong,
tell me you aren't thinking
about doing anything
insane this weekend.
Of course not.
And all I can say, kids,
is at that moment,
I really thought I meant it.
But the truth is...
you never know
who's gonna be the wild card
at a wedding.
Hi. One ticket
to Los Angeles, please.