So, the hairdresser shows up
at 2:00 on Sunday.
Great, and while you do that,
I'll check in
on the ring bear.
I'm sorry.
You're saying
"ring bearer," right?
Ring bear.
Okay, look into my eyes and say,
"I promise that I'm not bringing
a dangerous wild animal
to our wedding."
I...
Oh, that's the shuttle
with our elderly relatives
pulling up.
There's nine steps between
the bus and that front door,
which means we've only got
about 45 minutes
until they get inside.
We won't have a
moment to ourselves
once those old bastards
latch onto us like leeches,
but they're family
and I love them.
Living link to history.
Oh, God.
This is gonna be rough.
My great-grandparents
never stop bickering,
but I guess that's
what happens when you've
been married for 60 years.
60 years.
Man, when was the last time
you think they had sex?
Probably not since the
Maple Leafs won the cup.
1967.
That's not gonna be us, right?
Like, when we get married,
it's not all fighting, no sex?
What? No way.
It's us, R-Train and B-Nasty.
That will never happen.
We have to have sex right now.
Aw.
Kids, as you recall,
Uncle Marshall
had gotten kicked off
his flight home from Minnesota
and was now high-tailing it
across the country
with another stranded traveler
named Daphne.
How's it going, baby?
Fine.
Except the flames of Lucifer
keep singeing our back bumper
as we drive
through this hellish,
cheese-infested wasteland.
Wisconsin?
Wisconsin!
Packers country.
But don't worry,
the Eriksen men are repping
the purple and gold
like two bosses.
Go, Vikings!
And how are you doing, Daphne?
Not bad, considering
Marshall's been spouting
Vikings trivia
for the last hour.
Do you know
"I don't care"
led the league last year
in "dumb sports stuff"?
Anyways, listen,
I should be back in time
for the rehearsal dinner
tomorrow.
Oh, the rehearsal dinner.
Daphne, you should have seen
the dress I was gonna wear.
Up top,
it packed the gals together
like opening night
of a Sex and the City movie.
And down south,
it made mama look like a dream
Sir Mix-A-Lot would never want
to wake up from.
Ooh, what happened
to that dress?
The drunks at the dry cleaners
destroyed it.
Thank you, Linus.
Okay, Lily, I have to go.
I have to alert the villagers
that there is
a Viking amongst them.
Marshall's driving
through Wisconsin?
Yep.
Ooh, is that
your toast?
Uh... yeah.
Yeah, I'm just
gonna wing mine.
'Cause if you get up there
and speak from the heart...
things good...
mouth words...
memory
times.
Can I take a peek
at your speech?
Uh, no. I...
"Have a drink
with my favorite students,
see one last sunset
over the Hudson."
Ted, your speech sucks.
Well, it's no "mouth words,
memory times."
But if you must know,
it's, uh... it's not a speech.
What is it, then?
A week before the wedding,
I realized I couldn't stay
in New York any longer.
So I decided to start fresh
in Chicago.
It's a list of all the things
I want to do
before I leave New York.
Okay, I don't know
which I hate more:
the fact that you're moving away
or the fact that I'm the only
one that knows about it.
Why won't you tell anyone?
You don't drop a bombshell like
that this close to a wedding.
No, that's an excuse. You have
been avoiding Barney and Robin
since the carousel.
And now
on Monday,
you're running away to Chicago.
I'm not running away.
I'm moving on.
This list isn't written by
someone who's ready to move on.
It's written by someone
who loves New York.
I mean, "Fix graffiti
on 96th and Amsterdam"?
I hated looking at it.
"Buy the whole bar
a round of drinks."
Mm-hmm.
Hey, everyone.
Next round's on me!
Yeah!
Ted?
Hey, everyone.
Next round's on me!
Can I have a double bourbon...
No doubles!
"Say good-bye
to the Empire State Building."
Bro.
What?
Sometimes I go...
talk to her about life.
And I just hate the thought
of leaving you, Empy,
but my gut tells me
my future's in Chicago.
What do you think?
You need to move.
Oh, my God, r-really?
Are-are you sure?
Yeah, I'm sure.
You can't just
stand there talking
to a building and petting it.
Wait, are you one
of those freaks
who's sexually attracted
to buildings?
An objectophiliac?
No way.
Then why do you know
what they're called?
Why do you know
what they're called?
Wait. Wait, wait. You know
what would really prove
we're not some old
married couple?
Mmm.
Doing it somewhere
we're not supposed to.
No, not what I mean.
Oh.
Like the elevator
or the pool cabana.
Uh, how about the roof?
Oh...
Who gets married this far away?
And the humidity.
They're here.
What do you say we make
this bang a home game?
Yes.
We're locked out.
I guess we could try
the back door.
Of our suite.
Oh.
There's a back door.
No, I locked it.
Okay, it's fine.
We'll race down
to the front desk
and get a key
before anyone notices us.
Too late. It's like we're
in a zombie movie.
Seriously.
They move at
a slow shuffle,
they moan a lot and,
if given the chance,
they chew your ear off.
But they're family
and I love 'em.
Their wisdom is priceless.
"Finally tell
my upstairs neighbor
how I've been feeling
all this time."
Yeah.
Hi. Um, I live
downstairs,
and, well, I've always wanted
to say this to you, but...
I've never had the guts.
So here goes.
Are your shoes made of lead?
Because you are the loudest
upstairs neighbor in history!
Oh, oh, and you suck
at the bongos! But, hey...
keep practicing!
In the middle of the night!
Before any important interview
I've ever had!
"Come clean about April 26."
What happened April 26?
Uh...
Can you believe people used to
actually swim in those things?
(old-
"Meet me at Coney Island, see?
"I'll be doing the Charleston
atop my giant-wheeled bicycle
in an era where folks
inexplicably talked like this."
Ted.
Whoa.
Hey.
Hey, bud, I was just
about to take, uh,
Lily's rehearsal dinner dress
to the dry cleaner.
Oh, that's too bad.
Because, uh, I was just watching
The Princess Bride
when something occurred to me.
How, at the end, Andre the Giant
hooks 'em up with those horses
and then Inigo Montoya is like,
"Fezzik, you did something
right." And it's like,
"Bro, Andre's been doing
stuff right the whole movie:
"knocking out serpents,
busting down castle doors,
"basically carrying your
revenge-and-sangria-soaked ass,
"so instead of being
a patronizing jerk,
"how about a simple,
'Hey, thanks
for the horses, bro.'"
That's totally
what you were thinking, right?
No, I... No, I came over...
God, that's a really good point.
Yeah.
But here's my point.
And your point.
Why haven't we done this
in forever?
Ted, you know damn well
why we haven't.
Sorry, Lily.
I almost killed my wife, Ted!
I almost killed my wife!
I almost...
Yah!
"Hello!
My name is Inigo Montoya!"
"You killed my father."
"Prepare to die!"
Whoa.
You son of a bitch.
I loved that dress
you cut in half.
It was the perfect combination
of slutty and classy.
Well, what about
your backup dress?
Oh, it's just classy, Ted!
Thank you, Linus.
Look, I'm really sorry.
No, it's not good enough.
Since I'm being
forced to wear something
I don't want to,
you should have to wear
something you don't
want to.
Why am I the only one
being punished?
Marshall's just as responsible
for your dress as I am.
Yeah, but he's
in the middle of Wisconsin.
How am I gonna punish...
Say cheese!
Go, Pack, go!
I'm sorry, Dad.
There's got to be someplace
to bang around here.
I'm starving.
I knew we should've hit
the buffet when...
Don't say "buffet."
That attracts old people.
Same goes for "coupon,"
"60 Minutes"
and "Mandy Patinkin."
W... Robin,
you're being paranoid.
Old people don't magically
sense it
when you say "Mandy Patinkin."
Patinkin...
Oh, quick, the ice machine room.
It's too cold
for them in there.
Oh.
I'll protect you, Robin.
You'll always be safe with me.
Take her!
You bitches best get out
of my hiding spot.
The only thing not checked off
on this list is
"scotch with Barney."
That's the easiest one on here.
You are avoiding him.
I'm not. We've both been busy.
Besides, Marshall and I
are saving that scotch
to have a drink with Barney
before the rehearsal dinner.
Because it's not just
any bottle.
It's a $600
Glen McKenna 30-year.
What I didn't know
at the time was...
I told those idiots these
death rods are not welcome here.
What is it with
dudes and swords?
Oh, this is fun.
Oh, yeah, and it's so cool
when I go like this.
Hi. My name is Rodrigo DeGoya.
You killed someone I love!
Prepare to dance!
Yes, kids, that's what
your Aunt Lily
thought the line was.
Ha! Whoo!
Ha!
We'll switch it with this
cheap bottle of whiskey.
You peel the label
off the Glen McKenna.
On it!
Then we'll pour the... Robin!
Damn, that's smooth.
Pour it into
the other bottle!
Wait. The color's
not dark enough.
Still not right.
I think it was a
little redder.
Mm-hmm.
Okay, now
the consistency's off.
Yeah.
Looks good.
I mean, look at the color.
It's almost
chocolaty in its richness.
The reddish hue.
Something that looks
sort of clumpy.
Oh, yeah, I-I read about that.
Isn't the Highland region
known for its clumps?
Thanks, Lily.
I'm very aware
of the Highland Clumps.
You know what?
I think I'm gonna sneak a taste.
What? But-but Marshall's
not even here yet!
Ah, a quick nip won't hurt.
Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho!
She's breathtaking.
You avoiding
the family, too?
I'm gay, I'm black,
and I'm getting a divorce.
Those walking skeletons are
gonna have more questions for me
than their pharmacist.
But they're family
and I love 'em.
The greatest generation.
Smother me before
I'm that age.
What are you two doing?
Oh, we're trying
to do it
someplace naughty.
Not what I mean!
That-that is never
what I mean!
We're trying to sneak in
one last bang
'cause we're afraid
that the magic
might fade
after we get married.
Are we being crazy?
That is what happened
with me and Tom.
But it doesn't mean
it's gonna happen to you.
I won't let it.
Whoa-whoa, you can't
go out there.
It's suicide.
Consider it
your early wedding gift.
Why does the brother
always die first?
Aunt Muriel!
Aunt Muriel?
James!
Where's Tom?
I have a gay question for you.
How do you decide
which one...?
No, no...
No!
He's gone, Barney.
He's gone.
James!
Okay, you go check out
the second floor
for open rooms.
I'm gonna go
check out the gym.
No, no, no, that
gym has a sauna!
You know my Papa Sid can't go
ten minutes without a schvitz!
What about the
gazebo out back?
Next to the lawn bowling court?
Get your head out of your ass.
It looks like they're casting
Cocoon Three out there.
Oh, what about
the business center?
A room full of computers?
That's perfect.
Technology is their
compression-sock-covered
Achilles' Heel!
Whoa.
What?
Stay safe, R-Train.
You too, B-Nasty.
Mmm...
Ah!
Ooh, my, I found Waldo.
What's this list?
Whose is this?
I was faced with a tough call:
come clean about Chicago
or cleverly lie my way
out of it.
Oh, well, you see...
mouth words...
memory times...
It's mine. It's my list.
It's everything I want to do
before I go to Italy.
Oh. You want to say good-bye
to the Empire State Building?
Sometimes I go
and I talk to Empy.
That's kind of weird.
Is "weird" the right word?
Seems pretty
reasonable to me.
Maybe even kind of cool.
"Have a drink
with my favorite students."
Lily, you taught kindergarten.
That does seem
pretty irresponsible.
"Come clean about April 26."
You told Ted
about our sword fight?
Wait... you-you guys
had a sword fight?
Maybe a tiny one.
I was pretending
to be Mandy Patinkin.
Patinkin.
But it was no big deal.
No big deal?
We destroyed
their 30-year Glen McKenna
and replaced it with cheap
booze, ketchup and hand sanny.
I knew it!
You knew nothing!
Hello.
The third floor's a ghost town,
tons of empty rooms to bang in.
Hurry. I've started without you.
I mean, I love you.
Got to go.
Bye.
We made it.
Remind me to put
a five-dollar bill in
Barney's wedding card,
you know,
to get 'em started.
No, Elizabeth.
Leave the dentures in.
Mmm!
I never want to have sex again.
Aw.
They broke our $600
bottle of scotch?
Well, I'm not wearing
this abomination anymore.
Put it back on.
I can't believe my great-
grandparents still do that.
I never imagined
a walker being used
for anything
other than walking.
Plus, how about those balls
dragging all over the ground?
Barney.
No, the tennis balls
on the bottom of the walker.
Plus, his testicles were
swinging like a broken yo-yo.
Still, when you
think about it:
married for 60 years
and they still want to
jump each other's bones.
I mean... it's
kind of sweet.
In 60 years,
that'll be us, right?
Yeah, it will.
So, what do you think, hmm?
On the count of three?
Hmm, okay.
Okay.
One, two, three.
Mandy Patinkin.
Oh, wow.
Look at you.
Thank you for
making it...
We got lucky.
The Farhampton Liquor Store
is actually pretty high-end.
Oh.
And their security
is a total joke.
Thanks.
And thanks for not telling Robin
the list was mine.
But I don't get it.
You're so against me moving.
Why'd you help me out?
For a guy who loves New York
this much,
to leave it,
you must really need to go, huh?
Yeah, I really do.
Okay, but there's still
one item left on this list.
Time to check it off.
Yeah, I should
probably wait
for Marshall.
Well, we both know
he may not get here in time.
Be honest.
Have you been avoiding Barney?
Maybe a little.
This is the biggest weekend
of his life,
and you're his best bro.
No matter how awkward you feel,
if you're not there for him,
you will always regret it.
Okay.
Hey, Ted.
Yeah.
You wrote down all these things
to say good-bye to,
but so many of them
are good things.
Why not just...
say good-bye
to the bad things?
Say good-bye to all the times
you felt lost.
To all the times
it was a no instead of a yes.
To all the scrapes and bruises,
to all the heartache.
Say good-bye to everything
you really want
to do for the last time.
But don't go have
one last scotch with Barney.
Have the first scotch
toasting Barney's new life
because that's
a good thing,
and the good things
will always be here
waiting for you.
What?
Turn the page.
"Get one last life lecture
from Lily."
Well, you're dreaming
if you think
that's the last one of those.
Ah.
Been waiting for the
perfect time for this,
and, my friend,
that time is...
I saw you and Robin
at the carousel.