1 00:00:03,447 --> 00:00:04,594 Look at this, 2 00:00:04,595 --> 00:00:06,563 your wedding weekend. I know. 3 00:00:06,616 --> 00:00:08,869 This close to finally having sex again. 4 00:00:08,871 --> 00:00:10,305 It's been forever. 5 00:00:10,307 --> 00:00:11,842 Oh, you and Robin been abstaining? 6 00:00:11,844 --> 00:00:12,810 Talking about you, Ted. 7 00:00:12,812 --> 00:00:14,964 Now here's the deal: every hookup 8 00:00:14,966 --> 00:00:17,803 at a weekend wedding is decided at Friday night drinks. 9 00:00:17,805 --> 00:00:19,441 Get stuck with the wrong girl 10 00:00:19,443 --> 00:00:21,811 tonight, the only action you'll be getting all weekend 11 00:00:21,813 --> 00:00:24,484 is a self-five, and I don't mean the cool kind. 12 00:00:24,486 --> 00:00:27,039 Self-five! That's the cool kind. 13 00:00:27,041 --> 00:00:28,509 Well, that's a big decision. 14 00:00:28,511 --> 00:00:30,463 The biggest. 15 00:00:30,465 --> 00:00:33,802 It brings to mind that religious text 16 00:00:33,804 --> 00:00:35,856 which we hold most sacred: 17 00:00:35,858 --> 00:00:39,331 Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade. 18 00:00:39,333 --> 00:00:42,035 Remember? They entered a chamber. 19 00:00:42,037 --> 00:00:44,857 Really? I'm the one working with the Nazis? 20 00:00:44,859 --> 00:00:48,081 Ted, just... just... okay? 21 00:00:48,083 --> 00:00:50,369 Yeah. They had to choose 22 00:00:50,371 --> 00:00:52,706 which cup was this special cup. 23 00:00:52,708 --> 00:00:54,226 I forget what it was called, 24 00:00:54,228 --> 00:00:56,063 but it's like the Holy Grail of cups. 25 00:00:56,065 --> 00:00:58,902 It was the Holy Grail. Of cups, exactly. 26 00:00:58,904 --> 00:01:02,075 So the Nazi confederate chose, and... 27 00:01:02,077 --> 00:01:04,364 Please don't make me do that... 28 00:01:04,366 --> 00:01:06,835 Ted, Ted, the confederate Nazi chose, and...? - I... 29 00:01:06,837 --> 00:01:08,422 Okay, okay. 30 00:01:08,424 --> 00:01:10,074 Oh. 31 00:01:14,802 --> 00:01:16,253 And so now I'm gonna explode. 32 00:01:17,642 --> 00:01:19,394 He chose... 33 00:01:19,396 --> 00:01:20,863 poorly. 34 00:01:22,150 --> 00:01:24,954 Then Indy picked a cup, and... 35 00:01:28,946 --> 00:01:30,716 You chose... 36 00:01:30,718 --> 00:01:32,118 wisely. 37 00:01:39,083 --> 00:01:40,469 So choose wisely, Ted. 38 00:01:40,471 --> 00:01:43,525 To help you decide, I spent all day yesterday 39 00:01:43,527 --> 00:01:44,944 picking your top three prospects. 40 00:01:44,946 --> 00:01:46,030 And I helped. 41 00:01:46,032 --> 00:01:48,117 It was either that or writing our vows. 42 00:01:48,119 --> 00:01:49,169 Uch! Gag. 43 00:01:49,171 --> 00:01:52,460 Sophia was Robin's college roommate, 44 00:01:52,462 --> 00:01:55,516 and she's apparently "a bit of a screamer" in the sack. 45 00:01:55,518 --> 00:01:56,834 Yeah, mid-sex, 46 00:01:56,836 --> 00:01:59,106 she sounds exactly like a car alarm from the '90s. 47 00:01:59,108 --> 00:02:04,199 You know, whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo, ooh-uh, ooh, ah-ah-ah-ah. 48 00:02:04,201 --> 00:02:05,852 Dudes love it. 49 00:02:05,854 --> 00:02:08,959 Cassie is the daughter of my mom's best friend. 50 00:02:08,961 --> 00:02:12,249 Sad story: 12 years ago, her gymnast career 51 00:02:12,251 --> 00:02:16,408 was tragically cut short when her boobs got too big. 52 00:02:17,427 --> 00:02:18,712 Grace is a new coworker. 53 00:02:18,714 --> 00:02:21,735 She's had six different positions at the firm, 54 00:02:21,737 --> 00:02:23,855 and that was just at the Christmas party. 55 00:02:23,857 --> 00:02:25,108 Ooh. 56 00:02:25,110 --> 00:02:27,028 So, Grace doesn't arrive till later, Mm-hmm. 57 00:02:27,030 --> 00:02:29,617 I recommend Sophia. 58 00:02:29,619 --> 00:02:34,377 I strongly feel that you should strongly feel her. 59 00:02:34,379 --> 00:02:36,381 I guess it's decided, then. 60 00:02:36,383 --> 00:02:38,167 Ted, right? Yeah. 61 00:02:38,169 --> 00:02:39,804 I'm Cassie. 62 00:02:39,806 --> 00:02:42,058 Oh... something tells me 63 00:02:42,060 --> 00:02:45,449 that we are gonna have a lot of fun this weekend. 64 00:02:47,654 --> 00:02:49,540 Cassie. I pick Cassie. 65 00:02:52,464 --> 00:02:54,617 You chose... 66 00:02:54,619 --> 00:02:56,588 poorly. 67 00:03:02,639 --> 00:03:07,644 == sync, corrected by elderman == @elder_man 68 00:03:11,369 --> 00:03:12,820 Hey, there's our minister. 69 00:03:12,822 --> 00:03:15,091 Oh, what a sweet-looking old... 70 00:03:15,960 --> 00:03:18,130 Ah! He looks scary. 71 00:03:18,132 --> 00:03:19,500 Looks can be deceiving, Lily. 72 00:03:19,502 --> 00:03:20,836 But not in this case. 73 00:03:20,838 --> 00:03:22,305 He's a mean old tool. 74 00:03:23,910 --> 00:03:26,898 Oh, he can't be that bad. 75 00:03:26,900 --> 00:03:29,202 I'll get him to come around. Just... 76 00:03:30,523 --> 00:03:32,125 Hi, Reverend, 77 00:03:32,127 --> 00:03:34,664 I'm Lily Aldrin, the maid of honor. 78 00:03:34,666 --> 00:03:36,334 Not too much honor. 79 00:03:36,336 --> 00:03:38,572 You're dressed like a whore. 80 00:03:44,067 --> 00:03:46,203 So what's going on? Why aren't you telling your wife 81 00:03:46,205 --> 00:03:47,540 you got an offer to be a judge? 82 00:03:47,542 --> 00:03:50,044 Lily had her heart set on us moving to Rome, 83 00:03:50,046 --> 00:03:51,881 so I have to tell her in person. 84 00:03:51,883 --> 00:03:54,169 That way, I know that I can convince her 85 00:03:54,171 --> 00:03:55,773 that we need to stay. 86 00:03:55,775 --> 00:03:59,129 In the courtroom, they call me The Convincer. 87 00:03:59,131 --> 00:04:01,049 They really call you that? 88 00:04:01,051 --> 00:04:04,139 I convinced them to call me that. 89 00:04:04,141 --> 00:04:05,826 But you have to prepare for your court cases. 90 00:04:05,828 --> 00:04:08,197 Did you prepare for talking to Lily? 91 00:04:08,199 --> 00:04:09,467 I don't need to prepare, okay? 92 00:04:09,469 --> 00:04:12,105 I can craft a nice... 93 00:04:12,107 --> 00:04:13,642 thingy. 94 00:04:14,912 --> 00:04:16,698 Oh, wow I'm totally... 95 00:04:16,700 --> 00:04:18,167 the twisty metal thingy? 96 00:04:18,169 --> 00:04:19,085 You're screwed. 97 00:04:19,087 --> 00:04:20,672 I'm screwed! 98 00:04:22,260 --> 00:04:24,295 I'm sorry, Ted, I don't know. 99 00:04:24,297 --> 00:04:26,434 I'm just so tired of this routine: 100 00:04:26,436 --> 00:04:28,303 we flirt, we have a few drinks, 101 00:04:28,305 --> 00:04:30,659 and then we end the night with meaningless sex. 102 00:04:30,661 --> 00:04:32,780 Oh... 103 00:04:32,782 --> 00:04:34,917 yeah. 104 00:04:34,919 --> 00:04:36,504 Me, too. 105 00:04:36,506 --> 00:04:38,925 Do you want to start the night with meaningless sex 106 00:04:38,927 --> 00:04:40,211 and then flirt later? 107 00:04:40,213 --> 00:04:41,497 You are a visionary. 108 00:04:42,919 --> 00:04:43,919 Come on. 109 00:04:44,939 --> 00:04:47,225 Oh! Oh! It's work. 110 00:04:47,227 --> 00:04:49,347 Should I get it or ignore it? 111 00:04:49,349 --> 00:04:51,182 Or get it? Oh, or ignore it? 112 00:04:51,184 --> 00:04:52,486 Um... Forget it? 113 00:04:52,488 --> 00:04:53,872 You know? Go ahead, get it. 114 00:04:53,874 --> 00:04:55,291 Okay. 115 00:04:55,293 --> 00:04:56,828 Hello? 116 00:04:57,831 --> 00:04:59,700 You chose... 117 00:04:59,702 --> 00:05:00,936 poorly. 118 00:05:00,938 --> 00:05:03,190 I'm fired? 119 00:05:03,192 --> 00:05:05,094 But teaching there was my dream job! 120 00:05:05,096 --> 00:05:07,181 And you guys are my only friends. 121 00:05:07,183 --> 00:05:10,220 You all hate me? 122 00:05:10,222 --> 00:05:12,610 Can I at least say good-bye to all my kids? 123 00:05:12,612 --> 00:05:16,116 My kids all hate me? 124 00:05:17,622 --> 00:05:18,822 Oh! 125 00:05:18,824 --> 00:05:21,628 Oh. It's okay. 126 00:05:21,630 --> 00:05:26,303 So, what were we about to do? 127 00:05:26,305 --> 00:05:28,642 I think it was "meaningless" something? 128 00:05:28,644 --> 00:05:30,061 Meaningless socks? No. 129 00:05:31,131 --> 00:05:32,883 No, it wasn't meaningless socks. 130 00:05:32,885 --> 00:05:34,987 Hey, hi, hi, hi. 131 00:05:34,989 --> 00:05:36,874 Um, so, a little problem. 132 00:05:36,876 --> 00:05:40,916 I was trying really hard not to offend your minister... 133 00:05:40,918 --> 00:05:44,840 So how did you and your husband meet? 134 00:05:44,842 --> 00:05:47,680 Oh, it was our first week of college. 135 00:05:47,682 --> 00:05:50,151 I needed help hooking up my stereo, 136 00:05:50,153 --> 00:05:53,692 so I walked down the hall, and I just knew 137 00:05:53,694 --> 00:05:55,244 I should knock on this one door. 138 00:05:55,246 --> 00:05:57,248 Marshall opened it. 139 00:05:57,250 --> 00:05:58,601 It was destiny. 140 00:05:58,603 --> 00:06:00,622 Hi. Hi. 141 00:06:00,624 --> 00:06:03,345 We've been together ever since. 142 00:06:04,230 --> 00:06:05,849 Excuse me! 143 00:06:06,969 --> 00:06:08,772 What did I do wrong? 144 00:06:09,507 --> 00:06:12,028 What did you do wrong? 145 00:06:12,030 --> 00:06:14,734 We really wanted him to marry us. 146 00:06:14,736 --> 00:06:17,038 His church has cute coming out the wazoo, 147 00:06:17,040 --> 00:06:19,192 but when we met with him... 148 00:06:19,194 --> 00:06:21,029 No pets in my church. 149 00:06:21,031 --> 00:06:23,618 No casual attire in my church. 150 00:06:23,620 --> 00:06:26,708 No gum. No sports logos... 151 00:06:26,710 --> 00:06:28,578 Reverend? More like Never-end. 152 00:06:28,580 --> 00:06:31,266 Prayer-five. No shouting. No cell phones. 153 00:06:31,268 --> 00:06:32,319 I'll warn you 154 00:06:32,321 --> 00:06:35,559 that I turn down most wedding requests. 155 00:06:35,561 --> 00:06:39,132 Particularly from boozy, promiscuous Manhattanites 156 00:06:39,134 --> 00:06:41,621 who only want me to marry them because 157 00:06:41,623 --> 00:06:45,962 my church has "cute coming out the wazoo." 158 00:06:45,964 --> 00:06:49,219 That is the total opposite of us. 159 00:06:49,221 --> 00:06:51,774 People are like that? 160 00:06:51,776 --> 00:06:53,344 Well, then, how did you two meet? 161 00:06:53,346 --> 00:06:56,367 Oh, um, um... 162 00:06:56,369 --> 00:06:57,435 Um... 163 00:06:57,437 --> 00:06:59,874 Uh, we've been... dating since college. 164 00:06:59,876 --> 00:07:02,579 We met the very first week. 165 00:07:02,581 --> 00:07:05,101 I needed help hooking up my stereo, 166 00:07:05,103 --> 00:07:08,424 so I walked down the hall, and I just knew 167 00:07:08,426 --> 00:07:10,479 that I should knock on this one door. 168 00:07:10,481 --> 00:07:12,316 I opened the door. 169 00:07:12,318 --> 00:07:13,852 And it was destiny. 170 00:07:16,157 --> 00:07:17,509 Hi. 171 00:07:17,511 --> 00:07:19,195 Hi. 172 00:07:19,197 --> 00:07:21,483 We've been together ever since! 173 00:07:21,485 --> 00:07:23,821 You stole our story of how we met? 174 00:07:23,823 --> 00:07:26,293 We had to! Your story is so sweet! Mm. 175 00:07:26,295 --> 00:07:28,163 You didn't even kiss till the third date. 176 00:07:28,165 --> 00:07:30,000 By our third date, I'd hit more bases 177 00:07:30,002 --> 00:07:32,706 than Bob Hope on a USO tour. Topical. 178 00:07:32,708 --> 00:07:35,010 Now Reverend Lowell knows that we lied to him. 179 00:07:35,012 --> 00:07:37,265 What if he cancels our wedding? 180 00:07:37,267 --> 00:07:38,985 What? That's ridiculous. 181 00:07:38,987 --> 00:07:40,287 Barney, Robin, I need to speak 182 00:07:40,289 --> 00:07:42,326 with you in private immediately. 183 00:07:43,662 --> 00:07:45,047 And it's not just losing my job, 184 00:07:45,049 --> 00:07:48,471 my car just got stolen with all my stuff in it. 185 00:07:48,473 --> 00:07:50,408 And now I think I'm getting the flu! 186 00:07:50,410 --> 00:07:52,211 I'm sorry. 187 00:07:52,213 --> 00:07:54,350 I've been talking for, like, a half an hour. 188 00:07:54,352 --> 00:07:56,537 It's fine. 40 minutes. It's fine. 189 00:07:56,539 --> 00:07:59,326 Still, I think I would be able to handle all of this 190 00:07:59,328 --> 00:08:04,370 if my boyfriend Wesley hadn't just broken up with me! 191 00:08:13,221 --> 00:08:15,425 Why don't you tell me about it? 192 00:08:15,427 --> 00:08:18,314 Okay! I should go back to the beginning. 193 00:08:18,316 --> 00:08:19,984 Oh, no, before the beginning. 194 00:08:19,986 --> 00:08:21,370 Winter, 1998... 195 00:08:21,372 --> 00:08:22,939 Man, this girl is a drag! 196 00:08:22,941 --> 00:08:27,048 If I hurry, I bet I still have a shot with Sophia. 197 00:08:27,050 --> 00:08:29,586 Okay, I'll get one more drink with Cassie, then bail. 198 00:08:29,588 --> 00:08:31,172 But where, bar or dining room? 199 00:08:31,174 --> 00:08:33,428 Bar or dining room? 200 00:08:33,430 --> 00:08:35,682 For my fourth date with Wesley, we went... 201 00:08:35,684 --> 00:08:38,855 Cassie, let's get one more drink in the dining room. 202 00:08:38,857 --> 00:08:40,709 You chose... 203 00:08:42,697 --> 00:08:43,865 Hi, Mom! Hi, Dad! 204 00:08:43,867 --> 00:08:45,952 Hey! We just ordered appetizers. 205 00:08:45,954 --> 00:08:47,088 Sit down, you two! 206 00:08:48,124 --> 00:08:50,462 Ha-poorly! 207 00:08:53,185 --> 00:08:55,861 Marshall, you're walking into the biggest fight of your life. 208 00:08:55,862 --> 00:08:58,449 You have to be prepared. You have to be tough. 209 00:08:58,451 --> 00:09:00,068 I am tough! No, you're not. 210 00:09:00,070 --> 00:09:01,237 You make some good points. 211 00:09:01,239 --> 00:09:03,108 Now, what exactly are you gonna say to Lily 212 00:09:03,110 --> 00:09:04,377 when you walk through that door? 213 00:09:04,379 --> 00:09:05,997 Okay. 214 00:09:05,999 --> 00:09:07,199 Hey, baby. 215 00:09:07,201 --> 00:09:08,719 So, listen, I got this phone call... 216 00:09:08,721 --> 00:09:10,188 Whoa, whoa, whoa! 217 00:09:10,190 --> 00:09:11,425 You haven't seen her in a week. 218 00:09:11,427 --> 00:09:13,763 Where's the "I missed you"? How about a kiss? 219 00:09:13,765 --> 00:09:15,650 Nothing about her new hairstyle? 220 00:09:15,652 --> 00:09:17,102 Hairstyle? I can't actually see... 221 00:09:17,104 --> 00:09:18,188 Start over! 222 00:09:18,740 --> 00:09:20,643 Lily! Hi. 223 00:09:20,645 --> 00:09:21,912 Mmm. 224 00:09:21,914 --> 00:09:22,914 I missed you. 225 00:09:22,916 --> 00:09:25,336 And your hairstyle so much. 226 00:09:25,338 --> 00:09:26,588 I missed you, too. 227 00:09:26,590 --> 00:09:30,028 I can't wait to show you how much in bed tonight. 228 00:09:30,030 --> 00:09:31,297 Okay, that's creepy. 229 00:09:31,299 --> 00:09:32,433 Don't break character. 230 00:09:32,435 --> 00:09:34,019 Okay, um... 231 00:09:34,021 --> 00:09:36,842 So, listen, I got this phone call last week, and I... 232 00:09:36,844 --> 00:09:38,228 Whoa, whoa, whoa! 233 00:09:38,230 --> 00:09:40,065 Acknowledge her own views on the matter first. 234 00:09:40,067 --> 00:09:41,485 Start over. 235 00:09:42,253 --> 00:09:43,739 Lily, hi, mwah. 236 00:09:43,741 --> 00:09:45,208 I missed you and your hairstyle so much. 237 00:09:45,210 --> 00:09:46,695 I missed you, too. 238 00:09:46,697 --> 00:09:49,568 Okay, so, I know that you're excited for Rome. 239 00:09:49,570 --> 00:09:51,421 I'm more excited for bed tonight. 240 00:09:52,341 --> 00:09:56,013 While I was away, uh, I got a phone call. 241 00:09:56,015 --> 00:09:57,734 To be a judge. 242 00:09:57,736 --> 00:09:58,919 What the damn hell? 243 00:09:58,921 --> 00:10:00,054 Whoa, whoa, whoa! 244 00:10:00,056 --> 00:10:02,242 Lily does not say "What the damn hell." 245 00:10:02,244 --> 00:10:03,829 Well, I've never met her but, yes, she does. 246 00:10:03,831 --> 00:10:05,499 You make some good points. Wow. 247 00:10:05,501 --> 00:10:07,302 You are terrible at this. 248 00:10:08,255 --> 00:10:09,741 Why did we lie? 249 00:10:09,743 --> 00:10:11,210 We have to come clean. 250 00:10:11,212 --> 00:10:13,866 Frankly, I am appalled. 251 00:10:13,868 --> 00:10:15,268 I know. I... Your friend 252 00:10:15,270 --> 00:10:18,826 Lily just tried to pass off your sweet story 253 00:10:18,828 --> 00:10:21,782 of how you met as her own. 254 00:10:22,902 --> 00:10:25,573 That lying little tart! I am horrified and relieved! 255 00:10:25,575 --> 00:10:29,547 Does Lily have any... problems that you're aware of? 256 00:10:29,549 --> 00:10:30,800 Drinking. Drugs. 257 00:10:30,802 --> 00:10:34,122 She's been drinking drugs. 258 00:10:34,124 --> 00:10:35,393 Well, 259 00:10:35,395 --> 00:10:37,295 I talked to Barney and Robin, 260 00:10:37,297 --> 00:10:39,317 and, let me say, I'm shocked. 261 00:10:39,319 --> 00:10:40,820 You should be. 262 00:10:40,822 --> 00:10:42,607 Flat-out lying to me like that? 263 00:10:42,609 --> 00:10:44,708 We are not misunderstanding each other. 264 00:10:44,733 --> 00:10:48,219 How dare you pretend their beautiful story is actually your own. 265 00:10:48,320 --> 00:10:50,005 Come again for Lil' Fudge? 266 00:10:50,007 --> 00:10:51,425 I understand the temptation. 267 00:10:51,427 --> 00:10:53,328 They're such a sweet couple. 268 00:10:53,330 --> 00:10:54,848 I mean, the way they call each other 269 00:10:54,850 --> 00:10:57,353 Barnmallow and Robinpad. 270 00:10:57,355 --> 00:10:59,674 Oh. 271 00:10:59,676 --> 00:11:01,344 Yes. 272 00:11:01,346 --> 00:11:03,649 I do steal their stories. 273 00:11:03,651 --> 00:11:05,369 Mm-hmm. But only because 274 00:11:05,371 --> 00:11:06,738 my husband and I 275 00:11:06,740 --> 00:11:09,861 are so ashamed of how we met. 276 00:11:09,863 --> 00:11:12,834 See, we only met because his friend Ted 277 00:11:12,836 --> 00:11:14,169 fell in love with me. 278 00:11:14,171 --> 00:11:15,890 And who could blame him? 279 00:11:15,892 --> 00:11:17,092 Hey, Marshall. 280 00:11:17,094 --> 00:11:18,261 See that girl? 281 00:11:18,263 --> 00:11:19,681 Oh, yeah. 282 00:11:19,683 --> 00:11:21,568 You just know she likes it dirty. 283 00:11:21,570 --> 00:11:22,887 Go say hi. What? 284 00:11:22,889 --> 00:11:24,927 I can't just go say hi. I-I need a plan. 285 00:11:24,928 --> 00:11:25,437 Hmm. 286 00:11:25,462 --> 00:11:26,829 I'm gonna wait until she goes to the bathroom... 287 00:11:26,830 --> 00:11:27,830 Hi. 288 00:11:27,832 --> 00:11:29,534 Have you met Ted? 289 00:11:29,536 --> 00:11:31,070 I'm sorry, 290 00:11:31,072 --> 00:11:33,091 I can't... 291 00:11:33,093 --> 00:11:34,594 And now, after years of lying, 292 00:11:34,596 --> 00:11:35,913 cheating and backsliding, 293 00:11:35,915 --> 00:11:37,232 here we are, married! 294 00:11:37,234 --> 00:11:38,969 But what can I say? 295 00:11:38,971 --> 00:11:40,806 My husband's a sociopath 296 00:11:40,808 --> 00:11:42,275 who's slept with over a hundred women, 297 00:11:42,277 --> 00:11:45,566 and I'm a slut who once let my boss feel me up. 298 00:11:45,568 --> 00:11:46,618 Oh, come on! 299 00:11:46,620 --> 00:11:48,572 I felt him up! It is over 250 women! 300 00:11:48,574 --> 00:11:50,876 If you two want to get married in my church, 301 00:11:50,878 --> 00:11:52,947 you'll stop breaking the ninth commandment. 302 00:11:52,949 --> 00:11:54,667 Uh... no fat chicks? 303 00:11:54,669 --> 00:11:56,170 Thou shalt not lie! 304 00:11:56,172 --> 00:11:58,458 With fat chicks? 305 00:11:58,460 --> 00:12:00,846 You're killing me. You're killing me. 306 00:12:00,848 --> 00:12:01,982 Now that... 307 00:12:01,984 --> 00:12:03,468 was a good dessert. 308 00:12:03,470 --> 00:12:06,324 "Dessert" sounds like "desert." 309 00:12:06,326 --> 00:12:09,814 The desert has sand... 310 00:12:09,816 --> 00:12:11,852 there's sand at the beach... 311 00:12:11,854 --> 00:12:13,922 and Wesley and I 312 00:12:13,924 --> 00:12:16,093 once drove by a beach. 313 00:12:17,097 --> 00:12:18,999 Excuse me. 314 00:12:21,055 --> 00:12:22,840 Now's my chance to leave. 315 00:12:22,842 --> 00:12:24,310 No, I'll wait five more seconds 316 00:12:24,312 --> 00:12:25,729 so I don't seem too eager. 317 00:12:25,731 --> 00:12:26,698 Four... 318 00:12:26,700 --> 00:12:27,733 three... 319 00:12:27,735 --> 00:12:28,869 two... 320 00:12:28,871 --> 00:12:30,789 Well, thanks for keeping our daughter company. 321 00:12:30,791 --> 00:12:32,192 Man, she can be a real drag, huh? 322 00:12:32,194 --> 00:12:35,382 We're gonna go have a little fun. See ya! 323 00:12:37,972 --> 00:12:40,726 You're on fire tonight, bro. 324 00:12:41,812 --> 00:12:44,099 But, Lily, being a judge is my dream job. 325 00:12:44,101 --> 00:12:45,603 So your dream job 326 00:12:45,605 --> 00:12:47,189 is more important than my dream job? 327 00:12:47,191 --> 00:12:49,193 Exactly. Now you're getting it. 328 00:12:49,195 --> 00:12:50,613 Nope. 329 00:12:50,615 --> 00:12:51,631 Start over. 330 00:12:51,633 --> 00:12:53,117 So your dream job's 331 00:12:53,119 --> 00:12:54,921 more important than my dream job? 332 00:12:54,923 --> 00:12:57,627 But, baby, you already have the best job in the world: 333 00:12:57,629 --> 00:12:59,096 Mom. Nope. 334 00:12:59,098 --> 00:13:00,164 Start over. 335 00:13:00,166 --> 00:13:02,052 So your dream job's more important 336 00:13:02,054 --> 00:13:03,187 than my dream job? 337 00:13:03,189 --> 00:13:06,260 Hey, I gave up peeing in the shower for you. 338 00:13:06,262 --> 00:13:07,279 Nope. 339 00:13:07,281 --> 00:13:08,315 Start over. 340 00:13:08,317 --> 00:13:09,651 So your dream job's 341 00:13:09,653 --> 00:13:11,488 more important than my dream job? 342 00:13:11,490 --> 00:13:12,606 Of course not. 343 00:13:12,608 --> 00:13:13,842 But this isn't 344 00:13:13,844 --> 00:13:15,579 just about our future. 345 00:13:15,581 --> 00:13:17,165 It's about everyone's. 346 00:13:17,167 --> 00:13:18,167 As a lawyer, 347 00:13:18,169 --> 00:13:19,837 I couldn't stop big oil from polluting, 348 00:13:19,839 --> 00:13:21,341 but as a judge... 349 00:13:21,343 --> 00:13:22,593 well, maybe I can. 350 00:13:22,595 --> 00:13:24,397 And that's why I took the job. 351 00:13:25,132 --> 00:13:26,300 You've just been "convincered." 352 00:13:26,302 --> 00:13:27,603 Wait. 353 00:13:27,605 --> 00:13:29,490 You already took the job? 354 00:13:29,492 --> 00:13:31,277 Without even talking to your wife? 355 00:13:31,279 --> 00:13:32,980 Start over. 356 00:13:32,982 --> 00:13:34,367 Start over... start over. 357 00:13:34,369 --> 00:13:36,338 What the damn hell? 358 00:13:37,874 --> 00:13:39,427 Hi, Reverend Lowell? 359 00:13:39,429 --> 00:13:41,431 Whew. Made it through my half. 360 00:13:41,433 --> 00:13:43,000 You're up. 361 00:13:43,002 --> 00:13:44,186 Oh. Uh... 362 00:13:44,188 --> 00:13:46,424 The-the truth is, we-we have 363 00:13:46,426 --> 00:13:48,277 a complicated, messy history 364 00:13:48,279 --> 00:13:49,864 that-that we're not too proud of. 365 00:13:49,866 --> 00:13:51,150 But... 366 00:13:51,152 --> 00:13:52,486 we're sorry that we lied, 367 00:13:52,488 --> 00:13:56,143 and hope that you can forgive us. 368 00:13:59,083 --> 00:14:01,053 Nope, I can't do it. 369 00:14:01,055 --> 00:14:03,090 You're going to have to find a new officiant. 370 00:14:03,092 --> 00:14:04,377 Okay. 371 00:14:04,379 --> 00:14:05,479 Well, these things happen. 372 00:14:05,481 --> 00:14:06,514 And a new church. 373 00:14:06,516 --> 00:14:08,985 What the damn hell? 374 00:14:09,938 --> 00:14:12,910 This evening could not get any worse. 375 00:14:12,912 --> 00:14:14,781 Whenever you're ready. Crap! 376 00:14:16,886 --> 00:14:18,037 Hey, Ted. 377 00:14:18,039 --> 00:14:19,757 Thanks for being so great. 378 00:14:19,759 --> 00:14:21,778 I'm lucky to have you around this weekend. 379 00:14:21,780 --> 00:14:23,765 Ooh, yeah... 380 00:14:23,767 --> 00:14:25,268 About that... 381 00:14:25,270 --> 00:14:28,190 I should really go see about the, uh... 382 00:14:28,192 --> 00:14:30,061 So, sex? My room is very close. 383 00:14:31,817 --> 00:14:33,084 Sophia. Hi. 384 00:14:33,086 --> 00:14:34,404 Oh, God. Wesley. 385 00:14:34,406 --> 00:14:36,708 Wait. Wait, you're Wesley? 386 00:14:36,710 --> 00:14:38,244 Hey, Cassie. 387 00:14:38,246 --> 00:14:40,449 Your parents were just saying you have a new boyfriend. 388 00:14:40,451 --> 00:14:42,837 "Boyfriend" is a little premature. 389 00:14:42,839 --> 00:14:44,172 Though I did pay for dinner. 390 00:14:44,174 --> 00:14:46,627 Ted and I are very happy. 391 00:14:46,629 --> 00:14:47,980 Are we? 392 00:14:47,982 --> 00:14:51,270 Even if... he'll never replace you. 393 00:14:55,713 --> 00:14:57,031 So, Sophia. Hi. 394 00:14:57,033 --> 00:14:58,050 I'm Ted. 395 00:14:58,052 --> 00:14:59,921 Robin's friend. 396 00:14:59,923 --> 00:15:01,657 What do you say we give these two old flames 397 00:15:01,659 --> 00:15:03,595 a chance to... catch up alone, 398 00:15:03,597 --> 00:15:05,181 and maybe you and I could go get a drink. 399 00:15:05,183 --> 00:15:06,601 Are you hitting on me? Dude! 400 00:15:06,603 --> 00:15:07,887 Ted, let's go! 401 00:15:11,862 --> 00:15:14,099 You tip... 402 00:15:15,286 --> 00:15:16,905 poorly. 403 00:15:20,933 --> 00:15:23,243 Look, I know. I shouldn't have taken the job 404 00:15:23,244 --> 00:15:24,328 without telling Lily. 405 00:15:24,330 --> 00:15:26,081 Why are you so ticked off about it? 406 00:15:26,083 --> 00:15:28,252 Because I know what she's going through. 407 00:15:28,254 --> 00:15:29,304 I always dreamed 408 00:15:29,306 --> 00:15:31,860 of having a career I could be proud of, 409 00:15:31,862 --> 00:15:33,947 but my husband never supported me. 410 00:15:33,949 --> 00:15:35,133 Eventually, 411 00:15:35,135 --> 00:15:37,922 I had to... make a choice. 412 00:15:37,924 --> 00:15:38,990 Now, every day, 413 00:15:38,992 --> 00:15:40,209 I'm out there, 414 00:15:40,211 --> 00:15:42,381 I'm fighting for the good guys, and I love it. 415 00:15:42,383 --> 00:15:43,650 Doesn't 416 00:15:43,652 --> 00:15:45,169 your wife deserve th, too? 417 00:15:45,171 --> 00:15:49,261 Wow. Um, maybe you're right. 418 00:15:49,263 --> 00:15:52,601 I didn't realize how many sacrifices you'd made. 419 00:15:53,621 --> 00:15:55,239 What is it you do, anyway? 420 00:15:55,241 --> 00:15:57,026 I'm a lobbyist for a big oil company. 421 00:15:57,028 --> 00:15:58,646 What the damn hell? 422 00:16:00,651 --> 00:16:02,003 You know that I'm an environmentalist! 423 00:16:02,005 --> 00:16:03,656 That's why you don't want me to become a judge. 424 00:16:03,658 --> 00:16:05,493 But you're the reason I have to become a judge! 425 00:16:05,495 --> 00:16:07,965 You're the devil incarnate! And outcarnate! 426 00:16:07,967 --> 00:16:10,169 Every kind of carnate! 427 00:16:11,740 --> 00:16:12,925 Please, is-is there 428 00:16:12,927 --> 00:16:14,160 any way you'd reconsider? 429 00:16:14,162 --> 00:16:15,864 No! No, no! 430 00:16:15,866 --> 00:16:18,035 You two are both terrible people. 431 00:16:18,037 --> 00:16:21,108 Who found each other in this crazy world! 432 00:16:21,110 --> 00:16:22,461 Aw! 433 00:16:22,463 --> 00:16:25,032 And who lie about how they found each other. 434 00:16:25,034 --> 00:16:27,253 So, please leave now. Just... 435 00:16:27,255 --> 00:16:29,342 Ugh! Ugh! 436 00:16:29,344 --> 00:16:31,646 You know what? You're right. 437 00:16:31,648 --> 00:16:34,050 We shouldn't have lied about our story. 438 00:16:34,736 --> 00:16:36,154 I love our story. 439 00:16:36,156 --> 00:16:38,108 Sure, it's messy, but it's the story 440 00:16:38,110 --> 00:16:40,497 that got us here, about to get married. 441 00:16:40,499 --> 00:16:42,835 I love it, too. 442 00:16:42,837 --> 00:16:44,805 Every messy chapter. 443 00:16:44,807 --> 00:16:47,293 I love that you slept with over 250 women 444 00:16:47,295 --> 00:16:49,432 before deciding that I was your favorite. 445 00:16:49,434 --> 00:16:50,601 This is killing me. 446 00:16:50,603 --> 00:16:52,153 And I love that we just had 447 00:16:52,155 --> 00:16:53,756 to keep having sex with each other, 448 00:16:53,758 --> 00:16:55,226 even when we were dating other people. 449 00:16:55,228 --> 00:16:56,762 This is really killing me. 450 00:16:56,764 --> 00:16:58,433 And I love that your marriage proposal 451 00:16:58,435 --> 00:17:00,537 involved a strip club, lying to me, 452 00:17:00,539 --> 00:17:04,428 and pretending to bang the woman I hate for two months. 453 00:17:04,430 --> 00:17:05,998 I love that we keep a running tally 454 00:17:06,000 --> 00:17:07,584 of all the different rooms we've had sex in. 455 00:17:07,586 --> 00:17:10,841 I love that two weeks ago, we put this room on that list. 456 00:17:10,843 --> 00:17:12,761 Huh? Come on, Rev. 457 00:17:12,763 --> 00:17:14,965 That's got to be worth some kind of reaction, right? 458 00:17:14,967 --> 00:17:17,203 I mean, right where your hymnal is, is where we... 459 00:17:17,205 --> 00:17:19,358 we... 460 00:17:33,604 --> 00:17:36,859 Well, that's not what you want. 461 00:17:42,122 --> 00:17:44,023 Um, are... are you okay? 462 00:17:44,025 --> 00:17:47,331 I think... think maybe seeing your ex was a bit much for you. 463 00:17:47,333 --> 00:17:49,552 No. Not at all. 464 00:17:49,554 --> 00:17:51,556 I want... only you. 465 00:17:51,558 --> 00:17:53,308 Oh, yeah. 466 00:17:53,311 --> 00:17:56,482 I want to... I want to rock your world. 467 00:17:56,484 --> 00:17:58,820 And you're so hot. 468 00:17:58,822 --> 00:18:02,528 I want to ride you like a bronco. 469 00:18:02,530 --> 00:18:04,815 Okay, Cassie. Cassie. 470 00:18:04,817 --> 00:18:06,902 Yeah, we... we can't do this. 471 00:18:06,904 --> 00:18:08,205 I mean, you're crying. 472 00:18:09,460 --> 00:18:10,844 And contagious. 473 00:18:10,846 --> 00:18:12,180 You're-you're having 474 00:18:12,182 --> 00:18:13,550 a really, really bad week. 475 00:18:13,552 --> 00:18:15,554 I think... I think you should just 476 00:18:15,556 --> 00:18:18,158 take it easy. 477 00:18:18,160 --> 00:18:19,277 You're right. 478 00:18:19,279 --> 00:18:21,783 I'm not in a good place. No. 479 00:18:21,785 --> 00:18:22,868 Oh, wow. 480 00:18:22,870 --> 00:18:24,872 I probably would have let you do 481 00:18:24,874 --> 00:18:27,611 all sorts of crazy things to me. 482 00:18:30,968 --> 00:18:32,721 Exactly. 483 00:18:32,723 --> 00:18:34,758 I release you. 484 00:18:34,760 --> 00:18:37,063 Go have fun this weekend. 485 00:18:37,065 --> 00:18:38,650 Meet someone else. 486 00:18:38,652 --> 00:18:40,487 Yes! Yes! Be cool. Okay. 487 00:18:40,489 --> 00:18:42,491 But I couldn't meet someone else. 488 00:18:42,493 --> 00:18:44,495 Hey, Ted? Yeah. 489 00:18:44,497 --> 00:18:45,647 Everyone here is saying 490 00:18:45,649 --> 00:18:47,951 you and Cassie are the couple of the weekend. 491 00:18:47,953 --> 00:18:49,287 How great is that? 492 00:18:49,289 --> 00:18:51,174 Barney was right. 493 00:18:51,176 --> 00:18:54,047 I'd chosen poorly, everyone had seen us together, 494 00:18:54,049 --> 00:18:56,167 and now the whole weekend seemed lost. 495 00:18:56,169 --> 00:18:58,606 Until... 496 00:18:58,608 --> 00:19:01,010 Hi. I just got here. 497 00:19:01,012 --> 00:19:02,898 Did I miss anything? 498 00:19:02,900 --> 00:19:05,871 Not at all. Grace, right? 499 00:19:05,873 --> 00:19:09,077 I'm Ted. Let's get you a drink before you talk to anyone else 500 00:19:09,079 --> 00:19:11,298 or hear anything. 501 00:19:12,635 --> 00:19:14,321 Hey, guys. How's your night going? 502 00:19:14,323 --> 00:19:15,640 Ugh! Ugh! 503 00:19:15,642 --> 00:19:17,394 Our minister just died. 504 00:19:17,396 --> 00:19:19,381 Wh...? We can still use the church, 505 00:19:19,383 --> 00:19:21,234 but we only have two days to find a new officiant. 506 00:19:21,236 --> 00:19:22,604 Unless... 507 00:19:22,714 --> 00:19:23,806 Wedding at Bernie's! 508 00:19:23,807 --> 00:19:25,308 We're not doing Wedding at Bernie's! 509 00:19:25,311 --> 00:19:28,230 Wow. Oh, that's terrible. 510 00:19:28,232 --> 00:19:30,201 Should I make a toast in his honor? 511 00:19:30,203 --> 00:19:31,788 No. 512 00:19:31,790 --> 00:19:33,207 Of course I should. 513 00:19:34,160 --> 00:19:35,612 Everyone? 514 00:19:35,614 --> 00:19:37,248 To Reverend Lowell. 515 00:19:37,250 --> 00:19:39,219 He may have passed away 516 00:19:39,221 --> 00:19:40,622 tonight, but he will always... 517 00:19:40,624 --> 00:19:42,660 Uncle Robert died? 518 00:19:43,479 --> 00:19:45,064 Oh, no. 519 00:19:53,534 --> 00:19:55,336 Have a nice weekend. 520 00:19:55,338 --> 00:19:58,290 All that night, I did nothing but choose poorly. 521 00:19:58,292 --> 00:19:59,677 But thanks to Cassie, 522 00:19:59,679 --> 00:20:02,232 I didn't get together with anyone at that wedding. 523 00:20:02,234 --> 00:20:03,552 And if I had, 524 00:20:03,554 --> 00:20:07,643 well, then, your mother and I might never have met. 525 00:20:07,645 --> 00:20:11,517 So, maybe, in a way, I chose wisely. 526 00:20:12,232 --> 00:20:15,215 Boo-uh! Boo-uh! Eee! 527 00:20:15,216 --> 00:20:17,051 Although, it sure as heck 528 00:20:17,053 --> 00:20:18,271 didn't feel like it at the time. 529 00:20:18,272 --> 00:20:19,557 Aah! Aah! Aah! 530 00:20:21,195 --> 00:20:23,063 She chose... 531 00:20:23,065 --> 00:20:24,450 Wesley. 532 00:20:25,821 --> 00:20:28,375 I've been dying to say that one all night. 533 00:20:30,195 --> 00:20:32,165 Look, I'm sorry I yelled at you. 534 00:20:32,167 --> 00:20:33,534 The truth is, you're right. 535 00:20:33,536 --> 00:20:36,374 It was wrong of me to take that job without telling Lily. 536 00:20:36,376 --> 00:20:39,347 I don't need to be tough with her. I need to be fair. 537 00:20:39,349 --> 00:20:40,983 Thanks, Marshall. Mm. 538 00:20:40,985 --> 00:20:43,103 I should also apologize. 539 00:20:43,105 --> 00:20:45,325 While you were filling the tank, 540 00:20:45,327 --> 00:20:47,913 I may have been so angry, 541 00:20:47,915 --> 00:20:51,103 I texted your wife with the news 542 00:20:51,105 --> 00:20:53,775 that you took that judge offer. 543 00:20:55,598 --> 00:20:57,516 Don't forget to compliment her hair.