Two days before
Barney and Robin's wedding,
their reverend passed away,
and the search was on
for a replacement.
Oh, boy, it's the creepy,
bug-eyed minister
from that culty church
who kept asking us
if we're "pure enough to die."
He's our best lead.
I should get this.
James, unless
you have a minister,
I don't want to hear it.
You mean, like this one?
A few years back,
Barney's brother James finally
met his long-lost father, Sam,
who turned out
to be a reverend.
I know pronounce
your asses saved.
Whoa!
Reverend Gibbs wouldn't be
the only VIP arrival that day.
Dad!
Barney. Oh, I can't believe
you're getting married.
You've grown up so fast.
Then again, I did miss
about 30 years of your life.
Did I mention we got you
two things from your registry?
Hey, can we buy you guys
a drink in a bit?
Sure. We'll meet you
at the bar.
Yeah.
Here.
All right.
Hey.
Oh. Whoa. Look.
My dad hasn't seen
my mom in years,
not since he bailed on her.
Oh, man, take it from a
fellow child of divorce,
this could
get real messy.
Loretta, good to see you.
You, too, Jerry.
Wow.
Yeah. Thank
God, no drama.
They're in love!
My mom and dad are getting
back together again!
Uh-oh.
Hey, quick favor.
I want to give this
to Robin.
Gretzky's her hero.
She says his name sometimes
in bed. I've accepted it.
Can you, uh, hide it for me
till the rehearsal dinner?
The best man is on it.
Great. Now I'm gonna go get
my mom and dad back together.
They're totally in love.
I know. It's amazing.
I'm walking on air.
My family's gonna be
whole again!
Should we stop him or something?
The best man is staying
on the Gretzky thing.
Ha!
You're right.
That crap grows on you.
Again?
Proclaim it!
Hey. So there I am,
lying in the wet, filthy sand
under the patio,
just minding my own business,
when my dad bumps into my mom,
and he says... get this...
he says to her,
"Weather's improving, huh?"
It's like, why don't you
just do it already? Huh?
Barney, I know you've always
dreamed of a reunited family,
but... Jerry's married.
So what? Marriage is just
a meaningless piece of paper.
I'm a lucky gal.
Sweetie, this just
isn't gonna happen.
Now, please promise me
you haven't already put
some crazy scheme in motion.
I haven't put
some crazy scheme in motion.
Why did you pause?
I didn't pause.
Why did you pause?
Ah. Hey, there.
Hi.
Barney texted me
to meet him ASAP:
but the stairs
are wet.
No, broken.
Yeah, the stairs
are broken.
Yeah. I got the same text.
Oh.
Barney, Jerry has a wife.
Oh, God, what did you do
to the wife?
So, my husband
snuck off to go parasailing,
and he wants me to join him?
Yes.
Who is ready to rock it
Scottish-identical-
twin-brothers style?
Oh, man, I hope they're not
singing to the same girl.
Or to each other.
Shut up! Music sucks!
Scotland sucks! You suck!
Just drive, pumpkin head.
Hey, guys, don't worry.
Help's on the way.
Oh! Thank you, Barney.
Thank you, honey.
In the meantime,
I'll try to keep you two
as comfortable as possible.
Well, we don't need wine.
We don't need champagne,
either. We need help!
This could be very unsafe!
Oh.
I'll say something.
No. You've had a whole
lifetime of this. Let me.
Oh.
Barney, are you thinking
you can get your mother
and me back together?
Because I'm married.
My wife is right upstairs!
No, she's not.
What's that?
Nothing!
I'm just trying
to keep you refreshed
through this unexpected and
flukish elevator malfunction!
Here's some water!
Ah... drat.
Clumsy hands much, Barney?
Just disrobe
and send up those wet clothes.
You'll be cold, so I'll send
down strawberry warming gel
and some cozy, zippered masks.
Ooh.
My calligraphy ink!
I mean, the Gretzky photo!
Some bastard
snuck into my room
and spilled ink
all over the Gretzky photo
I was holding for Barney.
Detective Mosby is on the case.
Oh, God,
that's horrible.
I know.
It was a gift for Robin.
No, I mean,
"Oh, God, that's horrible.
Detective Mosby's the worst."
Mm, Detective Mosby is
the case-crackingest
private dick on the scene.
Really? Like that case
from eight years ago
you still haven't cracked?
I'm callin' it.
Damn it!
My greatest failure.
I will solve this case.
Now, there were
three people nearby
when Barney gave me
that head shot:
Karate Kid bad boy Billy Zabka,
a shifty-eyed bellhop,
and Robin's cousin Claude
from Quebec
with the neck trouble.
Right, 'cause an elaborate
conspiracy is much more likely
than you leaving the photo
next to an open ink bottle.
Thank you!
You can't even
detect sarcasm!
Why don't you just
try to fix the photo?
Don't you have ink remover?
Of course I have ink remover.
I'm not one of those sloppy,
punk calligraphers
who's in it
for glory over craft.
No, we got to solve this!
Now, the question is,
which of those three suspects
had the most cause to frame me?
The one that I replaced
as Barney's best man?
I'm coming for you, Mosby.
Billy Zabka!
Okay, real quick,
I need fresh-cut
English lavender, a copy of
Shakespeare's 18th sonnet,
and enough Nutella
to cover a 60-year-old woman.
Oh, great. You guys escaped.
Got rescued!
Are you okay?
A bit shaken up.
Being trapped
in an elevator is scary.
No, Barney lowered in a TV
showing some pretty
graphic 1970s pornography.
Still, a lot
of familiar faces in there.
Well, not just faces.
I'm gonna go
find my wife.
Nice job, bro.
Mom was just about
to get some action
for the first time
since she conceived me.
Barney, this has to stop.
You're being delusional.
Mom is not getting back
together with Jerry.
Because she's getting back
together with my daddy!
I see what you're doing.
You didn't bring your dad here
to marry us.
You want him to get back
together with Mom!
Which is completely insane,
by the way.
Um, my dad's single,
Mom's single.
Your dad's happily married
with two kids.
Which one makes more sense?
I agree. It's a tie.
What do we do?
You back down
and let me get my mom
and dad back together?
Um, how about you back down
and let me get my mom and dad
back together?
I can already picture it.
Of course not, Wuv-Wuv!
We love you, champ!
That's completely insane.
This is how
it's gonna be.
No, my dad would
win in a fight!
Nuh-uh!
Uh-huh!
Don't fight!
I'm marrying into this family.
Stop.
You stupid!
I won't stop.
Where the heck is
this parasailing place?
You know what?
I'm gonna...
I'm gonna call Jerry.
Oh, that's weird.
I just lost cell reception.
Yes.
Weird.
Lot of pretty paintings
in this hotel.
I like how
they've been... framed.
I've noticed
the vintage, antique,
gilded Victorian frames, too.
I'm not blind...
but what are you getting at?
You know damn well
what I'm getting at!
You're jealous I got
the Best Mansmanship back,
so you destroyed that photo as
part of some diabolical scheme
to make me look bad.
I bet you even found some other
photo of Wayne Gretzky
so you could swoop in
and save the day.
You're insane.
Am I?
Yeah. Yeah.
Am I?
Where were you today
at 3:15 p.m.?
Right here
getting a massage.
Rocked a 60-minute
deep tish.
Now if you'll excuse
me, Detective,
I think I'll go
have some pineapple.
How do you know about that?
Everybody knows about that!
Excuse me?
Mm?
You destroyed that photo,
didn't you?
No, I didn't.
Admit it! I complained about you
to the bell captain,
so you got your revenge.
You complained about me?
No.
So, Claude...
I see that you're
a Montreal Canadiens fan.
Which means you hate
the Edmonton Oilers,
which is why you destroyed
the Wayne Gretzky head shot!
J'accuse!
C'est ridicule!
If it's so ridicule,
how do you explain this?
Ah, seems
like I've caught you...
midnight blue-handed.
Oh, these.
Yeah.
I-I was out by the water when...
an elderly R-Rastafarian
hang glider...
he-he crash
onto a beached squid,
which squirted ink
when I ran in to help.
You really expect me
to believe that?
Story checks out.
Sorry, Claude.
De rien.
I don't get it.
We were bonding.
I can't think of
anything I did wrong!
Okay, I did a few things wrong.
For the last time,
I did not leave the bag of
oranges you bought on the roof!
No more breaking the
speed limit. And, uh,
thanks for flagging me down and
telling me she was going 67.
Just following the rules,
Officer.
Oh. She's also not
wearing her seat belt.
You are not allowed
to use that word!
Only we're allowed
to use that word!
I am so sorry.
I will never
call you or anyone else a...
Trekkie again.
But I apologized
and you accepted.
I even bought you more oranges.
Look, it wasn't you, okay?
Baby, I know your speech
at the Model U.N. is a big deal,
but I'm just not sure
I'll make it in time.
I'm trying.
You know what?
Don't bother coming.
So, back at the airport,
that story was true?
You have a daughter?
She lives with her dad.
And since I travel for work,
I miss a lot of stuff.
I only work as hard as I do
to provide for her.
But kids,
they don't understand logic.
Kids understand who shows up.
That's why
her dad's her hero...
and I get hung up on.
Go see your daughter's speech.
If you show up,
all will be forgiven.
Just drop it.
And drop me at home.
Then head out to your wedding.
End of discussion.
Barney,
even if your plan worked,
you'd be destroying
your dad's marriage.
Okay, you may have a point.
Can I suggest something?
Truce?
We both agree to drop this.
Agreed.
Hey, I got a replacement bottle
of 30-year Glen McKenna.
Okay.
Look, even if Mom
never gets back together
with either one of our dads,
we're still brothers.
It's not a competition.
I win!
Hoo-hoo!
Get your damn
hands off my mom!
Get your damn hands
on my mom!
One on, one off?
What the hell is
going on here?
After you boys tracked Sam down
a few years back,
we got in touch.
We became friends again,
started hanging out.
And then one day,
she went from being
Loretta to being...
Lo-ret-ta.
We wanted to wait
to tell you
because it's still new,
but it was inevitable
you'd find out
once Sam came
to perform the ceremony.
Is that what you
two call it?
"Performing
the ceremony"?
Oh, Sam's marrying you
tomorrow, dear.
Right. Thank
you, Reverend.
Look,
is there any way you guys
can be all right with this?
Of course I am!
Barney?
I know I've been acting crazy
today, but...
I just have
one real question, Mom,
and I want an honest answer.
Is there a scenario...
and hear me out...
where you might consider
doing kind of a three-way deal
with both of our dads?
God! What is wrong with you?
Oh, dude, come on!
That's what I thought!
It's time to
admit it, Ted.
You spilled the ink.
There's no conspiracy.
I guess you're right.
I mean, the only other person
who saw Barney give me
that photo...
was you.
Hey. Idiot.
While you've been
playing detective,
I've been cleaning up your mess.
Look, the ink remover works.
I'm gonna
finish this.
You come clean to Barney.
Okay.
She's been
missing all day,
a-and I found what appears to be
a-a suicide note on my bed.
But it doesn't
really sound like her.
"I'm going to kill my...
wait for it... self."
Is everything okay
with Mr. Zabka?
Wait. W-Wait. Why do you think
that's Billy Zabka?
(The Beastie Boys'
"Sabotage" begins)
See?
The man from the
lobby got this massage.
A younger gentleman bought it
for him as a gift.
He even signed his name for him.
Right here.
I'm telling all y'all...
it's Zabka-tage.
Lily's second tackle
of the weekend.
Wakey, wakey.
Wait, this isn't...
It's your
daughter's school.
You need to go in.
She asked me not to come,
Marshall.
This doesn't make any sense.
Kids don't understand logic.
Kids understand who shows up.
People say
children are the future.
I say...
oil is the future!
Don't listen to these
gutless environmental sissies!
That's my baby.
Drill in the oceans!
Thank you.
Drill in the wetlands!
Pumpkin head.
Drill in the
national parks!
You're welcome.
Drill, baby, drill!
We should go.
Drill, baby, drill!
You said it was nuts
to think that my mom and dad
would get back together.
But that's what happened
for James.
I've been dreaming of that
since I was five.
Well, that and my own
operational Death Star.
But mostly them
getting back together.
Why does James get it
and I don't?
Well, think about it.
You have me,
your dad has Cheryl...
"So to summarize:
"I'm super dead,
"you should totally bone
Loretta,
"and I never
loved you, Cheryl,"
which is misspelled.
but James is going
through a divorce.
He just lost his family.
I-I know you've been
dreaming of this, but...
maybe he needs "Mom
and Dad" more than you.
So, Billy, did you really think
you could get away with it?
Actually, I did.
Ah. I
was gonna
give this to Barney
and say I'd driven an hour away
to get a replacement
from an autograph dealer.
First, I needed an alibi.
So I got Barney's dad a massage
but signed in my name.
Then I switched the Gretzky
head shot with one of myself.
I always travel with 2,000
of those handsome devils
in the trunk of my car.
I have so many questions
for you, but first...
you keep 2,000 head shots
of yourself in your trunk?
No one ever wants them!
They only want
the "good guy's" autograph!
In the '80s, I was the bad guy
in every movie.
Do you know what my life
has been like?
Every premiere,
when I came on-screen...
I wasn't a bad guy
in real life,
just a kick-ass actor.
No one got that.
It happened everywhere I went.
Somehow,
people always had popcorn.
25 years of getting
crane-kicked in the nuts,
until Barney Stinson gave me
the best moment of my life.
Hey. Hey, some issues
just came up with Ted, so...
will you be my best man?
Sure.
Thanks.
Hello?
Mom?
No, no, listen, listen.
I just became
somebody's best man.
You can come
to Thanksgiving this year!
To Barney Stinson,
I wasn't a bad guy.
To Barney Stinson, I was
the best man.
I thought if Ted screwed up
again, I'd have another shot.
But I guess this time
I really was the bad guy.
Hey, Ted,
what's so urgent?
I have something
to tell you.
I destroyed
that Gretzky head shot
and I couldn't fix it.
Billy saved the day
by getting a new one
from an autograph dealer nearby.
A-An hour away.
An hour away. Just be cool.
Awesome. Thanks, Billy!
Ah.
And, Ted...
I really appreciate
that you told the truth.
Ow...
Psych!
Billy rules,
Ted drools,
Stinson out.
You're all right, Mosby.
And for an all too rare moment
that weekend,
everything was all right.
Um, Barney?
Is this your way
of saying you're supporting us?
Yes! Go for it.
Consummate your love!
Thanks, bro.
But this is super weird.
Super weird.
Are we almost there?
Almost there.
Give me back my wife,
you son of a bitch!