1
00:00:03,250 --> 00:00:05,220
Marshall and Marvin
were taking the bus

2
00:00:05,222 --> 00:00:07,925
on their way to Long Island
to meet up with us.

3
00:00:07,927 --> 00:00:09,311
There, there,
little Marvin.

4
00:00:09,313 --> 00:00:11,015
Let no more
tears fall.

5
00:00:11,017 --> 00:00:14,571
We're gonna see Mommy
in no time at all.

6
00:00:14,573 --> 00:00:16,776
Hello there. I'm sorry
for all of the noise.

7
00:00:16,778 --> 00:00:19,164
It's been a long day
for the Eriksen boys.

8
00:00:19,166 --> 00:00:21,252
Uh... what's with the rhyming?

9
00:00:21,254 --> 00:00:22,454
I'm glad that you ask.

10
00:00:22,456 --> 00:00:25,409
To get my son
sleeping is no easy task.

11
00:00:25,411 --> 00:00:27,965
A few weeks ago,
the job fell to my wife.

12
00:00:27,967 --> 00:00:30,437
And as the poor baby cried out
for dear life,

13
00:00:30,439 --> 00:00:33,609
she read every book,
but all were no use

14
00:00:33,611 --> 00:00:36,950
until she arrived
at a mother named Goose.

15
00:00:36,952 --> 00:00:38,904
Why, Marvin...
She noted.

16
00:00:38,906 --> 00:00:40,740
these rhymes
make you tired!

17
00:00:40,742 --> 00:00:42,777
And ever since then,
all young Marvin's required

18
00:00:42,779 --> 00:00:45,283
is one book of rhymes,
and to dream land he goes.

19
00:00:45,285 --> 00:00:46,752
Now, what shall we read?

20
00:00:46,754 --> 00:00:49,341
Oh, crap, I left
his book in the car!

21
00:00:51,130 --> 00:00:52,397
That blows.

22
00:00:58,534 --> 00:01:03,539
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man

23
00:01:07,128 --> 00:01:08,763
Oh, no, what a bummer!

24
00:01:08,765 --> 00:01:10,433
What craptastic luck!

25
00:01:10,435 --> 00:01:12,721
Without Marvin's rhyme book,
this ride's gonna suck!

26
00:01:12,723 --> 00:01:14,775
Does anyone here have
some poetry maybe?

27
00:01:14,777 --> 00:01:16,061
Or any advice?
Yeah!

28
00:01:16,063 --> 00:01:17,614
Don't have a baby!

29
00:01:19,570 --> 00:01:21,455
I guess if I don't want
young Marvin to wake up,

30
00:01:21,457 --> 00:01:24,361
the rhymes will just have
to be ones that I make up.

31
00:01:24,363 --> 00:01:27,533
I'll whip up some poetry
in seconds flat!

32
00:01:30,474 --> 00:01:33,346
Oh, I know!

33
00:01:33,348 --> 00:01:35,985
This story's called
Mosby at the Bat!

34
00:01:41,246 --> 00:01:43,917
The outlook wasn't brilliant
for poor Ted's romantic life.

35
00:01:43,919 --> 00:01:47,740
He was deep into his thirties,
and yet, still he had no wife.

36
00:01:47,742 --> 00:01:49,577
But then, one day
whilst grading papers,

37
00:01:49,579 --> 00:01:51,131
life sent him a whammy.

38
00:01:51,133 --> 00:01:53,102
A physics prof named Lisa

39
00:01:53,104 --> 00:01:54,521
who'd just moved here
from Miami.

40
00:01:54,523 --> 00:01:55,523
Professor?

41
00:01:55,525 --> 00:01:57,427
She asked timidly.
He answered:

42
00:01:57,429 --> 00:01:58,947
Call me Ted.
Oh.

43
00:01:58,949 --> 00:02:00,266
I don't want to bother you.

44
00:02:00,268 --> 00:02:01,869
Please, have a seat.
He said.

45
00:02:01,871 --> 00:02:05,293
I'm fairly new to teaching,
and I'm looking for advice.

46
00:02:05,295 --> 00:02:08,582
Every night I practice giving
lectures, sometimes twice.

47
00:02:08,584 --> 00:02:09,751
But when I teach

48
00:02:09,753 --> 00:02:12,925
magnetic force,
I just see eyeballs glazing.

49
00:02:12,927 --> 00:02:18,436
I asked around, and people say
your lectures are amazing.

50
00:02:18,438 --> 00:02:19,771
Which is really
saying something,

51
00:02:19,773 --> 00:02:21,976
because, architecture? Yawn.

52
00:02:21,978 --> 00:02:23,663
And Ted thought...

53
00:02:23,665 --> 00:02:25,984
Psh, yeah, 'cause physics
is so interesting.

54
00:02:25,986 --> 00:02:27,504
Go on.

55
00:02:27,506 --> 00:02:29,157
It's just
that you're so skilled,

56
00:02:29,159 --> 00:02:31,045
and I'm a relative beginner.

57
00:02:31,047 --> 00:02:34,834
If it isn't too much trouble,
can I take you out to dinner?

58
00:02:34,836 --> 00:02:38,559
I'd love to get some pointers,
and I shouldn't keep you late.

59
00:02:38,561 --> 00:02:40,012
What do you say?

60
00:02:40,014 --> 00:02:41,565
What do I say?

61
00:02:41,567 --> 00:02:43,202
Teddy Westside's
got a date!

62
00:02:43,204 --> 00:02:45,356
Hooray!
We cheered.

63
00:02:45,358 --> 00:02:46,375
Ted's off the bench!

64
00:02:46,377 --> 00:02:47,744
Our boy's back in the game!

65
00:02:47,746 --> 00:02:49,381
Thank God, it's been
a hundred years

66
00:02:49,383 --> 00:02:50,583
since Mosby scored a dame.

67
00:02:50,585 --> 00:02:52,470
The last time he saw
boobies was

68
00:02:52,472 --> 00:02:53,890
the screen-test
scene in Fame.

69
00:02:53,892 --> 00:02:55,343
The last girl he dated,

70
00:02:55,345 --> 00:02:57,213
I think "Righty" was her name.

71
00:02:57,215 --> 00:02:59,067
Hold it.
Let's not all go crazy

72
00:02:59,069 --> 00:03:00,770
like some wild berzerkers.

73
00:03:00,772 --> 00:03:03,442
What if this is just a business
meal between co-workers?

74
00:03:03,444 --> 00:03:05,563
Ted thought back
on past failed dates.

75
00:03:05,565 --> 00:03:07,667
Oh, God, that
could be true.

76
00:03:07,669 --> 00:03:10,873
How many times have I come
home to find my balls are blue?

77
00:03:10,875 --> 00:03:14,247
It all depends where Ted and
his new fetching young Floridian

78
00:03:14,249 --> 00:03:16,919
are standing in relation
to that puzzling meridian

79
00:03:16,921 --> 00:03:19,224
called
"The International Date Line."

80
00:03:19,226 --> 00:03:20,593
That's right, new theory.

81
00:03:20,595 --> 00:03:22,597
"What's that," you ask?
Nobody did.

82
00:03:22,599 --> 00:03:25,203
I'll now address your query!
The date line

83
00:03:25,205 --> 00:03:28,292
is the border betwixt happiness
and sorrow.

84
00:03:28,294 --> 00:03:30,613
On this side,
you go home tonight.

85
00:03:30,615 --> 00:03:33,452
On this side, home tomorrow.

86
00:03:33,454 --> 00:03:36,926
And then, as Barney made some
gestures that were rather rude,

87
00:03:36,928 --> 00:03:40,183
Ted left to go meet Lisa,
in a rather puzzled mood.

88
00:03:40,185 --> 00:03:41,903
Was this a date?

89
00:03:41,905 --> 00:03:43,823
He simply couldn't tell
how he was faring.

90
00:03:43,825 --> 00:03:45,026
Then Lisa showed up.

91
00:03:45,028 --> 00:03:48,532
Ted rejoiced to see
what she was wearing.

92
00:03:48,534 --> 00:03:50,036
For girls at business dinners

93
00:03:50,038 --> 00:03:52,156
don't have necklines
that revealing!

94
00:03:56,299 --> 00:03:59,471
But then a friendly handshake
gave poor Ted

95
00:03:59,473 --> 00:04:01,341
a sinking feeling.

96
00:04:05,517 --> 00:04:06,818
And so, the night wore on.

97
00:04:06,820 --> 00:04:09,324
And back and forth,
the globe rotated.

98
00:04:09,326 --> 00:04:13,048
But still, Ted's curiosity was
never fully sated.

99
00:04:13,050 --> 00:04:14,501
How long could this continue?

100
00:04:14,503 --> 00:04:16,338
He was truly fortune's pawn.

101
00:04:16,340 --> 00:04:18,375
Then Lisa saw the TV.

102
00:04:18,377 --> 00:04:19,811
Hey, the Yankees game is on!

103
00:04:19,813 --> 00:04:21,648
Of baseball...
Ted observed...

104
00:04:21,650 --> 00:04:24,437
you seem to have some
firsthand knowledge.

105
00:04:24,439 --> 00:04:26,325
To which the lady shrugged
and said...

106
00:04:26,327 --> 00:04:27,912
I played softball in college.

107
00:04:30,784 --> 00:04:32,570
Now the age-old softball
stereotype's just that,

108
00:04:32,572 --> 00:04:34,007
and nothing more.

109
00:04:34,009 --> 00:04:35,710
Yeah!
But as the Yankees got a run,

110
00:04:35,712 --> 00:04:37,797
Ted feared he wouldn't score.

111
00:04:37,799 --> 00:04:39,601
For while the date side
of the line's

112
00:04:39,603 --> 00:04:41,772
the one we all might guess
he's in,

113
00:04:41,774 --> 00:04:44,611
there'll be no joy in Tedville
if our Lisa is a...

114
00:04:44,613 --> 00:04:46,198
Yes! We win!

115
00:04:46,200 --> 00:04:48,569
Then Lisa took a drink
and said...

116
00:04:48,571 --> 00:04:50,573
This may sound kind of random,

117
00:04:50,575 --> 00:04:53,412
but there actually is a reason
for my rabid Yankee fandom.

118
00:04:53,414 --> 00:04:55,166
I guess I'll just be
honest here,

119
00:04:55,168 --> 00:04:57,220
though crazy it may seem.

120
00:04:57,222 --> 00:05:01,395
My first week in New York,
I dated someone on the team.

121
00:05:01,397 --> 00:05:02,480
Which player?

122
00:05:02,482 --> 00:05:04,133
I'm not saying.
Please?

123
00:05:04,135 --> 00:05:05,486
What are you, a reporter?

124
00:05:05,488 --> 00:05:06,855
Ted's mind began to race.

125
00:05:06,857 --> 00:05:08,659
The waiter came
to take their order.

126
00:05:08,661 --> 00:05:09,978
As Lisa said...

127
00:05:09,980 --> 00:05:12,083
I might like
the spaghetti marinara.

128
00:05:12,085 --> 00:05:13,535
Poor Ted just wondered
silently...

129
00:05:13,537 --> 00:05:15,974
Mariano Rivera?

130
00:05:15,976 --> 00:05:17,293
And as she said...

131
00:05:17,295 --> 00:05:19,330
I read this place has great
chicken Milano.

132
00:05:19,332 --> 00:05:21,551
All Ted could bring himself
to think was:

133
00:05:21,553 --> 00:05:23,639
Alfonso Soriano?

134
00:05:23,641 --> 00:05:25,242
I want something hearty.

135
00:05:25,244 --> 00:05:27,363
How about blackened miso cod?

136
00:05:27,365 --> 00:05:28,649
Is it Joe Girardi?

137
00:05:28,651 --> 00:05:31,021
Holy crap, is it A-Rod?

138
00:05:31,023 --> 00:05:32,623
Okay, Ted, calm down.

139
00:05:32,625 --> 00:05:34,327
You've got
to get yourself together.

140
00:05:34,329 --> 00:05:35,881
Just smile, be charming,

141
00:05:35,883 --> 00:05:38,252
ooze charisma,
talk about the weather.

142
00:05:38,254 --> 00:05:39,537
For this might be a date,

143
00:05:39,539 --> 00:05:41,758
which means there might be
hanky-panky.

144
00:05:41,760 --> 00:05:45,149
So, dude, be cool, relax,
don't even...

145
00:05:45,151 --> 00:05:47,070
Just tell me which Yankee!

146
00:05:48,456 --> 00:05:50,659
I'd rather not
discuss this here.

147
00:05:50,661 --> 00:05:52,413
But then again, I'd hate...

148
00:05:52,415 --> 00:05:55,586
to let a silly secret ruin
such a lovely date.

149
00:05:55,588 --> 00:05:56,956
If there's

150
00:05:56,958 --> 00:05:58,175
an elephant in the room,

151
00:05:58,177 --> 00:05:59,377
why don't we just remove it?

152
00:05:59,379 --> 00:06:00,713
I dated Derek Jeter.

153
00:06:00,715 --> 00:06:02,082
Here's a picture
that'll prove it.

154
00:06:02,084 --> 00:06:04,304
As Ted looked
at that cell phone pic,

155
00:06:04,306 --> 00:06:06,224
there were two things
he reckoned.

156
00:06:06,226 --> 00:06:08,094
This definitely was a date,

157
00:06:08,096 --> 00:06:10,866
but there wouldn't be a second.

158
00:06:11,769 --> 00:06:12,921
See? It worked.

159
00:06:12,923 --> 00:06:15,126
I said some rhymes,
and out my boy did conk.

160
00:06:15,794 --> 00:06:17,497
Now let's enjoy the ride.

161
00:06:18,417 --> 00:06:20,336
Move, jackass!

162
00:06:23,610 --> 00:06:27,218
Okay, I need a brand-new tale
to silence Marvin's chatter.

163
00:06:27,219 --> 00:06:30,223
I don't know, that last one had
some sketchy subject matter.

164
00:06:30,225 --> 00:06:33,296
Forgive me, but before you got
here, did you smoke a joint?

165
00:06:33,298 --> 00:06:35,567
You don't tell kids a tale
that crass!

166
00:06:35,569 --> 00:06:37,087
I guess he had a point.

167
00:06:37,089 --> 00:06:39,341
I know, I said some things
that were,

168
00:06:39,343 --> 00:06:41,479
as you say,
kind of questionable.

169
00:06:41,481 --> 00:06:43,533
The truth is,
children Marvin's age

170
00:06:43,535 --> 00:06:45,370
aren't really
that impressionable.

171
00:06:45,372 --> 00:06:47,909
Do you remember anything
from when you were this small?

172
00:06:47,911 --> 00:06:51,015
Pumpkin picking at age three is
the first thing I recall.

173
00:06:51,017 --> 00:06:52,384
Hmm.
Huh.

174
00:06:52,386 --> 00:06:53,770
He won't remember this.
I guess it's true.

175
00:06:53,772 --> 00:06:55,006
It better be.

176
00:06:55,008 --> 00:06:56,192
Or else we'll end up paying

177
00:06:56,194 --> 00:06:57,677
through the nose
for Marvin's therapy.

178
00:06:57,679 --> 00:07:00,617
Okay, buddy, nice chat,
but I think I need a break.

179
00:07:00,619 --> 00:07:01,519
Great idea.

180
00:07:01,521 --> 00:07:03,573
After this story!

181
00:07:03,575 --> 00:07:05,527
Robin Takes the Cake.

182
00:07:10,638 --> 00:07:12,508
Once in an East Side bakery,

183
00:07:12,510 --> 00:07:15,647
your debonair Aunt Robin was
making other customers think,

184
00:07:15,649 --> 00:07:17,601
"Geez, who let this slob in?"

185
00:07:17,603 --> 00:07:20,857
She didn't care about their
stares, or who was looking on.

186
00:07:20,859 --> 00:07:22,227
She'd just broke up with...

187
00:07:22,229 --> 00:07:23,413
Kevin.

188
00:07:23,415 --> 00:07:26,169
No, Gael. Or Scooby?

189
00:07:27,288 --> 00:07:28,907
Don?

190
00:07:29,576 --> 00:07:30,794
Now, sometimes,

191
00:07:30,796 --> 00:07:31,964
when it rains it pours,

192
00:07:31,966 --> 00:07:33,216
and sometimes,
it starts snowing,

193
00:07:33,218 --> 00:07:35,753
for as cream filling
hit her shirt...

194
00:07:35,755 --> 00:07:37,274
Hey, Robin, how's it going?

195
00:07:37,276 --> 00:07:39,111
'Twas Simon, her ex-boyfriend

196
00:07:39,113 --> 00:07:41,482
from her younger days
in Canada,

197
00:07:41,484 --> 00:07:43,269
but now, he looked
quite different...

198
00:07:43,271 --> 00:07:45,740
Um...

199
00:07:45,742 --> 00:07:47,127
Rhyme.

200
00:07:47,129 --> 00:07:49,781
Uh... thinking. Uh...

201
00:07:49,783 --> 00:07:52,120
I've just been handed
a news flash.

202
00:07:52,122 --> 00:07:53,891
The word "Canada"
is unrhymeable.

203
00:07:53,893 --> 00:07:55,293
It's easier to—
I don't know—

204
00:07:55,295 --> 00:07:57,231
get drunk and try
to climb a bull.

205
00:07:57,233 --> 00:07:59,652
But Canada, damn it,
ask any man on the planet

206
00:07:59,654 --> 00:08:00,988
and watch
their stammerin' stamina

207
00:08:00,990 --> 00:08:03,860
as they clamor and cram it
into the middle of a sentence

208
00:08:03,862 --> 00:08:05,196
for a shot at repentance,

209
00:08:05,198 --> 00:08:07,618
pass the problem on to all
their non-rhyming descendants.

210
00:08:07,620 --> 00:08:10,006
I've never met anyone who could
clean up after Canada.

211
00:08:10,008 --> 00:08:11,792
Except my Uncle Tony
from the Bronx.

212
00:08:11,794 --> 00:08:12,929
He's a janitor.

213
00:08:16,770 --> 00:08:19,893
Show-off.

214
00:08:19,895 --> 00:08:21,696
Simon. Nice to see you.

215
00:08:21,698 --> 00:08:23,783
So, what brings you to New York?

216
00:08:23,785 --> 00:08:25,320
I live here now.
What? Really?

217
00:08:25,322 --> 00:08:26,872
Yeah.
That's great.

218
00:08:26,874 --> 00:08:28,326
Can I get a fork?

219
00:08:28,328 --> 00:08:29,745
He'd always been a deadbeat

220
00:08:29,747 --> 00:08:31,499
and your classic hoser phony,

221
00:08:31,501 --> 00:08:34,421
but seeing Simon all cleaned up
hit Robin like a Zamboni.

222
00:08:34,423 --> 00:08:36,676
And as she looked him
up and down,

223
00:08:36,678 --> 00:08:38,146
young Robin felt a tingle.

224
00:08:38,148 --> 00:08:40,016
Had Simon blossomed finally?

225
00:08:40,018 --> 00:08:41,987
And if so, was he single?

226
00:08:41,989 --> 00:08:43,356
So great.

227
00:08:43,358 --> 00:08:45,777
She purred, whilst batting
her eyelashes like a flooze.

228
00:08:45,779 --> 00:08:48,065
Yup, I'm engaged
to Louise Marsh,

229
00:08:48,067 --> 00:08:49,835
and our pad's got a Jacuzz!

230
00:08:49,837 --> 00:08:52,073
The bakery spinned,
the floor dropped out.

231
00:08:52,075 --> 00:08:53,793
The air was thick as syrup.

232
00:08:53,795 --> 00:08:55,881
Poor Robin swooned,
she couldn't breathe,

233
00:08:55,883 --> 00:08:57,517
her eyes began to tear up.

234
00:08:57,519 --> 00:08:59,588
And as she tried
to stammer some excuse

235
00:08:59,590 --> 00:09:01,392
to get away, Simon said:

236
00:09:01,394 --> 00:09:03,646
Our wedding cake is
pretty bitchin', eh?

237
00:09:03,648 --> 00:09:07,154
And so was born the worst idea
poor Robin's ever had.

238
00:09:07,156 --> 00:09:09,708
And on Ted's door
there came a rapping.

239
00:09:09,710 --> 00:09:11,779
I did something bad.

240
00:09:11,781 --> 00:09:13,332
As Robin told her tale,

241
00:09:13,334 --> 00:09:15,503
Ted knew
she'd made a massive boo-boo.

242
00:09:15,505 --> 00:09:19,812
For stealing someone's wedding
cake is terribly bad juju.

243
00:09:19,814 --> 00:09:22,317
Robin, I'm beside myself
to see what you've become!

244
00:09:22,319 --> 00:09:24,271
You must return
this cake at once!

245
00:09:24,273 --> 00:09:25,273
I can't!
Why not?

246
00:09:25,275 --> 00:09:26,575
'Cause...

247
00:09:26,577 --> 00:09:27,995
Yum.

248
00:09:27,997 --> 00:09:32,254
Ted gasped, for he had never
seen a brazen act so vicious.

249
00:09:32,256 --> 00:09:34,091
Robin felt remorse, and yet...

250
00:09:34,093 --> 00:09:36,128
Oh, God, this is delicious!

251
00:09:36,130 --> 00:09:39,886
So one piece led to two,
then three, then five, then 17.

252
00:09:39,888 --> 00:09:44,010
She savaged that poor cake
like some rapacious wolverine.

253
00:09:44,012 --> 00:09:47,016
Eating, gobbling, munching,
so the frenzied night wore on.

254
00:09:47,018 --> 00:09:48,820
And by the time
your mom arrived,

255
00:09:48,822 --> 00:09:50,790
the cake was halfway gone.

256
00:09:50,792 --> 00:09:52,544
I came as soon as I got word.

257
00:09:52,546 --> 00:09:54,381
So how bad is the damage?

258
00:09:54,383 --> 00:09:58,589
See for yourself the product
of her cake-in-gullet crammage!

259
00:09:58,591 --> 00:09:59,926
Half a cake?

260
00:09:59,928 --> 00:10:01,328
What have I done?

261
00:10:01,330 --> 00:10:03,432
The world shall not forgive it!

262
00:10:03,434 --> 00:10:05,186
This day will live in infamy.

263
00:10:05,188 --> 00:10:07,390
I never shall outlive it!

264
00:10:07,392 --> 00:10:09,027
For I have become

265
00:10:09,029 --> 00:10:12,067
the girl that eats her feelings,
don't mistake it.

266
00:10:12,069 --> 00:10:15,256
I think I need to get out
of this chair before I break it.

267
00:10:15,258 --> 00:10:18,012
Nonsense! Hogwash! Balderdash!

268
00:10:18,014 --> 00:10:19,598
Said Mommy, with great fervor.

269
00:10:19,600 --> 00:10:22,420
You can't stop now,
for don't you see?

270
00:10:22,422 --> 00:10:26,261
To the uninformed observer,
you're not some sad cliché,

271
00:10:26,263 --> 00:10:29,484
some loser
from a chick-lit story.

272
00:10:29,486 --> 00:10:33,209
You're Robin, and you're half
a wedding cake away from glory!

273
00:10:33,211 --> 00:10:36,114
If you quit now,
then Simon wins,

274
00:10:36,116 --> 00:10:38,118
the tale comes to a stop

275
00:10:38,120 --> 00:10:40,590
at how you saw
an ex, freaked out,

276
00:10:40,592 --> 00:10:42,310
and robbed a pastry shop.

277
00:10:42,312 --> 00:10:44,933
If you have the guts, my dear,

278
00:10:44,935 --> 00:10:47,153
it's time to get empowered

279
00:10:47,155 --> 00:10:49,324
and be remembered for this

280
00:10:49,326 --> 00:10:51,997
sweet behemoth you devoured.

281
00:10:51,999 --> 00:10:53,249
And years from now,

282
00:10:53,251 --> 00:10:56,205
the troubadour will
raise his voice and sing

283
00:10:56,207 --> 00:10:59,011
of the time that Robin
took the cake.

284
00:10:59,013 --> 00:11:01,048
And ate the whole...

285
00:11:01,050 --> 00:11:02,300
damned...

286
00:11:02,302 --> 00:11:03,636
thing.

287
00:11:03,638 --> 00:11:06,358
Once more into the breach
she surged,

288
00:11:06,360 --> 00:11:08,012
as Ted and Mommy cheered

289
00:11:08,014 --> 00:11:11,702
and bite by bite the towering
confection disappeared.

290
00:11:11,704 --> 00:11:13,656
Some friends were called
to come and watch.

291
00:11:13,658 --> 00:11:15,243
And no one had to beg.

292
00:11:15,245 --> 00:11:16,528
It soon became a party.

293
00:11:16,530 --> 00:11:18,466
Barney even got a keg.

294
00:11:18,468 --> 00:11:21,555
Forkful after forkful,
Robin guzzled French vanilla

295
00:11:21,557 --> 00:11:24,044
making noises not unlike those
made by a gorilla.

296
00:11:24,046 --> 00:11:25,847
Ooh, ooh, ooh!
Come on, Robin, finish it.

297
00:11:25,849 --> 00:11:28,569
Yeah.
Mom's exhortations rang

298
00:11:28,571 --> 00:11:32,226
like Apollo coaching Rocky
'gainst a frosted Clubber Lang.

299
00:11:32,228 --> 00:11:33,863
Oh, Rocky IV, my favorite.

300
00:11:33,865 --> 00:11:35,533
No, no, IV is with the Russians.

301
00:11:35,535 --> 00:11:37,403
No, IV's the one
where he talks weird

302
00:11:37,405 --> 00:11:38,924
because of his
concussions.

303
00:11:38,926 --> 00:11:40,376
I think that's all of them.
Hey now,

304
00:11:40,378 --> 00:11:43,132
no need to be discordant.
It's Rocky IV.

305
00:11:43,134 --> 00:11:44,851
No, III.
No, II.

306
00:11:44,853 --> 00:11:46,722
It's really
not important.

307
00:11:46,724 --> 00:11:50,613
At last young Robin raised
the final bite up to her lips

308
00:11:50,615 --> 00:11:51,933
the crowd grew still.

309
00:11:51,935 --> 00:11:53,954
The only sound was Barney

310
00:11:53,956 --> 00:11:55,740
eating chips.

311
00:11:57,378 --> 00:11:59,081
Just one bite left.

312
00:11:59,083 --> 00:12:02,120
Hey, this is like that scene
from Cool Hand Luke. You know,

313
00:12:02,122 --> 00:12:04,007
"My boy can eat 50 eggs " Right?

314
00:12:04,009 --> 00:12:05,978
She's gonna puke.

315
00:12:06,846 --> 00:12:08,149
But Robin did not puke.

316
00:12:08,151 --> 00:12:10,403
She ate that bite
and stood up, proud.

317
00:12:13,661 --> 00:12:16,081
Wait. I'm not done yet.

318
00:12:16,083 --> 00:12:17,834
She shouted,
to the startled crowd.

319
00:12:17,836 --> 00:12:19,755
I've bested
this here wedding cake.

320
00:12:19,757 --> 00:12:21,458
I'll gladly wear that crown.

321
00:12:21,460 --> 00:12:22,627
But now that I have

322
00:12:22,629 --> 00:12:25,016
done that task it's time
to wash it down.

323
00:12:25,018 --> 00:12:27,270
For it's been such
an awesome night,

324
00:12:27,272 --> 00:12:29,775
there's just one way
to cap it.

325
00:12:29,777 --> 00:12:32,147
I'm going to drink
this entire keg.

326
00:12:33,450 --> 00:12:35,153
Okay, Barney, tap it.

327
00:12:35,155 --> 00:12:36,472
Oh!
Wow.

328
00:12:38,326 --> 00:12:40,163
Hup.
Ho-o, oh.

329
00:12:40,165 --> 00:12:43,586
And now that night's remembered
not for Robin getting dumped

330
00:12:43,588 --> 00:12:47,010
but as the night we took her
in to get her stomach pumped.

331
00:12:47,678 --> 00:12:49,064
And look at that,

332
00:12:49,066 --> 00:12:51,551
the little angel's
sleeping soundly, Gus.

333
00:12:51,553 --> 00:12:53,189
Looks like our problems...

334
00:12:53,191 --> 00:12:54,191
Pick a lane!

335
00:12:55,411 --> 00:12:58,900
I hate this
stupid bus.

336
00:13:00,825 --> 00:13:04,258
Marvin, I'm afraid
this night is not much of a winner.

337
00:13:04,259 --> 00:13:06,127
Stuck in traffic,
now we've missed

338
00:13:06,129 --> 00:13:08,064
the whole rehearsal dinner.

339
00:13:08,066 --> 00:13:11,004
I pray that I was right
and that you'll have no memory

340
00:13:11,006 --> 00:13:14,160
of this godforsaken ride
down the congested LIE.

341
00:13:14,162 --> 00:13:16,397
At least we know
one thing for sure:

342
00:13:16,399 --> 00:13:18,034
things can't get worse, I swear.

343
00:13:18,036 --> 00:13:20,539
Adios, truck stop
burrito. Ooh!

344
00:13:20,541 --> 00:13:22,259
Do not go in there.

345
00:13:22,261 --> 00:13:26,384
Okay, one more story,
and I'll try to tell it pretty.

346
00:13:26,386 --> 00:13:28,388
The tale of Barney Stinson,

347
00:13:28,390 --> 00:13:30,859
Player King of New York City.

348
00:13:35,955 --> 00:13:38,910
Once upon a time, we all
went out to get our drink on.

349
00:13:38,912 --> 00:13:40,779
When who should
walk in but a girl

350
00:13:40,781 --> 00:13:43,118
with sweater tight and pink on.

351
00:13:43,120 --> 00:13:44,203
She ordered up a beer.

352
00:13:44,205 --> 00:13:46,007
I think you see where
this is going.

353
00:13:46,009 --> 00:13:48,311
As Barney put it,
oh so eloquently:

354
00:13:48,313 --> 00:13:50,048
Boy-oy-oy-oing.

355
00:13:50,050 --> 00:13:53,721
He rose to go approach this
girl commanding such intrigue

356
00:13:53,723 --> 00:13:55,075
when Mommy interrupted:

357
00:13:55,077 --> 00:13:57,162
Dude, she's way
out of your league.

358
00:13:57,164 --> 00:14:01,087
She's not in Daisy Dukes,
nor squeezed into a Hooters tee.

359
00:14:01,089 --> 00:14:03,074
And I don't see a
Curves membership

360
00:14:03,076 --> 00:14:04,543
dangling from
her key.

361
00:14:04,545 --> 00:14:05,578
She has no glaring

362
00:14:05,580 --> 00:14:09,086
spray tan, no
unicorn tattoos.

363
00:14:09,088 --> 00:14:13,261
She's sipping Chardonnay, not pounding
cherry-flavored booze.

364
00:14:13,263 --> 00:14:14,447
Her makeup
isn't running,

365
00:14:14,449 --> 00:14:16,267
she's not playing
with her hair.

366
00:14:16,269 --> 00:14:19,440
There's very little chance
she'll let you put it anywhere.

367
00:14:19,442 --> 00:14:21,661
Your challenge is accepted, Lil.

368
00:14:21,663 --> 00:14:23,715
There is no girl too pretty,

369
00:14:23,717 --> 00:14:25,452
for I am Barney Stinson,

370
00:14:25,454 --> 00:14:27,891
Player King of New York City.

371
00:14:27,893 --> 00:14:30,262
You can't anoint
yourself the king,

372
00:14:30,264 --> 00:14:32,232
just like that jerk, LeBron.

373
00:14:32,234 --> 00:14:34,437
He left the Cavs
three years ago.

374
00:14:34,439 --> 00:14:36,190
Bro, give it
up, move on.

375
00:14:36,192 --> 00:14:37,192
So why

376
00:14:37,194 --> 00:14:38,695
am I king?
Glad you asked.

377
00:14:38,697 --> 00:14:39,747
We didn't.
Never do.

378
00:14:39,749 --> 00:14:41,617
It's origin
story time.

379
00:14:41,619 --> 00:14:44,323
And trust me,
every word is true.

380
00:14:44,325 --> 00:14:47,829
One morning long ago,
I woke up next to a conquest.

381
00:14:47,831 --> 00:14:50,102
So many great things
'bout this girl: her boobs,

382
00:14:50,104 --> 00:14:52,839
her rack, her chest.

383
00:14:52,841 --> 00:14:54,393
She had a thirst for action,

384
00:14:54,395 --> 00:14:56,564
and young Barney
was a-quenchin' it.

385
00:14:56,566 --> 00:14:57,951
Is this important
to the story?

386
00:14:57,953 --> 00:14:59,737
No, just thought
I'd mention it.

387
00:14:59,739 --> 00:15:02,994
As I departed, having bid
this busty babe buh-bye,

388
00:15:02,996 --> 00:15:05,132
I stopped and looked around,
and wondered:

389
00:15:05,134 --> 00:15:06,467
Where the hell am I?

390
00:15:06,469 --> 00:15:08,973
The sign read 22nd Street,
and my concern decreased

391
00:15:08,975 --> 00:15:12,212
until a cold wind
blew a branch aside,

392
00:15:12,214 --> 00:15:13,515
"East."

393
00:15:13,517 --> 00:15:15,987
The East Side. No.

394
00:15:15,989 --> 00:15:17,222
Wh-What have I done?

395
00:15:17,224 --> 00:15:18,658
I stammered with chagrin.

396
00:15:18,660 --> 00:15:20,412
Just then a black sedan
pulled up...

397
00:15:20,414 --> 00:15:22,116
You Barney?
Yeah.

398
00:15:22,118 --> 00:15:23,668
Get in.

399
00:15:23,670 --> 00:15:24,921
Is any of this true?

400
00:15:24,923 --> 00:15:28,044
Of course. Now,
hang on to your "chayers."

401
00:15:28,046 --> 00:15:30,515
For that day
I was called before...

402
00:15:30,517 --> 00:15:33,104
the High Council of Players.

403
00:15:33,106 --> 00:15:36,527
Gentlemen, for your attendance
here, our deepest thanks.

404
00:15:36,529 --> 00:15:40,819
I'm sad to say, this council
has a poacher in its ranks.

405
00:15:40,821 --> 00:15:42,272
For Barney here

406
00:15:42,274 --> 00:15:44,543
picked up a girl
outside his territory.

407
00:15:44,545 --> 00:15:45,545
The East Side

408
00:15:45,547 --> 00:15:47,216
is Tuxedo Charlie's turf.

409
00:15:47,218 --> 00:15:48,301
He's mad.

410
00:15:48,303 --> 00:15:49,703
True story.

411
00:15:49,705 --> 00:15:53,294
The Agreement of 2004
quite clearly did define

412
00:15:53,296 --> 00:15:56,367
Fifth Avenue to be our hunting
grounds' dividing line.

413
00:15:56,369 --> 00:16:00,826
Your West Side college girls are
not the slip I park my boat in.

414
00:16:00,828 --> 00:16:02,146
So you should know

415
00:16:02,148 --> 00:16:06,053
my East Side debutantes
are quite verboten.

416
00:16:06,055 --> 00:16:08,208
Members
of the council...

417
00:16:08,210 --> 00:16:10,996
Bros... nobody wants a war.

418
00:16:10,998 --> 00:16:14,136
Of course I've not
forgotten the agreement of '04.

419
00:16:14,138 --> 00:16:15,940
What can I say? A bonehead move.

420
00:16:15,942 --> 00:16:17,626
Defend it?
I'm not able.

421
00:16:17,628 --> 00:16:20,115
But, bros, have I not been a bro

422
00:16:20,117 --> 00:16:21,701
to each bro at this table?

423
00:16:21,703 --> 00:16:23,956
My friend from Brooklyn,
Pickle Jar Bob,

424
00:16:23,958 --> 00:16:25,709
will give some validation.

425
00:16:25,711 --> 00:16:26,945
Remember that
young tourist

426
00:16:26,947 --> 00:16:29,533
who was looking
for Penn Station?

427
00:16:29,535 --> 00:16:32,256
She'd just come in from Boston,
had a wicked good-in-bed look.

428
00:16:32,258 --> 00:16:36,314
I gave her bad directions
and she ended up in Red Hook.

429
00:16:36,316 --> 00:16:38,268
Shut up, Barney.
Whoa, Bronx Donnie,

430
00:16:38,270 --> 00:16:39,988
let's not get excited.

431
00:16:39,990 --> 00:16:43,228
Tuxedo Charlie's not the only
one here who's been slighted.

432
00:16:43,230 --> 00:16:46,801
You told her you were Jeter
in your quest to lie upon her.

433
00:16:46,803 --> 00:16:49,290
Impersonating Yankees
is my thing.

434
00:16:49,292 --> 00:16:50,960
Have you no honor?

435
00:16:50,962 --> 00:16:53,014
Gentlemen, please,
let's not blow

436
00:16:53,016 --> 00:16:54,968
this détente
to smithereens.

437
00:16:54,970 --> 00:16:57,255
Council recognizes Captain Bill,

438
00:16:57,257 --> 00:16:58,725
our bro from Queens.

439
00:16:58,727 --> 00:16:59,927
Thank you.

440
00:16:59,929 --> 00:17:01,113
You all know me,

441
00:17:01,115 --> 00:17:02,799
and you all
respect my game.

442
00:17:03,903 --> 00:17:06,290
I dress up like a pilot
and meet girls in baggage claim.

443
00:17:06,292 --> 00:17:09,580
And on my long-ass subway ride
from 61st and Woodside,

444
00:17:09,582 --> 00:17:12,669
I came up with a plan to keep you
each other's good side.

445
00:17:12,671 --> 00:17:15,225
Barney,
you have wronged these two.

446
00:17:15,227 --> 00:17:16,560
So, for the game

447
00:17:16,562 --> 00:17:18,798
they're losing,
you now must grant them each

448
00:17:18,800 --> 00:17:21,320
a West Side hottie
of their choosing.

449
00:17:21,322 --> 00:17:22,389
You're kidding.

450
00:17:22,391 --> 00:17:23,825
That's the settlement?

451
00:17:23,827 --> 00:17:25,762
Come on, that's rather silly.
Gentlemen,

452
00:17:25,764 --> 00:17:26,781
what say you?

453
00:17:26,783 --> 00:17:27,783
I want Robin.

454
00:17:27,785 --> 00:17:28,751
I want Lily.

455
00:17:28,753 --> 00:17:30,789
Please. Bronx Donnie?

456
00:17:30,791 --> 00:17:33,127
No chance he could
get me in the sack.

457
00:17:33,129 --> 00:17:36,017
Tell that Mafioso I know
something he can whack.

458
00:17:36,019 --> 00:17:37,502
Ladies, don't
you worry,

459
00:17:37,504 --> 00:17:39,673
your fair legs can
all stay closed.

460
00:17:39,675 --> 00:17:40,976
'Cause luckily
they took

461
00:17:40,978 --> 00:17:43,982
the counteroffer
I proposed.

462
00:17:43,984 --> 00:17:45,285
Well, gentlemen,

463
00:17:45,287 --> 00:17:47,139
it seems there's nothing
I can say to sway you.

464
00:17:47,141 --> 00:17:48,474
Charlie, Donnie,

465
00:17:48,476 --> 00:17:50,328
say no more,
I gladly will repay you.

466
00:17:50,330 --> 00:17:52,549
Carlotta, some champagne.

467
00:17:52,551 --> 00:17:56,424
Let's toast before
we all adjourn.

468
00:17:58,595 --> 00:18:00,849
To boobies.

469
00:18:02,386 --> 00:18:03,604
Oh, and B-T-dub,

470
00:18:03,606 --> 00:18:05,358
y'all just drank poison.

471
00:18:05,360 --> 00:18:06,494
Ha-burn.

472
00:18:23,612 --> 00:18:26,066
And thus, my friends,
I have become,

473
00:18:26,068 --> 00:18:28,103
through methods somewhat gory

474
00:18:28,105 --> 00:18:30,825
the Player King
of New York City.

475
00:18:30,827 --> 00:18:31,995
Boom.

476
00:18:31,997 --> 00:18:34,282
The end.

477
00:18:34,284 --> 00:18:35,635
True story.

478
00:18:35,637 --> 00:18:37,139
Well, that was great.

479
00:18:37,141 --> 00:18:39,092
Your little story
tickled all our ribs.

480
00:18:39,094 --> 00:18:41,013
But one mistake
you made, sir,

481
00:18:41,015 --> 00:18:43,401
was forgetting
to call dibs.

482
00:18:44,071 --> 00:18:45,471
No! Not fair.

483
00:18:45,473 --> 00:18:47,108
But I'm the king.

484
00:18:47,110 --> 00:18:49,998
And such a better dresser.
Sorry, dude,

485
00:18:50,000 --> 00:18:51,417
but that's revenge

486
00:18:51,419 --> 00:18:54,122
for Lisa the professor.

487
00:18:55,210 --> 00:18:56,627
Let's have
another round.

488
00:18:56,629 --> 00:18:57,846
Yes.
Your mommy said.

489
00:18:57,848 --> 00:18:59,633
And so we had one.

490
00:18:59,635 --> 00:19:01,520
The night wore on,
and I must say,

491
00:19:01,522 --> 00:19:03,474
it wasn't a half bad one.

492
00:19:03,476 --> 00:19:05,778
What memories.
Our young and happy hearts

493
00:19:05,780 --> 00:19:08,618
were hot as fire.

494
00:19:08,620 --> 00:19:11,740
Feels like a lifetime
since those days.

495
00:19:13,378 --> 00:19:15,498
Sorry, folks,

496
00:19:15,500 --> 00:19:16,968
flat tire.

497
00:19:16,970 --> 00:19:18,471
Oh, come on.

498
00:19:18,473 --> 00:19:20,976
Now I'm never gonna
make it to Nantucket.

499
00:19:28,776 --> 00:19:30,695
Oh, look a
fireworks display.

500
00:19:30,697 --> 00:19:32,282
Some rockets
red glare action.

501
00:19:32,284 --> 00:19:33,567
Thank God.

502
00:19:33,569 --> 00:19:37,175
Thought my glaucoma drops
were causing a reaction.

503
00:19:37,177 --> 00:19:41,300
Marvin, I'm so sorry this
whole journey's been a bummer.

504
00:19:41,302 --> 00:19:46,393
Soon you'll be right back in
Mommy's arms, as warm as summer.

505
00:19:46,395 --> 00:19:49,984
But sadly while your troubles
stop once we get to the inn

506
00:19:49,986 --> 00:19:53,374
the moment we arrive
is when my troubles will begin.

507
00:19:53,376 --> 00:19:55,996
Sometimes daddies screw up,

508
00:19:55,998 --> 00:19:58,634
sometimes mommies get upset.

509
00:19:58,636 --> 00:20:02,142
I really hope this weekend
is a memory you'll forget.

510
00:20:02,144 --> 00:20:05,648
So look up at those fireworks,
enjoy the falling embers...

511
00:20:05,650 --> 00:20:09,272
And that, kids,
is the very first thing

512
00:20:09,274 --> 00:20:12,746
your cousin
Marvin remembers.

513
00:20:15,212 --> 00:20:18,451
Gentlemen and ladies,
it'll be an hour or so...

514
00:20:18,452 --> 00:20:20,538
before the truck
gets here to give our

515
00:20:20,540 --> 00:20:22,241
broken bus a tow.

516
00:20:22,243 --> 00:20:25,966
So in the meantime I suggest
we all get nice and cozy.

517
00:20:25,968 --> 00:20:28,554
We're gonna be here
for a while.

518
00:20:30,058 --> 00:20:32,528
Uh, ring-around-the-rosy?

519
00:20:32,530 --> 00:20:34,532
Yeah!

520
00:20:34,534 --> 00:20:37,939
How far do you suppose it is
to the Farhampton Inn?

521
00:20:37,941 --> 00:20:39,910
I'd say about five miles away.

522
00:20:39,912 --> 00:20:41,630
Oh, no.

523
00:20:41,632 --> 00:20:43,083
What's with the grin?

524
00:20:43,085 --> 00:20:45,287
Then Marshall
looked up heavenward,

525
00:20:45,289 --> 00:20:47,175
and swore by night's first star

526
00:20:47,177 --> 00:20:49,596
five simple words
he'd soon regret:

527
00:20:49,598 --> 00:20:51,066
I can walk that far.