Kids, when your
Uncle Marshall's bus broke down
five miles away
from the Farhampton Inn,
he made a vow.
I can walk that far.
Yes. It was another
exciting installment of...
Oh. Hey.
You didn't see this.
Excuse me. Hey.
You guys need a lift?
And that's how
Marshall met your mother.
This is great.
The whole gang together.
Well, almost
the whole gang.
Yeah, there's just one beloved
piece of the puzzle missing.
A bottle of 30-year
Glen McKenna scotch.
Mmm...
So far, that weekend
had been fatal
for not just one...
but two bottles of $600 scotch
intended
for a special wedding toast.
Also, where the
hell is Marshall?
I still can't believe he took
the judgeship behind my back.
Look, I know this is messy, my
dream versus Marshall's dream.
I won't force you guys
to choose sides.
Good, because I totally side
with Marshall.
That would've been so awkward.
Hey, let's go see if they have
any Glen McKenna up at the bar.
Okay.
Hey, look, don't be mad.
Barney just thinks
that if he has a judge friend,
he can get all of his citations
for public urination thrown out.
How often does Barney pee
in public?
A lot.
But don't worry.
I'm on your side.
Aw...
What's poppin', mi amigas?
Oh, boy, who's this idiot?
And which one of us is he
gonna try to make the sex on?
You both look beautiful tonight.
Bro, going for the tricycle.
Can you imagine having
a three-way with this creep?
Yeah, right.
You, me and this guy,
naked, going at it.
Then he gets tired and it's
just you and me going at it.
Uh, Lily...
That'd be so stupid.
So stupid...
Um, okay, I'll shoot him down.
By the way, I am so psyched
for the wedding tomorrow, Robin.
I'm truly honored
that you and Barney
asked me to be a part of it.
We're honored...
you're here...
valued invitee.
Help me. Who is this?
Maybe he's one of your
long-lost Canadian cousins?
Uh, do you happen to have all
of your fingers and teeth?
Uh... yeah.
Not one of my cousins.
Hey, thanks again
for picking us up.
It's been a crazy
couple of days.
You can't imagine
what we've been through.
Wait, let me guess.
You were visiting a relative,
maybe... your mother?
And I'm getting
a Midwest vibe,
somewhere like...
Wisconsin...
no, Minnesota?
Wow.
You're-you're, like,
really good at this.
You're planning an overseas trip
with your wife.
I'm seeing a...
a feisty redhead who loves art.
She just got a job
in Europe, maybe France?
No. Italy?
Total shot in the dark, but...
Rome?
Maybe I'll just, like...
I'll get out
right here.
You're not going anywhere.
No, I'm just messin' with ya.
I rode the train with your wife.
She told me all about you.
You must be Marshall.
Um...
I was checking on the baby.
Wait-wait a minute,
wait a minute.
So you guys both got locked out
on the roof in your pajamas?
You guys are hilarious
and adorable!
Any idea who this guy is?
No, but I like that he gets
how hilarious
and adorable we are!
We are hilarious and adorable!
I'll get the next round.
Oh, thanks.
Thanks, Lil.
Hey, I'm sorry if
I barged in on you guys.
I can be a little overeager
to connect sometimes.
Probably because of
my childhood.
Right.
Because of that thing
that happened.
My mother died
on a hunting trip
when I was very young.
Yeah, that's it,
that's the thing.
Sorry, blah, too heavy!
So, Robin.
What's going on...
with you?
Oh, nothing.
I mean, uh, nothing big, anyway.
Hey, hey, hey...
this is me
you're talking to.
Well, there is
this thing with Lily...
You know, Ted,
if you really want
to get a bottle
of Glen McKenna 30-year
for Barney,
I got that last one at
the Farhampton Liquor Store.
The security there
is a total joke!
No, see, I don't
want to know that.
I won't be an accomplice
to grand larceny.
I am not confirming
or denying a thing.
But there's a really high window
in the storage room
and if you climb up...
La la la la la,
I'm not listening!
I love Barney,
but I'm not going
to jail for him.
What? Really?
Why not?
I'd go to jail for you.
No, you wouldn't.
Yes, I would.
Going to jail for
your best friend?
That's the dream.
Really?
That's the dream?
Yeah, it's the most noble...
nay, bro-ble...
thing a bro can do
for a fellow bro.
Mm-hmm.
So, yes, Ted, that's the dream.
You're too liberal with the
"That's the dream."
Name one other time
I've said that!
A suit made of prosciutto
so you can eat your way naked,
"That's the dream."
A pack of lions
fighting a tyrannosaurus,
"That's the dream."
Being able to take
a whole year's worth of dumps
in one, nonstop 24-hour period
then not having to dump again
for the rest of the year,
"That's the dream."
I never said Dump Day
was the dream.
I said science is
this close to a pill.
There can only be
one "the dream"!
You're saying it's going
to jail for a bro?
You're comfortable
with that being
the one and only
dream, forever?
Yes.
Great, now you can never
use that phrase again.
And for me,
that's the dream.
Hey, Lily, Robin just
told me about Italy!
Oh, yeah, it's gonna be great.
Well, that is, if I can
convince my husband
to keep his promise
and move there with me.
Robin, I know
you told me you want
Marshall to win,
but I don't know.
I gotta side
with Lily on this one.
Later, skaters.
Thanks again
for saving us.
Well, I don't normally
stop like that,
but I just had to for the cutest
hitchhiker in the world!
Thank you.
Oh, you were talking
about Marvin.
Sorry, it's been
a really, really long day.
When we get there,
I'll buy you a drink.
Thank you,
but, um, after I drop you off,
I'm heading back to the city.
What?
I thought you said that
your-your band's
playing the wedding.
Why are you leaving?
The lead singer.
He's the devil.
He's a total fire-starter.
He just ruins
people's lives
for his own amusement.
You know, he will walk
up to two friends,
he will find the one thing
that will destroy their
friendship and just... poof!
burn it to the ground.
Wow.
What's his name?
What's poppin',
mi amigos?
Darren.
You're rooting
for Marshall?
Well, why don't you just get
a Team Marshall T-shirt?
What size are you?
Extra-traitor?
No. No, okay...
What I said was...
See, all I meant was...
God, how did we get here?
That's the question
you're left asking yourself.
So here's how
he does it:
First, he makes you
feel like you are
the most hilarious
and adorable person
in the world...
You guys are
hilarious
and adorable!
I like that he gets
how hilarious
and adorable we are.
We are hilarious and adorable.
Next, he finds some flimsy
connection with you
based on where you're from...
Cleveland?
Yeah.
Galluci's serves the
best pepperoni
bread!
Best pepperoni bread!
And Staten Island!
Guys getting in fights
on their front lawns!
It's like you're
from there!
This guy's awesome!
So awesome!
I'd totally go to jail for him.
That hurts.
Next, he tells you
a "deep personal secret"
that is usually
the tragic back-story
from an animated kid's film.
My mother died on
a hunting trip.
It's often Bambi.
My father was
betrayed and killed
by a trusted advisor.
Sometimes he'll throw a little
Lion King in there.
I have no family.
But tonight...
I think maybe
I found two brothers.
Sorry, blah, too heavy.
That's okay, man.
Let me get you a drink.
And then, once
your guard is down,
the emotional
prostate exam begins...
So, Ted,
what's going on...
with you?
Well... I mean,
there was this thing...
Never mind.
Hey, hey, hey...
This is me you're talking to.
Look, all I meant
was that there are
two sides here.
Yes...
Italy is your dream,
but being a judge is Marshall's.
Well, that
and teaching prop comedy
to a tropical bird.
Parrot Top has nothing
to do with this!
I don't need
objectivity.
You're my best friend;
I just need your support.
I understand.
You got it.
I'm sorry.
Oh, me, too.
Forgot my phone.
I'm sorry, you guys are probably
talking wedding details.
I mean, no maid of honor's
gonna steal the spotlight
with her own problem
on the bride's big weekend,
am I right?
Keep it real, homies!
You know, he is right.
Why is this all about you?
I mean, you have
been preoccupied
with Marshall all weekend.
I have not!
You have been sleeping
with a doll made of cushions
that you named after him.
Not true!
After we do our business,
I make Marshpillow
sleep on the couch!
So there!
Oh, my God, that
is so ridiculous!
So, what did Darren
do to you?
Well, a few years ago,
I started this band.
And, you know, it was a goof...
it was just me and a couple
of dorks from business school.
I'm actually embarrassed
to tell you our name.
I had an all-lawyer funk band
called The Funk, The Whole Funk,
And Nothing But The Funk.
Oh, I now feel very safe
talking about my band...
Super-Freak-Onomics.
Nice.
Anyway,
I brought Darren in
to split lead vocals,
and he took over.
You know, first
he took away my solos,
then I got demoted
to backup vocals,
and now the only time
I use a mic
is after Darren's first
false exit, when I say,
"Do you guys want more Darren?"
And then today,
I found this
ad online.
"Ass player wanted"?
Move your thumb.
Oh, "bass player wanted."
Wait, he was gonna kick you
out of your own band?
Yeah.
But instead... I quit.
You quit? That's it?
But it's your band...
you must be avenged!
Funny you should say that,
because as I was leaving
the hotel, I ran into someone.
You need to steal
this douche monkey's van.
Aldrin Justice, nice!
Your wife is cool.
Oh, the coolest.
Hey, did she, um,
happen to mention
the fact
that I'm sort of ruining
her dream of moving to Italy?
Uh, yeah, that did come up.
You need to steal
this douche monkey's van.
And then run
my husband over with it.
I think you've got
a tough talk coming.
Yeah, well, so do you.
When we get
to the Farhampton Inn,
you're gonna go in there and
you're gonna stand up to Darren.
Oh, come on,
I Aldrin Justiced him.
Yeah, but I bet
you're just gonna give
this van right back to him.
I mean, were you at least
gonna pee in it a little?
I was gonna gas it up
and get it washed.
You're too nice.
I'm the same way.
Sometimes you got
to get in there
and-and stand up for yourself.
I always cave and side
with the other person.
I can't handle confrontation.
Yes, you can.
You make some good points.
Look.
I don't know you, but I can tell
that you're strong.
That's your band.
Don't let Darren steal it away.
No, there's
no defeating the devil.
He's someone else's problem now.
I'm sorry
if I've been
distracted this weekend.
Oh, let's not fight anymore,
okay?
Oh, good, Robin,
you finally told Lily
you feel like she's
abandoning you as a friend
by going to Italy.
Honesty is progress.
Stay gold.
I'm not...
Ooh, Ted.
When you move to Chicago,
you got to try Gazzola's pizza.
Namaste, hermanos.
You're moving to Chicago?
Is that even a real place?
It's a style of pizza.
Ted, you can't live in a pizza.
I got an amazing
job offer there.
Look, Lily knows,
but Marshall and Robin don't.
So please keep it quiet.
You're moving to Chicago?
He-he's moving to Chicago!
When do you move?
At least tell me it's not
until next year or something.
It's not until...
Monday.
Monday?
So you are just gonna disappear
the day after my wedding?
After ten years
of being best friends?
Well, actually, Marshall's my...
Don't even think about it!
That's fair enough.
You are gonna give me
one day's notice?
Well, I didn't want to upset you
on your wedding weekend.
No, it's good.
It'll be easy to say good-bye
now that I know how much
I mean to you.
Well...
Hey.
I was...
I was never really
rooting for Marshall.
I was rooting
to not lose my best friend.
But that's selfish.
No matter where you go,
I'm in your corner
and I always will be.
And to prove it...
What are you gonna do
with Marshpillow?
Hold his arms back
while you beat the goose down
out of this bastard.
'Cause that's
what best friends do.
Thanks, it-it's not gonna help.
Try it. One punch.
Ooh, that felt good.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah, that's it, sweetheart.
Head, body, head.
Barney, wait, wait!
Your friendship is
important to me.
I swear on my mother's...
No, I swear to God.
No... I swear to Hef.
Don't take that name in vain.
If someone is important to you,
you tell them you're moving.
I'm just some guy you
used to know back in New York.
Hey.
Whoa.
How...?
That's a $600 bottle.
Ted, that's grand larceny.
You really could go
to jail for this.
That's the dream.
So...
you're moving to Chicago.
I'm going to Chicago.
Why? I know
Marshall and Lily might leave,
but it's only a year,
and in the meantime,
we'll still see each other
all the time.
You, me, Robin...
Oh.
I need a new start.
I'm gonna miss you.
I'm gonna miss you so much.
Well, here we are.
Good luck in there.
Thank you.
And don't worry,
at the reception, I'll yell,
"The lead singer
sucks skunk junk,"
after every song.
I'll come up with something
better than "skunk junk."
No, no.
"Skunk junk" is pretty solid.
You can't yell that
at the lead singer.
Because I don't suck skunk junk.
Wait, are you saying...?
I'm coming in. Darren and I
are gonna have a chat
about my band!
Skunk junk.
For the record...
Uh-huh.
his first word
was "Mommy."
Mm-hmm.
This is my band. I started it.
And if anyone is getting
fired here, it's you, Darren.
So hit the bricks,
s-skunk...
junk.
Is that even
a little bit intimidating?
Nope, and the
knitting's not helping.
I'm sorry, I just met this baby
and he needs a hat.
You can't fire Darren.
He gets how hilarious
and adorable I am.
Plus it is so inspiring
how he overcame his mother
being eaten by a barracuda.
Gah! It's Finding Nemo.
That's new.
There's no defeating the devil.
New plan.
Linus, if at any point
tonight you see me
with an empty glass...
Kennedy package.
It's a very popular choice
this weekend.
Thank you, Linus.
Yup.
Uh, Lily?
Lily.
Pause?
Pause.
Oh...
Thank you, Linus.
Mm-hmm.
There are real villains
in this world.
But they don't always get
real justice, do they?
You want to believe
karma's gonna get them.
All right, who wants a drink?
I'm stealing.
But karma doesn't
always come through.
I love how strong
your marriage is.
And you don't need
to lose weight, Louise,
no matter what he told me.
Catch you on the flip-flop,
muchachos.
Oh!
Sorry, mi amigos.
I guess you have to accept
that sometimes in life...
you just don't get
that knockout punch.
Hey, can I get some ice?
The best man just punched me
in the face for no reason.
Oh, what, that's funny to you?
You know what? I quit.
You can have
your stupid band back.
I miss being in a band where
people are decent to each other
and there's no drama.
I'm going back
to the new Guns N' Roses.
Linus, whoever that best man is,
I would like to buy him a double
of your finest scotch.
Here you go.
Is this from one of you guys?
Nah.
Uh-uh.
No.
Okay.
Well... this is incredible.
What is this?
It's the Glen McKenna 35-year.
Wait a minute.
This whole time, you had
Glen McKenna 35-year?
Why didn't you say something?
You didn't ask about the 35.
And, kids,
that's the first drink
your mother ever bought me.
Hey, Barney, I'm so sorry
I missed your rehearsal dinner.
Oh, that's okay.
We didn't even know
you weren't here, jerk.
Listen, I know that it can't
make up for being late,
but I did get you
a-a special gift.
Well, hand it over, fathead.
Well, you might want to wait
until after the wedding photos.
Hand it over now, travel breath.
Okay, Barney, I'll hand it over.
Oh, God, it's the next slap!
I don't know why
I was so obnoxious.