Oh, sorry, kids.
I forgot to mention
there's a bit of a backstory
to this particular slap.
Oh, man.
Oh.
At least it landed
on the mustard stain.
Don't bother.
That suit is a stain.
A stain on the very institution
of suits.
You know what tie goes
with that suit?
The tie at the top
of a Hefty bag.
A suit like that
only needs one button...
self-destruct.
Hey, I bought him
that suit.
Where? Barfs Brothers?
Men's Outhouse?
Giorgio Arms...
Are-Not-the-Same-Lengthy?
That suit is a slap in the face
to all suits everywhere.
A slap in the face.
Uh, yes, Barney.
There's something I need to
tell you about the next slap
that you're going to receive.
You see,
I want this slap to be
as painful as
humanly possible.
Sure.
Okay, okay.
Yeah, I'm gonna stop you
right there.
Yes, you won a slap bet
with me seven years ago.
And, yes, over the years,
you got in some great slaps.
Some great slaps.
But here's the problem.
You've tormented me so much
that I am now immune to it.
Hmm.
It's as if
my face, my psyche, my soul
were covered
in that numbing cream
we all put on our deals
so that we can go all night.
Am I right, fellas?
Okay, we'll all just pretend
like we've never done that.
Just like we've never sat on our
left hand until it fell asleep
and then used it
for an away gamer.
Okay.
We'll all pretend
like we've never done that.
Just like we've all never taken
two live jumper cables...
Please stop.
Barney, I'm well-aware
that you've developed
a resistance to all
of my old tricks,
which is why I sought
out special training.
Hi, hey, I'm sure you get
this question all the time.
But is there a special class
where I just learn slapping?
We teach kung fu here.
Right, see,
the thing is, I don't need
to learn anything about kicking.
You know?
Because, uh...
So, yeah.
I'm good there.
Um, what I really need
to learn is slapping.
I need someone to teach me
how to slap my friend
just like really hard
right in his stupid face.
Can you teach me that?
Kung fu is an ancient
and honorable martial art.
It must be learned
with great devotion
and respect.
So, where are we on this
whole slapping thing?
Yes, no, maybe...?
Get out.
Psst.
I know what you seek.
You seek to learn
the Slap of a Thousand
Exploding Suns.
Yes, that's totally
a thing I've heard of.
Can you teach me?
No, but I know who can.
Can you take me
to this great master?
I have much gold.
It is not one great master
you seek but three.
They will teach you
the three mighty virtues
of slapistry.
Speed.
Strength.
And accuracy.
Put these
three virtues together,
and only then
will you have mastered
the Slap of a Million
Exploding Suns.
I'm sorry to interrupt,
but a second ago,
wasn't it the Slap
of a Thousand Exploding Suns?
Pretty sure I said
a million, guys?
I heard a million.
He said a million.
One million.
So I went to Shanghai...
You didn't go to Shanghai.
I went to Shanghai.
When did you go to Shanghai?
Last year I went
to Shanghai.
You didn't go to Shanghai.
He went to Shanghai.
He didn't go to Shanghai.
Totally went to Shanghai.
You didn't go to Shanghai.
So I went to Shanghai.
In search of the first master.
Are you Red Bird?
Okay, enough.
I know you're trying
to freak me out.
But like I said,
it's not working.
So I will give you much gold
to stop wasting my time.
Hold that thought, I just want
to see if I can fix this.
The Slap of...
Ten Million
Exploding Suns!
500 Exploding Suns!
Three Billion Exploding Stars!
Whoops.
Relax, I'm not gonna
slap you right now.
When I slap you, it shall be
beneath a willow tree
next to four women and a tiger.
A willow tree,
four women and a tiger?
What are you talking about?
Who said anything about a willow
tree, four women and a tiger?
Guys?
Nobody.
A tiger?
You were totally
silent just now.
But Marshall just said that!
What is going on?
How did you do that
to the jukebox?
Wait, it's fake.
That's a prop jukebox,
designed just to mess with me.
Marshall, that jukebox
cost eight grand.
I have much gold.
Huh, that is much.
You got lucky, Eriksen.
I don't like this!
I thought that nothing
I said or did
could intimidate you anymore.
That's right.
It can't.
Itch.
Look.
If you're really nervous,
don't think of it as a slap.
Think of it as a high five.
Okay.
For your stupid face.
So, anyway, I'm in
the noodle house...
I'll admit.
I didn't expect Red Bird,
Master of Speed, to be a girl.
You sure you really
know how to...?
What is the sound
of one hand slapping?
I'm sorry, I don't understa...
Wait, how did you...?
Lucky shot, I wasn't ready...
You know, that tip
isn't a full 20%...
Train me, Red Bird.
Teach me speed.
No.
I retired long ago.
Retired? You're like, 32.
I am 86 years old.
But slapping is now
a part of my past.
Darn, I really wanted
to slap Barney Stinson.
This is to slap Barney Stinson?
Yeah, okay.
I'll totally teach you.
And so began my training.
Slap this tree.
Slap the tree?
If you can.
I mean...
Seems pretty easy.
Ooh!
What the...?
Ooh!
The fabled Slapping Tree
of Gongqing Forest.
Beg your pardon.
The "Fabled Slapping Tree
of Gongqing Forest"?
Sure.
Really? "Fabled."
Mmm.
'Cause I've never heard of it.
I'm pretty sure
everybody's heard of it.
Guys?
Yup.
Totally, yeah.
I backpacked there in college.
See?
Fabled.
It even inspired
a popular Chinese
children's book.
It's a poignant parable
whose message, is if you
love someone, set them free.
But not before first
slapping them right
in their stupid face.
As my training continued,
I also learned the delicate art
of Chinese painting.
That looks nothing
like this bowl of fruit!
My training went on for a year.
A year?
A year.
One year?
None of us noticed
you were stuck in Shanghai
for a year?
I wasn't being held slaptive,
I chose to stay and
complete my training.
I'm not even gonna...
Just, whatever.
You have shown great slaptitude,
young one.
You are ready
for your final test.
Slap me.
What?
Slap me, now!
No, Red Bird, I can't.
Slap me... that is not a request.
I won't!
The Vikings will never
win the Super Bo...
Wait, how did you...?
Lucky shot.
I wasn't re...
That's a big tip.
You must have much gold.
You are ready
for your final step.
Awesome! Oh, man!
I can't wait
to slap Barney Stinson
right across his stupid fa...
What? What did I say?
You must not slap anyone
until your training is complete.
The consequences could be dire.
First, you must meet
White Flower,
the second master,
who will teach you strength.
She lives atop a mountain.
Which mountain?
No, not Witch Mountain.
Slap Mountain.
Hate to cut in
again here, but...
Slap Mountain?
That's right.
You're claiming there's
a mountain in China
in the exact shape of a hand?
Everyone knows that.
Right, guys?
True.
Totally.
I backpacked there in college.
It's the largest
of the Slappalachian Mountains.
And at the top...
Excuse me? Uh, do you know
where I can find White Flower?
How dare you speak that name?
That is the most feared name
in 40 villages!
Really? "White Flower"?
I'm sorry, it's just,
it's not exactly Voldemort.
Bro!
Why don't you
just say "Candyman"
three times and be done with it?
Geez!
Awesome!
Can-can you teach me
how to do that?
No, I retired
from teaching long ago.
Retired? You're like, 32.
I am 106 years old.
What is in these noodles?
I'm sorry,
but my slapping days are over.
Darn, I really wanted
this next Barney Stinson slap
to be special.
This is to slap Barney Stinson?
Mmm.
Yeah, okay,
I'll totally teach you.
The true power of any slap
comes from the anger behind it.
So for a truly devastating slap,
you must harvest
the anger of many.
Every time
someone who hates Barney
slaps you in the face,
the power of their anger goes
from your face
into your hand.
White Flower and I made love
that night in the forest.
No, sorry. Flag on the play.
You banged White Flower?
I made love to White Flower.
And then I banged her.
In the forest?
In Gongqing Forest, yes.
Actually right near
the Slapping Tree.
Which may or may not
have come into play.
Oh, my God,
you had a tree-way?
And, Lily, you were okay
with Marshall having an affair?
What happens
in the magical Gongqing Forest
stays in the magical
Gongqing Forest.
Best wife ever.
Like I was saying,
you need to harvest the anger
of others into your own slap.
Now, dig deep.
Can you think of anyone,
anyone at all
who hates Barney Stinson?
I know, I know, I almost
couldn't get through it
with a straight face!
There are just so many people
who hate Barney's guts!
Moving on.
The point is, you need
to go get slapped in the face
by a bunch of gullible chicks
Barney banged.
I'm a friend
of Barney Stinson. Ooh!
I'm a friend of Barney Stins...
I-I'm-I'm a friend
of Barney Stinson. Aah!
Ooh!
I'm so sorry.
I thought you said you were
a friend of Barney Stinson.
I did. Ooh!
Oh!
Ooh! Wow!
Could you... also...
slap me in the face?
God, you're just
as perverted as Barney.
Ooh!
And after a while...
Look at this thing...
it's all hot and glowy!
I'll never have
cold pizza again!
I'll never have cold pizza
again.
Silence!
Sorry, White Flower.
I've just got
a slappetite for destruction.
Thanks for everything!
I'm gonna go slap Barney Stinson
right in his stupid face!
Wait, first you must
go learn accuracy
from the one who is called
The Calligrapher
in the far-off,
mystical land of...
Cleveland?
Cleveland.
Why Cleveland?
It's the city equivalent
of being slapped in the face.
Bro.
Man, is this place
a chain or something?
One for dinner?
No, I'm here to meet her.
Bro.
Can you teach me accuracy?
I can.
The proper question is: will I?
Grammar is the first step
on the thousand-mile journey
to accuracy.
I'm, uh, assuming there's
no Mrs. The Calligrapher?
The path I've chosen
is lonesome.
But it's no big deal.
I prefer being alone,
I really do.
Unless you know
any single ladies
you-you-you could
set me up with.
Nope.
Good, because I prefer
being alone.
Also I'm sorry,
but I retired
from teaching long ago.
Retired? You're like, 35.
I'm 34.
Oh, sorry.
I use moisturizer every night.
I thought my skin
still looked vibrant.
It does, it does.
Look, uh, I'm just...
I'm really just here
to finish my training,
um, so, the, uh,
look, the truth is,
I have a divorced cousin
just outside of Akron.
Now, I wouldn't call Janice
easy on the eyes...
or the springs
of a bathroom scale...
but if you want,
I could set you up.
Sold! Now, the most
important lesson
in learning accuracy...
He was dying right
before my eyes.
So I did the only thing
that I could think to do.
Please!
I slapped his back.
And that's when I found out why
"No slapping until
your training is complete"
is the most important rule.
Because my slap...
was too powerful.
I hadn't learned accuracy
and so I couldn't control it.
And, well...
No!
Stop it! Just stop!
You did not slap the heart
out of a man's body!
If only that were true.
You're saying
that you committed a murder?
I was trying to save him!
Shh, baby, it's okay,
you didn't mean to.
He doesn't sleep.
You got to move on.
You were only trying to help.
You're making
this whole story up.
I wish that I were.
Because of the tragedy,
I never got to
finish my training.
I never learned accuracy.
Because of that,
I shall remain...
forever...
a mere slapprentice.
What does that mean, baby?
Here's what it meant.
Damn it!
Please! Somebody!
Help me!
There's a crazy guy trying
to slap me and he's...
Oh, my God.
Four women.
And a willow tree.
At least there's no tiger.
Oh, my God.
Is that... half a tiger?
You got here early.
Aah!
It's time.
But you never completed
your training.
Actually...
Listen to me.
I must speak fast.
Once you've had your heart
slapped out of your body,
you've only got ten,
15 minutes to live, max.
Sure.
The trick to accuracy
is to, like,
try to be really accurate.
Okay? Don't just slap.
Like, like, really try to aim.
Look where you're slapping,
that's important.
And then try to slap that spot
instead of some other spot.
Well, I guess
that's pretty much it.
You can slap people now.
He's gone.
One other thing.
Cleveland has a lot to offer.
Be sure to check out
the James A. Garfield Monument.
Um, I mean, sure, he was only
president for four months
before he was assassinated,
but if you get up to the top,
you can see almost for 30 miles.
As long as the steel factory's
not smelting.
He's gone.
No, like I said,
ten, 15 minutes.
Oh, God, this is awkward.
Yeah, yeah.
It's like when you're saying
good-bye to someone,
and then you realize you're both
headed in the same direction.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's like, what
do we, what do we
we say good-bye again or...?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right?
He's gone.
Wait, are you just pretending
so it'll be less awkward?
Should I just, like, go, or...?
Okay.
My training is complete.
I'm ready.
I'm ready, too.
I love you.
Enough to take this slap for me?
No.
All right!
Yeah!
Oh!
Good one.
You got me that time, bro.
Yeah, right?
Hey, only one slap left.
Crazy! Where did the time go?
I know, it's, like, uh,
slow down, life,
you know what I mean?
Hey, was that a fake jukebox?
Yeah, yeah, fake jukebox.
Nice, nice.
Aw, man.
All right.
You okay? Yeah?
Yeah, yeah, good.
Ladies and gentlemen,
Boyz II Men.
One more.