Okay, it's over.
Starting the clock now.
Labor sucks, huh?
Yeah.
That fun-sounding name?
It's totally misleading.
Better have this baby soon.
You know my
mom's rule:
Nothing good happens
after 2:00 a.m.
I don't buy it.
Just like I don't buy
what her son told me:
"Let's go away
for one last weekend
"before the baby comes.
We'll be fine!"
Well, I hate
to point fingers,
but you should
never listen to me.
You know that.
That's my bad.
Oh!
Here comes
another one.
Already?
Yeah, yep, yep.
Okay, okay, okay.
We should get you to
the hospital. Come on.
Okay.
Oh, here we go.
You guys can't still see where
Marshall slapped me, can you?
Your face looks like
a "don't walk" signal.
Your face looks like
a photo negative
of the Hamburger Helper box.
A palm reader could
tell Marshall's future
by studying your face.
The phrase "talk to the hand
'cause the face ain't listening"
doesn't work for you
because the hand
is on your face.
A simple "yes"
would've sufficed.
Oh, baby,
I missed you so much.
I am so angry!
I am gonna tear you
apart tonight.
I am gonna
tear you
apart tonight!
Okay, okay.
Look, we said
that we wouldn't fight
until the gang was all done
hanging out, remember?
Ever since Lily
heard that Marshall
had accepted an offer
to be a judge,
thus jeopardizing
their planned year in Italy,
they both knew
a big fight was coming.
But when they finally
saw each other...
Pause?
Pause.
See, Lily and Marshall
had a long tradition
of hitting "pause"
on their arguments.
Sometimes they paused because
they suddenly had
other things to do.
We have to stick
to our budget! Okay?
You cannot be out there
buying all these
Brazilian bikini waxes
and Kama Sutra body oils
and edible...
Pause.
Sometimes, they paused
to keep their fights
from subtly changing subjects.
Baby, I cannot
put up with
your shoes being
all over the house!
Why not? I put up with
your terrible mother.
Pause!
Pause.
And now that they were paused,
Marshall realized
he would do anything
to stay paused
for as long as he could.
Okay, time
to go to bed.
Big day tomorrow.
Big day tomorrow!
Screw tomorrow!
We go big tonight, huh?
We go big tonight!
I mean, uh...
come on, you know, uh,
what time
is it, anyway?
Hey, where's
the baby?
The elevator!
Ah, that joke just
never gets old.
And it's not at all inspired
by real-life events.
No, it is not.
Mm-mm.
Anyway, the sitter has
Marvin for the night.
Ooh!
And now...
the best thing
to come out of my
cross-country trip:
a little segment I like to call
"Embarrassing Souvenirs I Picked
Up From Ted's Childhood Home."
"Totally
Awesome Ted."
What, did you steal this off
some other kid named Ted?
I'm just getting
warmed up here.
This is fun.
We're all...
you know, it's...
I'm having fun.
When you squeeze this toy,
a recording of Ted says,
"I wuv you, Mommy!"
Oh, but
that's sweet!
Why would we make
fun of him for that?
He gave it to her
when he was 19.
I wuv you, Mommy.
And lastly, a photo
of young Ted
and his best friend
dressed up like cowboys.
No, oh, all right.
Leave him alone.
His best friend
was a balloon.
I want to see that picture
more than I want
to get married!
I hate you so much.
Oo yah maya stupa koon!
Ho ho ho ho!
Over the years, we'd seen
all sorts of levels
of Barney's drunkenness.
How you doin'?
"Richard Dawson drunk..."
Ah, is this
your sister?
"Big plans with strangers
drunk..."
Hey!
Me and the Road Dawgs
going splitsies on a time-share
in Flint, Michigan!
And...
non-refundably booked!
Come on! I'm gonna buy
you all some mopeds!
Road Dawgs!
And "Marcel Marceau drunk..."
But we knew the night was over
whenever Barney got...
"Jabba drunk."
So drunk that his speech
bore an uncanny
resemblance to that of...
Jabba the Hutt from
Return of the Jedi.
Bo shuda!
Ha ha ha!
Okay, we have to go to bed.
Big day tomorrow.
Big day tomorrow!
Noon-eeg Han Solo!
Screw tomorrow!
Let's go big tonight!
We go big
tonight!
Ah wotto potto tapa ho!
No, Marshall, let's go now.
Okay, okay,
okay, okay.
Look, I-I guess we
have to do this.
Okay, first off, I know how
important Italy was to you...
Shut up and do me!
Okay, we have
to go to bed.
Yeah.
I need to get
my ear hair trimmed
in the morning.
It's like a rain forest
in there.
Uh, why would you volunteer
that information?
Because it's the truth.
Also, I peed a little
on my tie at the urinal.
Uh, Barney...
who's taller: me or you?
You're taller.
I wear lifts in all my shoes.
Oh, my God, Robin...
Barney has reached
a whole new level.
He's "truth serum drunk."
He can't lie.
So we can finally
get the answers
we've always
been wondering about.
Look, I know you said
you had to go to bed,
but I really think...
Screw tomorrow!
We go big tonight.
Yeah.
Hey, buddy.
Wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait.
We're not unpaused?
Not yet.
Mama needs some Papa.
But as soon as we're
done having sex,
we are having that fight!
Wait, so we're...
not gonna fight
until after we're
done having sex.
Challenge accepted.
Um, so... just,
just to be clear,
after we finish
having sex,
that's when we'll
have our fight?
That's right.
Excuse me.
Okay, Marshall.
It's go time.
You've had great nights
of sex before,
most of them with Lily,
a few by yourself...
and we'll always have that
Unscrambled Spice Channel
Glitch of '93...
but this has got to be
the performance of a lifetime.
Jimi Hendrix at Monterey.
James Brown at the Apollo.
Your law school funk band
pretty much anywhere.
So get out there
and bang your wife for
as long as you possibly can!
Not a good sign that
I'm already out of breath.
So... Barney will answer
any question we ask him
with the truth?
I think so.
Honey...
when that Bryan Adams song
came on the radio,
did two mosquitoes
really fly into your eyes
at the same time?
No.
I got all choked up
thinking about how
everything he does,
he does it for her.
Checks out.
Okay, what next?
I mean, it's...
it's so hard to know
where to begin.
I mean, there are so many...
What did you do to my mom?
Well, that night,
we were in my car...
I was wrong!
I can't handle this!
Uh, just tell me
in baseball terms.
I got thrown out
trying to stretch
a single into a double.
I can live with that.
How about that time
you walked into the bar
wearing "Triple-X-Ray Goggles"?
Well, hello,
you two lovely ladies.
What are you wearing?
Oh, hey, Robin,
didn't see you there.
Just Triple-X-Ray Goggles,
no big deal.
Oh...
There is no way
those things work.
I'm not even here.
Just act natural.
Right.
'Cause that jacket's
made of lead.
Those things
didn't work, did they?
Absolutely. Lily's boobs
always work for me.
Oh, the goggles?
No.
Next question.
You keep saying "ring bear"
instead of ring bear-er.
Will there or will there not
be a bear at our wedding?
The truth is...
aggle flaggle klabble.
Wumby flappy snurp...
Oh, my God, he's dipped back
down to Jabba drunk!
Give him
another drink!
Come on.
Oh, yeah, baby.
I could go all night.
I can't hold out much longer!
What are the least arousing
things I can think of?
It's working! It's working!
Uh-oh, it's working too well.
Think sexy thoughts.
Think sexy thoughts!
Marshall, are
you all right?
You don't seem
to be, um...
Please, uh,
excuse Medium-Sized Fudge.
6 and 3/64 inches.
Yeah, he's back
to telling the truth.
Okay, Barney,
how are you always able
to do that magic trick
where you make doves appear?
Special dehydrated birds
I get in Chinatown.
I knew it!
Okay. Okay.
Will there or will there not
be a bear at our wedding?
The truth is...
Barney...
Oh, come on!
I know that you always say
that you don't
need any kind of
"help" in bed,
but if you, um...
I always keep
these on hand.
But be careful.
When you go off, there's
a kickback like a cannon.
Thank you.
How much a year
do you spend on suits?
Kids, I won't bother you
with the number,
but it was a crapload.
Around one crapload.
That much?
Well... aren't you concerned
about your future?
Nope.
Especially since Robin
is massively wealthy.
Barney!
What?
You're rich?
L-Like how rich?
It's my family's money,
not mine.
I-I don't really know how much.
How much is her family worth?
6,000 craploads.
Canadian craploads.
That much?
But when we dated,
I paid for everything.
You didn't pay for everything.
He paid for everything.
I pick up our bar tab
all the time.
Three times
in the last nine years.
I took you out to tons
of four-star restaurants.
Two-star restaurants.
Figuring, on average,
two meals out a week
plus 20% tip...
12 and a half percent tip.
Do you know
how much money you cost me?
What am I?
A prostitute?
You are not a prostitute.
No, a prostitute
would've been cheaper.
Depends on the prostitute.
Wait, hold on, Ted.
What are we doing?
You're arguing
about Robin's wealth
when you really should be asking
me embarrassing questions.
He's right.
Let's do this.
And so we did it.
We asked Barney
all the questions
we'd always wanted to.
In one night? Four.
In one family? Three.
Yes, but not while she
was secretary of state.
Yes, but not while she was
secretary of state.
Just once.
With a French male model Henri.
It was late.
We were the last two people
in the club.
I was lonely and I figured,
why not try it?
That was the only time
I ever split a cab.
Yes, but not the M.I.T.
you're thinking of.
The Magician's Institute
of Teaneck.
I've had sex
in Ted's bed 14 times.
I asked if you wear
shoulder pads.
I think I've just got
one question left.
And it's a biggie.
Barney Stinson...
what do you do for a living?
You did it.
You banged your wife to sleep.
Nice job...
Still-Big Fudge.
I wuv you, Mommy.
Unpause.
Kids, in all the time
we knew Barney,
there was one question he would
always answer the same way.
Seriously, what is it
that you do?
Please.
Okay, seriously.
What do you do for a living?
Please.
Are you finally gonna tell me
exactly what your job is?
Please.
So, naturally, this was
a pretty big moment for us.
Well, what do you do
for a living?
Please.
God, he's not telling us.
More booze.
Not so fast, princess.
I guess subtle clues
and the bar tab
are two things
you just don't pick up.
Because...
I think he is telling us.
Tell us more about this job.
Well, as you know,
back in my hippie days,
a businessman came
into my coffee shop,
told me money was
all that mattered,
and stole my girlfriend.
That's when I decided
to become awesome.
But I had no idea how to break
into the corporate world.
So, hoping he wouldn't
recognize me,
I went to the one person
from whom
I knew I could learn
everything.
Do we know each other, bro?
We're all connected
in Gaia's great tapestry of...
No.
We don't.
Bro.
Wow, you went to M.I.T.
Pretty impressive.
I did get a perfect score
on the A.C.T.'s.
Advanced Card Tricks.
Well, look, buddy.
You got a sweet résumé.
But we don't have any openings
you're qualified for.
They set me up!
It was a trap! It's a trap!
We have one opening
you'd be perfect for.
Great. What do I do?
Please.
"Provide Legal Exculpation
And Sign Everything."
Just show up every day,
scribble your name on
a bunch of documents,
and we'll pay you
16 craploads a year.
Deets are in the contract.
I'll give you time
to think about it.
I'll take it.
Hold on.
Did you even read this
before signing it?
No.
You're hired.
We'll work on that.
Wait.
That's your job?
You sign sketchy,
legally binding documents
that could implicate you
for God knows what?
Best job ever, right?
No more pausing.
We're getting
through this argument.
Okay.
No potshots at my mom.
Fine, no distracting me
with your calves.
Fine.
I love you, Lilypad.
I love you, Marshmallow.
Now...
how could you take
that job without telling me?
Baby, I'm sorry, but they needed
an answer right away.
This is a huge opportunity,
it could be very good
for our family,
and we have to
at least talk about it.
Sorry, you lost your chance
to talk about it
when you didn't talk about it.
We're going to Italy.
But I could be a judge.
We can't give that up for
what is clearly just a hobby.
Pause.
No pause.
That "hobby" is my dream.
We're going to Italy.
But it's my dream to...
We are going to Italy!
Baby, can you just...?
We are going to Italy!
Don't you get it?
You went behind my back.
You hurt me.
You were more selfish
than I have ever been to you.
You broke up with me
and moved to San Francisco.
Barney!
You're being stupid.
The-the-the company is
setting you up as their fall guy
for all of their
illegal activities.
No, you guys are being stupid.
Especially Ted.
What? I didn't say anything.
And then, kids, Barney revealed
to us his master plan.
It all went down a few months
after the wedding.
Hey, Greg?
I know you're busy,
but FYI, I've been colluding
with the Feds.
They know everything.
And they're
on their way up right now
to shut down this division
and arrest you.
Door closed or...?
What?
Why would you do that?
Oh, gosh,
countless moral reasons...
could have applied,
but this is pretty much revenge
for stealing my girlfriend.
See? That day, I vowed
I would do everything
in my power to track you down,
gain your trust,
and then destroy you.
Who are you?
Who am I?
Just a guy
who served you coffee once.
Peace out, loser.
You son of a bitch!
I will destroy you!
Get your hands off of me.
Why are you
bringing up San Francisco?
That was seven years ago.
Because you are being
selfish all over again.
Marshall, I apologized
over and over again.
Now you're saying you
never have forgiven me?
There is
nothing more important to me
than our family.
You know that.
Well, let me ask.
What if you had found
success in San Francisco?
How do I know that you even
would've come back to me?
Stop it.
Are Marvin and I
and any other future children
we may have
just some consolation prize?
I have to get out of here.
Babe?
So, Barney,
I still haven't
heard you pronounce
that last syllable.
At our wedding, will there be
a ring bear-er?
The truth is...
yes, there will be
a ring bear-er.
His name is Trevor Hudson,
I worked with his mother,
and he's adorable.
I want our wedding
to be perfect, Robin.
Me, too.
Okay, I'm gonna go upstairs.
He's okay to crash
with you, right?
Yup, we'll see you
in the morning.
Hmm.
I love you.
I love you, too.
Okay, I got one last question
for you.
And I can't believe
I haven't asked it yet.
Dude, you're getting
married tomorrow.
How are you doing?
Good.
I mean, I'm a little nervous,
but I love Robin more than
I've ever loved anyone,
and I'm gonna do everything
I can to make her happy.
For a long time,
deep down,
I've felt sort of...
broken?
But...
I don't feel that way anymore.
Robin, along with the idea
that vengeance
will soon be mine,
has made me 100% awesome.
I'm proud of you, buddy.
Globan froban.
Ho, ho, ho.
Okay.
Come on, Jabba.
Big day tomorrow.
Tab for the night?
Just so you know,
those last few rounds of 35-year
Glen McKenna were not cheap.
Whoa.
Um... you know what?
Charge them to the bride's room.
Thank you.
Come on.
Let's go. We got you.
Kids, it's your
grandmother's favorite rule.
Nothing good happens
after 2:00 a.m.
Hi. I-I know it's late,
but I've got to get out of here.
Marshall and I
just had a huge fight.
You will?
Oh, my God, thank you.
You good, yeah?
Yeah.
Okay.
Everything is fine.
Okay? Just don't freak out.
I'm not freaking out.
I was talking to myself.
Do you have the baby?
The elevator!
What?
Marshall and Lily are right.
It never gets old.
Unless you're crowning.
So proud of you.
Thank you.
Penny is so proud of you.
Let's go get you a brother.
Okay?
Hmm?
You want a brother?
All right?
I love you.
I love you, too.
You're gonna be great.
Yeah, okay.
Okay.
Nothing good happens
after 2:00 a.m.
It's a good rule.
But every rule
has an exception.
And for us,
that exception was you, Luke.
We're having a baby!
Come on, Trevor Hudson.
It's feeding time.