Whoa, sorry, sorry.
Oh, my God! You know that
there is gonna be champagne
at this party, right?
I know, I know.
But we're gonna get
there and it's gonna be
everyone congratulating
you on your book,
saying, "This is a revelation!
"You're gonna end
poverty in our time.
"This is the greatest book
anyone's ever written
in any genre."
You're the only one
that says that, sweetie.
Well, it's true.
So before I lose you
to your adoring public,
I just want to take
a moment, you and I,
to celebrate the best
year of our lives.
Happy New Year.
We go big tonight!
Easy there, buddy.
We're old people, remember?
We haven't even gone
medium sized in forever.
And I cannot carry
you home in this dress.
Sweetie, relax.
I got this.
Yeah, right.
I can see your whole future.
You are gonna be
so hungover tomorrow.
I'm gonna be fine.
Hmm.
I made a vow, remember?
Kids...
the story behind that vow
took place the morning
of Barney and Robin's wedding.
You see, after drinking
way too much the night before,
this is
all your Uncle Barney remembers
from the first two hours
of his wedding day.
And that's it.
Now here's how the rest of us
remember those two hours.
Found him.
You know, he looks better
than I thought he would.
Rise and shine.
Up and at 'em,
let's do this.
There's a gas leak!
The building's on fire!
Your shoes don't
match your belt!
Uh-oh.
(piano playing
Wagner's "Bridal Chorus")
Okay, I think my fiancÃ©
peed himself a little.
Oh, tomorrow
I'm gonna be able to say
my husband
peed himself a little.
Don't worry.
I accidentally spilled
some iced tea on him.
Oh, thank God.
I didn't really spill
some iced tea on him.
Oh, God, this is bad.
We're doing
family wedding pictures
at the lighthouse
in two hours.
My father is paying
for the whole thing.
He's gonna kill Barney
if he doesn't show up.
Come on, your dad's tough.
But won't he understand a
good old-fashioned hangover?
My father's recipe
for a Bloody Mary
trades out tomato juice
for wolf's blood.
Ooh.
Bloody Mary?
Sounds more like
a Bloody Scary.
I'm gonna say it again.
Uh, hold on.
Bloody Mary?
Sounds more...
You guys are forgetting
Barney Stinson has
a super power.
He can't take a bad photo.
Okay, here.
Watch.
Guys, Barney may be dead.
That's it!
You know what? We are all
now seriously too old
to keep doing this to ourselves!
I vow here and now
that I shall never again
get that drunk in my life!
Yeah, he'd wind up
breaking that vow.
And I will not break that vow
as sure as I will always
have a full head of hair!
In other elections today,
in the race for New York
State Supreme Court,
Judge Brad Morris...
Mmm, just look at him.
I would love to rub that down.
Sorry.
Has increased his sizable lead
over Judge Marshall Eriksen.
It was supposed to
be a victory party.
You ran
a great campaign, baby.
Yeah, but it was
the most stressful
three weeks of my life!
And in other results,
a surprise comeback.
We are now ready to call the New
York State Supreme Court race
for Judge Marshall Eriksen.
We'll go to Judge Eriksen
for a live statement
in just a few minutes.
Come again for Judge Fudge?
As your next commissioner...
State Supreme Court judge.
of Gotham City...
The State of New York.
I vow to make
Batman work harder.
I say
shine that Bat-Signal
even for small stuff.
Like, uh, shoveling snow.
Or, like, uh, if a police horse
dumps out in the park.
Okay, well, that will be
all at this time, thank you.
That's all.
Okay.
Mmm, good night.
Never again!
I vow it!
I am more worried
about the vows I have to take
with this useless
pile of garbage
in a few hours from now.
What do we do?
You guys see the irony here.
The only person
who could possibly get
Barney back on his feet
is Barney.
See, over the years,
we'd all come to experience
something Barney called...
Stinson's Hangover Fixer Elixir!
The most effective
post-bender,
head's-too-tender ender
from here to Denver.
What's in it?
Glad you asked.
Ah, I take it back.
Columbia University, 1941...
I take it back, I take it back.
President Franklin
Delano Roosevelt,
whom we all know is most famous
for being a world-class drunk,
commissioned a top secret
scientific project...
develop an elixir to cure
the common hangover.
And what brilliant scientific
mind did boozy old FDR pick
to head up this historic task?
Look.
My head really hurts.
Let's just speed this along.
You're clearly ripping off
the story
of the Manhattan Project,
which was run
by Dr. Robert Oppenheimer.
So I'm gonna guess it was
your distant relative...
Barnert Stinsonheimer?
Somebody's read
their history books.
The Too Many Manhattans Project
hit a few snags at first.
The first batch exploded.
Which sounded
kind of like this.
Boom!
Oh!
You suck.
Just let me finish.
But the second batch...
sadly also exploded.
Boom!
Oh!
Why are you here right now?
Do you want to hear
the story or not?
Absolutely not. Please leave.
After some trial and error,
Dr. Stinsonheimer finally found
the magic formula.
Hang on.
Funyuns?
Tantrum Soda?
Sure.
In 1941?
Sure.
They haven't made
new Tantrum since then.
That stuff lasts a while.
Anyway, the elixir
was such a success,
he was awarded
the Bro-bel Prize.
True story.
Boom!
Wh-Wh-Why?
That time I was
just messing with you.
Just give me the stupid drink.
And the craziest part was...
I-I feel better.
Over the years,
each of us would discover
that Barney's
elixir actually worked.
Like, way better.
What's in this thing again?
Stinson family secret.
Oh, come on, you told me most of
the ingredients in your story.
Just tell me the secret one.
Ha! I'll never tell you.
I'll take it with me
to my grave.
Damn it, Barney!
Why are you always so selfish?
We are trying to help you!
Okay,
we somehow have
to get this leaky barf bag
back on his feet before
the wedding pictures.
Well, we know what Barney
would want us to do.
Say cheese.
Cheese!
No!
We are not doing
Weekend at Barney's!
But that's the dream!
I can't believe
I just said that.
Someone suggest
something useful!
Okay, here's the plan.
Marshall, you and Ted
go gather
the ingredients we do know.
Robin,
you wake up Barney long enough
to find out
the secret ingredient.
And I'll race down to the spa
to keep my 8:15 mani and pedi.
Okay, let's do this!
Bitch?
Walk out that door and I tag in
Zabka as my maid of honor.
Okay, let's start simple.
Fresh ocean air.
Come on, baby.
Come on, honey.
Come on, love, yeah.
Baby, baby.
I'll get the elevator.
Oh, I should get some water.
Okay, so...
accidentally throwing
Barney down the stairs
did not wake him up.
Nor did banging his
head on each step
as we dragged him back up here.
So, how do we
wake him up long enough
to tell us the final ingredient?
You know, when my sister and I
had trouble getting up
for school,
my dad had a few
cute little tricks.
I'll do it!
I swear to God I'll do it!
Your dad used to do this to you?
Well, it was with
a Cabbage Patch doll and an ax.
But same idea. Trust me.
I was never late
for kindergarten again.
What? Come on.
I second Marshall's vow.
I will never, ever get
that drunk again.
Yeah. She would.
My baby boy's
in college.
Did you pack enough undies?
Yes, Mom.
Your father did a lot of puking
in these hallowed halls.
From-from binge studying.
Saved it.
That reminds me, mister.
No underage drinking.
No good comes
from hanging out
in bars and getting drunk.
But every story
from your 20s starts in a bar.
Listen to your mother.
Oh, what are we gonna do
without you in the house?
We got him out of the house!
Drink up!
Oh...
You son of a bitch!
You son of a me!
All right, we got most
of the ingredients on our list.
Ginger, bananas, Funyuns.
I cannot believe
that minimart sold Tantrum.
It's been discontinued
for years.
Uh, hey.
Will you, uh,
toss me that bottle?
Oh. Yeah, we haven't
done this forever.
Dude!
You're a grown man.
Why you throwing a Tantrum?
Nice!
So awesome!
Okay, there's only
one more item on the list and...
it's an odd one.
Grease?
Grease.
At the Farhampton Inn,
we don't cook with grease.
Our menu is organic.
Farm to table, locally grown.
No "grease."
Sir,
I am from Minnesota,
where every meal
is cooked with grease.
And my father dubbed
that food the tastiest eats
in the whole
gosh darn world, so...
And how is your father's health?
Point is,
it tastes really good.
Also, uh,
we need it to help a friend
recover from a hangover.
Wait a second.
There's bacon right here.
And where there's bacon,
there's bacon grease.
Which we throw out.
And we aren't making
any more bacon today.
Not unless it all somehow gets
eaten in the ten minutes
before breakfast is over.
No, no, no!
Ted, do not give me that look!
A mountain of food.
A ticking clock? Come on!
You live for this stuff!
No, I'm not a wild animal.
I'm a Columbia-educated lawyer,
poised to become a judge
before age 35.
And remind me,
how did you celebrate
getting accepted into Columbia?
You eat one
eight-pound block of fudge
in 12 minutes
and you're marked for life.
You're not marked for life...
Big Fudge.
I'm out, okay?
You eat the bacon.
You know I can't.
I'm allergic.
Ted.
I've been trying
to tell you this for years.
Your bacon allergy is a lie
your mother made up
so you'd eat healthy as a kid.
No, I'm just allergic
to a lot of stuff.
Bacon, doughnuts,
Halloween candy.
Not saying thank you.
Oh, my God!
That bitch lied to me!
Okay, I'll-I'll do it.
But I... look, I don't, I don't
even know if I'll like bacon.
Mm-hmm.
What do you think?
I have seen the face of God.
Okay, there is one thing
we haven't tried yet.
Making out with each other.
You really think
that will wake him up?
Wake up who now?
Look at this soggy bag of snot.
That's it,
I am joining Marshall's vow.
I am never, ever getting
that drunk again.
Kids, you see
where this is going.
Did last night really happen?
I think so.
Look, let's just agree.
Absolute silence for
the rest of the day.
Every time.
You want me to get her?
No, I got her.
Yeah, I know, I know.
Hey, Barney?
Yeah?
Whose baby is this?
Uh, pardon.
How could you, Mom?
You had the map
to heaven
and you never showed me the way.
May you rot
in the bacon-less hell
that I've lived in
my entire life.
Yeah, they-they, uh,
crisp it up real nice here.
Don't they?
Mm-hmm.
What is that...
applewood smoked?
You know what, Ted,
you've been going
at it real hard.
Why don't you take a breather?
And I'll drive us home.
Well, congratulations.
Here's your grease.
No!
I don't want to lose a finger.
Here.
Thanks.
All right, Ted, let's go.
No, no!
I finally found
the one, Marshall.
Her name is Bacon.
You know, this would go great on
one of my mom's LT sandwiches.
Buddy, you got to take it easy.
Never!
I got a lifetime without bacon
to make up for.
I will keep eating and eating
and eating...
Oh, God, help me.
I'm going down.
And that's the first
and last time I ever ate bacon.
He's not waking up!
I'm out of ideas!
We've tried everything!
Not everything.
Lily Aldrin?
Let's make out.
Are you sure?
Yeah, baby, I'm sure.
Um...
okay, well, you know what?
I mean...
it probably won't even work.
And it was stupid.
I'm stupid.
You're beautiful.
More, more, more, more,
more, more, more, more.
Whoa, he's awake!
How'd you do it?
Nothing special.
Hydration, patience.
Quick, before he
passes out again.
Barney!
What's the secret ingredient
in Stinson's
Hangover Fixer Elixir?
Come on, stay with us.
The secret ingredient
is...
nothing.
Huh?
I ate too much bacon.
Stinson's Hangover Fixer Elixir
is a lie.
That's the secret.
You...
You know, I could use
a little lie-down myself.
So, Stinson's Hangover
Fixer Elixir is a lie?
Why would you lie about that?
Just to mess with us?
Like that one jerk
in every high school
who brings in fake mushrooms
just to see
who's gullible enough
to think they're tripping?
Damn you, Ollie Gunderson.
I knew those shrooms
tasted like Sea-Monkeys.
How do you know
what Sea-Monkeys taste like?
My older brothers are not...
the best people.
Why did you lie?
I...
love you guys.
He loves us?
Let's throw him down
the stairs again.
Yeah!
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!
Think about it.
The first time Barney
gave us that drink,
those hangovers all happened
at the worst possible moments.
Remember? Marshall thought
he botched day two
of the bar exam, so he freaked
out that night and got wasted?
Now I'm gonna miss
the last day of the bar?
I'll never be a lawyer!
I should just go back to being
a manager at Structure.
That ten percent
off all vests sale?
That was my idea!
As was cutting the arms off
all the shirts
that weren't selling.
That's where I belong.
No, Marshall.
You're gonna be a lawyer.
No, I can't do it.
Yes, you can. Your first day
back live on the air
is gonna be legend...
wait for it...
dary!
Your kindergarten field trip
to the jackhammer and
siren museum today...
is gonna be legendary.
No, it's not.
Nothing's ever gonna
be legendary again.
I-I'm never gonna
recover from this.
It's just a hangover, Ted.
Not that!
I got left at the altar, Barney.
I'm now a guy
who got left at the altar.
There's no coming back
from that.
Drink this.
You're gonna be okay.
Barney made up the Stinson's
Hangover Fixer Elixir
so we would all believe
that we could rally.
I mean, even though it's fake,
it-it worked.
Like-like Dumbo's feather.
Dum-bro's feather.
A placebo.
Place-bro.
A sugar pill.
I...
He lied so we'd be okay.
Hmm.
Barney does love us.
I wish we could help him out
the way he helped us.
But the wedding photos
are in 20 minutes.
My dad's gonna be so pissed.
Yup.
Barney's a dead man.
Barney?
You were always a bit...
chatty and blond
for my taste. Like a woman.
But this new side of you...
quiet,
steady?
I like it!
You've earned my
respect today, son.
I request the highest of fives.
Oh, no.
Stay cool.
I got this.
I don't believe this.
You did Weekend at Barney's.
And it worked.
God, today's gonna be
all downhill from here.
That's what the bride
wants to hear.
No, that's not what I meant.
I just mean Weekend at Barney's
is a thousand times more amazing
than our wedding could ever be.
I'm gonna get some more coffee.
I can't wait to see the photos!
Well, he bought it.
We lied out of love.
Look how happy he is.
I mean, he has no idea
we had to cancel
the wedding photos
and my dad was so angry,
he came up to our room
and kicked Barney in the crotch.
And the best part is
your dad has no idea.
He still loves me.
Hey, do anyone else's
balls hurt?
And, look,
some good came out of all this.
Seeing you like that,
we all vowed
never to get that drunk again.
Well, actually I didn't.
But I will now.
Never again.
Never... Ow!
Kids, no matter
how hard we try,
even the best of us go
a little too wild sometimes.
And in those moments,
we all need
someone who loves us
to help us rally.
Happy New Year.
Okay.
That was, that was way too loud.
You're practically screaming.
What you need
is Stinson's
Hangover Fixer Elixir.
Even if that means lying
once in a while.
Does it work?
Totally works.
It's normal,
it's totally normal.
I love you so much.
I love you, too.
Whoop, whoop.
Better drink it fast.
Mommy!
Hey, look who it is!
Get her!
I can't believe we kissed today.
Weird.
I-I feel kind of bad
that, um,
Ted and Marshall missed it.
Hey, we should kiss
one more time
in front of them just to,
like, blow their minds.
Right?
Nah, I don't think so.
Exactly, totally.
Ha-ha, guys, you don't get
to see this kiss either.
So, where should we go?
Closet, patio?
Ooh, I think the sauna's open.
Well, I... actually...
to be honest,
it-it felt kind of weird to me.
Once was enough.
Totally.
We could kiss.
We could not kiss.
We could kiss.
Doesn't matter to me.
It's stupid. I'm stupid.
So stupid.