It was the day
of Barney and Robin's wedding,
and a surprise guest
had just arrived.
Mom, I-I can't believe
you're here.
How did you get here?
On a plane.
With your fear of flying?
What, did the plane drive here?
I've made enormous strides
since you last saw me, dear.
This is nice.
I don't love flying,
I must admit.
I haven't been on a
plane in years, but...
maybe this won't
be such a bad...
Ladies and gentlemen,
we are cleared for takeoff.
We're all gonna die!
During the flight, I'll admit,
I-I had a few...
difficult moments,
but, you know,
by the time we'd landed...
Here already.
Well, I have to say,
it wasn't so dreadful after all.
Oh, I do apologize if
I caused any distress.
And, oh, I'm terribly
sorry about the door.
I had no idea it would
fly off like that.
Please, please
send me a bill,
because I'd like
to replace it.
I'll be taking the train home.
Well, it's official:
I'm gonna be
Judge Marshall Eriksen.
That is great.
Can you help me get
a driver's license?
A what?
Marshall, you, uh,
you don't sound
too excited to
become a judge.
I feel
kind of guilty about it.
I mean, I know how badly
Lily wanted to move to Italy.
Don't do this, bro.
Classic mistake.
You won... enjoy it.
Drink the blood of your
vanquished enemy and move on.
You're gonna be
a great husband.
No, no, wait,
he has a point.
I mean, you said yourself,
it was her decision.
Lily chose to
give up her job
and not move to Rome
so you could be a judge.
Yeah, but something
seemed off.
We had this big fight
and she stormed out,
and when she came back, she had
totally, like, changed her mind.
Wait, what time
was this?
A little after 3:00 a.m.,
Billy Zabka. Why?
Well, last night,
I was out
doing some late-night
dirt-biking in the sand.
Naturally. Continue.
And I ended up
at that EZ Pick a few
miles up the road.
And, well...
That's odd.
Boo...!
You saw Lily
getting into someone's car?
I wonder who it was.
What did
the license plate say?
It said...
"AHOY!"
The Captain!
Lily's boss.
He has a house out here.
Wait, why was Lily getting
into the Captain's car
at 3:00 in the morning?
Guys...
I hate to even say this, but...
do you think it's possible...
that I could eat
six of these saltines
in under a minute?
Challenge accepted!
Well, I can't wait
to meet this Barney.
I haven't met him
already, have I?
Because they said
after getting Tasered,
I might suffer from
short-term memory loss.
Oh, you'd remember
if you'd met Barney.
Why don't I see what
he's doing right now?
Barney's phone.
Ted, where's Barney?
He's trying to eat
six saltines in
under a minute.
Well, his future
mother-in-law is here.
Robin's mom is here.
And she wants to meet him.
She wants to meet you.
He's kind of in the middle of a
saltine challenge at the moment.
But as soon as he's done,
he'll just, uh, pop right over.
All right. Good-bye.
The saltine challenge?
Now?
It's his wedding day.
Guys do weird things
on their wedding day.
Well, on my wedding day,
Robin's father
completely disappeared
for about three hours.
He just said,
"I've got to go
and teach somebody some
manners," and off he went.
And then
three hours later,
he emerged from the
woods with a dead elk
slung across his shoulder.
And I didn't even know that
there were elk in Bermuda.
But this Barney...
he sounds like a fine young man.
Yes, he is.
We're going again.
Marshall, are you okay?
Why did she get into
the Captain's car,
and why didn't she
tell me about it?
Well, maybe it was
a work thing.
What? No.
She has a big
fight with me,
she goes down
to an EZ Pick,
she gets into
the Captain's Mercedes,
and then three
hours later,
she doesn't want to go
to Italy anymore?
I mean, do you
think this means...
That the Captain moored
his dinghy in Lily's lagoon?
Most definitely.
That's crazy.
You'd never moor a
dinghy in a lagoon.
I don't know, Ted.
In certain
tidal conditions,
if you had a
protected inlet...
Okay, you know what?
It doesn't matter.
Today is
Barney's wedding.
Let's just forget it.
Marshall...
do you want to go over to
the Captain's house right now,
punch him in the face
really fast
and then come back
and do this wedding?
Would that be okay?
Ranjit, get the car.
Getting the car.
Baby, I can't wait
to meet your mom,
but I kind of got to go on
a little excursion
with the boys right now.
What?
Where are you going?
Me and the boys have to go
teach someone some manners.
Are there any elk
on Long Island?
Oh, bother it!
I'll get it.
Ahoy, Marshall!
Are you okay, Robin?
No, I'm not okay,
because apparently,
I am marrying my dad
in a few hours.
Oh, sweetie, no.
I'm sure that's not true.
I mean, th-there's
so much
you don't know
about your father.
There were... oh, there
were so many other
red flags in our marriage.
I mean, for instance,
do you know that
before he was engaged to me,
he was engaged to marry
an exotic dancer?
Hello!
Red flag!
Oh, Genevieve,
not good.
And did you know
that one time,
to impress women,
he dressed up like
a Prussian aristocrat,
had a painting of himself made,
and posed next to it
in an art gallery?
Can you imagine?
Oh, that's a
rough one.
Darling, darling,
the list goes on.
He would always take
his mother's side in arguments.
He never checked with me
before making plans.
And our rehearsal dinner...
oh, boy, did we have it out
right before our
rehearsal dinner!
Thank you, Linus.
For the first
ten years I knew him,
I didn't even know what
your father did for a living.
Every time I used
to ask him,
he'd just say...
Please!
Yes, that's exactly
what he used to say.
How did you know that?
Heck of a jab,
Marshall.
Well-placed.
Captain,
I know something happened
between you and Lily last night.
What?
No. Nothing happened.
Captain's honor.
Well, you can ask my fiancée.
Fiancée?
What-what fiancée?
Captain.
Permission to clear things up?
Granted.
Me.
We're engaged.
It's "boats,
boats, boats"!
Ted, look!
Uh, yeah.
I mean, yeah, I know her
from that commercial.
Boats, boats, boats!
And only from
that commercial.
No, you
banged her.
Remember?
Like, a bunch
of times.
You knocked "boots,
boots, boots."
All right, Captain.
What the hell
happened here
last night?
Well, it was just
after four bells.
Ahoy!
Hi, I-I know it's late,
but I've got to get out of here.
So I sent the car.
When she got here...
Lily, what a lovely...
Can I use your powder room?
And then she went
to the powder room.
She was in there
quite a while, actually.
Probably a deuce.
Go on.
And when she came out,
she had to leave right away.
It was odd.
But I assure you,
nothing inappropriate happened
between me and your wife.
Captain, I understand
what you're saying,
but what you don't
understand is that
Lily is my wife,
and I love her
way too much
to behave rationally
right now!
En garde!
This is the best
day of my life.
Oh, darling,
come on, no, no.
You're not marrying
your father.
I mean,
your father...
I mean, let's just
put it this way.
Your father was
a sociopath.
He slept with
over 20 women.
And sure, you know,
we were friends
for years first
and it was entertaining
watching him lie
to those poor girls
to get inside their snow pants,
but I should have
known back then
this was not
husband material.
I mean, even your
Uncle Jim, you know,
his gay black brother...
Will you shut up!
Go for Barney!
Your bride is freaking
the crap out right now.
Where the hell are you?
I warn you,
Captain,
I've pretended to have a duel
with actual swords twice.
I warn you, Marshall,
I was on the Olympic
fencing team.
Won three gold medals.
I warn you, Captain,
I'm starting to feel like
this was a mistake.
I think I'd better
not say where I am.
I am not kidding around here!
Tell me where you are!
We're at the Captain's house.
What is it?
What's wrong?
I am so busted.
Thank you, Linus.
You have another piece of gum?
I can keep a secret.
I can keep a secret real good.
Are you chewing gum?
I can keep a secret
like nobody's business,
'cause it is nobody's business.
You never chew gum.
You shouldn't
chew gum in here.
'Cause it's a secret,
and I'm keeping it!
Wait!
Stop the duel!
Oh, thank God.
I mean, why?
Why?
Because I just solved
the mystery,
that's why.
Mosby Boys!
We agreed you wouldn't
do that anymore.
Mystery? What mystery?
Lily has a secret.
She's hiding something,
and I know what it is.
Okay, what is she hiding?
I'll tell you in a minute.
I want to enjoy the suspense
a little bit first.
Ooh.
Oh, my God, will
you just tell us!
Very well.
Now, we can all agree
that this is the first
time I've ever set foot
in this house, correct?
Oh, this is
going to be unbearable.
Now, Captain, your powder room...
does it face out
on the ocean?
Of course, right over the cliff.
Just as I suspected.
And if I were to walk
into this powder
room right now,
I believe I'd see a
potted plant of some sort.
Is that correct?
Yes. There's a daisy.
A daisy. Interesting.
Uh, not traditionally
an indoor plant,
but I suppose
it gets plenty of light
with the southern exposure.
That's right, it does.
Will you please fetch the daisy?
Aye-aye.
I totally solved it.
You didn't solve it.
You didn't
solve it.
You didn't solve it.
Did you solve...?
No, you didn't solve it.
I solved it!
Ah.
Thank you, Captain.
Now...
a simple question.
When Lily and Marshall are apart
for an extended period of time,
what is the one thing
Lily always does?
Cry?
Masturbate?
Karate?
Go sailing?
No.
When Lily and Marshall are apart
for a long period of time,
Lily... always...
starts smoking again.
That's true, she does.
Happened when she went
to Paris in college.
It happened when she moved
to San Francisco, and last week,
it happened again.
From the moment Marshall left
for Minnesota,
Lily's been secretly
puffing down the ciggies
like a 46-year-old grandma
at a Reno slot machine.
Problem was,
come Friday morning,
she knew she'd have
to quit again, cold turkey.
And it wouldn't be easy.
She tried to make it
a whole car ride
without a fix, but couldn't.
So, she pretended to be annoyed
by perfectly reasonable things,
like my stylish driving gloves
and my appreciation of the
historic van Otterloop manse.
All so she could have
one last smoke on the train.
But afterwards,
her breath told the tale.
And that's why,
when she got to the hotel,
Lily...
was chewing... gum.
Lily never chews gum.
What? Never?
Well, hardly ever.
Great job, Ted.
That's some pretty
solid evidence. Gum.
Oh, Barney, my dear boy.
I'm just getting started.
Getting started?
Lily knew that cigarette
was probably her last
for a while.
She needed something
to keep her nerves calm,
so she headed to the bar.
Anytime you see me
without a drink in my hand,
you put a drink in my hand.
Are you my guy, Linus?
What followed was
a long day and a half for Lily.
A really long day and a half.
Oh, it's kind of insane
how much happened
in just a day and a half.
Anyway, Marshall returned,
they had a big fight,
Lily stormed out.
And that's when she realized,
if she was gonna sneak one
this weekend,
this was her chance.
And after that fight,
boy, did she need one.
Only problem: she was all out.
Now,
it's 3:00 a.m.,
you need a cigarette,
and the only place
that's open is an EZ Pick
that's five miles down the road.
You have no car.
What do you do? Go.
Dirt-bike it.
I can walk that far.
Masturbate.
Take a boat.
What? A boat? No.
Dude, she got a ride
in your car, remember?
Ahoy.
Hi. I-I know it's late,
but I've got to get out of here.
I want to make
one stop first.
The problem was,
Lily didn't want to smoke
in front of her new employer.
So, when she arrived
at the Captain's house,
there was only one
possible course of action.
Can I use your powder room?
Now,
you're Lily.
You've just had a cigarette
in your boss's powder room.
What do you do
with the cigarette butt?
Throw it out the window?
Flush it?
No, she-she wouldn't do
either of those things.
She's an environmentalist.
Stick it in your purse?
Marshall could find it there.
Throw it in the trash can.
The Captain would
find it there.
Hide it in a boat.
A boat? Wait.
How would that...
I don't know.
I just... I like boats.
No.
There's only one place
that she would put it.
A place where, eventually,
it would decompose and serve
as a natural mulch.
It's in the daisy.
And sure enough,
if I dig around...
I am all but guaranteed
to find...
A pregnancy test.
You could smoke those?
Oh, no.
So, you want
the Kennedy package?
Bingo.
One other little thing.
When you do put a drink
in my hand,
let's make it non-alcoholic.
There's a chance
I might be pregnant.
Okay, Linus,
don't start popping
the sparkling cider just yet.
I'm just being cautious.
I'll take a test
when I get home.
It can wait.
Are Marvin and I
and any other future children
we may have
just some consolation prize?
I have to get out of here.
It can't wait.
Lily, what a lovely...
Can I use your powder room?
Two minutes. Here we go.
Guys, we need to go back
to the hotel.
Lily peed on that,
and you touched it.
Lily?
We're gonna have a baby?
I told you guys
I could keep a secret.
Uh, uh, Barney,
this-this is my mom.
Hi.
Hello.
Oh.
Oh, he's a hugger.
Nothing like your dad.
I'm sorry. I-I was
gonna tell you tonight.
No. Oh, my God, no. It's fine.
There's just...
there's so much we have to do.
You know, we have to, um...
we have to do research on...
uh, hospitals in Italy,
and we have to, uh...
We're not going to Italy.
Of course we are.
Lily, we have to do this.
You're gonna live in Rome,
and you're gonna get your dream,
because...
because you're giving me mine.
Again.
But there's gonna be
all sorts of paperwork,
and-and if she's born outside
of the U.S.,
she could never
become president.
It's a girl?
Oh. I don't know, but...
in my mind,
I kind of think she is.
Oh.
I love you so much.
Mmm.
We're gonna give you
some privacy.
It's my room. Why
do I have to...?
Just... come on.
I thought this was
an exit.
No, balcony.
Ah. Oh.
Well, we'll just give them
a few minutes, and then...
Mm-hmm.
we'll go
back in and...
Oh.
Oh, they are both naked.
Yeah, they work fast.
Yes.
Oh, darling.
Oh, you're going
to be fine.
You know, for every marriage
in the world
like I had with your dad,
you know, there's...
there's a marriage
like those two in there.
And, oh, marriage is...
Oh, it's terrifying.
It's-it's like flying.
You know, you're-you're filled
with this mortal dread,
but if you find someone
you feel safe with,
it's like flying!
But if you got someone that you
feel is really there for you,
someone you can depend on,
you're gonna be fine.
Do you have someone
like that?
I do.
C'mon, bro.
don't bogart the Funyuns.
I'm not bogarting them.
There's another bag
in the kitchen.
Lily,
my darling.
I'm the one who boxed
up those Funyuns
and shipped them
here from New York.
So it would be nice if you
didn't eat them all.
Who brings food to Italy?
IT'S ITALY!
Then why are you
eating my Funyuns!
You don't want me
to eat your Funyuns?
Fine.
Let's take the kids to the
square for some gelato!
Now you're talking!
Mickey!
Let's go get some gelato!
That's a great idea.
I've got the kids in the
stroller and everything!
Principessa!
We're going to get some gelato!
You betcha!
My beautiful children.
Good morning, Marvin.
Good morning...
Daisy.