Hi.
Okay.
So I thought we'd...
try this new restaurant.
It's right around
the corner from here.
It's Scottish-Mexican fusion.
Scottish-Mexican fusion?
Scottish-Mexican fusion.
Those seem like two things
that do not fuse.
Perhaps you'll change
your mind when you try
their signature
haggis enchiladas.
Okay.
- All right. Yeah, come on.
- Lead the way.
I was surprised
when you called.
Isn't there some
universal guy rule
where you have to wait
four days to call a girl?
That... does not ring a bell.
And it's three days.
Here we are.
(bagpipes and trumpets playing
mariachi music)
Uh, I did not realize
there would be live music.
So, uh, should we...
Eat anywhere but here?
- Yeah. Yeah.
Besides, I'm sure
we can find a place
where we don't need
reservations.
Oh, you think
it's just that easy?
Just stroll in off the
street and get a meal?
Well, let me tell you
the tale of Gary Blauman.
There's the blushing bride!
Oh!
Gary Blauman!
How are you?
Uh, duh, like I need to ask.
You're getting married.
Well, don't let me keep you.
You have things to do.
I will see you
walking down the aisle.
I'll be the guy in the
eighth row going like this.
Right?
Right.
- Good luck today!
- Thank you.
Okay.
Hey, there's the
blushing bride...
Code red!
Oh, my God. Oh, my God,
oh, my God, oh, my God,
- oh, my God!
- Why the code red?
I mean, if it's...
if it's about your hair,
I didn't even notice;
especially not from the back.
- What?
- Nothing.
Gary Blauman is here,
and I had no idea he was coming.
His reply card must've
gotten lost in the mail.
I mean,
where's he gonna sit?
It took us weeks to plan
the seating chart!
Robin.
Shh.
- I got you.
- Huh?
You're talking to
the seating chart master.
At my own wedding, I managed
to sit small-town Minnesotans
right next to liberal New
Yorkers with grace and aplomb.
Table 27 still gets together
once a year for a reunion.
Perhaps you've seen their photos
on Facebook.
Like I said...
I got you.
Thanks, Marshall.
Code red!
Grandma's sitting
next to the band,
divorced couple sitting one
table away from each other,
no coherent
singles table.
This is the Robin's hair
of seating charts.
Singles tables are cruel.
I mean, what if you went
to a wedding
and there was a table
of all fat guys?
- That would be awesome.
- You're right, it would.
Let's crack this
Gary Blauman nut first,
and then we'll work
on the fat guy table.
Wait, did you say Gary Blauman?
Yeah. Why?
I... hate... that guy.
Why?
Remember a few years ago
when I read that biography
of Teddy Roosevelt?
For weeks after I read it,
I only wanted to talk
about one thing.
Teddy Roosevelt was
the coolest guy ever!
Oh, that's it!
No more books, Ted.
I don't like the person
you become when you read books.
Here's the deal: you
get to tell us one more
interesting fact
about Teddy Roosevelt.
One more, and then
you're done forever.
So make it a good one.
Okay.
He went blind in one eye...
from getting hit too hard
in a boxing match...
while he was president!
- That's a pretty
good one.
- Wow.
That is kind of...
Right? Oh, and when he was
at Harvard...
No! No!
- Shut up!
- Oh, my God! Please!
Well, one night,
we were throwing a party
to celebrate... something...
I-I can't remember what...
when a pretty girl
I had never met
noticed the book
on the coffee table.
I can't believe
you have this book.
I just finished
reading it.
Teddy Roosevelt was
the coolest guy ever.
A unicorn.
I couldn't believe it.
It was a stroke of luck on par
with the 50-page manuscript
in Roosevelt's breast pocket
that helped slow that
would-be assassin's bullet.
Dude, come on.
Sorry. Anyway...
enter Gary Blauman.
Is that the Teddy
Roosevelt biography?
Coolest guy ever.
Right? Right?
- Right? Right?
- Right?
So the three of us started
talking Teddy Roosevelt.
When he took that
four-minute flight
on the Wright
brother's plane?
So cool.
The time he climbed
the tallest mountain
in Europe on
his honeymoon.
So cool.
And that's when I realized,
Blauman and I were locked
in a battle of wills
that made T.R.'s charge
up San Juan Hill
look like a walk in the park.
Or should I say,
in the national park,
since it was Roosevelt
who spearheaded
the establishment...
Dude, come on. I gave you one.
The battle raged on.
In a way, he was...
the archetype
of the modern politician!
Dude, knock it off.
Knock what off, bro?
This is my apartment,
my Teddy Roosevelt
conversation,
I get the girl.
Oh, so the fact that
you're the incumbent means
she should just pick you?
Tell that
to William Howard Taft.
You're calling me Taft?
If anyone's Taft, you're Taft!
I'm not Taft! I'm Teddy!
The hell you are.
My name is Ted!
Yeah, right. Go sign the
Payne-Aldrich Tariff Act, Taft!
How dare you?
Skinny-dipping
in the Potomac River.
And so the standoff
continued, hours passed...
then days.
Days passed?
Days passed.
Finally, a T.R. stricken
by tropical fever
on his Amazon trek,
we could go no further.
When he was Assistant Secretary
of the Navy...
Will you just pick
one of us already
so I can either have sex
or go to sleep!
Smooth, bro.
After that day,
I have never liked that guy.
So let's just tell Robin
this can't be done,
and send Gary Blauman packing.
Did you just say
Gary Blauman?
Yeah.
I...
love that guy!
What? He's the devil!
He's an angel.
It was 2006,
Marshall and I had broken up,
and I was back in New York
feeling vulnerable
and listening to
my breakup song over and over.
Sugar Ray's "Fly."
You know it.
Man, you know nothing
about breakups.
I really don't.
Anyway, then I hit bottom.
There's a bottom
below Sugar Ray?
Mm.
What?
Why have I never
seen that before?
I've been using cover-up
and strategically placed straps
for a long time
to keep this puppy quiet.
After all the times
you guys made fun of me
for my breakup butterfly
tattoo?
Oh, the fact that Ted got
a butterfly tattoo,
will you ever stop
being hilarious?
So why is it only
half a butterfly?
Because Gary Blauman saw me
in the tattoo parlor,
dragged me out
and talked some sense into me.
Lily, trust me,
you and Marshall
are going to get back together.
And when you do, you will
be so glad you did not get
the other half
of that butterfly.
Actually, I was gonna get a
little more than the butterfly.
It's good that I ran into you.
Marshall, Blauman saved you
from a lifetime
of looking at Sugar Ray every
time we do it on your birthday.
Find him a nice seat.
No, no, do not find him a seat.
- I'm telling you, this guy...
- You find him a nice...
Neither of us
was gonna back down,
so finally we decided
to take it to the groom.
- Wh-What's going on?
- Shh!
Wha...?
Who's that guy?
It's my ex-boyfriend.
So, we're crouching
behind a van,
hiding from
your ex-boyfriend.
Forgive me, I'm a little bit
of a detective.
It was a bad breakup?
Pretty bad.
Bad like
there was a big fight?
Bad like there was
a big ring.
Bad like this happened
in the past year?
Bad like it
happened Saturday.
So bad.
Yeah.
Okay, he's gone.
I'm so sorry, Ted.
I really like you,
but I'm-I'm in
the weirdest place on Earth
right now.
You're in a Scottish-Mexican
restaurant?
Yup.
Yeah, I am.
It's just too soon
for me to be dating.
I think I should head home.
Well, want me to walk with you?
Lots of scary ex-boyfriends
in this neighborhood.
Sure.
I do want to hear
the rest of that story.
Right, right the story.
Yeah.
So, we decided
to take it to the groom.
Did you say Gary Blauman?
Yeah.
Gary Blauman?
Yes.
Blauman... comma, Gary?
Point, comma,
get to the damn.
I...
love
that we have the opportunity
to destroy
Gary Blauman's weekend by
kicking him out of the wedding!
Yes! Gary Blauman Haters' Club
right here!
What that guy did to me.
Oh... God!
It makes me
furious to this day!
Okay, okay, I'm gonna try
and tell this story
without completely losing it.
Ready? Okay, here goes.
I was at the...
Nope, not gonna happen.
Give me a second.
- Ooh!
I was at the bar.
Hey, Barney!
What's up, Blauman?
Have a seat.
Oh, thanks.
Your fries.
Need anything?
I'm good, thanks.
Oh, but he was not good, thanks.
He was not good, thanks, at all!
Oh, what? Did he take
one of your fries?
Take one?
Lily, it would have been
one thing
if he took one of my fries;
that would have been one thing.
No, Lily, that day,
Blauman took...
four of my fries!
But that's not even the capper!
Here's the part that still
keeps me up at night:
the fourth fry he took...
Buddy, you oka... you okay?
The fourth fry he took...
was an accidental curly.
You don't take
a man's accidental curly.
You take a man's wife
before you take
his accidental curly.
If you wanted
curly fries so bad,
why not just order them
in the first place?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
'Cause that's
what you want.
All curly fries.
Regular cut with
a few accidental curlies.
That's what you want.
- That's the dream.
- He's right.
- That is the dream.
- No!
I refuse to look
down from the altar
as I say my vowels to
the woman of my dreams,
and see that
damned, stupid,
accidental-curly-
fry-stealing
Gary Blauman!
Did you say Gary Blauman?
I...
hate...
to disagree with Barney.
But I love that guy!
I just met him earlier today.
Oh, my gosh!
It's you.
Yeah.
You're the poet William Zabka.
Nobody ever recognizes me
for my poetry.
He has all six
of my collections.
When Terry Gross interviewed me
on Fresh Air, he listened live.
Gary Blauman rules!
Gary Blauman?
I...
hate...
that I once thought
I loved Gary Blauman.
Ooh, this sounds good.
Gary's the guy
that I had an affair with.
Tom found out,
threw me out of the house.
Now the kids are
from a broken home.
Because of Gary Blauman,
everything that matters to me
is gone.
I got that beat.
So, I was ordering
these fries...
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Blauman's gay?
Well...
then that means that night,
the real battle
was between Blauman
and the girl.
And the prize... was this guy.
Keep telling yourself
that, buddy.
I don't want to see Gary Blauman
at my brother's wedding.
- Neither do I!
I'm the brother in question!
- Now, now, hold on.
Order! Order!
Robin put this on my plate,
and so I'll make the decision.
Now, let's take a short recess.
Everybody out.
Okay.
Lily, out of court settlement.
Drop this whole thing,
and I'll give you ten bucks.
No.
I can't go higher than ten.
I'm ready to give
my decision.
This was a tough one.
Lot of good points
on both sides.
But ultimately... Blauman stays.
- Yeah.
- What in the...?
For one simple reason.
There is a higher law
at every wedding.
A law that trumps
all other arguments.
When the bride asks
for something, she gets it.
Yes.
- Wow.
Good point.
He's right.
This fake court thingy
is adjourned.
Judged.
Well, I guess
let's go find Blauman
and tell him the good news.
Yeah, about that.
Bit of a wrinkle.
I was just in the hallway,
ran into Blauman.
I told him
if he didn't leave immediately,
then Billy Zabka was gonna
crane-kick him in the face.
What?
But that's not
even my move!
I...
We have to stop him.
- Barney!
- I...
Come on, come on, come on.
So, we all run out
to the parking lot
to stop Gary Blauman from
leaving the wedding...
What are you doing?
This is my place.
Oh.
So, uh...
well, I guess this...
this is where I leave you.
This is your place.
Yup.
You sure it's not
a few blocks that way?
Nope, it's right here.
It's right
where you picked me up.
So it is.
Well... good night.
Good night.
Eight years earlier,
I probably would've given
some embarrassing speech,
confessed my love
and scared her off.
But I didn't.
Because somehow I just knew
this was all gonna work out.
- Ted?
- Oh, thank God.
Do you at least want
to finish your story?
Right.
So, we all ran out
to the parking lot, and...
Blauman, Blauman,
I'm sorry.
You can stay. Billy won't
kick you in the face.
It's not even my move.
If I was gonna do anything,
I'd sweep the leg,
and put you in a body bag;
everyone knows that.
Wait, is that
from one of your poems?
Thank you for that.
Please stick around,
for the bride.
You're not a Taft.
Even if you are,
Roosevelt shouldn't have
divided the party like that.
I mean, he handed the
election to Wilson.
- Completely, right?
- Right? Right?
No, wait! No! All right?
Forget it!
And, James, I'm sorry
about you and Tom.
But you have to stop blaming me
for your own decisions.
Well, guys, take a good look.
This face you won't
be seeing again.
Come...
The bri... the bri...
Gary?
He's really leaving.
Hey, Barney.
You still, uh,
have my wedding ring?
Yeah.
I've got some work to do.
Excuse me.
Blauman will cool off
eventually.
We'll see him again.
Of course we will.
I don't know.
I mean, we might
really never see him again.
Because I remember
at our wedding
looking out and thinking,
"Man, everyone here means
so much to me."
A bunch of those people,
you know,
I haven't seen them since.
And that's how it goes, kids.
The friends, neighbors,
drinking buddies
and partners in crime
you love so much
when you're young,
as the years go by,
you just lose touch.
That being said,
I did manage to keep track
of a few people.
Carl's still behind the bar
at MacLaren's.
Hey, watch it over there.
Yeah, watch it over there!
It's become a family business.
Jeanette was arrested
for mailing jars of urine
to Val Kilmer.
No, not that Val Kilmer.
She narrowly avoided
prison time,
but did receive mandatory
psychological counseling.
Hello, handsome.
I should say up front, I'm
not allowed to date my...
Oh, what the hell.
She and Kevin live
in Poughkeepsie now.
Ranjit made a couple really
good stock picks, and, well,
he owns the limo service now.
Bitterman, get the car.
Getting the car, sir.
Patrice has
her own drive-time radio show.
People call in,
she gives advice.
Because
sometimes I just feel like
he never listens to me,
you know?
Gosh, caller,
that's a real pickle.
You know,
my grandma always says...
Damn it, Patrice,
I'm not finished!
Sorry, sorry, go on.
William Zabka became
the youngest poet ever
to win the American Humanities
Medal for Literature.
He's currently working on
a collection of travel essays.
Hyah!
Zoey pops up in the news
every now and then
supporting some cause
or another.
It doesn't always
go well for her.
The hawk is a majestic creature!
She means you no har...
Aah, no! I'm your friend!
I'm helping you!
Still, it's nice knowing
she's out there
fighting the good fight.
Scooter's been married
for a while.
Apparently, he met
a girl at work,
and it was love at first sight.
I guess something about her
helped him get over Lily.
You look beautiful today,
Jasmine.
Like every day.
Move. I serve
sloppy joe now.
Blitz struggled with a gambling
addiction for a while.
But after a three-day bender
on the same slot machine,
he finally kicked it.
I got to get help.
Yes!
Aw, man!
I'm not sure what happened
to Blahblah.
But I'd like to think
that wherever she is, she...
Carol! Her name was Carol!
Thank you.
Sandy Rivers' inappropriate
office behavior
finally caught up with him,
ending his news career...
in America.
He hasn't changed.
It took some doing,
but James finally convinced Tom
to take him back.
And nobody's happier about it
than their kids.
Hey, kids, have I ever told you
how I met your father?
It was at a party.
And as for Blauman...
Guys, wait!
I'm sorry for storming off
like that.
I don't want to miss
this wedding.
You will be shocked, kids,
when you discover
how easy it is in life
to part ways
with people forever.
That's why
when you find someone
you want to keep around,
you do something about it.
So, I guess...
good night.
Good night.
Unless...
do you want
to walk around some more?
It's still early.
Sure.
What are you doing?
Remembering this.
Come on.