1 00:00:00,173 --> 00:00:02,107 - Hey. - Hey, dude. 2 00:00:02,175 --> 00:00:04,109 What's up, buddy? 3 00:00:04,177 --> 00:00:07,305 Hey, your face looks, like, poofy. 4 00:00:07,381 --> 00:00:09,713 Yeah, I've been cryin' a little bit. 5 00:00:09,783 --> 00:00:12,251 I'm sorry. 6 00:00:12,319 --> 00:00:14,253 Hey, do you have that basketball? 7 00:00:14,321 --> 00:00:17,154 Mac and I were about to go play in the park. I think you... 8 00:00:17,224 --> 00:00:19,181 - Yeah. I might. Come on in. - Yeah? Okay. 9 00:00:23,530 --> 00:00:26,363 Wow, dude! I thought my place looked like shit. 10 00:00:26,433 --> 00:00:29,459 Yeah. 11 00:00:29,536 --> 00:00:32,164 What's wrong? You look, hungover or something. 12 00:00:32,239 --> 00:00:36,608 No. Yeah, it's... I found out I might have cancer, so ooh. 13 00:00:40,414 --> 00:00:43,383 - What? - Yeah, I found out I might have cancer. 14 00:00:43,450 --> 00:00:47,216 That's why I haven't been down to the bar recently. And... 15 00:00:49,589 --> 00:00:51,614 Jesus, dude. I don't know what to say. 16 00:00:51,692 --> 00:00:53,922 You don't have to say anything. Here, check these pamphlets out. 17 00:00:53,994 --> 00:00:57,293 They go over cancer, cancer-related issues. 18 00:00:59,599 --> 00:01:02,817 You know, it feels actually pretty good to get this off my chest, you know? 19 00:01:02,836 --> 00:01:05,737 - Yeah? - I've been sittin' in here boohooin' a little bit. 20 00:01:05,806 --> 00:01:08,172 So... I mean, I'm glad we can talk. 21 00:01:08,241 --> 00:01:10,368 We can talk, right? 22 00:01:10,444 --> 00:01:13,038 - Yeah. Of course. Yeah, talk. We can always talk. - Awesome, dude. 23 00:01:13,113 --> 00:01:16,571 All right, so it starts out I'm not feeling good. I'm havin' headaches and... 24 00:01:16,650 --> 00:01:21,150 Did you want to talk, like, right now? 25 00:01:21,621 --> 00:01:24,351 Well, you know, I was thinking we could talk right now. 26 00:01:24,424 --> 00:01:26,654 Well, it's not really a good time. 27 00:01:26,727 --> 00:01:29,924 It's just that Mac and Sweet Dee are down in the car waitin' for me. 28 00:01:29,996 --> 00:01:32,988 I told them I'd just, you know, zip in and zip out. 29 00:01:35,502 --> 00:01:38,335 - Yeah. All right. - I could ask 'em to wait. 30 00:01:40,240 --> 00:01:42,174 Don't do that. 31 00:01:42,242 --> 00:01:44,176 - I really shouldn't. - Then don't. 32 00:01:57,324 --> 00:01:59,224 Hey, look, man. 33 00:01:59,292 --> 00:02:02,056 - Keep... Keep your head up. You're gonna get through this. - Yeah. 34 00:02:02,129 --> 00:02:04,563 - Yeah. - Do me a favor though. Don't tell anybody. 35 00:02:04,631 --> 00:02:07,498 - I don't want it gettin' around. - No, no. I won't say anything. 36 00:02:07,567 --> 00:02:09,501 Thanks. All right. 37 00:02:13,707 --> 00:02:15,902 Could I get the... the basketball though? 38 00:02:15,976 --> 00:02:18,542 It's just we're supposed to meet, like, a bunch of people... 39 00:02:18,545 --> 00:02:22,345 - and we were supposed to bring that. - Yeah, no. You're... Okay. 40 00:02:54,178 --> 00:02:57,614 Charlie's got such great hair. Is he gonna lose all of his hair? 41 00:02:57,682 --> 00:02:59,616 Yeah. He probably is. 42 00:02:59,684 --> 00:03:02,517 - Well, so what kind of cancer is it? - I don't know, man. 43 00:03:02,587 --> 00:03:04,680 - Well, when does he go in for treatment? - He didn't say. 44 00:03:04,755 --> 00:03:08,623 You know, we just stood there for a long time and didn't say much, you know? 45 00:03:08,693 --> 00:03:11,491 And we cried together, and I held him for a while... 46 00:03:11,562 --> 00:03:13,757 and that was it. 47 00:03:16,234 --> 00:03:20,034 That is so sad. He is gonna look so bad without that hair. 48 00:03:20,104 --> 00:03:22,902 - We gotta do somethin' nice for him. We should go back. - No, no, no. 49 00:03:22,974 --> 00:03:25,499 We can't go back. He made me promise not to tell anybody. 50 00:03:25,576 --> 00:03:28,340 So when we see him we're supposed to act like we don't know anything? 51 00:03:28,412 --> 00:03:31,313 - Yeah. - No, no. That's not right at all. 52 00:03:31,382 --> 00:03:33,316 We can't just abandon him right now. 53 00:03:33,384 --> 00:03:35,875 He needs people around him. He shouldn't be alone. 54 00:03:35,953 --> 00:03:38,945 I learned a lot in my theater and psych classes about the human nature... 55 00:03:39,023 --> 00:03:42,254 Whoa, whoa, whoa. Dee, you know what? Nobody cares about your psych or theater training. 56 00:03:42,326 --> 00:03:44,260 No, no, no. Dee's right. Let's think about this. 57 00:03:44,328 --> 00:03:46,728 What's the one thing that Charlie never gets? 58 00:03:46,797 --> 00:03:49,527 - Laid. - Right! So let's find a girl for Charlie. 59 00:03:49,600 --> 00:03:52,160 - No, not at all what I was saying actually. - No, no. Let's find... 60 00:03:52,236 --> 00:03:54,602 Let's find a girl for Charlie... someone to be there for him... 61 00:03:54,672 --> 00:03:56,663 - spend time with him, you know, nurture him. - Bang him. 62 00:03:56,741 --> 00:03:58,936 - Have sex with him, right. - Okay, great. 63 00:03:59,010 --> 00:04:01,570 - You have any friends desperate enough? - Are you out of your mind? 64 00:04:01,646 --> 00:04:03,646 - I'm not helping you with this. - Come on. 65 00:04:03,648 --> 00:04:05,843 - Don't be a pain in the ass. - I am not be... 66 00:04:05,917 --> 00:04:09,353 Speaking of which, anybody want to get up off their ass and help me with the boxes? 67 00:04:09,420 --> 00:04:11,354 - The boxes? That's what Charlie does. - Charlie's job, yeah. 68 00:04:11,422 --> 00:04:14,186 - Yeah. Well, I can't do it all by myself. - I'm sorry. 69 00:04:14,258 --> 00:04:18,354 So Charlie's wasting away, and we're gonna talk about Sweet Dee's feelings all morning. 70 00:04:18,429 --> 00:04:20,954 - Great. - Okay, you know what? I love Charlie very much. 71 00:04:21,032 --> 00:04:23,694 But this is a stupid idea you guys have. So you know what? 72 00:04:23,768 --> 00:04:25,768 - Whatever! - I am not helping you with it. 73 00:04:25,803 --> 00:04:28,966 - Whatever. You know what, Dennis? We don't need her. - You're right. We don't need her. 74 00:04:29,040 --> 00:04:31,873 What we'll do is we'll find a girl for Charlie tonight in the bar. 75 00:04:31,943 --> 00:04:33,877 - Yes. - No, you won't. 76 00:04:33,945 --> 00:04:36,937 - Yes, we will. - There are never any girls in this bar. 77 00:04:39,450 --> 00:04:41,418 Goddamn it! 78 00:04:41,485 --> 00:04:43,612 - I told you. - I don't get it, Dee. 79 00:04:43,688 --> 00:04:46,782 There are tons of women in this city. Where do they go? 80 00:04:46,857 --> 00:04:50,691 - They're at the velvet-rope clubs on Delaware Avenue. - Why? 81 00:04:50,761 --> 00:04:53,491 Dennis, our bar is in South Philly in a scary alley. 82 00:04:53,564 --> 00:04:55,896 - Might as well call it Rape Bar. - No, no, no. 83 00:04:55,967 --> 00:04:58,959 The problem is that every time a beautiful girl comes into a place like this... 84 00:04:59,036 --> 00:05:01,095 it's always the biggest asshole that winds up accosting her. 85 00:05:01,172 --> 00:05:04,972 Carmen, you have the most amazing body. Are you bulimic, or what? 86 00:05:05,042 --> 00:05:07,374 No. I work out, like, every day. 87 00:05:07,445 --> 00:05:10,676 - Yeah, it shows. - You look like you work out too. 88 00:05:10,748 --> 00:05:12,716 Yeah. One would think actually. 89 00:05:12,783 --> 00:05:15,650 But it's pretty much all natural. 90 00:05:15,720 --> 00:05:18,848 Dennis, maybe you need to rethink this whole plan of yours. 91 00:05:18,923 --> 00:05:21,756 I don't think getting Charlie laid is gonna help his cancer problem. 92 00:05:21,826 --> 00:05:24,056 - Whatever. - Dennis, I found the perfect girl for Charlie. 93 00:05:24,128 --> 00:05:26,062 - Smart, beautiful, the whole thing. - Where? 94 00:05:26,130 --> 00:05:28,758 - Right there. - Over by the pool table? 95 00:05:28,833 --> 00:05:31,961 - Yeah. Nice. - That's great, Mac. 96 00:05:32,036 --> 00:05:34,504 - Good work, Mac. - That's a dude. 97 00:05:34,572 --> 00:05:36,767 No. The one with the exposed midriff and the cans. 98 00:05:36,841 --> 00:05:38,900 Yeah. That's Eric Wyzotski's cousin. Carmen, right? 99 00:05:38,976 --> 00:05:40,910 - Yeah. - Yeah, Carmen. 100 00:05:40,978 --> 00:05:42,775 - Tranny. - Implants? 101 00:05:42,847 --> 00:05:43,905 - Yeah. - Nice. 102 00:05:43,981 --> 00:05:45,915 - Not bad. It's good. - Are you sure? 103 00:05:45,983 --> 00:05:48,781 Yeah. Look at his jeans, dude. 104 00:05:48,853 --> 00:05:51,253 There's an unmistakable bulge of a large penis in those jeans. 105 00:05:51,322 --> 00:05:53,756 - There's a dick in those pants. - There's a dick in those pants. 106 00:05:53,824 --> 00:05:55,758 - Yeah. - I'll be right back. 107 00:05:55,826 --> 00:05:58,294 Excuse me, bro. Can you give me a second? 108 00:05:58,362 --> 00:06:01,297 - Thanks. Is that a penis in your pants? - Yeah. 109 00:06:01,365 --> 00:06:03,390 - You lied to me. - No, I didn't. 110 00:06:03,467 --> 00:06:05,435 You lied to me. You don't work out? 111 00:06:05,503 --> 00:06:07,547 Please. I've seen you at the gym. You're ripped. 112 00:06:07,605 --> 00:06:09,664 No. Don't turn this around. Wait. 113 00:06:09,740 --> 00:06:12,174 Really? You think so? 114 00:06:12,243 --> 00:06:15,007 - Yeah. - I was afraid I was getting a little too ripped, you know? 115 00:06:15,079 --> 00:06:17,411 No. I like it. 116 00:06:17,481 --> 00:06:19,813 Wow! 117 00:06:21,886 --> 00:06:23,979 Well, I gotta get back to work. 118 00:06:24,055 --> 00:06:26,387 Um, but I don't know. 119 00:06:26,457 --> 00:06:28,391 Maybe I'll give you a call sometime. 120 00:06:28,459 --> 00:06:30,427 - Okay. - Yeah. 121 00:06:30,494 --> 00:06:32,462 Yeah, I'll give you a call. 122 00:06:56,821 --> 00:06:58,755 What do you want, Charlie? 123 00:06:58,823 --> 00:07:00,757 - I like your bracelet. - Great. 124 00:07:00,825 --> 00:07:04,784 That's one of those, Lance Armstrong "Race for the Cure"... 125 00:07:04,862 --> 00:07:06,989 "Live Strong" kind of things. 126 00:07:07,064 --> 00:07:09,794 - Yeah. - Cool. That's very cool. 127 00:07:09,867 --> 00:07:13,064 - You must be a very compassionate person. - I'm not. 128 00:07:13,137 --> 00:07:16,197 Did you want something from me, or... 129 00:07:17,508 --> 00:07:19,635 What time are... are you getting off of work? 130 00:07:19,710 --> 00:07:23,840 It's not a thing to walk away about. Whatever. 131 00:07:26,884 --> 00:07:29,717 Dennis, I don't have time to talk to you about this. 132 00:07:29,787 --> 00:07:31,755 But we found the perfect girl for Charlie. 133 00:07:31,822 --> 00:07:34,757 - That's awesome. - Okay, you know the waitress over at the coffee shop... 134 00:07:34,825 --> 00:07:36,952 - the one that he's been in love with forever? - Yes. 135 00:07:37,027 --> 00:07:40,360 Well, okay. He saw her wearing one of those Lance Armstrong "Race for the Cure"... 136 00:07:40,431 --> 00:07:42,899 "I Love People that are Dying of Cancer" type bracelets. 137 00:07:42,967 --> 00:07:46,403 - That's really cool. - Well, so that bracelet probably means... 138 00:07:46,470 --> 00:07:48,734 that she's compassionate towards sick and dying people. 139 00:07:48,806 --> 00:07:50,740 You know what I mean? That's what that symbolizes. 140 00:07:50,808 --> 00:07:54,005 You know what that symbolizes? Those bracelets symbolize jumping on fashion trends. 141 00:07:54,078 --> 00:07:56,239 And you know what the thing that's so rad is? 142 00:07:56,313 --> 00:08:00,682 They come in all kinds of colors now, so you can accessorize your compassion with your outfits. 143 00:08:00,751 --> 00:08:02,651 - Really cool. - All right. All right. 144 00:08:02,720 --> 00:08:05,553 Well, be that as it may, we still need you to talk to her... 145 00:08:05,623 --> 00:08:08,854 because the whole thing is gonna sound so much better coming from a girl. 146 00:08:08,926 --> 00:08:10,985 First of all, I don't have time since, apparently... 147 00:08:11,061 --> 00:08:13,256 I'm the only one who does anything around here anymore. 148 00:08:13,330 --> 00:08:17,664 - And second of all, it's gross! - I'm sure that there's something Mac and I can do for you... 149 00:08:17,735 --> 00:08:19,703 that will convince you to help us. 150 00:08:22,273 --> 00:08:25,538 Sweet Dee is in. 151 00:08:25,609 --> 00:08:27,577 Sweet Dee's in what? 152 00:08:32,850 --> 00:08:37,350 She is in... way over her head. 153 00:08:38,122 --> 00:08:41,922 - In what? - Debt. 154 00:08:41,992 --> 00:08:44,927 I know that game. 155 00:08:53,537 --> 00:08:55,732 I'm gonna get a beer. You want one? Great. 156 00:08:55,806 --> 00:08:59,401 Yeah. 157 00:09:02,313 --> 00:09:04,247 - Nice cover, dick. - Thanks. 158 00:09:04,315 --> 00:09:06,977 - So Sweet Dee's in? - Yeah. Under one condition. 159 00:09:07,051 --> 00:09:10,145 - What? - She gets to punch you in the face. 160 00:09:10,221 --> 00:09:12,655 - What? - Right in the face. 161 00:09:12,723 --> 00:09:14,748 - Why? - The Christmas party. 162 00:09:14,825 --> 00:09:16,759 How about that game against Dallas... 163 00:09:16,827 --> 00:09:19,175 when Santa came out at halftime and we threw batteries? 164 00:09:20,130 --> 00:09:22,130 She grabbed me from behind. It was instinctual. 165 00:09:22,166 --> 00:09:24,100 I know that, man. You don't grab. 166 00:09:24,168 --> 00:09:26,227 - You don't grab from behind. - Not from behind. 167 00:09:26,303 --> 00:09:29,136 That sucks because if Sweet Dee's out, we need to find another girl quickly. 168 00:09:29,206 --> 00:09:32,642 Well... We, you know... 169 00:09:32,710 --> 00:09:36,806 We kind of need her. We kind of need Sweet Dee. 170 00:09:36,881 --> 00:09:41,079 You're sayin'... Are you talking about letting Sweet Dee punch me in my face? 171 00:09:41,151 --> 00:09:43,142 Charlie has cancer. 172 00:09:50,394 --> 00:09:52,726 "So you're new here, yeah? Who are you?" 173 00:09:52,796 --> 00:09:55,959 Who am I? 174 00:09:56,033 --> 00:09:59,400 I'm just a small-town girl... 175 00:09:59,470 --> 00:10:02,598 who moved to the big city with big dreams... 176 00:10:02,673 --> 00:10:04,903 just to find out... 177 00:10:04,975 --> 00:10:08,206 the only way to make it in the big city... 178 00:10:08,279 --> 00:10:10,747 is to shake it. 179 00:10:10,814 --> 00:10:13,112 And that's what I do... 180 00:10:13,183 --> 00:10:16,550 at the Coyote Ugly. 181 00:10:16,620 --> 00:10:18,554 End scene. 182 00:10:18,622 --> 00:10:20,590 Wow. 183 00:10:20,658 --> 00:10:23,252 Artemis, that was amazing. 184 00:10:23,327 --> 00:10:25,625 Wow! That really means a lot. 185 00:10:26,797 --> 00:10:29,322 But you won't be seeing me in class anymore. 186 00:10:29,400 --> 00:10:32,130 I lost my job at the Wawa. 187 00:10:32,202 --> 00:10:34,295 I'm sorry. Are you doing another scene? L... I... 188 00:10:34,371 --> 00:10:37,101 I won't be able to pay my bills! 189 00:10:37,174 --> 00:10:40,234 I'm thinkin' about goin' on welfare! 190 00:10:40,311 --> 00:10:43,769 What am I gonna do? 191 00:10:43,847 --> 00:10:47,647 - My God! - Okay. 192 00:10:55,392 --> 00:10:57,292 - Hello? - Hey, Dennis. It's Dee. 193 00:10:57,361 --> 00:10:59,989 I was... What are you listening to? 194 00:11:00,064 --> 00:11:02,191 Rick Astley. What's up? 195 00:11:02,266 --> 00:11:05,064 Nothing. Only I just solved all of our problems. 196 00:11:05,135 --> 00:11:08,400 - Really? - Except for Charlie and the whole cancer thing. 197 00:11:08,472 --> 00:11:11,100 But I did figure out how to get help at the bar. 198 00:11:11,175 --> 00:11:13,700 - Sweet Dee, we talked about this. - No, no. Just listen. 199 00:11:13,777 --> 00:11:16,371 I was thinking we could do that whole Coyote Ugly theme. 200 00:11:16,447 --> 00:11:18,745 You know, where the girls dance on top of the bars... 201 00:11:18,816 --> 00:11:21,046 - take their bras off and stuff. - I'm listening. 202 00:11:21,118 --> 00:11:24,485 Okay, well, I have a friend who would be absolutely perfect for it. 203 00:11:24,555 --> 00:11:26,903 She'd work for tips only. And she would even come in... 204 00:11:26,957 --> 00:11:29,436 and interview with you, so you could see if you liked her. 205 00:11:29,493 --> 00:11:32,690 Would she wear the, hot pants, tank top, wanna-hump-hump pumps? 206 00:11:32,763 --> 00:11:34,697 - Yeah. - Do it. 207 00:11:34,765 --> 00:11:36,699 Okay. Only under one condition. 208 00:11:36,767 --> 00:11:39,702 I don't wanna help you get that waitress to sleep with Charlie. 209 00:11:39,770 --> 00:11:41,738 Come on, Sis. We need you. 210 00:11:41,805 --> 00:11:45,798 Okay, you know what? You gotta choose. Charlie's waitress or a hot new bartender? 211 00:11:48,545 --> 00:11:50,445 - Sweet Dee's out. - What? 212 00:11:50,514 --> 00:11:53,312 Yeah. She's too busy training this new bartender. 213 00:11:53,384 --> 00:11:56,547 Apparently, she's got this hot new friend who sh-she... 214 00:11:57,588 --> 00:12:00,079 - Hey. - Hey. 215 00:12:00,157 --> 00:12:02,125 - Hi. - Carmen. 216 00:12:02,192 --> 00:12:05,525 - Dennis. - That's a three-pointer. 217 00:12:06,630 --> 00:12:09,690 What are you guys... What are you doin'? 218 00:12:10,734 --> 00:12:12,998 Just watchin' a basketball game. 219 00:12:16,774 --> 00:12:18,799 I was just leaving actually. 220 00:12:18,876 --> 00:12:21,674 No, no, no. You know what? I was gonna leave. 221 00:12:21,745 --> 00:12:23,679 I mean, you... you... you could... 222 00:12:23,747 --> 00:12:27,080 No, it's okay. I've got a hair appointment in, like, 20 minutes. 223 00:12:27,151 --> 00:12:30,609 - It was nice to see you. - It was good to see you. 224 00:12:30,688 --> 00:12:33,555 So I'll see you tonight? 225 00:12:33,624 --> 00:12:35,592 - I'll pick you up at 8:00? - Cool. 226 00:12:37,761 --> 00:12:41,128 Okay. 227 00:12:46,336 --> 00:12:49,965 - She's gettin' it removed. - So what? 228 00:12:51,108 --> 00:12:53,042 I'm just puttin' in my time, you know? 229 00:12:53,110 --> 00:12:55,203 - So that afterwards I'll be... - Gross, dude. 230 00:12:55,279 --> 00:12:58,077 First. 231 00:12:58,148 --> 00:13:00,116 Gross. 232 00:13:14,764 --> 00:13:17,733 - This is just pathetic. - Yeah. 233 00:13:17,800 --> 00:13:21,964 - All right. Let's roll. - W-Wait. Well... Well, what's the plan? 234 00:13:22,038 --> 00:13:24,598 The plan is that you're gonna distract Charlie, okay? 235 00:13:24,674 --> 00:13:28,440 I'm gonna march up to that waitress, tell her that he has cancer. All right? 236 00:13:28,511 --> 00:13:31,425 She's gonna feel sorry for him, and then she's gonna sleep with him. 237 00:13:31,481 --> 00:13:33,915 That's not gonna work. You can't just do that. 238 00:13:33,983 --> 00:13:35,974 Well, what do you wanna do? 239 00:13:39,722 --> 00:13:42,885 - Hey, Dennis. - Charlie has cancer. 240 00:13:42,959 --> 00:13:45,484 Really? 241 00:13:45,561 --> 00:13:48,792 - Yeah. - That's so sad. 242 00:13:48,865 --> 00:13:50,833 Yeah. 243 00:13:51,935 --> 00:13:54,495 Are you okay? 244 00:13:54,570 --> 00:13:57,767 - Yeah. I'm... I'm all right. - Yeah? 245 00:14:11,635 --> 00:14:15,628 - You did what? - I slept with her. 246 00:14:15,706 --> 00:14:17,640 Charlie's been in love with that girl for months. 247 00:14:17,708 --> 00:14:20,336 I know, man. I don't know what happened. I mentioned the cancer thing. 248 00:14:20,411 --> 00:14:22,675 - She instantly started comin' on to me. - Really? 249 00:14:22,746 --> 00:14:24,941 Yeah. You were right about that. 250 00:14:25,015 --> 00:14:27,882 Cancer... gold mine. 251 00:14:27,951 --> 00:14:31,387 - What... What are we gonna do? - Don't worry. I got a plan. 252 00:14:31,455 --> 00:14:33,514 Bam. 253 00:14:34,591 --> 00:14:37,151 Bam? What's that? 254 00:14:39,229 --> 00:14:42,027 - Why? - Well, Dennis was thinking that that might help... 255 00:14:42,099 --> 00:14:44,659 convince you to sleep with our friend Charlie. 256 00:14:45,736 --> 00:14:48,296 Gross. 257 00:14:48,372 --> 00:14:51,170 Deal. 258 00:14:56,613 --> 00:14:58,547 Hey, Carmen! 259 00:14:58,615 --> 00:15:00,583 Hey, yo, Carmen! 260 00:15:02,086 --> 00:15:04,816 - Hey. - Charlie has cancer. 261 00:15:04,888 --> 00:15:06,856 My God! 262 00:15:06,924 --> 00:15:09,984 You poor baby. I'll be right down. 263 00:15:58,175 --> 00:16:01,076 Hey, Dennis! Could you help me with this keg, please? 264 00:16:01,145 --> 00:16:03,841 I slept a little funny on my neck. 265 00:16:03,914 --> 00:16:07,680 Hey, is your friend gonna be doin' stuff like this? 266 00:16:07,751 --> 00:16:09,651 - Um... - Hello. 267 00:16:11,455 --> 00:16:14,913 - Can I help you? - I'm Artemis. 268 00:16:14,992 --> 00:16:18,519 - Okay. - I'm here for the audition. 269 00:16:25,002 --> 00:16:27,800 I'm just a small-town girl... 270 00:16:27,871 --> 00:16:30,931 who moved to the big city with big dreams... 271 00:16:31,008 --> 00:16:33,499 just to find out... 272 00:16:33,577 --> 00:16:36,102 the only way to make it in the big city... 273 00:16:36,180 --> 00:16:39,047 is to shake it. 274 00:16:40,250 --> 00:16:42,241 That's what I do. 275 00:16:42,319 --> 00:16:45,914 Shake it. Shake it. 276 00:16:45,989 --> 00:16:48,219 You wanna see me shake it? 277 00:16:48,292 --> 00:16:50,692 Of course you do. 278 00:16:50,761 --> 00:16:53,229 They all do. 279 00:16:53,297 --> 00:16:55,959 I shake it. 280 00:16:56,033 --> 00:16:58,661 Shake it. I shake it. 281 00:16:58,735 --> 00:17:02,432 I shake it. I shake it. I sha... 282 00:17:05,409 --> 00:17:08,323 You cannot possibly have thought that this was gonna be a good idea. 283 00:17:08,345 --> 00:17:12,008 You know what? This is so you. I tell you I need some help behind the bar. 284 00:17:12,082 --> 00:17:14,710 I finally find someone who's perfect, and she'll practically work for free. 285 00:17:14,785 --> 00:17:17,652 And just 'cause she doesn't have the right measurements or whatever, you freak out. 286 00:17:17,721 --> 00:17:20,349 You just want somebody to do all the grunt work for you. 287 00:17:20,424 --> 00:17:22,415 - Shh! She's gonna hear you. - I don't care! 288 00:17:22,493 --> 00:17:24,461 Hey! 289 00:17:24,528 --> 00:17:27,395 What's goin' on? Gotta pee. 290 00:17:34,171 --> 00:17:36,105 - Hey, buddy? - Dennis! 291 00:17:36,173 --> 00:17:39,609 - What's goin' on, man? You seem really happy. - I feel pretty happy. 292 00:17:39,676 --> 00:17:41,701 - Do you? What happened? - I think you know what happened. 293 00:17:41,778 --> 00:17:43,268 I might. 294 00:17:43,347 --> 00:17:46,282 - Yeah. I think you do know. You talked to that waitress, right? - Yeah. 295 00:17:46,350 --> 00:17:50,116 It totally worked. It totally... I don't know what you said, but we went out on this date. 296 00:17:50,187 --> 00:17:52,451 - She really likes me. So thank you, man. - You're welcome, man! 297 00:17:52,523 --> 00:17:54,923 - Yeah, you seem flush. You seem like a... - I feel like a... 298 00:17:54,992 --> 00:17:57,790 I feel like an ice cream sundae, you know? 299 00:17:57,861 --> 00:18:01,126 That's great, man. That is terrific. It must really take your mind off things then? 300 00:18:01,198 --> 00:18:03,632 Sure, yeah. What things? 301 00:18:03,700 --> 00:18:06,669 Well, you know, the... cancer. 302 00:18:16,213 --> 00:18:19,705 Here's the thing though... about cancer. 303 00:18:19,783 --> 00:18:21,774 I don't have it. 304 00:18:25,622 --> 00:18:27,556 What? 305 00:18:27,624 --> 00:18:30,525 Mom, I'm telling you, this girl's amazing. 306 00:18:30,594 --> 00:18:33,654 Yeah, I got butterflies in my stomach. 307 00:18:33,730 --> 00:18:36,198 There's one little issue. Yeah. 308 00:18:36,266 --> 00:18:39,724 My God! I think you broke my nose! 309 00:18:39,803 --> 00:18:42,601 - That guy's beatin' on that chick! - My God! 310 00:18:42,673 --> 00:18:46,040 No. You know what? It's a dude. Yeah, she has a penis. So it's okay. 311 00:18:46,109 --> 00:18:49,510 - Dude, isn't that a hate crime? - Shit, yeah, it's a hate crime! 312 00:18:53,116 --> 00:18:55,880 - How could you do this? - Well, excuse me for bein'... 313 00:18:55,953 --> 00:18:58,012 - the most terrible man on the planet! - L... I'm sorry. 314 00:18:58,088 --> 00:19:00,784 - I'm a terrible man! - What are you doing? What is that? 315 00:19:00,857 --> 00:19:03,451 - We thought you were dying, Charlie. - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. 316 00:19:03,527 --> 00:19:05,427 - Who's we? - Me and Mac and Sweet Dee. 317 00:19:05,495 --> 00:19:07,622 Great! Great. I told you not to tell anyone! 318 00:19:07,698 --> 00:19:11,190 Now I'm gonna have to go into remission or something so they don't think I was lying. 319 00:19:11,268 --> 00:19:13,862 - You were lying! - Yeah. I lied to you, all right? 320 00:19:13,937 --> 00:19:16,303 Look. The girl... she wears a Lance Armstrong bracelet. 321 00:19:16,373 --> 00:19:19,069 Okay? So I tell you that I have cancer, right? 322 00:19:19,142 --> 00:19:21,872 Then you're gonna tell her. She's gonna feel sorry for me. 323 00:19:21,945 --> 00:19:24,607 We're gonna start dating. And that's the way that life works, man! 324 00:19:24,681 --> 00:19:27,741 - That was a horrible thing to do! - Well, I'm a bad guy then. 325 00:19:27,818 --> 00:19:30,514 - You are a bad guy! You lied to us. - All right, look at this. 326 00:19:30,520 --> 00:19:32,868 Sometimes you gotta crack a few eggs to make an omelet. 327 00:19:32,889 --> 00:19:35,881 - You gotta crack a couple eggs to make an omelet? - You gotta crack an egg. 328 00:19:35,959 --> 00:19:38,154 - So you're throwing down life lessons now? - I'm throwin' down eggs! 329 00:19:38,228 --> 00:19:40,253 Class is in session. The teacher's teachin' class now! 330 00:19:40,330 --> 00:19:43,026 - I'm crackin' eggs of wisdom. - Is that what you're doin'? 331 00:19:43,100 --> 00:19:46,661 - Let me crack one more egg for you and throw it in the omelet! - You got an egg? 332 00:19:46,737 --> 00:19:48,796 - The waitress doesn't even like you. - Yeah? 333 00:19:48,872 --> 00:19:53,372 - We had to pay her $250 to have sex with you! - Aha! Because... 334 00:19:55,479 --> 00:19:57,470 Sex? 335 00:19:59,383 --> 00:20:01,317 We didn't have sex. 336 00:20:15,365 --> 00:20:17,560 Hey! Guess what, Dee. You're gonna love this. No, no, no. 337 00:20:17,634 --> 00:20:19,659 Give me a second. Charlie was lying the whole time. 338 00:20:19,736 --> 00:20:21,966 - He doesn't have cancer. - Well, how could you not tell me... 339 00:20:22,039 --> 00:20:24,098 - that you paid her to have sex with me? - What? 340 00:20:29,112 --> 00:20:31,046 I don't understand how you could possibly be so... 341 00:20:31,114 --> 00:20:33,639 You can't lie about having cancer! It's not something you do! 342 00:20:33,717 --> 00:20:35,651 - We thought you were dying! - Guys, guys, guys, listen! 343 00:20:35,719 --> 00:20:38,552 You're never gonna believe what happened! I accidentally punched that tranny in the face. 344 00:20:38,622 --> 00:20:40,927 These two guys started chasing me. Dee, get me a beer. 345 00:20:40,957 --> 00:20:43,790 It was unbelievable. I ran all the way here. Go. 346 00:20:52,803 --> 00:20:54,737 - Hey. - Hey. 347 00:20:54,805 --> 00:20:57,865 Hey, what the hell do you guys want? 348 00:20:57,941 --> 00:21:01,433 - Well, it's funny. It's a... It's a funny, funny thing. - It's funny. 349 00:21:01,511 --> 00:21:04,275 We paid you $250 to sleep with Charlie and... 350 00:21:04,347 --> 00:21:06,281 And you never actually had sex with him. 351 00:21:06,349 --> 00:21:08,817 So we were wondering if we could get the 250 bucks back. 352 00:21:08,885 --> 00:21:11,376 If you could toss that back our way, that'd be great. 353 00:21:21,832 --> 00:21:23,823 - Is it... Is it locked? - Yeah. 354 00:21:25,602 --> 00:21:27,968 She's probably gettin' the money though, right? 355 00:21:33,677 --> 00:21:36,339 Dennis!