1 00:00:02,434 --> 00:00:04,812 In Touch? Why would you read that crap? 2 00:00:04,895 --> 00:00:07,564 We are trying to stay "in touch" with what's happening in the world. 3 00:00:07,648 --> 00:00:09,691 Yeah, I'm sorry if we like to keep ourselves informed. 4 00:00:09,775 --> 00:00:11,610 You want to be informed? Read a newspaper. 5 00:00:11,693 --> 00:00:14,488 Dude! Nobody gets their news from a newspaper anymore. 6 00:00:14,571 --> 00:00:16,323 Ah, no, no, no. But, Dennis, look. 7 00:00:16,406 --> 00:00:18,325 "Plutonium smuggled into Syria." 8 00:00:18,408 --> 00:00:20,410 That's gonna change my life drastically. 9 00:00:20,494 --> 00:00:21,578 That's gonna change everyone's lives! 10 00:00:21,662 --> 00:00:22,955 No one can go to Syria anymore for vacation! 11 00:00:23,038 --> 00:00:24,039 Oh, boo. 12 00:00:24,123 --> 00:00:27,501 Don't you guys get tired of doing nothin' except sitting around drinking? 13 00:00:27,584 --> 00:00:28,877 - What does that mean? - How could you get tired of that? 14 00:00:28,961 --> 00:00:30,045 - Is that a joke? - I don't understand. 15 00:00:30,129 --> 00:00:32,089 Hey-oh! What's up, bitches? What is up? 16 00:00:32,172 --> 00:00:34,675 Turn the TV on right now, dude! This is huge! Turn the TV on! 17 00:00:34,758 --> 00:00:36,969 - I'm gonna be on the news! - Oh, my God. 18 00:00:37,094 --> 00:00:38,095 There was an accident today. 19 00:00:38,178 --> 00:00:39,555 Then the news talker asked Mac what happened. 20 00:00:39,638 --> 00:00:40,889 And he totally went off! 21 00:00:40,973 --> 00:00:42,724 I went off for like 20 minutes. It was amazing. 22 00:00:42,808 --> 00:00:44,226 - I totally popped. - Oh, you popped. 23 00:00:44,309 --> 00:00:45,436 - You're gonna be famous. - Here it is! 24 00:00:45,519 --> 00:00:46,687 Shut up! Shut up! 25 00:00:46,770 --> 00:00:48,856 This is Ken Jacobs coming to you from market street, 26 00:00:48,939 --> 00:00:51,066 where two buses collided just minutes ago. 27 00:00:51,150 --> 00:00:53,735 We talked to one local resident who had this to say. 28 00:00:53,819 --> 00:00:55,070 It was absolutely crazy. 29 00:00:55,154 --> 00:00:58,198 Police are currently investigating the cause of the accident. 30 00:00:58,282 --> 00:00:59,867 Back to you, Jim. 31 00:01:00,784 --> 00:01:01,952 What the hell was that? 32 00:01:02,035 --> 00:01:03,745 - Yeah, you really popped. - I think you're gonna be a star. 33 00:01:03,829 --> 00:01:04,830 - You're gonna be a big star. - No, no, no. 34 00:01:04,913 --> 00:01:05,914 - Be in a magazine. - No, guys. 35 00:01:05,998 --> 00:01:08,250 I talked for, like, 20 minutes about how the traffic system sucks. 36 00:01:08,333 --> 00:01:09,626 - And the lights… - And that we should only 37 00:01:09,710 --> 00:01:10,836 have yellow lights, because then we can 38 00:01:10,919 --> 00:01:12,629 be very cautious but not get stuck in traffic. 39 00:01:12,713 --> 00:01:13,714 - It was great. - Yeah. 40 00:01:13,797 --> 00:01:15,215 That sounds incredibly dangerous and stupid. 41 00:01:15,299 --> 00:01:17,551 No look, the point is that that newscaster… 42 00:01:17,634 --> 00:01:18,969 That bastard newscaster… 43 00:01:19,052 --> 00:01:20,888 - Just went in there and cut it all up… - Cut you all up, dude! 44 00:01:20,971 --> 00:01:24,016 Just to make his corporate bosses happy, which is bullshit. 45 00:01:24,099 --> 00:01:26,810 - Nobody's getting the real news anymore! - That's not real news. 46 00:01:26,894 --> 00:01:30,022 Remember when we made the news show for eighth grade? For social studies? 47 00:01:30,105 --> 00:01:32,524 - Now, see, that was real news. - We didn't distort facts! 48 00:01:32,608 --> 00:01:34,777 - We told it like it was. - Yes! 49 00:01:34,860 --> 00:01:37,237 Yeah, I remember that video. You guys were burning G.I. Joes 50 00:01:37,321 --> 00:01:38,822 and throwing rocks at cats. 51 00:01:39,072 --> 00:01:40,115 That was what was happening! 52 00:01:40,199 --> 00:01:41,408 That's what was going on in the world, man. 53 00:01:41,492 --> 00:01:42,493 That was the truth. 54 00:01:42,576 --> 00:01:43,952 We'd been throwing rocks at cats for years. 55 00:01:44,036 --> 00:01:46,830 We had been! And that's what we were reporting on. 56 00:01:46,914 --> 00:01:47,915 What was happening in the world! 57 00:01:48,040 --> 00:01:49,082 We can make better news. 58 00:01:49,208 --> 00:01:50,959 - We could, Charlie. - You want me to grab my camera? 59 00:01:51,043 --> 00:01:54,087 - Yes. Just like the old days. - Let's go out there. Let's make some news. 60 00:01:54,171 --> 00:01:57,758 I want in on this action, because I am bored to death sitting here. 61 00:01:57,925 --> 00:02:00,928 No, that's a bad idea. Usually when you get involved, somebody gets hurt. 62 00:02:01,011 --> 00:02:02,429 That's ridiculous. 63 00:02:02,513 --> 00:02:04,515 I'm just palling around with the guys. 64 00:02:04,640 --> 00:02:06,266 How's anybody gonna get hurt? 65 00:02:40,801 --> 00:02:41,885 How much more tape… 66 00:02:41,969 --> 00:02:43,762 - I just don't want it to jiggle around. - It's not gonna jiggle. 67 00:02:43,846 --> 00:02:46,140 I don't want to put any more tape on it. I'm the one who's carrying it. 68 00:02:46,265 --> 00:02:47,641 What are you guys doing? 69 00:02:47,724 --> 00:02:49,309 All right, I've put a light on the front of the camera. See. 70 00:02:49,393 --> 00:02:51,895 What this does is it makes the news talker look brighter. 71 00:02:51,979 --> 00:02:53,147 It always looked fine when we did it. 72 00:02:53,230 --> 00:02:55,357 Yeah, I know, but Frank's got a really good idea here. 73 00:02:55,441 --> 00:02:58,402 We're gonna put this stuff on public access TV. 74 00:02:58,527 --> 00:03:00,446 - Anybody can get on that! - Yeah. 75 00:03:00,529 --> 00:03:02,114 What? Nobody watches that shit! 76 00:03:02,197 --> 00:03:04,992 Dude, there's all sorts of great stuff on public access. 77 00:03:05,075 --> 00:03:09,329 Oh, is there? Well, let's see what kind of quality programing we have here. 78 00:03:17,129 --> 00:03:20,132 - What is this? - This is public access. 79 00:03:20,716 --> 00:03:23,051 - God, that is so strange. - Ew. 80 00:03:24,428 --> 00:03:25,679 Should I turn it off? 81 00:03:25,763 --> 00:03:28,223 - No! Well, don't jump to… - We'll just keep it on for a little bit. 82 00:03:28,307 --> 00:03:30,726 Let's watch it for a little while. Let's find out what… 83 00:03:34,772 --> 00:03:36,231 Do it. 84 00:03:36,315 --> 00:03:38,901 - Yeah. Get after it, huh? - Yeah, yeah. 85 00:03:40,861 --> 00:03:43,280 All right, let's turn it off! Turn it off! Shut it off! 86 00:03:43,363 --> 00:03:46,241 Okay. We're gonna go down to the power plant 87 00:03:46,325 --> 00:03:49,203 and talk about how it's giving the whole city cancer. 88 00:03:49,870 --> 00:03:53,123 - Holy shit, dude! I didn't know that! - He's making it up, Charlie. 89 00:03:53,207 --> 00:03:54,750 - Why would you do that? - That's a great story! 90 00:03:54,833 --> 00:03:56,710 - It scares the shit out of everybody. - Scared the shit out of me! 91 00:03:56,794 --> 00:03:58,128 Yeah. Everybody will be terrified. 92 00:03:58,212 --> 00:04:00,339 But we don't want to just scare the shit out of people, Frank. 93 00:04:00,422 --> 00:04:02,633 We want to blow the lid off of real scandals. 94 00:04:02,716 --> 00:04:04,718 - Expose real crime and corruption. - What? 95 00:04:04,802 --> 00:04:08,263 People don't care about that shit, okay. They want glitz and glamour, celebrities. 96 00:04:08,347 --> 00:04:10,182 They want to read about shit that's gonna help them forget 97 00:04:10,265 --> 00:04:11,558 how miserable their lives are. 98 00:04:11,642 --> 00:04:13,435 Yeah and pretend like they know what it's like to be famous 99 00:04:13,519 --> 00:04:14,895 'cause, really, that's what everybody wants. 100 00:04:14,978 --> 00:04:17,314 Of course everybody wants to be famous, 'cause celebrities get everything. 101 00:04:17,397 --> 00:04:18,941 I mean, it's the easiest job in the world. 102 00:04:19,024 --> 00:04:20,943 You don't even have to do anything anymore to be famous. 103 00:04:21,026 --> 00:04:23,612 No. Look at Paris Hilton. She's just a dirty, drunken whore. 104 00:04:23,695 --> 00:04:25,322 You could be famous for being a dirty, drunk whore. 105 00:04:25,405 --> 00:04:26,573 You're a dirty, drunk whore already. 106 00:04:26,698 --> 00:04:30,619 I'm not. But I could be famous if I just got drunk, went out to a club, 107 00:04:30,702 --> 00:04:33,122 let people shoot some video with their fancy camera phones. 108 00:04:33,205 --> 00:04:35,249 Right. Get a couple of up skirts, a couple nip slips. 109 00:04:35,332 --> 00:04:36,708 Boom. You'd be famous like that. 110 00:04:36,834 --> 00:04:38,836 I think I'd like to avoid the nip slips and up skirts 111 00:04:38,919 --> 00:04:40,295 but I think I see where you're going with this. 112 00:04:40,379 --> 00:04:42,506 I'll talk you into it at some point. And I could be famous 113 00:04:42,589 --> 00:04:43,757 just by being friends with you. 114 00:04:43,841 --> 00:04:45,884 - Absolutely. - Great. Good luck with that. 115 00:04:45,968 --> 00:04:48,679 Frank, Charlie and I are gonna go to where the real action is. 116 00:04:48,887 --> 00:04:50,013 Boom! 117 00:04:51,598 --> 00:04:53,392 Why'd you drag us to a place like this? 118 00:04:53,475 --> 00:04:55,561 It smells like the bottom of a birdcage. 119 00:04:55,686 --> 00:04:58,230 Lots of shady shit goes down in nursing homes, Frank, okay? 120 00:04:58,313 --> 00:04:59,773 These places are like prisons. 121 00:04:59,857 --> 00:05:01,400 Like people getting ass-raped? 122 00:05:01,483 --> 00:05:05,112 - What? Oh, my God, dude. - No, not like people getting ass-raped. 123 00:05:05,195 --> 00:05:07,281 People don't want to be here because they feel like… 124 00:05:07,364 --> 00:05:08,365 Because they're getting ass-raped. 125 00:05:08,449 --> 00:05:09,867 Nobody's getting ass-raped, Frank! 126 00:05:09,950 --> 00:05:11,743 - God, man. - Stop saying "ass-raped." 127 00:05:11,827 --> 00:05:13,120 All right. We're locked and loaded here, man. 128 00:05:13,245 --> 00:05:14,246 I'm ready to shoot this thing. 129 00:05:14,329 --> 00:05:16,415 - Let's talk to this woman. - Yeah, let's go. Come on. Let's move. 130 00:05:16,498 --> 00:05:19,251 Okay, here we go. I'm gonna do, like, a catchphrase thing, okay. 131 00:05:19,334 --> 00:05:22,588 - Ready? In, three, two, one. - Here we go. 132 00:05:23,005 --> 00:05:24,506 Good afternoon, Philadelphia. 133 00:05:24,590 --> 00:05:26,967 This is Mac coming to you live from the Malvin retirement home. 134 00:05:27,050 --> 00:05:29,887 - Go, go, go, go. - Hello, miss. What's your name? 135 00:05:30,220 --> 00:05:31,972 Irvene Simon. 136 00:05:32,055 --> 00:05:35,517 Hello, Irvene. Why don't you tell us what's really going on here? 137 00:05:35,601 --> 00:05:36,935 Cool face. Hold it. Hold it. 138 00:05:37,019 --> 00:05:40,147 Well, I get up around 5:00. 139 00:05:40,230 --> 00:05:43,984 5:30, if it's bingo the night before. 140 00:05:44,067 --> 00:05:47,404 Then I eat breakfast. I like to have fruit. 141 00:05:47,488 --> 00:05:49,907 - She steals the grapes! - I do not! 142 00:05:49,990 --> 00:05:51,408 - Check her purse! - Don't interrupt. 143 00:05:51,492 --> 00:05:53,118 Okay, I think we've covered breakfast. Let's move past it. 144 00:05:53,243 --> 00:05:55,746 - Good save. - Then after breakfast, 145 00:05:55,829 --> 00:05:58,874 I like to sit and read recipes. 146 00:05:58,957 --> 00:06:01,794 I don't even know how to cook. 147 00:06:01,919 --> 00:06:05,380 Is there anything that you want to tell the world, Irvene? 148 00:06:05,464 --> 00:06:08,175 My grandson's birthday's on Friday. 149 00:06:08,258 --> 00:06:11,887 No, no. Is there anything about this place that you don't like? 150 00:06:13,388 --> 00:06:15,057 - The blacks. - Cut! 151 00:06:15,140 --> 00:06:16,391 - Cut! - Cut that! 152 00:06:16,475 --> 00:06:18,852 What are you cutting for? That was just starting to get good. 153 00:06:18,936 --> 00:06:21,814 It was not good, okay? It was the ramblings of a crazy, old racist. 154 00:06:21,897 --> 00:06:23,148 Is it hot in here? 155 00:06:23,273 --> 00:06:24,274 I meant to bring this up. 156 00:06:24,358 --> 00:06:26,110 How are you sweating so much? It's freezing! 157 00:06:26,193 --> 00:06:28,362 - It's freezing! - Yeah. They try to keep them alive. 158 00:06:28,821 --> 00:06:31,573 - Because meat spoils slower in a fridge. - So they keep it cold. 159 00:06:31,657 --> 00:06:33,367 - That interview was terrible. - It was terrible. 160 00:06:33,492 --> 00:06:35,702 - We need a more exciting truth. - We do. Yeah. 161 00:06:35,828 --> 00:06:37,913 - Let's set this place on fire. - Now you're talking. 162 00:06:37,996 --> 00:06:39,206 Let's burn it to the ground! 163 00:06:39,331 --> 00:06:41,041 We're not setting a nursing home on fire! 164 00:06:41,125 --> 00:06:42,501 Those curtains would go up like a snap. 165 00:06:42,626 --> 00:06:45,045 No, we need to find a more exciting part of the city. 166 00:06:45,129 --> 00:06:46,130 Oh, wait a second. 167 00:06:46,797 --> 00:06:48,424 I know just the place. 168 00:06:49,716 --> 00:06:52,177 The shit's always going down in Chinatown, boys! 169 00:06:52,511 --> 00:06:54,388 Okay, okay. Quick conference, guys. 170 00:06:54,471 --> 00:06:56,807 Everyone keep their eyes peeled for drifting. All right? 171 00:06:56,890 --> 00:06:58,976 People here, they love to… Look. Look at this guy. 172 00:06:59,059 --> 00:07:00,561 He's definitely a drifter, all right. 173 00:07:00,644 --> 00:07:03,522 He's going to his car and he's gonna slide it sideways. 174 00:07:03,605 --> 00:07:05,566 Oh, my God. And you know what happens with Tokyo drifting? 175 00:07:05,649 --> 00:07:06,817 It leads to bickering. 176 00:07:06,900 --> 00:07:08,735 - They always bicker. - Which, of course, leads to karate. 177 00:07:08,819 --> 00:07:10,070 Right. Which eventually will lead to 178 00:07:10,154 --> 00:07:12,614 dudes flying from window to window and treetop to treetop. 179 00:07:12,698 --> 00:07:13,907 Shooting lightning bolts 180 00:07:13,991 --> 00:07:14,992 - out of their fingers. - Yeah! 181 00:07:15,075 --> 00:07:17,411 There's the guy that shoots the lightning bolts out of his hands! 182 00:07:17,536 --> 00:07:20,205 He wears the big, straw hat. And he does that. 183 00:07:20,330 --> 00:07:22,166 - We're on the same page. - His eyes go all white and shit. 184 00:07:22,249 --> 00:07:23,709 - Let's do it. - And Kurt Russell fights him. 185 00:07:25,711 --> 00:07:27,963 Oh, my God, dude. The smell is overwhelming. 186 00:07:28,046 --> 00:07:29,840 What the hell are these guys doing? 187 00:07:29,923 --> 00:07:32,551 They're just trading fish for other fish is what it looks like. 188 00:07:32,634 --> 00:07:35,679 They're not even bickering. This isn't gonna lead to karate. 189 00:07:35,763 --> 00:07:38,724 I think what we gotta do is find one sick guy 190 00:07:38,807 --> 00:07:40,934 and do a story about a new pandemic. 191 00:07:41,018 --> 00:07:43,479 No one cares about those kinda things, Frank. 192 00:07:43,562 --> 00:07:44,646 This guy looks sick. 193 00:07:44,730 --> 00:07:47,316 That's the same fish they just passed to each other. 194 00:07:47,399 --> 00:07:48,776 Like bird flu, fish flu. 195 00:07:48,901 --> 00:07:50,319 We gotta get 'em to fight. 196 00:07:50,402 --> 00:07:52,029 They just passed that same fish head back and forth. 197 00:07:52,112 --> 00:07:54,281 - You think we could get 'em to fight? - Whoa. 198 00:07:54,406 --> 00:07:56,617 Here we go. What's that, huh? 199 00:07:56,867 --> 00:07:59,495 - Oh, that looks exciting. - Ooh. Let's go. 200 00:07:59,578 --> 00:08:01,747 That's a bunch of people. Let's go. Come on. 201 00:08:01,830 --> 00:08:02,831 Charlie, fire up that camera. 202 00:08:02,915 --> 00:08:04,291 I'm doing it. 203 00:08:06,043 --> 00:08:07,294 Can you see sweat? Because I'm sweating a little bit. 204 00:08:07,377 --> 00:08:08,378 So much. 205 00:08:08,462 --> 00:08:11,423 - Yeah? It's a lot? Okay. What if I do… - That's better. Go. 206 00:08:11,507 --> 00:08:14,718 Okay. Good afternoon, Philadelphia. We're here in Chinatown, 207 00:08:14,802 --> 00:08:18,388 where a large crowd has gathered for what can only be a martial arts showdown. 208 00:08:18,472 --> 00:08:19,723 You look scared. 209 00:08:19,807 --> 00:08:21,850 I'm not. I'm sorry. I'm just sweating. It's very hot. 210 00:08:21,934 --> 00:08:23,602 - Martial arts. - Okay. Martial arts expo… 211 00:08:23,685 --> 00:08:25,979 Just go in. Go in. 212 00:08:33,195 --> 00:08:34,947 Goddamn it! Love-30. 213 00:08:35,030 --> 00:08:37,199 Whoa. 214 00:08:39,118 --> 00:08:40,744 - A pandemic. - Bird flu! Bird flu! 215 00:08:40,828 --> 00:08:43,622 - I think he's choking, guys. - What? He is choking! 216 00:08:43,705 --> 00:08:45,165 Frank, give him the Heimlich! 217 00:08:45,249 --> 00:08:46,792 I'm not gonna touch him. I don't know what he's got. 218 00:08:46,875 --> 00:08:48,127 - You know the Heimlich? - I don't know the Heimlich! 219 00:08:48,210 --> 00:08:49,628 Punch him in the stomach or something, dude. 220 00:08:49,711 --> 00:08:52,131 Okay. 221 00:08:52,214 --> 00:08:54,508 - Oh, baby! - I did it? 222 00:08:54,591 --> 00:08:56,635 - You okay? - I did it! 223 00:08:56,718 --> 00:09:00,764 I saved your life! I saved your life, bitch! Whoo! Yeah! 224 00:09:00,848 --> 00:09:04,518 That is exactly the kind of stuff we should be filming. 225 00:09:04,643 --> 00:09:06,270 - I'm a hero! - You got that, right, Charlie? 226 00:09:06,353 --> 00:09:09,064 - Yeah. Yeah. I did and I didn't, Frank. - What? 227 00:09:09,148 --> 00:09:10,149 I did and I didn't. 228 00:09:10,232 --> 00:09:11,650 You were pointing the camera at him, right? 229 00:09:11,733 --> 00:09:13,318 You got it, right? The punch and everything, right? 230 00:09:13,402 --> 00:09:14,403 No, I did… 231 00:09:14,528 --> 00:09:15,737 I did point the camera at it. 232 00:09:15,821 --> 00:09:18,240 But you know what? I did not put a tape in here. 233 00:09:19,324 --> 00:09:21,034 - What? - What are you talking about? 234 00:09:21,160 --> 00:09:23,954 All right. The problem was that I got the flashlight on. 235 00:09:24,037 --> 00:09:25,289 And I taped the whole deal up. 236 00:09:25,372 --> 00:09:27,708 I realized I'd have to cut all the tape off to get the tape in. 237 00:09:27,791 --> 00:09:29,877 And I didn't have much more duct tape. So I figured, 238 00:09:29,960 --> 00:09:33,130 stick with the flashlight while we got it. 239 00:09:33,213 --> 00:09:34,673 So you never put a tape in? 240 00:09:34,756 --> 00:09:36,759 While we were out there taping the guys with the fish! 241 00:09:36,842 --> 00:09:39,887 Oh, my God! See what's happening here? We're getting a yelling… 242 00:09:39,970 --> 00:09:43,640 - Yeah, we're gonna get yelling! - Oh, I'm sorry! I forgot to put a tape in! 243 00:09:43,724 --> 00:09:45,142 I forgot to put a tape in! 244 00:09:45,225 --> 00:09:48,228 All right, all right, all right! All right. 245 00:09:48,353 --> 00:09:52,900 Here's what we do. We re-create your heroic moment. 246 00:09:52,983 --> 00:09:54,693 That's it. We do it again. 247 00:09:55,027 --> 00:09:56,820 - We just re-create it? - Yes! 248 00:09:56,904 --> 00:10:00,407 - This time we put a tape in… - Tape in this time, yes. 249 00:10:00,532 --> 00:10:02,117 Take the light off of it maybe. 250 00:10:02,201 --> 00:10:03,285 Yeah, maybe we don't sweat so much. 251 00:10:03,368 --> 00:10:04,495 Maybe we'll wear more makeup. 252 00:10:04,578 --> 00:10:06,872 Don't blame it on my sweat glands, okay? That's not fair. 253 00:10:06,955 --> 00:10:09,082 - We'll just re-create the whole thing. - All right, let's… 254 00:10:09,166 --> 00:10:11,335 - And you know, you can… - And this time I could… 255 00:10:11,919 --> 00:10:13,337 I could look a little bit more heroic. 256 00:10:13,420 --> 00:10:14,922 You could look a lot more heroic, bro. 257 00:10:15,005 --> 00:10:16,590 We'll put enough makeup on you. 258 00:10:16,673 --> 00:10:20,260 You'll look like the shit. All right. Let's just make some news, please. 259 00:10:20,344 --> 00:10:21,804 All right. 260 00:10:25,933 --> 00:10:31,105 Ooh! I feel like we've been standing in this line forever! 261 00:10:31,188 --> 00:10:32,439 For like our lifetimes! 262 00:10:32,523 --> 00:10:34,691 I don't know if we're ever gonna get inside of this place. 263 00:10:34,775 --> 00:10:36,693 Dee, it's a club. You have to wait in a line. 264 00:10:36,777 --> 00:10:38,153 I gotta be honest with you. 265 00:10:38,237 --> 00:10:40,197 I feel like I'm just a little bit too drunk to stand up. 266 00:10:40,280 --> 00:10:41,365 Yeah. You were supposed to wait 267 00:10:41,448 --> 00:10:43,408 and get drunk inside the club, not outside the club. 268 00:10:43,492 --> 00:10:46,328 Nobody gives a shit about a stupid, drunk whore outside of a club. 269 00:10:46,411 --> 00:10:48,789 That's a lot of talking you're doing. I gotta lay down. 270 00:10:48,914 --> 00:10:52,000 Lie down? What are you talking about? What are you doing? Dee? Oh! 271 00:10:53,502 --> 00:10:56,421 Now you're just some stupid, drunk chick lying in garbage. 272 00:10:56,505 --> 00:10:59,550 - Night-night. - "Night-night?" Night-night. Great. 273 00:10:59,633 --> 00:11:01,051 You want to come in with us? 274 00:11:03,679 --> 00:11:06,306 Uh, yeah. 275 00:11:06,974 --> 00:11:08,892 - Here, take this. - What is this? 276 00:11:09,309 --> 00:11:11,937 You'll see. 277 00:11:29,121 --> 00:11:32,374 Oh! Oh, my God! 278 00:11:34,251 --> 00:11:36,253 Holy shit, it's bright out here! 279 00:11:40,549 --> 00:11:43,135 - Dee, get up. Get up! Come on! - What? 280 00:11:43,719 --> 00:11:44,928 Where am I? 281 00:11:45,012 --> 00:11:47,389 I'm crashing pretty hard. I need to go home and get some sleep. 282 00:11:48,056 --> 00:11:49,600 What happened last night? 283 00:11:49,808 --> 00:11:52,060 Look, don't make me into the bad guy, okay? 284 00:11:52,144 --> 00:11:53,687 I'm going out of my way to make us both famous. 285 00:11:53,771 --> 00:11:55,564 It's not my fault if you're not living up to your end. 286 00:11:55,856 --> 00:12:00,027 Okay. Well, why don't you take my picture now? 287 00:12:00,819 --> 00:12:02,529 Dee, that's not gonna work, okay? 288 00:12:02,613 --> 00:12:04,281 You're not famous yet. You're just some stupid, drunk chick 289 00:12:04,364 --> 00:12:05,699 who slept in her own puke. 290 00:12:05,991 --> 00:12:06,992 - Really? - We'll come back tonight. 291 00:12:07,075 --> 00:12:08,285 Let's go. Come on. Ride's leaving. 292 00:12:09,328 --> 00:12:10,537 Can… 293 00:12:15,167 --> 00:12:18,962 No, come on. I'm not gonna stand in this big line again. 294 00:12:19,046 --> 00:12:20,464 No. Look, we don't have to wait in line. 295 00:12:20,547 --> 00:12:22,424 Famous, drunk whores, they don't wait in line. 296 00:12:22,508 --> 00:12:24,802 They shove their way to the front and they take a shit all over the bouncer. 297 00:12:24,885 --> 00:12:25,886 That's what you're gonna do. 298 00:12:25,969 --> 00:12:27,846 I don't know if I feel comfortable taking a shit on that bouncer. 299 00:12:27,930 --> 00:12:29,890 You just gotta talk down to him a little bit. 300 00:12:29,973 --> 00:12:31,308 All right? Make him feel like he's beneath you. 301 00:12:31,391 --> 00:12:32,976 That way, he'd be too afraid not to let you in. 302 00:12:33,060 --> 00:12:34,061 - Right? - Really? 303 00:12:34,144 --> 00:12:36,814 - The guy doesn't want to lose his job. - I don't know. 304 00:12:36,897 --> 00:12:39,775 Dee, do you want to be famous or not? 305 00:12:39,858 --> 00:12:42,528 - All right? Take a shit on this guy. - Okay. 306 00:12:42,611 --> 00:12:44,655 - Shove your way. Go. Shove, shove. - I can shit on him, I think. 307 00:12:44,738 --> 00:12:48,117 Hey, look out. Jesus, you're in my way! 308 00:12:48,200 --> 00:12:50,869 - Move it! Move it! Hey! - Okay. Good start. 309 00:12:50,953 --> 00:12:52,329 Short stuff, out of my way. 310 00:12:52,412 --> 00:12:53,914 Yeah, you saw me. Hi, there. 311 00:12:54,039 --> 00:12:56,291 - What's your name? - Dee Reynolds. 312 00:12:56,375 --> 00:12:59,211 - You on the list? - List? 313 00:12:59,294 --> 00:13:01,880 I don't need to be on that list, you idiot. 314 00:13:01,964 --> 00:13:05,509 You piece of dirt. Who are you? I step on you. 315 00:13:05,759 --> 00:13:07,845 I clean you off of my shoes at night. 316 00:13:07,928 --> 00:13:09,555 I step on you, and then I throw away the shoe. 317 00:13:09,638 --> 00:13:11,723 And that shoe that I just threw away, 318 00:13:11,807 --> 00:13:13,934 that's worth more than your worthless life, mister. 319 00:13:14,017 --> 00:13:17,604 And I am pissed, because I loved that shoe. You dirt. 320 00:13:17,688 --> 00:13:20,149 You piece of subhuman shit. 321 00:13:20,274 --> 00:13:22,276 Whoa, whoa. Dee, take it easy, all right? 322 00:13:22,359 --> 00:13:25,529 You know what? I'm not gonna take it easy, because this talking dump of a bouncer 323 00:13:25,612 --> 00:13:27,406 is starting to get on my nerves. 324 00:13:27,489 --> 00:13:29,950 I'm gonna have you fired, dick hole. 325 00:13:30,033 --> 00:13:32,536 Do you know who I am? Do you have any idea? 326 00:13:32,619 --> 00:13:34,872 Or is your brain too tiny to have ideas? 327 00:13:34,955 --> 00:13:39,877 Is there any kind of thought roaming around in that thick, shit skull of yours? 328 00:13:40,627 --> 00:13:41,837 You with her? 329 00:13:41,920 --> 00:13:43,547 - No! Nope. - What? 330 00:13:44,173 --> 00:13:46,258 - And what is your name? - Dennis Reynolds. 331 00:13:46,341 --> 00:13:47,676 Dennis Reynolds? 332 00:13:47,760 --> 00:13:50,345 Well, what do you know, Dennis Reynolds? You're on the list. 333 00:13:50,429 --> 00:13:52,431 - No, no… - Oh, wow. That's awesome. 334 00:13:52,514 --> 00:13:55,476 What? But you're not gonna go in without me, right? 335 00:13:57,102 --> 00:13:58,645 Uh… 336 00:14:05,319 --> 00:14:08,655 Dancing guy! Oh, I love your show, man. 337 00:14:09,948 --> 00:14:12,201 Wow, dancing guy! 338 00:14:12,534 --> 00:14:14,328 - Stop pressing so hard. - Dude, I have to press hard. 339 00:14:14,411 --> 00:14:16,663 You get so nervous, you sweat through it every time. 340 00:14:16,747 --> 00:14:18,916 - Just make sure that it's even. - I'm gonna make it even, man! 341 00:14:18,999 --> 00:14:22,377 You need to just start calming down and relaxing a little bit more, man. 342 00:14:22,461 --> 00:14:25,047 I'm very stressed out, Charlie. It's a very stressful situation. 343 00:14:25,130 --> 00:14:26,840 Then relax, dude. Calm yourself a little bit. 344 00:14:26,924 --> 00:14:28,467 - Hey, hey, hey. - I'm sorry. I just… 345 00:14:28,550 --> 00:14:30,969 - No, come on, dude. Shh. - That's not such a… 346 00:14:31,053 --> 00:14:33,055 - Well, it's… - Okay? Come on, dude. 347 00:14:33,138 --> 00:14:36,892 Hey, who's that sexy news guy? It's Mac. 348 00:14:37,017 --> 00:14:38,477 - Yes, it's Mac. - It's Mac. 349 00:14:38,560 --> 00:14:42,314 And he's on the channel whatever we make it on news 350 00:14:43,524 --> 00:14:44,525 Right? 351 00:14:44,650 --> 00:14:46,527 We're gonna make it on the TV 352 00:14:46,693 --> 00:14:47,986 All right, here it is. 353 00:14:48,070 --> 00:14:49,696 - You go into the building. - You go into the building. 354 00:14:49,780 --> 00:14:51,698 You run out. And get the kitties. 355 00:14:51,782 --> 00:14:54,076 - With the little box of cats, right? - A box of cats. 356 00:14:54,159 --> 00:14:56,411 - And you save them. - You save them! 357 00:14:56,495 --> 00:14:58,038 I save them from what? 358 00:15:00,916 --> 00:15:01,917 Uh… 359 00:15:02,417 --> 00:15:04,753 - Are you gonna set the building on fire? - No! 360 00:15:04,837 --> 00:15:06,046 Charlie, are you gonna set the building on fire? 361 00:15:06,130 --> 00:15:07,464 - Yes. - Goddamn it! 362 00:15:07,548 --> 00:15:09,341 You want the show to be a hit or what? 363 00:15:09,425 --> 00:15:11,260 I am not running into a burning building! 364 00:15:11,343 --> 00:15:12,678 It's gotta be exciting! 365 00:15:12,761 --> 00:15:14,763 That's what the news talkers… Come on, dude. 366 00:15:14,847 --> 00:15:18,183 Well, I quit. 'Cause I can't seem to get into any of the clubs. 367 00:15:18,267 --> 00:15:19,935 And if I can't get into any of the clubs, 368 00:15:20,018 --> 00:15:22,271 then how the hell am I supposed to get famous? 369 00:15:24,481 --> 00:15:25,899 Three, two, action. 370 00:15:25,983 --> 00:15:28,569 Good evening, Philadelphia. We've just received word 371 00:15:28,652 --> 00:15:31,280 that a litter of adorable kittens is stranded somewhere inside this building. 372 00:15:31,405 --> 00:15:33,282 That could erupt into flames at any moment! 373 00:15:33,782 --> 00:15:35,451 - Who will save them? - Good, good. 374 00:15:35,534 --> 00:15:37,870 - Now shoot the building now. - What? Okay. 375 00:15:38,454 --> 00:15:40,247 - Who will save them? - Move, dude! 376 00:15:40,330 --> 00:15:42,124 I know, but I'm saying, if I could get into the… 377 00:15:42,207 --> 00:15:44,877 - Go. - Calm down, calm down, calm down, dude! 378 00:15:45,043 --> 00:15:47,754 So I just go grab the box of kittens and run out? 379 00:15:47,838 --> 00:15:51,967 Yeah. That's all there is to it. You'll be famous. Everybody loves a hero. 380 00:15:52,092 --> 00:15:53,552 Okay. Sounds easy enough. 381 00:15:53,635 --> 00:15:55,095 Get to it. 382 00:15:58,599 --> 00:16:01,852 It smells overwhelmingly like kerosene in here! 383 00:16:01,935 --> 00:16:04,938 Uh-huh. 384 00:16:08,192 --> 00:16:10,736 I cannot believe you guys. I could've been killed! 385 00:16:10,819 --> 00:16:12,529 Somebody had to save those kittens. 386 00:16:12,654 --> 00:16:15,324 They were trapped inside a burning building, Deandra. 387 00:16:15,407 --> 00:16:17,993 - You set me on fire! - We set the building on fire. 388 00:16:18,076 --> 00:16:20,078 - You just happened to catch on fire. - Barely. 389 00:16:20,162 --> 00:16:22,331 - Yeah, we put you out. - That's right. 390 00:16:22,414 --> 00:16:25,959 I'm on fire! I'm on fire! 391 00:16:26,835 --> 00:16:28,754 Well, I do look really heroic. 392 00:16:28,837 --> 00:16:30,506 - No, you do not look heroic! - How do you figure? Oh, my God! 393 00:16:30,589 --> 00:16:31,590 You threw the box of kittens. 394 00:16:31,673 --> 00:16:34,176 I was on fire! 395 00:16:34,259 --> 00:16:36,595 - We gotta shoot this shit again. - Yeah, like fire hurts. 396 00:16:36,678 --> 00:16:38,013 All right. 397 00:16:39,431 --> 00:16:41,809 - Hey, dancing guy! - That's the man. 398 00:16:41,934 --> 00:16:44,103 - Now this is entertainment. - Oh. 399 00:16:45,646 --> 00:16:48,232 I can't believe… It doesn't make any sense, man. 400 00:16:48,315 --> 00:16:50,984 It's, like, what is he… 401 00:16:51,652 --> 00:16:54,196 What's the time? Diaper time! 402 00:16:54,321 --> 00:16:56,323 What's the time? Diaper time! 403 00:16:56,406 --> 00:16:57,866 - Whoa! - What? 404 00:16:58,200 --> 00:16:59,326 That is weird. 405 00:17:03,622 --> 00:17:05,874 They're really stepping up the insanity here. 406 00:17:05,958 --> 00:17:08,210 - Where do they find these people? - Look at these people. 407 00:17:08,293 --> 00:17:10,295 Do you not find this sad and embarrassing for them? 408 00:17:10,379 --> 00:17:11,839 Those people are pieces of shit. 409 00:17:13,841 --> 00:17:17,636 - But I want to watch it. - So much and so often I want to watch it. 410 00:17:17,719 --> 00:17:19,888 I think we should throw parties and just sort of watch it together. 411 00:17:19,972 --> 00:17:23,600 - Because this is television at its best. - Definitely. 412 00:17:27,813 --> 00:17:29,982 - People love well stories. - Really? 413 00:17:30,065 --> 00:17:32,067 - Yes! - I feel like well stories are played out. 414 00:17:32,234 --> 00:17:34,111 - Who gets stuck in a well anymore? - Kittens do. 415 00:17:34,236 --> 00:17:35,487 - Kittens? - Yeah. 416 00:17:35,571 --> 00:17:37,239 You guys put those kitties in there? 417 00:17:37,322 --> 00:17:38,740 What else were we supposed to put down there, Dee? 418 00:17:38,824 --> 00:17:39,825 Oh, man! 419 00:17:39,908 --> 00:17:42,661 All right, fine. I'll do it. But don't set it on fire, okay? 420 00:17:42,744 --> 00:17:45,664 - I feel like this is dangerous enough. - Deandra, use your head. 421 00:17:45,789 --> 00:17:48,667 - How are we gonna set a well on fire? - It's filled with water. 422 00:17:48,750 --> 00:17:50,461 - Huh? - Get in the well! 423 00:17:50,544 --> 00:17:53,297 - I'm going! - Save the kittens! Save the day! 424 00:17:53,672 --> 00:17:55,466 - Give me the matches. - Yep. 425 00:17:56,425 --> 00:17:58,385 I found the kittens! 426 00:17:58,802 --> 00:18:01,638 Oh, come on! 427 00:18:01,764 --> 00:18:03,682 Okay, it's all good through here. 428 00:18:05,642 --> 00:18:09,438 - Hey! There you go. - She throws the kittens in every take. 429 00:18:09,521 --> 00:18:12,733 Oh, she loves to ruin and ruin and ruin and ruin. 430 00:18:13,984 --> 00:18:15,986 Do you guys mind keeping it down a little bit? 431 00:18:16,111 --> 00:18:18,030 - It's five o'clock in the afternoon. - What the hell? 432 00:18:18,113 --> 00:18:20,491 I was at the club all night. 433 00:18:21,116 --> 00:18:22,451 What? Are you turning into a club kid now? 434 00:18:22,534 --> 00:18:24,369 Oh, man. You guys should've been there, man. 435 00:18:24,453 --> 00:18:26,955 Everybody was there. It was so awesome. 436 00:18:27,039 --> 00:18:30,834 We've been trying to turn Dee into a hero by, like, getting her to rescue kittens 437 00:18:30,918 --> 00:18:33,629 in, you know, compromising situations. You know what I'm talking about? 438 00:18:33,712 --> 00:18:35,422 But she messes up every time! 439 00:18:35,506 --> 00:18:38,675 Hey, what if we set up, like, a conveyor belt situation, right? 440 00:18:38,801 --> 00:18:42,930 Put the cats on that. And then at the end of it, a chopping mechanism. 441 00:18:43,013 --> 00:18:46,100 - Oh, yeah! Let's chop cats! - Hey! This is good! 442 00:18:46,183 --> 00:18:47,559 - No. - Let's chop cats! 443 00:18:47,643 --> 00:18:51,772 No. We don't actually chop the cats. Dee grabs them before they get chopped. 444 00:18:51,855 --> 00:18:52,856 We'll chop a couple cats 445 00:18:52,940 --> 00:18:54,191 - so that you know it's real. - No. 446 00:18:54,316 --> 00:18:56,819 I don't think anybody's really gonna give a shit about a nobody 447 00:18:56,902 --> 00:18:58,946 saving a bunch of kittens or cats or whatever. 448 00:18:59,029 --> 00:19:01,865 But a celebrity saving cats… Then you got a story. 449 00:19:01,990 --> 00:19:03,700 - So what are you suggesting? - Well… 450 00:19:03,909 --> 00:19:05,661 I'm building up quite a reputation around town. 451 00:19:05,744 --> 00:19:07,830 Especially in the club scene. With my connections, 452 00:19:07,913 --> 00:19:10,040 I could probably finally get Dee into some of those clubs. 453 00:19:10,124 --> 00:19:12,793 Once she's in those clubs, I can turn her into a celebrity. 454 00:19:12,876 --> 00:19:15,295 And once she's a celebrity, you guys got a story. 455 00:19:15,379 --> 00:19:16,797 You think she's gonna go for that? 456 00:19:16,880 --> 00:19:19,383 She's pissed at you right now, bro, for ditching her there. 457 00:19:19,466 --> 00:19:21,635 I don't think Dee's that desperate to get famous. 458 00:19:21,718 --> 00:19:23,053 I mean, nobody's that pathetic. 459 00:19:23,679 --> 00:19:25,848 I can't believe how famous I'm about to be! 460 00:19:25,931 --> 00:19:28,767 Why don't you run off to the bathroom and cram a couple fingers down your throat. 461 00:19:28,851 --> 00:19:30,394 Bulimia's really big with this crowd. 462 00:19:30,519 --> 00:19:32,771 Oh, I just tried, but I've been throwing up all day long. 463 00:19:32,855 --> 00:19:34,690 I don't think I have any food left inside of me. 464 00:19:34,773 --> 00:19:37,443 Okay. Well, try harder. Because it's really important, all right? 465 00:19:37,526 --> 00:19:39,486 - Yeah. Okay. - If only just for show. 466 00:19:39,570 --> 00:19:41,738 - Dennis! Hey! - Hey! 467 00:19:41,822 --> 00:19:43,782 These are the girls. All right? Don't screw this up. 468 00:19:43,866 --> 00:19:46,243 These girls can make or break you in this town. 469 00:19:46,326 --> 00:19:49,121 Hey. You look gorgeous. 470 00:19:49,204 --> 00:19:51,206 Hey, listen, ladies. This is my sister. 471 00:19:51,290 --> 00:19:54,126 Notice how disgustingly skinny she is. Isn't it weird? 472 00:19:54,251 --> 00:19:56,795 Oh, my God! You are like crack skinny! 473 00:19:56,879 --> 00:19:58,881 - Oh! Okay! - That's a compliment. 474 00:19:58,964 --> 00:20:01,925 - She throws up all the time. - Oh, my God. I just got done. 475 00:20:02,050 --> 00:20:04,178 I'm sorry if my breath stinks. 476 00:20:04,261 --> 00:20:05,721 Hey, Dennis, want one? 477 00:20:05,804 --> 00:20:07,765 Uh, you know what? Maybe not tonight, ladies. 478 00:20:07,890 --> 00:20:09,141 I'm kinda working on something. 479 00:20:09,266 --> 00:20:11,852 - Oh, come on. Don't be a loser. - Yeah! 480 00:20:13,103 --> 00:20:16,106 Well, uh, all right. Yeah, maybe just one. 481 00:20:16,231 --> 00:20:18,400 Do you have one for my sister, too? 482 00:20:18,484 --> 00:20:20,652 - Sure. - What is it? 483 00:20:21,445 --> 00:20:22,696 You'll see. 484 00:20:25,449 --> 00:20:28,494 Chop, chop, chop. Good! Good! 485 00:20:28,577 --> 00:20:31,872 The cat's dead. I don't see any problems with that other than the fact… 486 00:20:31,955 --> 00:20:33,582 That the camera might see my hand killing the cat. 487 00:20:33,665 --> 00:20:36,668 No Charlie, we're gonna pull the cat out of there before it gets to the chopper. 488 00:20:36,794 --> 00:20:39,338 But if sweet Dee doesn't make it in time, you're gonna see me chop the cat. 489 00:20:39,463 --> 00:20:42,091 - Just don't drop the cat. - I can't make that promise. 490 00:20:42,216 --> 00:20:43,592 - Come on. - Whoa! 491 00:20:43,675 --> 00:20:45,385 Where have you guys been? You look like shit. 492 00:20:45,469 --> 00:20:46,512 I don't want to talk about that. 493 00:20:46,637 --> 00:20:47,638 Did you become celebrities yet? 494 00:20:47,846 --> 00:20:49,640 We're not doing the celebrity thing anymore. 495 00:20:49,765 --> 00:20:50,766 We're done with that. It's stupid. 496 00:20:50,849 --> 00:20:54,144 No. We need you guys. 'Cause we got this great chopping mechanism. 497 00:20:54,269 --> 00:20:56,897 - It's for the news show. - There is no news show, Charlie! 498 00:20:56,980 --> 00:20:59,525 Oh, yes, there is a news show, Dennis! We're gonna put it on public access! 499 00:20:59,608 --> 00:21:02,402 Nobody watches public access. I don't want to be on public access. 500 00:21:02,486 --> 00:21:03,695 What? 501 00:21:05,405 --> 00:21:07,282 Hey! Hey, dancing guy's on! 502 00:21:07,366 --> 00:21:08,450 No, no, no, no! 503 00:21:08,534 --> 00:21:10,285 - Turn that off! - Hey, hey, hey, hey! 504 00:21:10,369 --> 00:21:11,620 Dancing guy's a great show. 505 00:21:11,703 --> 00:21:15,207 - Charlie. No, Charlie. Turn it off, man. - Turn it off! 506 00:21:15,290 --> 00:21:19,128 What's the time? Diaper time! What's the time? Diaper time! 507 00:21:29,972 --> 00:21:32,850 Congratulations, guys. You're famous.