1 00:00:21,353 --> 00:00:23,397 - There's a masturbating bum in the alley. - He's masturbating. 2 00:00:23,480 --> 00:00:25,107 Oh. Yeah. I know about that guy. 3 00:00:25,190 --> 00:00:26,900 - Masturbating bums are bad for business. - Yeah. 4 00:00:26,984 --> 00:00:28,235 - Yes. - I saw that guy's wiener. 5 00:00:28,318 --> 00:00:29,611 Oh, he's gonna rip it off 6 00:00:29,695 --> 00:00:31,113 - one of these days. It's disgusting. - It really is. 7 00:00:31,196 --> 00:00:32,197 This whole goddamn 8 00:00:32,281 --> 00:00:33,323 neighborhood is going to shit. 9 00:00:33,407 --> 00:00:35,242 I mean there is a deteriorating situation here, 10 00:00:35,325 --> 00:00:36,577 and we gotta do something about it. 11 00:00:36,660 --> 00:00:38,495 We should get a junkyard dog. Okay? 12 00:00:38,579 --> 00:00:40,581 - A really mean, nasty junkyard dog. - Ooh. 13 00:00:40,664 --> 00:00:41,748 We'll chain him up in the alley. 14 00:00:41,832 --> 00:00:43,083 - We'll scare away the bums. - That's it. 15 00:00:43,167 --> 00:00:44,710 But Charlie, it's not just about our alley. 16 00:00:44,793 --> 00:00:46,170 It's about this whole neighborhood. I mean… 17 00:00:46,295 --> 00:00:47,296 I think we should make this whole neighborhood 18 00:00:47,379 --> 00:00:48,881 - safe again. Right, Dee? - Yeah. 19 00:00:48,964 --> 00:00:50,299 Kind of leaning towards the junkyard dog idea. 20 00:00:50,382 --> 00:00:51,633 You like the dog idea? 21 00:00:51,758 --> 00:00:52,759 I'd go for a dog. 22 00:00:57,473 --> 00:01:02,102 Now, first order of business is thanking Jean for working so hard 23 00:01:02,186 --> 00:01:04,104 on our monthly crime watch newsletter. 24 00:01:06,356 --> 00:01:08,108 - Uh, do you have a question? - Yeah. 25 00:01:08,192 --> 00:01:09,234 New to the crew. 26 00:01:09,318 --> 00:01:11,904 Uh, quick question about the uniform situation. 27 00:01:11,987 --> 00:01:13,989 Now, I like to cut my sleeves off. It's kind of my look. 28 00:01:14,072 --> 00:01:16,575 So, I'm wondering if the tailor is provided for us, 29 00:01:16,700 --> 00:01:18,243 or I'm left to my own devices. 30 00:01:18,535 --> 00:01:19,870 We don't have uniforms. 31 00:01:20,370 --> 00:01:21,872 Now, but… Yes? 32 00:01:21,997 --> 00:01:23,999 Yeah. Will you be providing the weapons? 33 00:01:26,001 --> 00:01:27,002 No. 34 00:01:27,085 --> 00:01:28,420 No. Oh! 35 00:01:28,587 --> 00:01:30,798 I get it. Okay. We go buy the weapons. 36 00:01:30,881 --> 00:01:32,341 We tell you how much we spent, 37 00:01:32,424 --> 00:01:34,218 and you reimburse us. Great. 38 00:01:34,468 --> 00:01:35,552 it doesn't work like that. 39 00:01:35,636 --> 00:01:37,095 You gotta give him a receipt. 40 00:01:37,262 --> 00:01:38,639 Oh, I would make a copy of the receipt. 41 00:01:38,722 --> 00:01:40,349 No. You give them the original. 42 00:01:40,682 --> 00:01:41,725 I would give them the original, 43 00:01:41,809 --> 00:01:43,060 and I would keep the copy? That seems stupid. 44 00:01:43,143 --> 00:01:44,603 Oh, I'm sorry, but that's how reimbursement works. 45 00:01:44,686 --> 00:01:45,979 What if something happens to the weapons, 46 00:01:46,104 --> 00:01:47,439 that I'm shit out of luck? 47 00:01:47,523 --> 00:01:48,816 Oh, well. Then, you just ask 'em for the original back. 48 00:01:48,941 --> 00:01:50,025 I'm sure they got a system in place. 49 00:01:50,108 --> 00:01:51,151 Why would they keep the original? 50 00:01:51,276 --> 00:01:52,277 I'm the one that bought the gun. 51 00:01:52,361 --> 00:01:54,321 - Oh, it's a gun now. - It's always been a gun, Dee. 52 00:01:54,446 --> 00:01:57,157 Excuse me. Hi. Hi. We don't carry weapons. 53 00:01:57,366 --> 00:01:59,326 We're just a neighborhood watch. 54 00:01:59,618 --> 00:02:01,954 Wait. So, you people don't apprehend criminals? 55 00:02:02,037 --> 00:02:03,872 If we see anything suspicious, 56 00:02:03,956 --> 00:02:05,707 we call the police. 57 00:02:05,833 --> 00:02:07,126 The police? 58 00:02:07,209 --> 00:02:08,502 The police. 59 00:02:08,585 --> 00:02:09,753 The streets are flooded 60 00:02:09,837 --> 00:02:11,588 with the ejaculate of the homeless, 61 00:02:11,672 --> 00:02:13,757 and you people are counting on the police? 62 00:02:13,841 --> 00:02:16,426 Well, clearly we are gonna have to handle this ourselves, Dee. 63 00:02:16,510 --> 00:02:17,511 You, sir, 64 00:02:17,636 --> 00:02:18,971 have wasted my time, 65 00:02:19,096 --> 00:02:20,597 and the time of my associate. 66 00:02:20,681 --> 00:02:22,015 Dee, get my coat. 67 00:02:26,520 --> 00:02:28,188 You hear barking? 68 00:02:28,313 --> 00:02:29,314 I don't hear no dogs. 69 00:02:29,398 --> 00:02:30,524 Dude, they'll run out and bite you in the nuts. 70 00:02:30,649 --> 00:02:31,942 They're probably sleepin'. You don't wanna wake 'em. 71 00:02:32,025 --> 00:02:33,485 - Probably chained up. - I don't hear a dog. 72 00:02:33,569 --> 00:02:34,778 All right. Hold on. We'll ask this guy. 73 00:02:34,862 --> 00:02:36,572 Excuse me. 74 00:02:36,655 --> 00:02:38,615 Sir, where am I finding 75 00:02:38,699 --> 00:02:40,117 your junkyard dogs? 76 00:02:40,200 --> 00:02:42,619 - My what? - We wanna buy a junkyard dog. 77 00:02:42,703 --> 00:02:44,079 - We want the most vicious one you have. - Yeah, like… 78 00:02:44,163 --> 00:02:46,123 - A really nasty dog. - Really nasty dog. 79 00:02:46,206 --> 00:02:47,708 We don't have no dogs. 80 00:02:48,584 --> 00:02:50,085 I'm sorry. 81 00:02:50,169 --> 00:02:52,713 - Is this not a junkyard? - You don't have a dog? 82 00:02:52,796 --> 00:02:55,215 - We got a cat round here somewhere. - Cat? 83 00:02:55,299 --> 00:02:57,301 We don't… We don't want a cat. 84 00:02:57,384 --> 00:02:58,469 Wait a minute. 85 00:02:58,552 --> 00:03:00,804 Wait a minute. Believe me, that's a tough cat. 86 00:03:01,221 --> 00:03:03,348 It was born in a pool of gasoline, 87 00:03:03,432 --> 00:03:05,684 on a piece of rusty scrap metal. 88 00:03:05,767 --> 00:03:08,061 I've seen that cat jump through barbed wire 89 00:03:08,187 --> 00:03:10,397 into a vat of hot tar. 90 00:03:10,606 --> 00:03:12,107 That cat… 91 00:03:12,691 --> 00:03:14,485 …is indestructible. 92 00:03:14,568 --> 00:03:16,737 - We don't want no cat. - Great. It's a cat. We want a dog. 93 00:03:16,862 --> 00:03:18,405 - Well, now, wait a second. - What we want is a dog. 94 00:03:18,530 --> 00:03:20,240 I wouldn't mind taking a look at that cat. 95 00:03:20,491 --> 00:03:22,326 Come on, dude. What are we gonna do with a cat? 96 00:03:22,409 --> 00:03:23,869 - Whoa… - Go ahead. Knock yourself out. 97 00:03:24,244 --> 00:03:25,537 Is that a cop car? 98 00:03:25,621 --> 00:03:28,165 You guys, if we park that in front of Paddy's, 99 00:03:28,290 --> 00:03:29,416 no more bums, 100 00:03:29,500 --> 00:03:31,126 no problems, period. 101 00:03:31,210 --> 00:03:33,045 Is that old cop car for sale? 102 00:03:33,253 --> 00:03:34,630 Everything's for sale. 103 00:03:35,547 --> 00:03:37,508 - We'll take it. - And throw in that cat. 104 00:03:43,514 --> 00:03:44,515 This thing's cool, right? 105 00:03:44,598 --> 00:03:45,682 Yeah, it's very cool. 106 00:03:45,766 --> 00:03:46,975 The seating's a little tight. 107 00:03:47,059 --> 00:03:48,685 The seating is very tight. 108 00:03:48,769 --> 00:03:50,479 - It's cramped. - Well, I know it's cramped. 109 00:03:50,604 --> 00:03:52,856 Maybe if a certain someone didn't buy a certain something, 110 00:03:52,940 --> 00:03:54,858 there'd be a little bit more room up here. Don't you think? 111 00:03:54,942 --> 00:03:56,026 This guy's not the problem, all right? 112 00:03:56,109 --> 00:03:57,569 This guy's not the problem. You're the problem. 113 00:03:57,653 --> 00:03:58,946 - I'm the problem, dude? - You're the problem. 114 00:03:59,071 --> 00:04:00,656 - Why don't you jump in the back? - Because I called shotgun. 115 00:04:00,739 --> 00:04:01,740 Dude, you have to get in the back. 116 00:04:01,824 --> 00:04:03,575 - No, I wanna fiddle with all the gadgets. - Fool with 'em. 117 00:04:03,659 --> 00:04:04,785 - Why are we stopped? - Yeah, why are we stopped? 118 00:04:04,868 --> 00:04:06,787 - It's a red light. - We're in a cop car. 119 00:04:06,870 --> 00:04:08,247 We're in a cop car, dude. 120 00:04:09,122 --> 00:04:10,165 Make her sing. 121 00:04:17,256 --> 00:04:18,298 Boom. 122 00:04:18,382 --> 00:04:20,217 - We look so stupid. - We look awesome. 123 00:04:20,300 --> 00:04:21,552 - Throw that on. - I'm not putting on a beret. 124 00:04:21,635 --> 00:04:22,719 Gotta wear the beret. 125 00:04:22,803 --> 00:04:24,012 It's terrible, and I don't get the point. 126 00:04:24,096 --> 00:04:25,347 It sends a message, Dee. 127 00:04:25,430 --> 00:04:27,266 The Guardian Angels wore the same, exact outfit 128 00:04:27,349 --> 00:04:28,684 when they cleaned up the streets of New York City 129 00:04:28,809 --> 00:04:30,435 in the 1970s. 130 00:04:30,519 --> 00:04:32,187 - We look like Rerun. - Oh, my God. 131 00:04:32,271 --> 00:04:33,605 You know what I hear when you talk like that? 132 00:04:33,689 --> 00:04:36,358 A scared little girl who's never had anyone fear her. 133 00:04:36,441 --> 00:04:38,735 Fear is power, Dee. Don't you get that? 134 00:04:38,819 --> 00:04:39,820 It's like a drug. 135 00:04:39,945 --> 00:04:41,905 Once you get a taste of it, you can never get enough. 136 00:04:41,989 --> 00:04:44,283 If I promise to wear this stupid thing, will you stop talking? 137 00:04:44,366 --> 00:04:46,493 Absolutely. All right. Let's roll. 138 00:04:46,743 --> 00:04:48,620 - What's that? - That's my mini bat. 139 00:04:48,787 --> 00:04:50,080 You're gonna hit that bum? 140 00:04:50,164 --> 00:04:51,999 No, I'm not gonna hit anybody. 141 00:04:52,082 --> 00:04:54,918 That's the best part about fear and intimidation, Dee. 142 00:04:55,002 --> 00:04:56,712 All you gotta do is look the part. 143 00:04:56,795 --> 00:04:59,047 Now, what do you think about these suspenders? 144 00:05:03,051 --> 00:05:05,179 - All right, you ready? - I mean, I guess so. 145 00:05:05,262 --> 00:05:06,263 Let's clean up the streets. 146 00:05:06,346 --> 00:05:07,806 This is how it's gonna work. 147 00:05:07,890 --> 00:05:10,559 You're gonna walk right up to him. You're gonna kindly ask him to leave. 148 00:05:10,684 --> 00:05:11,685 He's gonna see me 149 00:05:11,810 --> 00:05:13,353 with the bat, looking tough. 150 00:05:13,729 --> 00:05:16,106 - He's gone. - That's it? 151 00:05:16,190 --> 00:05:18,525 That's all you need to do when you look like a badass, Dee. 152 00:05:18,650 --> 00:05:20,194 - That's not gonna work. - Yes, it will. 153 00:05:20,319 --> 00:05:21,778 Oh, Mac, I can hear it. 154 00:05:21,862 --> 00:05:25,115 Come on. He's smiling at me. All right, give me the bat. 155 00:05:25,199 --> 00:05:26,408 You know what, asshole? 156 00:05:30,370 --> 00:05:31,788 You like that, bitch? Huh? 157 00:05:33,040 --> 00:05:35,584 I am not your little pinup girl 158 00:05:35,667 --> 00:05:36,710 for you to tug 159 00:05:36,794 --> 00:05:38,045 your rotten pecker at! 160 00:05:40,923 --> 00:05:42,174 Go on, get out of here. 161 00:05:42,257 --> 00:05:43,467 You're one crazy bitch. 162 00:05:43,550 --> 00:05:44,802 I don't wanna see you 163 00:05:44,885 --> 00:05:45,969 or your dirty balls 164 00:05:46,053 --> 00:05:47,638 in my alley again! 165 00:05:51,058 --> 00:05:52,392 - Whoa! - Yeah. 166 00:05:52,893 --> 00:05:54,019 Yeah, you took my bat. 167 00:05:54,102 --> 00:05:55,312 I kicked that guy's ass. 168 00:05:55,395 --> 00:05:57,147 I would have helped you. I need my bat back. 169 00:05:57,231 --> 00:05:58,232 That was awesome. 170 00:05:58,357 --> 00:06:00,359 Okay, that was, but next time just don't take my bat. 171 00:06:01,360 --> 00:06:03,362 Hello… Freeze, punk. 172 00:06:03,445 --> 00:06:04,488 Cool, eh? 173 00:06:04,571 --> 00:06:05,739 Gonna ride around in a cop car, 174 00:06:05,823 --> 00:06:07,282 can't do it in street clothes. 175 00:06:07,366 --> 00:06:08,367 People will think you stole it. 176 00:06:08,450 --> 00:06:09,952 That's awesome. Where's mine? 177 00:06:10,494 --> 00:06:11,703 Uh… 178 00:06:11,787 --> 00:06:12,913 Uh, well… Charlie, 179 00:06:12,996 --> 00:06:14,456 these things cost me a pretty penny. 180 00:06:14,540 --> 00:06:15,791 Yeah, Frank really sprung 181 00:06:15,874 --> 00:06:16,875 for all the bells and whistles. 182 00:06:16,959 --> 00:06:18,460 You shittin' me? You didn't get me one? 183 00:06:18,544 --> 00:06:19,795 You guys know how I love 184 00:06:19,878 --> 00:06:22,005 dressing up in costumes. Dude, that's bullshit. 185 00:06:22,089 --> 00:06:23,257 Charlie, you can't have three guys 186 00:06:23,382 --> 00:06:24,424 dressed in cop suits 187 00:06:24,508 --> 00:06:26,385 - in the front seat of a cop car. - No. 188 00:06:26,468 --> 00:06:28,345 - It don't look right. - Plus we need room for Agent Bauer. 189 00:06:28,512 --> 00:06:29,847 Well, who's Agent Bauer? 190 00:06:29,930 --> 00:06:30,931 Phew! 191 00:06:31,181 --> 00:06:32,266 Oh, come on. 192 00:06:32,391 --> 00:06:34,059 You're gonna let the stupid junkyard cat ride up front? 193 00:06:34,143 --> 00:06:36,019 It smells like it's been dumped in a bucket of piss. 194 00:06:36,103 --> 00:06:37,229 Hey, hey. 195 00:06:37,312 --> 00:06:38,981 Do not refer to him as a junkyard cat. 196 00:06:39,106 --> 00:06:41,358 He has a name… Agent Jack Bauer. 197 00:06:41,441 --> 00:06:42,442 Come on, I don't wanna ride around 198 00:06:42,526 --> 00:06:44,361 - in the back seat. - Charlie… 199 00:06:44,444 --> 00:06:47,156 You can be disguised as an undercover cop in the back seat. 200 00:06:47,239 --> 00:06:48,282 Yeah, dude. Then you can wear 201 00:06:48,365 --> 00:06:49,408 all the disguises you want. 202 00:06:49,491 --> 00:06:50,534 Damn it! 203 00:06:50,617 --> 00:06:52,619 That is such a good idea. 204 00:06:52,703 --> 00:06:53,704 No one's gonna know, dude. 205 00:06:53,787 --> 00:06:56,039 I'm gonna be, like… "You're busted. 206 00:06:56,123 --> 00:06:58,041 "Hello. How you doin'? You're busted." 207 00:06:58,125 --> 00:07:00,586 All right, let's get you back to CTU, Agent Bauer. 208 00:07:12,139 --> 00:07:13,724 Over here, pal. 209 00:07:14,308 --> 00:07:15,350 Hey… 210 00:07:15,434 --> 00:07:16,768 Boys in blue. 211 00:07:17,352 --> 00:07:18,979 What's shakin', pal? 212 00:07:19,062 --> 00:07:21,356 Hey, you fellas hungry? Couple of my best dogs, on the house. 213 00:07:21,523 --> 00:07:22,983 That sounds like the move. 214 00:07:23,150 --> 00:07:25,944 Yeah, you boys cruise in one of the old models, eh? 215 00:07:26,111 --> 00:07:27,696 Oh, yeah, yeah. This is a piece of junk. 216 00:07:27,779 --> 00:07:30,115 They're cuttin' back. The brass is breakin' our balls. 217 00:07:30,199 --> 00:07:31,283 Say, what'd this guy do? 218 00:07:31,366 --> 00:07:32,367 Uh, this guy… We caught him 219 00:07:32,451 --> 00:07:33,994 diddling kids over at a playground. 220 00:07:34,077 --> 00:07:35,204 Yeah, he's a perv. 221 00:07:35,287 --> 00:07:36,914 We're gonna bust him up good. 222 00:07:36,997 --> 00:07:38,040 You just go over there, and get us 223 00:07:38,123 --> 00:07:39,583 a couple of those tasty dogs. 224 00:07:39,750 --> 00:07:41,376 Okay, okay. Let me see what I can do, eh? 225 00:07:41,502 --> 00:07:43,045 - Okay. - Okay. 226 00:07:43,378 --> 00:07:44,546 Holy shit, that actually worked. 227 00:07:44,630 --> 00:07:45,714 These uniforms are gonna pay 228 00:07:45,798 --> 00:07:48,258 - for themselves 10 times over. - Oh, my God. 229 00:07:48,342 --> 00:07:50,260 - You're brilliant, man. - You know what else I realized? 230 00:07:50,344 --> 00:07:51,512 They didn't even realize I was an undercover cop. 231 00:07:51,595 --> 00:07:52,596 Yeah, okay. 232 00:07:52,679 --> 00:07:55,015 So, you know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna become Al Pacino in Serpico. 233 00:07:55,140 --> 00:07:56,308 - Yeah, nobody cares. - I'm gonna be Al Pacino… 234 00:07:56,391 --> 00:07:57,726 Just get back in there. You're gonna ruin it. 235 00:07:57,851 --> 00:07:59,686 Hey, hey. Here you go, boys. 236 00:07:59,770 --> 00:08:01,104 You keep up the good work. 237 00:08:01,188 --> 00:08:02,439 All righty. Thanks, pal. 238 00:08:04,942 --> 00:08:06,819 I got a great Serpico costume. 239 00:08:06,902 --> 00:08:08,529 - Diddle, diddle. - Yeah, it's… 240 00:08:08,612 --> 00:08:09,655 It's really something else. 241 00:08:09,780 --> 00:08:10,906 I don't care. Get in the car. 242 00:08:10,989 --> 00:08:12,324 - Don't push my head like that. - Let's go, Frank. 243 00:08:17,871 --> 00:08:20,582 Dennis, do you have to take that cat everywhere we go? 244 00:08:20,666 --> 00:08:22,084 Yeah. He's awesome. 245 00:08:22,167 --> 00:08:24,086 Have you taken a good look at this guy? He's hilarious. 246 00:08:24,211 --> 00:08:25,587 It's a mangy cat. 247 00:08:25,671 --> 00:08:26,672 I don't like the cat. 248 00:08:26,755 --> 00:08:28,173 Serpico doesn't like the cat one bit. 249 00:08:28,257 --> 00:08:29,258 I don't give a shit, Charlie, 250 00:08:29,383 --> 00:08:31,343 - 'cause you're not Serpico. - I'm goin' on record. 251 00:08:31,426 --> 00:08:33,428 We gotta get rid of that cat. It stinks. 252 00:08:33,554 --> 00:08:34,805 - Stinkin' cat. - We're not gettin' rid of the cat. 253 00:08:34,888 --> 00:08:36,181 There's nothing you guys can do about it 254 00:08:36,265 --> 00:08:37,641 'cause the cat outranks you. 255 00:08:37,724 --> 00:08:39,643 - I'm not outranked by a cat. - Oh, yeah, you are. 256 00:08:39,726 --> 00:08:41,436 Cat's a special agent. Are you a special agent? 257 00:08:41,728 --> 00:08:43,564 - Here's a special agent over there. - Look at this guy right here. 258 00:08:43,647 --> 00:08:44,773 You believe this guy is jaywalking. 259 00:08:44,857 --> 00:08:46,692 Take it easy, Charlie. Take it easy. 260 00:08:46,775 --> 00:08:47,776 No, no. Back me up here. 261 00:08:47,860 --> 00:08:49,027 I'm goin' in. Hey, guy! 262 00:08:49,111 --> 00:08:50,821 - Charlie, where you goin'? - What are you doing? 263 00:08:50,904 --> 00:08:53,365 Hello, guy! Hello! You wanna stop for a second? 264 00:08:53,448 --> 00:08:54,616 You like just crossin' the street 265 00:08:54,700 --> 00:08:56,243 whenever you want, makin' up your own laws? 266 00:08:56,326 --> 00:08:57,327 I'm sorry… 267 00:08:57,411 --> 00:08:58,662 Oh, you ought to be sorry. You just jaywalked, buddy. 268 00:08:58,745 --> 00:08:59,746 You jaywalked! 269 00:08:59,997 --> 00:09:01,540 Are you gonna give me a ticket? 270 00:09:01,623 --> 00:09:03,709 That depends on how much money you got in your wallet. 271 00:09:04,126 --> 00:09:06,211 I don't know, like, 15 bucks, I guess. 272 00:09:06,295 --> 00:09:08,088 - Fork it over. - Yeah. And the watch. 273 00:09:08,172 --> 00:09:10,466 - You're serious? - Do I look like I'm smiling? 274 00:09:10,591 --> 00:09:11,592 Are we smiling? 275 00:09:11,925 --> 00:09:14,052 - I can't believe this is happening. - Yeah. Well, believe it, buddy. 276 00:09:14,136 --> 00:09:15,387 - Give me your watch. Come on. - Take a walk. 277 00:09:15,471 --> 00:09:16,472 All right. That's good. 278 00:09:16,597 --> 00:09:18,599 - Get outta here. - Yeah, get the hell outta here. 279 00:09:18,891 --> 00:09:20,767 - Useless. - Put an egg in your shoe and beat it. 280 00:09:23,604 --> 00:09:25,939 What the hell was that shit, right there? 281 00:09:26,356 --> 00:09:28,609 - We got 15 bucks. - We got 15 bucks. Here, take your cut. 282 00:09:28,942 --> 00:09:29,943 I don't want a cut. 283 00:09:30,027 --> 00:09:31,487 Hey if you don't take your cut, Charlie, 284 00:09:31,570 --> 00:09:32,946 how do we know how to trust you? 285 00:09:33,030 --> 00:09:34,239 That's dirty money. 286 00:09:34,323 --> 00:09:35,699 Look, guys, we're cops. 287 00:09:35,782 --> 00:09:37,576 All right? We're not out here to bribe people. 288 00:09:37,659 --> 00:09:38,994 Will you stop doing that stupid voice? 289 00:09:39,077 --> 00:09:40,120 What are you doin'? 290 00:09:40,204 --> 00:09:41,830 I told you I was gonna do Pacino. 291 00:09:41,914 --> 00:09:44,249 - You sound like an asshole. - Well, you guys are taking bribes now. 292 00:09:44,333 --> 00:09:45,834 That's bullshit. All right, that's it. I'm walkin'! 293 00:09:45,959 --> 00:09:47,503 Oh, you're gonna do Christopher Walken now? 294 00:09:47,586 --> 00:09:48,587 I'm not doing Christopher Walken. 295 00:09:48,670 --> 00:09:49,838 I'm walking from the situation. 296 00:09:49,963 --> 00:09:51,423 - Get the hell out of here. - Go on. Go on. 297 00:09:51,507 --> 00:09:54,426 All right. You guys are crooked cops, and I don't like it. 298 00:09:55,177 --> 00:09:57,638 - The kid's nuts. - He's an idiot. Give me my cut. 299 00:09:57,763 --> 00:09:58,764 - Here's five bucks. - Give me that. 300 00:09:58,847 --> 00:10:00,349 - I'll take the 10. - All right. 301 00:10:00,599 --> 00:10:02,392 - I'm keepin' the watch. - Keep the watch. 302 00:10:02,476 --> 00:10:04,061 - I'm going to. - Watch out for the cars. 303 00:10:04,144 --> 00:10:06,146 Whoa! Hey! Hold it. 304 00:10:09,608 --> 00:10:11,151 Hey, toots. Knock, knock. 305 00:10:11,276 --> 00:10:12,444 Can I help you? 306 00:10:12,528 --> 00:10:14,863 The real question is, can we help you? 307 00:10:15,447 --> 00:10:16,490 See, my partner and I have been 308 00:10:16,573 --> 00:10:18,534 cleaning up the streets the past couple days. 309 00:10:18,617 --> 00:10:20,160 - Is that right? - Yeah, that's right. 310 00:10:20,244 --> 00:10:21,245 We know how the system works. 311 00:10:21,328 --> 00:10:22,746 You guys can't get your hands dirty. 312 00:10:22,830 --> 00:10:24,915 But my partner and I, we're not afraid of that. 313 00:10:24,998 --> 00:10:26,792 Now, getting physical, that's not gonna be a problem for us. 314 00:10:26,875 --> 00:10:28,877 Look, we are all on the same team here. 315 00:10:28,961 --> 00:10:31,171 Okay? So if you could fast-track us through, 316 00:10:31,255 --> 00:10:33,215 like, a citizen-deputy type program… 317 00:10:33,298 --> 00:10:34,675 Yeah, and, you know, toss us a couple of badges… 318 00:10:34,758 --> 00:10:36,218 You know, make it all legal. 319 00:10:36,301 --> 00:10:37,427 We can work together on this. 320 00:10:37,511 --> 00:10:40,556 Well, let's see. Oh! You know what? I'm fresh out of badges. 321 00:10:41,306 --> 00:10:42,391 Oh. 322 00:10:42,599 --> 00:10:43,809 - I get it. - I see what you did. 323 00:10:43,892 --> 00:10:45,519 Yeah. See, I sense your sarcasm. 324 00:10:45,602 --> 00:10:46,770 I'm used to it. Okay? 325 00:10:46,854 --> 00:10:48,730 Let me just say… Doesn't help, and I don't appreciate it. 326 00:10:48,856 --> 00:10:50,274 You know what? It just hurts my feelings, 327 00:10:50,357 --> 00:10:52,151 because we are sticking our necks out for you guys, 328 00:10:52,234 --> 00:10:54,695 and, frankly, doing your job better than you are. 329 00:10:54,778 --> 00:10:56,280 Really? Well, I tell you what. 330 00:10:56,363 --> 00:10:58,699 I do know of a neighborhood that could use your help. 331 00:10:58,782 --> 00:10:59,950 Perfect. Where? 332 00:11:00,033 --> 00:11:01,451 Davis? Leroy? 333 00:11:01,702 --> 00:11:03,120 These two Guardian Angels 334 00:11:03,203 --> 00:11:05,497 would love to help you clean up your beat. 335 00:11:11,044 --> 00:11:13,380 Okay, gentlemen, thank you for the ride, um… 336 00:11:13,547 --> 00:11:15,674 Quick question. What time are you picking us up? 337 00:11:15,757 --> 00:11:17,301 - Okay. - No, no, no. Oh, shit. 338 00:11:18,677 --> 00:11:21,430 - Well, we're screwed. - No, Dee, Dee, Dee. Relax, okay? 339 00:11:21,513 --> 00:11:24,516 So, we are in a lower socioeconomic, 340 00:11:24,600 --> 00:11:26,101 African-American neighborhood. 341 00:11:26,185 --> 00:11:27,186 - Yes, we are, but that's okay. - That's okay. 342 00:11:27,269 --> 00:11:28,270 - We're Guardian Angels. - That's fine. 343 00:11:28,395 --> 00:11:29,938 - We're tough, right? - We're tough. 344 00:11:30,481 --> 00:11:32,441 - Okay! Right. - Okay. 345 00:11:32,566 --> 00:11:33,609 - Stop doing that. - Guardian Angels, right? 346 00:11:33,692 --> 00:11:34,776 - We're Guardian Angels. - Okay. 347 00:11:34,860 --> 00:11:36,695 We are blind to this kind of thing. 348 00:11:36,778 --> 00:11:37,779 - Yes, okay. - And we can do this. 349 00:11:37,863 --> 00:11:39,531 We are gonna make these streets safe… 350 00:11:39,656 --> 00:11:41,408 - We are gonna make these streets safe. - Everything is gonna… 351 00:11:41,492 --> 00:11:43,327 That was a gunshot. 352 00:11:43,410 --> 00:11:44,411 We're gonna die here today. 353 00:11:44,495 --> 00:11:46,079 Let's get out of here as quickly as possible. 354 00:11:46,163 --> 00:11:48,040 Let's find a guy and figure out where the bus stop is. 355 00:11:48,123 --> 00:11:49,291 - He seems safe. Let's ask him. - He seems nice. 356 00:11:53,754 --> 00:11:54,755 Whew… 357 00:11:55,255 --> 00:11:56,423 Excuse me, sir. 358 00:11:56,757 --> 00:11:58,091 - Oh, thank God, we found you. - Oh… 359 00:11:58,217 --> 00:12:00,469 We are in a very rough neighborhood, and we are lost. 360 00:12:00,594 --> 00:12:01,595 Yes. Could you please direct us 361 00:12:01,720 --> 00:12:03,055 to the nearest bus stop? 362 00:12:12,606 --> 00:12:13,649 How you doin'? 363 00:12:14,233 --> 00:12:15,734 Uh, hi. How are ya? 364 00:12:15,818 --> 00:12:16,819 I'm good. I'm good. 365 00:12:16,985 --> 00:12:19,279 - You movin' in soon? - Pardon me? 366 00:12:19,822 --> 00:12:21,782 You've been loitering on this corner for the last 20 minutes 367 00:12:21,865 --> 00:12:23,075 like you own the goddamn place. 368 00:12:23,158 --> 00:12:24,451 I don't think I follow you. 369 00:12:24,535 --> 00:12:26,161 Oh, yeah? Don't get cute with me, pal. 370 00:12:26,245 --> 00:12:27,538 I will jam you up so hard. 371 00:12:27,621 --> 00:12:29,164 I will jam you from morning until night. 372 00:12:29,248 --> 00:12:30,249 You wanna get jammed up? 373 00:12:30,332 --> 00:12:32,126 - No. No. - You like gettin' jammed up? 374 00:12:32,668 --> 00:12:33,669 No. 375 00:12:34,503 --> 00:12:35,587 I didn't think so. 376 00:12:36,296 --> 00:12:38,173 Good. Give me that wallet. 377 00:12:38,298 --> 00:12:39,424 Yeah. 378 00:12:40,134 --> 00:12:41,593 - Let's go. Come on. - All right. 379 00:12:42,636 --> 00:12:43,762 What do we got here? 380 00:12:45,264 --> 00:12:46,265 Oh… 381 00:12:46,682 --> 00:12:47,975 Time to hit the ATM, huh? 382 00:12:49,226 --> 00:12:50,894 All right. So, I'll have five hot dogs. 383 00:12:50,978 --> 00:12:53,063 I want you to mash one of 'em up in a bowl. 384 00:12:53,147 --> 00:12:54,731 Put some milk or some water, you know? 385 00:12:54,857 --> 00:12:56,233 Mash it up nice and good, 386 00:12:56,316 --> 00:12:57,776 but, you know, four regulars, 387 00:12:57,860 --> 00:12:59,528 five hot dogs, altogether. 388 00:12:59,611 --> 00:13:00,612 Look, I'm sorry, lieutenant, 389 00:13:00,696 --> 00:13:02,239 but no more free hot dogs. 390 00:13:02,823 --> 00:13:05,367 I mean, look, maybe if it was just you I could swing it, 391 00:13:05,450 --> 00:13:06,743 but it's you, your partner… 392 00:13:06,827 --> 00:13:08,328 And now, I'm feedin' your cat? 393 00:13:08,412 --> 00:13:09,955 - I just can't afford it. - Wait a minute, wait a minute. 394 00:13:10,038 --> 00:13:11,165 - Sorry. - Hold on. 395 00:13:11,707 --> 00:13:13,208 - Hold on. - Oh. 396 00:13:13,792 --> 00:13:15,961 - Where are our hot dogs? - He won't cough up the hot dogs. 397 00:13:16,044 --> 00:13:18,797 This goddamn cat is screwin' up everything. 398 00:13:19,006 --> 00:13:20,549 We gotta get rid of the cat, Dennis. 399 00:13:20,632 --> 00:13:22,134 Tough titties, pal. I'm not gettin' rid of the cat. 400 00:13:22,217 --> 00:13:23,218 Tough titties? 401 00:13:23,343 --> 00:13:24,344 Yeah, tough titties. 402 00:13:24,428 --> 00:13:26,555 Dennis, this thing with the cat has gone too far. 403 00:13:26,847 --> 00:13:27,890 Look. I'm puttin' my foot down. 404 00:13:28,015 --> 00:13:29,892 It's gonna be either the cat or me. 405 00:13:30,017 --> 00:13:31,810 - Okay, I choose the cat. - All right, then I'm takin' the badge. 406 00:13:31,894 --> 00:13:33,187 Oh! Whoa, whoa… What are you doin'? 407 00:13:33,270 --> 00:13:34,938 You crazy, Frank? Get out of here. 408 00:13:35,022 --> 00:13:36,732 Hey, I bought that badge, I bought this uniform 409 00:13:36,857 --> 00:13:38,108 and I bought that cop car. 410 00:13:38,192 --> 00:13:39,234 I don't give a shit. 411 00:13:39,651 --> 00:13:41,028 I'm gonna tell you something, buddy. 412 00:13:41,361 --> 00:13:43,655 Your days as a cop in this town are over. 413 00:13:44,198 --> 00:13:46,116 You and that mangy cat. 414 00:13:54,208 --> 00:13:57,377 This is a stinkin', dirty hellhole of a town. 415 00:13:58,837 --> 00:14:00,214 And I'm gonna clean it up. 416 00:14:08,555 --> 00:14:09,681 Let's do this thing. 417 00:14:15,938 --> 00:14:17,606 See, now I feel very powerless. I don't like it. 418 00:14:17,689 --> 00:14:19,650 I would like to beat somebody up so I could feel better. 419 00:14:19,775 --> 00:14:20,776 It's like you try to do something good, 420 00:14:20,859 --> 00:14:21,860 and you get nothing in return. 421 00:14:21,944 --> 00:14:23,904 - What is the point? - Respect. 422 00:14:24,863 --> 00:14:25,864 Reward. 423 00:14:26,532 --> 00:14:28,742 Compensation for a job well done. 424 00:14:29,159 --> 00:14:30,702 - What's with the cat? - Don't start in on the cat. 425 00:14:30,786 --> 00:14:33,121 I swear to God, I will jam you into the middle of next week. 426 00:14:33,205 --> 00:14:35,249 We will jam and jam and jam 427 00:14:35,332 --> 00:14:37,251 until there is nothing left of the two of you to jam. 428 00:14:37,334 --> 00:14:38,502 Do you understand what we're saying to you? 429 00:14:38,585 --> 00:14:40,003 - Not really. - Calm down, dude. 430 00:14:40,170 --> 00:14:41,755 All right, here's the situation. 431 00:14:42,506 --> 00:14:43,757 Frank and I got our hands 432 00:14:43,841 --> 00:14:45,843 on a cop car. We were cruisin' around in it. 433 00:14:45,968 --> 00:14:48,011 We were actin' like cops. 434 00:14:48,137 --> 00:14:49,263 Everything was goin' great, 435 00:14:49,346 --> 00:14:50,639 but then it got to Frank's head, 436 00:14:50,764 --> 00:14:51,807 and he squeezed me out. 437 00:14:51,932 --> 00:14:53,183 Now, you two have not begun to feel 438 00:14:53,308 --> 00:14:55,269 the power and respect that you get 439 00:14:55,352 --> 00:14:58,063 when you are cruising around in a cop car. 440 00:14:58,188 --> 00:14:59,356 See, we've been cleaning up the streets, 441 00:14:59,481 --> 00:15:00,524 and all we've gotten is mugged. 442 00:15:00,691 --> 00:15:01,692 You deserve better than that. 443 00:15:01,817 --> 00:15:03,527 - We deserve better than that. - So here's what we gotta do. 444 00:15:03,610 --> 00:15:04,987 We gotta get rid of Frank. 445 00:15:05,112 --> 00:15:07,239 We gotta get our hands on that cop car. 446 00:15:07,322 --> 00:15:08,657 Yeah, okay… 447 00:15:08,740 --> 00:15:10,450 - I'm in. What's the plan? - All right. 448 00:15:10,868 --> 00:15:13,787 Frank's got beef with a certain hot dog vendor, 449 00:15:13,871 --> 00:15:15,998 and I was thinkin', if something bad 450 00:15:16,081 --> 00:15:17,916 were to happen to one of his carts… 451 00:15:18,000 --> 00:15:19,126 Well… 452 00:15:19,209 --> 00:15:20,544 We could put the frame on Frank. 453 00:15:20,627 --> 00:15:22,713 Really get him into some trouble. Right, Jack? 454 00:15:22,796 --> 00:15:24,339 Bingo… 455 00:15:25,382 --> 00:15:26,383 What'd you say, Charlie? 456 00:15:27,843 --> 00:15:28,969 - Hmm? - You just said something. 457 00:15:29,052 --> 00:15:31,346 - No, I was, um… - I think you said, "Bingo." 458 00:15:33,682 --> 00:15:34,808 Yeah, all right. Stop playing with your stupid 459 00:15:34,892 --> 00:15:36,477 tape recorder. Go clean those bathrooms. 460 00:15:36,894 --> 00:15:38,604 That's not… 461 00:15:39,229 --> 00:15:40,856 - Charlie, clean the bathroom. - Mmm? 462 00:15:45,694 --> 00:15:47,362 What is this? 463 00:15:47,446 --> 00:15:49,364 That, right there, is a tale of corruption 464 00:15:49,448 --> 00:15:50,532 and intrigue, 465 00:15:50,616 --> 00:15:53,494 the likes of which are gonna rock this city. 466 00:15:53,952 --> 00:15:55,370 "Spin Doctors mix?" 467 00:15:55,537 --> 00:15:58,165 I taped over the Spin Doctors mix. 468 00:15:58,332 --> 00:16:00,834 Sir, I do not have time to listen to your mix tape. 469 00:16:01,251 --> 00:16:02,836 No, it's not… 470 00:16:02,920 --> 00:16:04,171 Look, uh… 471 00:16:04,254 --> 00:16:05,756 I'm ready to blow my whistle here. 472 00:16:05,881 --> 00:16:07,007 You know what I'm saying? 473 00:16:07,090 --> 00:16:09,009 I got a laundry list of corruption charges, 474 00:16:09,092 --> 00:16:11,553 extortion, bribery, junkyard cats. 475 00:16:11,678 --> 00:16:13,055 This is nasty, heavy stuff. 476 00:16:13,180 --> 00:16:15,390 Now, you gonna listen to this tape or not? 477 00:16:15,516 --> 00:16:16,517 No, I am not. 478 00:16:16,934 --> 00:16:17,935 Oh… 479 00:16:18,185 --> 00:16:20,062 Oh, I get it. 480 00:16:20,395 --> 00:16:21,647 You're one of them, eh? 481 00:16:22,731 --> 00:16:24,566 A crooked cop. 482 00:16:24,733 --> 00:16:26,527 Yeah, I get it! 483 00:16:26,860 --> 00:16:29,112 Everybody's a crooked cop, huh? 484 00:16:29,488 --> 00:16:31,240 Am I the only cop left 485 00:16:31,323 --> 00:16:33,367 in Philadelphia who ain't crooked? Oh… 486 00:16:33,450 --> 00:16:35,244 Oh, I see what's happening. 487 00:16:35,410 --> 00:16:37,371 You wanna come at Serpico, huh? 488 00:16:37,454 --> 00:16:39,039 Who wants a piece of Serpico? 489 00:16:39,122 --> 00:16:40,374 'Cause I'll give it to you. 490 00:16:40,457 --> 00:16:42,960 I'll give a piece, 'cause you're forgetting about this. 491 00:16:43,043 --> 00:16:45,212 And you're forgetting about… 492 00:16:45,295 --> 00:16:46,713 Whatever the hell that is. 493 00:16:46,797 --> 00:16:48,465 But you're forgetting about it. 494 00:16:48,590 --> 00:16:50,384 And I'm gonna take this right to the mayor, 495 00:16:50,467 --> 00:16:52,553 and you're gonna remember. 496 00:16:54,721 --> 00:16:57,432 We really gotta do something about these homeless people. 497 00:17:00,102 --> 00:17:02,396 That kitty is really loving this Molotov cocktail. 498 00:17:02,479 --> 00:17:04,773 Oh, there, Jack. That's not a toy. 499 00:17:04,857 --> 00:17:07,734 He's slurping down that gasoline, no problem. What's the deal with that? 500 00:17:07,818 --> 00:17:09,486 Yeah, he's got a thing for gasoline. 501 00:17:09,570 --> 00:17:10,654 He was born in a pool of it. 502 00:17:10,863 --> 00:17:12,030 Hello. 503 00:17:13,198 --> 00:17:14,825 Just stopped in for a cold beer 504 00:17:14,908 --> 00:17:17,828 to enjoy with my free hot dog. 505 00:17:17,911 --> 00:17:20,581 You parked in a red zone. 506 00:17:20,789 --> 00:17:23,125 I'm gonna let it fly this time, but be careful. 507 00:17:23,250 --> 00:17:24,501 Oh, thanks, Frank. 508 00:17:24,585 --> 00:17:26,420 I appreciate that. I'll take care of it. 509 00:17:26,587 --> 00:17:27,838 - Yeah. - In fact, special agent 510 00:17:27,963 --> 00:17:30,674 Bauer and I intend to take care of a few things today. 511 00:17:32,301 --> 00:17:34,678 Oh, hey there, guys. What's goin' on, huh? 512 00:17:34,928 --> 00:17:37,264 Up to no good? A little crime and corruption? 513 00:17:37,347 --> 00:17:39,183 Uh, I hope you guys don't mind if I borrow this. 514 00:17:39,308 --> 00:17:40,976 Whoa, whoa, whoa! Charlie, what are you doing? 515 00:17:41,435 --> 00:17:43,312 Charlie, where you going? 516 00:17:43,395 --> 00:17:44,855 Oh, you know where I'm going, Frank. 517 00:17:44,980 --> 00:17:46,857 - Charlie, drop your weapon. - Don't do that. 518 00:17:46,982 --> 00:17:48,025 What are you doing? 519 00:17:48,108 --> 00:17:50,736 "I'm putting an end to this, right now" is what I'm doing. 520 00:17:50,819 --> 00:17:52,404 Oh, no. Charlie… 521 00:17:52,488 --> 00:17:53,906 We were supposed to be cops. 522 00:17:53,989 --> 00:17:56,658 We were supposed to care about justice, and it got to your head. 523 00:17:56,742 --> 00:17:58,619 - All right, I'll get a hose. - That's not gonna do any good, man. 524 00:17:58,702 --> 00:18:00,621 I doused the whole car full of gasoline. 525 00:18:00,704 --> 00:18:01,705 What? 526 00:18:10,631 --> 00:18:11,673 Whoa! 527 00:18:18,889 --> 00:18:20,849 God damn it, Jack Bauer. 528 00:18:21,517 --> 00:18:23,393 You really are the man. 529 00:18:43,789 --> 00:18:45,624 Okay, Mr. Mayor. 530 00:18:46,291 --> 00:18:48,919 Feast your ears on that Spin Doctors mix.