1 00:00:01,749 --> 00:00:03,334 I thought maybe we could do something different tonight. 2 00:00:03,417 --> 00:00:05,085 Jesus. Where is this shit coming from? 3 00:00:05,169 --> 00:00:07,254 She just watched that stupid Sex and the City movie. 4 00:00:07,338 --> 00:00:09,298 Oh, my God. When will that show die? 5 00:00:09,381 --> 00:00:10,382 Never, apparently. 6 00:00:10,466 --> 00:00:13,260 Dee, you tried this shit 30 years ago when that show first came on the air. 7 00:00:13,344 --> 00:00:15,304 Nobody wants to play Sex and the City with you. 8 00:00:15,387 --> 00:00:17,931 Come on, Charlie! You know you did it! Fess up! 9 00:00:18,015 --> 00:00:19,641 I did not poop the bed! 10 00:00:19,725 --> 00:00:22,186 - Whoa, whoa, whoa! Rewind. - Whoa, what? 11 00:00:22,269 --> 00:00:25,105 I'm sorry. Did you say something about pooping in a bed? 12 00:00:25,189 --> 00:00:26,190 Yeah. 13 00:00:26,273 --> 00:00:28,233 Yeah! There was some poop in our bed this morning. 14 00:00:28,317 --> 00:00:29,818 - Oh, Jesus. - And Charlie did it! 15 00:00:29,902 --> 00:00:31,904 - That is bullshit! - Charlie… 16 00:00:31,987 --> 00:00:33,155 Guys, hold on a second. Relax. 17 00:00:33,238 --> 00:00:35,115 Walk us through what happened. Nice and slow. 18 00:00:35,199 --> 00:00:37,493 Al right, well, yesterday, we wake up and there's a piece of poop 19 00:00:37,576 --> 00:00:39,161 right in the middle of me and Frank, Okay. 20 00:00:39,244 --> 00:00:41,246 Wait a minute. So this happened two nights in a row? 21 00:00:41,330 --> 00:00:43,624 Yeah, man! So we throw the first piece of poop out 22 00:00:43,707 --> 00:00:46,001 'cause big deal, whatever. Accidents happen, right? 23 00:00:46,085 --> 00:00:48,796 But this morning, there's another piece of poop in the exact same spot. 24 00:00:48,879 --> 00:00:51,173 Now, Frank says it's not him. I say it's not me. 25 00:00:51,256 --> 00:00:52,925 But you bet your ass it's one of us. 26 00:00:53,008 --> 00:00:56,095 This is a lot to handle. Now, the second poop, you held on to it, right? 27 00:00:56,178 --> 00:00:57,971 - Brought it along. - Oh, no. 28 00:00:58,055 --> 00:00:59,848 Dee, we said we can't predict the future. 29 00:00:59,932 --> 00:01:01,934 How could we possibly have seen something this awesome coming? 30 00:01:02,017 --> 00:01:03,977 Yeah, we're gonna have to clear our schedules. 31 00:01:04,061 --> 00:01:05,312 This is gonna require a lot of attention. 32 00:01:05,396 --> 00:01:06,438 You're not gonna go out with me tonight 33 00:01:06,522 --> 00:01:08,565 'cause these idiots found two poopies in a bed? 34 00:01:08,649 --> 00:01:10,734 Yeah, Dee. But it's not the poop. 35 00:01:10,818 --> 00:01:14,989 It's the mystery behind the poop. 36 00:01:50,899 --> 00:01:53,360 - Hey, girlfriend! - Oh, my God! You scared me! 37 00:01:53,444 --> 00:01:54,903 Did I? My bad. 38 00:01:54,987 --> 00:01:56,155 Why did you jump out from behind a car? 39 00:01:56,238 --> 00:01:57,281 Were you stalking me? 40 00:01:57,364 --> 00:01:58,449 Girlfriend, you're crazy. 41 00:01:58,532 --> 00:01:59,867 - Stop calling me "girlfriend." - So, check it. 42 00:01:59,950 --> 00:02:01,493 Puttin' together a girls' night out. 43 00:02:01,577 --> 00:02:03,037 I want you to come. 44 00:02:03,120 --> 00:02:04,496 Oh, my God. Why would I ever go out with you? 45 00:02:04,580 --> 00:02:05,664 I hate you. 46 00:02:05,748 --> 00:02:08,792 I know. I hate you too. That's how we girls are. 47 00:02:08,876 --> 00:02:13,881 We're catty, we backstab and talk about each other behind our backs and stalk. 48 00:02:13,964 --> 00:02:16,800 Don't you remember how Samantha and Carrie and the dykey redhead 49 00:02:16,884 --> 00:02:18,010 used to do that kind of fun stuff? 50 00:02:18,093 --> 00:02:22,639 - I don't know who you're talking about. - Sex and the City! 51 00:02:22,723 --> 00:02:25,184 You are the worst. Look, I know you're gonna be alone tonight, okay, 52 00:02:25,267 --> 00:02:27,394 I read all about it in the notebook Charlie keeps of your whereabouts. 53 00:02:27,478 --> 00:02:29,229 You don't have any friends. I have a ton of friends. 54 00:02:29,313 --> 00:02:30,314 Name one friend. 55 00:02:31,523 --> 00:02:32,691 - Frederick. - Frederick is your cat, 56 00:02:32,775 --> 00:02:34,943 and he died three weeks ago. Look. It's all here in the notebook. 57 00:02:35,027 --> 00:02:36,612 So, stop busting my balls, and let's go meet some men. 58 00:02:36,695 --> 00:02:38,781 - Give me that notebook. - I'm not gonna give you the notebook. 59 00:02:38,864 --> 00:02:40,032 Don't reach for the notebook. 60 00:02:41,241 --> 00:02:43,702 I'll give you the notebook if you come out with me tonight. 61 00:02:46,580 --> 00:02:48,540 - Fine. - Fun! See you tonight! 62 00:03:08,102 --> 00:03:09,728 You want me to do what? 63 00:03:09,812 --> 00:03:12,064 Well, we want you to examine our poopy. 64 00:03:12,147 --> 00:03:13,899 Yeah, we just want to know who it came from. 65 00:03:13,982 --> 00:03:14,983 That's it. 66 00:03:15,067 --> 00:03:17,695 Now, we don't presume to be scientists. That's why we brought it to you. 67 00:03:17,778 --> 00:03:19,947 We assume there's some kind of test you can run with these machines. 68 00:03:20,030 --> 00:03:21,281 Actually, you don't have to do any tests, 69 00:03:21,365 --> 00:03:23,367 'cause I already know it's Charlie's poop… 70 00:03:23,450 --> 00:03:24,451 - No. - …and not mine. 71 00:03:24,535 --> 00:03:27,663 Plus you have a hole in the back of your pajamas. 72 00:03:27,746 --> 00:03:30,124 It's not my poop! You've been sleeping in a giant dress shirt! 73 00:03:30,207 --> 00:03:31,542 It probably just fell out the bottom of it! 74 00:03:31,625 --> 00:03:34,461 Okay, clearly, clearly, we need to figure this out before it tears us apart. 75 00:03:34,545 --> 00:03:36,130 The only way for us to get to the bottom of this, 76 00:03:36,213 --> 00:03:37,965 is for you to tear that poop apart and tell us what's inside. 77 00:03:38,048 --> 00:03:40,134 Just take a look at it. Get inside there. 78 00:03:40,217 --> 00:03:43,887 You want me to examine a plastic container full of feces? 79 00:03:46,306 --> 00:03:47,975 I feel like you were gonna say something else right there, 80 00:03:48,058 --> 00:03:49,560 and then you stopped. Right? 81 00:03:49,643 --> 00:03:52,062 - Please get out of my lab. - That wasn't what he was gonna say. 82 00:03:52,146 --> 00:03:54,231 Man, why do you have to go there? Look, it's a simple job. 83 00:03:54,314 --> 00:03:55,691 By the way, there's no reason to be harsh. 84 00:03:55,774 --> 00:03:57,359 - Tiny little simple poop test. - Just look at it. 85 00:03:57,443 --> 00:03:59,194 You just missed out on an extraordinary adventure, pal. 86 00:03:59,278 --> 00:04:00,321 Let's get outta here. 87 00:04:00,404 --> 00:04:02,698 Yeah, there's other ways to figure this out. 88 00:04:02,781 --> 00:04:03,949 Pussy! 89 00:04:04,033 --> 00:04:05,200 Yeah. 90 00:04:08,078 --> 00:04:09,246 Hey. Hey. 91 00:04:10,372 --> 00:04:12,791 Hey, you got a turd? 92 00:04:12,875 --> 00:04:16,003 - Yeah. We got a turd. - I'll take a look at it. 93 00:04:17,379 --> 00:04:22,009 Okay. Well, it's definitely poop. 94 00:04:22,092 --> 00:04:24,386 Uh, yeah. We know that, guy. 95 00:04:25,637 --> 00:04:29,058 Whoever it was seems to have been eating newspaper. 96 00:04:29,141 --> 00:04:30,476 All right. Well, now we're getting somewhere. 97 00:04:30,559 --> 00:04:32,311 Which one of you idiots was eating a goddamn newspaper? 98 00:04:32,394 --> 00:04:34,063 - It's gonna go both ways, dude. - Really? 99 00:04:34,146 --> 00:04:35,147 Sorry. Yeah. What else? 100 00:04:35,230 --> 00:04:37,608 This appears to be a piece of a credit card. 101 00:04:37,691 --> 00:04:39,193 - Shoot. - Inconclusive. 102 00:04:39,276 --> 00:04:40,944 How is that not specific to one of you? 103 00:04:41,028 --> 00:04:43,947 I wish it was, man, but that's inconclusive… 104 00:04:44,031 --> 00:04:46,158 Oh, boy. There's a good deal of blood in this stool. 105 00:04:46,241 --> 00:04:47,284 Of course there is. 106 00:04:47,368 --> 00:04:48,494 Whoever's it is should see a doctor. 107 00:04:48,577 --> 00:04:51,205 Well, don't give us judgments. Just tell us what's in there. 108 00:04:51,288 --> 00:04:53,123 What's in there? What else? 109 00:04:53,207 --> 00:04:54,708 - This is wolf hair? - Wolf hair, mmm-hmm. 110 00:04:54,792 --> 00:04:56,835 - Also inconclusive. - Jesus Christ! 111 00:04:56,919 --> 00:04:59,338 There is so much wolf hair in our apartment right now. 112 00:04:59,421 --> 00:05:02,007 - But why are you eating it? - Well, it gets in everything. 113 00:05:02,091 --> 00:05:03,467 Both of you are eating wolf? 114 00:05:03,550 --> 00:05:05,177 We had a wolf in our apartment. 115 00:05:05,260 --> 00:05:08,013 Guys! This is getting us nowhere. Can we move on to the DNA test? 116 00:05:08,097 --> 00:05:09,556 - Yeah. Can you do a DNA test? - That's a good idea. 117 00:05:09,640 --> 00:05:11,975 - Yeah. I can't do that. - What do you mean? 118 00:05:12,059 --> 00:05:13,727 - Aren't you a scientist? - Yeah, do it. 119 00:05:13,811 --> 00:05:16,230 No, I'm an econ major. I just wanted to look at some poop. 120 00:05:16,313 --> 00:05:18,941 You're not a scientist? 121 00:05:19,024 --> 00:05:20,234 I never said I was a scien… 122 00:05:20,317 --> 00:05:22,361 Bro, you have wasted our time! You have ruined our turd. 123 00:05:22,444 --> 00:05:25,155 That's the only piece of evidence we have. Put it back together! 124 00:05:29,576 --> 00:05:32,454 - Who is she again? - That's Artemis. 125 00:05:32,538 --> 00:05:35,332 She's the sassy one who always plays by her own rules. 126 00:05:35,416 --> 00:05:36,834 Those guys are playing hard to get. 127 00:05:36,917 --> 00:05:38,794 I'm gonna take off my bra, blast my nips. 128 00:05:38,877 --> 00:05:42,840 Okay. Let's hold on that. I think what we need to do is just talk and have fun. 129 00:05:42,923 --> 00:05:44,550 - Bring 'em to us, you know? - Mmm-hmm. 130 00:05:44,633 --> 00:05:46,844 So, Artemis, where'd you get that great top? 131 00:05:46,927 --> 00:05:49,221 Burmington Coat Factory. I got it on sale. 132 00:05:49,304 --> 00:05:50,973 It's irregular. 133 00:05:51,056 --> 00:05:54,184 Oh. Okay. 134 00:05:54,268 --> 00:05:55,644 Excuse me. Hi. 135 00:05:55,728 --> 00:05:58,230 - Can we get three cosmos, please? - Actually make mine a water. 136 00:05:58,313 --> 00:06:00,983 - Water? We're in a bar. - Yeah. Well, I have a drinking problem. 137 00:06:01,066 --> 00:06:04,361 Wow. That's a horribly unattractive thing to announce to everybody. 138 00:06:04,445 --> 00:06:06,196 - I'd like a water, please. - She'll take a cosmo, 139 00:06:06,280 --> 00:06:07,531 and she'll just hold it in her hand. That's fine. 140 00:06:07,614 --> 00:06:08,657 That is a terrible idea. 141 00:06:08,741 --> 00:06:10,534 That's a pretty good idea if you want to get that notebook back. 142 00:06:10,617 --> 00:06:13,162 - Yeah, I'll take a Jagerbomb. - No. No Jagerbombs. 143 00:06:13,245 --> 00:06:14,872 - Okay. Fine, Irish Car Bomb. - No. 144 00:06:14,955 --> 00:06:16,373 - Sake Bomb? - No. Okay, no! 145 00:06:16,457 --> 00:06:19,043 Nothing with bombs in the name. Okay? Please, the cosmos. 146 00:06:19,126 --> 00:06:21,378 Go get the cosmos. Thanks a lot. 147 00:06:21,462 --> 00:06:22,713 God damn it! 148 00:06:22,796 --> 00:06:23,839 Oh. Oh. 149 00:06:23,922 --> 00:06:26,133 Hottie alert at two o'clock. Here they come. 150 00:06:26,216 --> 00:06:27,843 - Incoming. - Okay. Let me do the talking. 151 00:06:27,926 --> 00:06:31,055 - What's up, ladies? - Not much. Just enjoying the view. 152 00:06:31,138 --> 00:06:32,806 Name's Artemis. 153 00:06:32,890 --> 00:06:35,142 I have a bleached asshole. 154 00:06:38,270 --> 00:06:41,982 Okay, it's time to move on to the reenactment and dramatization. 155 00:06:42,066 --> 00:06:44,902 - Jesus Christ, Frank. You sleep in that? - My legs get hot. 156 00:06:44,985 --> 00:06:46,779 I definitely see how something could've slipped out of there. 157 00:06:46,862 --> 00:06:47,905 Absolutely. 158 00:06:47,988 --> 00:06:49,531 That would've fallen right out in the middle of the bed. 159 00:06:49,615 --> 00:06:51,367 - What about Charlie's hole? - What? 160 00:06:51,450 --> 00:06:53,494 Just get into the bed please and show us how you sleep, guys. 161 00:06:53,577 --> 00:06:54,870 - All right. - Thank you. 162 00:06:56,288 --> 00:06:57,956 Right off the bat, I think there's a clear solution. 163 00:06:58,040 --> 00:06:59,166 Could've prevented this entire thing. 164 00:06:59,249 --> 00:07:01,293 You guys need to get two beds! 165 00:07:01,377 --> 00:07:03,379 Maybe I'll get two TVs and two refrigerators. 166 00:07:03,462 --> 00:07:06,632 Oh, yeah. Do we come to your house and tell you how to sleep? 167 00:07:06,715 --> 00:07:08,634 I sleep in a king-size bed by myself. 168 00:07:08,717 --> 00:07:10,469 When I have to go to the bathroom, I use a toilet. 169 00:07:10,552 --> 00:07:13,097 Look at King Dennis on his bed made for kings, 170 00:07:13,180 --> 00:07:14,556 with his toilet made out of gold! 171 00:07:14,640 --> 00:07:16,725 Okay, guys! Everybody calm down, please! 172 00:07:16,809 --> 00:07:19,770 This is not about lifestyle. This is not about judgments. 173 00:07:19,853 --> 00:07:22,022 This is about truth, okay? 174 00:07:22,106 --> 00:07:24,650 Now, Charlie and Frank, show us how you were positioned 175 00:07:24,733 --> 00:07:27,152 the night of the incident. Excuse me. Incidents. 176 00:07:27,236 --> 00:07:28,362 All right. Well… 177 00:07:28,445 --> 00:07:30,322 I'm pretty sure I was sleeping like this that night. 178 00:07:30,406 --> 00:07:31,865 So there's no way it could've been me. 179 00:07:31,949 --> 00:07:35,369 Charlie, we sleep ass to ass. You know that. 180 00:07:35,452 --> 00:07:36,453 Oh, great. 181 00:07:36,537 --> 00:07:38,706 Okay, clearly we're having a problem with honesty here. 182 00:07:38,789 --> 00:07:40,499 Dennis, a word. 183 00:07:40,582 --> 00:07:42,292 I hate to say it, bro, 184 00:07:42,376 --> 00:07:44,503 but I think we're gonna have to do an overnight observation. 185 00:07:44,586 --> 00:07:45,838 Yeah, well, to be honest with you, 186 00:07:45,921 --> 00:07:47,840 I wouldn't mind seeing how this whole situation really works. 187 00:07:47,923 --> 00:07:49,049 It's fascinating. 188 00:07:51,385 --> 00:07:53,929 You're… 189 00:07:59,768 --> 00:08:03,105 Well, this just gets weirder and weirder, man. 190 00:08:03,188 --> 00:08:04,314 Yeah. 191 00:08:04,398 --> 00:08:07,443 - Oh! Oh, oh, oh, oh! - Anything? Hey? 192 00:08:07,526 --> 00:08:09,987 Uh, no, nothin'. False alarm. 193 00:08:10,070 --> 00:08:11,864 Damn it, dude. We can't keep doing this all night. 194 00:08:11,947 --> 00:08:12,948 Oh, I know. 195 00:08:13,032 --> 00:08:15,284 You know what? Why don't we sleep in shifts? 196 00:08:15,367 --> 00:08:16,952 Yeah, I mean, I'm not saying this isn't important work. 197 00:08:17,036 --> 00:08:19,288 - But I can't keep my eyes open, man. - I hear you. I hear you. 198 00:08:19,371 --> 00:08:21,665 All right. I'll tell you what. You go ahead and go first. 199 00:08:21,749 --> 00:08:23,667 I still got a little energy left. 200 00:08:23,751 --> 00:08:25,002 I don't know about this floor, Dennis. 201 00:08:25,085 --> 00:08:26,211 It's covered in sand or something. 202 00:08:26,295 --> 00:08:28,672 I don't know. It smells like some kind of spice blend or pesticide 203 00:08:28,756 --> 00:08:30,799 or some other kind of sandy poison or something. 204 00:08:30,883 --> 00:08:32,593 I don't. I wouldn't sleep on the floor though. 205 00:08:32,676 --> 00:08:34,762 - I gotta sleep with them? - You gotta. You gotta. 206 00:08:34,845 --> 00:08:37,222 - Are you sure you're all right? - Yeah, I'm fine. I got it. 207 00:08:37,306 --> 00:08:38,682 - You sure? Okay. - Yeah, I'm good. 208 00:08:38,766 --> 00:08:41,518 I'm just gonna sleep for, like, 15 minutes, right? 209 00:08:41,602 --> 00:08:44,313 And then you wake me up, and we'll switch it off. 210 00:08:44,396 --> 00:08:45,647 - You good? - I'm fine. 211 00:08:45,731 --> 00:08:46,732 Okay. 212 00:08:46,815 --> 00:08:49,026 Oh, gosh. 213 00:09:07,920 --> 00:09:09,380 My God! 214 00:09:16,095 --> 00:09:18,138 If we're going to be meeting sophisticated men, 215 00:09:18,222 --> 00:09:19,807 we need to start acting with class. 216 00:09:19,890 --> 00:09:22,893 We cannot be telling people that we have bleached assholes. 217 00:09:22,976 --> 00:09:24,812 - He was gonna find out anyway. - Oh, my God. 218 00:09:24,895 --> 00:09:27,815 And you, you shouldn't be drinking in a shoe store. 219 00:09:27,898 --> 00:09:30,275 You shouldn't be drinking in a shoe store. 220 00:09:30,359 --> 00:09:32,152 What is the matter with you? I told you to pace yourself. 221 00:09:32,236 --> 00:09:33,862 I have a drinking problem. 222 00:09:33,946 --> 00:09:36,281 Well, then you should know how to hold your booze a little better. 223 00:09:36,365 --> 00:09:38,993 - I'll hold your boobs a little better. - Oh, good one. 224 00:09:39,076 --> 00:09:41,787 - Ladies, can I help you? - Hello. We are here for the Manolos. 225 00:09:41,870 --> 00:09:43,497 - And what's your shoe size? - Thirteen. 226 00:09:43,580 --> 00:09:47,292 Oh, my. Uh, we don't carry shoes that large. 227 00:09:47,376 --> 00:09:50,421 Perhaps you'd like to try the "big and tall" store down the street? 228 00:09:50,504 --> 00:09:55,009 You know what? I don't like this bitch's attitude. 229 00:09:55,092 --> 00:09:56,301 - Hmm. - Oh! 230 00:09:58,345 --> 00:10:00,764 Did she just try and break a bottle over my head? 231 00:10:00,848 --> 00:10:02,182 No. Of course she didn't. 232 00:10:02,266 --> 00:10:03,892 Girls, I'll meet you outside. 233 00:10:03,976 --> 00:10:05,227 - Huh? - Get her. 234 00:10:05,310 --> 00:10:06,895 Oh. Hey. 235 00:10:06,979 --> 00:10:08,856 Okay. 236 00:10:08,939 --> 00:10:12,443 Just the littlest bit snug, aren't they? 237 00:10:12,526 --> 00:10:14,486 Uh! There we go. 238 00:10:14,570 --> 00:10:16,530 Cute though, huh? How much? 239 00:10:16,613 --> 00:10:19,116 - $700. - $700. Yes. 240 00:10:19,199 --> 00:10:21,160 Well, I tell you what. You pay for quality. 241 00:10:21,243 --> 00:10:23,871 There's so much crap out there these days. 242 00:10:23,954 --> 00:10:27,958 Man, I am excited to bust my dogs out in these tonight. 243 00:10:28,042 --> 00:10:29,626 We're going to a French restaurant. 244 00:10:29,710 --> 00:10:33,505 Le Bistro. It's five star. I don't know if you've been to it. Probably not. 245 00:10:33,589 --> 00:10:35,215 Sounds great, but this has been declined. 246 00:10:35,299 --> 00:10:37,134 Declined? You're kidding me. 247 00:10:37,217 --> 00:10:39,428 It makes me so mad. 248 00:10:39,511 --> 00:10:41,513 You know, the credit card companies, 249 00:10:41,597 --> 00:10:43,057 the way they waste your time. 250 00:10:43,140 --> 00:10:44,850 Probably protecting me. I spent a lot of money today. 251 00:10:44,933 --> 00:10:46,810 - Try that one. - Uh-huh. 252 00:10:46,894 --> 00:10:48,270 Excuse me! 253 00:10:55,778 --> 00:10:57,655 Oh, God. 254 00:10:57,738 --> 00:11:00,949 Did it not go through? 255 00:11:02,201 --> 00:11:05,996 What motive could a man possibly have for pooping where he sleeps? 256 00:11:06,080 --> 00:11:08,666 - I love that bed. - Don't buy this act. 257 00:11:08,749 --> 00:11:11,627 Frank, I will jam that poop right back up your ass where it came from! 258 00:11:11,710 --> 00:11:13,170 - You know I… - Guys, guys, guys! 259 00:11:13,253 --> 00:11:16,298 Clearly, we're exhausted and full of emotion. 260 00:11:16,382 --> 00:11:18,258 But we should not be threatening each other 261 00:11:18,342 --> 00:11:20,761 with jamming feces into each other's assholes, okay? 262 00:11:20,844 --> 00:11:22,221 Wait, wait, wait. Hold on a second. 263 00:11:22,304 --> 00:11:23,972 What if we had them produce another sample 264 00:11:24,056 --> 00:11:26,100 and we cross-reference the samples? 265 00:11:27,601 --> 00:11:30,020 They'd have to do it in front of us so that there's no foul play. 266 00:11:30,104 --> 00:11:32,106 Yeah. 267 00:11:32,189 --> 00:11:34,483 - I can't go now. - Really? 268 00:11:34,566 --> 00:11:36,902 I could probably squeeze something out. 269 00:11:36,985 --> 00:11:37,986 I'll get some newspaper. 270 00:11:38,070 --> 00:11:40,322 - This is exciting. - This is very exciting. 271 00:11:40,406 --> 00:11:42,491 Why, of all places, are we here? 272 00:11:42,574 --> 00:11:44,827 Because it's your bar, and we're gonna drink for free. 273 00:11:44,910 --> 00:11:46,954 Well, damn it, Waitress. That is not what I wanted. 274 00:11:47,037 --> 00:11:49,873 How… How do you still not know what my name is? 275 00:11:49,957 --> 00:11:51,291 Oh, I'm sorry. 276 00:11:51,375 --> 00:11:53,669 I'm supposed to be expected to remember everyone's name 277 00:11:53,752 --> 00:11:55,212 - at all moments of the day. - Oh, my God. 278 00:11:55,295 --> 00:11:57,172 This is the opposite of where we're supposed to be. 279 00:11:58,966 --> 00:12:00,592 I see it. It's comin'. 280 00:12:00,676 --> 00:12:02,553 Oh! Whoa! 281 00:12:02,636 --> 00:12:05,014 Dee! We were just on the verge of a major breakthrough! 282 00:12:05,097 --> 00:12:06,598 He was turtle-heading! Turtle-heading! 283 00:12:06,682 --> 00:12:08,642 There was no turtles anywhere. 284 00:12:08,726 --> 00:12:10,769 - Were you just pooping on the floor? - No, I was not. 285 00:12:10,853 --> 00:12:13,814 That was an endurance contest, which I won, by the way. 286 00:12:13,897 --> 00:12:15,441 - You're paying for that. - She doesn't have to pay for that. 287 00:12:15,524 --> 00:12:17,026 - Yes, she does. - Bite me, asshole. 288 00:12:17,109 --> 00:12:18,944 You have a bad attitude when you're drinking. 289 00:12:19,028 --> 00:12:23,073 You have a bad attitude when you're drinking, you huge-footed slut. 290 00:12:23,157 --> 00:12:25,492 You know what? I'm just gonna go get more wasted, 291 00:12:25,576 --> 00:12:27,578 and then I'm gonna bang some random dude. 292 00:12:27,661 --> 00:12:30,581 - Really? Could it be this guy? - No, it can't. But it could be Dennis. 293 00:12:30,664 --> 00:12:32,791 - Pass. - Whatever. 294 00:12:32,875 --> 00:12:35,336 You know what? I'm gonna take this. 295 00:12:35,419 --> 00:12:37,713 - Whoa! - I'm gonna take this. 296 00:12:37,796 --> 00:12:39,298 And I'll see you assholes later. 297 00:12:39,381 --> 00:12:41,133 - That is my notebook. - Free coffee for a year. 298 00:12:41,216 --> 00:12:42,926 Wait a second. Where did she get my note… 299 00:12:43,010 --> 00:12:44,553 - You know, I have backups. It's cool. - What is with her? 300 00:12:44,636 --> 00:12:47,056 Something about drinking. She just won't stop talking about it. 301 00:12:47,139 --> 00:12:48,474 What's with the plates of shit? 302 00:12:48,557 --> 00:12:50,642 Somebody pooped the bed. Whatever. Let's get out of here. 303 00:12:50,726 --> 00:12:53,896 Uh, we could use a fresh set of eyes on this if you don't mind. 304 00:12:53,979 --> 00:12:57,441 No, thank you. I think that Artemis and I have much better things to do. 305 00:12:57,524 --> 00:13:00,027 Uh, actually. I'm just gonna stick around. 306 00:13:00,110 --> 00:13:02,279 Excuse me? Are you kidding me? 307 00:13:02,363 --> 00:13:05,282 You know what? Forget it. Okay? I'm gonna do this by myself. 308 00:13:05,366 --> 00:13:07,409 I'm gonna go find some classy, sophisticated people 309 00:13:07,493 --> 00:13:08,494 who can hold their booze, 310 00:13:08,577 --> 00:13:10,245 who don't talk about their bleached assholes 311 00:13:10,329 --> 00:13:12,039 and who aren't obsessed with poop. 312 00:13:14,166 --> 00:13:16,669 Okay. Bring me up to speed here, boys. 313 00:13:26,970 --> 00:13:29,765 This is an interesting piece. 314 00:13:29,848 --> 00:13:31,767 Mmm. I love his use of space. 315 00:13:31,850 --> 00:13:34,603 The space… That's what I loved about it. 316 00:13:34,687 --> 00:13:38,023 What do you think the chunky earth tones represent? 317 00:13:38,107 --> 00:13:39,149 Uh… 318 00:13:39,233 --> 00:13:41,819 Look at the rich texture, the dimensions. 319 00:13:41,902 --> 00:13:44,321 - It's almost as if you can smell it. - Oh, God. 320 00:13:44,405 --> 00:13:47,908 This is the piece I was telling you about. It's unbelievable. 321 00:13:47,992 --> 00:13:51,954 It's so raw, so base, so utterly human. 322 00:13:52,037 --> 00:13:54,039 It's almost as if it exploded out of the artist. 323 00:13:54,123 --> 00:13:57,001 Well, I think it's crap. 324 00:13:58,544 --> 00:14:00,045 Crap, crap, crap. 325 00:14:00,129 --> 00:14:01,547 No. 326 00:14:02,715 --> 00:14:05,300 Crap, crap, crap. 327 00:14:05,384 --> 00:14:06,885 Oh, no! 328 00:14:06,969 --> 00:14:08,762 - Crap, crap, crap. - No! 329 00:14:10,973 --> 00:14:13,475 No! No! No! 330 00:14:13,559 --> 00:14:16,437 No. What… Oh, God! 331 00:14:16,520 --> 00:14:18,731 Oh, God! Why are you pooping? 332 00:14:28,991 --> 00:14:30,909 All right. You know what, guys? Let's just wrap up the evidence 333 00:14:30,993 --> 00:14:32,786 and start again fresh tomorrow. 334 00:14:32,870 --> 00:14:35,372 You think it'll keep, or should we put 'em in the fridge? 335 00:14:35,456 --> 00:14:37,750 Nah. They'll keep fine. 336 00:14:40,919 --> 00:14:43,839 Okay, you know what? You guys win, all right? 337 00:14:43,922 --> 00:14:45,883 - Are you happy? - Win what? 338 00:14:45,966 --> 00:14:48,427 Heart failure. 339 00:14:48,510 --> 00:14:50,220 Check the circuit breaker. 340 00:14:53,682 --> 00:14:55,059 - Whoa! - Whoa! 341 00:14:55,142 --> 00:14:57,353 Nobody move! 342 00:14:57,436 --> 00:14:59,521 Everyone here is a suspect. 343 00:15:01,273 --> 00:15:03,400 Put on another pot of coffee. 344 00:15:03,484 --> 00:15:05,986 It's gonna be a long night. 345 00:15:13,911 --> 00:15:15,746 Four turds, 346 00:15:15,829 --> 00:15:17,998 five suspects, 347 00:15:18,082 --> 00:15:21,877 so many, many nameless victims. 348 00:15:25,297 --> 00:15:27,925 The first poop was obviously Frank. 349 00:15:28,008 --> 00:15:30,177 Old and weak, he had an accident. 350 00:15:30,260 --> 00:15:32,930 That's why he was so intent on destroying it. 351 00:15:33,013 --> 00:15:35,099 There were many turds before this, weren't there, Frank? 352 00:15:35,182 --> 00:15:37,851 This was just the first time you got caught, wasn't it? 353 00:15:37,935 --> 00:15:40,896 And then you went and did it again the next night. 354 00:15:42,231 --> 00:15:43,941 Or did you? 355 00:15:44,024 --> 00:15:45,943 Two poops in two nights? 356 00:15:46,026 --> 00:15:49,238 Tall order for such a short man. 357 00:15:49,321 --> 00:15:54,076 No. The second poop belonged to Charles. 358 00:15:54,159 --> 00:15:55,911 He wanted to get back at Frank, 359 00:15:55,995 --> 00:15:58,414 but due to his poor diet, couldn't produce a turd. 360 00:15:58,497 --> 00:16:00,749 So he called Mac, 361 00:16:00,833 --> 00:16:04,378 who jumped at the chance to see Frank humiliated one more time. 362 00:16:04,461 --> 00:16:06,380 But Charlie overlooked the fact 363 00:16:06,463 --> 00:16:08,590 that Dennis listens to Mac's phone calls, 364 00:16:08,674 --> 00:16:10,926 and he heard every word. 365 00:16:11,010 --> 00:16:14,722 Dennis was jealous that Charlie had chosen Mac to help instead of him. 366 00:16:14,805 --> 00:16:17,850 He swore to have his revenge. 367 00:16:17,933 --> 00:16:19,435 That's why he encouraged Mac to sleep 368 00:16:19,518 --> 00:16:20,644 while he stayed up. 369 00:16:20,728 --> 00:16:24,231 He was gonna put the frame on Mac by pooping next to him. 370 00:16:24,314 --> 00:16:27,484 But he didn't realize that a futon slept on 371 00:16:27,568 --> 00:16:28,694 by the weight of three men 372 00:16:28,777 --> 00:16:32,698 would be off its axis and slope to the center. 373 00:16:32,781 --> 00:16:35,159 And like a small brown snail, 374 00:16:35,242 --> 00:16:37,077 it crept to the middle, 375 00:16:37,161 --> 00:16:40,122 between Charlie and Frank. 376 00:16:41,373 --> 00:16:42,416 Deandra! 377 00:16:42,499 --> 00:16:44,835 You wanted in on this poop war from the start. 378 00:16:44,918 --> 00:16:45,919 No, I didn't. 379 00:16:46,003 --> 00:16:48,339 The outcast, the slut, 380 00:16:48,422 --> 00:16:51,175 the bitch, the whore. 381 00:16:51,258 --> 00:16:54,053 The lonely, sad, slutty, bitchy whore. 382 00:16:54,136 --> 00:16:57,389 You sat on the sidelines while these four titans battled it out. 383 00:16:57,473 --> 00:17:01,143 You were jealous that a few pieces of poop got more attention than you. 384 00:17:01,226 --> 00:17:02,561 That's why, when the lights went out, 385 00:17:02,644 --> 00:17:05,189 you unleashed some thunder of your own! 386 00:17:05,272 --> 00:17:08,525 Thunder of the chocolate variety. 387 00:17:11,111 --> 00:17:13,822 All of that would be fine and dandy, 388 00:17:13,906 --> 00:17:15,824 if any of it were true. 389 00:17:15,908 --> 00:17:18,369 Can we wrap this up at some point? 390 00:17:18,452 --> 00:17:20,746 In due time, pretty face. 391 00:17:20,829 --> 00:17:22,581 In due time. 392 00:17:23,916 --> 00:17:25,918 Frank, isn't it true you thought 393 00:17:26,001 --> 00:17:27,670 you've been pooping the bed for months now? 394 00:17:27,753 --> 00:17:29,588 You chalked it up to your old plumbing 395 00:17:29,672 --> 00:17:31,465 and penchant for spicy foods. 396 00:17:31,548 --> 00:17:33,425 Morning after morning, you'd bury your poop after you rose 397 00:17:33,509 --> 00:17:35,219 to hide it from Charlie. 398 00:17:35,302 --> 00:17:38,222 But convinced that Charlie had discovered his dirty little secret, 399 00:17:38,305 --> 00:17:40,974 Frank pooped the bed again the next night as revenge. 400 00:17:41,058 --> 00:17:43,852 Only a lot more came out than he expected. 401 00:17:43,936 --> 00:17:47,064 - He had gone too far. - I've gone too far. 402 00:17:47,147 --> 00:17:49,024 Due to the size and severity of the poop, 403 00:17:49,108 --> 00:17:52,152 Frank concluded that Charlie had been pooping the bed all along. 404 00:17:52,236 --> 00:17:55,489 And so he cleaned up the mess and wandered the streets looking for someone 405 00:17:55,572 --> 00:17:58,492 who could replicate Charlie's small and malnourished turd. 406 00:17:58,575 --> 00:18:00,869 And that's where he came upon his old friend, 407 00:18:00,953 --> 00:18:03,205 - Rickety Cricket. - Get up! 408 00:18:03,288 --> 00:18:06,583 Known the world over for his ability to replicate any man's stool, 409 00:18:06,667 --> 00:18:11,046 Cricket came back and committed fecal forgery. 410 00:18:11,130 --> 00:18:13,382 Which leads us to the third turd. 411 00:18:13,465 --> 00:18:16,468 Dennis and Mac thought it'd be funny to put the frame on Frank and Charlie. 412 00:18:16,552 --> 00:18:18,053 And so they both pooped. 413 00:18:18,137 --> 00:18:23,684 But as so often happens, the poop rolled together, and two became one. 414 00:18:23,767 --> 00:18:26,020 A turd merger. 415 00:18:26,103 --> 00:18:30,482 Fused together by fear and hatred and hair. 416 00:18:30,566 --> 00:18:32,860 But on to the final poop, 417 00:18:32,943 --> 00:18:35,946 a poop that can be traced back to Dee! 418 00:18:36,030 --> 00:18:38,824 But not to her butt. 419 00:18:38,907 --> 00:18:41,660 The Waitress, drunk out of her mind 420 00:18:41,744 --> 00:18:45,122 and furious that Dee had pushed her back into the arms of the bottle, 421 00:18:45,205 --> 00:18:48,667 pooped in Dee's purse while Dee's back was turned. 422 00:18:51,378 --> 00:18:53,297 And Dee carried it unknowingly 423 00:18:53,380 --> 00:18:56,717 until she arrived here and the lights went out and she was startled, 424 00:18:56,800 --> 00:19:00,012 knocking her purse to the floor, causing the turd to tumble, 425 00:19:00,095 --> 00:19:03,390 where it stands before us right now! 426 00:19:03,474 --> 00:19:05,768 Ha! Huh? 427 00:19:05,851 --> 00:19:07,519 So as you can see, 428 00:19:09,271 --> 00:19:12,941 the mystery of who pooped the bed has been solved. 429 00:19:14,068 --> 00:19:15,944 And yes, my friends, 430 00:19:16,028 --> 00:19:19,073 in a way, oh, you're all guilty. 431 00:19:20,407 --> 00:19:21,659 Huh? What? 432 00:19:28,207 --> 00:19:30,459 Nah. I did it. 433 00:19:30,542 --> 00:19:32,961 What? 434 00:19:33,045 --> 00:19:34,713 I did 'em all. I did all the poops. 435 00:19:34,797 --> 00:19:36,924 - Really? - Yeah. I did… I did every one of 'em. 436 00:19:37,007 --> 00:19:39,843 I even did one while she was wrapping up right here. 437 00:19:39,927 --> 00:19:41,470 Look. 438 00:19:41,553 --> 00:19:43,430 - Dude! - Jesus! 439 00:19:43,514 --> 00:19:44,723 Oh, my God. 440 00:19:44,807 --> 00:19:48,310 - Why did you do that, dude? - Because poop is funny. 441 00:19:50,604 --> 00:19:53,982 - Well, I guess poop is pretty funny. - Poop is funny. 442 00:19:54,066 --> 00:19:55,526 - Poopin' on the floor like that… - That was a good one. 443 00:19:55,609 --> 00:19:59,321 - You know what? Well played, my man. - Very well played. 444 00:19:59,405 --> 00:20:01,949 That's funny. 445 00:20:03,409 --> 00:20:05,244 - I hate my life. - Yeah. 446 00:20:05,327 --> 00:20:07,371 Seriously, dude. Don't ever poop in our bed again.