1 00:00:00,323 --> 00:00:01,449 - weren't you, out of the rat traps? - No! 2 00:00:01,532 --> 00:00:04,202 Well, yes. I was eating the old cheese to test it, 3 00:00:04,285 --> 00:00:05,495 see why the rats weren't eating it. 4 00:00:05,578 --> 00:00:07,246 Why are you always doing such weird things, Charlie? 5 00:00:07,330 --> 00:00:08,498 I do weird things? 6 00:00:08,581 --> 00:00:10,249 Name another thing that you think is weird! 7 00:00:10,333 --> 00:00:11,709 Well, I caught you stealing a bunch of coins 8 00:00:11,793 --> 00:00:13,252 out of the fountain at Logan Circle. 9 00:00:13,336 --> 00:00:16,672 I was acquiring a little bit of cash to pay my spy, Dee. 10 00:00:16,756 --> 00:00:18,216 Why do you have a spy? 11 00:00:18,299 --> 00:00:19,967 To spy on the waitress! Of course I have a spy! 12 00:00:20,051 --> 00:00:21,677 - Is that normal to you? - You know what, shut up 13 00:00:21,761 --> 00:00:22,970 - and give me my book back please! - No! 14 00:00:23,054 --> 00:00:24,514 Hey, guys. What book you keep going on and on about? 15 00:00:24,597 --> 00:00:27,266 - It's nothing. You don't need to see it. - Oh, my God. 16 00:00:27,350 --> 00:00:28,559 Whoa. 17 00:00:28,643 --> 00:00:31,437 These are my… These are my memoirs. Charlie, you found my book. 18 00:00:31,521 --> 00:00:35,149 I wrote a memoirs. Hey, guys! Charlie found my memoirs! 19 00:00:35,233 --> 00:00:36,651 - Your memoirs? - I've been keeping track 20 00:00:36,734 --> 00:00:38,069 of all my sexual exploits, 21 00:00:38,152 --> 00:00:41,739 and I was gonna unleash them on the world in a fiery blaze of eroticism. 22 00:00:41,823 --> 00:00:44,242 Whoa, whoa, whoa. Slow down a second, Dennis. 23 00:00:44,325 --> 00:00:47,286 - You wrote a book? - Well, it's more of a tale of redemption 24 00:00:47,370 --> 00:00:48,996 told through my erotic travels. 25 00:00:49,080 --> 00:00:50,832 Giddyap, man. That's amazing! 26 00:00:50,915 --> 00:00:52,083 That's good stuff, right? Yeah. 27 00:00:52,166 --> 00:00:54,669 But then one day the book just sort of went mysteriously missing. 28 00:00:54,752 --> 00:00:55,837 Charlie, what the hell were you doing with it? 29 00:00:55,920 --> 00:00:57,714 Well, since he can't read, 30 00:00:57,797 --> 00:00:59,590 I'm guessing he was masturbating to your pictures. 31 00:00:59,674 --> 00:01:01,175 - Goddamn! Jackin' off to my… - God, no! 32 00:01:01,259 --> 00:01:03,594 That is not at all… You know, what are you doing to me? 33 00:01:03,678 --> 00:01:05,930 Why are you doing this? You've been riding me. 34 00:01:06,013 --> 00:01:07,974 Now you're accusing me of things. You just don't get it. 35 00:01:08,057 --> 00:01:10,810 You don't know why I do the things that I do. It's nuts. 36 00:01:10,893 --> 00:01:12,311 You don't know how hard I got it, Dee. 37 00:01:12,395 --> 00:01:14,188 Got it pretty tough? Your life is pretty hard? 38 00:01:14,272 --> 00:01:15,982 I tell you what. How'd you like to walk a mile in my shoes, huh? 39 00:01:16,065 --> 00:01:18,026 Try your old buddy Charlie on for size. 40 00:01:18,109 --> 00:01:19,360 You want me to walk a mile in your shoes, 41 00:01:19,444 --> 00:01:20,945 'cause I can't handle your big, tough life? 42 00:01:21,029 --> 00:01:22,780 I will. That sounds fine to me. I will do that. 43 00:01:22,864 --> 00:01:24,407 Oh, my God! Shut up! 44 00:01:24,490 --> 00:01:27,118 - Dennis, what's the name of this book? - Ah. 45 00:01:27,201 --> 00:01:31,289 "Dennis Reynolds: An Erotic Life." 46 00:02:04,280 --> 00:02:07,200 "I removed my robe and stood before her, 47 00:02:07,283 --> 00:02:10,828 taut, nubile, proud. 48 00:02:10,912 --> 00:02:12,747 She was much, much older than me, 49 00:02:12,830 --> 00:02:16,459 but her breasts were awesome. 50 00:02:16,542 --> 00:02:21,714 I felt reborn, baptized in erotic majesty." 51 00:02:21,798 --> 00:02:24,050 - Ooh! - Yeah! 52 00:02:24,133 --> 00:02:26,636 - This is some sweet smut! - Yeah! 53 00:02:26,719 --> 00:02:28,596 - I'm all boned-up over here. - Me, too. 54 00:02:28,679 --> 00:02:30,348 Dennis, we should try and sell this book. 55 00:02:30,431 --> 00:02:31,808 Personal memoirs are huge right now. 56 00:02:31,891 --> 00:02:33,518 Yeah, yeah, no. I'm gonna sell the book, okay, 57 00:02:33,601 --> 00:02:34,977 but I'm not gonna let you guys be involved. 58 00:02:35,061 --> 00:02:37,855 Because every time you're involved, you get all excited about something 59 00:02:37,939 --> 00:02:39,941 and then you give up the minute we hit the first speed bump. 60 00:02:40,024 --> 00:02:42,235 You need us, Dennis. You're gonna need some legal help. 61 00:02:42,318 --> 00:02:44,737 Legal help? What the hell are you talking about? 62 00:02:44,821 --> 00:02:47,448 Bro, half the stories you just read us are total bullshit. 63 00:02:47,532 --> 00:02:49,117 They're not bullshit. What are you saying? 64 00:02:49,200 --> 00:02:52,704 Dennis, you were never the personal sexual adviser to Jon Bon Jovi. 65 00:02:52,787 --> 00:02:55,915 And you never woke up in a rehab facility with the wounds of Christ 66 00:02:55,998 --> 00:02:58,501 miraculously appearing on your hands and feet. 67 00:02:58,584 --> 00:03:00,420 Yeah, man, but I did, I banged that girl in the fountain. 68 00:03:00,503 --> 00:03:02,714 That story was true, the hot dogs, the oatmeal, everything. 69 00:03:02,797 --> 00:03:04,757 Dude, you don't want to end up like that Million Little Pieces guy. 70 00:03:04,841 --> 00:03:07,009 All right? Oprah made him look like a total dick. 71 00:03:07,093 --> 00:03:08,886 Oh, that guy was a turd. 72 00:03:08,970 --> 00:03:11,389 Come on. Just take some of those stories out. 73 00:03:11,472 --> 00:03:13,057 No, see, Frank, he can't take those stories out. 74 00:03:13,141 --> 00:03:15,351 That's the rub. That's why he needs us. 75 00:03:15,435 --> 00:03:19,230 Because the public loves those crazy celebrity stories and rehab shit. 76 00:03:19,313 --> 00:03:21,733 - Okay, so what are you thinking? - I'm thinking 77 00:03:21,816 --> 00:03:24,777 we take some of the really good stories, you know, the Jon Bon Jovi, 78 00:03:24,861 --> 00:03:27,864 the Christ-wound stigmatas and we recreate them. 79 00:03:27,947 --> 00:03:29,782 We make them true so that people can't prove 80 00:03:29,866 --> 00:03:31,534 - that they didn't happen. - Oh, my God. 81 00:03:31,617 --> 00:03:34,203 Recreate some of the better stories in here and then we have proof. 82 00:03:34,287 --> 00:03:36,164 - Yes! - Holy shit. That's a good idea. 83 00:03:36,247 --> 00:03:39,751 Now, first things first, we gotta figure out how to get you in a rehab. 84 00:03:42,503 --> 00:03:44,547 Do I really have to sleep here? 85 00:03:44,630 --> 00:03:46,382 Dee if you're gonna walk a mile in my shoes, 86 00:03:46,466 --> 00:03:48,509 this is a pretty big part of that mile, don't you think? 87 00:03:48,593 --> 00:03:49,844 Now, here. Put these on. 88 00:03:49,927 --> 00:03:52,263 No. I don't want to wear one of your dirty sleeping outfits. 89 00:03:52,346 --> 00:03:54,682 Oh, I'm sorry, but my "outfits," as you like to call them, 90 00:03:54,766 --> 00:03:57,727 serve a very specific purpose, all right? This isn't just for fun. 91 00:03:57,810 --> 00:03:59,520 I don't have any heating ducts in this apartment. 92 00:03:59,604 --> 00:04:01,314 It gets freezing in here at night, all right? 93 00:04:01,397 --> 00:04:04,650 Now, in case you have to pee-pee, I got this for you, all right? You… 94 00:04:04,734 --> 00:04:06,778 - Oh, my God! - Goddamn it! 95 00:04:06,861 --> 00:04:08,196 Frank was supposed to empty that! 96 00:04:08,279 --> 00:04:11,532 Charlie, no wonder it reeks in here! You have open cans of pee everywhere! 97 00:04:11,616 --> 00:04:14,452 Well, I'm sorry. But you do not want to use that bathroom! 98 00:04:14,535 --> 00:04:16,037 Okay, now eat one of these, all right? 99 00:04:16,120 --> 00:04:19,123 You're gonna wanna huff a little glue and drink some beer. 100 00:04:19,207 --> 00:04:20,583 This is cat food, Charlie. 101 00:04:20,666 --> 00:04:22,043 Well, Dee, I can't explain it, all right? 102 00:04:22,126 --> 00:04:24,045 There's some sort of weird chemical reaction that happens 103 00:04:24,128 --> 00:04:25,838 when you combine cat food, beer and glue. 104 00:04:25,922 --> 00:04:27,924 It makes you feel, like, extremely sick and tired, 105 00:04:28,007 --> 00:04:29,092 and you're able to fall asleep. 106 00:04:29,175 --> 00:04:31,219 Why would I want to make myself extremely sick and tired? 107 00:04:31,302 --> 00:04:32,512 'Cause there's gonna be about 50 cats 108 00:04:32,595 --> 00:04:34,097 howling outside that window all night long 109 00:04:34,180 --> 00:04:36,724 and you have no idea how loud 50 cats can be. 110 00:04:36,808 --> 00:04:38,893 Okay, maybe there wouldn't be cats surrounding your building 111 00:04:38,976 --> 00:04:40,520 if you didn't have open cans of cat food everywhere! 112 00:04:40,603 --> 00:04:42,605 I have 50 cats howling outside my window, 113 00:04:42,689 --> 00:04:44,107 because I have 10,000 rats 114 00:04:44,190 --> 00:04:46,025 - running around my building, Dee, okay? - All right. Stop yelling. 115 00:04:46,109 --> 00:04:47,276 - I'm not an idiot! - You're spitting cat food on me. 116 00:04:47,360 --> 00:04:48,444 There's a reason to do the things that I… 117 00:04:48,528 --> 00:04:49,696 Oh. 118 00:04:49,779 --> 00:04:50,947 Oh, I don't feel good. 119 00:04:51,030 --> 00:04:53,533 And it's starting right on time. 120 00:04:53,616 --> 00:04:56,077 If I were you, I'd start wolfin' that shit down. 121 00:04:56,160 --> 00:04:59,997 Okay, I'll go to sleep. 122 00:05:00,081 --> 00:05:02,417 Yeah, I'm not feeling good at all. 123 00:05:07,922 --> 00:05:09,924 Mmm. 124 00:05:39,954 --> 00:05:41,998 Mmm-mmm. 125 00:05:45,168 --> 00:05:49,881 You cast a spell on me I was blind but now I see 126 00:06:07,523 --> 00:06:12,820 Come play with us forever and ever and ever… 127 00:06:12,904 --> 00:06:15,531 …and ever.- 128 00:06:15,615 --> 00:06:19,577 Ocupado. 129 00:06:21,204 --> 00:06:25,666 - Mmm. All gone. - All gone. 130 00:06:32,507 --> 00:06:34,133 Wake up! Let's go! 131 00:06:34,217 --> 00:06:35,343 - Time to start the day. - What? 132 00:06:35,426 --> 00:06:37,345 - Time to get up! - Charlie! Oh, God! Oh, God! 133 00:06:37,428 --> 00:06:40,473 There's evil twins in the… In the hallway and a twitching junkie… 134 00:06:40,556 --> 00:06:42,684 What? How much of that glue did you huff? 135 00:06:42,767 --> 00:06:43,851 I don't know. As much as you did. 136 00:06:43,935 --> 00:06:46,270 As much as me? Really? 137 00:06:46,354 --> 00:06:48,523 Well, that's probably way too much glue for you, Dee. 138 00:06:48,606 --> 00:06:51,192 Hey, check it out. You just had yourself a glue O.D. 139 00:06:51,275 --> 00:06:52,652 And those are pretty regular in my life. 140 00:06:52,735 --> 00:06:53,820 - So you learned another lesson. - Okay. 141 00:06:53,903 --> 00:06:55,029 Don't do too much glue 142 00:06:55,113 --> 00:06:56,447 - or your night sucks. - Whoa, whoa. Hold on a second. 143 00:06:56,531 --> 00:07:00,201 You're saying that your life is terrible because you eat rat cheese and cat food 144 00:07:00,284 --> 00:07:02,745 - and huff glue all day long? - Uh, yeah! 145 00:07:02,829 --> 00:07:04,831 Those aren't real problems, Charlie. 146 00:07:04,914 --> 00:07:05,957 What do you mean, they're not real problems? 147 00:07:06,040 --> 00:07:07,417 You make those problems up! 148 00:07:07,500 --> 00:07:10,670 - You choose to do that stuff! - Those are solutions to problems! 149 00:07:10,753 --> 00:07:13,172 Oh, my God. You know what? Hold on a second. 150 00:07:13,256 --> 00:07:14,632 We're gonna turn the tables here. 151 00:07:14,716 --> 00:07:16,759 You're gonna walk a mile in my shoes now, 152 00:07:16,843 --> 00:07:18,803 and you're gonna see what it's like to live in the real world 153 00:07:18,886 --> 00:07:20,304 and have actual problems! 154 00:07:20,388 --> 00:07:21,472 Okay, you got some glue on your face though. 155 00:07:21,556 --> 00:07:23,975 - You might want to wash that off. - Oh, goddamn it. 156 00:07:28,187 --> 00:07:29,689 Okay, plan is simple. 157 00:07:29,772 --> 00:07:31,983 You're gonna hang out at the rehab facility for a couple of days 158 00:07:32,066 --> 00:07:33,860 while we get the ball rolling with Bon Jovi. 159 00:07:33,943 --> 00:07:36,738 Yeah. I gotta say I'm a little skeptical about you guys 160 00:07:36,821 --> 00:07:39,574 being able to get in touch with Jon Bon Jovi. 161 00:07:39,657 --> 00:07:40,950 What? What do you mean? 162 00:07:41,034 --> 00:07:42,118 He's from New Jersey. 163 00:07:42,201 --> 00:07:44,412 - Piece of cake. - Have a little faith in us. 164 00:07:44,495 --> 00:07:46,789 Dennis, plus, it's easy. We just get you into a room with him, 165 00:07:46,873 --> 00:07:48,166 snap a couple of photos, we got proof. 166 00:07:48,249 --> 00:07:49,333 - Bing, bang, boom. We're done. - That's it, huh? 167 00:07:49,417 --> 00:07:51,461 - Now, let's talk stigmatas. - Mmm. 168 00:07:51,544 --> 00:07:54,130 Uh, right. Do we have to do the stigmatas? 169 00:07:54,213 --> 00:07:56,007 Dennis, you know that this publisher 170 00:07:56,090 --> 00:07:57,759 - is gonna have a fact checker, right? - Yeah. 171 00:07:57,842 --> 00:08:00,136 You don't want to end up like the Million Little Pieces guy, do you? 172 00:08:00,219 --> 00:08:01,554 I brought a nail gun. 173 00:08:01,637 --> 00:08:02,972 - Oh, is that what that is? No, no, no. - Yeah. 174 00:08:03,056 --> 00:08:04,223 Look, you're not gonna shoot nails in me. 175 00:08:04,307 --> 00:08:07,143 No. I think a couple of severe burns from the cigar 176 00:08:07,226 --> 00:08:08,311 - is what's gonna do the trick. - What? 177 00:08:08,394 --> 00:08:09,854 - No, no, no. You need deep wounds. - Yeah. 178 00:08:09,937 --> 00:08:11,647 - No, no, no, wait… - This'll give you deep wounds. 179 00:08:11,731 --> 00:08:13,149 - Hold on a second! No! - I can get these pretty deep, Frank. 180 00:08:13,232 --> 00:08:14,400 Nobody's gonna burn me 181 00:08:14,484 --> 00:08:16,235 - or shoot me full of nails! - Dennis, calm down! 182 00:08:16,319 --> 00:08:18,988 You focus on your art, okay? Frank and I will handle 183 00:08:19,072 --> 00:08:20,239 - all the business end of things. - Hang on a second. 184 00:08:20,323 --> 00:08:22,241 If you guys really want to do the stigmata… 185 00:08:25,203 --> 00:08:26,454 Okay. Good work, Frank. 186 00:08:26,537 --> 00:08:27,872 Now, I think we should just probably 187 00:08:27,955 --> 00:08:29,248 - leave the body right here. - Yeah. 188 00:08:29,332 --> 00:08:30,708 And then in the morning they'll come out and find him. 189 00:08:30,792 --> 00:08:31,959 - All right, give me his hands. - Yup. 190 00:08:34,754 --> 00:08:37,382 So I don't go to a therapist. I just go to bars. 191 00:08:37,465 --> 00:08:39,717 If you walk up to the nearest drunk guy and bump him from behind, 192 00:08:39,801 --> 00:08:43,054 he always turns around and goes, "Hey, man. What's your problem?" 193 00:08:44,972 --> 00:08:46,182 This guy is great. 194 00:08:46,265 --> 00:08:48,476 Do you come here every night? Every night, huh? This is great. 195 00:08:48,559 --> 00:08:49,936 Hey, do they have food, too? 196 00:08:50,019 --> 00:08:51,896 - 'Cause I could go for some food. - No, no, no. No food. 197 00:08:51,979 --> 00:08:53,648 - I don't eat while I'm here. - Well, when do you eat? 198 00:08:53,731 --> 00:08:55,650 - I don't. - Why don't you eat dinner? 199 00:08:55,733 --> 00:08:56,859 You gotta eat dinner sometime. 200 00:08:56,943 --> 00:08:59,112 Because when you perform your nerves make you dry heave, 201 00:08:59,195 --> 00:09:01,489 and you better hope you don't have any food in your stomach. 202 00:09:01,572 --> 00:09:03,991 - You're gonna perform? - All right. 203 00:09:04,075 --> 00:09:06,911 Now, this next lady y'all know, because she's here almost every night. 204 00:09:06,994 --> 00:09:09,497 Let's hope she's got some new jokes this time. 205 00:09:09,580 --> 00:09:13,793 Everybody put your hands together for Deandra Reynolds! 206 00:09:17,922 --> 00:09:20,466 Howdy, howdy, howdy. How's everybody doing tonight? 207 00:09:23,261 --> 00:09:27,557 So, you guys, what's the deal with those hands-free headsets 208 00:09:27,640 --> 00:09:31,352 that everybody's wearing in their ears, right? 209 00:09:34,439 --> 00:09:36,774 It's, like, "Hey, everybody, look at me! 210 00:09:36,858 --> 00:09:39,152 I'm one part robot and three parts asshole!" 211 00:09:39,235 --> 00:09:42,572 Jesus Christ! 212 00:09:45,658 --> 00:09:47,326 I mean, am I right, or am I… 213 00:09:47,410 --> 00:09:49,579 Screw it! 214 00:09:51,748 --> 00:09:55,918 Wow. Well, at least it was short and dry this time. 215 00:09:56,002 --> 00:09:59,464 Dee, what are you doing to yourself? 216 00:09:59,547 --> 00:10:01,758 That is terrible. Why would you do that? 217 00:10:01,841 --> 00:10:03,384 You just gotta put in your dues, Charlie, you know? 218 00:10:03,468 --> 00:10:05,511 You gotta take it one step at a time when you want to be an actor. 219 00:10:05,595 --> 00:10:07,055 - Just climb to the top. - What? 220 00:10:07,138 --> 00:10:08,264 This is about being an actor, 221 00:10:08,347 --> 00:10:10,808 why in God's name are you still trying to be one? 222 00:10:10,892 --> 00:10:12,727 Okay, we all have our hopes and dreams, Charlie. 223 00:10:12,810 --> 00:10:14,228 You're still trying to get with the waitress. 224 00:10:14,312 --> 00:10:16,647 I'm still trying to act. We just do whatever we need to do. 225 00:10:16,731 --> 00:10:19,067 Oh, is it funny? You better get ready, guy, 'cause you're next. 226 00:10:19,150 --> 00:10:23,321 Let's hear it for a newcomer here tonight, Mr. Charlie Kelly! 227 00:10:26,949 --> 00:10:29,410 So, you guys, you ever eat cheese? Cheese is a funny thing. 228 00:10:29,494 --> 00:10:32,163 Cheese is a strange thing. I always wonder, like, what is cheese? 229 00:10:32,246 --> 00:10:33,915 Where does it… 230 00:10:38,878 --> 00:10:41,130 We gotta figure out how to get you into rehab. 231 00:10:41,214 --> 00:10:42,673 Let's talk stigmatas. 232 00:10:44,008 --> 00:10:46,761 - You need deep wounds. - No, no, wait. 233 00:10:46,844 --> 00:10:49,222 Rehab… 234 00:10:49,305 --> 00:10:51,391 Yo, punk. 235 00:10:51,474 --> 00:10:53,351 Wake up, punk. 236 00:10:53,434 --> 00:10:56,646 - Yo, punk! - Ow! 237 00:10:56,729 --> 00:10:58,398 Wake up! 238 00:10:58,481 --> 00:11:00,233 - What the hell? - Yeah, you in hell, all right! 239 00:11:00,316 --> 00:11:01,609 - What? - You know what? 240 00:11:01,693 --> 00:11:04,362 My name is Sinbad! This Sinbad's house! 241 00:11:04,445 --> 00:11:06,656 When you're in Sinbad house, you're my bitch! 242 00:11:06,739 --> 00:11:08,282 Listen… 243 00:11:08,366 --> 00:11:10,827 Yeah, you know who that is? Huh? 244 00:11:10,910 --> 00:11:14,163 That's Rob Thomas. Matchbox Twenty! Sing a song. 245 00:11:14,247 --> 00:11:15,665 - Uh… - Shut up! 246 00:11:15,748 --> 00:11:17,625 Matchbox Twenty? Ooh! 247 00:11:17,709 --> 00:11:20,169 You the man, huh? You gonna punk him like that? 248 00:11:20,253 --> 00:11:21,337 - No, no, no! - Stay back, man. No! 249 00:11:21,421 --> 00:11:23,423 Matter of fact, unleash the fury. Get his shoe! 250 00:11:23,506 --> 00:11:24,841 - What? - Beat his testicles! 251 00:11:24,924 --> 00:11:26,008 - No, no, no! - Beat his testicles! 252 00:11:26,092 --> 00:11:27,552 Don't beat… Don't, don't, don't, don't! 253 00:11:27,635 --> 00:11:29,637 Come on. Rob Thomas and Sin… Sinbad. 254 00:11:29,721 --> 00:11:32,640 Look, man. I'm pretty confused about what I'm seeing here. 255 00:11:32,724 --> 00:11:35,018 And I'm in a lot of pain. Just tell me what's going on. 256 00:11:35,101 --> 00:11:36,310 Oh, It's the pain, huh? 257 00:11:36,394 --> 00:11:37,979 My bad. I didn't know you was hurting like that. 258 00:11:38,062 --> 00:11:41,024 My bad. 'Cause I've hurt before. You've hurt before. We all hurt. 259 00:11:41,107 --> 00:11:42,442 So, I'm gonna just break it down now. 260 00:11:42,525 --> 00:11:43,860 I'll introduce myself right. That was wrong. 261 00:11:43,943 --> 00:11:45,987 I'm Sinbad. There's my head shot. 262 00:11:46,070 --> 00:11:47,655 I'll autograph for you a little later on. 263 00:11:47,739 --> 00:11:49,741 And this is Sinbad's house. 264 00:11:49,824 --> 00:11:51,117 And you're my bitch! 265 00:11:51,200 --> 00:11:52,493 I'm gonna show you how… 266 00:11:52,577 --> 00:11:53,786 Everything okay in here? 267 00:11:53,870 --> 00:11:54,912 Hey, what's up, Jerome? How are you doing? 268 00:11:54,996 --> 00:11:56,998 Man, he keep throwin' his shoe. He crazy. 269 00:11:57,081 --> 00:11:58,166 Okay, well, let's go. 270 00:11:58,249 --> 00:11:59,625 Everybody should be in bed with the lights off. 271 00:11:59,709 --> 00:12:01,377 We're tryin' to go to sleep. He keep throwin' shoes at us. 272 00:12:03,921 --> 00:12:06,007 You're about to get me jacked up, man! Is that what you're tryin' to do? 273 00:12:06,090 --> 00:12:08,217 Shut up! Man, I'll poke your eye out! 274 00:12:08,301 --> 00:12:12,305 See this? This one on you, and this one on Rob Thomas. 275 00:12:12,388 --> 00:12:14,182 I own both y'all! 276 00:12:15,767 --> 00:12:18,394 Watch your ass, new meat. 277 00:12:23,524 --> 00:12:26,069 All righty then. See you soon. Bye-bye. 278 00:12:26,152 --> 00:12:28,571 Hey, dude. 279 00:12:28,654 --> 00:12:32,158 I just made a date with that girlie rockstar's people. 280 00:12:32,241 --> 00:12:34,827 - Bon Jovi? Oh! - Yeah. He owns the Philadelphia Soul. 281 00:12:34,911 --> 00:12:37,914 The arena football team. I just offered to buy it. 282 00:12:37,997 --> 00:12:40,833 Awesome! All right, now, I'm gonna pretend that I have terminal cancer 283 00:12:40,917 --> 00:12:42,919 and get him to do an acoustic set on my deathbed. 284 00:12:43,002 --> 00:12:45,338 Wait. Why would you do that? You don't have to do that. 285 00:12:45,421 --> 00:12:48,257 No, it's great, bro. Rock stars do the cancer-kid thing all the time. 286 00:12:48,341 --> 00:12:50,176 - Look, Frank! You got us into a room… - No! 287 00:12:50,259 --> 00:12:51,761 …with Jovi's people, right? 288 00:12:51,844 --> 00:12:53,638 I'm gonna get us into a room with Jovi himself! 289 00:12:53,721 --> 00:12:56,099 I'm sorry! That's a stupid idea. I don't want you to do it. 290 00:12:56,182 --> 00:12:57,517 Well, I already got a bald-cap guy and everything. 291 00:12:57,600 --> 00:12:58,935 You're just confusing everything! 292 00:12:59,018 --> 00:13:00,269 There's nothing confusing about it, Frank! 293 00:13:00,353 --> 00:13:01,771 - It's very simple! - Shut up! 294 00:13:01,854 --> 00:13:04,482 Shut your big mouth right now! 295 00:13:04,565 --> 00:13:06,901 I will put my foot down right now! 296 00:13:06,984 --> 00:13:09,904 You are not going in there with that cancer thing! 297 00:13:09,987 --> 00:13:13,658 I don't care what you say! So get it out of your head! 298 00:13:13,741 --> 00:13:16,911 Okay. Jesus, dude. I won't do the cancer thing. 299 00:13:16,994 --> 00:13:18,538 Relax. 300 00:13:20,331 --> 00:13:23,793 So, Mr. Reynolds, you're interested in buying our arena football team. 301 00:13:23,876 --> 00:13:24,961 Big time! 302 00:13:25,044 --> 00:13:29,340 But I want to do business with Mr. Von Joni himself. 303 00:13:29,424 --> 00:13:31,217 - Bon Jovi? - Yeah! 304 00:13:31,300 --> 00:13:34,137 Mr. Bovine Joni himself. 305 00:13:34,220 --> 00:13:37,056 I'm offering $40 million for the team. 306 00:13:37,140 --> 00:13:40,309 Wow. Well, that is a very generous offer. 307 00:13:40,393 --> 00:13:44,063 But I must admit I'm a little bit confused about one thing. 308 00:13:44,188 --> 00:13:47,275 What's confusing about 40 million? That's a shitload of money. 309 00:13:47,358 --> 00:13:50,737 It is. It is. I'm a little confused as to why you've chosen 310 00:13:50,820 --> 00:13:53,114 to involve this gentleman here. 311 00:13:53,197 --> 00:13:54,991 - Uh… - Well, if I may, 312 00:13:55,074 --> 00:13:57,076 I'd like to explain to you why I'm here. 313 00:13:57,160 --> 00:13:59,746 Uh, ma'am, I am dying of very terminal cancer, 314 00:13:59,829 --> 00:14:03,666 and I would like to request a private bedside concert from Mr. Bon Jovi. 315 00:14:03,750 --> 00:14:05,376 - Ah. - Now, Sambora's presence 316 00:14:05,460 --> 00:14:08,087 is not necessary. But it would be nice if he was involved. 317 00:14:08,171 --> 00:14:10,006 Question, is this a laser pointer? 318 00:14:10,089 --> 00:14:11,382 - Yes. - Can I have it? 319 00:14:11,466 --> 00:14:12,925 - No. - Don't. 320 00:14:13,009 --> 00:14:15,094 - I'm gonna take it anyway. - Please don't listen to anything he says. 321 00:14:15,178 --> 00:14:18,431 - No. No, Frank. Frank… - I'll give you $60 million for the team. 322 00:14:18,514 --> 00:14:20,516 I got it. We're talking about cancer. 323 00:14:20,600 --> 00:14:22,185 - Nobody cares about football anymore. - We're negotiating! 324 00:14:22,268 --> 00:14:24,896 You're not negotiating shit. We're onto the cancer thing now 325 00:14:24,979 --> 00:14:26,939 and that is the way that it's gonna go from here. 326 00:14:27,023 --> 00:14:29,275 Okay. I'm just gonna throw this out there. 327 00:14:29,359 --> 00:14:31,194 I don't think you have cancer. 328 00:14:31,277 --> 00:14:32,779 What? What are you… What are you talking about? 329 00:14:32,862 --> 00:14:34,989 No, that's chemo. That's chemotherapy right there. 330 00:14:35,073 --> 00:14:37,700 And for the record, when you go through chemo, 331 00:14:37,784 --> 00:14:38,993 your beard hair falls out, too. 332 00:14:39,077 --> 00:14:41,037 - Are you sure? I asked a lot of people! - I told you… 333 00:14:41,120 --> 00:14:43,956 - I asked my bald-cap guy! - …not to do the cancer thing! 334 00:14:44,040 --> 00:14:46,876 But it was working until you got in with the bullshit numbers! 335 00:14:46,959 --> 00:14:49,545 Goddamn it! You know, I'm not even really bald. 336 00:14:49,629 --> 00:14:51,881 I have a full head of hair. Not like him. 337 00:14:54,217 --> 00:14:56,260 Not only do I consider it magnificent, 338 00:14:56,344 --> 00:14:59,597 but I have a sneaking suspicion it's pretty good. 339 00:14:59,680 --> 00:15:01,891 Hey! 340 00:15:01,974 --> 00:15:04,102 - On his eyes. - Shine it on his dick. 341 00:15:04,185 --> 00:15:05,311 - Shine it on his dick! - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! 342 00:15:06,562 --> 00:15:09,482 Look at his dick! 343 00:15:09,565 --> 00:15:10,858 Oh, that's my phone. 344 00:15:10,942 --> 00:15:13,611 My phone is ringing. Sorry, that's me. 345 00:15:13,695 --> 00:15:14,862 Hey. Where you been? 346 00:15:14,946 --> 00:15:17,490 - I'm in rehab, dude! - Oh, yeah. 347 00:15:17,573 --> 00:15:18,991 Hey, that whole Jovi thing went south, 348 00:15:19,075 --> 00:15:20,785 so I think we're just gonna scrap the whole book ordeal. 349 00:15:20,868 --> 00:15:22,328 What are you talking about? 350 00:15:22,412 --> 00:15:24,580 I got another call, buddy. 351 00:15:24,664 --> 00:15:25,915 No! No, don't… 352 00:15:25,998 --> 00:15:28,793 - Hello? - Bill, what's happening? 353 00:15:28,876 --> 00:15:31,087 - Who are you looking for? - Bill. Who's this? 354 00:15:31,170 --> 00:15:32,588 Oh, this is Mac. You got the wrong number. 355 00:15:32,672 --> 00:15:33,798 Oh, my bad. 356 00:15:33,881 --> 00:15:35,842 Yeah. No problem. What number were you trying to call? 357 00:15:37,135 --> 00:15:39,387 Hello? 358 00:15:39,470 --> 00:15:40,722 Frank, you gotta get me outta here, man! 359 00:15:40,805 --> 00:15:43,433 - Where are you? - I'm in rehab, goddamn it! 360 00:15:43,516 --> 00:15:46,019 Well, I'm in a movie, and this broad's about to get naked. 361 00:15:46,102 --> 00:15:47,228 - So I gotta go. - No, no, no! 362 00:15:47,311 --> 00:15:48,855 Yeah, now, that's okay. 363 00:15:50,732 --> 00:15:52,859 - Yeah, I thought it was some chick. - Who are you talking to? 364 00:15:52,942 --> 00:15:54,610 I'm talking to Bill. And anyway… 365 00:15:54,694 --> 00:15:56,070 - No, I'm not Bill. I'm Terry. - Bill? 366 00:15:56,154 --> 00:15:57,363 Oh, I'm sorry. No, it's Terry. 367 00:15:57,447 --> 00:15:59,323 Sorry about that, Terry. Anyway, these cat people hated me… 368 00:15:59,407 --> 00:16:00,825 - Terry? - …'cause I kept calling them over 369 00:16:00,908 --> 00:16:02,118 - and over. - What number did he want? 370 00:16:02,201 --> 00:16:04,412 - Will you please shut up! - Who's that? 371 00:16:04,495 --> 00:16:06,080 Yeah. I got some dick in a movie theater giving me shit. 372 00:16:06,164 --> 00:16:07,248 Why you turn around like that? 373 00:16:07,331 --> 00:16:09,125 - Yeah. Nice talking to you. All right. - Call me back. 374 00:16:09,208 --> 00:16:10,710 I'll talk to you afterwards. Bye. 375 00:16:10,793 --> 00:16:12,211 Give me the laser pointer. 376 00:16:12,295 --> 00:16:13,421 - Just give me the laser pointer. - What a jerk. 377 00:16:13,504 --> 00:16:15,339 I know. Watch this. I'm gonna do it right on the back of his head. 378 00:16:17,550 --> 00:16:20,011 - Bro, you wore the battery down. - Oh. 379 00:16:20,094 --> 00:16:24,307 Well, how am I supposed to use it now? 'Cause you… Jerk! 380 00:16:24,390 --> 00:16:26,100 - I'm a jerk? - Yeah, you're a jerk. 381 00:16:26,184 --> 00:16:28,978 Oh, you're walking around with that bald cap on all day, 382 00:16:29,062 --> 00:16:30,605 - and I'm a jerk. - It was expensive. I'm sorry. 383 00:16:30,688 --> 00:16:32,607 - I want to get my money's worth. - You're talking to a guy… 384 00:16:32,690 --> 00:16:33,983 Will you please be quiet? 385 00:16:34,067 --> 00:16:36,486 Who talks like this in the middle of a movie theater? 386 00:16:36,569 --> 00:16:40,365 Hey. Hey, you don't know how hard I got it, pal. 387 00:16:40,448 --> 00:16:42,950 You don't know how tough it is bein' me. 388 00:16:43,034 --> 00:16:44,369 What? 389 00:16:44,452 --> 00:16:46,037 It's not that tough to be you, Frank. 390 00:16:46,120 --> 00:16:49,415 What is so difficult about your life? 391 00:16:49,499 --> 00:16:53,878 Yeah, try walkin' a mile in my shoes once in a while and then talk to me. 392 00:16:53,961 --> 00:16:57,799 Would you allow me to show you my… 393 00:16:57,882 --> 00:17:01,177 Our eyes locked, our hands touched, 394 00:17:01,260 --> 00:17:03,471 and she whispered in my ear, 395 00:17:03,554 --> 00:17:08,142 "Dude, your balls totally rule." 396 00:17:08,226 --> 00:17:09,435 What the hell you think you doing, man? 397 00:17:09,519 --> 00:17:12,605 I heard about this shit! It's gonna stop! Take his book, Rob! 398 00:17:12,689 --> 00:17:14,649 Whoa, whoa, wait! 399 00:17:14,732 --> 00:17:17,276 Come on. I was just in the middle of some really erotic stuff. 400 00:17:17,360 --> 00:17:18,444 Yeah, I heard about that shit. 401 00:17:18,528 --> 00:17:20,446 You trying to write memoirs and erotic shit. 402 00:17:20,530 --> 00:17:23,116 Know what? You don't write it, bitch! I'll write it! 403 00:17:23,199 --> 00:17:25,076 What is your problem, Sinbad? 404 00:17:25,159 --> 00:17:27,328 Think you Jesus? You think you Jesus? 405 00:17:27,412 --> 00:17:31,124 Ain't no Jesus here 'cept me! I'm Jesus! 406 00:17:31,207 --> 00:17:33,543 What the hell, man? You stole my thing! 407 00:17:33,626 --> 00:17:36,838 No. My thing is bigger. Rule of the land. Big is my thing now. 408 00:17:36,921 --> 00:17:38,548 Took it. Bam! Mine! 409 00:17:38,631 --> 00:17:40,842 Fine. But what does Rob Thomas have to do with any of this? 410 00:17:40,925 --> 00:17:42,885 You know, Rob… You know what he's got to do with it? 411 00:17:42,969 --> 00:17:46,681 He do whatever I tell him, 'cause he's my bitch, bitch! 412 00:17:46,764 --> 00:17:48,725 Let's get out of here, man. We're gonna read some smut. 413 00:17:48,808 --> 00:17:50,977 - Oh, come on, man. - Shut up. Give it to him. 414 00:17:51,060 --> 00:17:54,355 Give it. No, I'm playing! 415 00:17:54,439 --> 00:17:56,524 I gotta get outta here. 416 00:17:59,736 --> 00:18:01,904 This is my day, and this is where I come at the end of the day 417 00:18:01,988 --> 00:18:03,698 before I head off to Paddy's. 418 00:18:03,781 --> 00:18:06,034 Why do you come to the fountain? The fountain's my thing. 419 00:18:06,117 --> 00:18:07,952 Well, I'll tell you why I come to the fountain, Charlie. 420 00:18:08,036 --> 00:18:10,288 I come here every single day to throw money into this thing 421 00:18:10,371 --> 00:18:11,706 to wish for a better life. 422 00:18:11,789 --> 00:18:14,375 Money that you apparently steal for spies! 423 00:18:14,459 --> 00:18:16,794 Okay, so essentially, Charlie, you're stealing my dreams! 424 00:18:16,878 --> 00:18:19,172 And if you don't mind, I'm gonna get those dreams back now. 425 00:18:19,255 --> 00:18:21,340 No, those are my spy coins. That's my money anyway! 426 00:18:21,424 --> 00:18:22,717 - You can't have that! - How is that your money? 427 00:18:22,800 --> 00:18:24,969 It's itchy. I mean, this is what I gotta go through to get laid. 428 00:18:25,053 --> 00:18:26,471 Frank, shut up! You're just pissed off, 429 00:18:26,554 --> 00:18:27,805 'cause I pull it off better than you. 430 00:18:27,889 --> 00:18:29,724 You don't pull it off better than anything. 431 00:18:29,807 --> 00:18:32,185 You better not lose your hair, 'cause you're an ugly bald man. 432 00:18:32,268 --> 00:18:34,020 Not as ugly as you, bitch. 433 00:18:34,103 --> 00:18:35,688 - Ah! - What are we doing here? 434 00:18:35,772 --> 00:18:38,941 This is the time of day when I come to the fountain. 435 00:18:39,025 --> 00:18:40,443 Why? 436 00:18:40,526 --> 00:18:42,945 When I was a kid I used to swim in this fountain. 437 00:18:43,029 --> 00:18:45,239 A bunch of bullies kicked me out. 438 00:18:45,323 --> 00:18:50,411 So, I wait until this time of day and come back and piss in the fountain. 439 00:18:50,495 --> 00:18:53,498 I've been pissin' in the fountain for 50 years. 440 00:18:53,581 --> 00:18:55,541 Well, why are you still pissing in it? 441 00:18:55,625 --> 00:18:57,210 To get back at their kids! 442 00:18:57,293 --> 00:18:59,337 - Greedy, greedy! Greedy Dee! - You can't have a good life 443 00:18:59,420 --> 00:19:01,798 - without your dreams! - Is that Dee and Charlie? 444 00:19:01,881 --> 00:19:04,217 - Hey, guys, what are you doing? - What the hell? 445 00:19:04,300 --> 00:19:05,551 These are my dreams! 446 00:19:05,635 --> 00:19:07,512 - They mean something to me! - It's anyone's coins! 447 00:19:07,595 --> 00:19:09,347 Yo, Charlie and Dee! 448 00:19:09,430 --> 00:19:11,474 Yo, Charlie and Dee! 449 00:19:11,557 --> 00:19:13,351 - Deandra! What are you doing? - Dee! 450 00:19:13,434 --> 00:19:16,312 I'm taking my dreams back! 451 00:19:16,396 --> 00:19:17,647 What are you guys doing? 452 00:19:17,730 --> 00:19:19,148 Frank's gonna piss in the fountain. 453 00:19:19,232 --> 00:19:20,400 I do it every day. 454 00:19:20,483 --> 00:19:22,902 - Hey, I like your haircut, man. - What's going on up here? 455 00:19:22,985 --> 00:19:25,071 You can't tell. Charlie, it's a bald cap. 456 00:19:25,154 --> 00:19:26,322 - It's not even real! - Oh, my God! 457 00:19:26,406 --> 00:19:27,490 You can't tell, huh? 458 00:19:27,573 --> 00:19:29,242 - That's awesome! - No, you can tell. 459 00:19:29,325 --> 00:19:31,077 Time out. Did you say you were gonna piss in the fountain? 460 00:19:31,160 --> 00:19:32,870 - Is that Dennis? - You're in it. 461 00:19:32,954 --> 00:19:35,790 Hey, Dennis! What's up, buddy? Come here! 462 00:19:35,873 --> 00:19:37,500 - What you doing? - Guys… 463 00:19:37,583 --> 00:19:40,211 Huh? I use this fountain for its healing powers. 464 00:19:40,294 --> 00:19:42,130 Plus, it does wonders for my skin. 465 00:19:42,213 --> 00:19:43,464 But that's not important right now! 466 00:19:43,548 --> 00:19:44,632 You're not gonna believe this. 467 00:19:44,716 --> 00:19:46,676 Sinbad was trying to kill me! 468 00:19:46,759 --> 00:19:47,969 - What? - Yeah. 469 00:19:48,052 --> 00:19:49,345 Sinbad, the comedian. 470 00:19:49,429 --> 00:19:51,264 He was in the rehab center. He was trying to kill me. 471 00:19:51,347 --> 00:19:53,141 And then Rob Thomas, the lead singer of Matchbox Twenty, 472 00:19:53,224 --> 00:19:54,434 he was in there, too. 473 00:19:54,517 --> 00:19:56,436 Is any of that making sense? 474 00:19:56,519 --> 00:19:57,895 No. 475 00:19:57,979 --> 00:19:59,981 Uh, time out, time out, time out. 476 00:20:00,064 --> 00:20:02,358 Did you or did you not meet Sinbad? 477 00:20:02,442 --> 00:20:03,943 Yeah. I met Sinbad. But… 478 00:20:04,027 --> 00:20:05,361 - Can you prove that stuff? - Oh, yeah. 479 00:20:05,445 --> 00:20:06,946 This happened just moments ago! 480 00:20:07,030 --> 00:20:08,656 - Boom! Memoir's back on. - Me! 481 00:20:08,740 --> 00:20:10,324 Rob Thomas is a douche bag, 482 00:20:10,408 --> 00:20:11,868 - but the public eats that shit up! - Yeah! 483 00:20:11,951 --> 00:20:13,703 - The memoirs thing is done! - We gotta go back to that rehab. 484 00:20:13,786 --> 00:20:15,246 No, no, no, no! No! We can't go back there! 485 00:20:15,329 --> 00:20:17,081 - That's too dangerous! - No, Dennis, we have to prove it. 486 00:20:17,165 --> 00:20:19,083 We gotta take photos. We have to sign documents. 487 00:20:19,167 --> 00:20:20,918 Dude, I'm a huge Sinbad fan! I am always… 488 00:20:21,002 --> 00:20:23,379 Sinbad is not the man that you think he is! 489 00:20:23,463 --> 00:20:24,964 We'll take care of you. 490 00:20:25,048 --> 00:20:26,132 - I am not going back! - We'll watch your back. 491 00:20:26,215 --> 00:20:27,759 I'd like to meet him. I hope he's wearing something 492 00:20:27,842 --> 00:20:29,093 made out of windbreaker. 493 00:20:30,970 --> 00:20:32,847 - Okay, guys. This is it. - What the hell is this? 494 00:20:32,930 --> 00:20:34,640 - It's the rehab center. - Oh. 495 00:20:34,724 --> 00:20:38,478 That's not the rehab center. That's the rehab center. 496 00:20:38,561 --> 00:20:41,314 Well, this is where they brought me after you guys dropped me off. 497 00:20:41,397 --> 00:20:43,858 Everybody, you gotta stay close to me, okay? You have to protect me, 498 00:20:43,941 --> 00:20:47,111 because like most comedians Sinbad is very angry on the inside. 499 00:20:47,195 --> 00:20:48,529 - Come on. Come on! - Do you think he'll, 500 00:20:48,613 --> 00:20:50,031 like, autograph my shirt? 501 00:20:50,114 --> 00:20:51,657 - Or, like… - He will autograph your face 502 00:20:51,741 --> 00:20:53,826 until it is bloody to a pulp. Now come on! 503 00:20:55,536 --> 00:20:58,623 So, like, what is this place, dude? 504 00:20:58,706 --> 00:21:02,085 Hey! Oh, hell, no! 505 00:21:02,168 --> 00:21:04,670 We told you not to come back here, freak! 506 00:21:04,754 --> 00:21:05,963 Where's Sinbad? 507 00:21:06,047 --> 00:21:09,717 Oh, you call me Sinbad one more time, I'm gonna knock you out. 508 00:21:09,801 --> 00:21:12,678 - What the hell is going on here? - This dude broke in here, 509 00:21:12,762 --> 00:21:14,347 and has been running around ranting and raving 510 00:21:14,430 --> 00:21:16,391 about memoirs and Sinbad! 511 00:21:16,474 --> 00:21:19,519 So you lied to us, Dennis? 512 00:21:19,602 --> 00:21:21,771 No, I didn't lie. No, I swear to God. This was all real. 513 00:21:21,854 --> 00:21:24,649 - Sinbad was here, I swear! - That's it. I'm calling the cops. 514 00:21:24,732 --> 00:21:26,275 - You thought that dude was Sinbad. - This guy? 515 00:21:26,359 --> 00:21:28,611 Maybe that blow to the head did a little more damage than we thought. 516 00:21:28,695 --> 00:21:30,905 - That's not Sinbad, dude! - I know that's not Sinbad! 517 00:21:30,988 --> 00:21:32,323 Is this some sort of sick fantasy? 518 00:21:32,407 --> 00:21:34,117 No, it's not a fantasy! I didn't make it up! 519 00:21:34,200 --> 00:21:36,703 - Sinbad was here! I swear! - Well, guess what, guy? 520 00:21:36,786 --> 00:21:38,371 The memoir is dead, again! 521 00:21:38,454 --> 00:21:40,623 I can't believe you didn't meet Sinbad! 522 00:21:40,707 --> 00:21:42,875 Do you even realize how excited I was to meet Sinbad! 523 00:21:42,959 --> 00:21:44,877 - Sinbad's a hilarious comedian. - Goddamn it. Son of a bitch. 524 00:21:44,961 --> 00:21:46,838 That guy is like some dude in green pants. 525 00:21:46,921 --> 00:21:48,256 I don't even see how this could be happening. 526 00:21:48,339 --> 00:21:49,674 It all seemed so real. 527 00:21:49,757 --> 00:21:52,468 I need to see a doctor. 528 00:21:52,552 --> 00:21:54,178 Psst. 529 00:21:54,262 --> 00:21:56,264 No, you don't, bitch! 530 00:21:57,765 --> 00:22:00,476 - Wake up! Yeah, you in hell, all right! - Ow! 531 00:22:00,560 --> 00:22:02,895 - Oh, what the hell, man? - Hell, no! 532 00:22:02,979 --> 00:22:05,231 You call me Sinbad one more time… 533 00:22:10,611 --> 00:22:12,572 Yeah. I should definitely see a doctor.