1
00:00:03,113 --> 00:00:04,698
He really has
an ugly face.

2
00:00:04,782 --> 00:00:06,784
Mmm, he does…
He is certainly ugly.

3
00:00:06,867 --> 00:00:08,786
But you know what? That's not really
what bothers me about this.

4
00:00:08,869 --> 00:00:10,537
What bothers me is that he
looks like an old woman.

5
00:00:10,621 --> 00:00:11,914
- Right!
- Yeah.

6
00:00:11,997 --> 00:00:13,207
Well, he is wearing

7
00:00:13,290 --> 00:00:15,084
- a lot of blush on those cheekbones.
- Right!

8
00:00:15,167 --> 00:00:16,585
But I feel like that
was the look of the times.

9
00:00:16,668 --> 00:00:18,420
No, no, no.
But it's not just that though, Mac.

10
00:00:18,504 --> 00:00:21,006
It's not. I mean, a lot of presidents
somehow end up looking like women.

11
00:00:21,090 --> 00:00:22,132
I mean, look at Ronald Reagan.

12
00:00:22,216 --> 00:00:23,801
- Right? He looks…
- Mmm-hmm. Now, why would you hang

13
00:00:23,884 --> 00:00:25,094
a painting like this on your wall?

14
00:00:25,177 --> 00:00:27,054
Well, it's the historical
society, bro.

15
00:00:27,137 --> 00:00:28,555
- They have to hang it up.
- Right. Yeah.

16
00:00:28,639 --> 00:00:31,266
We gotta suffer just because some
old dude who looks like Meryl Streep

17
00:00:31,350 --> 00:00:33,268
chopped down a cherry tree
10 million years ago?

18
00:00:33,352 --> 00:00:35,979
It's just… He looks terrible!

19
00:00:36,063 --> 00:00:38,482
You know what?
Let's take it down.

20
00:00:38,565 --> 00:00:40,442
It's just gonna distract us
through the meeting.

21
00:00:40,526 --> 00:00:41,777
Yeah. Let's get it down, man.

22
00:00:41,860 --> 00:00:43,946
Let's take it down.
I'm gonna tear it down.

23
00:00:44,029 --> 00:00:46,281
It's gonna distract us.

24
00:00:46,365 --> 00:00:48,242
Unbelievable.
It's bolted to the wall.

25
00:00:48,325 --> 00:00:49,326
Well, that proves
our point, man.

26
00:00:49,410 --> 00:00:50,869
We're not the first people
who tried to take that thing down.

27
00:00:50,953 --> 00:00:52,788
Yeah, but we're gonna
be the first ones to actually succeed.

28
00:00:52,871 --> 00:00:53,872
Come on.
Let's tear it down, Charlie.

29
00:00:53,956 --> 00:00:55,249
Let's just rip it
off the wall!

30
00:00:55,332 --> 00:00:57,334
Whoa! Guys, guys, guys!

31
00:00:57,418 --> 00:00:59,837
I got a pocket knife.
Just cut it out of the frame.

32
00:00:59,920 --> 00:01:01,130
That's a good idea.
Here we go.

33
00:01:01,213 --> 00:01:02,506
'Cause I really… I've had enough
of this dude.

34
00:01:02,589 --> 00:01:04,174
Just cut it right out
of the frame.

35
00:01:04,258 --> 00:01:06,260
What are you doing?

36
00:01:06,343 --> 00:01:09,430
Oh. Uh…

37
00:01:09,513 --> 00:01:11,265
Do you want this up?

38
00:01:11,348 --> 00:01:13,100
- Yes. Yes, I do.
- Really?

39
00:01:13,183 --> 00:01:16,186
Uh, may I help you gentlemen
with something?

40
00:01:16,270 --> 00:01:18,313
Yeah, yeah. Actually,
we're here because we want

41
00:01:18,397 --> 00:01:20,774
to get our bar certified
as a historic landmark.

42
00:01:20,858 --> 00:01:23,026
We want tourists to be able
to come by Paddy's Pub

43
00:01:23,110 --> 00:01:24,695
as part of
the walking tour of Philly.

44
00:01:24,778 --> 00:01:26,989
You know, they can come by,
soak up some history,

45
00:01:27,072 --> 00:01:28,449
do some shots, get blasted.

46
00:01:28,532 --> 00:01:31,535
In order to be considered
as a historical site,

47
00:01:31,618 --> 00:01:36,123
your bar would have to have
some historical significance.

48
00:01:36,206 --> 00:01:38,000
Well, trust us
when we tell you that Paddy's Pub

49
00:01:38,083 --> 00:01:40,878
played an extremely
important part in history.

50
00:01:40,961 --> 00:01:43,797
Mmm-hmm. And what part
of history might that be?

51
00:01:43,881 --> 00:01:46,175
The cracking of
the Liberty Bell, of course.

52
00:02:18,999 --> 00:02:21,960
So you're claiming
that your bar

53
00:02:22,044 --> 00:02:25,798
had a direct role
in the cracking of the Liberty Bell?

54
00:02:25,881 --> 00:02:28,008
- Absolutely.
- Then tell me about it.

55
00:02:28,092 --> 00:02:29,593
Well, the year was 1412…

56
00:02:29,676 --> 00:02:31,261
Oh, oh. Oh, oh, no. Really?

57
00:02:31,345 --> 00:02:32,679
Let Dennis. Let Dennis.

58
00:02:32,763 --> 00:02:33,806
Let me tell
the story, Charlie.

59
00:02:33,889 --> 00:02:35,474
- Okay.
- Yeah.

60
00:02:35,557 --> 00:02:38,936
The year was 1776.
And Paddy's Pub,

61
00:02:39,019 --> 00:02:41,480
then known, of course,
as Patrick's Pub,

62
00:02:41,563 --> 00:02:44,691
was a hotbed
of revolutionary activity.

63
00:02:44,775 --> 00:02:47,945
Revolutionaries from all over
the country had come together

64
00:02:48,028 --> 00:02:49,530
to gather at Patrick's Pub

65
00:02:49,613 --> 00:02:52,574
to speak of war
and revolution.

66
00:02:52,658 --> 00:02:55,452
Will you look at that?
Sons of Liberty.

67
00:02:55,536 --> 00:02:59,248
Patriots meeting in our bar
speaking of revolution and freedom.

68
00:02:59,331 --> 00:03:00,332
Can you believe it,
dear brother?

69
00:03:00,416 --> 00:03:02,042
We're witnessing history
in the making.

70
00:03:02,126 --> 00:03:05,504
I do not give a shit, Deandra.
Now get me a flagon of ale.

71
00:03:05,587 --> 00:03:06,630
Get your own ale, dick.

72
00:03:06,714 --> 00:03:08,716
Uh-uh!
You are my slave.

73
00:03:08,799 --> 00:03:10,759
You have to get me
flagons of ale.

74
00:03:10,843 --> 00:03:13,554
I saved you from being
burned at the stake for being a witch!

75
00:03:13,637 --> 00:03:15,055
You're the one who
accused me of being a witch

76
00:03:15,139 --> 00:03:16,473
in the first place, Dennis!

77
00:03:16,557 --> 00:03:18,726
Oh, well, what's done is done.
That's all in the past now.

78
00:03:18,809 --> 00:03:20,728
So you can either be a slave
witch in the bar

79
00:03:20,811 --> 00:03:22,521
or you can be a burned-up witch outside.

80
00:03:22,604 --> 00:03:25,149
Up to you!
Flagon of ale now?

81
00:03:25,232 --> 00:03:26,358
Guys, guys, guys!

82
00:03:26,442 --> 00:03:28,736
I've got some news.
I've got some terrible news.

83
00:03:28,819 --> 00:03:30,529
Oh, McDonald, how goes it?

84
00:03:30,612 --> 00:03:32,197
Not good.
You know that chick

85
00:03:32,281 --> 00:03:33,574
I've been banging
down at Independence Hall?

86
00:03:33,657 --> 00:03:35,075
- Mmm, the fat one.
- Well, she's not that fat.

87
00:03:35,159 --> 00:03:36,160
- Yeah, she's pretty fat, dude.
- Pretty fat.

88
00:03:36,243 --> 00:03:37,995
- Good one, witch.
- Well, whatever.

89
00:03:38,078 --> 00:03:39,371
She told me
in complete confidence

90
00:03:39,455 --> 00:03:42,666
that a bunch of old dudes
down there are drafting a declaration.

91
00:03:42,750 --> 00:03:45,335
A declaration
of independence.

92
00:03:45,419 --> 00:03:46,962
Wait. Why would we want
to be free from the British?

93
00:03:47,046 --> 00:03:48,881
This declaration is gonna
start an all-out war.

94
00:03:48,964 --> 00:03:51,175
We have to make sure we are
not on the losing side!

95
00:03:51,258 --> 00:03:52,509
- Definitely.
- Okay, clearly the British

96
00:03:52,593 --> 00:03:53,677
- are gonna win this thing.
- Clearly.

97
00:03:53,761 --> 00:03:55,387
All right. We have to make sure
that the Crown knows

98
00:03:55,471 --> 00:03:56,930
that we're on their side.

99
00:03:57,014 --> 00:03:59,058
We have to make
our own declaration.

100
00:03:59,141 --> 00:04:00,768
Yes.

101
00:04:00,851 --> 00:04:04,646
Yes. We need to make
a declaration of dependence.

102
00:04:09,693 --> 00:04:11,278
Buy your pelts here.

103
00:04:11,362 --> 00:04:13,947
We have raccoon.
We have foxes.

104
00:04:14,031 --> 00:04:16,950
Oh! Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!
Ho there, sir.

105
00:04:17,034 --> 00:04:18,702
- Now, my good gentleman…
- Mmm!

106
00:04:18,786 --> 00:04:21,330
…what says you of my fine furs here?

107
00:04:21,413 --> 00:04:24,208
Merrily, I be able to guide
you towards some interest

108
00:04:24,291 --> 00:04:25,542
in some purchase?

109
00:04:25,626 --> 00:04:27,002
I can't understand
what you're saying.

110
00:04:27,086 --> 00:04:28,295
- You wanna buy a fur?
- Yeah!

111
00:04:28,379 --> 00:04:30,422
In July? No, thanks.

112
00:04:30,506 --> 00:04:33,342
Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Not so fast now.

113
00:04:33,425 --> 00:04:35,677
It's a nice-looking cart
of pumpkins you got here.

114
00:04:35,761 --> 00:04:37,596
- Mmm!
- Uh, what says you we maketh

115
00:04:37,679 --> 00:04:41,725
some trade? All my furs
for all your pumpkins?

116
00:04:41,809 --> 00:04:42,810
No.

117
00:04:42,893 --> 00:04:44,978
All right.
I… I…

118
00:04:45,062 --> 00:04:47,022
One pumpkin.

119
00:04:47,106 --> 00:04:48,107
Deal.

120
00:04:48,190 --> 00:04:49,525
- All right then!
- Wait, wait, wait! Whoa,

121
00:04:49,608 --> 00:04:50,859
Charlie, Charlie, Charlie!

122
00:04:50,943 --> 00:04:53,529
We're not traders, Charlie.
We're thieves.

123
00:04:53,612 --> 00:04:54,947
You want his pumpkins?

124
00:04:55,030 --> 00:04:56,573
We kill him
and take his pumpkins!

125
00:04:56,657 --> 00:04:59,326
This is 1776!

126
00:04:59,410 --> 00:05:01,370
We'll get away with it!

127
00:05:01,453 --> 00:05:02,871
I can hear you.

128
00:05:02,955 --> 00:05:05,124
Yeah, all right. Very good.
This is how it will go down.

129
00:05:05,207 --> 00:05:07,501
I will beat the man
about the face and the neck

130
00:05:07,584 --> 00:05:09,461
and maybe the chest area
and possibly the groin…

131
00:05:09,545 --> 00:05:11,171
- Eh?
- …until he's no longer consisting

132
00:05:11,255 --> 00:05:12,423
of life pulse. Life pulse.

133
00:05:12,506 --> 00:05:15,175
And then you can collect up
the man's cart.

134
00:05:15,259 --> 00:05:17,177
I shall findeth a stick.

135
00:05:17,261 --> 00:05:20,723
Yes! Well, we'll need
a stick to do the bashing. Sit tight, sir.

136
00:05:20,806 --> 00:05:22,891
Pick a stick.
Any stick you like.

137
00:05:22,975 --> 00:05:25,352
All right. Well, methinks the rod
to be the most suitable for our purposes.

138
00:05:25,436 --> 00:05:26,770
Ah, very nice rod.
Go with that rod.

139
00:05:26,854 --> 00:05:29,773
Okey-dokey-dokey-doo!
Uh-oh! He's gone.

140
00:05:29,857 --> 00:05:32,276
What! He stole our furs!

141
00:05:32,359 --> 00:05:34,361
Yep. Yep, yep, yep,
yep, yep, yep.

142
00:05:34,445 --> 00:05:35,612
You shithead!

143
00:05:35,696 --> 00:05:37,531
Hey, look on
the bright side, Franklin.

144
00:05:37,614 --> 00:05:40,284
We got ourselves
a pumpkin.

145
00:05:40,367 --> 00:05:42,161
This is gonna work.

146
00:05:45,372 --> 00:05:47,041
I can't believe
you dressed like that, bro.

147
00:05:47,124 --> 00:05:48,751
Um, excuse me,
this is a good plan.

148
00:05:48,834 --> 00:05:51,128
Okay? If we're gonna get this declaration
into the hands of the Queen,

149
00:05:51,211 --> 00:05:52,546
we need to dress the part.

150
00:05:52,629 --> 00:05:54,214
That's not the way
the British dress, bro.

151
00:05:54,298 --> 00:05:55,299
- They dress like this.
- No.

152
00:05:55,382 --> 00:05:57,176
British commoners
dress like you're dressed.

153
00:05:57,259 --> 00:05:59,595
British peons. Okay?
I'm dressed like a nobleman, okay?

154
00:05:59,678 --> 00:06:01,430
These people respond
to royalty.

155
00:06:01,513 --> 00:06:03,182
Hey. Hey, guys.

156
00:06:03,265 --> 00:06:04,641
Come on. Please help.

157
00:06:04,725 --> 00:06:06,477
Just use your
witch strength, slave.

158
00:06:06,560 --> 00:06:08,937
Yeah. It's not
that much further. God!

159
00:06:09,021 --> 00:06:11,440
Uh, pardon me.
Pardon me, good sirs.

160
00:06:11,523 --> 00:06:13,734
But, which of you gentlemen
happens to be

161
00:06:13,817 --> 00:06:16,320
the highest-ranking
military officer here?

162
00:06:16,403 --> 00:06:18,030
That would be me.

163
00:06:20,324 --> 00:06:22,868
Cricket.
Colonel Cricket.

164
00:06:24,828 --> 00:06:26,580
What is
your business, sirs?

165
00:06:26,663 --> 00:06:28,457
Ah, well, Colonel,
we are the owners

166
00:06:28,540 --> 00:06:31,502
of the fine local
establishment, Patrick's Pub.

167
00:06:31,585 --> 00:06:34,254
- Ah. Patrick's Pub.
- Yeah.

168
00:06:34,338 --> 00:06:36,423
Yes, of course.
Of course.

169
00:06:36,507 --> 00:06:40,094
The liberty bar, huh?
You harbor patriots.

170
00:06:40,177 --> 00:06:41,220
- Oh, whoops. No, no, no.
- No!

171
00:06:41,303 --> 00:06:42,971
- No, nayeth.
- Nayeth. Bad intel there.

172
00:06:43,055 --> 00:06:44,056
- Yeah, bad intel.
- Yes.

173
00:06:44,139 --> 00:06:45,391
- Bit of a miscommunication. Actually…
- Yeah.

174
00:06:45,474 --> 00:06:49,019
…that is why we're here.
Uh, we drew up this declaration.

175
00:06:49,103 --> 00:06:53,065
We also included an illustration
that we had hoped would illuminate

176
00:06:53,148 --> 00:06:55,150
our intentions
towards the Queen, huh?

177
00:06:56,485 --> 00:07:00,072
This appears to be
a rendering of

178
00:07:00,155 --> 00:07:02,950
the two of you
sodomizing the King,

179
00:07:03,033 --> 00:07:05,786
whilst the Queen
is forced to witness.

180
00:07:05,869 --> 00:07:06,954
- Oh, goodness gracious, no!
- No.

181
00:07:07,037 --> 00:07:09,498
No! Look. I'm holding
homeboy's arms back.

182
00:07:09,581 --> 00:07:11,625
- Yeah.
- Dennis is ready to jam him in the face.

183
00:07:11,709 --> 00:07:12,960
- Yeah.
- The Queen is impressed.

184
00:07:13,043 --> 00:07:14,503
Yeah. That's a bad guy.
That's not the King.

185
00:07:14,586 --> 00:07:16,046
- We're doing bad stuff to the bad…
- Give me this.

186
00:07:16,130 --> 00:07:17,923
- You don't get it?
- Let's get the ale. The ale.

187
00:07:18,006 --> 00:07:20,384
Wench, now the ale.
Presenteth it.

188
00:07:20,467 --> 00:07:23,512
Okay, set that down in front of him.
And yes, good Colonel,

189
00:07:23,595 --> 00:07:26,014
we present this ale to you
and your men

190
00:07:26,098 --> 00:07:29,435
in hopes that it will fuel
the British to victory.

191
00:07:29,518 --> 00:07:30,686
Madam.

192
00:07:31,729 --> 00:07:32,730
Whoa! Hey!

193
00:07:32,813 --> 00:07:33,814
- What the hell are you doing?
- Come on!

194
00:07:33,897 --> 00:07:35,691
Get out of here!
You're making things worse!

195
00:07:35,774 --> 00:07:37,317
- Get back to the bar!
- Flee! Fly!

196
00:07:37,401 --> 00:07:40,654
- I'm really sorry. That was huge.
- Yeah. Yeah, that's, you know…

197
00:07:40,738 --> 00:07:43,240
That hit you right in the face, didn't it?

198
00:07:43,323 --> 00:07:44,324
- Oh, man.
- We don't condone that sort of thing,

199
00:07:44,408 --> 00:07:45,409
- okay? We're gonna…
- No.

200
00:07:45,492 --> 00:07:47,202
…tar and feather the shit out of her
when she gets back.

201
00:07:47,286 --> 00:07:48,704
Don't worry. Don't worry.

202
00:07:48,787 --> 00:07:53,208
I pray you,
who is that fiery wench?

203
00:07:53,292 --> 00:07:56,045
Her? Oh, that's just my sister, Deandra.
She's our slave.

204
00:07:56,128 --> 00:07:58,088
- Yeah. And a witch.
- Yeah.

205
00:07:58,172 --> 00:07:59,923
You keep your sister
as your slave?

206
00:08:00,007 --> 00:08:02,301
Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Aye.

207
00:08:02,384 --> 00:08:04,845
So are we good here now?
What's the deal?

208
00:08:04,928 --> 00:08:07,389
Gentlemen,
you have both proven to me

209
00:08:07,473 --> 00:08:09,016
in the very short time
that I have known you

210
00:08:09,099 --> 00:08:11,393
that you are both
slanderous perverts

211
00:08:11,477 --> 00:08:13,687
lacking any semblance
of moral fortitude.

212
00:08:13,771 --> 00:08:19,109
However, I do desire to seek
further counsel with the lady.

213
00:08:19,193 --> 00:08:22,321
The lady?
Uh, the… The witch?

214
00:08:22,404 --> 00:08:24,239
The same girl we've
just been talking about?

215
00:08:24,323 --> 00:08:27,034
You don't really think
she's a witch, do you?

216
00:08:27,117 --> 00:08:29,495
Yeah.
Yeah, she's a witch.

217
00:08:29,578 --> 00:08:32,206
I… Yeah, I'm pretty sure.
Pretty sure.

218
00:08:32,289 --> 00:08:33,874
All right, look.

219
00:08:33,957 --> 00:08:38,003
I wish to court her
in some manner,

220
00:08:38,087 --> 00:08:42,383
and I could use your help,
because I'm not, admittedly,

221
00:08:42,466 --> 00:08:44,676
very good with women.

222
00:08:45,928 --> 00:08:48,013
"Good with women"?
You mean, good at women?

223
00:08:48,097 --> 00:08:50,015
Like you can't catch them
when they run away from you?

224
00:08:50,099 --> 00:08:52,601
Bro, it's 1776.
They don't have any rights.

225
00:08:52,684 --> 00:08:54,561
You can just take 'em and force 'em
to do whatever you want.

226
00:08:54,645 --> 00:08:58,232
I do not wish to take her.
I would like to win her favor,

227
00:08:58,315 --> 00:09:00,234
like a gentleman does a lady.

228
00:09:00,317 --> 00:09:01,694
That just does not
compute with me.

229
00:09:01,777 --> 00:09:03,112
I don't understand
what you're saying.

230
00:09:03,195 --> 00:09:04,613
Diggin' the accent
but don't understand you.

231
00:09:04,697 --> 00:09:06,115
Are you saying you're gay?

232
00:09:06,198 --> 00:09:08,283
All right!
Escort them out!

233
00:09:08,367 --> 00:09:10,077
Oh, no. We, we, we… Okay.

234
00:09:10,160 --> 00:09:11,328
Are you gonna
drink the beer?

235
00:09:11,412 --> 00:09:13,080
- No. Leave it. Out.
- Just drink the beer.

236
00:09:13,163 --> 00:09:14,665
Maybe you'll get some balls
and you can take the woman.

237
00:09:14,748 --> 00:09:16,542
Yeah. All right.
Well, I'm just saying.

238
00:09:20,379 --> 00:09:21,380
- Higher.
- Ready?

239
00:09:21,463 --> 00:09:22,464
- Yes.
- All right.

240
00:09:22,548 --> 00:09:25,384
- Shoot.
- One, two,

241
00:09:25,467 --> 00:09:26,927
- three…
- Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

242
00:09:27,010 --> 00:09:30,305
Do not shoot that pumpkin!
What are you doing?

243
00:09:30,389 --> 00:09:33,142
I stole a bunch of guns.
I'm testin' 'em out, Charles.

244
00:09:33,225 --> 00:09:36,353
This revolution
is gonna make us a fortune.

245
00:09:36,437 --> 00:09:37,855
All right. Well,
leave the pumpkin out of it.

246
00:09:37,938 --> 00:09:39,898
- The pumpkin's innocent.
- Shoot the pumpkin.

247
00:09:39,982 --> 00:09:41,442
Do not shoot
the pumpkin, please.

248
00:09:41,525 --> 00:09:42,901
Okay.

249
00:09:42,985 --> 00:09:44,945
- Give me the gun.
- Fine.

250
00:09:45,029 --> 00:09:46,989
And why is the witch slave
shooting at you anyway?

251
00:09:47,072 --> 00:09:49,616
Maybe she used her sorcery.

252
00:09:49,700 --> 00:09:52,453
Sorcery? Your dumb-dick
partner walked into the bar,

253
00:09:52,536 --> 00:09:54,747
said he stole a bunch of guns
and asked if I wanted to shoot

254
00:09:54,830 --> 00:09:57,750
a pumpkin off his head.
And of course I did, so here we are.

255
00:09:57,833 --> 00:10:00,085
- Damn your necromancy, woman!
- Oh, my God.

256
00:10:00,169 --> 00:10:02,212
Maybe if we shoot you, you
won't feel it anyway, witch.

257
00:10:02,296 --> 00:10:03,881
- Yeah. Shoot her.
- You know what? Okay, you guys.

258
00:10:03,964 --> 00:10:05,466
I tell you what. You win.

259
00:10:05,549 --> 00:10:07,926
I'm a witch, okay?
I'm a witch,

260
00:10:08,010 --> 00:10:10,637
and I curse both of you
and all of your stupid guns.

261
00:10:11,972 --> 00:10:14,767
- Charlie! God damn it!
- Give me that gun!

262
00:10:14,850 --> 00:10:16,060
- It didn't work!
- She cursed the gun.

263
00:10:16,143 --> 00:10:17,978
She cursed the gun.

264
00:10:18,062 --> 00:10:19,605
She put a curse
on the gun!

265
00:10:19,688 --> 00:10:21,315
Let's try this one.

266
00:10:21,398 --> 00:10:22,983
Nothin'!

267
00:10:23,067 --> 00:10:24,276
Try me!

268
00:10:31,742 --> 00:10:34,036
Man, those Sons of Liberty
sons of bitches, Dennis.

269
00:10:34,119 --> 00:10:35,704
Those guys are gonna get us
in so much trouble.

270
00:10:35,788 --> 00:10:37,915
- Let's do this.
- No, no, no, no! You hang back.

271
00:10:37,998 --> 00:10:39,625
What? Me? Why?

272
00:10:39,708 --> 00:10:41,168
Because we need to get as much intel

273
00:10:41,251 --> 00:10:42,419
from these guys
as we possibly can

274
00:10:42,503 --> 00:10:43,545
- for that Colonel Cricket.
- Yeah?

275
00:10:43,629 --> 00:10:44,963
This fop thing's gonna
totally blow our cover.

276
00:10:45,047 --> 00:10:46,715
What's goin' on
with your mouth?

277
00:10:46,799 --> 00:10:48,217
- Oh, I got some wooden teeth put in.
- Did you?

278
00:10:48,300 --> 00:10:50,260
Yeah. All the patriots are doing it,
including Washington,

279
00:10:50,344 --> 00:10:52,638
which is why it makes sense, okay,
if we're going undercover!

280
00:10:52,721 --> 00:10:53,889
Not this fop bullshit!

281
00:10:53,972 --> 00:10:57,476
No. The fop thing's good, man.
I got a plan with it. Yeah. Got an angle.

282
00:10:57,559 --> 00:10:59,186
Fine. Okay, listen.

283
00:10:59,269 --> 00:11:00,729
You let me
take the lead, okay?

284
00:11:00,813 --> 00:11:01,897
Yeah, okay.

285
00:11:01,980 --> 00:11:04,108
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.
You son of a bitch.

286
00:11:05,776 --> 00:11:09,488
Fellas! How you doin'?
A couple of flagons of ale for ya.

287
00:11:09,571 --> 00:11:11,365
So I just want to say

288
00:11:11,448 --> 00:11:13,283
we love what you're
doing over here.

289
00:11:13,367 --> 00:11:15,911
I mean, taxation with
representation, right?

290
00:11:15,994 --> 00:11:18,038
So, uh,
what's the buzz, huh?

291
00:11:18,122 --> 00:11:19,331
What are we all
talking about, huh?

292
00:11:19,415 --> 00:11:22,876
Surrender maybe?

293
00:11:22,960 --> 00:11:24,962
We speak of revolution.

294
00:11:25,045 --> 00:11:26,839
Revolution?
Revolution?

295
00:11:26,922 --> 00:11:27,923
That's great!

296
00:11:28,006 --> 00:11:29,299
I'm completely
on top of that!

297
00:11:29,383 --> 00:11:31,301
Hey, fellas, who's taking
the minutes here?

298
00:11:31,385 --> 00:11:32,553
'Cause I feel like
I could be an asset

299
00:11:32,636 --> 00:11:33,971
- to you as a secretary.
- Yes.

300
00:11:34,054 --> 00:11:36,807
Let's start by taking
down all of their names,

301
00:11:36,890 --> 00:11:38,183
first and last,
please.

302
00:11:38,267 --> 00:11:39,393
Son of a bitch.

303
00:11:39,476 --> 00:11:41,937
Gentlemen, I think
this meeting is adjourned.

304
00:11:42,020 --> 00:11:43,272
Huh?

305
00:11:45,190 --> 00:11:47,151
Son of a bitch, dude!

306
00:11:47,234 --> 00:11:49,528
What are you doing with the accent
and the British… God damn it!

307
00:11:49,611 --> 00:11:51,280
Yeah, no, no,
I just decided to go a different way.

308
00:11:51,363 --> 00:11:53,115
- The spy thing wasn't really working.
- Yeah? What way was that?

309
00:11:53,198 --> 00:11:55,534
Well, your wooden teeth, whistle-y
tooth thing? That was bad.

310
00:11:55,617 --> 00:11:56,952
I think my teeth
were a smashing success.

311
00:11:57,036 --> 00:11:58,412
We are in
dire straits here, okay?

312
00:11:58,495 --> 00:11:59,872
We need a change of plans.
I think the only way

313
00:11:59,955 --> 00:12:01,832
we're gonna convince these people
that we're on their side

314
00:12:01,915 --> 00:12:05,044
is to become 100% British.

315
00:12:05,127 --> 00:12:06,211
To become British?

316
00:12:06,295 --> 00:12:07,463
We gotta commit
to the fop thing.

317
00:12:07,546 --> 00:12:09,089
That actually seems
pretty sensible, Dennis.

318
00:12:09,173 --> 00:12:10,174
Yeah. No more S's for you.

319
00:12:12,134 --> 00:12:14,261
It's just
so cramped in here.

320
00:12:14,344 --> 00:12:16,972
I mean, you'd think people
who came here so many years

321
00:12:17,056 --> 00:12:18,265
before the English,

322
00:12:18,348 --> 00:12:19,933
you'd think they'd
build bigger houses.

323
00:12:20,017 --> 00:12:21,268
Yeah, you'd think they'd
have huge homes, right?

324
00:12:21,351 --> 00:12:23,604
- Yeah!
- What is the sleeping situation in here?

325
00:12:23,687 --> 00:12:25,105
You think this father
and son are sleeping

326
00:12:25,189 --> 00:12:26,190
on the same bearskin together?

327
00:12:26,273 --> 00:12:28,400
Probably. Where else
are they gonna sleep?

328
00:12:28,484 --> 00:12:30,110
- What a bunch of losers!
- Oh, I'm telling you.

329
00:12:30,194 --> 00:12:32,363
It's a bunch of inbred savages.

330
00:12:32,446 --> 00:12:34,198
I speak English.

331
00:12:34,281 --> 00:12:36,825
Oh, shit! For real?

332
00:12:36,909 --> 00:12:39,036
- Yes.
- Oh, that's not good.

333
00:12:39,119 --> 00:12:40,662
- We didn't mean to…
- Our bad then.

334
00:12:40,746 --> 00:12:41,747
Hey, so tell me.

335
00:12:41,830 --> 00:12:43,374
How much land are you
gonna give away

336
00:12:43,457 --> 00:12:44,875
- for a pumpkin these days?
- Wait, whoa, whoa, whoa.

337
00:12:44,958 --> 00:12:46,168
Charlie, Charlie, listen.

338
00:12:46,251 --> 00:12:49,588
What we need
is your magical powers…

339
00:12:49,671 --> 00:12:52,925
- Yeah.
- …to lift the curses from our guns.

340
00:12:54,176 --> 00:12:55,636
Okay? We're gonna pay ya.

341
00:12:55,719 --> 00:12:57,096
Oh, yeah.
We gotta pay ya.

342
00:12:57,179 --> 00:12:58,430
We'll give you this.

343
00:12:58,514 --> 00:13:00,140
We brought this for you.

344
00:13:00,224 --> 00:13:01,225
- Booze!
- Booze.

345
00:13:01,308 --> 00:13:03,102
Right? Makes you feel good.
Helps you sleep.

346
00:13:03,185 --> 00:13:05,521
Brings the tribe together.

347
00:13:12,986 --> 00:13:17,366
Oh! Oh! That young Indian
was fast with the tomahawk.

348
00:13:17,449 --> 00:13:19,410
And he really lobbed a big
hunk off your head up here.

349
00:13:19,493 --> 00:13:20,494
Oh, yeah.

350
00:13:20,577 --> 00:13:22,079
It's gonna make me
look deformed.

351
00:13:22,162 --> 00:13:24,206
Yeah. You're gonna be deformed
for the rest of your life.

352
00:13:24,289 --> 00:13:25,708
Give me that skunk pelt.

353
00:13:25,791 --> 00:13:28,836
I'll use it for hair.
Don't push, don't push, don't push!

354
00:13:28,919 --> 00:13:30,212
All right.

355
00:13:30,295 --> 00:13:31,422
Does it look cool?

356
00:13:31,505 --> 00:13:33,257
It looks pretty good.

357
00:13:33,340 --> 00:13:34,466
Lady Deandra.

358
00:13:34,550 --> 00:13:35,968
Yes? Can I help you?

359
00:13:37,136 --> 00:13:38,220
Colonel Cricket.

360
00:13:39,638 --> 00:13:41,265
We met the other day?

361
00:13:42,683 --> 00:13:45,310
I was the one
you delivered the keg to?

362
00:13:46,895 --> 00:13:48,021
You spit in my face.

363
00:13:48,105 --> 00:13:49,898
Oh, yep, yep.
There it is. Mmm-hmm.

364
00:13:49,982 --> 00:13:51,692
Indeed.

365
00:13:51,775 --> 00:13:54,403
Forgive my rather
unadorned approach, but…

366
00:13:54,486 --> 00:13:55,696
Mmm-hmm.

367
00:13:55,779 --> 00:13:57,364
…from the first moment
I laid my eyes on you…

368
00:13:57,448 --> 00:13:59,533
- Mmm.
- …I was smitten.

369
00:13:59,616 --> 00:14:01,618
- Mmm-hmm.
- Perhaps my impatience

370
00:14:01,702 --> 00:14:05,039
has gotten the best of me,
but if you will have me,

371
00:14:05,122 --> 00:14:07,416
I would be most honored

372
00:14:07,499 --> 00:14:09,460
to call you my wife.

373
00:14:14,089 --> 00:14:15,883
A simple "no"
would have sufficed.

374
00:14:15,966 --> 00:14:18,343
Hey, hey.

375
00:14:18,427 --> 00:14:19,636
Okay. All right.

376
00:14:19,720 --> 00:14:21,055
That one got in my mouth.
That's really not cool.

377
00:14:21,138 --> 00:14:24,433
You listen to me, you pale-faced
English dick-hole.

378
00:14:24,516 --> 00:14:26,310
You got
a revolution coming.

379
00:14:26,393 --> 00:14:28,353
And pretty soon all of the slaves
are gonna be free,

380
00:14:28,437 --> 00:14:30,522
and I will be owned
by no man.

381
00:14:32,107 --> 00:14:33,984
- I am a fool…
- Yeah.

382
00:14:34,068 --> 00:14:37,488
…having allowed myself
to imagine us

383
00:14:37,571 --> 00:14:39,698
back in my sprawling manor
in England.

384
00:14:39,782 --> 00:14:42,659
You on my arm adorned
in magnificent garments,

385
00:14:42,743 --> 00:14:44,286
dressed in
the finest jewels and…

386
00:14:44,370 --> 00:14:46,038
Whoa, whoa, Cricks.
Back it up a little bit.

387
00:14:46,121 --> 00:14:48,332
You're talking about
garments and jewelry?

388
00:14:48,415 --> 00:14:52,378
But alas,
my love cannot mend our differences.

389
00:14:52,461 --> 00:14:54,755
Oh, no. Wait, wait, wait, wait!
Your love… Your love can.

390
00:14:54,838 --> 00:14:57,424
Your love is… Your love
is currently doing that.

391
00:14:57,508 --> 00:14:58,842
So you just…

392
00:14:58,926 --> 00:15:00,761
you didn't mention anything
about the sprawling manor

393
00:15:00,844 --> 00:15:01,970
and all the garments.

394
00:15:02,054 --> 00:15:03,180
That was stupid.

395
00:15:03,263 --> 00:15:04,431
I thought you
just said that you…

396
00:15:04,515 --> 00:15:07,184
Yeah, I did.
But it's your love, it's like…

397
00:15:07,267 --> 00:15:09,770
It's filling me up
with all kinds of stuff…

398
00:15:09,853 --> 00:15:12,356
- Is it?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, it is! Let's do this!

399
00:15:12,439 --> 00:15:13,857
- What?
- Let's get married! Yeah!

400
00:15:13,941 --> 00:15:15,859
Oh, Lady Deandra.

401
00:15:15,943 --> 00:15:17,444
- Yes.
- You have made me

402
00:15:17,528 --> 00:15:20,114
- the happiest man alive!
- Ew!

403
00:15:20,197 --> 00:15:22,533
We're gonna have to work up to that,
though, 'cause you are crazy ugly.

404
00:15:22,616 --> 00:15:26,036
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Keep your pants on, curly.

405
00:15:26,120 --> 00:15:27,413
- Yeah.
- You want the slave?

406
00:15:27,496 --> 00:15:29,206
You gotta pay for the slave!

407
00:15:29,289 --> 00:15:30,874
- What?
- I'm sorry?

408
00:15:30,958 --> 00:15:32,668
We're not gonna give her
to you for free.

409
00:15:32,751 --> 00:15:34,795
- Yeah.
- You gotta sweeten the pot.

410
00:15:34,878 --> 00:15:36,755
Huh?

411
00:15:36,839 --> 00:15:39,425
- How'd you like to buy some guns?
- Yeah.

412
00:15:40,551 --> 00:15:41,844
Guns?

413
00:15:43,470 --> 00:15:45,180
I shall buy your guns.

414
00:15:45,264 --> 00:15:46,974
- Yes!
- I shall buy your guns!

415
00:15:47,057 --> 00:15:48,183
No, no, no, no.
Not yet. Not yet.

416
00:15:48,267 --> 00:15:50,769
Hey. Hey, hey,
hey, hey. Hey.

417
00:15:52,855 --> 00:15:55,023
Why does he keep
spitting in my mouth?

418
00:15:55,107 --> 00:15:57,609
Who is this man?

419
00:16:01,405 --> 00:16:03,407
Ah, hello to you, sirs.

420
00:16:03,490 --> 00:16:05,117
And to you, ladies.

421
00:16:05,200 --> 00:16:06,869
These heels are almost
impossible to walk in.

422
00:16:06,952 --> 00:16:08,537
Get over it,
dude. You gotta walk in them, okay?

423
00:16:08,620 --> 00:16:09,747
Now let me hear the voice.

424
00:16:09,830 --> 00:16:11,331
No. I don't think the voice
is entirely necessary.

425
00:16:11,415 --> 00:16:13,459
- So I'm not gonna do it.
- Bro, if we're gonna wipe away

426
00:16:13,542 --> 00:16:16,003
all traces of our colonial background
and blend in with British culture,

427
00:16:16,086 --> 00:16:18,088
we need to walk the walk
and we need to talk the talk.

428
00:16:18,172 --> 00:16:19,214
Fine. How do you do it?

429
00:16:19,298 --> 00:16:20,924
Your voice needs to come off

430
00:16:21,008 --> 00:16:22,634
as elegant as your clothing.

431
00:16:22,718 --> 00:16:26,305
Okay? So try this.

432
00:16:26,388 --> 00:16:27,639
Would you like
a spot of tea?

433
00:16:27,723 --> 00:16:32,519
You, "Yes!"

434
00:16:32,603 --> 00:16:36,774
Would you like a spot of tea? Yes!

435
00:16:36,857 --> 00:16:38,317
- Draw it out more.
- Draw it out more than that?

436
00:16:38,400 --> 00:16:39,902
- Oh, yes. Yes.
- More than that.

437
00:16:39,985 --> 00:16:43,030
Yes!

438
00:16:43,113 --> 00:16:44,448
- Yeah, but…
- That's good.

439
00:16:44,531 --> 00:16:46,950
You know what? Those wooden teeth
are killing me. That lisp is stupid.

440
00:16:47,034 --> 00:16:48,952
I think the wooden teeth are the whole
thing that's saving this thing.

441
00:16:49,036 --> 00:16:50,245
- You sound ridiculous.
- No, I don't.

442
00:16:50,329 --> 00:16:51,538
I think it sounds pretty good.
I'm not losing the teeth.

443
00:16:51,622 --> 00:16:52,664
- Let's just move past that.
- Let's keep walking.

444
00:16:52,748 --> 00:16:55,209
Let's keep walking.
Okay, try it again, try it again.

445
00:16:55,292 --> 00:16:57,795
Yes!

446
00:16:57,878 --> 00:16:59,463
Yes!

447
00:16:59,546 --> 00:17:02,341
Yes!

448
00:17:02,424 --> 00:17:03,509
Yes!

449
00:17:03,592 --> 00:17:06,261
Good, good, good.
Now flourish the pinkie.

450
00:17:06,345 --> 00:17:07,346
Flourish the pinkie.

451
00:17:07,429 --> 00:17:08,597
Yes!

452
00:17:08,680 --> 00:17:09,890
Yes!

453
00:17:09,973 --> 00:17:12,226
Well, what have we got here?

454
00:17:12,309 --> 00:17:15,270
A pair of poofs
about town.

455
00:17:15,354 --> 00:17:19,024
Sodomites in frilly lace.

456
00:17:19,108 --> 00:17:20,901
- Oh! No, no!
- No! Nayeth!

457
00:17:20,984 --> 00:17:22,152
- Oh, nayeth, nayeth! No!
- Nayeth, no!

458
00:17:22,236 --> 00:17:25,239
We are simply two noble
British men out on a stroll.

459
00:17:25,322 --> 00:17:26,699
- Yes, yes, yes.
- Good day, sir.

460
00:17:26,782 --> 00:17:28,325
- Good day!
- Oh, goodness.

461
00:17:28,409 --> 00:17:30,577
Oh.

462
00:17:30,661 --> 00:17:33,997
Boys, get the tar.

463
00:17:35,666 --> 00:17:37,501
Shit.

464
00:17:37,584 --> 00:17:39,128
Deandra,

465
00:17:39,211 --> 00:17:41,296
come and help me count my gold.

466
00:17:41,380 --> 00:17:43,132
I'm not your slave
anymore, Franklin.

467
00:17:43,215 --> 00:17:45,217
I'm about to go live like the goddamn
Queen of England

468
00:17:45,300 --> 00:17:47,177
and never see
you two bitches again.

469
00:17:47,261 --> 00:17:50,013
Charles, I told you
the revolution pays.

470
00:17:50,097 --> 00:17:52,516
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
But look at this, huh?

471
00:17:52,599 --> 00:17:54,601
Guys,
there is a full-fledged revolution

472
00:17:54,685 --> 00:17:55,978
happening outside right now!

473
00:17:56,061 --> 00:17:59,022
It is a bloodbath!
We have got to do something!

474
00:17:59,106 --> 00:18:00,190
- Whoa! Whoa!
- What?

475
00:18:00,274 --> 00:18:02,025
Let's back up and talk
about what this is.

476
00:18:02,109 --> 00:18:04,069
No, this is not important.
This is not important right now! Okay?

477
00:18:04,153 --> 00:18:05,696
Oh, I think
it's very important!

478
00:18:05,779 --> 00:18:07,322
There's a war happening outside.
And we need to…

479
00:18:07,406 --> 00:18:08,741
We were acting like British nobleman.

480
00:18:08,824 --> 00:18:10,325
And then he couldn't drop
the she-male thing.

481
00:18:10,409 --> 00:18:11,744
So we got tarred and feathered

482
00:18:11,827 --> 00:18:13,662
- for being sodomites!
- Well, it is not

483
00:18:13,746 --> 00:18:15,039
a she-male thing.

484
00:18:15,122 --> 00:18:17,166
It's about… God damn it!
We don't have time for this!

485
00:18:17,249 --> 00:18:20,044
Help!

486
00:18:20,127 --> 00:18:22,171
- Help me!
- Are you okay? Are you dying?

487
00:18:22,254 --> 00:18:23,589
No, no! Don't die yet!

488
00:18:23,672 --> 00:18:25,549
Don't die yet
until you get me to your mansion!

489
00:18:25,632 --> 00:18:28,052
No. I'm unscathed,
my darling.

490
00:18:28,135 --> 00:18:30,512
- Oh, thank God.
- This is the blood of my men.

491
00:18:30,596 --> 00:18:35,100
We suffered too many casualties.
All our guns jammed!

492
00:18:35,184 --> 00:18:37,311
Blame that on your witch wife.
Let me see that.

493
00:18:38,645 --> 00:18:42,024
Permit me to hide out here
till British reinforcements arrive

494
00:18:42,107 --> 00:18:44,902
and massacre
the entire lot of rebels.

495
00:18:44,985 --> 00:18:48,572
Then shall we escape
safely together, my darling.

496
00:18:48,655 --> 00:18:50,908
Oh! Okay. I'm gonna
go get you some water.

497
00:18:50,991 --> 00:18:53,243
Hey, Cricks?
When the reinforcements get here,

498
00:18:53,327 --> 00:18:54,495
Dennis and I are cool, right?

499
00:18:54,578 --> 00:18:56,038
- Yeah…
- We're not on your shit list.

500
00:18:56,121 --> 00:18:58,582
Yeah. Like we got tarred
and feathered for your ass. So…

501
00:18:58,665 --> 00:19:02,252
Protect me and I shall make sure
that all of you are safe

502
00:19:02,336 --> 00:19:03,837
from the mighty sword of…

503
00:19:05,172 --> 00:19:07,132
Oh, shit!

504
00:19:08,842 --> 00:19:11,970
God damn it, Frank!
You just ruined my whole life!

505
00:19:12,054 --> 00:19:14,098
Wait, wait, wait.
Check his pulse.

506
00:19:14,181 --> 00:19:16,016
- He doesn't have a head!
- Oh, my God!

507
00:19:16,100 --> 00:19:18,560
If the British come in here
and find this body, we are screwed!

508
00:19:18,644 --> 00:19:20,270
Jesus, God, he's right!
We gotta get rid of this body!

509
00:19:20,354 --> 00:19:22,022
- How are we gonna do that?
- Maybe we could bury it out back.

510
00:19:22,106 --> 00:19:23,649
No, there's no time.
We gotta burn that body.

511
00:19:23,732 --> 00:19:25,109
Burn? It's gonna call
too much attention!

512
00:19:25,192 --> 00:19:26,443
Let's chop it up
into a million pieces!

513
00:19:26,527 --> 00:19:27,903
I got an idea.

514
00:19:29,488 --> 00:19:30,989
Careful man. Steady.

515
00:19:31,073 --> 00:19:32,533
It's heavy.

516
00:19:33,742 --> 00:19:34,868
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

517
00:19:38,580 --> 00:19:39,832
Shit!

518
00:19:39,915 --> 00:19:41,834
Bro, we just broke
the Liberty Bell.

519
00:19:41,917 --> 00:19:45,838
I'll get you, my pretties!

520
00:19:47,673 --> 00:19:49,174
It's totally broken!

521
00:19:49,258 --> 00:19:52,720
Stop this story!

522
00:19:52,803 --> 00:19:54,930
- Okay?
- We weren't quite finished yet.

523
00:19:55,013 --> 00:19:56,140
We were just climaxing there.

524
00:19:56,223 --> 00:19:59,101
I've finished listening.

525
00:19:59,184 --> 00:20:01,019
Have you now?

526
00:20:01,103 --> 00:20:04,815
Uh, okay. Well, that's fair.
Uh, the end, I guess.

527
00:20:04,898 --> 00:20:08,235
Uh, so are we
a historical landmark now?

528
00:20:08,318 --> 00:20:11,155
- No!
- You gotta be kiddin' me.

529
00:20:11,238 --> 00:20:12,239
- It's such a good story.
- Yeah.

530
00:20:12,322 --> 00:20:14,199
Maybe she didn't
understand the story.

531
00:20:14,283 --> 00:20:15,784
Maybe we skimmed too much.

532
00:20:15,868 --> 00:20:17,453
Well, let's tell the full
story this time.

533
00:20:17,536 --> 00:20:18,996
Let's… We won't
leave out any details.

534
00:20:19,079 --> 00:20:21,165
A lot more details. You know what?
Sit back. Get comfortable.

535
00:20:21,248 --> 00:20:22,666
This is gonna take
a little longer this time.

536
00:20:22,750 --> 00:20:23,751
- Okay.
- You ready?

537
00:20:23,834 --> 00:20:25,085
- It starts the same.
- Okay.

538
00:20:25,169 --> 00:20:27,713
The year was 1776…