1 00:00:02,622 --> 00:00:04,749 [ Woman ] Next case. 2 00:00:04,874 --> 00:00:07,752 Mr. Dennis Reynolds. That's me. Yeah. Right here. 3 00:00:07,836 --> 00:00:09,838 How are ya? 4 00:00:09,921 --> 00:00:14,217 From October 28, 2008, to November 1, 2008, 5 00:00:14,300 --> 00:00:19,973 you were issued a series of parking citations totaling $1,300. 6 00:00:20,056 --> 00:00:24,310 - Who are these people? - Oh, uh, these people are here to corroborate my story. 7 00:00:24,394 --> 00:00:26,604 - It's a parking violation. - Oh, well. 8 00:00:26,688 --> 00:00:29,274 I think you'll find it goes much, much deeper than that. 9 00:00:29,357 --> 00:00:32,152 Yes, Lady Madam of the court, I do believe that this court will realize... 10 00:00:32,235 --> 00:00:35,947 that we were all victims of a terrible ordeal that caused each and every one of us... 11 00:00:36,030 --> 00:00:38,741 great physical and emotional trauma. 12 00:00:38,825 --> 00:00:40,285 And what is this ordeal? 13 00:00:40,368 --> 00:00:44,372 The Philadelphia Phillies winning the World Series, Your Honor. 14 00:01:18,907 --> 00:01:23,161 Okay, Mr. Reynolds. On what grounds are you contesting these tickets? 15 00:01:23,286 --> 00:01:25,330 Well- What grounds? Where do we even begin? 16 00:01:25,455 --> 00:01:27,332 Oh, yeah. On many grounds, Your Honor. 17 00:01:27,457 --> 00:01:29,125 Many, many grounds. Yes. 18 00:01:29,209 --> 00:01:31,586 And let the record show that we are waiving our right to an attorney. 19 00:01:31,669 --> 00:01:34,923 Just explain to me why you feel you should not have been issued these tickets. 20 00:01:35,006 --> 00:01:37,717 Okay. Um, yeah. Well, I think in order to do that, 21 00:01:37,800 --> 00:01:40,011 we should probably start at the top of the story. 22 00:01:40,094 --> 00:01:42,013 I know what the story is. Oh, all right. 23 00:01:42,096 --> 00:01:44,349 It was game five of the World Series, 24 00:01:44,432 --> 00:01:46,351 and we actually had tickets. 25 00:01:46,434 --> 00:01:48,603 Needless to say, I mean, we were pumped. 26 00:01:55,568 --> 00:01:57,237 Oh, yeah! 27 00:01:57,320 --> 00:01:59,572 Hey-oh! What's up, fellas? 28 00:01:59,656 --> 00:02:02,450 What's going on, man? Not wearing any colors? Not supporting the team, dude? 29 00:02:02,534 --> 00:02:05,036 Wearing colors? Why the hell would I be wearing colors to... 30 00:02:05,119 --> 00:02:07,914 Oh, my God! Today's the World Series! I totally forgot. 31 00:02:07,997 --> 00:02:10,458 Oh, wait a second. What's this? 32 00:02:10,583 --> 00:02:13,044 You didn't forget! Boom! I didn't forget a “thang”! 33 00:02:13,127 --> 00:02:16,714 This is one of the few times where it is acceptable to be shirtless in a public forum. 34 00:02:16,798 --> 00:02:19,217 So I'm blasting bare chest the whole time. What do you think? 35 00:02:19,300 --> 00:02:21,594 - Smart. - I think you're gonna be cold as shit. 36 00:02:21,678 --> 00:02:24,681 I'm not gonna be cold at all 'cause I'm gonna be wasted on grain alcohol. 37 00:02:24,806 --> 00:02:27,934 Grain alcohol. Whenever there's a potential riot, I'm getting blasted on grain alcohol. 38 00:02:28,059 --> 00:02:29,727 Riot juice! It's like rum punch! 39 00:02:29,811 --> 00:02:31,354 Put some of that on my bug bites. 40 00:02:36,985 --> 00:02:39,279 - No. What? Do you want to remember it? - Charlie, come here. 41 00:02:39,362 --> 00:02:41,239 Back to back. Back to back? Okay. 42 00:02:41,364 --> 00:02:43,658 What's going on with you guys, huh? Oh, we got bed bugs, dude. 43 00:02:43,741 --> 00:02:46,286 Oh, man. The place is infested with them. Some guy brought them back from Haiti. 44 00:02:46,369 --> 00:02:48,913 World Series, bitches! What is up? 45 00:02:53,418 --> 00:02:56,838 Plan's still on, right? Oh, shit yeah, baby girl. Plan is on. 46 00:02:56,921 --> 00:02:58,756 Hey! Time out. There's a plan? 47 00:02:58,881 --> 00:03:02,093 - There's always a plan, buddy. - Why didn't you tell me about this? What's the plan? 48 00:03:02,176 --> 00:03:05,305 Okay, in the bottom of the ninth when the Phillies are up by, like, 50 or 60 runs, 49 00:03:05,388 --> 00:03:07,765 Dennis and I are gonna start beating the shit out of each other. 50 00:03:07,890 --> 00:03:09,892 Which will attract the attention of Security. Yeah. 51 00:03:09,976 --> 00:03:12,437 And that's when I run on the field and kiss a player. Oh! 52 00:03:15,982 --> 00:03:18,234 And I will toss on Green Man and run around the field... 53 00:03:18,318 --> 00:03:20,653 - No. - And go crazy as Green Man. 54 00:03:20,778 --> 00:03:22,697 No, no, no, no, no. Whoomp, there it goes. 55 00:03:22,780 --> 00:03:24,824 Don't toss on Green Man because in this particular case, 56 00:03:24,907 --> 00:03:27,118 the Philly Phrenetic really reigns supreme, okay? 57 00:03:27,201 --> 00:03:29,829 We're talking about the Phillies here. Leave that for other shit. 58 00:03:29,912 --> 00:03:32,540 - Are you kidding me? - Dude, people love that guy. - We love him. 59 00:03:32,624 --> 00:03:34,500 I don't love him! I'm sick of him! 60 00:03:34,584 --> 00:03:37,837 He's got a stranglehold on the Philly mascot scene. It's not fair! 61 00:03:37,920 --> 00:03:41,883 I got a pretty good thing going with Green Man. I don't see why there can only be one mascot. 62 00:03:41,966 --> 00:03:44,177 No. I feel like there's only room for one green idiot... 63 00:03:44,260 --> 00:03:46,429 running around making an asshole of himself. 64 00:03:46,512 --> 00:03:48,514 Whoa. I can't find the tickets. 65 00:03:48,598 --> 00:03:51,351 - What are you talking about? - I don't have the tickets in my pocket! 66 00:03:51,434 --> 00:03:54,103 - What, dude? - Nowhere. I know exactly where I left them. 67 00:03:54,187 --> 00:03:56,272 I left them on the coffee table in the apartment. 68 00:03:56,397 --> 00:03:59,317 We don't have time to go back. We're not gonna get a good spot for the tailgating! 69 00:03:59,400 --> 00:04:01,861 - We gotta go back and get 'em. - Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! 70 00:04:01,944 --> 00:04:04,906 Dennis, Charlie, why don't you go to the parking lot, get us a good spot. 71 00:04:04,989 --> 00:04:06,866 - We'll go get the tickets. - All right. Let's move, man. 72 00:04:06,991 --> 00:04:09,577 I can't believe I forgot the tickets. Jesus Christ, Frank. 73 00:04:09,661 --> 00:04:12,163 I don't know. All I'm doing is, like, just making the sandwiches. 74 00:04:12,288 --> 00:04:13,956 Shut up! 75 00:04:15,917 --> 00:04:18,586 Okay, I think it's important to figure out which player I want to kiss... 76 00:04:18,670 --> 00:04:20,546 when I thrust myself out on that field. 77 00:04:20,630 --> 00:04:22,048 I'm going Shane Victorino right now. 78 00:04:22,173 --> 00:04:23,549 Flyin' Hawaiian. Flyin' Hawaiian. 79 00:04:23,633 --> 00:04:25,218 Strong choice. But center field- way too far. 80 00:04:25,343 --> 00:04:27,970 Oh. Oh! You'll get jacked out before you get anywhere close 81 00:04:28,096 --> 00:04:30,640 Balls! Oh, no! 82 00:04:30,723 --> 00:04:32,642 They're fumigating the building for bed bugs. 83 00:04:32,725 --> 00:04:35,687 How did you not know that they were bug bombing your apartment, bro? 84 00:04:35,770 --> 00:04:38,606 I can't read every flyer that gets slipped under the door! 85 00:04:38,731 --> 00:04:41,150 Jesus Christ. Well, now what are we gonna do? 86 00:04:41,234 --> 00:04:43,695 - Well, I don't know. We gotta go- - Go get the tickets! Hurry up! 87 00:04:43,778 --> 00:04:46,531 I'm not going in there! That's full of toxic smoke. 88 00:04:46,656 --> 00:04:49,659 We'll go buy gas masks. We don't have time for gas masks! 89 00:04:49,742 --> 00:04:52,745 Frank, come on. It's not that poisonous. Just go really fast. 90 00:04:52,829 --> 00:04:55,707 - Shit. All right. - Jesus Christ. 91 00:04:57,792 --> 00:05:01,295 Oh, God! 92 00:05:01,379 --> 00:05:03,381 - My eyes are burning! - Now what? 93 00:05:03,464 --> 00:05:05,174 All right. Fine! 94 00:05:05,258 --> 00:05:08,219 I'll have to scale the building, cut a hole in the tent, smash through the window. 95 00:05:08,302 --> 00:05:10,221 That'll cut down on occupancy time. 96 00:05:10,304 --> 00:05:13,224 You are not capable of doing that. 97 00:05:13,307 --> 00:05:16,060 I absolutely have the upper body strength to accomplish that. 98 00:05:16,185 --> 00:05:18,563 Are you kidding me? Goddamn it, Dee! Goddamn it! 99 00:05:18,646 --> 00:05:21,232 Will you shut up? I'm calling the boys to tell 'em we're gonna be late. 100 00:05:21,315 --> 00:05:24,026 They're doing that right now? 101 00:05:24,152 --> 00:05:26,154 All right. Keep me posted. Shit. What's up, man? 102 00:05:26,237 --> 00:05:28,740 Bro, they are bug bombing your building right now. They got the whole thing tented. 103 00:05:28,865 --> 00:05:31,075 Oh, my God! Those guys can't get in there to get the tickets. 104 00:05:31,159 --> 00:05:33,911 There's no way they're gonna. That's poisonous gas, dude. You can't breathe that. 105 00:05:34,036 --> 00:05:37,206 Screw 'em, right? What are you suggesting? Maybe we sneak into the game? 106 00:05:37,290 --> 00:05:39,959 I want to get into that game. I don't even want to tailgate any more, bro. 107 00:05:40,042 --> 00:05:42,295 Oh, you're right! We gotta sneak in. All right. We're gonna sneak. 108 00:05:42,378 --> 00:05:44,839 How are we gonna sneak in though, bro? Security's gonna be crazy. 109 00:05:44,922 --> 00:05:47,133 There's a couple ways you can do it. 110 00:05:47,216 --> 00:05:50,428 One, we can take the secret tunnel that goes from the Ollidy Inn into the stadium. 111 00:05:50,511 --> 00:05:52,138 Stop. Stop, stop, stop. 112 00:05:52,221 --> 00:05:54,640 There's no secret tunnel going from the stadium to the Ollidy Inn. 113 00:05:54,766 --> 00:05:57,185 What the hell are you talking about? This is common knowledge, bro. 114 00:05:57,268 --> 00:06:00,188 There is. They built a secret tunnel so that the visiting players... 115 00:06:00,271 --> 00:06:03,733 can get safely back to the hotel without the Phillies fans hammering them. 116 00:06:03,858 --> 00:06:06,444 We're passionate fans. Passionate fans. We gotta hammer something. 117 00:06:06,527 --> 00:06:09,155 So they got a tunnel for that? Wow. Don't you think there's gonna be security there too? 118 00:06:09,238 --> 00:06:11,866 There might. All right. You know what? I got it. 119 00:06:11,949 --> 00:06:14,535 We're gonna do a Charlie One-Two, all right? You're gonna do this, okay? 120 00:06:14,660 --> 00:06:17,663 Okay. One, you jump in front of a car coming into the stadium. 121 00:06:17,747 --> 00:06:20,833 Two, you say, “I'm gonna sue you if you don't give me tickets.” 122 00:06:20,917 --> 00:06:24,212 No! No! That is a terrible plan. 123 00:06:24,337 --> 00:06:26,881 How is that terrible? Because it involves me getting hit by a car. 124 00:06:26,964 --> 00:06:30,426 You'll be fine, bro. You're drinking riot punch, man. You'll bounce off that thing. 125 00:06:30,510 --> 00:06:33,179 It's called the Charlie One-Two. You do it. 126 00:06:33,262 --> 00:06:35,181 Well, no. I've done too many, man. 127 00:06:35,306 --> 00:06:38,768 The next one could be my last. I don't want to get hit by a moving car. 128 00:06:38,893 --> 00:06:41,145 You'll be fine! This is the World Series, man. 129 00:06:41,229 --> 00:06:44,065 I don't want to do any more, dude. I could die. 130 00:06:44,148 --> 00:06:46,526 You do it. 131 00:06:46,651 --> 00:06:49,612 All right, goddamn it. I'm gonna do it. Let's do it! Last time. One last time. 132 00:06:54,659 --> 00:06:56,619 Too shitty, right? Crappy car. Yeah. 133 00:06:56,744 --> 00:06:59,997 No, you don't want to jump out in front of a shitty car. We need rich people tickets. 134 00:07:00,122 --> 00:07:02,542 Rich seats. Oh. Ooh. This guy right here. This is a good one. 135 00:07:02,625 --> 00:07:06,587 This is gonna be a good one, dude. He's gonna have such good seats. Go, go, go! Go! 136 00:07:06,671 --> 00:07:09,131 What are you doing, man? Bro, that guy was gonna have great seats. 137 00:07:09,257 --> 00:07:11,676 Yeah. I felt like I didn't have a good angle. What do you mean? 138 00:07:11,801 --> 00:07:14,178 I might go this way You just jump right out in front of him. 139 00:07:14,303 --> 00:07:16,597 This guy'll have good seats. Don't get cold feet on me. 140 00:07:16,722 --> 00:07:19,725 Jump out in front of this guy. I'm fine. This guy's good. 141 00:07:22,395 --> 00:07:25,898 Your Honor, so my friend here pushed me in front of a moving car. No big deal. 142 00:07:25,982 --> 00:07:28,693 Ladies and gentlemen of the court, these were dire times, 143 00:07:28,776 --> 00:07:32,071 and dire actions were needed to get those tickets! 144 00:07:32,196 --> 00:07:36,075 But we didn't get the tickets, Charlie, because the guy saw you push me in front of his car. 145 00:07:36,158 --> 00:07:37,910 Yeah, that's true. We didn't get the tickets. 146 00:07:37,994 --> 00:07:40,246 So you guys tried to scam your way into the game... 147 00:07:40,329 --> 00:07:42,248 by throwing each other in front of cars... 148 00:07:42,331 --> 00:07:44,750 with the hopes of extorting tickets from the drivers. 149 00:07:44,834 --> 00:07:48,671 Let the record show that the three of us do not condone the actions of the two of them. 150 00:07:48,754 --> 00:07:51,883 The record will show everything. You can stop saying that. 151 00:07:51,966 --> 00:07:53,968 Are you sure? 'Cause she's not typing very quickly. 152 00:07:54,051 --> 00:07:55,720 It's shorthand. She's getting the gist. 153 00:07:55,803 --> 00:07:59,473 I don't appreciate being paraphrased. I choose my words very deliberately. 154 00:07:59,557 --> 00:08:02,018 - Get back to your case. - Okay. 155 00:08:02,101 --> 00:08:05,021 So anyway, the three of us are back at their apartment trying to get the tickets, 156 00:08:05,104 --> 00:08:07,023 and Mac is scaling the building. 157 00:08:07,106 --> 00:08:10,026 Well, it's just I couldn't get a good grip, you know? 158 00:08:10,109 --> 00:08:12,695 - Is it the grip? ls the grip the problem? - Hey, you guys. 159 00:08:12,778 --> 00:08:15,114 Look, I found this garden hose. All right? 160 00:08:15,197 --> 00:08:17,450 I'm gonna use it to pump fresh air into the building... 161 00:08:17,533 --> 00:08:19,410 and breathe into it like a scuba diver. 162 00:08:19,535 --> 00:08:22,121 That actually seems like it could work. Yeah. Let's give it a shot. 163 00:08:22,246 --> 00:08:24,624 I'll try it out. Okay. I'll go- Yeah. 164 00:08:24,707 --> 00:08:27,460 Go, go, go. 165 00:08:27,585 --> 00:08:29,879 Okay. How is it? 166 00:08:29,962 --> 00:08:32,548 [ Muffled Shouting ] What? 167 00:08:32,673 --> 00:08:35,426 I'll get- Yeah! You're in? 168 00:08:35,551 --> 00:08:38,429 World Series, here We come! All right! 169 00:08:38,554 --> 00:08:40,848 Pregame! Pregaming! Let's pregame. 170 00:08:40,932 --> 00:08:44,352 All right, Dee. Let's get back to this player selection conversation, okay? 171 00:08:44,435 --> 00:08:45,978 'Cause I got some- got some thoughts. 172 00:08:46,062 --> 00:08:48,481 Yeah, I've been thinking about it. Ryan Howard, right? 173 00:08:48,564 --> 00:08:50,524 Mmm. 174 00:08:50,650 --> 00:08:53,486 What? Look, if it's me, I'm going Chase Utley 100% of the time. 175 00:08:53,611 --> 00:08:57,031 He's a power-hitting second baseman. Do you know how rare that is in the National League? 176 00:08:57,156 --> 00:08:59,533 And he's hot, which is number one on my list. Of course he is. 177 00:08:59,659 --> 00:09:03,162 But I really like Ryan Howard. You're kissin' Chase Utley, and that's it. 178 00:09:03,245 --> 00:09:05,915 Why are you pushing Chase Utley on me? It's starting to get weird. 179 00:09:05,998 --> 00:09:08,334 Okay, look. I have a plan, all right? 180 00:09:08,417 --> 00:09:11,837 And it involves you getting this letter to him when you get out there to kiss him. 181 00:09:11,921 --> 00:09:14,757 I have given this to Major League Baseball, his lawyer, 182 00:09:14,840 --> 00:09:16,467 his manager, his mom, 183 00:09:16,550 --> 00:09:19,303 and he has not gotten back to me, which means he hasn't gotten it yet. 184 00:09:19,428 --> 00:09:21,764 So just- Okay. What is in this letter? 185 00:09:21,847 --> 00:09:24,350 That's none of your business, all right? Just get it to Chase. 186 00:09:24,433 --> 00:09:27,812 Did you write a love letter to Chase Utley? Is that... 187 00:09:29,480 --> 00:09:31,524 In a lot of ways, yes, I do love him, 188 00:09:31,607 --> 00:09:34,568 but that is not a love letter in the way that you're thinking of it, okay? 189 00:09:34,694 --> 00:09:37,530 There's nothing sexual or- Okay. That sounds good. I'm gonna read it. 190 00:09:37,613 --> 00:09:39,991 Pal around and- Yeah, read it! 191 00:09:40,116 --> 00:09:41,951 “Dear Chase”- Oh, shit! There's stickers! Yeah. 192 00:09:42,076 --> 00:09:44,078 My God. Oh, this is good. You gotta jazz it up. 193 00:09:44,203 --> 00:09:47,248 Yeah, you sure do. You sure do. I want to make it pop. 194 00:09:47,331 --> 00:09:52,169 “Dear Chase, I feel like I can call you Chase because you and me are so much alike.” 195 00:09:52,253 --> 00:09:55,006 Really? “I would love to meet you someday. 196 00:09:55,089 --> 00:09:57,216 “It would be great to have a catch. 197 00:09:57,299 --> 00:10:01,971 "I know I can't throw as fast as you, but I think you would be impressed with my speed. 198 00:10:03,305 --> 00:10:06,559 “I love your hair. You run fast. 199 00:10:06,642 --> 00:10:09,562 “Did you have a good relationship with your father? 200 00:10:09,645 --> 00:10:11,355 “Me neither. 201 00:10:11,480 --> 00:10:14,066 “These are all things we can talk about, and more. 202 00:10:14,191 --> 00:10:18,320 I know you have not been getting my letters because I know you would write back if you did.” 203 00:10:18,404 --> 00:10:21,907 “And I hope you write back this time and we get to be good friends. 204 00:10:22,033 --> 00:10:27,079 I am sure our relationship would be a real home run.” 205 00:10:29,582 --> 00:10:32,084 Well, if you- if you read it out of context... 206 00:10:32,168 --> 00:10:34,170 There's no right context. 207 00:10:34,253 --> 00:10:36,338 - Strike that from the record, please! - No, leave that on the record. 208 00:10:36,422 --> 00:10:38,716 - That one stays on the record. - Can we get back to your case? 209 00:10:38,841 --> 00:10:41,343 Let's move on, huh? Shall we move on? We're gonna move on. 210 00:10:41,427 --> 00:10:42,887 Sorry about that, Your Honor. Whoo! 211 00:10:42,970 --> 00:10:45,431 My God! 212 00:10:45,514 --> 00:10:47,600 Wow! Wow. 213 00:10:47,683 --> 00:10:49,852 Okay. Okay. 214 00:10:49,935 --> 00:10:52,897 Hey, what were you hoping to accomplish with this? 215 00:10:53,022 --> 00:10:55,399 I'm hoping that he reads the letter- Uh-huh. 216 00:10:55,483 --> 00:10:58,319 And realizes that he's always wanted a younger brother. 217 00:10:58,402 --> 00:11:00,112 Younger brother? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! 218 00:11:00,196 --> 00:11:02,281 That guy's, like, five years younger than you. You know that, right? 219 00:11:02,406 --> 00:11:05,451 Is he really? Are you kidding me? He seems- Yeah- Oh, shit! 220 00:11:05,534 --> 00:11:07,453 - The hose is gone. Oh, God. - Oh, shit. 221 00:11:07,536 --> 00:11:09,997 He's in there breathing the poison. 222 00:11:10,122 --> 00:11:12,124 We gotta get those tickets. I gotta get to Chase! Goddamn it. 223 00:11:12,249 --> 00:11:13,542 Okay, hold on. 224 00:11:13,626 --> 00:11:15,753 Oh, the poison is so thick! 225 00:11:15,878 --> 00:11:18,214 Oh! Oh! This hallway is really bad! 226 00:11:18,297 --> 00:11:19,924 There he is! 227 00:11:20,049 --> 00:11:22,009 Run! Get him! Frank! Frank! 228 00:11:22,134 --> 00:11:24,470 Frank! Hey, where are the tickets? 229 00:11:24,595 --> 00:11:27,348 Where are the tickets? Leave me here to die! 230 00:11:27,431 --> 00:11:30,476 - No, come on! Where are the goddamn tickets? - I don't know where... 231 00:11:30,601 --> 00:11:32,269 I can't find 'em. I'll find them! 232 00:11:32,394 --> 00:11:34,855 I left 'em on the coffee table! Get 'em! 233 00:11:34,939 --> 00:11:37,399 The bug bomb bastards took 'em! 234 00:11:43,239 --> 00:11:46,242 Oh, God! 235 00:11:46,325 --> 00:11:48,244 [ Gagging 1 236 00:12:10,266 --> 00:12:13,435 Hey. Yo! How are you feeling, buddy? 237 00:12:13,519 --> 00:12:16,814 I'm in a great deal of pain, Charlie. I was just blasted by a car. 238 00:12:16,897 --> 00:12:19,150 Yeah, I know. You got creamed, but check it out. 239 00:12:19,275 --> 00:12:23,362 I got you a soft pretzel dog! Screw your goddamn soft pretzel, you son of a bitch! 240 00:12:23,487 --> 00:12:26,740 I might be bleeding internally! Dude! 241 00:12:26,824 --> 00:12:29,618 That's the Philly Phrenetic up there, man! Maybe I'll go talk some shop with him! 242 00:12:29,702 --> 00:12:32,121 A little Green Man! He can get us in the game, dude! 243 00:12:32,204 --> 00:12:34,748 Ow! The Phrenetic! 244 00:12:37,293 --> 00:12:39,628 Yo! Hey! Hey! 245 00:12:39,712 --> 00:12:43,549 Whoo! Whoo-hoo! Philly Phrenetic! Philly Phrenetic! 246 00:12:43,632 --> 00:12:46,051 Huge fan, man! Seriously. Big time. 247 00:12:46,135 --> 00:12:49,388 Are you serious? Do you mean that? Ha-ha! Bring it in, man. 248 00:12:49,471 --> 00:12:52,099 Bring it in. Ah, yeah! All right. Now, seriously. 249 00:12:52,183 --> 00:12:54,560 Man to man, mascot to mascot, 250 00:12:54,643 --> 00:12:57,563 I was wondering maybe if you could help get me in the game, you know, 251 00:12:57,646 --> 00:12:59,315 maybe hook me up with a Green Man routine. 252 00:12:59,398 --> 00:13:02,401 We do it at the stadium together. So... 253 00:13:02,484 --> 00:13:04,737 All right, now- I'm trying to talk to you, dude. 254 00:13:04,820 --> 00:13:07,948 I'm trying to have a conversation with you, you're belly bumping me. 255 00:13:09,658 --> 00:13:11,744 All right. I'll give you... 256 00:13:11,827 --> 00:13:14,330 All right, don't big league me now here, man. Don't big league... 257 00:13:14,413 --> 00:13:17,416 Look, I'm trying to have a conversation with the man behind the mask! 258 00:13:17,499 --> 00:13:20,461 I feel like you're big leaguing me, dude! Are you taking me seriously? 259 00:13:28,802 --> 00:13:30,888 That guy's beating on the Phrenetic. 260 00:13:31,013 --> 00:13:33,515 Dude, is that a hate crime? Nah, it's not a hate crime. 261 00:13:33,641 --> 00:13:36,185 You want to hammer his ass anyway? Definitely. 262 00:13:44,735 --> 00:13:46,946 Yo, Dennis! Yo, bud! Where you going, dude? Ow! 263 00:13:47,071 --> 00:13:49,073 Goddamn it! What happened to you? 264 00:13:49,156 --> 00:13:51,492 Charlie pushed me in front of a goddamn car. That's what happened. 265 00:13:51,575 --> 00:13:54,411 - You look terrible. - Why are your eyes all filled with blood? 266 00:13:54,495 --> 00:13:57,748 - On account of the poison. - Dude, where were you going? We gotta get in the stadium. 267 00:13:57,873 --> 00:14:00,167 Look, it's starting to get packed. Just forget about it, okay? 268 00:14:00,251 --> 00:14:03,087 It's impossible to get into that stadium. Trust me. Take my word for it. 269 00:14:03,170 --> 00:14:06,048 No, that's not good enough! We've gotta get in so Dee can kiss Chase Utley and... 270 00:14:06,131 --> 00:14:08,509 Well, how the hell are you planning on getting in there, Mac? 271 00:14:08,634 --> 00:14:11,804 Uh- You put me on the spot! First thing that comes to my head, scaling the facade. 272 00:14:11,887 --> 00:14:15,683 I know I soured on that earlier, but I believe that is my mind telling me I have it in me! 273 00:14:15,766 --> 00:14:18,310 I hate to tell you this, bro, but you do not have the core strength... 274 00:14:18,394 --> 00:14:20,646 to scale the facade of Citizens Bank- you just don't. 275 00:14:20,771 --> 00:14:23,816 What? I work out all the time! You only work out your glamour muscles, and you know it. 276 00:14:23,941 --> 00:14:26,652 I work out my core! No, you do not work out your core. 277 00:14:26,735 --> 00:14:29,113 You're totally arm heavy. You're all bi's and tri's. 278 00:14:29,196 --> 00:14:31,448 And everything else is just fat and ribs. 279 00:14:31,573 --> 00:14:35,327 Bro, I can do way more push-ups than you, and that's like 16 different muscle groups. 280 00:14:35,411 --> 00:14:37,830 That is beyond retarded, what you're saying right now. 281 00:14:37,913 --> 00:14:41,917 I can do way more push-ups than you even though I was just hit by a car. 282 00:14:44,837 --> 00:14:49,550 One, two, three, four, five... 283 00:14:49,675 --> 00:14:53,345 Six, seven, eight, nine, 10, 11- All right, enough! 284 00:14:53,429 --> 00:14:56,056 - Stop it! - All right. 285 00:14:56,140 --> 00:14:58,017 But you get my point, Your Honor, 286 00:14:58,142 --> 00:15:00,811 and you could see that Mac was slowing down at the end there. What? 287 00:15:00,894 --> 00:15:03,939 And let the record show that that is because he only works out his glamour muscles. 288 00:15:04,023 --> 00:15:06,233 No, that's- That's bullshit! I did, like, three more than you! 289 00:15:06,358 --> 00:15:09,987 Yeah, but you were- I wasn't slowing down. Put that on the record! 290 00:15:10,070 --> 00:15:12,448 Strike that from the record. I don't think you did three more. 291 00:15:12,531 --> 00:15:14,867 - Oh, no! You saw it! She saw it! - I need this story... 292 00:15:14,992 --> 00:15:18,495 Sustained. To come to an end soon. 293 00:15:18,579 --> 00:15:21,081 Okay. Fair enough, Your Honor. I will bring this story to a close very soon. 294 00:15:21,165 --> 00:15:23,083 Okay, so- Let me pick up where we left off. 295 00:15:23,167 --> 00:15:26,170 We were at the parking lot, and I had just punched him in the face for cheating... 296 00:15:26,253 --> 00:15:28,630 like he just tried to do right here in the courtroom. 297 00:15:28,714 --> 00:15:30,215 Stop handing me papers. 298 00:15:30,299 --> 00:15:31,967 Why did you hammer my nose, bro? 299 00:15:32,051 --> 00:15:34,511 I hammered your nose because you disqualified me for no good reason. 300 00:15:34,636 --> 00:15:36,764 Because you had bad form, dude! What are you talking about? 301 00:15:36,889 --> 00:15:39,224 You were slowing down, and you just tried to- That's bullshit. 302 00:15:39,350 --> 00:15:41,643 I got hammered so hard! Yeah? Well, you deserve it, asshole! 303 00:15:41,727 --> 00:15:43,270 Charlie, who hammered you? 304 00:15:43,354 --> 00:15:45,689 Just some overly passionate Phillies fans. Who do you think? 305 00:15:45,773 --> 00:15:48,942 You getting hammered by Philly fans is reminding me of something. 306 00:15:49,026 --> 00:15:51,779 There is a secret tunnel between the stadium and the Ollidy Inn. 307 00:15:51,904 --> 00:15:54,865 I know, dude! I was telling this guy about the tunnel! No! That's not true. 308 00:15:54,990 --> 00:15:58,452 They built it 'cause Phillies fans hammer people all the time! That's a known tunnel. 309 00:15:58,577 --> 00:16:00,245 They gotta get the players out! It's underground. 310 00:16:00,371 --> 00:16:02,456 Everybody knows about the tunnel. Let's give the tunnel a shot. 311 00:16:02,581 --> 00:16:04,500 Well, let's get in! We've got nothing to lose. 312 00:16:04,625 --> 00:16:06,627 It's starting. You hear that shit? I hear it. 313 00:16:06,710 --> 00:16:08,504 Is that- it seems like it's gonna rain. 314 00:16:08,587 --> 00:16:10,923 Don't ever disqualify me again for a bullshit reason, or I'll hammer you again. 315 00:16:11,006 --> 00:16:12,174 Was your form off? 316 00:16:14,468 --> 00:16:16,929 Try to look inconspicuous. Inconspicuous? 317 00:16:17,012 --> 00:16:19,431 We all look like we've been in a terrible fight, Frank. 318 00:16:19,515 --> 00:16:21,975 Everybody in here looks like they've been in a terrible fight. 319 00:16:22,059 --> 00:16:24,520 These two ladies are in the middle of a terrible fight right now. 320 00:16:24,645 --> 00:16:27,189 Phillies fans are brutal. There's the elevator. Go! Go! 321 00:16:28,732 --> 00:16:31,360 All right. Which way is it, dude? Which way? Uh, let's try this way. 322 00:16:31,443 --> 00:16:35,155 The game is about to start, and this damn thing is not giving me a signal. 323 00:16:35,239 --> 00:16:37,574 Damn it. I don't know if I'm on board with this plan, man. 324 00:16:37,699 --> 00:16:41,120 I might just go up to the hotel bar and watch it up there then join the riot afterwards. 325 00:16:41,203 --> 00:16:44,248 Maybe you're right. If we can't go to the game, we should be able to watch it somewhere. 326 00:16:44,373 --> 00:16:47,209 We're getting in the game, all right? Just hurry up. 327 00:16:47,292 --> 00:16:49,878 All right, hang on a second. This looks good down here. 328 00:16:49,962 --> 00:16:52,631 Bingo. Look at this little room. This has got to be something, right? 329 00:16:52,714 --> 00:16:54,675 All right. Here we go. 330 00:16:54,758 --> 00:16:56,677 It's a linen closet, Charlie. 331 00:16:56,760 --> 00:16:59,388 Yeah. They want you to think it's a linen closet, Frank! 332 00:16:59,471 --> 00:17:01,640 All right, check behind the shelves and shit. Why? 333 00:17:01,723 --> 00:17:05,227 In Scooby-Doo secret tunnels are always behind shelves. There's gonna be one. 334 00:17:05,352 --> 00:17:08,605 Could we not base our decisions on what does and doesn't happen in episodes of Scooby-Doo? 335 00:17:08,689 --> 00:17:10,816 Goddamn it! Let's get up to the bar before the game ends! 336 00:17:10,899 --> 00:17:12,818 Yeah, let's go. Come on. 337 00:17:12,901 --> 00:17:14,486 Oh, shit. It's locked. What? 338 00:17:14,570 --> 00:17:16,697 What do you mean, it's locked? It's locked! 339 00:17:16,780 --> 00:17:19,825 Help! Hey! Somebody help us! 340 00:17:19,908 --> 00:17:21,827 Guys! 341 00:17:21,910 --> 00:17:24,204 Check this out. 342 00:17:24,288 --> 00:17:26,540 - No! 343 00:17:26,665 --> 00:17:28,417 Holy shit. Is it really? 344 00:17:28,542 --> 00:17:30,586 This is the way. Hang on. It's dark in here. 345 00:17:30,669 --> 00:17:32,546 But it sounds like it's a tunnel. 346 00:17:32,671 --> 00:17:35,007 It's dark as hell in here. I can't see anything. 347 00:17:35,090 --> 00:17:36,592 It stinks. Awful. 348 00:17:36,675 --> 00:17:39,261 Hang on. Hang on. I found a light. 349 00:17:49,146 --> 00:17:51,607 No, no! 350 00:17:55,360 --> 00:17:58,780 No, stop it! No! Uh-uh! No! 351 00:17:58,864 --> 00:18:03,118 Are you telling me you all found a dungeon at the bottom of the Ollidy Inn? 352 00:18:03,202 --> 00:18:05,120 No. No, no. No, no. Not really. 353 00:18:05,204 --> 00:18:08,332 I just added that last part at the end there to spice the story up... 354 00:18:08,415 --> 00:18:11,460 'cause if I'm being honest, it kind of seemed like we were losing you for a bit. 355 00:18:11,543 --> 00:18:13,504 Yeah, you weren't paying attention, but-But now you are. 356 00:18:13,587 --> 00:18:17,633 But the point is, we did get stuck in that linen closet for six days. 357 00:18:17,716 --> 00:18:20,719 Yes, we did. And as you know, there was a rain delay on the game. 358 00:18:20,844 --> 00:18:23,805 We missed the game. We missed the riot. We missed the parade. We missed everything. 359 00:18:23,889 --> 00:18:27,809 Yeah. And the only way we got out is some maid came after six days to get fresh towels. 360 00:18:27,893 --> 00:18:31,647 Yeah. How does the hotel not run out of towels for six days? 361 00:18:31,730 --> 00:18:34,900 Let the record show that we question that hotel's sanitation procedures. 362 00:18:35,025 --> 00:18:37,027 Absolutely. It's a filthy place. 363 00:18:37,110 --> 00:18:39,905 And while we were stuck in that tiny little room for six days, 364 00:18:39,988 --> 00:18:42,866 surviving only on sink water and peppermint candies... 365 00:18:42,950 --> 00:18:46,036 and what little bit of riot punch we had left at that point, 366 00:18:46,119 --> 00:18:48,580 my car accumulated the massive amount of parking tickets... 367 00:18:48,664 --> 00:18:50,499 that brings us before you today. 368 00:18:50,582 --> 00:18:54,503 So I submit to you that not only should I be excused of those parking tickets, 369 00:18:54,586 --> 00:18:57,256 but I think, um, we're really owed compensation for the entire ordeal. 370 00:18:57,381 --> 00:18:59,299 Compensation. Because we went through some shit! 371 00:18:59,383 --> 00:19:01,718 - Is that it? - Um... 372 00:19:01,802 --> 00:19:03,428 I think that about covers the bases, yeah. 373 00:19:03,512 --> 00:19:07,140 Because I do not find that your story excuses your behavior. 374 00:19:07,224 --> 00:19:08,892 In fact, it actually seems like... 375 00:19:08,976 --> 00:19:12,938 you committed a litany of additional crimes in the process. 376 00:19:13,021 --> 00:19:15,607 I order you to pay the original fine. 377 00:19:15,691 --> 00:19:17,150 Next case! 378 00:19:17,234 --> 00:19:19,194 I didn't want to do this, but I'm gonna have to... 379 00:19:19,319 --> 00:19:21,280 I'm calling kangaroo court on this one! A kangaroo court! 380 00:19:21,405 --> 00:19:23,907 It's a kangaroo court. I'm calling kangaroo court because... 381 00:19:23,991 --> 00:19:25,993 And you know what? I'm gonna toss in my countersuit. 382 00:19:26,076 --> 00:19:28,120 Uh, Charlie Kelly versus Major League Baseball... 383 00:19:28,245 --> 00:19:30,205 A countersuit, Charlie? And the Philly Phrenetic. 384 00:19:30,330 --> 00:19:32,916 Don't do it, Charlie. I'm mad that this guy. He's got a stranglehold... 385 00:19:33,041 --> 00:19:35,002 Oh, boy. Look what's happening. On the mascot scene. 386 00:19:35,085 --> 00:19:38,046 First of all, I had to call him the Phrenetic. His name's the Phanatic. 387 00:19:38,130 --> 00:19:41,592 But I'm gonna get sued by Major League Baseball if I call him the Phanatic. 388 00:19:41,675 --> 00:19:45,304 And let's talk about steroids! Can we talk about steroids? 389 00:19:45,387 --> 00:19:48,098 Can we talk about steroid abuse? It's bullshit! 390 00:19:48,181 --> 00:19:51,393 It's ruining the game! It's ruining it! 391 00:20:37,648 --> 00:20:38,649 ENGLISH - US - PSDH