1
00:00:02,012 --> 00:00:05,848
So, how many restraining orders
does the waitress have on you?

2
00:00:05,933 --> 00:00:07,809
A lot, dude.
She's been irritated with me.

3
00:00:07,935 --> 00:00:10,103
"You got me fired from the
Oldies Rock Café. Guys.

4
00:00:10,229 --> 00:00:13,314
You're gonna get me fired from the coffee shop.
" This is incredible.

5
00:00:13,399 --> 00:00:17,318
Listen to this message. Come here.
This chick is so in love with me, it's crazy.

6
00:00:17,403 --> 00:00:19,320
Hi, Dennis, it's Caylee.

7
00:00:19,405 --> 00:00:22,532
I was just calling to let you
know that I hope you die!

8
00:00:22,616 --> 00:00:25,535
You are obviously a terrible person
with no regard for anyone but yourself!

9
00:00:25,619 --> 00:00:29,038
I never, ever want to see you again,
you steaming pile of horseshit!

10
00:00:29,123 --> 00:00:31,207
Go to hell!

11
00:00:31,333 --> 00:00:35,128
Whoa, that's amazing. That's the best one yet.
Yeah, it's a really good one.

12
00:00:35,212 --> 00:00:36,671
What?
She hates your guts.

13
00:00:36,755 --> 00:00:39,340
Dee, this chick is so in love with
me, she doesn't even know it.

14
00:00:39,425 --> 00:00:41,551
They don't get it because you
haven't explained it to them, bro.

15
00:00:41,635 --> 00:00:44,220
Oh, guys, I have a system,
a foolproof system...

16
00:00:44,304 --> 00:00:48,182
for getting any chick's undying
love and devotion for life.

17
00:00:48,267 --> 00:00:49,767
What the hell are you
talking about, dude?

18
00:00:49,852 --> 00:00:52,770
I'm talking about
the D.E.N.N.I.S. System.

19
00:01:26,138 --> 00:01:28,347
Ladies and gentlemen,
the D.E.N.N.I.S. System...

20
00:01:28,432 --> 00:01:32,435
is a comprehensive approach to seduction
that I have perfected over the years.

21
00:01:32,519 --> 00:01:36,606
See, my success with women does not solely
stem from my good looks and my charm.

22
00:01:36,690 --> 00:01:39,609
There is a careful,
systemic approach...

23
00:01:39,693 --> 00:01:42,570
that has allowed me to become
the playboy that I am today.

24
00:01:42,654 --> 00:01:45,740
- A playboy?
Is that how you see yourself? - Yes.

25
00:01:45,824 --> 00:01:49,035
He has banged a lot of chicks.
Just shut up, Dee. Shut up.

26
00:01:49,119 --> 00:01:54,415
Now, the first step to any erotic conquest
is to "D"- demonstrate your value.

27
00:01:54,500 --> 00:01:58,711
In this most recent case my subject
was Caylee, a cute pharmacist.

28
00:01:58,796 --> 00:02:02,089
I demonstrated my value
to her by filling a prescription.

29
00:02:02,174 --> 00:02:05,051
I told her, "It's for my grandmother.
She's quite ill."

30
00:02:05,135 --> 00:02:10,348
Thus demonstrating my value as a loving
grandson and an all-around great guy.

31
00:02:10,432 --> 00:02:13,309
- You're forging prescriptions now?
- That's the easy part, Dee.

32
00:02:13,393 --> 00:02:16,854
I would've gone in and bought
a box of magnum condoms,

33
00:02:16,939 --> 00:02:20,107
thus demonstrating that
I have a monster dong.

34
00:02:20,192 --> 00:02:22,401
Right. That comes of
a little bit desperate, Frank.

35
00:02:22,528 --> 00:02:26,781
Now, if you want to have a magnum condom
peeking out of your wallet when you go to pay,

36
00:02:26,865 --> 00:02:28,574
that's a different story.

37
00:02:28,659 --> 00:02:30,952
- Oh, yeah.
- Now let's move on.

38
00:02:31,036 --> 00:02:35,122
Once you've demonstrated your value,
you are going to want to ask her out.

39
00:02:35,207 --> 00:02:39,168
Once you've asked her out,
you move on to "E."

40
00:02:39,253 --> 00:02:41,170
"Engage physically."

41
00:02:41,255 --> 00:02:44,173
I personally try to engage the girl
physically without ever going on the date,

42
00:02:44,258 --> 00:02:46,634
which to me is really
just a waste of time and money.

43
00:02:46,718 --> 00:02:49,971
I'll tell her I know this great little
restaurant that doesn't take reservations.

44
00:02:50,055 --> 00:02:51,973
That makes it sound cool,
makes it sound exclusive.

45
00:02:52,057 --> 00:02:54,475
And then when we get to the
restaurant, the restaurant is closed,

46
00:02:54,560 --> 00:02:57,228
as, of course,
it always is on Sundays.

47
00:02:57,312 --> 00:03:00,273
So I'll feign surprise and say
something along the lines of,

48
00:03:00,357 --> 00:03:04,360
"I guess we could grab a pizza
and watch a movie at my place."

49
00:03:04,486 --> 00:03:07,363
That's where I come in.
Oh, you're a part of this?

50
00:03:07,447 --> 00:03:10,324
Oh, yeah. Mac has a very
special place in my system.

51
00:03:10,409 --> 00:03:13,661
Yeah. You see, I'm on the couch when
they come in and ask to be alone.

52
00:03:13,745 --> 00:03:16,706
- Then I say— I can't go in my room.
I found a black widow spider in there.

53
00:03:16,790 --> 00:03:20,543
Dennis fires back that he wants some privacy so
that they can get to know each other better.

54
00:03:20,627 --> 00:03:24,630
- And then I say— Oh.
Well, I guess we could eat the pizza on my bed...

55
00:03:24,715 --> 00:03:26,716
and watch the DVD in my room.

56
00:03:28,218 --> 00:03:31,721
And once we're on my bed,
it is game over.

57
00:03:31,805 --> 00:03:35,308
I engage her physically
and the sexual waltz begins.

58
00:03:35,434 --> 00:03:38,811
Pizza's good.
You're the one that's good.

59
00:03:45,152 --> 00:03:48,696
Smooth! Very- Very smooth stuff.
Very classy.

60
00:03:48,780 --> 00:03:51,073
I'm learning a lot from
you right now, dude.

61
00:03:51,199 --> 00:03:56,287
Okay. Now, once you've had sex with a woman, she
will naturally start to depend on you. Okay?

62
00:03:56,371 --> 00:03:58,915
All women do this.

63
00:03:58,999 --> 00:04:01,167
They certainly do.
You got that right.

64
00:04:01,251 --> 00:04:02,835
Sex with women!

65
00:04:02,920 --> 00:04:04,837
Once you bang 'em,
you know- Like that.

66
00:04:04,922 --> 00:04:06,547
Right. Right.

67
00:04:06,632 --> 00:04:09,926
Which brings me
to the first "N."

68
00:04:10,010 --> 00:04:11,928
"Nurturing Dependence."

69
00:04:12,012 --> 00:04:15,932
You're gonna want to nurture that dependence
that she's feeling on you now, guys.

70
00:04:16,016 --> 00:04:18,100
Have her car towed.

71
00:04:18,185 --> 00:04:20,102
Or you can slash her tires.

72
00:04:20,187 --> 00:04:22,897
Either way, make her
depend on you for rides.

73
00:04:22,981 --> 00:04:24,899
Or you can use
my personal go-to,

74
00:04:24,983 --> 00:04:27,902
which is to create a fictional, angry
neighbor who is threatening her...

75
00:04:27,986 --> 00:04:30,154
and tell her
you'll take care of him.

76
00:04:30,238 --> 00:04:33,783
Hit up a pay phone so that she
can't trace the calls back to you.

77
00:04:33,867 --> 00:04:36,118
Give her a call and say
something along the lines of...

78
00:04:36,203 --> 00:04:40,456
I'm watching you, you bitch.
You're gonna die tonight!

79
00:04:45,796 --> 00:04:47,797
Oh, for Christ's sake!
You're a complete sociopath!

80
00:04:47,881 --> 00:04:49,966
Don't interrupt. Okay?

81
00:04:50,050 --> 00:04:52,510
Now, if you've completed all the other
steps properly up to this point,

82
00:04:52,594 --> 00:04:54,762
she'll naturally want to take the
relationship to the next level.

83
00:04:54,846 --> 00:04:56,889
But you're not gonna do that.
You're gonna do the exact opposite.

84
00:04:56,974 --> 00:05:00,101
Pull back, guys. Pull back.

85
00:05:00,185 --> 00:05:03,896
Which brings me to the second
"N,"Neglect Emotionally."

86
00:05:03,981 --> 00:05:05,773
You stop
taking her phone calls.

87
00:05:05,857 --> 00:05:07,650
Cancel all your plans.

88
00:05:07,734 --> 00:05:10,903
Maybe that fictional, angry neighbor
that you've simulated comes back,

89
00:05:10,988 --> 00:05:13,906
and this time you're not around
to cool him off.

90
00:05:13,991 --> 00:05:16,617
Hello?

91
00:05:16,702 --> 00:05:18,953
Welcome to hell!

92
00:05:27,379 --> 00:05:29,296
This will frighten
the shit out of her.

93
00:05:29,381 --> 00:05:32,633
Okay? And she'll start getting really mixed
up because you're not there to protect her.

94
00:05:32,718 --> 00:05:34,677
She'll start questioning
her self-worth,

95
00:05:34,761 --> 00:05:36,929
start questioning her-
her self-esteem.

96
00:05:37,014 --> 00:05:39,306
And that's the perfect time
to "I"...

97
00:05:40,767 --> 00:05:42,601
"Inspire Hope."

98
00:05:42,686 --> 00:05:45,271
In Caylee's case, I went to
her window and I screamed...

99
00:05:45,355 --> 00:05:48,482
Caylee, listen.
Listen. Wait.

100
00:05:48,567 --> 00:05:51,902
I want to tell you that the reason
I was distant is because...

101
00:05:51,987 --> 00:05:55,156
I was afraid that you were
gonna break my heart...

102
00:05:55,240 --> 00:05:57,533
and I got scared.

103
00:05:57,617 --> 00:06:01,704
But I'm not scared
anymore, baby.

104
00:06:01,788 --> 00:06:05,166
I love you. I need you.

105
00:06:05,250 --> 00:06:08,085
And then, naturally, we bang.

106
00:06:25,187 --> 00:06:28,564
And this is the best bang of all
because it's very emotional for her.

107
00:06:28,648 --> 00:06:31,400
You see, she thinks she's broken
through my tough exterior...

108
00:06:31,485 --> 00:06:35,571
and coerced affection from a
man who is afraid to love.

109
00:06:35,655 --> 00:06:39,200
And then I slink out
into the night,

110
00:06:39,284 --> 00:06:41,744
never to talk to her again.

111
00:06:44,956 --> 00:06:47,333
"Separate Entirely."

112
00:06:47,417 --> 00:06:49,585
Yes, Mac.
That's right.

113
00:06:51,296 --> 00:06:52,797
I "S"...

114
00:06:52,881 --> 00:06:54,673
"Separate Entirely."

115
00:06:54,758 --> 00:07:00,096
D-E-N-N-I-S.

116
00:07:00,180 --> 00:07:02,014
The D.E.N.N.I.S. System.

117
00:07:02,099 --> 00:07:05,392
That, my friends, is the key
to winning any girl's heart.

118
00:07:05,519 --> 00:07:07,686
Yeah! All right!
Good stuff.

119
00:07:07,813 --> 00:07:09,730
Better than I remember it.
Oh, good!

120
00:07:09,815 --> 00:07:12,233
Are you kidding me?
You are not winning their hearts.

121
00:07:12,317 --> 00:07:14,443
You're torturing them
and they end up hating you.

122
00:07:14,569 --> 00:07:17,404
Actually, Dee, they end up loving me more
than they ever thought was possible.

123
00:07:17,489 --> 00:07:20,074
And you set it up so you can get
these chicks back at any time?

124
00:07:20,158 --> 00:07:23,661
That's exactly right, Charlie.
You're really picking up on this. I'm proud of you, bud.

125
00:07:23,745 --> 00:07:27,123
There is no way that girl is gonna come back
to you after what you just put her through.

126
00:07:27,207 --> 00:07:31,127
I could absolutely get that girl back
anytime I want. I just choose not to.

127
00:07:31,211 --> 00:07:33,754
I 100% guarantee you
this girl's finished with you.

128
00:07:33,839 --> 00:07:36,423
Well, I take that as a challenge,
Dee, and I accept that challenge.

129
00:07:36,508 --> 00:07:39,426
- I'll have her back by the end of the day.
- Yeah. Dee, you don't get it.

130
00:07:39,511 --> 00:07:42,388
This is what men do!
This is what men do! Yeah!

131
00:07:42,472 --> 00:07:44,849
This is man stuff, Dee!
Man stuff!

132
00:07:44,975 --> 00:07:46,934
Whee!
Man stuff!

133
00:07:50,814 --> 00:07:53,983
- This is what men-
- Yee-hoo!

134
00:07:54,067 --> 00:07:55,985
Aah-aah-aah!

135
00:07:56,069 --> 00:07:59,113
You're probably getting D.E.N.N.I.S.
'd right now by that new boyfriend of yours,

136
00:07:59,197 --> 00:08:00,781
and you don't even know it.

137
00:08:00,907 --> 00:08:03,826
What boyfriend? She don't have a boyfriend!
Yes, I do! Ben.

138
00:08:03,910 --> 00:08:07,037
You know, the online soldier that I met.
We're back together now.

139
00:08:07,122 --> 00:08:09,999
What? That dude wouldn't date you
after what you put him through!

140
00:08:10,125 --> 00:08:13,127
Maybe he'd D.E.N.N.I.S. you, but he wouldn't date you.
He's not D.E.N.N.I.S.-ing me!

141
00:08:13,211 --> 00:08:15,713
He's in the car right now.
I told him to wait for me.

142
00:08:21,553 --> 00:08:23,470
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
What?

143
00:08:23,555 --> 00:08:27,224
So, wait. Your guy has been waiting out
here the whole time in the hot sun?

144
00:08:27,309 --> 00:08:30,769
Yeah. I told him to wait for me.
He kinda does whatever I say. It's pretty great.

145
00:08:30,896 --> 00:08:34,315
Why'd you tell him to do it with the windows up?
That's cruel. The engine's not even on.

146
00:08:34,399 --> 00:08:38,152
I didn't. I just didn't tell him to do it with
the windows down. He's not the smartest, but...

147
00:08:38,236 --> 00:08:40,154
Dee, it's, like,
100 degrees outside.

148
00:08:40,238 --> 00:08:42,489
I'm assuming that he has
engaged you physically?

149
00:08:42,574 --> 00:08:45,159
Well, I mean, of course
we've engaged physically.

150
00:08:45,243 --> 00:08:47,161
Look at that body.
It is stupid.

151
00:08:47,245 --> 00:08:49,663
Of course we've engaged
over and over physically.

152
00:08:49,748 --> 00:08:53,000
But that doesn't mean that he's
pulling some sort of a system.

153
00:08:53,084 --> 00:08:58,380
Hey, guys! Hey- Hey, Dee!
I didn't see you there. Are you almost done?

154
00:08:58,465 --> 00:09:01,508
Yeah. Yeah. I got caught up in a story.
But I'll be done pretty soon.

155
00:09:01,593 --> 00:09:03,969
O-O-Okay. Well, do you
want me to come in?

156
00:09:04,054 --> 00:09:06,388
No. No, I don't. No.
You just- You just stay where you are.

157
00:09:06,473 --> 00:09:08,349
You know what? I'll text you
when I'm wrapping up.

158
00:09:08,475 --> 00:09:11,352
Then you can crank the A.C.
, cool the car off for me. Okay. Sure thing.

159
00:09:11,478 --> 00:09:14,688
See you, fellas. Okay.
Good. See you, man.

160
00:09:14,814 --> 00:09:17,441
Dee, you're getting played.
You're getting played big time.

161
00:09:17,567 --> 00:09:19,193
He's not doing anything.
Big time!

162
00:09:19,277 --> 00:09:21,237
He's just- I told him to sit...

163
00:09:27,661 --> 00:09:31,705
And there you go. Good to see you.
See you soon. Bye.

164
00:09:31,790 --> 00:09:34,500
- Hey, Caylee.
- What do you want?

165
00:09:34,584 --> 00:09:36,502
Listen,
before you say anything,

166
00:09:36,586 --> 00:09:40,714
I just want to say that I'm really sorry
for everything that went down between us.

167
00:09:40,799 --> 00:09:42,383
It's all my fault.

168
00:09:42,467 --> 00:09:44,969
Nana took a turn for the worse,

169
00:09:45,053 --> 00:09:50,557
and it's got
me in a really bad place.

170
00:09:50,642 --> 00:09:52,559
I just...

171
00:09:52,644 --> 00:09:55,479
I don't know what I
would do if she died.

172
00:09:57,023 --> 00:10:01,026
I don't think your
grandmother exists, Dennis.

173
00:10:04,364 --> 00:10:06,115
I beg your pardon?

174
00:10:06,199 --> 00:10:11,745
Uh, yeah. I looked into it. There's no, um, Dr.
Toboggan in Philadelphia either.

175
00:10:11,830 --> 00:10:14,707
Oh. No- Yeah, he doesn't-
He's not based in Philly.

176
00:10:14,833 --> 00:10:16,583
Oh, no?
Yeah.

177
00:10:16,710 --> 00:10:19,795
No, it says Philadelphia right there.
Oh. Yeah- No, that...

178
00:10:19,879 --> 00:10:24,300
I'm gonna call him because if he's still
giving people prescriptions on that pad,

179
00:10:24,384 --> 00:10:27,386
those people could get
in a lot of trouble.

180
00:10:35,312 --> 00:10:37,855
Oh! Whoa!
What the hell are you doing here?

181
00:10:37,981 --> 00:10:40,274
I'm swooping in on your chick.
What? No.

182
00:10:40,358 --> 00:10:42,943
Dude, I'm trying to re-D.E.N.N.I.S.
This chick so I can shove it in Dee's face.

183
00:10:43,028 --> 00:10:44,486
What is this
"swooping in" business?

184
00:10:44,571 --> 00:10:47,990
Oh, that's my system. The M.A.C.
"Move-in After Completion."

185
00:10:48,074 --> 00:10:49,533
I wait till you're done
with them.

186
00:10:49,617 --> 00:10:52,578
Then I swoop in, give them shoulder
to cry on, and then we hump.

187
00:10:52,704 --> 00:10:55,998
You been humping these girls after
I'm done with them? Oh, yeah, dude.

188
00:10:56,082 --> 00:10:58,667
I come in as the sensitive,
intellectual type.

189
00:10:58,752 --> 00:11:01,712
Why do you think I'm always reading books
and shit when we do the spider routine?

190
00:11:01,838 --> 00:11:04,256
I thought you were just my
wing man though. No. No.

191
00:11:04,341 --> 00:11:06,592
I'm swimming in your wake.

192
00:11:06,676 --> 00:11:08,844
- What are you two dickheads doing here?
- What are you doing here?

193
00:11:08,928 --> 00:11:12,598
- I'm here for the scraps. - I haven't had a
chance to get in there yet, okay? So just...

194
00:11:12,682 --> 00:11:14,141
What's taking you so long?

195
00:11:14,225 --> 00:11:17,353
Wait, wait, wait! You have a system
where you come in after Mac?

196
00:11:17,437 --> 00:11:20,898
That's right. I come in after Mac.
But he's taking forever this time.

197
00:11:20,982 --> 00:11:25,694
I got my magnum condoms.
I got my wad of hundreds. I'm ready to plow.

198
00:11:25,779 --> 00:11:29,156
You should see him feast.
He's like a mantis. It's amazing.

199
00:11:29,240 --> 00:11:32,368
Oh, that's good.
Call me that from now on.

200
00:11:32,494 --> 00:11:34,161
Mantis.
No!

201
00:11:34,245 --> 00:11:36,789
Nobody's calling you Man-
Look, you guys gotta back off, okay?

202
00:11:36,915 --> 00:11:39,249
I'm trying to re-D.E.N.N.I.S.
This chick. No, you back off!

203
00:11:39,334 --> 00:11:42,044
Wait a second, Frank. He's right.
It's a delicate ecosystem.

204
00:11:42,128 --> 00:11:44,505
We gotta stick with it.
Just let him do his thing.

205
00:11:44,631 --> 00:11:46,673
Then we'll come in for seconds
and scraps. Back off.

206
00:11:46,758 --> 00:11:48,842
Get out.
Just play it cool.

207
00:11:48,968 --> 00:11:50,886
Before she sees you.
Hurry up, though, because...

208
00:11:50,970 --> 00:11:53,389
Magnum condoms and a wad of hundreds.
Idiot.

209
00:11:54,474 --> 00:11:58,435
This is so exciting.
You're gonna love this.

210
00:11:58,520 --> 00:12:00,771
Okay, just stop
right there. Okay.

211
00:12:00,855 --> 00:12:03,941
And off with the-
Okay, here we are!

212
00:12:04,025 --> 00:12:06,568
I set up a picnic for us!

213
00:12:06,653 --> 00:12:08,570
What the hell are you doing?

214
00:12:08,655 --> 00:12:12,074
What- I- I set up a picnic.
Do you not like picnics?

215
00:12:12,158 --> 00:12:16,078
Okay. All right. I know what's going on.
I- I'm on to you, guy.

216
00:12:16,162 --> 00:12:19,081
You bring me out here to some
landfill in the middle of nowhere,

217
00:12:19,165 --> 00:12:21,708
you blindfold me
so I have no idea where I am...

218
00:12:21,793 --> 00:12:23,710
I'm gonna depend on you
to get home!

219
00:12:23,837 --> 00:12:26,713
Dee, do you want to go? Yeah. Oh, yeah.
I wanna go, but not with you!

220
00:12:26,840 --> 00:12:29,299
I'll go all by myself.
I'll take the bus. Okay.

221
00:12:29,426 --> 00:12:31,844
And I'll also take this. Thank you.
Here. Do you want a glass?

222
00:12:31,970 --> 00:12:33,429
No! Stop it!
Do you need bus fare?

223
00:12:33,555 --> 00:12:35,639
I don't need bus fare!
I'm not sure the bus comes out here anyway.

224
00:12:35,723 --> 00:12:38,892
- I'll walk then, okay?
- Wh- In your heels? They're very nice.

225
00:12:38,977 --> 00:12:41,895
- Here, take my boots. - Stop it!
Stop trying to make me depend on you, okay?

226
00:12:41,980 --> 00:12:44,606
I'm fine all by myself, buddy!
I'm doing just fine by myself.

227
00:12:50,864 --> 00:12:53,282
Oh, my God!
Are you okay?

228
00:12:53,366 --> 00:12:55,451
I'm fine!

229
00:12:55,535 --> 00:12:58,412
Well, just stay there.
I'm gonna come down to help.

230
00:12:58,496 --> 00:13:01,248
Leave me alone!
I won't give you the satisfaction!

231
00:13:01,332 --> 00:13:02,916
I'm fine!

232
00:13:03,001 --> 00:13:06,628
- I'm independent, and I
don't need you! - Wait!

233
00:13:06,713 --> 00:13:08,964
I don't need anybody!

234
00:13:09,090 --> 00:13:10,924
Where are you going?

235
00:13:11,009 --> 00:13:12,676
Shut up!

236
00:13:20,977 --> 00:13:23,103
Oh, what the hell!

237
00:13:23,188 --> 00:13:26,356
- Oh, what the hell, Charlie!
- Oh, hey! Look who's home!

238
00:13:26,483 --> 00:13:29,234
Uh- Hang on a second. What you doing there?
I'm calling the police.

239
00:13:29,319 --> 00:13:32,237
Oh, no! You don't have to call the police.
Check it out.

240
00:13:32,322 --> 00:13:34,323
I'm here just to
fix your garbage disposal.

241
00:13:34,407 --> 00:13:36,241
Is that a bag of hair
in your hand, Charlie?

242
00:13:36,326 --> 00:13:39,161
Have you been breaking into my
apartment and shoving hair in my sink?

243
00:13:39,245 --> 00:13:43,081
Okay. Okay! Let's start over.
We're getting way of topic here.

244
00:13:43,166 --> 00:13:47,794
I would like you to focus on the amount of
value that I am demonstrating to you...

245
00:13:47,879 --> 00:13:50,130
by fixing
your garbage disposal.

246
00:13:50,215 --> 00:13:51,840
Just get the hell
out of my apartment.

247
00:13:51,966 --> 00:13:53,842
Are you sure? 'Cause your garbage
disposal's a mess. Pretty sure.

248
00:13:53,968 --> 00:13:56,136
It's way worse than when I got here.
I think you should get out.

249
00:13:56,221 --> 00:13:58,555
All right. I like this blouse you're wearing.
That's nice. Is that new?

250
00:13:58,640 --> 00:13:59,848
What is that?
It's modern, right?

251
00:13:59,933 --> 00:14:02,893
This is my uniform that I have to
wear for my other job, and it's ugly.

252
00:14:02,977 --> 00:14:05,979
Well, no, it's not ugly.
It's just, you know- It's unique.

253
00:14:06,105 --> 00:14:09,316
So what's this new job?
I work at the fair.

254
00:14:09,400 --> 00:14:12,069
You're working at the fair!
Well, look at us, you know?

255
00:14:12,153 --> 00:14:15,531
I'm a plumber. You're a fair worker.
They go well together, right?

256
00:14:15,657 --> 00:14:19,034
Get out of my apartment.
Oh, all right.

257
00:14:21,037 --> 00:14:25,999
I don't know. I did everything right, and
I can't get past the letter "D," dude.

258
00:14:26,084 --> 00:14:29,211
- Well, what did you do exactly?
- I broke into her place.

259
00:14:29,295 --> 00:14:32,005
I ripped her sink apart.
I brought a bag of hair. You know what I mean?

260
00:14:32,131 --> 00:14:34,841
And I come across looking like a total jerk.
Yeah, of course.

261
00:14:34,926 --> 00:14:36,843
Because nothing that you just
described sounds correct.

262
00:14:36,928 --> 00:14:39,221
These are totally the type of things you
were talking about- slashing a girl's tires,

263
00:14:39,305 --> 00:14:40,764
doing scary voices.

264
00:14:40,848 --> 00:14:43,809
- Do you know anything about plumbing?
- Uh... no.

265
00:14:43,893 --> 00:14:47,187
Maybe it's just over my head, this system.
Maybe I should just stick to stalking.

266
00:14:47,313 --> 00:14:51,483
Maybe that's my system. She got a job at the fair.
It could be fun to stalk around a fair.

267
00:14:51,568 --> 00:14:55,571
Jesus Christ on the cross,
you look like shit.

268
00:14:55,697 --> 00:14:59,408
Yeah! That's 'cause I spent the night in the
woods trying to demonstrate my independence!

269
00:14:59,492 --> 00:15:02,828
Okay, clearly none of you have
any idea how to run my system!

270
00:15:02,912 --> 00:15:05,539
Goddamn- All right. I'm gonna get everybody
what they want, including myself.

271
00:15:05,623 --> 00:15:07,541
Let me just think for a second.

272
00:15:07,625 --> 00:15:11,336
Let me just work something
out here and then... we'll...

273
00:15:11,462 --> 00:15:15,048
What's he doing?

274
00:15:15,133 --> 00:15:17,301
Just shut up and let him work.

275
00:15:30,690 --> 00:15:32,232
We're going to the fair.

276
00:15:32,358 --> 00:15:33,942
Mmm!

277
00:15:34,027 --> 00:15:36,737
That will provide the perfect setting
for all of our needs to be met.

278
00:15:36,821 --> 00:15:40,115
You will demonstrate your value to the
waitress by winning a prize at her booth.

279
00:15:40,199 --> 00:15:43,118
Good, dude! Then I give her
the prize and that's good!

280
00:15:43,202 --> 00:15:44,870
No, that's dead wrong actually.

281
00:15:44,996 --> 00:15:48,165
You're gonna take the prize and award it
to the bustiest woman you can find. Okay?

282
00:15:48,249 --> 00:15:51,460
Your indifference to the waitress will
only make you more attractive to her.

283
00:15:51,544 --> 00:15:56,340
Now, Dee, because of your ridiculous
missteps, you actually have no value.

284
00:15:56,466 --> 00:15:59,134
Mm-hmm. So your only hope
is to lower Ben's value.

285
00:15:59,218 --> 00:16:02,137
You're gonna do this by flirting
with a carney in front of him.

286
00:16:02,221 --> 00:16:04,765
Oh, gosh, yeah, I don't know if
I want to deal with a carney.

287
00:16:04,849 --> 00:16:08,435
No one likes dealing with carneys, and
that's why Frank will pose as one.

288
00:16:08,519 --> 00:16:11,104
Now, Mac, you're
the final piece in this puzzle.

289
00:16:11,189 --> 00:16:16,360
I need you to resume your role as the thoughtful
roommate and invite Caylee out to the fair.

290
00:16:16,444 --> 00:16:19,738
There I shall be waiting
to win back her heart.

291
00:16:19,822 --> 00:16:24,493
- How you gonna do that?
- I gotta get myself a grandmother.

292
00:16:33,127 --> 00:16:35,045
What's happening?

293
00:16:35,129 --> 00:16:37,547
What's happening is,
we're at the fair, Gladys,

294
00:16:37,632 --> 00:16:39,675
and you're gonna act
like my grandma, okay?

295
00:16:39,759 --> 00:16:43,970
My grandmother had an affair
with Susan B. Anthony.

296
00:16:44,055 --> 00:16:47,099
I-I don't give a shit.
I'm paying you not to talk.

297
00:16:47,183 --> 00:16:50,310
Well, hello!
This is a coincidence, huh?

298
00:16:50,436 --> 00:16:53,605
No, it's not. No, it's not.
But it's exciting, isn't it?

299
00:16:53,690 --> 00:16:56,692
So, what game do we have here?
What game is this?

300
00:16:58,945 --> 00:17:01,530
Speed Pitch. That's all you do?
You throw a pitch?

301
00:17:01,614 --> 00:17:03,240
I mean, what prizes are there?

302
00:17:03,324 --> 00:17:05,200
There are no prizes, Charlie.

303
00:17:05,326 --> 00:17:07,577
It's just to see "how
fast can you throw." Oh!

304
00:17:07,662 --> 00:17:12,165
Then I guess I'll demonstrate my value to you
by firing off a wicked hot fastball, huh?

305
00:17:12,291 --> 00:17:15,210
You know this
game is for children, right?

306
00:17:15,294 --> 00:17:18,922
I don't care that it's for kids. All right?
Let me demonstrate my value to you. Please!

307
00:17:19,006 --> 00:17:22,092
When I was little, all the kids would
beat me up and call me Bookworm.

308
00:17:22,176 --> 00:17:24,970
- Right this way, Nana.
- Kids are so brutal.

309
00:17:25,054 --> 00:17:27,472
Oh. Hi, Mac, Caylee.
I didn't see you there.

310
00:17:27,557 --> 00:17:29,975
- What are you doing here?
- This is my nana.

311
00:17:30,059 --> 00:17:32,477
She's on the mend, so I wanted
to get her out of the house.

312
00:17:32,562 --> 00:17:37,149
- This is your grandmother? - Oh, yeah. Yeah.
This is Nana. Yeah. Isn't she precious?

313
00:17:37,233 --> 00:17:40,610
My grandmother was a lesbian.

314
00:17:45,199 --> 00:17:47,617
Well?
How does it look?

315
00:17:47,702 --> 00:17:49,911
It's great.
You look like a lizard.

316
00:17:50,037 --> 00:17:51,705
I like turtles.
Okay.

317
00:17:51,789 --> 00:17:54,666
Ooh, look! A carney!

318
00:17:57,545 --> 00:18:00,714
Lose the tie. You're way overdressed.
I got a new angle.

319
00:18:00,840 --> 00:18:02,966
What? No, Dennis,
this does not change...

320
00:18:03,092 --> 00:18:05,719
Leave us alone. What? What?
Just listen to me for one second, okay?

321
00:18:05,803 --> 00:18:08,722
Dennis, I've been looking all over for you.
Where you been?

322
00:18:08,806 --> 00:18:11,725
Hello. Dr. Toboggan.
Nice to meet you. Hi.

323
00:18:11,809 --> 00:18:13,685
Frank, what are you doing?

324
00:18:13,770 --> 00:18:17,731
Actually, it's Mantis.
Mantis Toboggan, M.D.

325
00:18:17,815 --> 00:18:21,568
I got your test results.
You're positive. You got the H.I.V.

326
00:18:21,694 --> 00:18:23,570
Yes, AIDS. Big time!
What the hell you talking about?

327
00:18:23,696 --> 00:18:25,030
Dennis, what- You got
the AIDS big time!

328
00:18:25,156 --> 00:18:28,158
What are you doing, dude?
Did you see her face? Look at her.

329
00:18:28,242 --> 00:18:31,411
I'm breaking her down.
I'm making her feel worthless. You see?

330
00:18:31,496 --> 00:18:34,122
She thinks she's got the H.
I.V. Then I slip in.

331
00:18:37,835 --> 00:18:40,420
No! No more thirds for Frankie!
Seconds from now on!

332
00:18:40,546 --> 00:18:42,881
All right!
That was rough!

333
00:18:42,965 --> 00:18:44,883
Fifteen.
Fifteen.

334
00:18:44,967 --> 00:18:47,928
It's 'cause I'm getting tired.
My arm's blown out.

335
00:18:48,054 --> 00:18:50,931
Hey, Speed Pitch. You want to play?
Okay.

336
00:18:51,015 --> 00:18:53,266
Oh! Hey, wait, wait. Hey, guy.
Do you work here?

337
00:18:53,392 --> 00:18:56,853
Yeah. Yeah! Oh, shit.
Ben, look. A carney.

338
00:18:56,938 --> 00:18:58,688
Hey.

339
00:19:00,733 --> 00:19:03,568
So, I wonder if there's a kissing
booth anywhere close.

340
00:19:03,653 --> 00:19:05,195
Sixty-four!

341
00:19:05,279 --> 00:19:07,197
Ow! Ow!

342
00:19:07,281 --> 00:19:09,574
Ow, you stabbed me!
He stabbed me with a key!

343
00:19:09,700 --> 00:19:11,493
Will someone- someone
call a doctor! Ow!

344
00:19:11,577 --> 00:19:14,496
You idiot! Why would you stab me?
I was flirting with you!

345
00:19:14,580 --> 00:19:16,206
That guy paid me to.

346
00:19:16,290 --> 00:19:19,084
You weren't supposed to stab her, man!
You were supposed to stab her!

347
00:19:19,168 --> 00:19:21,294
What?
You want to have me stabbed?

348
00:19:21,379 --> 00:19:23,672
I was gonna protect you
from the stabbing.

349
00:19:23,756 --> 00:19:25,382
Wrong! Wrong!

350
00:19:25,466 --> 00:19:27,050
Wrong! Wrong!

351
00:19:27,134 --> 00:19:30,053
You're supposed to let her get stabbed,
hope that it hits a main artery,

352
00:19:30,137 --> 00:19:32,681
and then as she's dying
you nurse her back to health,

353
00:19:32,807 --> 00:19:35,183
thereby making her totally
dependent on you! Ohh!

354
00:19:35,268 --> 00:19:38,270
See, this is why nobody
should be going off my system!

355
00:19:38,354 --> 00:19:40,272
What do you mean,
"Off your system?"

356
00:19:40,356 --> 00:19:42,691
My system of seduction
that I used to win your heart,

357
00:19:42,775 --> 00:19:44,693
that these idiots
are ruining right now!

358
00:19:44,777 --> 00:19:46,695
Ben's the only one
who's using it properly.

359
00:19:46,779 --> 00:19:49,823
- Ben, explain the system.
- I don't know what you're talking about.

360
00:19:49,949 --> 00:19:53,910
You had your face painted like a goddamn frog
person and you have no ulterior motive here?

361
00:19:53,995 --> 00:19:56,371
- I'm a lizard.
- Oh, whoops! Oh!

362
00:19:56,455 --> 00:20:02,377
I dropped my monster condom
that I use for my magnum dong.

363
00:20:02,461 --> 00:20:04,337
I'm out of here.

364
00:20:04,463 --> 00:20:06,339
I'll give you a ride!
Thank you.

365
00:20:06,465 --> 00:20:08,341
What? What are you doing?
I'm leaving.

366
00:20:08,467 --> 00:20:10,343
Dee, I don't like you.
Well, how is that possible?

367
00:20:10,469 --> 00:20:12,387
You're a mean person.

368
00:20:12,471 --> 00:20:14,514
You know what?
You go! You get outta here!

369
00:20:14,640 --> 00:20:17,183
Way to go, jerks! Good job!
Yeah? Way to go to you.

370
00:20:17,310 --> 00:20:20,353
You work at a fair, carney!
Don't call her a carney, man.

371
00:20:20,438 --> 00:20:22,188
I don't need you to take up for me!
Get out of here!

372
00:20:22,315 --> 00:20:24,941
Shut up! Just go! Get outta here!
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

373
00:20:25,026 --> 00:20:27,819
Idiots ruining my system.
Everybody ruins my system! Nobody gets it!

374
00:20:27,945 --> 00:20:29,863
Oh, system, my ass.
I hate carnivals.

375
00:20:29,947 --> 00:20:31,865
I need a ride.

376
00:20:31,949 --> 00:20:35,577
Is there anybody out there
that could take me home?

377
00:21:17,453 --> 00:21:18,453
ENGLISH - US - PSDH