1 00:00:03,430 --> 00:00:06,752 Pretty crowded tonight, huh? 2 00:00:06,830 --> 00:00:09,561 Yeah, well, it's Gugino's, you know-best restaurant in Philadelphia. 3 00:00:09,630 --> 00:00:11,394 To our monthly dinner. 4 00:00:11,470 --> 00:00:15,839 Monthly dinner, baby. I've been looking forward to this for... 29 days. 5 00:00:15,910 --> 00:00:18,800 Me too. I did my hair good, and I wore two colognes. 6 00:00:18,910 --> 00:00:20,435 Is that what that is? Mm-hmm. 7 00:00:20,510 --> 00:00:23,116 That was an interesting choice, butlgetH, dude. You're excited. 8 00:00:23,190 --> 00:00:26,637 You are excited about tonight. Hey, hell, I'm excited tonight, you know? 9 00:00:28,310 --> 00:00:30,472 Not terribly excited about being near the kitchen though. 10 00:00:30,550 --> 00:00:32,234 Really? It's where the action is. 11 00:00:32,310 --> 00:00:34,438 Maybe we'll get lucky and watch one of these dumb-ass waiters... 12 00:00:34,510 --> 00:00:36,030 spill spaghetti sauce all over himself. 13 00:00:36,110 --> 00:00:38,351 Fall down or something. Okay, all right. 14 00:00:38,430 --> 00:00:41,434 Well, let's not be childish. Let's- Let's keep it classy. You know, let's- 15 00:00:41,510 --> 00:00:44,434 Classy. I can-I can do classy. I can be classy. 16 00:00:44,550 --> 00:00:46,040 Mm-hmm. 17 00:00:46,910 --> 00:00:48,912 Did you invite Frank and Charlie? 18 00:00:48,990 --> 00:00:50,480 No, I didn't. 19 00:00:50,590 --> 00:00:52,035 Hi. Hi. 20 00:00:52,150 --> 00:00:54,801 How many will you guys be? Two. And give us a nice table. 21 00:00:54,910 --> 00:00:56,480 Great. This is a big night for us. 22 00:00:56,550 --> 00:00:58,473 We're celebrating our anniversary. 23 00:00:58,550 --> 00:01:00,168 Or the anniversary of us moving in together, 24 00:01:00,180 --> 00:01:01,918 which is like an anniver-it's been a long time. 25 00:01:02,030 --> 00:01:05,079 It's an anniversary. That's what it is, really. Well, great. 26 00:01:05,190 --> 00:01:08,000 Uh-Oh, okay. Oh, okay. Uh- Take that for yourself. 27 00:01:08,070 --> 00:01:10,118 You can just hand that to me. 28 00:01:10,230 --> 00:01:12,710 I was trying to feel your breast. I got that. 29 00:01:12,830 --> 00:01:14,697 Yeah, but he was trying to feel your breast and 30 00:01:14,709 --> 00:01:16,510 give you the tip so that we got a good table. 31 00:01:16,550 --> 00:01:19,554 I want a good table. Oh, hey. Hey, hey, hey! 32 00:01:19,670 --> 00:01:21,798 Mac and Dennis are here. Should we sit with them? 33 00:01:21,870 --> 00:01:25,317 Really? Mmm, Charlie, this is our night. 34 00:01:25,390 --> 00:01:27,996 Yeah, but we could all celebrate it together. That'd be fun. 35 00:01:28,070 --> 00:01:30,038 We can do our thing. They can do their thing. 36 00:01:30,110 --> 00:01:33,831 I'm sure at some point they'll come over to pay tribute. We can say hi to them then. 37 00:01:33,910 --> 00:01:36,675 That's weird. I know Charlie sees me, 38 00:01:36,750 --> 00:01:39,037 but they seem to be sitting at their own table. 39 00:01:39,110 --> 00:01:42,034 Well, good. Good. They should sit at their own table. 40 00:01:42,150 --> 00:01:45,199 Look, I'm sure at some point they'll come over and they'll pay tribute to us. 41 00:01:45,270 --> 00:01:47,796 They know it's our monthly dinner. We can say hi to them then. 42 00:01:47,870 --> 00:01:50,521 Yeah. Still, seems kind of awkward though. 43 00:01:50,590 --> 00:01:53,355 No, no. Look, we spend every waking minute together. 44 00:01:53,430 --> 00:01:55,478 It'll be good for us to keep our distance for once. 45 00:01:55,550 --> 00:01:59,760 It's one minor coincidence. Doesn't go any further than that. 46 00:02:01,150 --> 00:02:02,993 Goddamn it. 47 00:02:29,870 --> 00:02:32,396 Can't believe they haven't come over to pay me tribute yet. 48 00:02:32,470 --> 00:02:34,711 I was here first. I know they see me. 49 00:02:34,790 --> 00:02:36,952 They're probably over there right now making fun of me. 50 00:02:37,030 --> 00:02:38,520 L9eTW, guys. 51 00:02:38,590 --> 00:02:40,752 You know what they're doing? They're calling me “Scarecrow.” 52 00:02:40,830 --> 00:02:43,674 'Cause I'm all alone in the cornfields, scaring away the other birds. 53 00:02:43,750 --> 00:02:47,391 Real funny. You know what? There's no shame in a woman, an adult woman, 54 00:02:47,470 --> 00:02:50,201 taking herself out to dinner, enjoying her own company. 55 00:02:50,270 --> 00:02:52,591 I'm not gonna leave. I'm not gonna leave because I don't have to, 56 00:02:52,670 --> 00:02:56,914 and also I can't because I have a Groupon for this evening that expires tonight. 57 00:02:56,990 --> 00:02:59,596 It does expire tonight, doesn't it? 58 00:02:59,670 --> 00:03:01,434 Uh, yeah. 59 00:03:01,550 --> 00:03:03,632 L- Yes, it does. I'm sorry. Geez. 60 00:03:03,750 --> 00:03:08,119 Are you going to order now? Well, I'm trying to have a conversation with you. 61 00:03:08,190 --> 00:03:10,761 Why don't you sit down for a little while, take a break. 62 00:03:10,830 --> 00:03:12,434 Oh! Are you almost off? Are you off soon? 63 00:03:12,550 --> 00:03:15,270 Should you sit and have dinner with me tonight? No. Got a long shift. 64 00:03:15,310 --> 00:03:16,880 Uh, I cannot do that. 65 00:03:16,950 --> 00:03:20,352 Uh, maybe I could at least get a drink order? We're really busy tonight. 66 00:03:20,470 --> 00:03:22,438 Does the Groupon cover drinks? Nope. 67 00:03:22,510 --> 00:03:24,512 Just the tap water then. 68 00:03:26,990 --> 00:03:28,958 I can't believe this. 69 00:03:29,030 --> 00:03:30,953 They still haven't paid tribute. It's been 10 minutes. 70 00:03:31,030 --> 00:03:33,870 Not a wave, not a nod. Have you seen them do anything to acknowledge us? 71 00:03:33,910 --> 00:03:37,392 I thought we agreed that we would not let it get to us. it's not getting to me. 72 00:03:37,470 --> 00:03:39,632 It's just, you know, a little bit rude is all I'm saying. 73 00:03:39,710 --> 00:03:41,394 It's, you know, irritating. Whatever. I don't care. 74 00:03:41,510 --> 00:03:43,672 I'ml'm over it. Okay. 75 00:03:43,750 --> 00:03:45,832 How good is their table though? 76 00:03:45,950 --> 00:03:48,112 Oh. Um-Don't-Don't-Don't- Don't look directly at them. 77 00:03:48,190 --> 00:03:51,831 Jesus Christ. Just glance around the room a little bit. You know, land on them. 78 00:03:51,950 --> 00:03:53,998 Glance around the room? Yeah. 79 00:03:54,550 --> 00:03:56,075 Too obvious! 80 00:03:56,150 --> 00:03:57,800 How do you want me to look at them? 81 00:03:57,910 --> 00:04:00,356 With your eyes. Just look with your eyes. Be subtle. Be small. 82 00:04:00,430 --> 00:04:02,956 My eyes, they slant down. I don't have a good peripheral. 83 00:04:03,030 --> 00:04:05,271 Just be- Can you just be subtle? 84 00:04:05,350 --> 00:04:08,001 It's a good table. It's a good table. 85 00:04:08,070 --> 00:04:10,755 - How'd they get a better table than us? - I don't know. 86 00:04:10,870 --> 00:04:12,474 Dennis, can we just focus on us? Yeah. 87 00:04:12,630 --> 00:04:14,553 It's our monthly dinner. Don't let them ruin it. Yeah. 88 00:04:14,630 --> 00:04:17,952 Okay? I have some issues that I wanna talk to you- 89 00:04:18,030 --> 00:04:19,634 Ah, shit. Really? 90 00:04:19,710 --> 00:04:22,919 No, I-Look, let's-let's keep things light. I don't wanna get all heavy. 91 00:04:22,990 --> 00:04:26,517 Let's not let tonight become more unpleasant than it's already become, okay? 92 00:04:26,590 --> 00:04:28,274 I mean, already I'm irritated. I'm- 93 00:04:28,350 --> 00:04:30,751 I'm already sitting on the wobbliest chair in the entire restaurant. 94 00:04:30,830 --> 00:04:33,401 All right, we'll just ask the waiter for a book of matches. 95 00:04:33,470 --> 00:04:35,711 I don't wanna sit on a pile of matches. I'll just scoot back. 96 00:04:35,830 --> 00:04:37,832 It's fine. It's fine. Oh, but now I feel like... 97 00:04:37,950 --> 00:04:39,361 you're sitting so far away from me. 98 00:04:39,470 --> 00:04:41,040 It's gonna be fine. Okay. 99 00:04:41,110 --> 00:04:43,351 This is a perfectly suitable distance for us to have our monthly dinner. 100 00:04:45,070 --> 00:04:46,799 I am so sorry. [ Shouts ] Are you? 101 00:04:46,870 --> 00:04:48,918 - His chair's wobbly. - Oh. Okay. 102 00:04:48,990 --> 00:04:51,038 Let me get you a book of matches to put under there. 103 00:04:51,110 --> 00:04:52,953 I don't wanna sit on a pile of matches. 104 00:04:53,030 --> 00:04:55,397 Dennis, it's not like your chair's gonna catch on fire. 105 00:04:55,510 --> 00:04:58,195 Oh, Christ, I'm not worried about my chair catching on fire. 106 00:04:58,270 --> 00:05:01,274 Look, sir, can you just get us a better table in general? 107 00:05:01,390 --> 00:05:04,599 Unfortunately, no. We're fully booked tonight due to a Groupon deal. 108 00:05:04,670 --> 00:05:06,832 Oh, that sounds excellent. We'll have one of those. 109 00:05:06,910 --> 00:05:08,878 No, we won't. We don't need a coupon. 110 00:05:08,950 --> 00:05:11,032 Frankly, I'm disappointed in you people. This is Gugino's. 111 00:05:11,150 --> 00:05:13,152 You're supposed to be the nicest restaurant in Philadelphia. 112 00:05:13,230 --> 00:05:15,471 Here I am, a regular, a full-paying customer, 113 00:05:15,550 --> 00:05:18,394 and I'm sat by the kitchen on the wobbliest chair in Philadelphia, 114 00:05:18,470 --> 00:05:22,475 you know, forced to eat dinner with this swarm of coupon-waving trash. 115 00:05:22,550 --> 00:05:24,750 This is crazy. You know what? Forget it. Doesn't matter. 116 00:05:24,790 --> 00:05:26,997 Get me a pile of matches to sit on. That'll be fine. 117 00:05:27,110 --> 00:05:29,033 Okay. No, wait, wait, wait. 118 00:05:29,110 --> 00:05:30,760 There's more. 119 00:05:30,830 --> 00:05:32,673 There's an old, short, fat man here. 120 00:05:32,750 --> 00:05:35,594 He sat with his young sleeping partner. 121 00:05:35,710 --> 00:05:39,112 Bring them a glass of the house red from us. Of course. 122 00:05:39,190 --> 00:05:41,352 Although the table did just order cocktails, so maybe- 123 00:05:41,470 --> 00:05:44,235 I don't need their entire life story. Just go get the wine. 124 00:05:44,350 --> 00:05:46,114 Okay- 125 00:05:47,150 --> 00:05:50,313 Well, that was a nice gesture. Was it? 126 00:05:52,150 --> 00:05:53,754 Charlie. Hmm? 127 00:05:53,830 --> 00:05:55,400 Stop looking over there. 128 00:05:55,470 --> 00:05:57,598 Can we just go over and say a quick hello, all right? 129 00:05:57,670 --> 00:05:59,160 Then it's done with. There's no more awkwardness. 130 00:05:59,230 --> 00:06:01,995 Charlie, I am the oldest one in the group. 131 00:06:02,070 --> 00:06:04,721 If anybody's gonna say a quick hello, it's them to me. 132 00:06:04,830 --> 00:06:08,277 I just feel like it's gonna become a bigger deal than it needs to be, you know? 133 00:06:08,350 --> 00:06:10,478 Then forget it. 134 00:06:10,590 --> 00:06:12,991 Yeah? This is our night, Charlie. 135 00:06:13,110 --> 00:06:14,760 All right. Listen. 136 00:06:14,830 --> 00:06:16,878 I prepared a few words for the evening. 137 00:06:16,990 --> 00:06:18,435 All right? Okay. 138 00:06:18,550 --> 00:06:22,919 All right. Charlie, I wanna talk about where we are, 139 00:06:22,990 --> 00:06:25,960 where we've been and where we're going to be. 140 00:06:26,070 --> 00:06:28,550 Where are we going? Don't interrupt. 141 00:06:31,590 --> 00:06:35,994 Living with you has... changed my life. 142 00:06:36,110 --> 00:06:37,874 L-I used to be unaware- 143 00:06:37,950 --> 00:06:40,999 - Hi. Sorry to bother you. - What are you doing, man? 144 00:06:41,070 --> 00:06:43,072 I'm in the middle of something here. Get out of here. 145 00:06:43,150 --> 00:06:45,630 Of course. I just wanted to deliver a glass of our house red... 146 00:06:45,710 --> 00:06:48,077 from the two gentlemen near the kitchen. Beat it. 147 00:06:50,670 --> 00:06:52,160 Well, great. 148 00:06:52,230 --> 00:06:53,880 See, there's your tribute, Frank. Awesome. 149 00:06:53,990 --> 00:06:55,913 Now can we go over and say a quick hello? No. 150 00:06:55,990 --> 00:06:57,674 I'm in the middle of saying some words to you. 151 00:06:57,750 --> 00:06:59,710 Yeah, but you said 'em, and they were weird, like- 152 00:06:59,790 --> 00:07:02,760 How about I just stand and I bow? No. Ignore them. 153 00:07:02,830 --> 00:07:06,198 This is ridiculous. I mean, that was a very nice gesture. 154 00:07:06,270 --> 00:07:09,877 Was it? One glass of wine for two people, and the house red? 155 00:07:09,950 --> 00:07:13,193 That wasn't nice. They're just trying to agitate us. 156 00:07:13,270 --> 00:07:17,912 Hmm. Well, two can play at that game. 157 00:07:23,230 --> 00:07:25,437 Hey. Ooh, hey! 158 00:07:25,510 --> 00:07:27,478 You, help. Over here. 159 00:07:27,590 --> 00:07:29,752 Me? Yeah, yeah, yeah, you. Please. Help. 160 00:07:29,870 --> 00:07:32,271 Help me. Sit. Sit. Please sit. Help. 161 00:07:32,390 --> 00:07:34,518 Is everything okay? No, everything's not okay. 162 00:07:34,590 --> 00:07:36,513 There are men here, and they're watching me. 163 00:07:36,670 --> 00:07:38,877 Oh, shit! Shh! Just look at me. Just look right at me. 164 00:07:38,950 --> 00:07:42,318 Everything's gonna be fine, but I'm in a lot of shit. Okay? So I need your help. 165 00:07:42,390 --> 00:07:44,631 Oh, good. You have a friend. Hi. 166 00:07:44,750 --> 00:07:46,912 Can I take your order now? Yes. 167 00:07:46,990 --> 00:07:50,881 I'm not with her. There is some shit going down right now. 168 00:07:50,950 --> 00:07:52,475 No, no, no, no, no, no, no. 169 00:07:52,550 --> 00:07:54,917 He's just Please, let's order. 170 00:07:54,990 --> 00:07:56,799 Look, you told me you was in trouble. 171 00:07:56,870 --> 00:07:58,872 - I don't know what's happening here. - No, it's okay, I'm fine. 172 00:07:58,950 --> 00:08:00,554 Do you wanna split an appetizer? 173 00:08:00,630 --> 00:08:03,236 No. I don't need this shit. 174 00:08:03,310 --> 00:08:05,039 Wait. Well-Ow. 175 00:08:05,110 --> 00:08:08,273 You know, if you just order, we can get your food out really quickly... 176 00:08:08,350 --> 00:08:12,435 and you wouldn't have to be embarrassed about being here alone for very long. 177 00:08:12,510 --> 00:08:14,956 I'll tell you what I'm gonna do. I-I'm gonna go ahead and order... 178 00:08:15,030 --> 00:08:17,237 when I'm goddamn good and ready to order. 179 00:08:18,710 --> 00:08:23,752 [ Laughing 1 Is that table having a meal... 180 00:08:23,830 --> 00:08:26,959 consisting only of loud noise, screams and hollers? 181 00:08:27,030 --> 00:08:30,079 Uh, they seem to be celebrating something. 182 00:08:30,150 --> 00:08:32,118 Oh, it could be a tactical victory. What do you think? 183 00:08:32,230 --> 00:08:34,153 Sure. Whom Okay. 184 00:08:34,310 --> 00:08:36,472 How's the chair now? 185 00:08:36,550 --> 00:08:39,030 Still wobbly. Why don't you just get me a new chair? 186 00:08:39,190 --> 00:08:41,761 I don't think it's the chair. You don't think it's the chair. 187 00:08:41,830 --> 00:08:45,915 Well, maybe my old pal, uh, Abraham Lincoln begs to differ. 188 00:08:46,030 --> 00:08:48,397 Oh, okay, yeah, uh- You can just hand it to me. 189 00:08:48,510 --> 00:08:50,558 Hello. Your waiter. Great. 190 00:08:50,630 --> 00:08:52,280 Hi. Can you get him a new chair, please? 191 00:08:52,350 --> 00:08:53,840 Sure. Sure can. Oh! Oh! 192 00:08:53,910 --> 00:08:58,393 Maybe this George Washington will make it come here faster. 193 00:09:02,510 --> 00:09:04,035 Okay- 194 00:09:05,390 --> 00:09:07,961 This wine is for you. 195 00:09:08,030 --> 00:09:10,431 Ah. Management sent us a bottle to accommodate us. 196 00:09:10,510 --> 00:09:13,116 Actually, it was your friends over at the other table. 197 00:09:13,190 --> 00:09:17,479 And they wanted me to relay to you that it's our most expensive bottle. 198 00:09:17,550 --> 00:09:19,837 They said to say that. 199 00:09:19,910 --> 00:09:22,561 That's a classy move. I'm gonna stand up and bow. 200 00:09:22,630 --> 00:09:24,678 No. Do not stand and bow. 201 00:09:24,750 --> 00:09:27,151 Let me think. We've gotta do something in return. 202 00:09:27,230 --> 00:09:30,315 Okay- I'll tell you what. 203 00:09:30,390 --> 00:09:32,119 We'll send it back. You know? 204 00:09:32,190 --> 00:09:33,840 We'll say we don't want that. 205 00:09:33,910 --> 00:09:37,392 We'll tell them that-what is it- Chilean wine is out of season... 206 00:09:37,470 --> 00:09:40,394 and that their taste in wine in general is very poor. 207 00:09:40,470 --> 00:09:42,552 No, that's-We got to be more subtle than that. 208 00:09:42,670 --> 00:09:44,832 I don't want them to know that we're thinking about them. 209 00:09:44,910 --> 00:09:46,878 What are you doing? What are you doing? 210 00:09:46,950 --> 00:09:48,011 Are you staring at them? 211 00:09:48,023 --> 00:09:49,920 Yeah, dude. Charlie's looking right at me. 212 00:09:49,990 --> 00:09:51,799 Stop it. Dude, stop it. 213 00:09:51,870 --> 00:09:53,793 Stop looking-Stop- 214 00:09:53,870 --> 00:09:56,999 All right, you know what? Goddamn it, I'm just gonna pour the wine out. 215 00:09:59,270 --> 00:10:02,274 Goddamn it! That son of a bitch is pouring out my wine. 216 00:10:02,350 --> 00:10:05,593 Look, can you just let it go, Frank? Okay? 217 00:10:05,670 --> 00:10:07,354 You're ruining this night for me, okay? 218 00:10:07,430 --> 00:10:10,081 I'm sure he had a perfectly good reason for pouring out a glass of wine. 219 00:10:10,190 --> 00:10:11,794 I wanna go over there. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. 220 00:10:11,910 --> 00:10:14,641 Just like he had a perfectly good reason for not inviting you to dinner. 221 00:10:14,710 --> 00:10:16,474 He had a good- 222 00:10:16,550 --> 00:10:19,076 Wait. What do you mean by that? 223 00:10:19,150 --> 00:10:21,312 Don't make me say it, Charlie. 224 00:10:21,390 --> 00:10:23,392 I know you're not as dumb as you seem. 225 00:10:24,830 --> 00:10:27,834 Well, let's just say that I am. 226 00:10:27,910 --> 00:10:30,720 Those two guys don't give a shit about you, Charlie. 227 00:10:30,790 --> 00:10:33,441 You bought a business together. They made you a janitor. 228 00:10:33,510 --> 00:10:35,512 Th-They didn't make me a janitor. There was a- 229 00:10:35,630 --> 00:10:38,315 Hmm? Oh, my God. 230 00:10:39,190 --> 00:10:41,352 It's time to fire back. 231 00:10:46,910 --> 00:10:49,675 [ Laughing 1 232 00:10:49,790 --> 00:10:52,316 Aw, I gotta get over there. Hi, ma'am. 233 00:10:52,430 --> 00:10:55,001 Sorry to bug you again. Oh, my God. I'll just take a plate of spaghetti. 234 00:10:55,070 --> 00:10:56,913 Oh, great. Didn't expect that. 235 00:10:56,990 --> 00:10:59,721 Uh, actually, I was coming over to see if I could take your chair. 236 00:10:59,870 --> 00:11:03,431 What? No. What for? I'm trying to accommodate that gentleman over there. 237 00:11:03,510 --> 00:11:05,990 Oh, goddamn it. Oh, that's a dig. 238 00:11:06,070 --> 00:11:07,835 All right, fine. Take the chair. But when 239 00:11:07,847 --> 00:11:09,836 you're over there, tie his shoelaces together. 240 00:11:09,910 --> 00:11:12,834 You want me to... tie a customer's shoelaces together? 241 00:11:12,910 --> 00:11:16,710 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Look, I'm in the biz, guy. I'm a waitress, okay? 242 00:11:16,790 --> 00:11:19,919 Look, let's team up and stick it to that guy. It'll be hilarious. 243 00:11:20,030 --> 00:11:22,920 I would lose my job. 244 00:11:22,990 --> 00:11:25,391 “Oh, no. I-l would lose my job, 245 00:11:25,470 --> 00:11:27,552 and I wouldn't be able to work at Gugino's anymore, 246 00:11:27,630 --> 00:11:29,314 and my family, they'd be so disappointed... 247 00:11:29,390 --> 00:11:31,438 'cause they're currently so proud of my accomplishments.” 248 00:11:31,510 --> 00:11:34,878 I mean, God, lighten up, guy. 249 00:11:34,990 --> 00:11:36,560 I'm gonna take the chair. 250 00:11:36,630 --> 00:11:39,110 Fine. Take the goddamn chair. Just don't make a big scene. 251 00:11:49,110 --> 00:11:51,841 How's the new chair? Oh, it's terrible, Mac. Thank you for asking. 252 00:11:51,910 --> 00:11:53,992 It might be worse than the first one. 253 00:11:54,070 --> 00:11:57,791 I mean, I cannot find a single flat spot in this entire restaurant. 254 00:11:57,870 --> 00:11:59,395 Maybe that's it. 255 00:11:59,470 --> 00:12:03,361 Goddamn it! This entire night is ruined. 256 00:12:03,430 --> 00:12:05,478 Dude, Stop m Okay? 257 00:12:05,550 --> 00:12:08,520 You're the one who's ruining this. I am enjoying myself. 258 00:12:08,590 --> 00:12:11,594 I'm enjoying our table. I'm trying to start the conversations. 259 00:12:11,670 --> 00:12:13,160 I wore two colognes. 260 00:12:13,230 --> 00:12:15,836 Oh, I'm very aware of how much cologne you're wearing, Mac. 261 00:12:15,950 --> 00:12:17,440 It's overwhelming me. 262 00:12:17,510 --> 00:12:20,434 Every time the goddamn kitchen door opens, it wafts into my face. 263 00:12:20,510 --> 00:12:24,037 Hey, I like the way I smell. And I like me. 264 00:12:24,110 --> 00:12:27,512 And I haven't even gotten to talk about what I wanted to talk about, 265 00:12:27,590 --> 00:12:30,594 which is an issue that has been weighing on me, so I'm just gonna say it, okay? 266 00:12:32,230 --> 00:12:34,995 When I wanted to get the karaoke machine for our apartment, 267 00:12:35,070 --> 00:12:37,641 you laughed in my face. 268 00:12:37,750 --> 00:12:40,560 That's what this is about? Yes. 269 00:12:40,630 --> 00:12:43,076 The karaoke machine? Mac, you can't sing. 270 00:12:43,150 --> 00:12:45,630 It's not about singing! Okay? 271 00:12:45,710 --> 00:12:48,441 It's about you always putting me down. And you know what? 272 00:12:48,510 --> 00:12:50,512 I don't care. It doesn't matter. I'm out of here. 273 00:12:50,590 --> 00:12:52,115 Where you going? 274 00:12:52,190 --> 00:12:54,192 I'm gonna go sit with Frank and Charlie. 275 00:12:54,270 --> 00:12:56,671 Do not go to them. No, sit down. Sit. 276 00:12:56,750 --> 00:12:58,275 Sit! 277 00:12:59,510 --> 00:13:01,433 Say something nice to me. 278 00:13:01,510 --> 00:13:03,353 What? 279 00:13:03,430 --> 00:13:06,559 I'm not going to sit down until you say something nice to me... 280 00:13:06,630 --> 00:13:08,951 for once in your life. 281 00:13:13,390 --> 00:13:15,711 Your hair looks small. 282 00:13:15,790 --> 00:13:17,872 Oh, for- Okay, okay, okay, Mac. 283 00:13:17,950 --> 00:13:20,635 All right, sit down. Sit, please. Sit. 284 00:13:20,710 --> 00:13:22,200 Please sit down. 285 00:13:25,110 --> 00:13:27,317 Okay, listen. Listen. 286 00:13:27,390 --> 00:13:29,711 You remember that night at Dooley's pool party? 287 00:13:29,790 --> 00:13:31,280 On that fine summer eve... 288 00:13:31,350 --> 00:13:33,921 when I did that double jackknife twist and blew everybody's tits off? 289 00:13:33,990 --> 00:13:35,594 You remember that? 290 00:13:35,670 --> 00:13:38,196 And then I went down on Chrissie Orlando on the trampoline later that night? 291 00:13:38,270 --> 00:13:39,715 You're just complimenting yourself. 292 00:13:39,790 --> 00:13:42,316 No, listen. I'm going somewhere with this. 293 00:13:42,390 --> 00:13:46,873 The only reason I was even able to attempt that amazing feat of courage was... 294 00:13:47,910 --> 00:13:50,072 because I knew if I failed, you would- 295 00:13:50,150 --> 00:13:52,152 [ Frank] Everybody. 296 00:13:52,270 --> 00:13:54,841 Hello. All the patrons of Gugino's, listen up. 297 00:13:54,910 --> 00:13:58,551 - Hi, everybody. - Frank Reynolds, Charlie Kelly. 298 00:13:58,630 --> 00:14:00,553 We would like to make a toast. 299 00:14:00,630 --> 00:14:03,952 Now, in front of you, you each see, you have a glass of sambuca. 300 00:14:04,030 --> 00:14:06,601 - Yeah. Okay. Everyone got it? - You see this white, beautiful drink? 301 00:14:06,710 --> 00:14:09,361 Yeah. Dude, everybody has sambuca but us. 302 00:14:09,430 --> 00:14:11,353 Now, we have an American hero tonight. 303 00:14:11,430 --> 00:14:14,354 So quick round of applause for our troop here. 304 00:14:14,430 --> 00:14:16,239 Nice-looking fella. 305 00:14:17,830 --> 00:14:21,277 And to anyone who does not have a glass of sambuca-Look around now. 306 00:14:21,350 --> 00:14:24,081 You'll see them. Those people refuse to drink. 307 00:14:24,150 --> 00:14:26,676 Yeah. They don't know how to pay tribute. 308 00:14:26,830 --> 00:14:29,310 They hate America. They hate the troops. Mmm. 309 00:14:29,390 --> 00:14:31,870 They hate the people who work hardest for them. 310 00:14:31,990 --> 00:14:34,311 They turn them into janitors. Mmm. 311 00:14:34,390 --> 00:14:36,836 It's not right. Ah! 312 00:14:36,910 --> 00:14:39,754 Damn 'em to hell. To the troops! 313 00:14:39,870 --> 00:14:42,157 To the troops! Cheers! 314 00:14:43,110 --> 00:14:44,635 To America! 315 00:14:44,710 --> 00:14:46,951 Good job, fellas! We did it! 316 00:14:48,950 --> 00:14:50,520 This is unbelievable, Mac. 317 00:14:50,590 --> 00:14:53,116 I know, and they totally ruined our heartfelt moment. 318 00:14:53,230 --> 00:14:56,200 Now, there's a way we can get it back if you just kind of jump- 319 00:14:56,270 --> 00:14:59,035 No, you fool! That time has passed. 320 00:14:59,110 --> 00:15:00,600 Can't you see they're humiliating us? 321 00:15:00,710 --> 00:15:03,361 Just tell me what you were gonna tell me. I'm not gonna stand for this. 322 00:15:03,430 --> 00:15:05,910 Just-Dennis-Come on, man! Goddamn it! 323 00:15:05,990 --> 00:15:07,037 Ma'am? Mm-hmm? 324 00:15:07,110 --> 00:15:08,316 Please return to your table. 325 00:15:08,390 --> 00:15:10,358 You know what? I'm gonna sit next to the hero. 326 00:15:10,430 --> 00:15:13,957 I used to date a troop. He was crazy for jean shorts. 327 00:15:14,030 --> 00:15:16,510 Attention. Uh, attention, everyone, please. 328 00:15:16,630 --> 00:15:20,191 If I could have your attention momentarily. Thank you. 329 00:15:20,270 --> 00:15:22,716 We do have an American hero in the house tonight. 330 00:15:22,790 --> 00:15:25,714 A strong man, a brave man. 331 00:15:25,790 --> 00:15:29,795 He's the kind of man who knows exactly who he is. 332 00:15:31,310 --> 00:15:33,677 He doesn't hide under a toupee. 333 00:15:33,750 --> 00:15:38,278 He faces his challenges instead of just retreating to the sewers, nude, 334 00:15:38,350 --> 00:15:40,432 to forage for rings and coins. 335 00:15:41,310 --> 00:15:42,800 Or to the toilets. 336 00:15:42,870 --> 00:15:45,919 Or to a life filled with rats. 337 00:15:47,990 --> 00:15:51,312 He's the kind of man who gives me the courage... 338 00:15:51,390 --> 00:15:55,031 to do an amazing double jackknife twist, which I did. 339 00:15:55,110 --> 00:15:58,193 Most of you people wouldn't even attempt that. I did it. 340 00:15:58,270 --> 00:15:59,874 And to go down on Chrissie Orlando... 341 00:15:59,950 --> 00:16:01,952 on the trampoline later on the very same night, 342 00:16:02,030 --> 00:16:04,158 which I also did. 343 00:16:04,230 --> 00:16:06,631 And I licked her asshole a little bit. 344 00:16:06,710 --> 00:16:08,439 It was pretty good. It was all right. 345 00:16:08,510 --> 00:16:10,911 It wasn't great, but it was fine. 346 00:16:10,990 --> 00:16:13,436 And I knew that it was gonna be fine... 347 00:16:13,510 --> 00:16:17,959 because this guy would be here to catch me if I faltered. 348 00:16:18,030 --> 00:16:22,479 Yeah. The world is a safer place when he's around. 349 00:16:39,270 --> 00:16:42,114 Thank you. Thanks. 350 00:16:49,150 --> 00:16:51,721 Wow, dude. I mean, that was so touching. Oh. 351 00:16:51,790 --> 00:16:54,270 That's an amazing thing you said about the troop. 352 00:16:54,390 --> 00:16:57,360 Now, can we get back to the karaoke machine? I was talking about you. 353 00:16:57,470 --> 00:17:01,759 That was about me? Yes. He wasn't there when I went down on Chrissie Orlando. 354 00:17:01,830 --> 00:17:03,753 I did not get that at all. I'm so- 355 00:17:03,870 --> 00:17:05,918 Dennis, that's really sweet. Thank you. I'm sorry. 356 00:17:06,030 --> 00:17:08,311 What is happening? Is it freezing in here all of a sudden? 357 00:17:08,350 --> 00:17:11,479 Yeah. And it's freezing. Air is blowing directly on us. 358 00:17:11,550 --> 00:17:13,234 What- I mean, what has happened? 359 00:17:15,870 --> 00:17:18,794 Those goddamn sons of bitches. They turned up the A/C. 360 00:17:18,870 --> 00:17:20,793 Because they knew we were sitting right underneath a vent. 361 00:17:20,870 --> 00:17:23,077 They're trying to freeze us out. 362 00:17:23,150 --> 00:17:26,836 I didn't have your back before, but now I'm gonna be the wind beneath your wings. 363 00:17:26,910 --> 00:17:29,311 I'm gonna smash this over their goddamn heads. 364 00:17:29,430 --> 00:17:31,194 Yes, Mac. Yes! Yes! 365 00:17:31,270 --> 00:17:34,433 And I'm gonna blast 'em with this fire extinguisher. 366 00:17:34,510 --> 00:17:36,478 Okay, I'll toss hot soup in their faces. 367 00:17:36,590 --> 00:17:39,116 I'll pinch their dicks with this lobster. Let's do it. 368 00:17:47,910 --> 00:17:49,719 What are you people doing? 369 00:17:51,350 --> 00:17:55,196 Excuse me. Excuse me. What are you people doing? 370 00:17:55,270 --> 00:17:56,840 Oh! 371 00:17:58,750 --> 00:18:00,354 Son a bitch! 372 00:18:02,230 --> 00:18:06,952 [ Laughing 1 373 00:18:09,310 --> 00:18:11,916 Hey, his shoelaces are tied together. 374 00:18:11,990 --> 00:18:13,992 - Oh, my God! - Somebody tied his shoelaces together. 375 00:18:14,070 --> 00:18:15,879 - His shoes are tied. - SpaghettiO the waiter. 376 00:18:15,950 --> 00:18:18,556 - I've wanted to see that all night long. - Yes. Yes. 377 00:18:18,630 --> 00:18:20,726 Oh, my God. Who do we have to thank for this? 378 00:18:20,738 --> 00:18:21,440 Who? 379 00:18:21,510 --> 00:18:23,911 - Oops. - Deandra did it? 380 00:18:23,990 --> 00:18:25,560 - Dee did it! - It was Dee! 381 00:18:25,630 --> 00:18:28,281 - Have you been here this entire time? - Yeah, the whole time. 382 00:18:28,350 --> 00:18:30,398 Oh, great joke, Dee. Great joke. 383 00:18:30,470 --> 00:18:32,950 Oh, Dee. Classic. Hey. Sa/uz'. 384 00:18:33,070 --> 00:18:35,550 Sa/uz'. Sa/uz'. 385 00:18:35,630 --> 00:18:38,361 Guys? Guys, I'm really hurt. 386 00:18:38,470 --> 00:18:39,995 [ Dennis ] Let's get a table. 387 00:18:40,070 --> 00:18:42,118 I wanna hear some jokes out of you tonight. 388 00:18:42,190 --> 00:18:44,397 You guys gotta-Do you wanna try this coat on? 389 00:18:44,470 --> 00:18:46,757 It's gonna look good on you, man. Pop that thing on.