1 00:00:02,680 --> 00:00:04,523 By now you make a right-hand turn. 2 00:00:04,600 --> 00:00:06,807 Make a right turn. Okay, making a right. 3 00:00:06,880 --> 00:00:09,326 You should pass three fuzzy poles with blinking lights. 4 00:00:09,440 --> 00:00:12,284 Those are trafiic s/jgna/s. Okay. Wait a minute. I haven't gotten there yet. 5 00:00:12,360 --> 00:00:14,442 And great. You should be making a left turn here. 6 00:00:14,520 --> 00:00:16,966 There's no left. You don't know where I am, tape! 7 00:00:17,040 --> 00:00:19,202 This ain't working, Charlie. This ain't working. 8 00:00:19,280 --> 00:00:21,806 - You should pass three fuzzy poles m/ith blinking I/yhts. - Wait. 9 00:00:21,880 --> 00:00:24,531 Those are trafiic signals- I passed the traffic signals. 10 00:00:24,640 --> 00:00:26,802 You should pass three fuzzy poles- 11 00:00:26,920 --> 00:00:30,322 it's stuck! Charlie, I need you here! This tape isn't working. 12 00:00:30,400 --> 00:00:34,041 This is KPFN, public radio. 13 00:00:34,120 --> 00:00:36,521 Today on Do It Yourself Gardening- 14 00:00:36,640 --> 00:00:38,404 composting. 15 00:00:38,480 --> 00:00:42,121 I'm sure many of you are wondering what composting involves. 16 00:00:43,840 --> 00:00:45,842 You should pass three fuzzy poles with blinking lights. 17 00:00:45,960 --> 00:00:49,442 Poles and the blinking lights! 18 00:00:49,520 --> 00:00:53,161 Make sure your compost pile gets plenty of air. 19 00:00:53,320 --> 00:00:57,245 Now-Oh, Sandra. You dumb bitch. 20 00:01:01,640 --> 00:01:02,801 Wha- 21 00:01:03,880 --> 00:01:06,201 Charlie, what is so hard to understand? 22 00:01:06,280 --> 00:01:09,329 I believe that if I inseminated the right woman, 23 00:01:09,400 --> 00:01:13,121 our seed could potentially, through an X-Men-type genetic mutation, 24 00:01:13,200 --> 00:01:15,851 create a son capable of bending steel. 25 00:01:15,920 --> 00:01:17,570 - Mm-mmm. - That's completely insane. 26 00:01:17,680 --> 00:01:19,409 Do you understand genetic mutations at all? 27 00:01:19,480 --> 00:01:21,801 You hear what you're saying? You're talking like an insane person. 28 00:01:21,880 --> 00:01:23,405 I didn't cause any damages, Dennis. Yes, you did. 29 00:01:23,520 --> 00:01:26,569 Not to the exterior of my car. But to the interior of my car? 30 00:01:26,640 --> 00:01:29,166 My interior is ruined. Guys. So I'm sitting at a red light, 31 00:01:29,240 --> 00:01:32,130 at a dead stop, and Frank rams into me out of nowhere! 32 00:01:32,200 --> 00:01:33,775 Now he's saying he's not gonna pay for the 33 00:01:33,787 --> 00:01:35,522 damages. Did you know that the man cannot see? 34 00:01:35,600 --> 00:01:38,683 I can see! I got glasses. I just need new lenses. 35 00:01:38,760 --> 00:01:41,047 The lenses are what make the glasses work, Frank! 36 00:01:41,160 --> 00:01:43,288 If you were driving around without the use of sight, 37 00:01:43,360 --> 00:01:46,204 then that is completely irresponsible, and you need to pay for the damages. 38 00:01:46,280 --> 00:01:49,045 - Yeah. - None of the damages were my fault. 39 00:01:49,120 --> 00:01:51,202 It sounds like all of the damages were your fault. 40 00:01:51,280 --> 00:01:54,170 - Frank, how are we even talking about this? - Yeah, if you rammed into him- 41 00:01:54,240 --> 00:01:57,881 - You rammed into me. - Dennis was eating a bowl of cereal. 42 00:01:59,360 --> 00:02:00,258 What? 43 00:02:00,270 --> 00:02:03,001 He was eating a bowl of cereal when I hit him. 44 00:02:03,080 --> 00:02:06,971 And it spilled all over the interior, and those are the only damages to the car. 45 00:02:07,040 --> 00:02:10,647 You were eating a... bowl of cereal? 46 00:02:10,720 --> 00:02:11,926 Yes. 47 00:02:12,000 --> 00:02:14,970 - While you were driving? - Yes. it's not that crazy. 48 00:02:15,040 --> 00:02:18,089 - That's not what this is about. - Well, it's a little bit about that. 49 00:02:18,240 --> 00:02:21,608 Yeah, there's a high spill factor if you're driving-Actually, it's a lot about that. 50 00:02:21,680 --> 00:02:24,360 Come on. it's, uhl don't have to justify myself to you! 51 00:02:24,440 --> 00:02:26,761 You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna take you to court. Fine. Fine. 52 00:02:26,840 --> 00:02:28,842 Hold on a second. Nobody needs to go to court here. 53 00:02:28,960 --> 00:02:31,964 There's no reason we can't settle this ourselves, like civilized adults. 54 00:02:32,040 --> 00:02:35,283 No, we can't, Dee, so I'm gonna take him to court, I'm gonna sue him and I'm gonna win. 55 00:02:35,360 --> 00:02:38,204 Dennis, you don't want to go anywhere near a court. 56 00:02:38,280 --> 00:02:40,442 How many bench warrants for sexual misconduct do you have? 57 00:02:40,520 --> 00:02:43,649 I-l probably have-Yeah. Yeah. 58 00:02:43,720 --> 00:02:46,803 And, Frank, how many unregistered guns are in your car right now? 59 00:02:46,880 --> 00:02:48,530 A lot. 60 00:02:48,600 --> 00:02:52,605 Ooh, I like where you're headed with this, Dee, and, uh, if I may, 61 00:02:52,680 --> 00:02:58,244 I think what you're proposing is that we handle this little matter... internally. 62 00:03:23,000 --> 00:03:24,560 I'll let you take it over. 63 00:03:24,600 --> 00:03:27,206 Okay. Uh, okay, okay, okay, okay. 64 00:03:27,280 --> 00:03:30,568 I'd like to begin with my opening statement, if I could. 65 00:03:30,640 --> 00:03:34,281 First off, uh, who is the defendant in this matter? 66 00:03:34,400 --> 00:03:37,449 - That's not a statement. - All right. Well, irregardless, 67 00:03:37,520 --> 00:03:42,287 I would like to know, as Frank's lawyer, who I am persecuting or who I'm defending. 68 00:03:42,400 --> 00:03:45,324 Yeah. Prosecuting. Let me just nip this whole thing in the bud right now. 69 00:03:45,400 --> 00:03:48,000 Stop treating this like it's a trial and like this is a courtroom. 70 00:03:48,040 --> 00:03:50,281 Yeah, but the tables-Yeah. But I was against that too. 71 00:03:50,360 --> 00:03:52,169 Okay? Let's just present the facts to each other, 72 00:03:52,240 --> 00:03:54,481 and then let's decide as a majority who's in the right. 73 00:03:54,560 --> 00:03:56,085 That being said, Frank would be the defendant. 74 00:03:56,160 --> 00:03:59,289 I'm not the defendant. No, that implies that I am guilty. 75 00:03:59,360 --> 00:04:01,203 He's right. If anyone's ever accused of anything, 76 00:04:01,280 --> 00:04:02,930 I automatically assume they're guilty. You do, right? 77 00:04:03,000 --> 00:04:04,729 - I do. - I'm gonna make you the defendant. 78 00:04:04,800 --> 00:04:06,928 Then I'll make Frank the defendant, then we'll split it up that way. 79 00:04:07,000 --> 00:04:09,160 You're defending the fact that your car got hit by him. 80 00:04:09,200 --> 00:04:11,646 He smashed into me, so I'm prosecuting him! Hey, guys! I'm finished! 81 00:04:11,720 --> 00:04:13,563 I'm finished. 82 00:04:13,640 --> 00:04:15,290 Where have you been for the last three hours? 83 00:04:15,400 --> 00:04:18,085 I have been making this. 84 00:04:18,160 --> 00:04:20,288 - What the hell is that? - It's the Trial Meter. 85 00:04:20,360 --> 00:04:22,966 It shows how we each feel throughout the trial. 86 00:04:23,040 --> 00:04:26,761 Yeah, I made little gavels with our names on it, and we can move them accordingly. 87 00:04:26,840 --> 00:04:30,083 And at the end, whoever has the most gavels on their side wins. 88 00:04:30,160 --> 00:04:32,162 It took you three hours to make that? 89 00:04:32,240 --> 00:04:33,651 Yeah. 90 00:04:33,720 --> 00:04:35,563 Mac, let me tell you something. 91 00:04:35,640 --> 00:04:38,371 Nobody is gonna want to use that, because it's so stupid. 92 00:04:38,440 --> 00:04:41,489 We are dealing with a serious issue here. You imbecile! 93 00:04:41,560 --> 00:04:44,291 Don't be an imbecile. Okay? My property is at stake. 94 00:04:44,360 --> 00:04:46,647 What are you doing? W-Well, don't do that. Look, okay. 95 00:04:46,720 --> 00:04:48,293 Not that we're using this stupid thing, but 96 00:04:48,305 --> 00:04:49,963 don't start doing that, because you're gonna- 97 00:04:50,040 --> 00:04:53,522 I like what he did there. I'm gonna go ahead and move my guy. 98 00:04:53,600 --> 00:04:55,443 Why? Why? We haven't presented any facts yet. 99 00:04:55,520 --> 00:04:57,409 Uh, okay. 100 00:04:57,480 --> 00:05:00,484 Well, don't everybody start moving their gavels over to his side. 101 00:05:00,560 --> 00:05:02,642 We haven't even pre- Okay, well, good. 102 00:05:02,720 --> 00:05:05,121 At least you have the common sense to be on my side. 103 00:05:05,240 --> 00:05:08,244 Well, as your representative in this matter, I didn't have much of a choice. 104 00:05:08,360 --> 00:05:09,885 My hands were tied. [ Stammers ] No, no, no. 105 00:05:09,960 --> 00:05:12,930 You're not-You're not my representative. I will be talking for myself. 106 00:05:13,040 --> 00:05:15,241 This is an open-and-shut case, and anybody 107 00:05:15,253 --> 00:05:17,568 who can't see that is a savage and an idiot! 108 00:05:17,640 --> 00:05:20,037 Okay. Uh, I would like a five with my client, please. 109 00:05:20,049 --> 00:05:21,167 Want a five, counselor? 110 00:05:21,240 --> 00:05:22,730 - I'd like to take a five. - I'll allow it. 111 00:05:22,840 --> 00:05:25,650 Stop talking like this is a goddamn courtroom, please. 112 00:05:25,760 --> 00:05:27,330 - Oh, I'm the judge! - No, you're not. 113 00:05:27,400 --> 00:05:28,925 - Can I be the bailiff? - You are not anything. 114 00:05:29,000 --> 00:05:30,525 - I'll allow it. - [ Dennis ] No one is anything. 115 00:05:30,640 --> 00:05:33,769 I'm gonna scratch everybody's eyes out of their sockets! 116 00:05:39,240 --> 00:05:42,642 Ladies and gentlemen, distinguished collies. 117 00:05:42,720 --> 00:05:44,802 Uh, my client, Frank, here... 118 00:05:44,880 --> 00:05:47,690 isn't really on trial today, you know? 119 00:05:47,760 --> 00:05:49,762 Common sense is on trial. 120 00:05:49,840 --> 00:05:51,842 And, well, common sense would tell you that... 121 00:05:51,920 --> 00:05:55,049 eating a bowl of cereal while operating a car is- 122 00:05:55,120 --> 00:05:57,885 it's-it's reckless. It's moronic. 123 00:05:58,000 --> 00:06:02,008 One might even call it... donkey-brained. 124 00:06:02,080 --> 00:06:03,809 Donkey-brained? 125 00:06:03,880 --> 00:06:07,362 It means to have the brains of a donkey... 126 00:06:07,440 --> 00:06:10,842 or a donkey-type creature. 127 00:06:10,920 --> 00:06:13,241 Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think I know what it means, guy. 128 00:06:13,320 --> 00:06:17,086 But if anything, it's not donkey-brained to drive around with a bowl of cereal. 129 00:06:17,160 --> 00:06:21,529 It's donkey-brained to drive around without the use of your vision. 130 00:06:21,600 --> 00:06:25,491 Oh. That's interesting. So you do admit that someone who makes foolish decisions... 131 00:06:25,560 --> 00:06:27,801 could be considered donkey-brained? 132 00:06:27,880 --> 00:06:30,565 Uh-Sure. Yeah, okay, fine. 133 00:06:30,640 --> 00:06:33,007 I'll take it. All right. 134 00:06:33,120 --> 00:06:36,727 Now, Frank, if I'm correct, when you were a boy, 135 00:06:36,800 --> 00:06:40,566 you were admitted into a... mental institution. 136 00:06:40,640 --> 00:06:43,246 - Is this correct? - That's correct. 137 00:06:43,320 --> 00:06:47,211 But soon after, it was discovered that I wasn't mentally disabled, 138 00:06:47,280 --> 00:06:48,770 so they let me go. 139 00:06:48,840 --> 00:06:52,765 And they let me go with the proper paperwork, 140 00:06:52,840 --> 00:06:54,604 clearing me of everything. 141 00:06:54,680 --> 00:06:57,445 I would like to add into evidence Article 1. 142 00:06:57,560 --> 00:07:00,928 Uh, Mac, will you please read this document? 143 00:07:01,000 --> 00:07:05,050 Mm-hmm. “By the power of the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania, 144 00:07:05,120 --> 00:07:10,081 Reid Mental Institution hereby decrees Frank Reynolds to not have... 145 00:07:10,200 --> 00:07:11,486 donkey brains.” 146 00:07:11,560 --> 00:07:13,210 [ Dee, Dennis ] What? 147 00:07:13,280 --> 00:07:15,675 That is an official document that says “donkey brain” on it? 148 00:07:15,687 --> 00:07:16,489 What is that? 149 00:07:16,560 --> 00:07:18,244 Well, it's written right here in plain English. 150 00:07:18,320 --> 00:07:20,084 Frank, would you like to clear this up for everybody? 151 00:07:20,160 --> 00:07:24,882 Well, all the kids in the neighborhood knew I got sent upstate, 152 00:07:24,960 --> 00:07:28,681 so they started calling me “Frankie Donkey Brains,” and it was very traumatic. 153 00:07:28,800 --> 00:07:31,565 So I got my mommy to drive me back up to the loony bin, 154 00:07:31,680 --> 00:07:35,082 where they signed this official certificate... 155 00:07:35,160 --> 00:07:37,970 exonerating me of all donkey brains. 156 00:07:38,040 --> 00:07:40,168 Yeah, great. What does this have to do with anything? 157 00:07:40,240 --> 00:07:42,447 Well, Dennis, if by your own admission, 158 00:07:42,520 --> 00:07:45,251 someone who has donkey brains could be considered... 159 00:07:45,360 --> 00:07:47,931 reckless or moronic or idiotic, 160 00:07:48,000 --> 00:07:51,800 and my client Frank here has a state-issued certificate... 161 00:07:51,880 --> 00:07:54,486 clearing him of having said donkey brains, 162 00:07:54,560 --> 00:07:56,403 then I ask you this- 163 00:07:58,000 --> 00:08:01,686 Do you have any such certificate? 164 00:08:01,760 --> 00:08:03,091 What? 165 00:08:03,160 --> 00:08:07,006 Well, we don't want a donkey on the road eating cereal. 166 00:08:07,080 --> 00:08:10,004 We know Frank's not a donkey. 167 00:08:10,080 --> 00:08:13,562 How do we know you're not a donkey-brained man? 168 00:08:15,080 --> 00:08:16,844 Why would I have a certificate? 169 00:08:16,920 --> 00:08:19,082 You don't have a certificate? 170 00:08:19,160 --> 00:08:21,162 N-N-No. The burden of proof is not on me. 171 00:08:21,240 --> 00:08:22,924 The defendant will answer the question. 172 00:08:23,000 --> 00:08:25,765 - The defendant? I'm not the defendant! - Just answer the question. 173 00:08:28,760 --> 00:08:30,683 - No. - No further questions. 174 00:08:30,760 --> 00:08:33,047 - Oh! - You gotta be kidding me. Because of that? 175 00:08:33,120 --> 00:08:35,600 You don't have a certificate. What else are we supposed to- 176 00:08:35,680 --> 00:08:38,570 - What in the... You may have donkey brains. I don't know. 177 00:08:38,640 --> 00:08:41,530 No one can prove that they're not donkey-brained except for him. 178 00:08:41,600 --> 00:08:43,364 I just-I wish you had a certificate. 179 00:08:43,440 --> 00:08:45,010 Oh, bullshit! 180 00:08:50,560 --> 00:08:55,248 - Frank, would you like a glass of wine? - Yeah, all right. 181 00:08:55,320 --> 00:08:58,210 Huh? Why not have a glass of wine? I mean, after all- 182 00:08:59,640 --> 00:09:01,085 Uh! 183 00:09:01,160 --> 00:09:03,561 - Hey! Hey! You can't do that! - Oh, I'm so sorry. 184 00:09:03,640 --> 00:09:07,725 Oh, whoopsie, whoopsie. See, I bashed into Frank while he was at a dead stop. 185 00:09:07,800 --> 00:09:12,681 That's completely my fault, Frank. I will pay for all the damages to your shirt. 186 00:09:12,760 --> 00:09:14,728 Case closed. 187 00:09:14,800 --> 00:09:17,246 Oh. Well, when you put it like that, you got me. 188 00:09:17,320 --> 00:09:19,846 You know, I'm on Dennis's side now. He just convinced me. 189 00:09:19,920 --> 00:09:22,651 Uh, hold-hold on one second though, Charlie. 190 00:09:22,720 --> 00:09:27,681 It occurs to me that Frank assumed responsibility for a potential spill... 191 00:09:27,760 --> 00:09:29,250 the second he took the wine. 192 00:09:29,320 --> 00:09:31,209 He's right. I knew the risk. 193 00:09:31,280 --> 00:09:35,001 So in this circumstance, it would appear that Frank swam. 194 00:09:35,080 --> 00:09:37,048 And therefore, in the car, Dennis is at fault. 195 00:09:37,120 --> 00:09:39,248 I am on Frank's side. Case closed. 196 00:09:39,320 --> 00:09:40,481 I pushed-I pushed him! 197 00:09:40,680 --> 00:09:44,002 Boom! You nailed it. You know what? Macjust made the most credible argument of all. 198 00:09:44,080 --> 00:09:46,242 Hold on a second! Hold on, Charlie. Credibility? 199 00:09:46,320 --> 00:09:47,845 You're interested in credibility? 200 00:09:47,920 --> 00:09:50,844 I would like to call my next witness-Mac. 201 00:09:56,440 --> 00:09:58,681 So, Mac, you seem to be pretty locked... 202 00:09:58,760 --> 00:10:00,364 into Frank's side at this point. 203 00:10:00,440 --> 00:10:03,444 Right? And your opinion, it carries a lot of weight around here, doesn't it? 204 00:10:03,520 --> 00:10:07,127 Oh, absolutely. I'm a tastemaker around here. Pretty much what I say goes. 205 00:10:07,200 --> 00:10:09,806 And I've decided that Frank is the winner. 206 00:10:09,920 --> 00:10:12,665 Yeah. And, Charlie, you find Mac's arguments 207 00:10:12,677 --> 00:10:15,006 to be fairly credible and convincing? 208 00:10:15,080 --> 00:10:17,560 I do. Yeah. He makes a lot of good points. 209 00:10:17,640 --> 00:10:21,087 He's a good judge, and- He's an even better bailiff. 210 00:10:21,160 --> 00:10:24,130 So if you find Mac's arguments to be so credible, 211 00:10:24,200 --> 00:10:27,283 why is it that you disagree on the subject of super humans? 212 00:10:27,360 --> 00:10:28,691 Well, we don't- 213 00:10:29,800 --> 00:10:31,882 What? What does this have to do with the case? 214 00:10:31,960 --> 00:10:34,964 Well, Mac, if your character isn't credible, then are your arguments? 215 00:10:35,040 --> 00:10:39,648 Strike this line of questioning from the record, please. 216 00:10:39,720 --> 00:10:41,768 Uh, overruled. Let her continue. 217 00:10:41,840 --> 00:10:44,650 Mac, do you or do you not believe that you could create... 218 00:10:44,720 --> 00:10:49,089 a superhuman race of strongmen through genetic mutation and evolution? 219 00:10:49,160 --> 00:10:50,730 What difference does that make? 220 00:10:50,800 --> 00:10:52,643 If you believe something that insane, 221 00:10:52,720 --> 00:10:54,370 then how could you be our tastemaker? 222 00:10:54,440 --> 00:10:56,363 How could we believe anything that you have to say? 223 00:10:56,440 --> 00:10:58,169 I'm gonna ask you one more time. 224 00:10:58,240 --> 00:11:01,767 Do you or do you not believe that you can create... 225 00:11:01,840 --> 00:11:06,926 a superhuman race of strongmen through genetic mutation and evolution? 226 00:11:12,080 --> 00:11:14,845 Uh, no. That's ridiculous, Dee. 227 00:11:14,920 --> 00:11:17,844 - What are you talking about? - What are you talking about? You were just- 228 00:11:17,920 --> 00:11:19,922 You were just telling Charlie this morning all about the- 229 00:11:20,000 --> 00:11:22,480 “Have you seen X-Men?” and “my seed” and- 230 00:11:22,560 --> 00:11:25,564 No, I was joking with Charlie. That could never happen in the real world, Dee. 231 00:11:25,640 --> 00:11:27,449 - That's, like, a comic book thing. - He's credible. 232 00:11:27,560 --> 00:11:30,564 Yeah. He's credible. All right, we won this case. I win this case. 233 00:11:30,680 --> 00:11:32,648 It's an open-and-shut case. [ Dee] Shit, Dennis, that was- 234 00:11:32,720 --> 00:11:35,041 Wait, wait, wait. Wait a minute. 235 00:11:35,120 --> 00:11:38,841 - Mac, why don't you believe that? - Huh? 236 00:11:38,920 --> 00:11:40,649 Well, I'm just wondering why don't you believe... 237 00:11:40,800 --> 00:11:46,603 that you could pass down a gene that would eventually evolve into a race of super men? 238 00:11:46,680 --> 00:11:49,524 - Why? - That's a silly question. 239 00:11:49,600 --> 00:11:51,484 Because evolution doesn't exist, of course. 240 00:11:51,496 --> 00:11:52,444 I'm sorry? 241 00:11:52,520 --> 00:11:54,648 Oh, could you repeat that again for the room? 242 00:11:54,720 --> 00:11:56,563 Because evolution is bullshit. It's not real. 243 00:11:56,640 --> 00:11:59,371 Goddamn it! Recess! 244 00:12:02,840 --> 00:12:04,888 - Now. Get in. - What? What? What? 245 00:12:04,960 --> 00:12:07,964 You got to sway Charlie. You got to make yourself credible again. 246 00:12:08,080 --> 00:12:09,491 What did I do? 247 00:12:09,560 --> 00:12:12,166 You got to stop with this- your insane, crazy beliefs. 248 00:12:12,240 --> 00:12:14,288 You gotta tell them that you believe in evolution. 249 00:12:14,360 --> 00:12:16,249 Oh, come on, Frank. That's ridiculous. 250 00:12:16,320 --> 00:12:18,926 We gotta get Charlie to stop thinking you're a lunatic. 251 00:12:19,000 --> 00:12:22,641 Look, Deandra's gonna side with Dennis. That's a given. You want me to win? 252 00:12:22,760 --> 00:12:24,250 Okay, Frank, for you, 253 00:12:24,320 --> 00:12:27,961 I will make myself credible in Charlie's eyes again so you can win. 254 00:12:28,040 --> 00:12:30,850 Just give me 15 minutes. 255 00:12:33,200 --> 00:12:35,806 I'm finished, guys. I'm finished. 256 00:12:35,880 --> 00:12:39,089 Now this is all about making myself credible in your eyes again, 257 00:12:39,160 --> 00:12:43,290 and I'm gonna do that by admitting that evolution... 258 00:12:43,360 --> 00:12:44,930 is a lie! 259 00:12:45,000 --> 00:12:46,490 Goddamn you, Mac! 260 00:12:46,560 --> 00:12:49,006 Yes, please do, Mac. 261 00:12:49,120 --> 00:12:51,327 Now, as you can see, this is the Evolution Meter. 262 00:12:51,400 --> 00:12:54,802 And I've put God, the creator of everything, on the right side. 263 00:12:54,880 --> 00:12:57,121 And evolution... on the left. 264 00:12:57,200 --> 00:13:00,090 I went ahead and put you guys all on the fence, 'cause of course you're gonna hear- 265 00:13:00,160 --> 00:13:00,859 Actually, no. 266 00:13:00,871 --> 00:13:03,004 Let's start where I would start. 267 00:13:03,080 --> 00:13:06,243 No matter. I'm righteous. 268 00:13:06,320 --> 00:13:12,123 I'm not gonna stand here, present some egghead scientific argument based on fact. 269 00:13:12,200 --> 00:13:16,569 I'm just a regular dude. I like to drink beer, you know. I love my family. 270 00:13:16,640 --> 00:13:18,210 Rock, flag and eagle. Right, Charlie? 271 00:13:18,280 --> 00:13:20,726 - He's got a point. - No, he doesn't. - What? 272 00:13:20,800 --> 00:13:25,124 See, Charlie? These liberals are trying to assassinate my character. 273 00:13:25,240 --> 00:13:28,767 And I can't change their mind. I won't change my mind, 'cause I don't have to. 274 00:13:28,840 --> 00:13:30,330 'Cause I'm an American. 275 00:13:30,400 --> 00:13:32,687 I won't change my mind on anything, 276 00:13:32,760 --> 00:13:36,321 regardless of the facts that are set out before me. 277 00:13:36,400 --> 00:13:40,325 I'm dug in, and I'll never change. 278 00:13:40,400 --> 00:13:41,970 Mac, look. You're wasting our time. 279 00:13:42,040 --> 00:13:45,203 You're not gonna get us to not believe in evolution. 280 00:13:45,280 --> 00:13:47,044 And why is that? 281 00:13:47,120 --> 00:13:51,444 Because the smartest scientists in the entire world all agree that it's real. 282 00:13:51,520 --> 00:13:53,522 I'm glad you brought that up, 283 00:13:53,600 --> 00:13:55,090 because, Mr. Reynolds, 284 00:13:56,240 --> 00:13:59,642 science is a liar sometimes. 285 00:13:59,720 --> 00:14:00,720 Oh, boy. 286 00:14:00,760 --> 00:14:04,526 This is Aristotle, 287 00:14:04,600 --> 00:14:06,887 thought to be the smartest man on the planet. 288 00:14:06,960 --> 00:14:09,566 He believed that the Earth was the center of the universe, 289 00:14:09,640 --> 00:14:12,291 and everybody believed him, because he was so smart. 290 00:14:12,360 --> 00:14:17,321 Until another smartest guy came around-Galileo. 291 00:14:17,400 --> 00:14:18,925 And he disproved that theory, 292 00:14:19,000 --> 00:14:21,367 making Aristotle and everybody else on Earth... 293 00:14:21,440 --> 00:14:23,966 look like a... bitch. 294 00:14:25,000 --> 00:14:27,731 Of course, Galileo then thought... 295 00:14:27,800 --> 00:14:30,087 comets were an optical illusion, 296 00:14:30,160 --> 00:14:34,051 and there was no way that the moon could cause the ocean's tides. 297 00:14:34,120 --> 00:14:37,124 Everybody believed that because he was so smart. 298 00:14:37,200 --> 00:14:39,521 He was also wrong, 299 00:14:39,600 --> 00:14:42,046 making him and everyone else on Earth... 300 00:14:42,120 --> 00:14:43,804 look like a bitch again. 301 00:14:43,920 --> 00:14:46,651 And then, best of all, 302 00:14:46,720 --> 00:14:48,449 Sir Isaac Newton gets born... 303 00:14:48,520 --> 00:14:51,569 and blows everybody's nips off with his big brains. 304 00:14:51,640 --> 00:14:54,720 Course, he also thought he could turn metal into gold and died eating mercury, 305 00:14:54,760 --> 00:14:59,322 making him yet another stupid... bitch! 306 00:15:01,240 --> 00:15:04,210 - Are you seeing a pattern? - No. 307 00:15:04,280 --> 00:15:08,729 Mr. Reynolds, these were all the smartest scientists on the planet. 308 00:15:08,800 --> 00:15:13,488 Only problem is, they kept being wrong. Sometimes. 309 00:15:15,040 --> 00:15:16,804 This is insane, you fool. 310 00:15:16,880 --> 00:15:20,282 I'm a fool because I have more faith in the saints that wrote the Bible? 311 00:15:20,360 --> 00:15:24,365 Yeah, because you just read the words of a bunch of guys that you never met, 312 00:15:24,440 --> 00:15:28,161 and you just take it on “faith” that everything they wrote was true. 313 00:15:28,280 --> 00:15:29,770 Hmm. And what makes you think... 314 00:15:29,840 --> 00:15:32,650 what your scientists are writing is any more truer than my saints? 315 00:15:32,720 --> 00:15:38,329 Because there are volumes of proven data. Numbers. You know, figures. 316 00:15:38,400 --> 00:15:40,084 There-There are fossil records. 317 00:15:40,160 --> 00:15:43,607 Oh, fossil records. Ah! I didn't even think about the fossil records. 318 00:15:43,680 --> 00:15:47,082 I guess I'll concede. Oh, wait. One more thing before I do, Mr. Reynolds. 319 00:15:47,160 --> 00:15:50,209 Have you seen these fossil records? 320 00:15:50,280 --> 00:15:52,442 Have I s- Huh? 321 00:15:52,520 --> 00:15:57,811 Have you pored through the data yourself? The numbers? The figures? 322 00:15:57,880 --> 00:16:01,123 - Well, no. Um-No. - Oh. Interesting. 323 00:16:01,200 --> 00:16:03,328 So let me get this straight, Mr. Reynolds. 324 00:16:03,440 --> 00:16:07,240 You get your information from a book written by men you've never met. 325 00:16:07,360 --> 00:16:09,488 And you take their words as truth, 326 00:16:09,560 --> 00:16:12,211 based on a willingness to believe, a desire to accept, 327 00:16:12,280 --> 00:16:17,369 a leap of- Oof, dare I say it?- 328 00:16:17,440 --> 00:16:18,930 Faith? 329 00:16:19,040 --> 00:16:21,168 Ah, come on. Come on. Look, I mean- 330 00:16:21,240 --> 00:16:23,607 I don't even know how I'm supposed to respond to that. Like- 331 00:16:23,680 --> 00:16:25,887 Ah, come on. 332 00:16:25,960 --> 00:16:28,361 That is a- That's a false equivalency. 333 00:16:28,440 --> 00:16:31,205 Just answer the question, Mr. Reynolds. 334 00:16:32,400 --> 00:16:34,926 Sure. Yeah, okay. 335 00:16:36,760 --> 00:16:40,685 - I rest my case. - Wow. Well, that got me. 336 00:16:40,760 --> 00:16:42,205 - Frank, do you want me to- - Put me over. 337 00:16:42,280 --> 00:16:44,089 - Yeah, all right. - What? 338 00:16:44,160 --> 00:16:46,686 Well, we're going on the fence. I mean, that's a shadow of a doubt. 339 00:16:46,760 --> 00:16:48,489 You actually don't believe in evolution anymore? 340 00:16:48,501 --> 00:16:49,081 I don't know. 341 00:16:49,160 --> 00:16:53,085 He created a reasonable doubt. He makes you sound like a stupid, uh, science bitch. 342 00:16:53,160 --> 00:16:55,640 Yeah, he got you good. Oh, my God. 343 00:16:58,120 --> 00:17:00,282 Wait, wait, wait, wait. What- 344 00:17:00,360 --> 00:17:01,930 What are we even talking about? 345 00:17:02,040 --> 00:17:05,203 How did we get onto evolution? This is not about evolution. 346 00:17:05,280 --> 00:17:07,521 Well, it became about that when you attacked Mac's character! 347 00:17:07,600 --> 00:17:09,170 Yeah, like they did in the O.J. trial... 348 00:17:09,280 --> 00:17:12,045 to that hero cop, Mark Fuhrman. Right! 349 00:17:12,120 --> 00:17:15,841 Okay, let's just get back on track here. I would like to make my closing arguments. 350 00:17:15,920 --> 00:17:18,127 No, no, no, no, no. This has gone on long enough. 351 00:17:18,200 --> 00:17:21,443 And by the way, Dee, why the hell do you give a shit about any of this anyway? 352 00:17:23,160 --> 00:17:26,448 You don't know? You can't think of why I might like... 353 00:17:26,520 --> 00:17:30,650 to set a precedent of responsibility for when someone's car gets destroyed? 354 00:17:30,720 --> 00:17:32,722 No. 355 00:17:35,440 --> 00:17:36,885 Anybody else? Anybody? 356 00:17:36,960 --> 00:17:40,362 L- I can't really think of anything. Can you think of anything? 357 00:17:40,440 --> 00:17:42,727 - I'm blank. - Not ringing a bell for me. 358 00:17:42,800 --> 00:17:47,283 You guys have destroyed every single car that I have ever owned! 359 00:17:47,360 --> 00:17:49,283 And we've never had so much as a conversation about it, 360 00:17:49,360 --> 00:17:52,125 much less a trial- a whole trial! 361 00:17:52,240 --> 00:17:55,323 Are you making that up? isn't this-What is she talking about? 362 00:17:55,400 --> 00:17:57,600 - Are you sure that happened? - Oh, you sons of bitches. 363 00:17:57,720 --> 00:18:02,169 Oh, you goddamn sons of bitches! I am going to destroy everything you own! 364 00:18:02,240 --> 00:18:04,447 - Ooh. - You know what? I'm gonna end this. 365 00:18:04,560 --> 00:18:06,324 I'm gonna end this! 366 00:18:06,400 --> 00:18:08,880 I still vote for Dennis. 367 00:18:09,000 --> 00:18:10,411 Well, I'm still for Frank. Yeah. 368 00:18:10,480 --> 00:18:14,804 And I am actually gonna go to the fence. 369 00:18:14,880 --> 00:18:16,405 What? God. 370 00:18:16,480 --> 00:18:19,086 Oh, goddamn it! We're nowhere with this. 371 00:18:19,200 --> 00:18:20,611 All right, okay. Guys, settle down. 372 00:18:20,680 --> 00:18:22,808 I think if we've learned anything today, it's that, you know, 373 00:18:22,880 --> 00:18:25,884 we can't just take things based on faith. 374 00:18:26,000 --> 00:18:28,002 Only seeing is believing, right? 375 00:18:29,080 --> 00:18:31,526 Let's take this to the streets. 376 00:18:31,600 --> 00:18:33,807 - Thanks, guys. - Yeah, man. No worries. 377 00:18:33,920 --> 00:18:35,649 Have a good one. Have a nice day. Bye-bye. 378 00:18:38,520 --> 00:18:41,330 Okay, here's the deal. Dennis, if you can drive to your apartment and back... 379 00:18:41,400 --> 00:18:42,925 without spilling a single drop, 380 00:18:43,000 --> 00:18:45,241 Dee, your precedent is set, and, Frank, you pay for everything. 381 00:18:45,360 --> 00:18:46,361 Fine. Good. 382 00:18:46,440 --> 00:18:47,880 Okay. And, Frank, if you can drive... 383 00:18:47,920 --> 00:18:49,888 to our place and back without getting in an accident, 384 00:18:49,960 --> 00:18:51,663 with me giving you directions, you can continue 385 00:18:51,675 --> 00:18:53,282 to drive as long as I'm in the car with you. 386 00:18:53,440 --> 00:18:54,566 Deal! All right. 387 00:18:54,680 --> 00:18:56,887 On your mark. Get set. Go! 388 00:18:58,240 --> 00:19:00,004 - Did he say it was a race? - No. 389 00:19:00,080 --> 00:19:03,004 Why are they running? [ Chuckles ] I have no idea. 390 00:19:03,160 --> 00:19:06,369 All right, steady. Steady as she goes. I'm going straight. 391 00:19:06,480 --> 00:19:08,084 No, beautiful stuff. This is the best. 392 00:19:08,200 --> 00:19:10,965 Dee, uh, please prepare me a bowl of cereal. Yep. 393 00:19:11,080 --> 00:19:14,607 What are you doing? We gotta see for ourselves how reckless this is. 394 00:19:14,680 --> 00:19:17,650 You hold it in one hand and drive with the other. Interesting. 395 00:19:17,760 --> 00:19:20,047 I know. Pretty mind-blowing stuff, isn't it? 396 00:19:20,120 --> 00:19:22,009 Then I stop at a stoplight, 397 00:19:22,080 --> 00:19:25,482 and, once I'm stopped and everything is safe, 398 00:19:25,600 --> 00:19:27,045 take a bite. 399 00:19:27,160 --> 00:19:29,242 All right. Here we go. Make a left right there. 400 00:19:29,360 --> 00:19:30,691 Make a what? Uh-huh. Go left. 401 00:19:30,800 --> 00:19:31,801 Make a left. Right. Go left. 402 00:19:31,920 --> 00:19:33,729 Right? Right or left? No! 403 00:19:33,840 --> 00:19:36,280 [ Dee, Charlie Shouting ] Make up your mind! Deandra, shut up! 404 00:19:36,320 --> 00:19:39,847 Well, dude, now that we're alone, you can admit it. 405 00:19:39,920 --> 00:19:42,890 I mean, I swayed you on evolution a little bit, right? 406 00:19:42,960 --> 00:19:45,247 Well-Uh- 407 00:19:45,360 --> 00:19:49,126 Ugh! 408 00:19:49,200 --> 00:19:51,680 That's crazy! That is insane! 409 00:19:51,760 --> 00:19:54,161 - How do you hit me again? - It was Deandra's fault! 410 00:19:54,280 --> 00:19:56,851 What? She gave me the wrong directions. This way, that way! 411 00:19:56,920 --> 00:19:59,207 It was Dee's fault. I was trying to give directions and she interrupted me. 412 00:19:59,280 --> 00:20:01,191 What are you talking about? I was reiterating. 413 00:20:01,203 --> 00:20:02,921 Charlie was giving directions, and I was- 414 00:20:03,040 --> 00:20:04,960 So this is your fault? No, wait. This is perfect. 415 00:20:05,000 --> 00:20:08,686 We were all here to witness it. It was Dee's fault. She'll pay for the damages. 416 00:20:08,760 --> 00:20:10,649 Absolutely. She should. Don't you dare. 417 00:20:10,720 --> 00:20:13,849 No, it was-I have an idea. Should we have a trial? Me and Charlie? 418 00:20:13,960 --> 00:20:16,531 That's too many trials. Too many trials. How many trials do you want? 419 00:20:16,600 --> 00:20:18,887 - Can't have a trial for every person. - Let's have her pay for it... 420 00:20:19,000 --> 00:20:21,048 and be done with this. All right, that's it. 421 00:20:21,120 --> 00:20:23,566 No, no! What are you-No, because Charlie was giving the- 422 00:20:23,640 --> 00:20:28,331 I was only- You sons of- Goddamn it!