1 00:00:03,995 --> 00:00:05,528 You really think Jack can handle this case? 2 00:00:05,530 --> 00:00:07,063 Yeah, he's a lawyer. 3 00:00:07,065 --> 00:00:08,497 Besides, Bill, you're broke. 4 00:00:08,499 --> 00:00:09,999 He's the best lawyer you can afford. 5 00:00:10,001 --> 00:00:11,567 Yeah, Bill, you got to relax, okay? Uncle Jack 6 00:00:11,569 --> 00:00:14,270 and I— we got this case. Now-now, listen to me. 7 00:00:14,272 --> 00:00:16,105 Liam McPoyle's gonna come at you hard, all right? 8 00:00:16,107 --> 00:00:18,240 But-but I've done my research. I got something with this 9 00:00:18,242 --> 00:00:19,742 bird theory that's gonna blow the court away. I-I... 10 00:00:19,744 --> 00:00:21,277 I don't... I don't think we should pursue 11 00:00:21,279 --> 00:00:22,778 this bird nonsense, Charlie. Yes. 12 00:00:22,780 --> 00:00:24,413 I-I'm well-versed in bird law. Look, 13 00:00:24,415 --> 00:00:27,016 Pondy, keep your eye on the prize. 14 00:00:27,018 --> 00:00:29,251 This goes well, it's party time. 15 00:00:29,253 --> 00:00:30,719 What is that? 16 00:00:30,721 --> 00:00:32,555 Is that... is that drugs, Frank? Yeah. 17 00:00:32,557 --> 00:00:33,923 No, dude, I need you keeping him clean, 18 00:00:33,925 --> 00:00:35,191 all right? That's why you're here. 19 00:00:35,193 --> 00:00:36,192 I got to have the drugs here 20 00:00:36,194 --> 00:00:37,359 to keep him clean. 21 00:00:37,361 --> 00:00:38,427 Well, that doesn't make sense. 22 00:00:38,429 --> 00:00:39,728 I... Get rid of the drugs, Frank. 23 00:00:39,730 --> 00:00:41,397 I-I don't want that. Hey, boys. 24 00:00:41,399 --> 00:00:43,532 You ready for the big show? Yes, good, how you feeling? 25 00:00:43,534 --> 00:00:45,134 You good, you do your homework, you know your talking points? Yeah. 26 00:00:45,136 --> 00:00:46,936 Yeah, I'm good. Yeah, cool as a cucumber. 27 00:00:46,938 --> 00:00:48,871 You can... you can get off my back. Well, don't sass me, 28 00:00:48,873 --> 00:00:50,739 I just... It was just a general Well, then don't hound me. 29 00:00:50,741 --> 00:00:52,942 question, Dee. I'm just saying if you don't want sass, 30 00:00:52,944 --> 00:00:55,044 then you should probably stop being a hound. All right, whatever. 31 00:00:55,046 --> 00:00:56,612 Mac, why are you here? 32 00:00:56,614 --> 00:00:59,281 This is your big day, dude. McPoyle suing Ponderosa? 33 00:00:59,283 --> 00:01:01,283 It's huge, it's like the trial of the century. 34 00:01:01,285 --> 00:01:03,719 Come on, man, everybody's got a thing. Don't leave me out. 35 00:01:03,721 --> 00:01:07,056 Frank's got a thing, Dee's got a thing. Dennis has got a thing. 36 00:01:07,058 --> 00:01:08,324 Dennis has a thing— what are you talking about? 37 00:01:08,326 --> 00:01:11,393 Oh! D... What are you doing here? 38 00:01:11,395 --> 00:01:12,661 There's got to be a way to get this court 39 00:01:12,663 --> 00:01:14,263 to let me out of my alimony payments. 40 00:01:14,265 --> 00:01:16,665 I mean, have you guys seen Maureen? The woman has gone 41 00:01:16,667 --> 00:01:18,067 almost full cat. It's-it's madness. 42 00:01:18,069 --> 00:01:19,735 I shouldn't have to pay for that, 43 00:01:19,737 --> 00:01:21,604 so I'm gonna talk to the judge, get him to throw it 44 00:01:21,606 --> 00:01:22,905 on the docket, you know what I mean? 45 00:01:22,907 --> 00:01:24,306 No, absolutely not. 46 00:01:24,308 --> 00:01:25,641 That's gonna distract from my case. 47 00:01:25,643 --> 00:01:26,742 Buddy, you don't have a case, okay? 48 00:01:26,744 --> 00:01:28,244 You are not a lawyer. 49 00:01:28,246 --> 00:01:29,845 Uncle Jack's just got you here handling 50 00:01:29,847 --> 00:01:31,313 his papers for him 'cause he can't do it 51 00:01:31,315 --> 00:01:32,648 'cause he's wearing those goddamn... 52 00:01:32,650 --> 00:01:34,917 big hands over his hands. 53 00:01:34,919 --> 00:01:37,186 I don't know what that is. What is that? I don't know what it is. 54 00:01:37,188 --> 00:01:38,988 All right, well, either way, this whole thing's gonna be 55 00:01:38,990 --> 00:01:40,623 a goddamn fiasco, and I'm gonna enjoy every second of it. 56 00:01:40,625 --> 00:01:42,758 No, it's gonna go fine. No, it isn't. 57 00:01:42,760 --> 00:01:44,693 No, it's gonna be fine. This is hardly the trial 58 00:01:44,695 --> 00:01:47,997 of the century. Everything's gonna go just great. 59 00:02:12,190 --> 00:02:13,889 On a scale of one to ten, how much sass 60 00:02:13,891 --> 00:02:15,791 are you gonna give me today? A-Are you serious? 61 00:02:15,793 --> 00:02:18,727 And hello to... you all. 62 00:02:18,729 --> 00:02:20,362 What's the Jew lawyer doing here? 63 00:02:20,364 --> 00:02:21,964 Not Jewish, and even if I was, 64 00:02:21,966 --> 00:02:24,133 what difference would it make? 65 00:02:24,135 --> 00:02:25,701 I meant that as a compliment. 66 00:02:25,703 --> 00:02:28,170 Everybody knows Jews are the best lawyers. 67 00:02:28,172 --> 00:02:30,806 I can't wait to crush you people. 68 00:02:30,808 --> 00:02:33,642 I'll be representing Liam McPoyle today. 69 00:02:33,644 --> 00:02:35,344 Where is Liam? Well, he actually got pinkeye 70 00:02:35,346 --> 00:02:37,146 in his one good eye. 71 00:02:37,148 --> 00:02:39,915 Well, in truth, someone named Doc McPoyle 72 00:02:39,917 --> 00:02:42,985 attempted to put some sort of healing milk in his pinkeye 73 00:02:42,987 --> 00:02:44,987 and it got infected, but that doesn't matter. 74 00:02:44,989 --> 00:02:46,422 The point is... 75 00:02:46,424 --> 00:02:49,024 you'll be dealing with me today. 76 00:02:49,026 --> 00:02:51,227 And you'll be dealing with me today. 77 00:02:51,229 --> 00:02:52,995 Jack Kelly, lawyer. 78 00:02:52,997 --> 00:02:55,197 Good to see you again. 79 00:02:55,199 --> 00:02:57,099 Are those fake hands? 80 00:02:57,101 --> 00:03:00,035 No. Are those fake hands? 81 00:03:00,037 --> 00:03:03,172 You know what, good luck with all of that today. 82 00:03:07,378 --> 00:03:09,511 Did you see his hands? They're beautiful. 83 00:03:09,513 --> 00:03:11,547 I think we should settle. What... Jesus Christ. 84 00:03:11,549 --> 00:03:13,716 I'm going to prison. It's gonna be fine. 85 00:03:13,718 --> 00:03:15,417 67th District Court is now in session. 86 00:03:15,419 --> 00:03:17,353 Judge Clarence Melvoy presiding. 87 00:03:17,355 --> 00:03:19,955 Please remove your hats and turn off your cell phones. 88 00:03:19,957 --> 00:03:23,792 Okay. We have McPoyle v. Ponderosa. 89 00:03:23,794 --> 00:03:26,428 Seeking damages for the loss of an eye in the form 90 00:03:26,430 --> 00:03:29,298 of a one-time payment to the sum of... 91 00:03:29,300 --> 00:03:31,767 $200. 92 00:03:31,769 --> 00:03:33,269 Are the plaintiffs present? 93 00:03:33,271 --> 00:03:34,303 I will be representing 94 00:03:34,305 --> 00:03:35,537 the plaintiffs, Your Honor. 95 00:03:35,539 --> 00:03:37,806 The defendants? Uh, yes, Your Honor. 96 00:03:37,808 --> 00:03:41,043 And I just, uh, wanted to say I'm very excited 97 00:03:41,045 --> 00:03:43,312 to be here. I do estate law, 98 00:03:43,314 --> 00:03:45,481 and this is my first actual trial. 99 00:03:45,483 --> 00:03:48,584 Uh, Your Honor, and if I may, uh, Charlie Kelly, cocounsel. 100 00:03:48,586 --> 00:03:50,619 Uh, background in bird law, uh... 101 00:03:50,621 --> 00:03:53,956 Nephew. Yeah. But excited to be, uh, in the people's court 102 00:03:53,958 --> 00:03:55,291 a-and a big fan of black judges, 103 00:03:55,293 --> 00:03:56,959 too. Stop touching me. 104 00:03:56,961 --> 00:04:00,062 Okay. Look. 105 00:04:00,064 --> 00:04:02,431 All I need are the facts to this case. 106 00:04:02,433 --> 00:04:04,400 I have a very long day ahead of me, 107 00:04:04,402 --> 00:04:08,137 so I'm gonna need to keep this thing moving. 108 00:04:08,139 --> 00:04:10,272 Are you gonna bang the, uh... Yeah, yeah. 109 00:04:10,274 --> 00:04:12,808 the-the hammer? Do we...? Is there a...? 110 00:04:12,810 --> 00:04:14,310 Here we go? 111 00:04:15,313 --> 00:04:16,812 Hey. (chuckles) That's the... 112 00:04:16,814 --> 00:04:18,080 Awesome. Yeah. 113 00:04:18,082 --> 00:04:19,682 It's cool, right? Yeah, nice. 114 00:04:19,684 --> 00:04:22,017 Your Honor, 115 00:04:22,019 --> 00:04:25,454 Friday the 13th was a night of chaos. 116 00:04:25,456 --> 00:04:26,855 Milk, 117 00:04:26,857 --> 00:04:29,525 spiked with bath salts by this man, 118 00:04:29,527 --> 00:04:31,694 Bill Ponderosa, 119 00:04:31,696 --> 00:04:34,129 was served to the wedding guests. 120 00:04:34,131 --> 00:04:36,699 Now, my client is odd. 121 00:04:36,701 --> 00:04:39,702 You might even refer to his family as... 122 00:04:41,639 --> 00:04:43,472 very creepy. 123 00:04:43,474 --> 00:04:45,507 But they are saints compared 124 00:04:45,509 --> 00:04:47,142 to Bill Ponderosa 125 00:04:47,144 --> 00:04:49,678 and the sordid lot of degenerates 126 00:04:49,680 --> 00:04:51,613 he associates with. 127 00:04:51,615 --> 00:04:54,450 Terrible people who ruin lives. 128 00:04:54,452 --> 00:04:57,119 Ruined mine, cost my client his marriage, 129 00:04:57,121 --> 00:05:00,289 ruined my first, now my second one is teetering. 130 00:05:01,225 --> 00:05:02,891 You know what... 131 00:05:02,893 --> 00:05:04,493 I'm gonna sit down. 132 00:05:04,495 --> 00:05:05,994 I'm done. 133 00:05:05,996 --> 00:05:08,697 They just do this to me, okay? 134 00:05:08,699 --> 00:05:10,799 You get the point. 135 00:05:10,801 --> 00:05:12,634 Uh, Your Honor, I'll-I'll, uh, 136 00:05:12,636 --> 00:05:14,036 I'll keep it brief. 137 00:05:14,038 --> 00:05:16,739 I just have three things to say. 138 00:05:16,741 --> 00:05:19,541 Uh, one: 139 00:05:19,543 --> 00:05:23,212 Liam McPoyle has a history of lying. 140 00:05:23,214 --> 00:05:25,914 My client is a loving 141 00:05:25,916 --> 00:05:28,484 family man. 142 00:05:28,486 --> 00:05:30,686 And three: 143 00:05:30,688 --> 00:05:33,055 He is innocent. 144 00:05:36,694 --> 00:05:38,694 Deandra Reynolds, 145 00:05:38,696 --> 00:05:41,096 you were the one that told the police that Bill had 146 00:05:41,098 --> 00:05:43,866 spiked the punch with bath salts. That's correct. 147 00:05:43,868 --> 00:05:45,934 But you didn't actually see him do it, did you? 148 00:05:45,936 --> 00:05:48,837 No, I did not. So is it possible that, 149 00:05:48,839 --> 00:05:52,007 given the traumatic nature of the evening, 150 00:05:52,009 --> 00:05:54,209 that you don't remember the evening 151 00:05:54,211 --> 00:05:56,211 all that well? Yes, that's correct. 152 00:05:56,213 --> 00:05:58,180 My car was destroyed and I was locked into a freezer. 153 00:05:58,182 --> 00:05:59,848 My memory was clouded by rage, 154 00:05:59,850 --> 00:06:01,750 and so I misremembered the incident. 155 00:06:01,752 --> 00:06:05,354 An understandable mistake. Could happen to any one of us. 156 00:06:05,356 --> 00:06:08,190 For example, you remember me, possibly, 157 00:06:08,192 --> 00:06:10,426 as a man with small hands. 158 00:06:10,428 --> 00:06:12,027 Yeah, you think... 159 00:06:12,029 --> 00:06:14,096 What... you think, "He had small hands." 160 00:06:14,098 --> 00:06:15,197 Do you remember that? 161 00:06:15,199 --> 00:06:16,398 Yeah, sure, okay. 162 00:06:16,400 --> 00:06:18,867 What you remember is false. 163 00:06:18,869 --> 00:06:19,968 O-Okay. Yup. 164 00:06:19,970 --> 00:06:21,937 Big, masculine. 165 00:06:21,939 --> 00:06:24,373 My hands tell a story 166 00:06:24,375 --> 00:06:26,375 of greatness. 167 00:06:26,377 --> 00:06:28,811 And when you look at my right hand... I'm gonna st... 168 00:06:28,813 --> 00:06:30,646 uh, uh, I'm gonna stop you 169 00:06:30,648 --> 00:06:31,947 right now. Are you just gonna 170 00:06:31,949 --> 00:06:33,715 talk about your hands for a while? 171 00:06:33,717 --> 00:06:35,918 Uh, no, Your Honor. 172 00:06:35,920 --> 00:06:38,720 No more questions for the witness. 173 00:06:38,722 --> 00:06:40,456 (sighs) Deandra, 174 00:06:40,458 --> 00:06:42,791 here is the statement that you gave 175 00:06:42,793 --> 00:06:44,092 to police. 176 00:06:44,094 --> 00:06:45,928 "Bill did it. That goddamn drug addict 177 00:06:45,930 --> 00:06:48,163 "is out of his mind. I'll testify to that. 178 00:06:48,165 --> 00:06:50,432 "I swear on my mother's grave that Bill spiked 179 00:06:50,434 --> 00:06:52,100 "that milk, no doubt about it. 180 00:06:52,102 --> 00:06:54,603 He's guilty, guilty, guilty." 181 00:06:54,605 --> 00:06:56,004 Uh... 182 00:06:56,006 --> 00:06:57,172 Have you ever had sex 183 00:06:57,174 --> 00:06:59,575 with Bill before? 184 00:06:59,577 --> 00:07:01,076 Yeah. 185 00:07:01,078 --> 00:07:02,678 Yes, sure. Because we-we were... 186 00:07:02,680 --> 00:07:04,680 We had a... We were sort of... 187 00:07:04,682 --> 00:07:06,248 We were lovers for a little... 188 00:07:06,250 --> 00:07:08,116 One of his prostitutes, right. 189 00:07:08,118 --> 00:07:09,618 Prostitutes? 190 00:07:09,620 --> 00:07:13,755 Um, I have a receipt for a mink coat, 191 00:07:13,757 --> 00:07:15,424 recently purchased by a Bill Ponderosa 192 00:07:15,426 --> 00:07:19,428 to be delivered to a Dee Reynolds. 193 00:07:19,430 --> 00:07:21,363 A gift? 194 00:07:21,365 --> 00:07:23,799 Yes. I had a birthday. 195 00:07:23,801 --> 00:07:24,933 Six months ago. 196 00:07:24,935 --> 00:07:26,168 Uh... Are you aware 197 00:07:26,170 --> 00:07:27,669 that the coat was purchased 198 00:07:27,671 --> 00:07:30,706 at Doyle McPoyle's Trappings and Fur? 199 00:07:30,708 --> 00:07:31,974 No. Or that the coat 200 00:07:31,976 --> 00:07:33,542 was not made of mink at all 201 00:07:33,544 --> 00:07:35,978 but rather made of... muskrat? 202 00:07:35,980 --> 00:07:39,047 Muskrat? Goddamn muskrat? Are you kidding me, 203 00:07:39,049 --> 00:07:41,383 Bill? Okay, you know what, fine, he spiked it. 204 00:07:41,385 --> 00:07:44,186 (murmuring) I'm sorry. What did you say? 205 00:07:44,188 --> 00:07:46,054 He spiked it and then he tried to bribe me. 206 00:07:48,125 --> 00:07:50,292 No further questions, Your Honor. 207 00:07:50,294 --> 00:07:53,529 Ma'am, do you know what perjury is? 208 00:07:53,531 --> 00:07:55,797 Mm-hmm. 209 00:07:55,799 --> 00:07:57,633 Oh, this is terrible. 210 00:07:57,635 --> 00:07:59,134 Well, he shouldn't be ... This is terrible. 211 00:07:59,136 --> 00:08:00,702 Wow, you guys are getting crushed in there. 212 00:08:00,704 --> 00:08:02,538 Yeah. Oh, I know. Hey, thanks, Mac. Hi. Great. 213 00:08:02,540 --> 00:08:04,673 Hey, you know, I feel like I'm not being utilized properly. 214 00:08:04,675 --> 00:08:06,008 Well, that's 'cause you don't have anything. 215 00:08:06,010 --> 00:08:07,543 So you're not being utilized at all. 216 00:08:07,545 --> 00:08:09,545 Yeah, but what if I get to deliver the bombshell? 217 00:08:09,547 --> 00:08:12,214 Oh. What bombshell? 218 00:08:12,216 --> 00:08:14,650 You guys don't have a bombshell? Oh, my God. 219 00:08:14,652 --> 00:08:16,685 Every good case needs a bombshell. 220 00:08:16,687 --> 00:08:18,320 Oh, Jesus Christ, and, without it, 221 00:08:18,322 --> 00:08:20,689 you're screwed. You know what, you know what? Okay. 222 00:08:20,691 --> 00:08:22,691 I'll find one for you. I'm gonna do, like, a hero cop, 223 00:08:22,693 --> 00:08:24,259 Mark Fuhrman thing... Oh, Mark Furhman. No... 224 00:08:24,261 --> 00:08:25,494 and then sort of transition into a Kato Kaelin. 225 00:08:25,496 --> 00:08:27,262 Yeah, I wish you would do none of it. 226 00:08:27,264 --> 00:08:28,664 Okay. All right. Cool. I wish you'd do none of it, man. 227 00:08:28,666 --> 00:08:30,098 I'm on it, I'm on it. Shit. Okay. All right. 228 00:08:30,100 --> 00:08:32,167 Ah, why can't people just stay out of this? 229 00:08:32,169 --> 00:08:34,069 Yeah, look, there's potentially... That-That's my bird expert. 230 00:08:34,071 --> 00:08:36,672 He's from Penn. The guy... Like, he's totally official, okay? 231 00:08:36,674 --> 00:08:39,007 Let me do the bird thing. He's an ornithologist. I don't think it's a good... 232 00:08:39,009 --> 00:08:40,542 I'm gonna kill, man. I know, but, Charlie, I'm just... 233 00:08:40,544 --> 00:08:41,843 Uncle Jack, put me back on the stand. What? 234 00:08:41,845 --> 00:08:43,445 No, we cannot. Are you kidding me? 235 00:08:43,447 --> 00:08:44,913 You're lucky you didn't get sent to jail. 236 00:08:44,915 --> 00:08:46,448 Yeah, I know. But I think this could work. 237 00:08:46,450 --> 00:08:48,016 I'm gonna say I found some bullshit online 238 00:08:48,018 --> 00:08:51,119 that proves that lawyer's Jewish. Oh. 239 00:08:51,121 --> 00:08:53,789 So what? So what? He'll be a laughingstock. 240 00:08:53,791 --> 00:08:56,024 (laughs) Yes. Yes. Right? 241 00:08:56,026 --> 00:08:57,793 Because the man is Jewish? 242 00:08:59,730 --> 00:09:02,464 No. What? No. Not because he's... Well, that's what 243 00:09:02,466 --> 00:09:04,933 it sounds like you're saying. N-Not because he's Jewish. Because he's a liar 244 00:09:04,935 --> 00:09:06,702 and because he's embarrassed about being Jewish. 245 00:09:06,704 --> 00:09:08,036 I mean, what is that? 246 00:09:08,038 --> 00:09:09,705 Dee, you blew it. Like, big-time. 247 00:09:09,707 --> 00:09:11,707 I wish you guys would just stay out of this. 248 00:09:11,709 --> 00:09:13,208 I-I didn't... I-I... (groans) 249 00:09:18,148 --> 00:09:21,149 Maureen, you are the sister of Bill Ponderosa, 250 00:09:21,151 --> 00:09:24,119 and it was at your wedding that Liam got attacked? 251 00:09:24,121 --> 00:09:26,421 Meow. Mmm. 252 00:09:26,423 --> 00:09:29,825 Your Honor, nothing represents the tragic aftermath 253 00:09:29,827 --> 00:09:32,928 more than the dramatic transformation of this woman... 254 00:09:32,930 --> 00:09:35,631 Uh, cat. Excuse me? 255 00:09:35,633 --> 00:09:37,299 As I transition from woman to cat, 256 00:09:37,301 --> 00:09:41,069 I must insist on being referred to as a cat. 257 00:09:41,071 --> 00:09:43,505 Objection. She's not a cat, Your Honor. 258 00:09:45,776 --> 00:09:48,110 If the witness wants to consider herself a cat, I will allow it. 259 00:09:48,112 --> 00:09:49,978 I just need to know where all this is headed. 260 00:09:49,980 --> 00:09:51,613 How is this relevant? 261 00:09:51,615 --> 00:09:53,248 Well, it's clearly relevant 262 00:09:53,250 --> 00:09:55,350 the attack had a psychological impact 263 00:09:55,352 --> 00:09:58,153 on all the parties that evening. 264 00:09:58,155 --> 00:10:00,322 No further questions. 265 00:10:00,324 --> 00:10:03,759 Y-Your Honor, do you see what's going on here? This is crazy. 266 00:10:03,761 --> 00:10:06,828 You know what, I'm gonna... I'm gonna approach the bench. No. 267 00:10:06,830 --> 00:10:09,097 Can I just approach it real fast? Absolutely not. 268 00:10:09,099 --> 00:10:11,833 All right, earlier, you-you referred to my ex-wife as a cat, 269 00:10:11,835 --> 00:10:14,836 per her request. Uh, now, surely, you wouldn't force a man 270 00:10:14,838 --> 00:10:16,838 to pay alimony to a cat, right? 271 00:10:16,840 --> 00:10:19,941 So motion to establish me not having to pay alimony anymore. 272 00:10:19,943 --> 00:10:22,477 I will not allow that. Okay, well, so can we just... we'll pop it on the docket? 273 00:10:22,479 --> 00:10:24,446 We can put it at the end of the day if you want. 274 00:10:24,448 --> 00:10:26,548 I just want to clear it up while I got her in a courtroom. 275 00:10:26,550 --> 00:10:29,017 I will not allow that, either. Sit down. 276 00:10:29,019 --> 00:10:31,019 Now you don't allow something. Now you don't allow something! 277 00:10:31,021 --> 00:10:33,121 Allow all this. You gonna allow that? 278 00:10:33,123 --> 00:10:36,825 You know? But you don't... Okay, I'm good. Goddamn it. 279 00:10:36,827 --> 00:10:38,393 Frank, 280 00:10:38,395 --> 00:10:40,729 did you go to the wedding? I did. 281 00:10:40,731 --> 00:10:43,532 And I snuck Ryan up in the trunk of my car. 282 00:10:43,534 --> 00:10:47,035 He hadn't been invited to the wedding, on account of the beef with Liam. 283 00:10:47,037 --> 00:10:49,905 And I had him in the trunk of the car, on account of I didn't want to sit with him 284 00:10:49,907 --> 00:10:51,339 'cause he's gross. Right. 285 00:10:51,341 --> 00:10:54,076 (chuckles) And, uh, uh, 286 00:10:54,078 --> 00:10:57,579 what did Ryan say to you when you got to the wedding? 287 00:10:57,581 --> 00:10:59,981 "I'm gonna kill Maureen Ponderosa." 288 00:10:59,983 --> 00:11:04,319 So, if there's someone to point the finger at, it would be... 289 00:11:04,321 --> 00:11:06,521 his brother! (gallery gasping) 290 00:11:06,523 --> 00:11:09,925 Oh, my God! Oh, my God, nobody look! 291 00:11:09,927 --> 00:11:12,360 Nobody look! Nobody look! 292 00:11:12,362 --> 00:11:14,930 Nobody look! Nobody look! 293 00:11:14,932 --> 00:11:16,598 Nobody look! 294 00:11:18,035 --> 00:11:19,501 Now, you've stabbed 295 00:11:19,503 --> 00:11:21,269 your brother before, correct? 296 00:11:21,271 --> 00:11:23,038 Oh, sure. 297 00:11:23,040 --> 00:11:24,539 And you were upset at the wedding. 298 00:11:24,541 --> 00:11:28,376 So it's not crazy for me to ask you this. 299 00:11:28,378 --> 00:11:31,947 Ryan McPoyle, did you attack your brother at the wedding? 300 00:11:31,949 --> 00:11:35,217 Oh. I'm not Ryan. 301 00:11:35,219 --> 00:11:38,286 What, you're not? Nope. 302 00:11:38,288 --> 00:11:41,289 I'm Lion. Like the animal. 303 00:11:41,291 --> 00:11:42,858 Lion McPoyle. 304 00:11:42,860 --> 00:11:45,026 Wh-Why are you on the stand? 305 00:11:45,028 --> 00:11:46,628 Because you said "his brother" 306 00:11:46,630 --> 00:11:48,730 and threw your big fake hand at me. 307 00:11:48,732 --> 00:11:51,299 O-Okay. Ryan's at home with Liam, taking care of his infected eye. 308 00:11:51,301 --> 00:11:52,934 Okay, uh, uh, boy, let's, uh, 309 00:11:52,936 --> 00:11:55,937 str-strike that, uh, hand comment from the record. 310 00:11:55,939 --> 00:11:58,373 Uh, would you happen to know 311 00:11:58,375 --> 00:12:00,542 if Ryan stabbed his brother in the eye? 312 00:12:00,544 --> 00:12:02,444 Oh, yeah. I know. He totally did it. 313 00:12:02,446 --> 00:12:04,546 (gallery murmuring) Well, then I guess 314 00:12:04,548 --> 00:12:07,082 we will never know, ladies and gentlemen. 315 00:12:07,084 --> 00:12:08,817 Uncle Jack, he just confessed! 316 00:12:08,819 --> 00:12:10,452 He did? Yes! 317 00:12:10,454 --> 00:12:12,721 Yeah, Ryan stabbed Liam. I totally saw it. 318 00:12:12,723 --> 00:12:14,623 Oh, my God! We won! 319 00:12:15,893 --> 00:12:16,925 We— you did it. 320 00:12:16,927 --> 00:12:18,827 We did it. How did I do it? 321 00:12:18,829 --> 00:12:21,730 Lion, was Ryan drinking milk at the wedding? 322 00:12:21,732 --> 00:12:23,431 Of course. Everyone was. 323 00:12:23,433 --> 00:12:26,768 So who did the stabbing doesn't matter, Your Honor, 324 00:12:26,770 --> 00:12:28,804 because they were all still drugged 325 00:12:28,806 --> 00:12:31,807 on Bill Ponderosa's spiked milk, 326 00:12:31,809 --> 00:12:34,910 which is the point I've been trying to make the entire time. 327 00:12:34,912 --> 00:12:38,513 So just to be clear, you've proven my case. 328 00:12:38,515 --> 00:12:40,682 You lose. 329 00:12:40,684 --> 00:12:44,119 (gallery groaning) (sighs) I can't follow any of this. 330 00:12:44,121 --> 00:12:47,289 What? Guys, I got it. 331 00:12:47,291 --> 00:12:48,924 You-you got what? 332 00:12:48,926 --> 00:12:51,426 I got the bombshell. 333 00:12:51,428 --> 00:12:53,428 Okay, Mr. McDonald, 334 00:12:53,430 --> 00:12:57,098 you recently found out some very interesting information. 335 00:12:57,100 --> 00:12:59,267 Care to share it with the court? 336 00:12:59,269 --> 00:13:01,603 Yes. I've recently been informed 337 00:13:01,605 --> 00:13:06,007 that Ryan McPoyle only drinks mother's milk! 338 00:13:06,009 --> 00:13:08,109 (gallery gasping, murmuring) Which means there's no way 339 00:13:08,111 --> 00:13:11,179 he could have drank the milk that Bill spiked, 340 00:13:11,181 --> 00:13:13,782 which means he was sober when he attacked his brother, 341 00:13:13,784 --> 00:13:15,517 which means Bill is innocent! 342 00:13:15,519 --> 00:13:18,153 Case closed! Kaboom! 343 00:13:18,155 --> 00:13:20,222 Bombshell! 344 00:13:21,692 --> 00:13:23,391 I did it. I did it, black judge. I did it. 345 00:13:23,393 --> 00:13:26,328 Mr... Mr. McDonald, how did you come upon this information? 346 00:13:26,330 --> 00:13:28,964 Oh, I banged Margaret McPoyle. I'm curious 347 00:13:28,966 --> 00:13:32,234 how she told you, because Margaret is a mute. 348 00:13:32,236 --> 00:13:35,737 Well, guess what, smart guy, I had her write it down. 349 00:13:35,739 --> 00:13:40,709 One more thing, Your Honor. Margaret, you carry a picture 350 00:13:40,711 --> 00:13:43,144 of Mother with you at all times, don't you? 351 00:13:43,146 --> 00:13:45,280 Do you mind showing that to the court? 352 00:13:53,090 --> 00:13:54,689 Your Honor, 353 00:13:54,691 --> 00:13:57,492 Mother is the name of the McPoyle family cow. 354 00:13:57,494 --> 00:13:59,861 The cow that provided the milk for the wedding. 355 00:13:59,863 --> 00:14:01,997 The milk that was drugged by... 356 00:14:01,999 --> 00:14:05,333 Bill Ponderosa. 357 00:14:05,335 --> 00:14:08,336 That mute bitch lied to me for sex. 358 00:14:08,338 --> 00:14:10,071 Bombshell diffused. 359 00:14:10,073 --> 00:14:11,907 Abramowitz! (gallery murmuring) 360 00:14:11,909 --> 00:14:15,677 Your great-grandmother's last name was Abramowitz. 361 00:14:15,679 --> 00:14:17,579 I found it on an ancestry Web site. 362 00:14:17,581 --> 00:14:24,019 That makes you a dirty liar because you are Jewish. 363 00:14:25,789 --> 00:14:28,189 Okay, I... That came out kind of bad. 364 00:14:28,191 --> 00:14:30,525 I-I'm not disgusted by the Jewish part. 365 00:14:30,527 --> 00:14:32,627 It's the... it's the lying part that I was talking about. 366 00:14:32,629 --> 00:14:36,097 This dirty liar is a Jew... 367 00:14:36,099 --> 00:14:38,099 ish man. 368 00:14:38,101 --> 00:14:40,101 Recess? 369 00:14:40,103 --> 00:14:41,937 Oh, God! 370 00:14:41,939 --> 00:14:43,738 Oh, that stupid Dee. All right, calm down, calm down. 371 00:14:43,740 --> 00:14:45,607 Look, as the great Johnnie Cochran once said, 372 00:14:45,609 --> 00:14:47,442 if the glove doesn't fit, give up. 373 00:14:47,444 --> 00:14:49,377 That's not what he said! That's not... It... 374 00:14:49,379 --> 00:14:50,879 How are you a lawyer, Jack? All right... 375 00:14:50,881 --> 00:14:52,814 I mean, I know more than you. All right, look... 376 00:14:52,816 --> 00:14:54,616 Watch your voice. Watch your voice. Okay, okay, let's just... 377 00:14:54,618 --> 00:14:56,251 let me do my bird thing. Okay, Bill, 378 00:14:56,253 --> 00:14:57,919 I want to do the bird thing. Can we just do it...? 379 00:14:57,921 --> 00:14:59,487 Yeah, that's great. No, let's do the bird thing. 380 00:14:59,489 --> 00:15:01,222 You're good with it now? Okay. Love it, yeah. 381 00:15:01,224 --> 00:15:03,458 Jesus, son, what'd you cut this with? Shut up, bitch. 382 00:15:03,460 --> 00:15:05,627 Son? Your... This is... Your son is your dealer? 383 00:15:05,629 --> 00:15:06,962 He's reliable. 384 00:15:06,964 --> 00:15:08,763 Oh, God. Frank, what are you doing, man? 385 00:15:08,765 --> 00:15:10,899 Come on, reign it in. I paid for it. 386 00:15:10,901 --> 00:15:13,335 I'm gonna do it. Hey, fat ass, this asshole's short 30 bucks. 387 00:15:13,337 --> 00:15:15,637 Go steal another set of my golf clubs, you piece of shit. 388 00:15:15,639 --> 00:15:17,672 (bleep) you. Piss off. 389 00:15:17,674 --> 00:15:19,607 Guys, guys, we're doing the bird theory, all right? All right. 390 00:15:19,609 --> 00:15:21,643 All right. All right. All right. I'm taking the lead here, okay? 391 00:15:21,645 --> 00:15:23,411 Yeah. All right, let's do it. Birds on three. 392 00:15:23,413 --> 00:15:25,513 One, two, three. Birds! Those are just ridiculous, man. 393 00:15:25,515 --> 00:15:28,516 It's like three hands... like eight hands out there. Yeah. 394 00:15:28,518 --> 00:15:30,318 Your Honor, 395 00:15:30,320 --> 00:15:32,187 this is the McPoyle family crest. 396 00:15:32,189 --> 00:15:34,756 On it you will find a bird— 397 00:15:34,758 --> 00:15:37,325 a Pocono swallow, to be more accurate. 398 00:15:37,327 --> 00:15:39,027 A very rare, very elusive bird. 399 00:15:39,029 --> 00:15:40,528 You'll notice its trademark 400 00:15:40,530 --> 00:15:43,999 unibrow, highly uncommon in most aviary circles. 401 00:15:44,001 --> 00:15:45,600 And my research shows 402 00:15:45,602 --> 00:15:48,603 that unlike your typical North American barn swallow, 403 00:15:48,605 --> 00:15:51,506 the Pocono swallow, if kept under the proper conditions, 404 00:15:51,508 --> 00:15:54,509 can live as long as 80 to even 85 years, 405 00:15:54,511 --> 00:15:56,211 much like a parrot 406 00:15:56,213 --> 00:15:58,713 or some of the more resilient coastal gulls. 407 00:15:58,715 --> 00:16:01,549 Your Honor, where is this going? 408 00:16:01,551 --> 00:16:05,186 I don't know, but it'd better lead somewhere fast. 409 00:16:05,188 --> 00:16:06,554 Your Honor, I can assure you 410 00:16:06,556 --> 00:16:08,056 that this will be our final argument. 411 00:16:08,058 --> 00:16:09,858 Well, if it's gonna help end all of this madness, 412 00:16:09,860 --> 00:16:11,292 I'll allow it. 413 00:16:11,294 --> 00:16:12,660 Thank you, Your Honor. 414 00:16:12,662 --> 00:16:14,562 Now, there was another member 415 00:16:14,564 --> 00:16:16,398 of the McPoyle family clan at the wedding 416 00:16:16,400 --> 00:16:17,866 the night of the incident. 417 00:16:17,868 --> 00:16:20,201 A member that none of us have met. 418 00:16:20,203 --> 00:16:22,370 Certainly not anyone on this side of the aisle. 419 00:16:22,372 --> 00:16:26,041 A one Mr. Royal McPoyle. 420 00:16:26,043 --> 00:16:29,144 A bird. The McPoyle family's 421 00:16:29,146 --> 00:16:31,880 pet Pocono swallow, and my research shows 422 00:16:31,882 --> 00:16:33,415 that this particular Pocono swallow 423 00:16:33,417 --> 00:16:35,750 has a history of violence. 424 00:16:35,752 --> 00:16:38,653 Look into the gallery, and you will see Royal's victims. 425 00:16:38,655 --> 00:16:41,089 It took Margaret's vocal cords in 1999, 426 00:16:41,091 --> 00:16:43,091 leaving her mute. 427 00:16:43,093 --> 00:16:45,093 Keith McPoyle lost his eyes and his ears 428 00:16:45,095 --> 00:16:47,495 to it in '76, and we all know 429 00:16:47,497 --> 00:16:49,931 that according to bird law, it's three strikes, 430 00:16:49,933 --> 00:16:51,766 and you're out. 431 00:16:51,768 --> 00:16:54,269 Bye, bye, birdie. 432 00:16:54,271 --> 00:16:57,105 Ready, boys and girls, because here's where it gets good. 433 00:16:57,107 --> 00:16:59,841 Ryan McPoyle didn't attack Liam. Royal did. 434 00:16:59,843 --> 00:17:02,677 And Lion was lying about Ryan attacking Liam 435 00:17:02,679 --> 00:17:04,279 to protect Royal from the chair. 436 00:17:04,281 --> 00:17:05,847 Or lethal injection. 437 00:17:05,849 --> 00:17:07,682 Or perhaps some sort of small bird guillotine. 438 00:17:07,684 --> 00:17:09,384 I wouldn't understand the physics of it. 439 00:17:09,386 --> 00:17:11,119 I'm not an executioner. 440 00:17:11,121 --> 00:17:14,322 I'm just the best goddamn bird lawyer in the world. 441 00:17:16,126 --> 00:17:18,293 So, bottom line— and listen up, numbnuts, 442 00:17:18,295 --> 00:17:21,196 'cause it blows a hole in your case— 443 00:17:21,198 --> 00:17:24,065 birds don't drink milk. 444 00:17:24,067 --> 00:17:25,767 Objection, Your Honor. (gallery groaning) 445 00:17:25,769 --> 00:17:28,403 There's no Royal McPoyle. 446 00:17:28,405 --> 00:17:31,539 Perhaps, or perhaps not. 447 00:17:31,541 --> 00:17:35,810 Your Honor, I call Pappy McPoyle to the stand. 448 00:17:35,812 --> 00:17:39,781 Pappy McPoyle, patriarch of the McPoyle family. 449 00:17:39,783 --> 00:17:43,318 Royal was your pet bird. You've had him since you were a boy. 450 00:17:43,320 --> 00:17:46,221 And isn't it true that you never go anywhere without him? 451 00:17:46,223 --> 00:17:47,956 (crying): Yeah. Yeah. 452 00:17:47,958 --> 00:17:49,924 I have seen... 453 00:17:49,926 --> 00:17:52,260 raccoons and oysters dancing... 454 00:17:52,262 --> 00:17:54,462 in the head of a pin with the angels. 455 00:17:54,464 --> 00:17:56,164 They are laughing. 456 00:17:56,166 --> 00:17:57,832 All right, Your Honor, 457 00:17:57,834 --> 00:18:00,068 clearly, this witness is mentally unwell 458 00:18:00,070 --> 00:18:02,637 and cannot answer any of the questions properly... 459 00:18:02,639 --> 00:18:05,273 Uh, perhaps, Your Honor, or-or perhaps it's just a cover. 460 00:18:05,275 --> 00:18:06,975 But it's quite all right. 461 00:18:06,977 --> 00:18:08,977 I don't have any further questions. 462 00:18:08,979 --> 00:18:10,945 Oh, except one more. 463 00:18:10,947 --> 00:18:14,983 Didn't the bailiff ask everyone to remove their hats? 464 00:18:16,253 --> 00:18:17,485 That is true. 465 00:18:17,487 --> 00:18:19,187 Mr. McPoyle, 466 00:18:19,189 --> 00:18:21,256 would you please remove your hat? 467 00:18:21,258 --> 00:18:25,026 Hmm... Mr. McPoyle, please remove your hat. 468 00:18:25,028 --> 00:18:27,595 Perhaps he is too insane to understand the question. 469 00:18:27,597 --> 00:18:30,031 Why don't I just...? 470 00:18:34,504 --> 00:18:36,771 Ladies and gentlemen, Royal McPoyle. 471 00:18:38,041 --> 00:18:39,440 Chickadee, dee, dee, little birdie. 472 00:18:39,442 --> 00:18:40,842 Let's dance. 473 00:18:40,844 --> 00:18:42,710 Your Honor, this is Mr. Belka Maier. 474 00:18:42,712 --> 00:18:44,846 He's a professor of ornithology at the University of Penn. 475 00:18:44,848 --> 00:18:46,347 Mr. Maier, it's safe to say 476 00:18:46,349 --> 00:18:48,283 you're a bit of an expert on birds, yes? 477 00:18:48,285 --> 00:18:50,018 I believe you're correct. 478 00:18:50,020 --> 00:18:52,020 And you would understand this Pocono swallow quite well, 479 00:18:52,022 --> 00:18:53,521 wouldn't you? Yes, I do. 480 00:18:53,523 --> 00:18:55,890 Then please ask it if it attacked Liam! 481 00:18:55,892 --> 00:18:58,493 Ask... if... What? 482 00:18:58,495 --> 00:19:00,295 Mr. Maier, I would like you to please talk 483 00:19:00,297 --> 00:19:03,565 to the bird and say, "Did you attack Liam McPoyle?" 484 00:19:03,567 --> 00:19:06,868 (laughing): I can't converse with... with a bird. 485 00:19:06,870 --> 00:19:09,637 Well, I thought you were an expert on birds. I am an expert on birds, but... 486 00:19:09,639 --> 00:19:11,539 Well, I need you to communicate with the bird. 487 00:19:11,541 --> 00:19:13,575 This is very important, and I need to... But it's a... 488 00:19:15,045 --> 00:19:16,811 Well, this is a bit embarrassing, Your Honor. 489 00:19:16,813 --> 00:19:18,646 Perhaps this man has lied about his credentials. 490 00:19:18,648 --> 00:19:22,183 Uh, fortunately, I am familiar with a little bit of pigeon. 491 00:19:22,185 --> 00:19:25,386 Perhaps I can get through to it in some way. 492 00:19:27,857 --> 00:19:29,390 Okay. 493 00:19:29,392 --> 00:19:31,059 Your Honor, this is nonsense. 494 00:19:31,061 --> 00:19:33,194 Look, kitty. (mews) 495 00:19:33,196 --> 00:19:35,196 Yeah, kitty. Chase the laser beam, kitty. (gallery gasping and murmuring) 496 00:19:35,198 --> 00:19:37,265 Order. Your Honor, you've got a man speaking to a bird. 497 00:19:37,267 --> 00:19:39,200 And yet, you refuse to rule 498 00:19:39,202 --> 00:19:41,769 on me having to pay alimony to this cat. 499 00:19:41,771 --> 00:19:43,204 What is this? Order! 500 00:19:43,206 --> 00:19:44,372 It's a mockery of justice, Your Honor. 501 00:19:44,374 --> 00:19:46,441 This is ridiculous, and this... 502 00:19:46,443 --> 00:19:49,677 I said, order! (gallery clamoring) 503 00:19:49,679 --> 00:19:51,613 He's talking to the pigeon! 504 00:19:51,615 --> 00:19:53,715 I'm not paying alimony to a goddamn cat! 505 00:19:53,717 --> 00:19:56,184 Order! I want order in this court! 506 00:19:56,186 --> 00:19:57,752 Fly, my pet! 507 00:19:57,754 --> 00:19:59,120 Fly! 508 00:20:01,091 --> 00:20:02,957 Bring me their eyes! 509 00:20:07,964 --> 00:20:09,297 Bring them to me! 510 00:20:10,300 --> 00:20:11,366 Oh! 511 00:20:20,577 --> 00:20:22,243 In my 35 years on this bench, I have never seen 512 00:20:22,245 --> 00:20:24,045 such a mockery made of this courtroom. 513 00:20:24,047 --> 00:20:27,548 You people have wasted my time, 514 00:20:27,550 --> 00:20:29,384 you've wasted the taxpayers' time, 515 00:20:29,386 --> 00:20:32,453 and this justice has heard enough. 516 00:20:32,455 --> 00:20:33,888 I am throwing this case out. 517 00:20:33,890 --> 00:20:35,390 I should've done it hours ago. 518 00:20:35,392 --> 00:20:36,724 He's throwing it out! That means we win! 519 00:20:36,726 --> 00:20:38,259 That means we win! That means we won! 520 00:20:38,261 --> 00:20:40,795 Damn, damn, damn! 521 00:20:40,797 --> 00:20:42,330 Order. 522 00:20:42,332 --> 00:20:44,999 Eat that! Damn it! 523 00:20:45,001 --> 00:20:46,000 Order! 524 00:20:46,002 --> 00:20:48,403 This court has ruled. 525 00:20:48,405 --> 00:20:50,305 Now, I suggest 526 00:20:50,307 --> 00:20:52,307 that you people get the hell out of my courtroom 527 00:20:52,309 --> 00:20:54,075 before I put you all in jail. 528 00:20:54,077 --> 00:20:55,510 You got it! Get out! 529 00:20:55,512 --> 00:20:57,412 Bailiff, next case. 530 00:20:57,414 --> 00:20:59,781 Ridiculous. 531 00:20:59,783 --> 00:21:01,416 We have Morgan State Delivery 532 00:21:01,418 --> 00:21:03,785 v. the proprietors of one Paddy's Pub. 533 00:21:03,787 --> 00:21:06,788 Oh! That's us. Yeah, that's us, Your Honor. Oh, that's us. Oh! 534 00:21:06,790 --> 00:21:08,690 Oh, hell no! Uh-uh. 535 00:21:08,692 --> 00:21:10,358 All right. Uh-uh! 536 00:21:47,864 --> 00:21:49,364 Brown.