1
00:00:03,993 --> 00:00:05,326
Okay, gather round,
everybody, gather round.

2
00:00:05,328 --> 00:00:06,694
Gather round, please.

3
00:00:06,696 --> 00:00:08,496
Yeah, I-I have
a, uh, a presentation.

4
00:00:08,498 --> 00:00:10,331
Now, because of everyone's
A.D.D., I know I'm gonna

5
00:00:10,333 --> 00:00:11,899
lose your attention in
about three minutes,

6
00:00:11,901 --> 00:00:13,467
and, uh, Frank's
gonna fall asleep.
No way.

7
00:00:13,469 --> 00:00:15,970
I slept 26 hours
last night.

8
00:00:15,972 --> 00:00:18,372
You still seem very sleepy.
Can I start my presentation?

9
00:00:18,374 --> 00:00:20,841
Where's the easel?
No, no, I'm not using an
easel— don't interrupt.

10
00:00:22,912 --> 00:00:24,745
And I don't want the easel.
What are you gonna point with?

11
00:00:24,747 --> 00:00:26,247
Don't want whatever the
hell you're gonna say.

12
00:00:26,249 --> 00:00:28,082
'Cause it's all gonna be old
and outdated, all right?

13
00:00:28,084 --> 00:00:29,850
Let me start my presentation,
which is actually about that.

14
00:00:29,852 --> 00:00:31,052
It's about innovation.

15
00:00:31,054 --> 00:00:33,220
Not taking questions.
Goddamn.

16
00:00:33,222 --> 00:00:35,156
Let me do my thing, okay?
Stop interrupting.

17
00:00:35,158 --> 00:00:39,060
Okay, so, um, as we all know,
um, tomorrow is St. Paddy's Day,

18
00:00:39,062 --> 00:00:40,828
traditionally our
most profitable day.

19
00:00:40,830 --> 00:00:44,198
However, recently, profits
have been declining.

20
00:00:44,200 --> 00:00:46,767
Every year.
And we need to change.

21
00:00:46,769 --> 00:00:48,402
We need innovation.

22
00:00:48,404 --> 00:00:50,071
We need to move Paddy's
from the past and into...

23
00:00:50,073 --> 00:00:53,074
the future,
a mobile Paddy wagon.

24
00:00:53,076 --> 00:00:54,842
Now, these days, people like
to have things on demand.

25
00:00:54,844 --> 00:00:57,244
So instead of having
to go to a bar,

26
00:00:57,246 --> 00:01:00,014
we will bring the bar to you.

27
00:01:00,016 --> 00:01:02,416
Ooh, is that, like, a car
service type of thing?

28
00:01:02,418 --> 00:01:04,418
Where we pick people up and
take 'em around from bar to bar

29
00:01:04,420 --> 00:01:05,920
and jack up the prices?

30
00:01:05,922 --> 00:01:07,721
That's actually
a really good idea.
Uh, no.

31
00:01:07,723 --> 00:01:09,723
The Paddy's wagon
is the bar.

32
00:01:09,725 --> 00:01:11,125
No, Dennis.

33
00:01:11,127 --> 00:01:12,526
If we want to make money,

34
00:01:12,528 --> 00:01:14,428
we need to honor ancient
Irish traditions,

35
00:01:14,430 --> 00:01:17,264
like serving an irresponsible
amount of booze to people

36
00:01:17,266 --> 00:01:19,233
who are genetically predisposed
to having alcohol problems.

37
00:01:19,235 --> 00:01:20,568
Right.
You see,

38
00:01:20,570 --> 00:01:21,936
St. Patrick started
that tradition,

39
00:01:21,938 --> 00:01:23,404
and that's why we
celebrate him today.

40
00:01:23,406 --> 00:01:24,805
Yeah... No, that's
not what he did.

41
00:01:24,807 --> 00:01:26,774
No, he-he played
the flute for some kids,

42
00:01:26,776 --> 00:01:28,609
and then he lured them
into a cave somewhere,

43
00:01:28,611 --> 00:01:30,211
and he diddled them.
Nah.

44
00:01:30,213 --> 00:01:32,780
You got him mixed up
with the Pied Piper.
Right.

45
00:01:32,782 --> 00:01:35,082
St. Patrick didn't
play the flute.

46
00:01:35,084 --> 00:01:36,917
He drove the kids
out of Ireland.

47
00:01:36,919 --> 00:01:38,319
And then he molested 'em.

48
00:01:38,321 --> 00:01:40,454
No, no, if-if St. Patrick
molested kids,

49
00:01:40,456 --> 00:01:42,223
he would be regarded
as a scoundrel.
No, no, no.

50
00:01:42,225 --> 00:01:44,625
I feel like, in the olden days
of the Catholic Church,

51
00:01:44,627 --> 00:01:46,594
pedophiles were
regarded as heroes.

52
00:01:46,596 --> 00:01:48,062
All right, all right,
look, g-guys, uh,

53
00:01:48,064 --> 00:01:49,797
St. Patrick didn't do
any of that shit, okay?

54
00:01:49,799 --> 00:01:50,931
He drove the snakes
out of Ireland.

55
00:01:50,933 --> 00:01:52,333
Uh, I-I don't know
about all this.

56
00:01:52,335 --> 00:01:53,634
I kind of want to just do
the traditional thing

57
00:01:53,636 --> 00:01:55,136
of, like, sticking
around the bar

58
00:01:55,138 --> 00:01:56,770
and-and trying to catch
the leprechaun.
No, no!

59
00:01:56,772 --> 00:01:58,439
No, we don't want to do
the leprechaun thing again.

60
00:01:58,441 --> 00:02:00,441
Stop, stop, guys...
I'm gonna catch one.

61
00:02:00,443 --> 00:02:02,109
I'm, like, this close.
You're not gonna catch him

62
00:02:02,111 --> 00:02:03,844
because he doesn't exist.
Guys, please, just, plea...

63
00:02:03,846 --> 00:02:05,246
Dude, you know what...
I don't even know

64
00:02:05,248 --> 00:02:06,747
if I've set up
my glue traps for him yet.

65
00:02:06,749 --> 00:02:08,082
Charlie, enough
with the leprechaun!

66
00:02:08,084 --> 00:02:09,650
I mean, can you believe him?
Okay, wait.

67
00:02:09,652 --> 00:02:12,119
Who cares?
Look, I'm trying to...
You know what,

68
00:02:12,121 --> 00:02:13,988
actually— I might
want to get myself a flute.

69
00:02:13,990 --> 00:02:15,689
I was thinking the same thing.
We've been talking... you were?

70
00:02:15,691 --> 00:02:17,458
Yeah, because I-I feel like
it's a really fun...

71
00:02:17,460 --> 00:02:19,160
I know we're
kind of old, but...
You're gonna go get a flute?

72
00:02:19,162 --> 00:02:20,494
Go get a flute, yeah.
Go get... go get a flute!

73
00:02:20,496 --> 00:02:22,096
Everybody go get a flute!

74
00:02:22,098 --> 00:02:24,198
in the sixth grade,
I feel like it's kind of simple.

75
00:02:24,200 --> 00:02:25,833
Frank, look...

76
00:02:25,835 --> 00:02:27,935
All right, let me
explain it to you, at least.

77
00:02:27,937 --> 00:02:29,170
(snoring)
No, he's gone.

78
00:02:29,172 --> 00:02:31,238
Okay.

79
00:02:56,866 --> 00:02:59,300
So, Frank... here's the plan.

80
00:02:59,302 --> 00:03:02,169
We're gonna fill the wagon
with hip, attractive clientele.

81
00:03:02,171 --> 00:03:04,071
We're gonna use my streamlined
system to process drink orders.

82
00:03:04,073 --> 00:03:05,539
We're gonna take photographs
with a retro filter

83
00:03:05,541 --> 00:03:07,007
for the Web site.

84
00:03:07,009 --> 00:03:08,876
And that will entice
future end users

85
00:03:08,878 --> 00:03:10,878
to comment
and spread brand awareness

86
00:03:10,880 --> 00:03:13,180
over various
social media platforms.

87
00:03:13,182 --> 00:03:14,848
That seems insanely complicated.

88
00:03:14,850 --> 00:03:16,850
Why don't we just take cash?

89
00:03:16,852 --> 00:03:18,219
No, no, no, no. What I'm talking
about's way simpler than cash.

90
00:03:18,221 --> 00:03:20,087
It's-it's streamlined.

91
00:03:20,089 --> 00:03:22,323
I'm lost.
It's... I'm trying
to explain it to you

92
00:03:22,325 --> 00:03:24,191
and I feel like
you're not even listening.
I-I...

93
00:03:24,193 --> 00:03:26,260
(Irish brogue):
Top o' the morning,
you filthy lads.

94
00:03:26,262 --> 00:03:30,197
I'm fixing to have a whale of
a time in this here mobile pub.

95
00:03:30,199 --> 00:03:31,532
I'm so sorry— what is this?

96
00:03:31,534 --> 00:03:34,168
Crazy Paddy,
you big, dumb arse.

97
00:03:34,170 --> 00:03:35,869
(laughs)
Yeah. Why?

98
00:03:35,871 --> 00:03:38,072
'Cause it's fun.
No.

99
00:03:38,074 --> 00:03:40,040
I thought that's the thing
about St. Patrick's Day—

100
00:03:40,042 --> 00:03:41,842
people want clownery and-and
they want to embrace

101
00:03:41,844 --> 00:03:43,777
the Irish stereotypes.
No, no, no.
This isn't innovative.

102
00:03:43,779 --> 00:03:46,614
It's outdated and it's gonna
offend people.

103
00:03:46,616 --> 00:03:49,016
Well, I brought my piece in case
anybody gets out of line.
Oh, I...

104
00:03:49,018 --> 00:03:50,684
Okay, Frank, Frank,
look— no guns.

105
00:03:50,686 --> 00:03:52,586
Let go.
No guns, no costumes.

106
00:03:52,588 --> 00:03:54,622
Okay, trust me,
I got this.

107
00:03:54,624 --> 00:03:56,423
Frank, you're gonna drive.
Drive.

108
00:03:56,425 --> 00:03:57,791
Okay, Dee, you're
gonna serve drinks. In the back.

109
00:03:57,793 --> 00:03:59,760
As a human being.
A real one.

110
00:03:59,762 --> 00:04:01,061
Mm.
Guys,

111
00:04:01,063 --> 00:04:02,062
I'm gonna provide...

112
00:04:02,064 --> 00:04:03,230
the experience.

113
00:04:03,232 --> 00:04:05,799
(Irish jig plays)
Ooh.

114
00:04:05,801 --> 00:04:06,967
Okay, yeah.
Yeah, right?

115
00:04:06,969 --> 00:04:08,569
Yeah, I
like this.
Nice.

116
00:04:08,571 --> 00:04:10,704
I... See, I told you.
I know what I'm doing.

117
00:04:10,706 --> 00:04:12,139
Come on, let's go.

118
00:04:12,141 --> 00:04:13,574
Frank, you're driving.

119
00:04:13,576 --> 00:04:16,110
Okay. Here we go.
(engine starts)

120
00:04:19,815 --> 00:04:23,450
Ho! Check it out, Mac,
got some cool stuff.

121
00:04:23,452 --> 00:04:26,120
I got some green paint
and I found a snake.

122
00:04:26,122 --> 00:04:28,622
Great. Why?

123
00:04:28,624 --> 00:04:30,591
You know, the snakes, 'cause,
like, we... I don't remember

124
00:04:30,593 --> 00:04:32,493
where we landed on St. Paddy,
but I remember snakes

125
00:04:32,495 --> 00:04:34,795
were involved. And the green
paint's for the, uh, beer.

126
00:04:34,797 --> 00:04:36,997
Okay, love the snake.
Great catch there.

127
00:04:36,999 --> 00:04:39,099
But why not just use food
coloring for the beer?

128
00:04:39,101 --> 00:04:40,467
Uh, 'cause beer's not a food.

129
00:04:40,469 --> 00:04:42,236
When was the last time
you ate a beer?

130
00:04:42,238 --> 00:04:43,904
When was the last time
you drank paint?

131
00:04:46,575 --> 00:04:47,675
Have you been drinking paint?

132
00:04:49,578 --> 00:04:50,911
No.

133
00:04:50,913 --> 00:04:52,446
Let me see your tongue.

134
00:04:52,448 --> 00:04:54,615
Oh, my God, dude!

135
00:04:54,617 --> 00:04:57,785
Oh, that shit's
just disgusting!
It's not bad.

136
00:04:57,787 --> 00:05:00,087
You... you can't drink paint.
I know. I hear you,
I hear you.

137
00:05:00,089 --> 00:05:01,989
You say that, but I don't think
that you're gonna stop.

138
00:05:01,991 --> 00:05:04,124
Yeah, I get it, though, man.
It's, uh... Right.

139
00:05:04,126 --> 00:05:06,427
I-I feel like you're saying you
get it, but you don't get it.

140
00:05:06,429 --> 00:05:07,995
It's cool.
It's not cool.

141
00:05:07,997 --> 00:05:09,263
It is what it is.
Oh, my God,

142
00:05:09,265 --> 00:05:10,631
this is so frustrating!
Look,

143
00:05:10,633 --> 00:05:12,099
I'm gonna go down
to the basement

144
00:05:12,101 --> 00:05:14,268
and I'm gonna check
out my glue traps

145
00:05:14,270 --> 00:05:15,769
and see if I, you know,
got a leprechaun in there.
Wait, no, no, no, no.

146
00:05:15,771 --> 00:05:18,339
What... We said
no leprechaun this year.

147
00:05:18,341 --> 00:05:20,040
You're not chasing leprechauns.

148
00:05:20,042 --> 00:05:21,975
I know, and I kind of forgot
where we landed on that.

149
00:05:21,977 --> 00:05:24,278
I got these great cookie sheets,
they're filled with glue, so...

150
00:05:24,280 --> 00:05:26,313
But I-I hear you,
I hear you.

151
00:05:26,315 --> 00:05:28,048
It's a frustrating thing.
It's like the guy doesn't

152
00:05:28,050 --> 00:05:30,017
listen to us, man, when we're
trying to get through to him.

153
00:05:30,019 --> 00:05:31,585
It's a bummer.

154
00:05:35,291 --> 00:05:37,358
No, not you.
Keep moving, let's go,

155
00:05:37,360 --> 00:05:39,360
come on.
You kidding me?

156
00:05:39,362 --> 00:05:43,063
Oh, oh, h-hey-hey,
there, fellas.

157
00:05:43,065 --> 00:05:44,832
What's going on?
Where you going? You know what?

158
00:05:44,834 --> 00:05:47,034
Don't answer that.
Because I already know.

159
00:05:47,036 --> 00:05:48,736
You're going for a ride
in the Paddy's Wagon.

160
00:05:48,738 --> 00:05:51,205
Oh, cool. Is this,
like, a car service thing?

161
00:05:51,207 --> 00:05:52,906
Hey, can you take us
to Center City?

162
00:05:52,908 --> 00:05:55,175
No, it's not a goddamn car
service. Why does everyone...

163
00:05:55,177 --> 00:05:57,411
(Irish brogue): You get in that
wagon right now or I'm gonna

164
00:05:57,413 --> 00:05:59,413
sock you a good one
right in the kisser!

165
00:05:59,415 --> 00:06:01,548
(forced laugh)
Yeah, you dumb bi...

166
00:06:01,550 --> 00:06:03,851
What the hell
are you doing?
Uh, just innovating.

167
00:06:03,853 --> 00:06:05,519
I took the Paddy's wig
and I cut it

168
00:06:05,521 --> 00:06:07,421
into an awesome beard.
Great new character.
No.

169
00:06:07,423 --> 00:06:08,589
Hilarious.
You've just created another

170
00:06:08,591 --> 00:06:10,257
offensive Irish stereotype, Dee.

171
00:06:10,259 --> 00:06:12,226
The Fighting Irish—
i-it's true.

172
00:06:12,228 --> 00:06:13,427
I mean, that's
what Irish people do.
That is not what...

173
00:06:13,429 --> 00:06:15,095
They get drunk,
they fight people.

174
00:06:15,097 --> 00:06:16,196
All right, I'm trying to give
these guys... Look, guys,

175
00:06:16,198 --> 00:06:17,564
don't pay attention to her.

176
00:06:17,566 --> 00:06:19,032
I-I want to give you
an authentic, um, uh,

177
00:06:19,034 --> 00:06:20,768
once-in-a-lifetime
experience here.

178
00:06:20,770 --> 00:06:23,003
Oh. Oh, wait, so is
this, like, a bang bus?

179
00:06:23,005 --> 00:06:25,105
No, no, no, no, no.
It's not a bang bus, okay?

180
00:06:25,107 --> 00:06:26,607
Look... Just get in the wagon,

181
00:06:26,609 --> 00:06:28,375
I'll give you a ride
to Center City.

182
00:06:28,377 --> 00:06:29,977
Get in.

183
00:06:33,449 --> 00:06:35,249
Gentlemen,

184
00:06:35,251 --> 00:06:37,451
let me walk you through how
our simple business works.

185
00:06:37,453 --> 00:06:38,952
God, take it easy,
Frank!

186
00:06:38,954 --> 00:06:41,221
Don't tell me
how to drive, you bitch.

187
00:06:41,223 --> 00:06:43,791
Let... Let's keep it light for
the customers, all right, Frank?

188
00:06:43,793 --> 00:06:46,193
As I was saying, fellas,
uh, what you're gonna

189
00:06:46,195 --> 00:06:47,561
need to do is you,
uh, you're gonna

190
00:06:47,563 --> 00:06:48,896
take a picture
of this QR code,

191
00:06:48,898 --> 00:06:50,464
you're gonna download the app,

192
00:06:50,466 --> 00:06:52,466
log in using Facebook,
and you're gonna watch

193
00:06:52,468 --> 00:06:54,568
a-a brief, 30-second
advertisement.

194
00:06:54,570 --> 00:06:56,870
And then once we receive
your online order,

195
00:06:56,872 --> 00:06:58,439
you will promptly
be served a beer.

196
00:06:58,441 --> 00:07:00,974
Can't I just pay you cash?
That's what I... Yeah.

197
00:07:00,976 --> 00:07:02,242
Well, no, cash is the way

198
00:07:02,244 --> 00:07:03,610
that antiquated
companies do business.

199
00:07:03,612 --> 00:07:05,045
Yeah, I just want a beer.
I don't really

200
00:07:05,047 --> 00:07:06,447
want you to have
all my personal information.

201
00:07:06,449 --> 00:07:07,781
"A beer.
Just want a beer.

202
00:07:07,783 --> 00:07:09,116
Don't want you
to have my..."

203
00:07:09,118 --> 00:07:10,651
(Dee and Dennis laugh)
Yeah.

204
00:07:10,653 --> 00:07:12,252
Look, man, um, if I
just gave you a beer

205
00:07:12,254 --> 00:07:13,654
and you just
gave me cash,

206
00:07:13,656 --> 00:07:15,122
then you wouldn't
be able to experience

207
00:07:15,124 --> 00:07:16,757
everything that we've
got to offer here, okay?

208
00:07:16,759 --> 00:07:19,293
Look, I'll show you. This...
Let me just pull up my...

209
00:07:19,295 --> 00:07:21,295
I got a little presentation
here that I put together.

210
00:07:21,297 --> 00:07:24,097
But, uh, can't get the goddamn
thing to... to go online.

211
00:07:24,099 --> 00:07:26,133
I don't have a signal here.
Goddamn it. You know what?

212
00:07:26,135 --> 00:07:28,435
Dee, uh, why don't you just
give 'em a couple free beers?

213
00:07:28,437 --> 00:07:29,937
We'll-we'll call
'em "freemiums."

214
00:07:29,939 --> 00:07:31,772
Don't know if you're
familiar with that term.

215
00:07:31,774 --> 00:07:34,675
This is like all foam.
Dee, you goddamn bitch!

216
00:07:34,677 --> 00:07:36,243
Hey! Oh, this thing's
bouncing around

217
00:07:36,245 --> 00:07:37,744
like a pinball.
Don't blame me.

218
00:07:37,746 --> 00:07:39,179
Keep it light,
you bitch!

219
00:07:39,181 --> 00:07:40,848
All right.
Yeah, this is weird.

220
00:07:40,850 --> 00:07:42,649
Can we just get out here?

221
00:07:42,651 --> 00:07:45,486
Hey, it's locked.
Can you guys let us out?

222
00:07:49,158 --> 00:07:51,158
Yeah, call the cops.
Why would you call the cops?
We're just hanging out, man!

223
00:07:51,160 --> 00:07:52,693
All right, stop,
stop, stop.

224
00:07:52,695 --> 00:07:54,495
All right, oh, oh, oh, oh,
oh, oh. Push "end." End.

225
00:07:54,497 --> 00:07:57,531
(phone chimes)
Give the phones
to the girl.

226
00:07:57,533 --> 00:07:59,800
Let's go, guys. I don't want
to have to do this shit.

227
00:07:59,802 --> 00:08:02,436
Frank, we got to
pivot the business.

228
00:08:02,438 --> 00:08:04,371
Mm-hmm.

229
00:08:04,373 --> 00:08:05,706
Come on, get the hell out.
Everybody out.

230
00:08:05,708 --> 00:08:07,341
Out, out, out, out,
out, out, out, out.

231
00:08:07,343 --> 00:08:09,209
All right.
(clears throat)

232
00:08:09,211 --> 00:08:10,978
Don't worry. We're gonna mail
your phones back to you, but

233
00:08:10,980 --> 00:08:13,547
we're gonna need your addresses,
so fork over your I.D.s.

234
00:08:13,549 --> 00:08:15,182
Let's go.
Come on.
And their money.

235
00:08:15,184 --> 00:08:16,617
We can't have 'em
cabbing it back to the city

236
00:08:16,619 --> 00:08:18,151
and going straight
to the cops.

237
00:08:18,153 --> 00:08:19,820
(sighs) Goddamn it.
That's a good point.

238
00:08:19,822 --> 00:08:21,622
Okay, you know what?
Dee, collect their wallets.

239
00:08:21,624 --> 00:08:22,890
Don't worry, guys.
We're not thieves.

240
00:08:22,892 --> 00:08:24,291
You'll get your
wallets back, too.

241
00:08:24,293 --> 00:08:26,660
Yeah.
Don't be babies.
All right, uh,

242
00:08:26,662 --> 00:08:28,061
come on, come on, guys,
let's go, let's go.

243
00:08:28,063 --> 00:08:29,630
Let's go.
Shut the doors.

244
00:08:35,404 --> 00:08:38,171
Did we just kidnap
and rob those guys?

245
00:08:38,173 --> 00:08:40,240
We just drove the
snakes out of Philly,

246
00:08:40,242 --> 00:08:41,842
the way St. Patrick did.

247
00:08:41,844 --> 00:08:43,410
Oh!

248
00:08:43,412 --> 00:08:44,645
So, what you're saying is,

249
00:08:44,647 --> 00:08:46,413
technically,
we gave those guys

250
00:08:46,415 --> 00:08:48,649
a very authentic
St. Paddy's Day experience.

251
00:08:48,651 --> 00:08:50,050
Oh.
Yeah.

252
00:08:50,052 --> 00:08:51,652
Nice.
In a way.

253
00:08:51,654 --> 00:08:53,153
Oh. All right.

254
00:08:53,155 --> 00:08:55,055
That's good.
That's good.
Yeah.

255
00:09:01,730 --> 00:09:04,064
Okay, okay, okay, okay. Here.

256
00:09:04,066 --> 00:09:06,767
Jesus Christ, where's Charlie?

257
00:09:06,769 --> 00:09:10,537
Hey, Mac, somebody
stole my damn wallet.
What?

258
00:09:10,539 --> 00:09:12,406
Beat it! Beat it, Mauricio!
I need to talk to Mac.

259
00:09:12,408 --> 00:09:13,874
Charlie, where have
you been, dude?

260
00:09:13,876 --> 00:09:15,609
I can't run the bar by myself
and do security.

261
00:09:15,611 --> 00:09:17,010
People are getting
their wallets stolen.

262
00:09:17,012 --> 00:09:18,512
Okay, uh, look, just come

263
00:09:18,514 --> 00:09:20,280
to the basement with me,
like, really quick.

264
00:09:20,282 --> 00:09:21,548
Goddamn it! All right.

265
00:09:21,550 --> 00:09:22,549
Attention, everybody.

266
00:09:22,551 --> 00:09:23,951
Irish honor system.

267
00:09:23,953 --> 00:09:25,852
Please serve yourselves.

268
00:09:25,854 --> 00:09:28,689
Put the money in the bucket.
Thank you.
(cheering)

269
00:09:28,691 --> 00:09:30,891
Uh, I don't think the Irish
honor system's a thing, man.

270
00:09:30,893 --> 00:09:32,059
Oh, it's a thing.

271
00:09:32,061 --> 00:09:32,926
It's an ancient
Irish tradition.

272
00:09:32,928 --> 00:09:34,227
Know your history, bro.

273
00:09:34,229 --> 00:09:35,495
What could possibly
be so important?

274
00:09:37,032 --> 00:09:39,566
Charlie...

275
00:09:39,568 --> 00:09:41,535
what the hell
am I looking at?

276
00:09:43,372 --> 00:09:44,972
I caught him.

277
00:09:44,974 --> 00:09:46,974
I caught that
son of a bitch.

278
00:09:46,976 --> 00:09:48,308
Dude, I think you've
kidnapped a little person.

279
00:09:48,310 --> 00:09:49,943
Huh?

280
00:09:49,945 --> 00:09:52,279
Nah... nah, nah.
First of all,

281
00:09:52,281 --> 00:09:53,880
I've captured
a leprechaun, okay?

282
00:09:53,882 --> 00:09:55,782
You wouldn't say,
"I kidnapped Bigfoot," right?

283
00:09:55,784 --> 00:09:57,484
You'd say,
"I captured Bigfoot."

284
00:09:57,486 --> 00:09:59,886
Well, that may be true,
but leprechauns aren't real.

285
00:09:59,888 --> 00:10:01,421
So what we're
dealing with here

286
00:10:01,423 --> 00:10:02,990
is a little person
in a glue trap.

287
00:10:02,992 --> 00:10:04,491
Yeah, I thought about that,
ruled it out, okay?

288
00:10:04,493 --> 00:10:05,993
'Cause the basement door
was locked, so unless

289
00:10:05,995 --> 00:10:07,661
he's a being
who's unrestrained by the laws

290
00:10:07,663 --> 00:10:09,630
of the physical world,
he's not getting down here, man.

291
00:10:09,632 --> 00:10:11,098
Dude, if he is
a human being,

292
00:10:11,100 --> 00:10:12,933
he is going to sue
the shit out of us.

293
00:10:12,935 --> 00:10:14,768
If he's a leprechaun,
he's got a pot of gold.

294
00:10:14,770 --> 00:10:15,969
Yeah...

295
00:10:15,971 --> 00:10:17,337
Well, yeah, that's...

296
00:10:17,339 --> 00:10:18,572
Well, let's not rule
one out over the other.

297
00:10:18,574 --> 00:10:19,973
I mean, it's very weird

298
00:10:19,975 --> 00:10:21,241
that he's
down here, right?

299
00:10:21,243 --> 00:10:22,843
Okay. Let's ask him.

300
00:10:22,845 --> 00:10:26,580
Uh, sir, I'm gonna ask
you a direct question.

301
00:10:26,582 --> 00:10:30,484
Are you now or have you
ever been a leprechaun?

302
00:10:30,486 --> 00:10:32,986
No, I'm not
a goddamn leprechaun!

303
00:10:32,988 --> 00:10:34,655
Please...
It was pretty
convincing.

304
00:10:34,657 --> 00:10:36,423
Are you kidding me?

305
00:10:36,425 --> 00:10:38,525
If he's a leprechaun, that's
what he has to say, right?

306
00:10:38,527 --> 00:10:41,862
Sir, why are you dressed
like a leprechaun?

307
00:10:41,864 --> 00:10:44,297
'Cause it's St. Paddy's Day,
you idiots!

308
00:10:44,299 --> 00:10:46,933
This guy's good.
He's good.
Yeah.

309
00:10:46,935 --> 00:10:48,135
Nasty little son of a bitch,
isn't he? You think?

310
00:10:48,137 --> 00:10:50,037
There's, like,
a real bite to him.

311
00:10:50,039 --> 00:10:52,105
I know. You know what
I think we should do?

312
00:10:52,107 --> 00:10:53,807
We just rough him
up a little bit.

313
00:10:53,809 --> 00:10:55,442
You know, just get the truth
out of him, just a little bit.

314
00:10:55,444 --> 00:10:57,544
It's a great idea.

315
00:10:57,546 --> 00:10:59,479
We don't want
to bruise him up.
Yeah.

316
00:10:59,481 --> 00:11:02,049
You know, so, I just
wish we had, like,
a hose or something.

317
00:11:02,051 --> 00:11:03,617
Yeah.
You know, we could blast
the truth out of him.

318
00:11:03,619 --> 00:11:05,552
Right?
That'd be good...

319
00:11:05,554 --> 00:11:08,055
Oh, shit.
There's a hose right here.

320
00:11:10,192 --> 00:11:13,126
I... I don't ever remember
a hose being down here, do you?

321
00:11:13,128 --> 00:11:14,961
No. I don't know.
Dude...

322
00:11:14,963 --> 00:11:16,530
do you realize
what just happened?

323
00:11:16,532 --> 00:11:19,166
You made a wish, which
the leprechaun clearly granted.

324
00:11:19,168 --> 00:11:20,400
You know, everyone knows,
you capture a leprechaun,

325
00:11:20,402 --> 00:11:22,169
you get three wishes, right?

326
00:11:22,171 --> 00:11:24,371
So we got to think
very carefully what
our next two are here.

327
00:11:24,373 --> 00:11:26,540
I wish I could
live forever?
What are you doing?

328
00:11:26,542 --> 00:11:28,241
I wish you don't.
How about that?
No, no! Why did you do that?

329
00:11:28,243 --> 00:11:29,409
Why did you do that?
Why didn't you say,

330
00:11:29,411 --> 00:11:31,311
"I wish I could live forever"?

331
00:11:31,313 --> 00:11:33,146
And live forever with you?
Well...

332
00:11:33,148 --> 00:11:34,748
Look, I'm not a leprechaun!

333
00:11:34,750 --> 00:11:36,883
Just let me out of here,
you dickheads!

334
00:11:36,885 --> 00:11:38,318
Ah. Wish there was a way

335
00:11:38,320 --> 00:11:39,720
we could just know
for sure, you know.

336
00:11:39,722 --> 00:11:41,822
Charlie?

337
00:11:41,824 --> 00:11:44,858
Get the snake.

338
00:11:44,860 --> 00:11:48,028
You know what the problem was,
Frank?

339
00:11:48,030 --> 00:11:51,098
That last group of belligerent
hooligans just didn't understand

340
00:11:51,100 --> 00:11:52,566
how to experience
our business properly,

341
00:11:52,568 --> 00:11:54,935
but I think this new group
is gonna get it.

342
00:11:54,937 --> 00:11:58,405
Plus, they're
physically weaker,

343
00:11:58,407 --> 00:12:00,407
in case anything
goes wrong.

344
00:12:00,409 --> 00:12:02,042
What's happening?

345
00:12:02,044 --> 00:12:04,077
(with Irish brogue):
I'll tell ya what's happenin'.

346
00:12:04,079 --> 00:12:06,079
One day you're young
and pretty,

347
00:12:06,081 --> 00:12:08,749
and the next, the years
of drinking and abuse

348
00:12:08,751 --> 00:12:10,884
have robbed you
of your youth.

349
00:12:10,886 --> 00:12:13,353
Abuse? Did these
guys hurt you?

350
00:12:13,355 --> 00:12:14,454
No!

351
00:12:14,456 --> 00:12:16,623
Me husband
did this to me.

352
00:12:16,625 --> 00:12:18,558
Arr!

353
00:12:18,560 --> 00:12:19,726
Dee...
Mm?

354
00:12:19,728 --> 00:12:21,061
What the hell
are you doing?

355
00:12:21,063 --> 00:12:22,462
What are you...?
What, are you a pirate?

356
00:12:22,464 --> 00:12:23,797
I can't tell if you're
doing a thing now,

357
00:12:23,799 --> 00:12:24,898
or if this is just
who you've become.

358
00:12:24,900 --> 00:12:25,966
(normal voice):
I'm giving them

359
00:12:25,968 --> 00:12:27,367
an authentic Irish experience,

360
00:12:27,369 --> 00:12:28,902
like you were begging for
before...

361
00:12:28,904 --> 00:12:30,470
You're giving them a
completely inauthentic,

362
00:12:30,472 --> 00:12:32,105
frightening experience,
and you're scaring them.

363
00:12:32,107 --> 00:12:34,241
Okay, listen, ladies,
nobody's gonna get hurt.

364
00:12:34,243 --> 00:12:35,475
Will you just let us out,
please?

365
00:12:35,477 --> 00:12:36,877
Well, no.

366
00:12:36,879 --> 00:12:38,278
No, I'm not
gonna let you out.

367
00:12:38,280 --> 00:12:39,746
I need you to
experience everything

368
00:12:39,748 --> 00:12:41,148
I-I have to offer,
okay, so you're...

369
00:12:41,150 --> 00:12:42,716
Rahr!
So, experience... Dee!

370
00:12:42,718 --> 00:12:44,551
Shut up!

371
00:12:44,553 --> 00:12:48,054
All right, look, we're gonna
have a good time here, okay?

372
00:12:48,056 --> 00:12:49,756
You're experiencing some
free beers right now

373
00:12:49,758 --> 00:12:51,458
because I can't get the
goddamn Internet to work.

374
00:12:51,460 --> 00:12:53,560
That's a problem for me.
Do you guys know how to use

375
00:12:53,562 --> 00:12:55,328
tablet computers?
You're young.
No.

376
00:12:55,330 --> 00:12:56,930
I just want to connect the
goddamn thing to the Internet.

377
00:12:56,932 --> 00:12:58,231
They told me it'd be easy.
It's not, though.

378
00:12:58,233 --> 00:13:00,000
Okay. Well, I'll
tell you what.

379
00:13:00,002 --> 00:13:02,335
I'll let you out after I take
a couple photographs of you.

380
00:13:02,337 --> 00:13:03,970
How's that sound? Yeah?
Take some photographs

381
00:13:03,972 --> 00:13:06,673
for my... for my Web site?
So, look happy.

382
00:13:06,675 --> 00:13:08,642
Look like you're having fun.
No need to cover those up.

383
00:13:08,644 --> 00:13:10,110
My customers like those.
They're like me.

384
00:13:10,112 --> 00:13:12,145
They're gonna
want to see that.

385
00:13:12,147 --> 00:13:13,647
Yeah, okay, so smiling,
smiling, and...

386
00:13:15,617 --> 00:13:16,950
You're not convincing me.
Smile!

387
00:13:16,952 --> 00:13:18,318
(sobbing)
Goddamn!

388
00:13:18,320 --> 00:13:19,753
This is not
supposed to be scary.

389
00:13:19,755 --> 00:13:21,822
This is supposed to be an
authentic, fun time for you.

390
00:13:21,824 --> 00:13:24,257
(camera shutter clicking,
women crying)
Yeah, all right, well,

391
00:13:24,259 --> 00:13:25,692
I need to buy it, okay?

392
00:13:25,694 --> 00:13:27,327
I'm...
Please let us out.

393
00:13:27,329 --> 00:13:29,362
I don't want to be on
your weird Web site.
Shh.

394
00:13:29,364 --> 00:13:31,264
Well, if you don't comply
with me, then you're
gonna end up

395
00:13:31,266 --> 00:13:33,433
on the weird one, okay?
So, smile.

396
00:13:33,435 --> 00:13:35,802
(crying)
Ugh! All right.

397
00:13:35,804 --> 00:13:37,037
You know what?
This isn't gonna work.

398
00:13:37,039 --> 00:13:38,805
All right, come on, come on.

399
00:13:38,807 --> 00:13:40,273
Let's go. Come on.

400
00:13:40,275 --> 00:13:42,442
All right, out you go, ladies.
Out you go.

401
00:13:42,444 --> 00:13:44,010
I know you didn't
threaten to call the cops,

402
00:13:44,012 --> 00:13:45,512
but you would have—
I'm certain of it—

403
00:13:45,514 --> 00:13:46,880
so I'm gonna need
your wallets and your phones.

404
00:13:46,882 --> 00:13:48,648
Give 'em to the girl.

405
00:13:48,650 --> 00:13:50,817
Oh, yeah, I'm probably gonna
pop on your Twitter accounts,

406
00:13:50,819 --> 00:13:53,353
just so you know. Write us some,
uh, enthusiastic reviews,

407
00:13:53,355 --> 00:13:54,788
which you would have done,
as well,

408
00:13:54,790 --> 00:13:56,189
had you experienced
our business properly,

409
00:13:56,191 --> 00:13:57,557
but you decided to be...

410
00:13:57,559 --> 00:13:59,693
(sighs)
All right, well...

411
00:14:04,199 --> 00:14:07,200
Talk, bitch!
I'm blasting you! Come on!
Talk! Come on, leprechaun!

412
00:14:07,202 --> 00:14:09,202
Come on, leprechaun,
admit it!
Where's the gold?

413
00:14:09,204 --> 00:14:11,071
Aw, what's the point, dude?
There's no water pressure.

414
00:14:11,073 --> 00:14:13,006
I feel like I'm
giving him a baby bath.
Yeah, I know.

415
00:14:13,008 --> 00:14:14,507
Snake's not
working either, man.

416
00:14:14,509 --> 00:14:16,343
Well, that's
because the snake is dead.

417
00:14:16,345 --> 00:14:18,078
Because you put it in a plastic
bag and it couldn't breathe.

418
00:14:18,080 --> 00:14:19,346
All right, doesn't matter.
He probably killed it

419
00:14:19,348 --> 00:14:21,381
with his leprechaun
magic, anyway.

420
00:14:21,383 --> 00:14:23,750
I'm not a leprechaun,
you goddamn assholes!

421
00:14:23,752 --> 00:14:25,752
Yeah, yeah, guy.
How are we gonna get
his pot of gold

422
00:14:25,754 --> 00:14:28,054
if he won't even admit to us
that he's a leprechaun?

423
00:14:28,056 --> 00:14:29,823
I mean, if this guy would
just admit he was a leprechaun,

424
00:14:29,825 --> 00:14:31,157
we could be done
with this whole mess.
Well, yeah.

425
00:14:31,159 --> 00:14:33,159
Of course.
Okay, fine, you got me.

426
00:14:33,161 --> 00:14:35,095
I'm a leprechaun.
I admit it.

427
00:14:35,097 --> 00:14:36,997
What?

428
00:14:36,999 --> 00:14:38,832
God... I am a... I'm a...

429
00:14:38,834 --> 00:14:41,501
damn... a... I'm a leprechaun.

430
00:14:41,503 --> 00:14:43,536
Yeah, right, but you
don't have the accent,
That's...

431
00:14:43,538 --> 00:14:45,772
and that's throwing
me off, right?
It's throwing me off.

432
00:14:45,774 --> 00:14:49,209
(Irish brogue):
I live in a faraway land,

433
00:14:49,211 --> 00:14:54,547
and I was transported here
by a giant magical rainbow.

434
00:14:54,549 --> 00:14:57,517
And you never got me
Lucky Charms.

435
00:14:57,519 --> 00:14:59,920
(laughing):
Oh!
That's it! That's it!

436
00:14:59,922 --> 00:15:03,123
You were right! Dude!
You caught a leprechaun!
I told you, man! I knew it!

437
00:15:03,125 --> 00:15:04,791
Hey, can you let me go now?

438
00:15:04,793 --> 00:15:06,393
No, you can't go. You know...
No. No.

439
00:15:06,395 --> 00:15:08,261
we need your pot of gold.
Where is it?
Yeah.

440
00:15:08,263 --> 00:15:11,932
It's at the bottom
of the rainbow.

441
00:15:11,934 --> 00:15:14,267
Hmm.
Must be some sort
of leprechaun riddle,

442
00:15:14,269 --> 00:15:16,269
'cause there's no
rainbows out today.

443
00:15:16,271 --> 00:15:19,806
No, dude... I don't think
this guy's talking in metaphors.

444
00:15:19,808 --> 00:15:22,309
I think he means
exactly what he's saying.
Yeah?

445
00:15:22,311 --> 00:15:23,977
Dude, he's talking
about that gay bar

446
00:15:23,979 --> 00:15:25,745
down on Locust Street—
the Rainbow.

447
00:15:25,747 --> 00:15:27,314
You know which one
I'm talking about, right?
No.

448
00:15:27,316 --> 00:15:29,149
Right. I'm gonna go
check it out, alone.

449
00:15:29,151 --> 00:15:30,450
Why?

450
00:15:30,452 --> 00:15:31,785
Well, because you'll be here.

451
00:15:31,787 --> 00:15:33,386
And if, uh,
the gang comes back,

452
00:15:33,388 --> 00:15:36,456
they'll also be here,
and I'll be there, alone.

453
00:15:36,458 --> 00:15:37,457
Right.

454
00:15:37,459 --> 00:15:39,326
But you'll be here.

455
00:15:39,328 --> 00:15:40,327
Great.
Great.

456
00:15:40,329 --> 00:15:42,462
All right, you go do that,
Okay. Yeah.

457
00:15:42,464 --> 00:15:44,230
and, uh, remember, you're there
to look for a pot of gold.

458
00:15:44,232 --> 00:15:46,266
Okay. Alone.

459
00:15:46,268 --> 00:15:47,600
Yeah. You'll be there, alone.

460
00:15:47,602 --> 00:15:49,502
Okay!
Got it.

461
00:15:49,504 --> 00:15:53,340
All right, well, that
just leaves you and me, and, uh,

462
00:15:53,342 --> 00:15:56,609
we both know there's no pot
of gold at that gay bar.

463
00:15:56,611 --> 00:15:58,979
So the question is...

464
00:15:58,981 --> 00:16:03,183
what to do with the little liar.

465
00:16:08,857 --> 00:16:11,091
We haven't made
a goddamn penny today.

466
00:16:11,093 --> 00:16:12,993
We actually lost money,

467
00:16:12,995 --> 00:16:15,495
with all the gas we burned
going back and forth.

468
00:16:15,497 --> 00:16:17,497
Yeah, well, it's not my fault.
The business model's flawless.

469
00:16:17,499 --> 00:16:19,265
If you knew how to drive
and you knew how to serve

470
00:16:19,267 --> 00:16:21,601
a goddamn beer, we wouldn't
be in this mess.

471
00:16:21,603 --> 00:16:23,970
(sighs)
Hmm.

472
00:16:23,972 --> 00:16:26,373
All right.
(grunts)
Mmm.

473
00:16:26,375 --> 00:16:29,376
Okay, everybody out.
Get out. Let's go. Come on.

474
00:16:29,378 --> 00:16:31,611
Go, go, go, go, go. You guys
are in the wrong demographic.

475
00:16:31,613 --> 00:16:32,946
Where have you taken us?

476
00:16:32,948 --> 00:16:35,348
Right. Yeah, I guess, uh,

477
00:16:35,350 --> 00:16:38,318
we got so used to our routine of
picking people up and dropping

478
00:16:38,320 --> 00:16:40,487
'em off outside of town
that we never even tried

479
00:16:40,489 --> 00:16:43,623
to sell you people beer,
did we? (laughs)
They're too old, anyway.

480
00:16:43,625 --> 00:16:45,658
Who's gonna watch
'em on a Web site?
That's true.

481
00:16:45,660 --> 00:16:48,061
Yeah, you guys are
a little too old for our, uh...
(woman shrieks)

482
00:16:48,063 --> 00:16:51,431
So...
Wallets and phones.
You know the drill.

483
00:16:54,336 --> 00:16:56,536
I don't know why we don't
just do the car service thing.

484
00:16:56,538 --> 00:16:59,305
People seem to be really needing
rides all over the town.

485
00:16:59,307 --> 00:17:02,008
No, you know,
that idea may work.
You think so?

486
00:17:02,010 --> 00:17:04,044
Thank you.
You're welcome.

487
00:17:04,046 --> 00:17:07,047
Oh. B-But before we
pivot to that one,

488
00:17:07,049 --> 00:17:09,382
um, Deandra,
you mind, uh, jumpin' out

489
00:17:09,384 --> 00:17:12,052
to see about the gas cap?
I think I left it off.

490
00:17:12,054 --> 00:17:14,087
Yeah.
(tires screeching)
Oop.

491
00:17:18,326 --> 00:17:20,427
Oh! Hey!

492
00:17:20,429 --> 00:17:22,495
Oh, goddamn!

493
00:17:22,497 --> 00:17:24,330
Goddamn it...!

494
00:17:26,334 --> 00:17:29,436
What you did there, Frank,
that was... very funny.
Yeah. That bitch

495
00:17:29,438 --> 00:17:31,504
was dragging us down.
Yeah.

496
00:17:31,506 --> 00:17:33,339
She was
driving me crazy, man.
Oh.

497
00:17:33,341 --> 00:17:35,909
Oh... shit.
What?

498
00:17:35,911 --> 00:17:37,377
She didn't put
the gas cap on.

499
00:17:37,379 --> 00:17:40,080
Oh, is it open for real?
Big-time.

500
00:17:40,082 --> 00:17:41,514
Oh, shit. Yeah, let me
grab that real quick.

501
00:17:41,516 --> 00:17:43,316
I got it.
(grunts)

502
00:17:45,220 --> 00:17:46,719
No, no, no, no, n...
Aw, goddamn!

503
00:18:07,309 --> 00:18:09,275
I can't believe Uber
jacks up their prices
just because it's a holiday.

504
00:18:09,277 --> 00:18:10,877
That's unbelie... It's a scam.

505
00:18:10,879 --> 00:18:12,378
We should have been doing
that the entire time.

506
00:18:12,380 --> 00:18:14,447
Are you kidding me?
That was my whole idea.

507
00:18:14,449 --> 00:18:16,449
Dee, stop trying to take
credit for everything. Wait,

508
00:18:16,451 --> 00:18:17,884
what is going on in here?
Weren't Mac and Charlie

509
00:18:17,886 --> 00:18:20,286
taking care of the bar?
Yeah, they were.

510
00:18:20,288 --> 00:18:23,056
Why is the bar empty?
It ain't empty.

511
00:18:23,058 --> 00:18:26,292
What are you doing back here,
you piece of shit?

512
00:18:26,294 --> 00:18:29,095
It's a long story.
The business hit a wall,

513
00:18:29,097 --> 00:18:32,165
went up in smoke,
and then went under.

514
00:18:32,167 --> 00:18:34,067
Why are you speaking
in metaphors?

515
00:18:34,069 --> 00:18:35,935
It ain't a metaphor.
I fell asleep,

516
00:18:35,937 --> 00:18:39,405
crashed into a wall,
the engine burst into flames,

517
00:18:39,407 --> 00:18:41,407
and I had to drive it
into a river.
Right.

518
00:18:43,411 --> 00:18:45,011
What the hell is that?

519
00:18:57,325 --> 00:19:00,326
Well, you may be a man.

520
00:19:00,328 --> 00:19:02,162
You may be a leprechaun.

521
00:19:02,164 --> 00:19:04,764
But only one thing's
for sure:

522
00:19:04,766 --> 00:19:06,299
you're in the wrong basement.

523
00:19:06,301 --> 00:19:08,134
(muffled):
Goddamn it! No!

524
00:19:08,136 --> 00:19:11,504
I'm gonna see if
you bleed green.
No! No! No, no, no!

525
00:19:11,506 --> 00:19:13,773
Whoa, whoa, whoa, Charlie,
Charlie, what the hell is...
Whoa, whoa. Hey!

526
00:19:13,775 --> 00:19:15,608
What are you doing?

527
00:19:15,610 --> 00:19:18,111
(music stops)
What does it look
like I'm doing?

528
00:19:18,113 --> 00:19:19,846
It looks like you've tied
a little person to a chair

529
00:19:19,848 --> 00:19:21,648
and you're gonna torture him.

530
00:19:21,650 --> 00:19:24,050
(chuckles) No, I've tied
a leprechaun to a chair,

531
00:19:24,052 --> 00:19:27,053
and, uh, yeah,
I was gonna cut him to pieces.

532
00:19:27,055 --> 00:19:29,656
Charlie...

533
00:19:29,658 --> 00:19:30,990
you been drinking
straight paint?

534
00:19:30,992 --> 00:19:32,325
Yeah.

535
00:19:32,327 --> 00:19:33,560
Charlie, he's
not a leprechaun!

536
00:19:33,562 --> 00:19:35,028
Do not hurt him!
I repeat:

537
00:19:35,030 --> 00:19:37,363
he is not a leprechaun!
Oh, hey.

538
00:19:37,365 --> 00:19:39,899
What is this?
Why are you covered in glitter?

539
00:19:39,901 --> 00:19:41,401
I would love to answer
all of your questions,

540
00:19:41,403 --> 00:19:43,236
but there is no time.

541
00:19:43,238 --> 00:19:45,672
You see, I went to the Rainbow
to look for a pot of gold.

542
00:19:45,674 --> 00:19:46,806
The gay bar?
Oh.

543
00:19:46,808 --> 00:19:48,208
Again, no questions.

544
00:19:48,210 --> 00:19:49,642
And when I got back,

545
00:19:49,644 --> 00:19:52,645
I found this bag...
full of wallets,

546
00:19:52,647 --> 00:19:54,380
hidden where we keep
the towels.

547
00:19:54,382 --> 00:19:55,481
Why did you need towels?

548
00:19:55,483 --> 00:19:57,483
Not answering questions, okay?

549
00:19:57,485 --> 00:20:01,154
Because apparently this son
of a bitch is a pickpocket.

550
00:20:01,156 --> 00:20:03,022
That's why he's been
lurking around Paddy's.

551
00:20:03,024 --> 00:20:05,858
Oh! Well, that makes a lot
of sense, 'cause he kept saying,

552
00:20:05,860 --> 00:20:08,061
like, "I'm a pickpocket. I'm
a pickpocket. Stop hurting me.

553
00:20:08,063 --> 00:20:09,729
I'm not a leprechaun." And
I just thought that was, like,

554
00:20:09,731 --> 00:20:12,498
a metaphor for, you know,
"I-I am a leprechaun."

555
00:20:12,500 --> 00:20:14,100
This little son of a bitch
has been picking pockets

556
00:20:14,102 --> 00:20:15,602
at our bar
every St. Paddy's Day

557
00:20:15,604 --> 00:20:17,170
for years.
Well, we got a whole bag

558
00:20:17,172 --> 00:20:19,606
full of wallets
and phones, too.

559
00:20:19,608 --> 00:20:22,442
You did? That's good. Because
the bar did not do so great.
Yeah.

560
00:20:22,444 --> 00:20:24,877
Turns out the Irish honor
system, that's not a thing.

561
00:20:24,879 --> 00:20:26,346
Yeah, we were gonna
actually return the wallets

562
00:20:26,348 --> 00:20:27,580
that we got, but, uh,
Yeah.

563
00:20:27,582 --> 00:20:29,048
since no one
seems to be...

564
00:20:29,050 --> 00:20:30,516
being honorable, uh,
maybe we keep our wallets

565
00:20:30,518 --> 00:20:32,118
and those
and, you know,
Yeah.

566
00:20:32,120 --> 00:20:34,754
chalk it up as a win. Yeah.
Oh, the luck of the Irish.

567
00:20:34,756 --> 00:20:36,956
(chuckling)
Let's not make it
a tradition, though.

568
00:20:36,958 --> 00:20:38,958
Sure.
Yeah, probably better
not to.

569
00:20:38,960 --> 00:20:42,929
All right, well, what do we do
with this piece of shit?

570
00:20:59,981 --> 00:21:03,716
Oh, shit, that leprechaun
just flew up a rainbow!

571
00:21:03,718 --> 00:21:06,286
Stop drinking paint,
Charlie.

572
00:21:06,288 --> 00:21:08,354
Huh.

573
00:21:45,927 --> 00:21:47,360
Brown.

574
00:21:47,362 --> 00:21:49,395
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH

575
00:22:07,382 --> 00:22:10,783
Man Seeking Woman.
All new, Wednesdays at 10:30.

576
00:22:10,785 --> 00:22:12,218
On FXX.

577
00:22:24,199 --> 00:22:26,099
It's a kitty cat.

578
00:22:29,003 --> 00:22:31,871
Baskets. All new,
Thursdays at 10:00.

579
00:22:31,873 --> 00:22:33,272
Only on FX.

580
00:22:36,678 --> 00:22:39,512
An FX original series.
(camera shutters clicking)

581
00:22:39,514 --> 00:22:41,814
The People v. O.J. Simpson.
(siren wailing)

582
00:22:41,816 --> 00:22:44,317
All new,
Tuesdays at 10:00 on FX.

583
00:22:45,587 --> 00:22:47,153
This spring—

584
00:22:47,155 --> 00:22:49,722
How awesome is it
to be back doing
what we're best at?

585
00:22:51,526 --> 00:22:53,192
Archer!

586
00:22:53,194 --> 00:22:55,261
- Aaah!
- Mmm.

587
00:22:55,263 --> 00:22:57,063
Why the hell
are you naked?

588
00:22:57,065 --> 00:22:59,999
It's after Labor Day.

589
00:23:00,001 --> 00:23:01,834
Mr. Archer? Mr. Archer.

590
00:23:01,836 --> 00:23:04,170
Boop. Sorry.
Had to take that.

591
00:23:04,172 --> 00:23:05,705
Archer.

592
00:23:05,707 --> 00:23:08,341
Why does a divorce lawyer
have grenades?

593
00:23:08,343 --> 00:23:10,843
'Cause they're
terrible people.
Whoo-hoo!

594
00:23:10,845 --> 00:23:13,880
The all new season
starts Thursday, March 31.

595
00:23:13,882 --> 00:23:15,415
Only on FX.