1 00:00:20,548 --> 00:00:22,329 What if we let off some fireworks in here, huh? 2 00:00:22,363 --> 00:00:23,764 Fireworks in the bar? 3 00:00:23,798 --> 00:00:24,832 It's never been done before. Right? 4 00:00:24,865 --> 00:00:26,367 That could be kind of good, right? 5 00:00:26,400 --> 00:00:28,402 You'll burn the place to the ground. 6 00:00:28,436 --> 00:00:29,837 But Charlie is right, though. Like, we have to have 7 00:00:29,870 --> 00:00:31,472 - some kind of flair for this business meeting. - Yeah. 8 00:00:31,505 --> 00:00:32,940 This guy's a huge potential investor. 9 00:00:32,973 --> 00:00:34,542 He could give Paddy's tons of money. 10 00:00:34,575 --> 00:00:36,377 I know, we need pageantry. We need, uh... 11 00:00:36,410 --> 00:00:37,411 Oh, dude, I just thought of something. 12 00:00:37,445 --> 00:00:39,280 What if it's not a guy? What if it's a woman? 13 00:00:39,313 --> 00:00:41,382 If-if it's a woman, I got flowers prepped for her. 14 00:00:41,415 --> 00:00:42,917 - Okay. - Oh. 15 00:00:42,950 --> 00:00:46,520 And if it's a guy, I got a football ready for him. 16 00:00:46,554 --> 00:00:47,922 - Nice. Okay, that's good. - No, well... no. 17 00:00:47,955 --> 00:00:50,324 Hold on. What if it's a guy who hates football 18 00:00:50,358 --> 00:00:52,326 - but loves flowers? - Right, right, right. 19 00:00:52,360 --> 00:00:55,062 - Or a woman who loves football but hates flowers? - Hates flowers. 20 00:00:55,104 --> 00:00:57,798 Or a woman who was assigned male gender at birth 21 00:00:57,832 --> 00:01:00,434 - but has retained her traditional love of the game? - Yes. 22 00:01:00,468 --> 00:01:02,470 Which she has the right to do. 23 00:01:02,503 --> 00:01:04,705 - That is her right... - Of course, it's 2021... - That's fine. Yeah. 24 00:01:04,739 --> 00:01:06,941 Here's the bottom line, you guys: it's 2021, 25 00:01:06,974 --> 00:01:09,210 all bets are off, okay? 26 00:01:09,243 --> 00:01:10,845 Uh, the chances of this person walking in... 27 00:01:10,878 --> 00:01:13,848 and being your typical vanilla white guy are slim to none. 28 00:01:13,881 --> 00:01:16,550 Hi. Sorry to interrupt. Uh, my-my name's Gary. 29 00:01:16,584 --> 00:01:18,652 I'm here to speak to the owners of Paddy's Pub. 30 00:01:18,686 --> 00:01:20,821 - Uh... Oh. - Oh, thank sweet Jesus. 31 00:01:20,855 --> 00:01:22,890 - All right! - Gary. - This is a relief. 32 00:01:22,923 --> 00:01:24,325 Gary. 33 00:01:24,358 --> 00:01:25,659 It is so good to see you. 34 00:01:25,693 --> 00:01:27,528 This I can wrap my head around. 35 00:01:27,561 --> 00:01:29,330 Uh, Gary, we're gonna set up over here. 36 00:01:29,363 --> 00:01:30,664 - All right. Yeah. - We'll take care of you. 37 00:01:30,698 --> 00:01:32,566 We got together, we got you a little gift here, 38 00:01:32,600 --> 00:01:35,636 a token of our appreciation, and, uh... from the pub. 39 00:01:35,669 --> 00:01:38,172 - Yeah, that's from us to you, so... - Yeah, from us to you. Uh... 40 00:01:41,702 --> 00:01:43,577 Oh, uh, thank you. 41 00:01:43,611 --> 00:01:46,414 All right. That's a relief. 42 00:01:46,447 --> 00:01:48,616 All right, well, now that we all know that we see eye to eye, 43 00:01:48,649 --> 00:01:51,352 let's talk about you giving us that PPP loan, huh? 44 00:01:51,385 --> 00:01:53,654 Oh, I'm so sorry. Uh, there must be some confusion. 45 00:01:53,688 --> 00:01:55,856 I'm not here to hand out PPP loans. 46 00:01:55,890 --> 00:01:58,526 I'm here to collect on ones you already have. 47 00:01:58,559 --> 00:02:01,395 Um, in fact, as I believe, it's three separate loans, 48 00:02:01,429 --> 00:02:03,764 so I'll just need to know, uh, what you did with the money 49 00:02:03,798 --> 00:02:06,934 and what the business has been up to for the past year. 50 00:02:09,437 --> 00:02:11,405 - Uh-huh. - Yep. - Oh. 51 00:02:34,337 --> 00:02:38,332 Gary, we saw 2020 as a year to, um, well, I don't know, 52 00:02:38,366 --> 00:02:40,468 capitalize on our many various interests. 53 00:02:40,501 --> 00:02:41,869 - Yeah, we got a lot of 'em, you know? - Hey, when the world 54 00:02:41,902 --> 00:02:44,372 - says slow, we say go. - That's right. 55 00:02:44,405 --> 00:02:46,398 - Or strike. Or attack. - Yeah, yeah. Well, see, normally, 56 00:02:46,433 --> 00:02:48,309 we're running a thriving bar here, you know what I mean? 57 00:02:48,342 --> 00:02:49,543 - Oh, yeah. - Yeah. But, uh, COVID forced us 58 00:02:49,577 --> 00:02:51,812 to close our doors to the community, so... 59 00:02:51,846 --> 00:02:53,514 - Yeah. - What were we gonna do? - We had to branch out. 60 00:02:53,547 --> 00:02:55,649 - That's what we did. - So why don't we just, uh, 61 00:02:55,683 --> 00:02:58,753 talk about the first loan, which is "Punch Incorporated"? 62 00:02:58,786 --> 00:03:00,888 - Yeah. - Oh, yeah. That was, uh, that was Mac and I. 63 00:03:00,921 --> 00:03:02,957 - So why don't we, uh...? Okay. - Yeah. 64 00:03:03,330 --> 00:03:04,692 That's a cool name, isn't it? 65 00:03:04,725 --> 00:03:06,494 - It's a very, uh, aggressive name. - It's very cool. 66 00:03:06,527 --> 00:03:09,964 As an out-of-work bouncer, I was looking to pursue 67 00:03:09,997 --> 00:03:12,767 my other interests that would be as intellectually stimulating 68 00:03:12,800 --> 00:03:15,469 as choking out a jabroni and leaving him out in the street. 69 00:03:15,503 --> 00:03:17,838 Like my longtime dream of becoming 70 00:03:17,872 --> 00:03:20,541 an international country teen pop sensation. 71 00:03:37,858 --> 00:03:39,694 Hold-hold on a second, wh... All right, man, look, 72 00:03:39,727 --> 00:03:41,896 the-the music is starting to come together. 73 00:03:41,929 --> 00:03:43,864 I-I like the music, but I'm-I'm struggling with the lyrics. 74 00:03:43,898 --> 00:03:46,634 - What's wrong with the lyrics? - It's the fly thing. 75 00:03:46,667 --> 00:03:48,436 Well, horses have flies. That makes sense. 76 00:03:48,469 --> 00:03:50,971 Yeah, but the lyric is, "Let me be your guy, 77 00:03:51,005 --> 00:03:52,907 never mind them flies." 78 00:03:52,940 --> 00:03:54,442 It feels like I'm asking her to forget the flies 79 00:03:54,475 --> 00:03:57,278 that are surrounding me, not the horse. 80 00:04:00,014 --> 00:04:02,183 - Th-Thighs? Where... What? Why thighs? - Yeah. Yeah. 81 00:04:02,216 --> 00:04:04,485 - Whose thighs? - Yeah, well, maybe he's got thick, grotesque thighs 82 00:04:04,518 --> 00:04:05,953 - and he's embarrassed about 'em. - Look... 83 00:04:06,940 --> 00:04:08,456 There's a bigger problem, man. Can I be honest with you? 84 00:04:08,489 --> 00:04:11,359 I'm having trouble concentrating on any of this stuff, 85 00:04:11,392 --> 00:04:13,361 - because I can't stop thinking about the election. - The election. 86 00:04:13,394 --> 00:04:15,363 - The election. Yes. Oh, my God. - Yes. Ah... 87 00:04:15,396 --> 00:04:17,231 Yes. I-I was, like, right there with you. 88 00:04:17,264 --> 00:04:19,934 I-I can't focus on any of our... 89 00:04:19,967 --> 00:04:22,336 - The integrity of the election, right? Because I-I... - Yes. Yes. 90 00:04:22,370 --> 00:04:23,704 - Our democracy is at stake. - Yeah. 91 00:04:23,738 --> 00:04:25,272 I feel like things aren't going well with the election 92 00:04:25,306 --> 00:04:27,341 - and-and we need to get involved. - Mm-hmm. 93 00:04:27,375 --> 00:04:28,409 You know, we were concerned that our guy 94 00:04:28,442 --> 00:04:30,544 wasn't gonna get a fair shot in the election. 95 00:04:30,578 --> 00:04:32,302 Of course not, because he's an outsider 96 00:04:32,337 --> 00:04:34,415 that brings a fresh perspective to Washington. Right? 97 00:04:34,448 --> 00:04:35,683 - Right. - I mean, we... 98 00:04:35,716 --> 00:04:37,685 Not everybody likes him, but that's why we do. 99 00:04:37,718 --> 00:04:39,487 Yeah, and we were really worried that the mainstream media 100 00:04:39,520 --> 00:04:41,455 just wasn't taking him seriously. 101 00:04:41,489 --> 00:04:42,923 It's like, do I want a bunch of eggheads 102 00:04:42,957 --> 00:04:44,592 who spend all day learning about shit 103 00:04:44,625 --> 00:04:46,761 influencing how I think about things? No. 104 00:04:46,794 --> 00:04:49,230 No, no. Plus, you want a guy who's lived a little, right? 105 00:04:49,263 --> 00:04:50,831 You want a guy who knows how to party. 106 00:04:50,865 --> 00:04:53,567 And our guy knows how to party. Right? 107 00:04:53,601 --> 00:04:56,237 - Yeah. - Our guy parties. 108 00:04:56,270 --> 00:04:58,212 Anyway, it was obvious that the integrity 109 00:04:58,247 --> 00:04:59,807 of the election was at stake here. 110 00:04:59,840 --> 00:05:01,542 So that's why we wanted to make sure 111 00:05:01,575 --> 00:05:03,377 that things went smoothly at the polling place. 112 00:05:03,411 --> 00:05:05,546 - Right. - Hence, we created Punch Incorporated. 113 00:05:05,579 --> 00:05:08,516 So, we used the loan to buy tactical gear. 114 00:05:09,079 --> 00:05:11,485 Oh. Look at this one, with the New York hat. 115 00:05:11,519 --> 00:05:13,548 She got bussed in from that liberal hellscape? 116 00:05:13,583 --> 00:05:14,655 All right, let's go find out. 117 00:05:14,689 --> 00:05:15,790 - Let's talk to her. Excuse me, ma'am? - Ma'am? 118 00:05:15,823 --> 00:05:17,425 - Ma'am, yes. Hi. - Ma'am. 119 00:05:17,458 --> 00:05:18,826 - Ma'am. - Are you, uh, registered to vote here? 120 00:05:18,859 --> 00:05:19,960 - Ma'am? - Are you from Philly? 121 00:05:19,994 --> 00:05:21,595 - Huh? - Yeah, and we don't want to see 122 00:05:21,629 --> 00:05:22,797 - any of that bogus fake I.D. bullshit. - Yeah. 123 00:05:22,830 --> 00:05:25,232 We're gonna ask you a series of Philly-related questions 124 00:05:25,266 --> 00:05:26,300 - in no particular order. - Mm-hmm. 125 00:05:26,333 --> 00:05:27,935 Why do we hate Chris Chelios? 126 00:05:27,968 --> 00:05:30,471 Who is Uncle Eddie Savitz? 127 00:05:30,504 --> 00:05:34,091 Who is a better athlete, Donovan McNabb or Rocky Balboa? 128 00:05:34,126 --> 00:05:35,509 - Where is...? - Hey... Whoa. Well, hold on a second. 129 00:05:35,543 --> 00:05:38,446 I mean, that's too easy. McNabb, obviously. 130 00:05:38,479 --> 00:05:40,348 - I... - Well, I don't think it's that obvious. 131 00:05:40,381 --> 00:05:41,816 I mean, do you think Donovan McNabb 132 00:05:41,849 --> 00:05:44,418 could go toe-to-toe with Ivan Drago for 15 rounds? 133 00:05:44,452 --> 00:05:46,420 Uh, no, what I'm saying is that Rocky Balboa 134 00:05:46,454 --> 00:05:48,646 is a fictional character, so this isn't even a conversation. 135 00:05:48,681 --> 00:05:51,295 Are you... Are you saying you want Sly Stallone 136 00:05:51,330 --> 00:05:52,860 to be the starting QB for the Eagles next season? 137 00:05:52,893 --> 00:05:54,628 - How do you think that's gonna go? - Well, what year is it? 138 00:05:54,662 --> 00:05:57,565 Is it early 1980s? 'Cause the NFC East was not strong, 139 00:05:57,598 --> 00:05:59,700 and I say that Sly takes us to the playoffs. 140 00:05:59,734 --> 00:06:01,435 Sly Stallone is just a meatball actor. 141 00:06:01,469 --> 00:06:02,570 Then why do we make statues to him? 142 00:06:02,603 --> 00:06:03,637 We don't... Okay, hold on a sec. 143 00:06:03,671 --> 00:06:05,639 Wait, just... You're crazy. 144 00:06:05,673 --> 00:06:08,609 Okay, the guy is five-foot-nine, okay, to start with... 145 00:06:08,642 --> 00:06:09,844 And by the way, that's a celebrity listing. 146 00:06:09,877 --> 00:06:11,645 He's probably closer to five-foot-four. 147 00:06:11,679 --> 00:06:13,514 So was Doug Flutie. You saying he's an actor? 148 00:06:13,547 --> 00:06:14,682 - No, I'm say... - He's one of the greatest 149 00:06:14,715 --> 00:06:16,817 football players that Canada ever produced. 150 00:06:16,851 --> 00:06:18,819 So-so, I'm sorry, now you're comparing McNabb 151 00:06:18,853 --> 00:06:20,521 to a teeny-tiny little man 152 00:06:20,554 --> 00:06:22,556 who's, uh, named after a woodwind instrument? 153 00:06:22,590 --> 00:06:23,858 - What are we even talking about, man? - Hey, what's up, Brian? 154 00:06:23,891 --> 00:06:25,493 - Good to see you again. - Brian. 155 00:06:25,526 --> 00:06:27,795 What's going on? Y-You want us to, um... 156 00:06:27,828 --> 00:06:29,230 You want us back at the hundred feet? 157 00:06:29,263 --> 00:06:30,598 He wants us back at the hundred feet. 158 00:06:30,631 --> 00:06:31,632 We're gonna be less effective back there, but... 159 00:06:31,665 --> 00:06:34,201 The problem is, back there, we can't... 160 00:06:34,235 --> 00:06:35,803 - we can't keep a... Yeah. - Okay. All right. 161 00:06:35,836 --> 00:06:37,238 - We'll go back to the hundred. - Let's-let's... We're gonna... 162 00:06:37,271 --> 00:06:39,407 Hey, you want to go... grab you a coffee? 163 00:06:39,440 --> 00:06:40,708 - We got... We'll grab him a coffee. - We'll grab you a coffee, 164 00:06:40,741 --> 00:06:42,676 - and then we'll be back, but... - Thanks for keeping things safe. 165 00:06:42,710 --> 00:06:43,711 - We'll stay a little bit further away. - We'll keep things safe. 166 00:06:43,744 --> 00:06:45,279 Suffice to say, our arguing 167 00:06:45,312 --> 00:06:46,914 did not help the situation. 168 00:06:46,947 --> 00:06:48,949 Yeah, it turns out they had their own security there 169 00:06:48,983 --> 00:06:51,385 to keep things safe, and they just kicked us right out. 170 00:06:51,419 --> 00:06:52,853 Anyway, the point is, 171 00:06:52,887 --> 00:06:54,822 the country was in turmoil, okay? Tensions were high, 172 00:06:54,855 --> 00:06:58,693 so Mac and I decided to pivot to a less controversial approach. 173 00:06:58,726 --> 00:07:00,258 Yeah, we went with gaining exposure 174 00:07:00,358 --> 00:07:01,796 for our budding musical interests 175 00:07:01,829 --> 00:07:04,298 as well as providing people with an opportunity 176 00:07:04,331 --> 00:07:06,634 - to vote on another pressing matter. - Mm-hmm. 177 00:07:31,759 --> 00:07:32,927 Pop your votes 178 00:07:32,960 --> 00:07:34,628 right in that box there, folks. 179 00:07:34,662 --> 00:07:36,564 - If you want them votes to count. - That's right. 180 00:07:36,597 --> 00:07:39,266 Now, uh, let's, uh, let's take it one more time from the top 181 00:07:39,300 --> 00:07:40,601 before Brian Security gets here. 182 00:07:40,634 --> 00:07:42,503 - Yep. Let's do it. Here we go. - Yep. 183 00:07:42,536 --> 00:07:44,805 Now, the labeling... in hindsight, 184 00:07:44,839 --> 00:07:47,708 was a-a bit obtuse and created a-a great deal of confusion. 185 00:07:47,742 --> 00:07:49,777 It kind of backed up the whole system. 186 00:07:49,810 --> 00:07:51,278 Right. Yeah, there was a whole kerfuffle... 187 00:07:51,312 --> 00:07:52,680 I don't know if you remember this... 188 00:07:52,713 --> 00:07:54,396 about, like, what votes were supposed to be counted 189 00:07:54,431 --> 00:07:55,850 and what votes aren't gonna be counted. 190 00:07:55,883 --> 00:07:58,211 And are these legitimate votes, are these not legitimate votes? 191 00:07:58,246 --> 00:07:59,119 What's this, what's that? 192 00:07:59,154 --> 00:08:00,755 I mean, we put our boxes all over the damn place. 193 00:08:00,788 --> 00:08:03,457 So, you know, we created a mess. 194 00:08:03,491 --> 00:08:04,625 I'm sorry, let me, let me try to get this straight. 195 00:08:04,658 --> 00:08:06,927 So you're saying that you might be partially responsible 196 00:08:06,961 --> 00:08:09,930 for the voting count delays in the presidential election? 197 00:08:09,964 --> 00:08:13,367 Uh, no, no, I'm saying we might have been entirely responsible, 198 00:08:13,401 --> 00:08:15,870 uh, for the vote delays, but wha-what I'm also saying is that 199 00:08:15,903 --> 00:08:18,706 we were two American businessmen who took out a legitimate loan 200 00:08:18,739 --> 00:08:20,241 for a legitimate business. 201 00:08:20,274 --> 00:08:22,182 Uh, well, now that we've got that settled, 202 00:08:22,217 --> 00:08:24,578 uh, I'll tell you what, why don't, um, why don't we play you 203 00:08:24,612 --> 00:08:26,480 a couple of our original songs, 204 00:08:26,514 --> 00:08:28,449 loosely based on the chord progressions 205 00:08:28,482 --> 00:08:30,384 - of Emerson, Lake & Palmer? - Mmm. 206 00:08:30,418 --> 00:08:31,819 - N-No. - Yes. 207 00:08:31,852 --> 00:08:33,354 - No. I think we should just... - Yes. 208 00:08:33,387 --> 00:08:35,322 Actually, let's just keep moving on 209 00:08:35,356 --> 00:08:37,196 to-to the next loan, if that's okay. 210 00:08:40,635 --> 00:08:43,364 Uh, so, uh, "Frank's Imports and Exports." 211 00:08:43,397 --> 00:08:45,566 - Oh, that's this guy. I'm gonna get a beer. - Boom. 212 00:08:45,981 --> 00:08:47,768 Go. What do you want to know? 213 00:08:47,802 --> 00:08:48,936 Uh, what were you importing? 214 00:08:48,969 --> 00:08:51,305 Inks, grease, paste. 215 00:08:51,338 --> 00:08:52,840 Sludges in general. 216 00:08:52,873 --> 00:08:54,775 Sludges, I see. All right. 217 00:08:54,809 --> 00:08:56,243 And, uh, what were you exporting? 218 00:08:56,277 --> 00:08:57,278 Hair dye. 219 00:08:59,613 --> 00:09:01,248 Frank, I'm worried about you, man. 220 00:09:01,282 --> 00:09:03,284 You're hitting it way too hard, pal. 221 00:09:03,317 --> 00:09:05,286 I was going hard. 222 00:09:05,319 --> 00:09:08,956 When society hits the brakes, I hit the gas, baby. 223 00:09:08,989 --> 00:09:12,693 Society break, I got gas. 224 00:09:12,727 --> 00:09:15,629 What? If you have gas, take it out in the hall, okay? 225 00:09:15,663 --> 00:09:17,531 Also, I need another bucket. I'm out of paint here. 226 00:09:17,565 --> 00:09:19,367 - Where... - I got no more buckets. 227 00:09:19,400 --> 00:09:20,786 Look, I shouldn't even be doing this, man. 228 00:09:20,821 --> 00:09:21,836 Uh, y... It looks terrible. 229 00:09:21,869 --> 00:09:23,771 You should get this done in, like, a salon or something. 230 00:09:23,804 --> 00:09:26,307 Salons are closed. 231 00:09:26,340 --> 00:09:27,942 I got to go, got to go, got to go, got to go. 232 00:09:27,975 --> 00:09:29,543 - Got to go? Where you going? - Yeah, I got to go. 233 00:09:29,577 --> 00:09:30,911 That's only half... You look crazy, dude. 234 00:09:30,945 --> 00:09:33,280 - Where you going? - I'm out. 235 00:09:33,314 --> 00:09:35,783 What... Well, take a mask, will you? 236 00:09:35,816 --> 00:09:38,619 - I mean, you got one? - I got... Yes, I got a mask. 237 00:09:38,652 --> 00:09:40,521 - You got to wear it, though, Frank. - It's on. I got it on. 238 00:09:40,554 --> 00:09:42,490 Yeah, but you got to cover your nose, dude. 239 00:09:42,523 --> 00:09:44,225 You got to... 240 00:09:44,258 --> 00:09:46,227 Why does nobody old know how to wear a mask? 241 00:09:46,260 --> 00:09:48,763 I was sick of staying inside. 242 00:09:48,796 --> 00:09:50,965 So I went to my favorite bookstore to clear my head. 243 00:09:50,998 --> 00:09:54,402 Fortunately, my favorite bookstore never closes, 244 00:09:54,435 --> 00:09:56,637 and they never judge their customers. 245 00:09:56,670 --> 00:09:58,506 Oh, hey, you got to wear a mask. 246 00:09:58,539 --> 00:10:01,242 I got a mask. 247 00:10:01,275 --> 00:10:02,510 - Oh, I didn't see it. - Right. 248 00:10:02,543 --> 00:10:04,311 - You're good. - Thank you. 249 00:10:04,345 --> 00:10:06,380 So I grabbed a few titles 250 00:10:06,414 --> 00:10:09,483 and I went in the back to do some light reading. 251 00:10:09,517 --> 00:10:12,420 There I was, staring at my idols, 252 00:10:12,453 --> 00:10:17,758 Peter North, T. T. Boy, the late, great D.J. Ram. 253 00:10:17,792 --> 00:10:20,494 And that's when I noticed it. 254 00:10:20,528 --> 00:10:23,764 The bad dye job. Who had I become? 255 00:10:23,798 --> 00:10:26,634 I was letting the pandemic get the best of me. 256 00:10:26,667 --> 00:10:28,939 It had taken my manhood. 257 00:10:28,974 --> 00:10:30,034 Well, I went home 258 00:10:30,069 --> 00:10:32,373 and immediately did something about it. 259 00:10:32,406 --> 00:10:34,542 After I popped off. 260 00:10:34,575 --> 00:10:38,779 I got right to work on creating the perfect hair dye. 261 00:10:38,813 --> 00:10:41,515 Shoe polish, India ink, 262 00:10:41,549 --> 00:10:42,917 permanent marker. 263 00:10:43,900 --> 00:10:45,619 I tried 'em all. 264 00:10:45,653 --> 00:10:48,425 Until I finally hit pay dirt. 265 00:10:48,460 --> 00:10:49,757 Whoa. 266 00:10:49,790 --> 00:10:52,493 Chinese motor oil. 267 00:10:52,526 --> 00:10:54,261 - Bingo. - Bingo. 268 00:10:54,295 --> 00:10:57,231 For the first time in a long time, 269 00:10:57,264 --> 00:10:59,767 I felt like somebody again. 270 00:10:59,800 --> 00:11:01,969 I couldn't let this opportunity go to waste. 271 00:11:03,156 --> 00:11:04,839 I opened a chair. 272 00:11:04,872 --> 00:11:09,492 I became the most sought-after underground hair stylist 273 00:11:09,527 --> 00:11:12,380 for like-minded older men yearning 274 00:11:12,413 --> 00:11:15,616 for a sense of community during the pandemic. 275 00:11:15,649 --> 00:11:19,887 I had my PPP loan, and business was booming. 276 00:11:52,853 --> 00:11:54,922 Then one day, this guy comes in. 277 00:11:54,955 --> 00:11:57,384 Not even the usual clientele. 278 00:11:57,419 --> 00:11:59,627 Didn't even look at the magazines. 279 00:11:59,660 --> 00:12:02,496 Said he just needed a place to cool off. 280 00:12:02,530 --> 00:12:04,432 Next thing you know, he's in my chair. 281 00:12:04,465 --> 00:12:06,801 We talked about the election, 282 00:12:06,834 --> 00:12:11,238 and our mutual disdain for insider Beltway politics. 283 00:12:11,272 --> 00:12:13,908 He wasn't from the neighborhood. 284 00:12:13,960 --> 00:12:16,811 Said he was in from New York, doing some business 285 00:12:16,844 --> 00:12:20,348 at a fancy hotel down the street. 286 00:12:20,381 --> 00:12:22,365 He said his boss was a very connected man 287 00:12:22,400 --> 00:12:24,752 who needed a situation fixed. 288 00:12:24,785 --> 00:12:28,756 And this poor bastard was in the eye of the shitstorm. 289 00:12:28,789 --> 00:12:31,625 I did him up real nice. 290 00:12:31,659 --> 00:12:34,261 Little did I know, my work was about to be 291 00:12:34,295 --> 00:12:35,896 in the national spotlight, 292 00:12:35,930 --> 00:12:39,233 on the head of America's mayor, 293 00:12:39,266 --> 00:12:42,536 Rudolph William Giuliani. 294 00:12:42,570 --> 00:12:46,374 I was proud of how my work stood up in the spotlight. 295 00:12:46,407 --> 00:12:48,843 He became my biggest client. 296 00:12:48,876 --> 00:12:51,312 Funny thing about the spotlight, though, 297 00:12:51,345 --> 00:12:53,180 sometimes it burns too bright. 298 00:12:55,683 --> 00:12:59,420 And that was the moment I knew it was coming to an end. 299 00:12:59,453 --> 00:13:01,789 It was my own fault. I got sloppy. 300 00:13:01,822 --> 00:13:04,892 Started cutting corners, using American motor oil. 301 00:13:04,925 --> 00:13:08,195 And to top it off, my guy didn't win the election. 302 00:13:08,963 --> 00:13:11,232 The whole thing was a fiasco. 303 00:13:11,265 --> 00:13:13,834 I-I blame myself. 304 00:13:13,868 --> 00:13:15,369 Wait, y... so you're saying that the hair dye 305 00:13:15,403 --> 00:13:16,771 that's dripping down your face 306 00:13:16,804 --> 00:13:18,939 is the same dye used by Rudolph Giuliani 307 00:13:18,973 --> 00:13:20,908 during the presidential election? 308 00:13:21,807 --> 00:13:22,842 Yeah. 309 00:13:25,716 --> 00:13:28,482 Okay. Let's just move on to the next loan. 310 00:13:28,516 --> 00:13:30,751 Um, a clothing line. Something called 311 00:13:30,785 --> 00:13:32,353 "Garments and Varmints"? 312 00:13:32,386 --> 00:13:33,888 - Yo! That's us. Yeah. - Yep. Yeah. 313 00:13:33,921 --> 00:13:35,623 Yeah, th-the name's a little confusing, 314 00:13:35,656 --> 00:13:37,658 'cause it did end up being mostly costumes. 315 00:13:37,692 --> 00:13:39,360 Yeah, yeah, but it's not really confusing, you know, 316 00:13:39,393 --> 00:13:41,949 because varmints definitely played, like, a key role in it. 317 00:13:41,984 --> 00:13:43,464 - So it's not confusing. - Oh, it's confusing. 318 00:13:43,499 --> 00:13:44,799 - It's incredibly confusing. - I'm sorry. 319 00:13:44,832 --> 00:13:45,866 - But we can go on. - Yeah. Yeah. 320 00:13:45,900 --> 00:13:47,334 Uh, I am confused. 321 00:13:47,368 --> 00:13:48,469 Well, of course, you're confused, Gary. 322 00:13:48,502 --> 00:13:49,570 That's 'cause you're not a moron. 323 00:13:52,673 --> 00:13:54,542 All right, let me explain what happened here, all right? 324 00:13:54,575 --> 00:13:57,278 - We've been on top of each other for a long time. - Yeah. 325 00:13:57,311 --> 00:13:58,746 We bubbled together during the pandemic 326 00:13:58,779 --> 00:14:00,648 because, well, we're both essential workers at the bar. 327 00:14:00,681 --> 00:14:03,351 Yeah, yeah. Charlie and I, we're the last tit on the hog 328 00:14:03,384 --> 00:14:04,719 before the asshole. 329 00:14:06,887 --> 00:14:09,857 I am so sorry for my partner's blue language. 330 00:14:09,890 --> 00:14:11,659 It-it does not represent our business, 331 00:14:11,692 --> 00:14:13,894 - and it's extremely off-putting. - It was just a joke. 332 00:14:14,829 --> 00:14:16,731 Just stop. Okay. 333 00:14:16,764 --> 00:14:18,366 The point is, we were pretty deep in the pandemic 334 00:14:18,399 --> 00:14:22,536 when we, uh, we got a pretty good idea. 335 00:14:23,047 --> 00:14:24,872 We were gonna sell masks. 336 00:14:24,905 --> 00:14:27,475 The world needed masks, and once our loan came in, 337 00:14:27,508 --> 00:14:29,276 we got all kinds of materials. 338 00:14:29,310 --> 00:14:31,212 Only, there was one problem. 339 00:14:32,413 --> 00:14:34,348 Bam. Check that one out. 340 00:14:34,382 --> 00:14:36,217 - What the hell is that? - That's a mask. 341 00:14:36,250 --> 00:14:37,618 Yeah, of Ronald Reagan, but... 342 00:14:37,651 --> 00:14:40,721 Ronald Reagan? That's Dennis. 343 00:14:40,755 --> 00:14:42,890 - That's not Dennis? - Whether it's Dennis or Ronald Reagan, 344 00:14:42,923 --> 00:14:44,525 i-it's not gonna stop the spread of COVID. 345 00:14:44,558 --> 00:14:46,260 Stop COVID? 346 00:14:46,293 --> 00:14:47,762 Well, we don't need any more of those kind of masks. 347 00:14:47,795 --> 00:14:49,397 Everybody's making those masks. 348 00:14:49,430 --> 00:14:50,664 Well, they-they're trying, right? 349 00:14:50,698 --> 00:14:51,899 But, see, my angle is, mine are funny. 350 00:14:51,932 --> 00:14:53,868 Look at this. 351 00:14:53,901 --> 00:14:55,369 "Fauch the Grouch." 352 00:14:55,887 --> 00:14:56,937 Right? 353 00:14:56,971 --> 00:14:59,273 - Fau... That's a great name. Who is that? - I know. 354 00:14:59,306 --> 00:15:00,908 "Fauch." 355 00:15:00,941 --> 00:15:02,610 Okay, how about this one? 356 00:15:02,643 --> 00:15:04,244 "Mama needs wine." 357 00:15:04,322 --> 00:15:05,413 Right? And this is funny 358 00:15:05,446 --> 00:15:07,381 'cause women are alcoholics who hate their kids. 359 00:15:07,415 --> 00:15:09,450 Yeah, yeah. But I... you're, like, 360 00:15:09,483 --> 00:15:11,252 you're missing the big picture here, Dee. 361 00:15:11,285 --> 00:15:12,620 - Right? 'Cause, dude... - What do you mean? 362 00:15:12,653 --> 00:15:14,488 the real money is in the Halloween costume space. 363 00:15:14,522 --> 00:15:16,891 Think about it, man. Everyone's been stuck together at home, 364 00:15:16,924 --> 00:15:17,925 they're all worried and shit. 365 00:15:17,958 --> 00:15:19,226 They're gonna want to come together 366 00:15:19,260 --> 00:15:20,494 at the end of next year, so, like, 367 00:15:20,528 --> 00:15:22,363 Halloween store owners, they're gonna be, like, 368 00:15:22,396 --> 00:15:24,365 some of the richest people in America, Dee. 369 00:15:24,398 --> 00:15:25,633 We're not gonna do that. We're not gonna do... 370 00:15:25,666 --> 00:15:27,201 Let's just do the medical mask thing. 371 00:15:27,234 --> 00:15:28,669 Uh, number one, it's easier, and number two, 372 00:15:28,703 --> 00:15:30,504 - it actually makes sense. Right? - Okay. All right. 373 00:15:30,538 --> 00:15:32,273 - Well, fine, we'll try your thing. - Logical. 374 00:15:32,306 --> 00:15:33,774 - Okay, fine. - Okay. 375 00:15:33,808 --> 00:15:35,509 Anyway, we made the stupid masks, 376 00:15:35,543 --> 00:15:37,278 but the next challenge was marketing them. 377 00:15:37,311 --> 00:15:39,513 Sweetie, if you're not gonna help me homeschool these kids, 378 00:15:39,547 --> 00:15:41,215 can you please at least do the dishes? 379 00:15:41,248 --> 00:15:43,751 I need to drink wine. 380 00:15:43,784 --> 00:15:46,787 I know you do, but, honey, I got you a gift. 381 00:15:46,821 --> 00:15:48,756 You did? What? 382 00:15:48,789 --> 00:15:51,192 A custom-made mask. 383 00:15:56,230 --> 00:15:59,233 Are you looking to party this Halloween? 384 00:15:59,266 --> 00:16:01,202 Are you sick of being jerked around by the fat cats 385 00:16:01,235 --> 00:16:03,237 in the Halloween industry? 386 00:16:03,270 --> 00:16:06,507 Then we've got the fix for you. Garments and Varmints. 387 00:16:06,540 --> 00:16:08,871 And now it's all starting to make sense, right? 388 00:16:08,906 --> 00:16:09,944 Wh-What? No. 389 00:16:09,977 --> 00:16:11,779 It makes less sense than it did in the beginning. 390 00:16:11,812 --> 00:16:13,714 - You're telling it wrong. - Gary gets it. 391 00:16:13,748 --> 00:16:14,849 - No, I-I don't get it. - Point is, 392 00:16:14,882 --> 00:16:16,484 for reasons we would find out 393 00:16:16,517 --> 00:16:18,912 much later, we did end up getting a rather sizable order 394 00:16:18,947 --> 00:16:20,354 for costumes from one group. 395 00:16:20,388 --> 00:16:22,510 Yeah, uh-huh, and these guys were out of state, right, 396 00:16:22,545 --> 00:16:23,891 - and they wanted them really fast. - We were in a rush. 397 00:16:23,924 --> 00:16:25,493 So we were stressed out. 398 00:16:25,526 --> 00:16:27,228 Now, luckily, I was pretty handy with the old girl, 399 00:16:27,261 --> 00:16:29,363 so we were able to fill out most of the order. 400 00:16:29,397 --> 00:16:30,765 Although we were running out of material. 401 00:16:30,798 --> 00:16:33,200 - Okay, what else do we need? - What? 402 00:16:33,234 --> 00:16:34,802 - What else do we need? - Uh, uh, pelts. 403 00:16:34,835 --> 00:16:36,804 - Get more pelts. - What pelts? 404 00:16:36,837 --> 00:16:39,240 The pelts! The pelts, you bitch! 405 00:16:39,273 --> 00:16:41,809 - Pelts for what? - Oh, you bitch. 406 00:16:41,842 --> 00:16:43,644 You insufferable bitch. 407 00:16:43,677 --> 00:16:45,646 I d... Am I supposed to even know what that means? 408 00:16:45,679 --> 00:16:46,747 - Animal pelts! - What are we doing with animal pelts? 409 00:16:46,781 --> 00:16:48,315 I can't sew without the pelts! 410 00:16:48,349 --> 00:16:49,383 Get the pelts, you bitch! 411 00:16:50,097 --> 00:16:52,219 Yeah, now, normally, I don't call Dee a bitch. 412 00:16:52,253 --> 00:16:53,587 That's sort of Dennis's thing. 413 00:16:53,621 --> 00:16:56,223 - Dee's a goddamn bitch! - Yeah. Uh, 414 00:16:56,257 --> 00:16:58,518 but, you know, her vulgar language was rubbing off on me, 415 00:16:58,553 --> 00:17:00,261 you know, which wasn't a good look for the business. 416 00:17:00,294 --> 00:17:01,896 The pelts that Charlie's referring to, 417 00:17:01,929 --> 00:17:03,364 they're from raccoons that he was tanning 418 00:17:03,397 --> 00:17:04,532 in the basement of this bar. 419 00:17:04,565 --> 00:17:06,233 Yeah, well, you see, 420 00:17:06,267 --> 00:17:07,468 the pandemic had kind of disrupted 421 00:17:07,501 --> 00:17:08,903 the bar's natural ecosystem. 422 00:17:08,936 --> 00:17:10,404 There was a real uptick in raccoons, 423 00:17:10,438 --> 00:17:11,872 which consider rat brains a delicacy, 424 00:17:11,906 --> 00:17:13,941 which of-of course you know, Gary, 425 00:17:13,974 --> 00:17:15,676 - and now it's all starting to make sense. - It doesn't make sense. 426 00:17:15,710 --> 00:17:17,545 At least now he understands why we called the business 427 00:17:17,578 --> 00:17:18,880 - Garments and Varmints. - He doesn't care what we call 428 00:17:18,913 --> 00:17:20,181 - the business. - I believe that the man does! 429 00:17:20,214 --> 00:17:22,316 I'm taking over the whole story! 430 00:17:23,238 --> 00:17:25,353 - Okay? - Please go ahead. 431 00:17:25,386 --> 00:17:27,588 It took us three hours, but we finally arrived 432 00:17:27,621 --> 00:17:30,291 at the place where we were gonna meet the customer. 433 00:17:32,560 --> 00:17:34,528 - Gentlemen. - You got the stuff? 434 00:17:34,562 --> 00:17:36,597 - Absolutely. Give me one minute. - Hey. 435 00:17:36,630 --> 00:17:39,400 Digging that face paint. Very festive. 436 00:17:39,433 --> 00:17:40,801 What are you gentlemen celebrating? 437 00:17:40,835 --> 00:17:43,070 - We're protesting the election. - Yeah! 438 00:17:43,104 --> 00:17:44,171 Okay, well, I can get behind that, 439 00:17:44,205 --> 00:17:45,740 'cause our guy did not get a fair shake. 440 00:17:45,773 --> 00:17:48,012 - Oh. - The whole thing is a sham. 441 00:17:48,047 --> 00:17:49,410 - Yeah, our guy got screwed, man. - Sham. 442 00:17:49,443 --> 00:17:51,645 Okay, so there's the costumes. 443 00:17:51,679 --> 00:17:53,381 I'm especially proud of the stitching on the animal skins. 444 00:17:53,414 --> 00:17:55,383 - That was all Charlie. - You know what I'd like to do? 445 00:17:55,416 --> 00:17:58,586 Uh, I'd love to throw in this cool hat for free. 446 00:17:58,619 --> 00:18:00,388 I think it really completes the look. 447 00:18:00,421 --> 00:18:02,356 - Let's see. - You know? Let's see it there. 448 00:18:02,798 --> 00:18:04,759 - Oh, shit. He's right. - Yeah. 449 00:18:04,792 --> 00:18:07,762 Thanks, brother. 450 00:18:07,795 --> 00:18:10,331 Now let's go save this country! 451 00:18:11,690 --> 00:18:13,467 All right. 452 00:18:13,501 --> 00:18:16,404 Uh, they all seemed pretty amped up. 453 00:18:16,437 --> 00:18:18,372 But we were, too. I mean, people have been dragging 454 00:18:18,406 --> 00:18:20,775 our guy's name through the mud, saying he wasn't fit for office. 455 00:18:20,808 --> 00:18:23,411 Yeah, calling him a narcissist, saying he was mentally ill, 456 00:18:23,444 --> 00:18:24,512 and that all the people who showed up 457 00:18:24,545 --> 00:18:26,247 - for his events were idiots. - Yeah, but that's 'cause 458 00:18:26,280 --> 00:18:27,748 they've never seen the guy onstage. 459 00:18:27,782 --> 00:18:30,785 - I mean, he's electrifying onstage. - Yeah. 460 00:18:30,818 --> 00:18:33,888 All right, I'm sorry, let me... try to make sense of this. 461 00:18:33,921 --> 00:18:36,323 You're telling me that you provided the iconic costumes 462 00:18:36,357 --> 00:18:37,758 at the Capitol riots? 463 00:18:39,104 --> 00:18:39,860 - Yeah. - Yep. 464 00:18:39,894 --> 00:18:42,263 - Can't say they weren't good costumes, Gary. - They were great costumes. 465 00:18:42,296 --> 00:18:44,198 Isn't that something? Isn't that something? 466 00:18:44,231 --> 00:18:45,600 Well, uh, listen, now that we've cleared up 467 00:18:45,614 --> 00:18:47,935 all those previous loans, uh, we would like to talk to you 468 00:18:47,968 --> 00:18:52,339 about giving us a new loan for Paddy's Pub. Okay... 469 00:18:52,373 --> 00:18:54,241 - Oh my G... What was that? - Oh, sorr... 470 00:18:54,275 --> 00:18:55,476 Firework. Almost got you, pal. 471 00:18:55,509 --> 00:18:56,544 Sorry about that. 472 00:18:56,577 --> 00:18:58,140 - Fire. - Oh! 473 00:18:58,240 --> 00:18:59,814 Huh? What? Shit, I see it. All right. 474 00:18:59,847 --> 00:19:01,716 Uh, I got it. I got it. 475 00:19:01,749 --> 00:19:04,297 I got it. Sorry, everyone. All right. 476 00:19:08,656 --> 00:19:11,192 (WHOOPS) Uh, sorry about that, everybody. 477 00:19:11,225 --> 00:19:12,793 Probably shouldn't have done that in the bar. 478 00:19:12,827 --> 00:19:14,362 - Oh, is that right? - Yeah, I'm sorry, guys. 479 00:19:14,395 --> 00:19:15,730 - Yeah. All right, well... - I was trying to get 480 00:19:15,763 --> 00:19:17,398 a little fanfare for the-the loan. 481 00:19:17,431 --> 00:19:18,799 It was prett... It was kind of cool. 482 00:19:18,833 --> 00:19:20,735 Um, so, hey, listen, um, 483 00:19:20,768 --> 00:19:23,504 listen, we really do believe that with a major cash infusion, 484 00:19:23,537 --> 00:19:25,639 - we could turn this bar into something... - No, no, no. 485 00:19:25,673 --> 00:19:27,641 - ... even more successful than it already... - No, no, no. Stop. 486 00:19:27,675 --> 00:19:28,909 I-I have heard enough. 487 00:19:28,943 --> 00:19:30,811 You people have shamelessly gamed the system 488 00:19:30,845 --> 00:19:33,581 out of massive amounts of taxpayer dollars 489 00:19:33,614 --> 00:19:36,650 for fictitious businesses that have gone bankrupt, 490 00:19:36,684 --> 00:19:38,886 and still you have the nerve to ask for more money? 491 00:19:38,919 --> 00:19:41,355 Well, that's what makes America the greatest country in the world. 492 00:19:41,389 --> 00:19:43,324 When you're in need, the government comes in 493 00:19:43,357 --> 00:19:45,741 - and bails you out. - Nothing made me more money 494 00:19:45,776 --> 00:19:48,247 than businesses I sent into bankruptcy. 495 00:19:48,282 --> 00:19:49,897 - Yes... Yeah, yeah. - That's the American way. 496 00:19:49,930 --> 00:19:51,632 That's as American as it gets right there. 497 00:19:51,665 --> 00:19:52,933 That's right, and maybe if our guy had won, 498 00:19:52,967 --> 00:19:54,902 our businesses could succeed just like his. 499 00:19:54,935 --> 00:19:56,370 - They would've been huge hits. - Oh, absolutely. 500 00:19:56,404 --> 00:19:57,905 - Yeah. - I think so. 501 00:19:57,938 --> 00:19:59,874 No, no, no, I-I... No... 502 00:19:59,907 --> 00:20:02,376 None of these idiotic businesses would have been successful 503 00:20:02,410 --> 00:20:04,245 whether Trump had won or lost. 504 00:20:05,279 --> 00:20:07,214 - Huh? - Okay. - Trump? 505 00:20:07,248 --> 00:20:09,250 - Yeah. I'm sorry... - Yeah, wh-why are you talking about Trump? 506 00:20:09,283 --> 00:20:10,751 - Where'd you get that? - Yeah, how are you getting to that? 507 00:20:10,785 --> 00:20:13,320 Uh, "Washington outsider, not taken seriously 508 00:20:13,354 --> 00:20:16,257 "by the liberal media, successful businessman, 509 00:20:16,290 --> 00:20:18,626 unsuccessful in love, electrifying onstage." 510 00:20:18,659 --> 00:20:20,294 - Oh, yeah. - Yeah, yeah, that's our guy. 511 00:20:20,328 --> 00:20:21,395 - Yeah, yeah, that's him. - Absolutely. Yeah. 512 00:20:21,429 --> 00:20:23,931 - That's Kanye. Kanye West. - Kanye West. 513 00:20:23,964 --> 00:20:24,899 - He's our guy. - Have you seen him onstage? 514 00:20:24,932 --> 00:20:26,667 Yeah. 515 00:20:26,701 --> 00:20:28,602 Wait, Kanye West? 516 00:20:28,636 --> 00:20:30,771 You all voted for Kanye West? 517 00:20:30,805 --> 00:20:32,773 - Oh, absolutely. - Damn right. - 100%, pal. 518 00:20:32,807 --> 00:20:34,408 - You've seen him onstage? - All the way. - Yeah, man. 519 00:20:34,442 --> 00:20:35,910 He's the best. He's the best. 520 00:20:35,943 --> 00:20:38,612 No. I do not believe you. 521 00:20:38,646 --> 00:20:41,449 I do not believe any of you. None of this happened. 522 00:20:41,482 --> 00:20:43,751 There is no way that you were all involved 523 00:20:43,784 --> 00:20:45,720 in every major event of the past year. 524 00:20:45,753 --> 00:20:47,855 - Wh-Why? - Why? 525 00:20:47,888 --> 00:20:49,590 Because you're not Forrest Gump! 526 00:20:51,865 --> 00:20:53,627 You'll be hearing from the IRS. 527 00:20:57,798 --> 00:21:00,334 - Okay. - I don't... I don't like him. 528 00:21:00,368 --> 00:21:01,769 I don't think he's gonna give us the loan. 529 00:21:01,802 --> 00:21:03,771 - I don't think we're gonna get the loan, either. - No. 530 00:21:03,804 --> 00:21:06,240 You know what we should do? Let's listen to some Kanye West. 531 00:21:06,890 --> 00:21:08,483 - Ow! - That's what we should do. 532 00:21:08,518 --> 00:21:09,718 That's gonna bring the mood back up. 533 00:21:09,753 --> 00:21:11,645 We all should be listening to Kanye West. 534 00:21:32,666 --> 00:21:35,736 Stop the count! Stop the count! 535 00:22:22,783 --> 00:22:27,855 - synced and corrected by sot26 - www.addic7ed.com