1 00:00:18,223 --> 00:00:20,600 Coming up next week on The Golden Bachelor… 2 00:00:20,683 --> 00:00:24,229 I'm really excited to get back to Philly for my hometown visit. 3 00:00:24,729 --> 00:00:28,149 I run a bar with my kids and my kids' friends. 4 00:00:28,233 --> 00:00:31,236 And my roommate, who is also one of my kids' friends, 5 00:00:31,319 --> 00:00:33,905 who we thought was my kid. 6 00:00:33,988 --> 00:00:38,534 But we chucked his real dad off a cliff. He was already soup by that point. 7 00:00:38,618 --> 00:00:43,623 Anyway… …I want us all to have a nice dinner, get to know each other. 8 00:00:43,706 --> 00:00:47,001 It's gonna be a really classy affair. 9 00:00:47,085 --> 00:00:48,169 Mmm. 10 00:00:49,295 --> 00:00:50,338 We look forward to it. 11 00:00:50,421 --> 00:00:54,425 So join us next week as we travel to Philadelphia for Frank's hometown visit. 12 00:00:55,593 --> 00:00:58,221 Well… …you know what this means, guys. 13 00:00:59,180 --> 00:01:01,557 - What? - We gotta get our shit together. 14 00:01:26,207 --> 00:01:28,042 - All right. - I don't know. I don't get it. 15 00:01:28,126 --> 00:01:29,294 Like, why is he doing this? 16 00:01:29,377 --> 00:01:30,962 Oh, who knows? You know, fame, attention. 17 00:01:31,045 --> 00:01:33,381 Maybe he just wants to bang a bunch of old ladies. It doesn't matter 18 00:01:33,464 --> 00:01:36,551 'cause what does matter is how we come across when those cameras are rolling, 19 00:01:36,634 --> 00:01:38,803 right? I mean, this is prime time TV we're talking about. 20 00:01:38,886 --> 00:01:41,556 And we pop on something like this, all our hopes and dreams could come true. 21 00:01:41,639 --> 00:01:44,767 I mean, hell……we live in a country where reality television 22 00:01:44,851 --> 00:01:46,769 could be a pathway towards being the president. 23 00:01:46,853 --> 00:01:48,396 Yeah. But what's with the scripts? 24 00:01:48,479 --> 00:01:51,899 Oh. Yeah, so Frank said that he wanted to have a really classy dinner. 25 00:01:51,983 --> 00:01:55,653 And, you know, we've struggled with that a little bit in the past, admittedly. 26 00:01:55,737 --> 00:01:57,447 So I just jotted down some lines… 27 00:01:57,530 --> 00:02:00,366 …some small talk for us to, you know, talk about over the dinner, 28 00:02:00,450 --> 00:02:03,119 so that we can stay away from some of the danger zones. 29 00:02:03,202 --> 00:02:05,663 I feel like this is gonna feel too scripted, you know? 30 00:02:05,747 --> 00:02:06,914 - Yeah, I mean… - Well, it is. 31 00:02:06,998 --> 00:02:08,916 Shouldn't it be a little bit more off the cuff? 32 00:02:09,000 --> 00:02:10,126 - No. - Yeah. Like… 33 00:02:10,209 --> 00:02:12,170 Like the other day I was walking down by City Hall, 34 00:02:12,253 --> 00:02:14,088 and I noticed this coyote was following me. 35 00:02:14,172 --> 00:02:15,548 - Really? - Right down Market Street, 36 00:02:15,631 --> 00:02:16,924 - in broad daylight. - In Market Street? 37 00:02:17,008 --> 00:02:18,760 So I turned to this coyote. I got on my haunches, 38 00:02:18,843 --> 00:02:20,219 'cause you gotta get down on your haunches. 39 00:02:20,303 --> 00:02:23,097 You gotta meet them where they are. And I'm like, "Why are you following me?" 40 00:02:23,181 --> 00:02:24,640 - Yeah! - I said, "Back off, 41 00:02:24,724 --> 00:02:28,227 or I will stick my thumbs into your eyes." Which I've said to you before. 42 00:02:28,311 --> 00:02:34,150 No, I don't think we should be regaling audiences with tales of animal abuse. 43 00:02:34,233 --> 00:02:35,401 - It was following him. - We're not. 44 00:02:35,485 --> 00:02:37,153 - I was the hunted, he was the hunter. - Okay. Well… 45 00:02:37,236 --> 00:02:39,655 Dennis. Dennis. How come I don't have any lines? 46 00:02:40,239 --> 00:02:41,699 You do. 47 00:02:41,783 --> 00:02:44,744 "Hi, I'm Dee. Frank is a great dad." That's it. 48 00:02:46,287 --> 00:02:49,165 - It's all you need. - No. It's not… It doesn't pop. 49 00:02:49,248 --> 00:02:51,334 How am I supposed to pop with this? No, I need to be slinging zingers. 50 00:02:51,417 --> 00:02:54,087 You guys, I have a new one about a Chinese guy and his optometrist… 51 00:02:54,170 --> 00:02:57,548 Oh, God. No. Dee, stop doing that. No race jokes, no edge. 52 00:02:57,632 --> 00:02:59,717 - You know, actually, no comedy at all. - What? 53 00:02:59,801 --> 00:03:01,969 Well, we've moved past comedy as a society. 54 00:03:02,053 --> 00:03:03,805 We don't want it anymore, we've decided. 55 00:03:03,888 --> 00:03:07,392 You know, it makes us think too much about, you know, our current condition. 56 00:03:07,475 --> 00:03:09,435 And then, really, we don't want to think about ourselves 57 00:03:09,519 --> 00:03:11,354 because it makes us feel bad about ourselves. 58 00:03:11,437 --> 00:03:13,189 - It's confusing. - So we project onto the people 59 00:03:13,272 --> 00:03:15,274 that are making us think, and we cancel 'em. 60 00:03:15,358 --> 00:03:17,026 - We get mad. - I'm with Dennis. 61 00:03:17,110 --> 00:03:19,320 - Go woke, go broke. Right, Dennis? - Yeah, for sure, man. 62 00:03:19,404 --> 00:03:21,864 No. Uh, well, no. That's the opposite of what I'm saying. 63 00:03:21,948 --> 00:03:24,200 - It sounds like what you're saying. - That's pretty much what you're saying. 64 00:03:24,283 --> 00:03:25,576 It's not. No. She said… 65 00:03:27,245 --> 00:03:28,413 - We're already broke. - Yeah. 66 00:03:28,496 --> 00:03:30,456 No, what I'm saying is if we go woke… 67 00:03:31,541 --> 00:03:33,084 - We'll go broke? - …we pop. 68 00:03:33,584 --> 00:03:36,963 I want to know what all these, uh, creams and bottles are. 69 00:03:37,046 --> 00:03:40,508 - These… What are we doing? - Ah. Yes. Um, glad you asked, Charlie. 70 00:03:40,591 --> 00:03:43,052 Um, those are various shampoos and tanning creams. 71 00:03:43,136 --> 00:03:47,473 And, uh, yeah, got some Nair hair removal in there, for any unsightly hairs. 72 00:03:47,557 --> 00:03:48,558 What, me? 73 00:03:49,100 --> 00:03:51,018 - Probably. - Well, sure. Yeah, you. 74 00:03:51,102 --> 00:03:52,228 Uh, but, you know, all of you. 75 00:03:52,311 --> 00:03:53,646 - Here's an idea, actually. - No, not me. 76 00:03:53,729 --> 00:03:56,774 What if instead of getting all clean, I get more dirty. 77 00:03:56,858 --> 00:03:59,110 And then Frank's like, "Oh, my God, he's dirty. 78 00:03:59,193 --> 00:04:01,988 - I'm concerned about him," you know? - You guys just aren't getting it, okay? 79 00:04:02,071 --> 00:04:06,200 You're not getting it. All right, this is bigger than just looking good, okay? 80 00:04:06,701 --> 00:04:09,370 The most important thing here is to not look bad. 81 00:04:09,453 --> 00:04:12,415 Hollywood actually has a system for this already in place. 82 00:04:12,498 --> 00:04:15,293 It's called the testing process. They get together. Focus group, 83 00:04:15,376 --> 00:04:18,254 and they… Well, actually, we did a focus group for the last Thunder Gun movie, 84 00:04:18,337 --> 00:04:19,797 - if you guys recall. - Oh, yeah, yeah. 85 00:04:19,881 --> 00:04:21,924 And they score us on a scale of one to one hundred. 86 00:04:22,008 --> 00:04:24,844 Then we just keep refining the dinner over and over again, 87 00:04:24,927 --> 00:04:28,473 until finally we land on the most perfect versions of ourselves 88 00:04:28,556 --> 00:04:32,768 that will appeal to the widest possible audience and offend no one. 89 00:04:33,352 --> 00:04:37,106 That is how you make great art. 90 00:04:40,318 --> 00:04:42,195 Okay. Thank you all for coming. 91 00:04:42,695 --> 00:04:45,573 Uh, so some of you have done these before, for movies. 92 00:04:45,656 --> 00:04:48,242 And for some of you, I know it's your first time. 93 00:04:48,326 --> 00:04:53,623 But, in a bit of an unorthodox move, we will be watching a live performance today, 94 00:04:53,706 --> 00:04:56,375 in preparation for the show The Golden Bachelor. 95 00:04:57,877 --> 00:05:02,340 Okay, so let's begin the, uh… The show. 96 00:05:04,884 --> 00:05:05,885 Um… 97 00:05:07,094 --> 00:05:08,804 - Tell 'em not to clap. - Excuse me? 98 00:05:09,472 --> 00:05:12,350 Well, it's, you know, it's not a play. So, they shouldn't clap or, 99 00:05:12,433 --> 00:05:14,393 you know, laugh out loud or groan or anything like that. 100 00:05:14,477 --> 00:05:17,647 No. How are we supposed to know what they think is funny? Let 'em laugh. 101 00:05:18,773 --> 00:05:20,525 Okay. They can laugh, but, you know, no claps. 102 00:05:20,608 --> 00:05:22,818 I think we should keep the claps so we know what they love. 103 00:05:22,902 --> 00:05:25,780 Oh, God. Jesus Christ. Dude, you really overdid it on the tanner. 104 00:05:25,863 --> 00:05:27,573 - Well, it's a farmer's tan. - You're not a farmer. 105 00:05:27,657 --> 00:05:28,658 But my guy is. 106 00:05:28,741 --> 00:05:30,076 Your guy? What guy? 107 00:05:30,159 --> 00:05:31,452 You know what? Just start. 108 00:05:33,204 --> 00:05:36,082 Right. Uh… So, let's begin. 109 00:05:46,801 --> 00:05:47,802 Okay. 110 00:05:52,890 --> 00:05:54,976 Well, here we are. 111 00:05:55,059 --> 00:05:56,143 Mmm. 112 00:05:56,227 --> 00:05:57,603 Sure can't wait to see Frank. 113 00:05:57,687 --> 00:05:59,272 I can't wait to meet the lucky lady. 114 00:05:59,355 --> 00:06:00,898 If Frank likes her, I'll like her. 115 00:06:02,233 --> 00:06:03,568 So, where are they? 116 00:06:04,068 --> 00:06:07,280 Well, our lovable old pal Charlie is on his way over with them right now. 117 00:06:08,447 --> 00:06:10,825 - Oh. Speak of the devil. - Huh. 118 00:06:11,325 --> 00:06:13,369 Here they are. Come on in, guys. It's open. 119 00:06:15,913 --> 00:06:17,206 He's so bald. 120 00:06:17,290 --> 00:06:18,583 Hello, everybody. 121 00:06:19,584 --> 00:06:22,587 Frank, Frank's date, come on in. 122 00:06:25,131 --> 00:06:27,216 Thanks, Charlie. I'm starving. 123 00:06:27,300 --> 00:06:31,387 Um, me too. Because I'm a slut who likes to shove things in her mouth. 124 00:06:31,470 --> 00:06:32,763 Oh. 125 00:06:32,847 --> 00:06:33,848 Right. 126 00:06:35,266 --> 00:06:37,727 So… Whoo! 127 00:06:38,311 --> 00:06:39,895 What a day. 128 00:06:40,396 --> 00:06:43,149 You guys will not believe what happened to me. 129 00:06:44,275 --> 00:06:46,193 Okay. Well, I'm sure it's a very interesting story. 130 00:06:46,277 --> 00:06:48,529 But we don't want to hear it, because we're here to talk to Frank. 131 00:06:48,613 --> 00:06:50,656 I wanna hear Charlie's story because he looks crazy. 132 00:06:50,740 --> 00:06:52,783 No, no, no, no. You don't want to hear his story, 133 00:06:52,867 --> 00:06:54,285 because you were gonna tell us more about yourself. 134 00:06:54,368 --> 00:06:56,620 - What happened to you? - You were gonna tell us more… 135 00:06:56,704 --> 00:06:58,122 - Yes. - You were gonna tell us 136 00:06:58,205 --> 00:07:01,000 - more about yourself. - I'm Mac. Uh, I love Jesus, 137 00:07:01,083 --> 00:07:03,085 and therefore am not gay. 138 00:07:03,169 --> 00:07:06,255 - What? - I am a farmer, and I plow the fields. 139 00:07:06,339 --> 00:07:11,552 And that's why I have this farmer's tan, which plays in the fly-over states. 140 00:07:11,635 --> 00:07:15,681 - That's good. - And I live with Dennis in a friendship, 141 00:07:15,765 --> 00:07:18,893 man-to-man, nongay role. 142 00:07:18,976 --> 00:07:20,936 - Oh, okay. Yeah. Let's not… - Right, Dennis? 143 00:07:21,020 --> 00:07:23,898 The more he tries to hammer it home, the more it sounds like we do do it. 144 00:07:23,981 --> 00:07:26,525 - There is no gay here. - It's irrelevant. He's gay, I'm straight. 145 00:07:26,609 --> 00:07:28,861 - They just live together. - Yeah. Which is totally normal 146 00:07:28,944 --> 00:07:30,613 - for two middle-aged men. - Right. 147 00:07:33,699 --> 00:07:35,326 - They like when I'm funny. - Don't refer to them. 148 00:07:35,409 --> 00:07:36,410 They like when I'm funny. 149 00:07:36,494 --> 00:07:37,495 - Did you notice that? - No. 150 00:07:37,578 --> 00:07:40,331 Hey, you guys wanna hear the one about the Chinaman's doctor? 151 00:07:40,414 --> 00:07:41,749 - No, no. Hang on. - They don't. 152 00:07:41,832 --> 00:07:43,125 That is so racist. 153 00:07:43,209 --> 00:07:46,337 I yelled at a coyote the other day. Would anyone like to see a reenactment? 154 00:07:48,130 --> 00:07:49,256 Yeah? 155 00:07:50,132 --> 00:07:52,635 - This is a good story. - Yeah. It came at me, and I was like… 156 00:07:52,718 --> 00:07:54,762 - Tell 'em what you said. - I was so super cool. 157 00:07:54,845 --> 00:07:56,680 I was like, "Later, bro." 158 00:07:56,764 --> 00:07:58,391 No, you screamed at it. 159 00:08:01,644 --> 00:08:04,855 Well, this was a goddamn nightmare. I mean, Charlie, what happened, dude? 160 00:08:04,939 --> 00:08:08,192 I confused the shampoo with the Nair hair removal. 161 00:08:08,275 --> 00:08:10,361 And then, you know, it came off. 162 00:08:10,444 --> 00:08:13,614 Jesus Christ, man. And, Mac, why are you back in the closet? 163 00:08:13,697 --> 00:08:15,282 I wanted to appeal to the fly-over states. 164 00:08:15,366 --> 00:08:16,951 Go woke, go broke. That's what you always say. 165 00:08:17,034 --> 00:08:18,994 I don't say that, you say that, all right? 166 00:08:19,078 --> 00:08:21,372 And people were confused, all right? They think we're a couple. 167 00:08:21,455 --> 00:08:24,542 Oh. Okay. Well, maybe America is ready for us. 168 00:08:25,584 --> 00:08:28,212 There is no us. Mac, stop trying to groom me, okay? 169 00:08:28,295 --> 00:08:30,381 And please stop saying, "Go woke, go broke." 170 00:08:30,464 --> 00:08:31,882 What'd we get? What was our score? 171 00:08:31,966 --> 00:08:33,676 - Twenty-two. - Out of what? 172 00:08:33,759 --> 00:08:35,511 Out of a goddamn 100! 173 00:08:35,594 --> 00:08:37,805 - Oh, is that low? - Yeah… That's very low. 174 00:08:37,888 --> 00:08:39,849 This is exactly what I was talking about. 175 00:08:39,932 --> 00:08:41,308 That's why I had a script. 176 00:08:41,392 --> 00:08:44,228 That being said, you know, some of these comments are a little bit confusing. 177 00:08:44,311 --> 00:08:46,689 I mean, like, they didn't like when I said, "Speak of the devil." 178 00:08:46,772 --> 00:08:49,024 I didn't like that either. You know, you shouldn't speak of Satan. 179 00:08:49,108 --> 00:08:51,610 - And you said, "speak of the devil." - He was speaking of the devil. 180 00:08:51,694 --> 00:08:53,696 - I heard that too. - It's a figure of speech. 181 00:08:53,779 --> 00:08:55,197 - Mmm. You were speaking of Satan. - Yeah. 182 00:08:55,281 --> 00:08:56,907 America doesn't like that, and I don't like that. 183 00:08:56,991 --> 00:08:58,701 - I don't like to represent… - I was speaking of the person… 184 00:08:58,784 --> 00:09:00,161 So who tested the highest? 185 00:09:00,244 --> 00:09:03,873 Well… Mac and Dee tested the highest, which is crazy. 186 00:09:03,956 --> 00:09:05,624 - Oh! - Oh, yeah! 187 00:09:05,708 --> 00:09:07,710 - Well, well done. - I didn't say you tested high. 188 00:09:07,793 --> 00:09:09,462 I said you tested the highest, you know. 189 00:09:09,545 --> 00:09:12,715 Unbelievably, they thought Dee was funny, except for the goddamn Chinaman comment. 190 00:09:12,798 --> 00:09:14,300 Which was completely inappropriate, bitch. 191 00:09:14,383 --> 00:09:16,927 Listen, I can take a note. I'll go woke and I'll switch to clean comedy. 192 00:09:17,011 --> 00:09:19,221 How about no comedy at all, okay? That's what's woke. 193 00:09:19,305 --> 00:09:21,766 I mean, awaken to the fact that you're just not funny. 194 00:09:21,849 --> 00:09:22,850 - Hmm. - Nah. 195 00:09:22,933 --> 00:09:24,351 - Dennis, what'd they like about me? - Yeah. 196 00:09:25,186 --> 00:09:28,355 This one wanted to hear more about your bad boy tendencies? 197 00:09:28,439 --> 00:09:30,441 - These have to be a mistake. - I am a bad boy. 198 00:09:30,524 --> 00:09:32,443 Yeah. So you're gonna stick with the straight thing? 199 00:09:32,526 --> 00:09:34,153 - I don't know. We'll see. - It's working for you. 200 00:09:34,236 --> 00:09:36,614 - What'd they think about me? - Well, they thought you had cancer. 201 00:09:36,697 --> 00:09:38,157 Why? 202 00:09:38,240 --> 00:09:40,868 - Because you do look like you have cancer. - Mmm. 203 00:09:40,951 --> 00:09:42,787 And they were confused about the volleyballs. 204 00:09:42,870 --> 00:09:45,664 - I mean, they didn't know what that was. - That's crazy. What else confused them? 205 00:09:45,748 --> 00:09:46,791 Goddamn everything! I mean, 206 00:09:46,874 --> 00:09:50,002 they were very confused about mine and Mac's living arrangement for some reason. 207 00:09:50,085 --> 00:09:53,005 Hey, uh, quick question. Who scored the lowest? 208 00:09:53,088 --> 00:09:54,089 Oh. 209 00:09:54,173 --> 00:09:55,508 Uh… 210 00:09:55,591 --> 00:09:57,510 - That's just completely unclear. - Can I see that? 211 00:09:57,593 --> 00:09:59,094 - Just for a second. - You know… No. 212 00:09:59,178 --> 00:10:01,555 You're not gonna get any information from it, Dee. 213 00:10:01,639 --> 00:10:02,807 - It was Dennis. - It was Dennis? 214 00:10:02,890 --> 00:10:05,976 Yeah, of course it was. Yeah. They thought he was bossy and he looked old. 215 00:10:06,811 --> 00:10:08,354 I mean, somebody has to be the boss, right? 216 00:10:08,437 --> 00:10:10,606 - Of dinner? - "Why was the old man so bossy? 217 00:10:10,689 --> 00:10:11,816 He looked haggard." 218 00:10:11,899 --> 00:10:13,400 No, no, no. You're… Now you're making stuff up. 219 00:10:13,484 --> 00:10:14,777 "His features were so sunken, 220 00:10:14,860 --> 00:10:18,656 - it was hard to concentrate on the story." - Old? Haggard? No, these are… 221 00:10:18,739 --> 00:10:20,574 No. That was a lighting thing. 222 00:10:20,658 --> 00:10:23,035 I gave you guys the best lighting because I knew I looked the best, 223 00:10:23,118 --> 00:10:25,454 and I wanted you guys to look good too. And I wanted them to… 224 00:10:25,538 --> 00:10:28,207 They… No. Old? Come on. That's completely insane. 225 00:10:29,917 --> 00:10:31,669 Get your shit together! 226 00:10:35,506 --> 00:10:37,591 Okay. Thank you all for coming. Uh… 227 00:10:37,675 --> 00:10:42,721 Most of you are new, and I think some of you may have been at the last show. 228 00:10:43,305 --> 00:10:47,226 I guess you wanted to see this again. That's… That's good, I suppose. 229 00:10:47,852 --> 00:10:49,812 Uh, well, for those of you who are new… 230 00:10:49,895 --> 00:10:50,896 Ooh. 231 00:10:50,980 --> 00:10:52,523 Great crowd out there. 232 00:10:53,357 --> 00:10:54,567 - What are you wearing? - Oh. 233 00:10:54,650 --> 00:10:56,902 I'm going for the bad guy in Commando look. 234 00:10:56,986 --> 00:10:58,612 You know, like, "Who's straighter than that?" 235 00:10:58,696 --> 00:10:59,947 Dude, you look like Freddie Mercury. 236 00:11:00,030 --> 00:11:01,907 Oh, cool. He's like the straightest man alive. 237 00:11:01,991 --> 00:11:04,577 He couldn't have been more gay. I mean, he was in a band called Queen. 238 00:11:04,660 --> 00:11:07,204 You know what? If you want to look straight, go grab the duster or something. 239 00:11:07,288 --> 00:11:09,832 - What's with the face tape? - This? Well, it's just, you know… 240 00:11:09,915 --> 00:11:11,792 It's a way to kind of tighten the skin up a little bit. 241 00:11:11,876 --> 00:11:14,420 Give me a more youthful appearance. You know what I mean? 242 00:11:14,503 --> 00:11:15,504 Okay. 243 00:11:16,088 --> 00:11:17,214 What is this? 244 00:11:17,298 --> 00:11:19,633 It's just a clean comedy look. It's classic. 245 00:11:20,843 --> 00:11:23,679 Can we not, okay? I mean, a rubber chicken? 246 00:11:23,762 --> 00:11:25,014 - Are you ser… - Yeah. Come on. 247 00:11:25,097 --> 00:11:27,266 - Is this tape coming off? Goddamn it. - You got tape on your face? 248 00:11:27,349 --> 00:11:29,602 - Yeah, and it's not sticking very well. - I think you need more. 249 00:11:30,144 --> 00:11:31,395 You think I need more of it? 250 00:11:31,478 --> 00:11:34,231 Well, yeah. You said you wanted to look youthful, yeah? 251 00:11:34,315 --> 00:11:37,234 Yeah. I don't want to look crazy. Maybe I'll just tighten it up a little bit. 252 00:11:37,318 --> 00:11:38,777 - Yeah. - A little bit. Yeah. 253 00:11:38,861 --> 00:11:40,487 - Yeah. Okay. All right. - Yeah. 254 00:11:40,571 --> 00:11:43,407 So, without further ado, let's begin. 255 00:11:50,080 --> 00:11:51,081 Oh. 256 00:11:57,171 --> 00:11:58,172 Stop. 257 00:12:05,346 --> 00:12:06,680 Uh-oh. 258 00:12:11,769 --> 00:12:16,398 Well. Here we are. Uh… I sure am excited to see Frank. 259 00:12:16,482 --> 00:12:18,567 Oh, gosh. I can't wait to meet the lucky lady. 260 00:12:18,651 --> 00:12:20,694 Yeah. Frank likes her, I'll like her. 261 00:12:20,778 --> 00:12:22,237 - Okay. - Yeah. I wonder where they are. 262 00:12:22,321 --> 00:12:26,241 Oh, well, our lovable old pal Charlie's on his way over with them right now. 263 00:12:27,409 --> 00:12:29,620 - Oh. - Look at that. 264 00:12:29,703 --> 00:12:32,915 Speak of the… Speak of the guy. 265 00:12:32,998 --> 00:12:33,999 Mm-hmm. 266 00:12:34,083 --> 00:12:35,250 Here they are. Oh, it's open. 267 00:12:35,876 --> 00:12:37,586 Hello, everybody. 268 00:12:39,797 --> 00:12:42,174 Say hello to Frank and Frank's date. 269 00:12:43,425 --> 00:12:44,468 Heya, gang. 270 00:12:45,386 --> 00:12:47,346 - I'm getting paid for this, right? - Yeah, yeah. 271 00:12:48,472 --> 00:12:50,766 Well, come on in. Hey, Charlie. How you doin', man? 272 00:12:50,849 --> 00:12:53,686 Not sure why you're doing that accent, you know? 273 00:12:53,769 --> 00:12:56,063 Pretty confusing, you know. I must not have heard you correctly, 274 00:12:56,146 --> 00:12:57,940 because you are from right here in Philadelphia. 275 00:12:58,023 --> 00:12:59,900 - No, that's not true actually. - It is. 276 00:12:59,984 --> 00:13:02,486 No, I'm from Eastern European territory. 277 00:13:02,569 --> 00:13:04,530 Uh… So, what's for dinner? 278 00:13:04,613 --> 00:13:06,323 Beet soup, I hope. 279 00:13:06,407 --> 00:13:08,075 - Stop it. - What are you doing? 280 00:13:08,158 --> 00:13:11,203 I'm just talking in my natural European way. 281 00:13:11,286 --> 00:13:13,580 I like it, because white people doing funny accents is not woke. 282 00:13:13,664 --> 00:13:14,707 I thought we were doing woke. 283 00:13:14,790 --> 00:13:15,874 Shut up! 284 00:13:18,210 --> 00:13:19,586 Sorry about that. 285 00:13:20,462 --> 00:13:23,465 So, Frank and Frank's date, I'm Dennis. 286 00:13:23,966 --> 00:13:29,138 Um… I live here with Mac in a totally age-appropriate and platonic relationship. 287 00:13:29,221 --> 00:13:32,349 But like you, Frank, I hope to meet my special someone someday. 288 00:13:32,433 --> 00:13:33,600 Meh. 289 00:13:33,684 --> 00:13:34,685 Yeah. 290 00:13:37,730 --> 00:13:39,273 - Where the hell did that come from? - Oh. 291 00:13:41,859 --> 00:13:44,862 Oh, okay. It was funny. It was funny. 292 00:13:44,945 --> 00:13:47,573 When I'm not palling around with Dennis platonically in the bedroom, 293 00:13:47,656 --> 00:13:50,868 I like to strap on my leathers and perform badass stunts. 294 00:13:50,951 --> 00:13:53,078 Would anyone like to see a backflip? 295 00:13:56,582 --> 00:13:59,168 Okay. Well, hey now, let's not encourage him. 296 00:13:59,251 --> 00:14:00,252 He can't actually do one. 297 00:14:00,335 --> 00:14:01,795 - He can't. - Right? No, he can't. 298 00:14:06,592 --> 00:14:10,596 So, guys, guess how much me and this broad banged boots? 299 00:14:10,679 --> 00:14:11,680 Tell 'em, honey. 300 00:14:12,181 --> 00:14:13,515 - What are you doing? - Do I have a line? 301 00:14:13,599 --> 00:14:14,933 - No. - I didn't get a script. 302 00:14:15,017 --> 00:14:17,060 No. Artemis, can you stick to the script? 303 00:14:17,144 --> 00:14:19,438 The script's a little thin, so I'm trying to just ad-lib. 304 00:14:22,024 --> 00:14:23,358 What are you doing? 305 00:14:23,442 --> 00:14:25,152 I'm doing a goddamn backflip. 306 00:14:25,235 --> 00:14:26,236 You can't stop me. 307 00:14:26,320 --> 00:14:28,947 Because the power of Christ compels me. 308 00:14:29,031 --> 00:14:30,783 - Badass. - Stop. 309 00:14:33,327 --> 00:14:34,369 Oh, no. Oh. 310 00:14:39,166 --> 00:14:41,418 Seventy-five. Am I reading that right? 311 00:14:41,502 --> 00:14:43,921 - Yeah. That's a big improvement. - Wow. We did great. 312 00:14:44,004 --> 00:14:47,007 It was a goddamn circus. What are you guys talking about? 313 00:14:47,090 --> 00:14:50,260 No… Charlie, why did you do an accent? 314 00:14:50,344 --> 00:14:52,888 Well, dude, I look weird. I don't feel like myself. 315 00:14:52,971 --> 00:14:54,306 So I figured I'd be someone different. 316 00:14:54,389 --> 00:14:57,392 Like that funny cousin in Perfect Strangers? Remember that guy? 317 00:14:57,476 --> 00:14:59,061 - Yes. - Yeah. No, I like you doing a character, 318 00:14:59,144 --> 00:15:00,896 but don't make it funny. I got the jokes covered. 319 00:15:00,979 --> 00:15:02,439 - Oh. Do you, Dee? - I'm the funny… 320 00:15:02,523 --> 00:15:04,149 Do you? Because this card says, 321 00:15:04,233 --> 00:15:07,444 "The one in the plaid suit seemed sad and desperate. 322 00:15:07,528 --> 00:15:09,905 And I was only laughing because I was so uncomfortable." 323 00:15:09,988 --> 00:15:11,615 Oh, yeah? You know what this one says? 324 00:15:11,698 --> 00:15:13,659 - What? - "What's with the angry man 325 00:15:13,742 --> 00:15:16,161 with the old face who's constantly yelling at his boyfriend?" 326 00:15:16,245 --> 00:15:18,539 I could not have made it more clear that he's not my boyfriend! 327 00:15:18,622 --> 00:15:20,749 - You kept saying it over and over. - Oh, my God. 328 00:15:20,833 --> 00:15:24,378 And how could I possibly look old? I mean, no. 329 00:15:24,461 --> 00:15:25,754 Who scored the highest? 330 00:15:25,838 --> 00:15:27,172 I think you did. 331 00:15:27,256 --> 00:15:28,715 Oh, yeah? Let me see. 332 00:15:29,967 --> 00:15:34,513 "I love when the vampire slayer busted out the crucifix on his old vampire lover." 333 00:15:35,180 --> 00:15:37,975 Me? "Old vampire lover"? 334 00:15:38,058 --> 00:15:41,353 Let's lean into that. Yeah, I can be like a vanilla Blade, 335 00:15:41,436 --> 00:15:43,438 and I could stab you in the heart with the crucifix and be… 336 00:15:43,522 --> 00:15:45,524 - Stop! Goddamn it. - And then you kiss… 337 00:15:45,607 --> 00:15:46,900 For the love of God, stop. 338 00:15:47,818 --> 00:15:49,236 Okay, all right. You know what? 339 00:15:49,820 --> 00:15:52,322 You two will limit your exchanges 340 00:15:52,406 --> 00:15:55,325 to "hello,"yes" and "no." And that's it. 341 00:15:55,409 --> 00:15:59,162 And the rest of you will refrain from doing accents or personas of any kind. 342 00:15:59,246 --> 00:16:00,956 I will do all the costumes, hair and makeup. 343 00:16:01,039 --> 00:16:03,584 And there will be no other surprises at all. 344 00:16:03,667 --> 00:16:08,922 And so help me God, we will get this right! 345 00:16:10,507 --> 00:16:12,217 I mean, I get a vampire vibe off that, right? 346 00:16:12,301 --> 00:16:14,094 - Do you not? - We're gonna get slashed. 347 00:16:14,177 --> 00:16:16,054 Yeah, like a Count Dracula thing. 348 00:16:17,973 --> 00:16:19,474 Okay. Thank you all for coming. 349 00:16:19,558 --> 00:16:23,061 I see mostly familiar faces, so welcome back. 350 00:16:23,937 --> 00:16:24,938 That crowd is amped. 351 00:16:25,022 --> 00:16:26,023 - Yeah, well… - Oh, yeah? 352 00:16:26,106 --> 00:16:28,025 …too bad Dennis cut everything they liked. 353 00:16:28,108 --> 00:16:32,362 Come on, Dee. No, trust me. Trust me. Guys, this is exactly what America wants. 354 00:16:32,446 --> 00:16:35,032 Didn't it start, like, here, and then go up and over? Like it would… 355 00:16:35,115 --> 00:16:37,618 - No, no. I mean, you're not a werewolf. - I'm thinking of Teen Wolf, aren't I? 356 00:16:37,701 --> 00:16:39,953 - I think so. Yeah. - I'm just blown away, man. 357 00:16:40,037 --> 00:16:42,581 I just, like, don't know how you got the wig that good, you know? 358 00:16:42,664 --> 00:16:44,625 Like, do you wear a wig? This is crazy, dude. 359 00:16:45,459 --> 00:16:48,211 Do I wear a wig? No. Nonsense. 360 00:16:48,295 --> 00:16:49,504 - For real, though. Do you? - Stop! 361 00:16:49,588 --> 00:16:53,592 Dude. All right, fine, man. I'm just thinking, it's so good, man. 362 00:16:53,675 --> 00:16:55,218 - Just… - All right, the show's gonna start. 363 00:16:55,302 --> 00:16:57,512 Do you have time to do yourself, and then we'll get going? 364 00:16:57,596 --> 00:16:59,097 What do you mean? I did do me. 365 00:16:59,181 --> 00:17:02,059 - Oh, you're all done? - Yeah, I put the… Do I need more tape? 366 00:17:02,142 --> 00:17:03,352 Uh… Well… 367 00:17:07,314 --> 00:17:08,732 Oh. 368 00:17:08,815 --> 00:17:10,651 - We should bow. We should bow. - Absolutely. 369 00:17:11,151 --> 00:17:13,236 - No, don't bow. Don't bow. - But they're clapping so much. 370 00:17:13,320 --> 00:17:15,948 I know. Don't, like… Don't even notice that they're there. 371 00:17:24,498 --> 00:17:25,874 - You take my chicken? - Mm-hmm. 372 00:17:26,875 --> 00:17:30,754 Mac. I bet you have a boom box under that table, don't you? 373 00:17:30,837 --> 00:17:32,673 - Nope. - Yeah, you do. Let me see it. 374 00:17:32,756 --> 00:17:34,299 - I don't have one. - Let me see it. 375 00:17:34,800 --> 00:17:36,426 - You better do it, dude. - Just do it. 376 00:17:36,510 --> 00:17:40,138 I was… I was gonna play a cool song. 377 00:17:40,222 --> 00:17:43,225 - Let's see what you were gonna play. - It was fun and cool. 378 00:17:43,308 --> 00:17:45,102 - Kid Rock. How fun. - Bawitdaba… 379 00:17:45,185 --> 00:17:46,895 But we're not doing that. This is gonna be a classy evening, 380 00:17:46,979 --> 00:17:49,314 so I came prepared with something a little different. 381 00:17:51,358 --> 00:17:52,401 Oh. 382 00:17:53,652 --> 00:17:56,488 There we go. Isn't that nice? 383 00:17:56,571 --> 00:17:57,906 - I guess. - Yeah. 384 00:17:57,990 --> 00:18:02,536 Well, here we are. I'm so excited to see Frank. 385 00:18:03,662 --> 00:18:06,415 Yeah. Uh… I can't wait to meet the lucky lady. 386 00:18:06,498 --> 00:18:07,666 Mmm. 387 00:18:07,749 --> 00:18:09,835 - If Frank likes her, I'll like her. - Yeah. 388 00:18:09,918 --> 00:18:11,044 So where are they? 389 00:18:13,088 --> 00:18:16,300 Oh. Here they are. Speak of… It's open. 390 00:18:19,928 --> 00:18:21,930 Well, hello. Hey, guys. 391 00:18:22,014 --> 00:18:23,265 Welcome. Come on in. 392 00:18:23,348 --> 00:18:25,183 Yeah, close the door. Yeah. Good. 393 00:18:25,267 --> 00:18:26,893 - Like we rehearsed. - Hello. 394 00:18:26,977 --> 00:18:27,978 Hello. 395 00:18:28,061 --> 00:18:31,023 Wonderful. Well, I'm Dennis. 396 00:18:31,690 --> 00:18:34,860 And, uh, this is my apartment. I live here with my friend, Mac. 397 00:18:34,943 --> 00:18:38,363 My longtime friend. But not eternal, you know. 398 00:18:38,447 --> 00:18:42,743 'Cause we're not vampires. Obviously. 399 00:18:42,826 --> 00:18:45,162 That… That'd be crazy. Um… 400 00:18:47,831 --> 00:18:49,916 But, yeah. Soon to have our own places. 401 00:18:50,000 --> 00:18:53,962 Uh, but not because we're poor. Uh, but because we're economically savvy. 402 00:18:54,046 --> 00:18:56,590 And… But still quite young. 403 00:18:59,718 --> 00:19:00,886 Oh, Dee, you-you were saying? 404 00:19:03,597 --> 00:19:06,683 Hi, I'm Dee. Frank was a great father. 405 00:19:06,767 --> 00:19:07,768 No. 406 00:19:10,437 --> 00:19:12,564 You got a great sense of humor, Frank. No. 407 00:19:13,774 --> 00:19:15,275 Hey, Charlie. You had a… 408 00:19:15,359 --> 00:19:17,235 Oh. Uh… 409 00:19:17,319 --> 00:19:19,279 Shoot, do I have a line? 410 00:19:19,363 --> 00:19:22,657 No, you were just gonna say something off the cuff, I think. 411 00:19:22,741 --> 00:19:25,535 Uh, I don't remember what it…- I'll make something up. Um… 412 00:19:25,619 --> 00:19:27,871 Hey, Frank's date. Where are you from? 413 00:19:27,954 --> 00:19:29,206 Uh… 414 00:19:29,289 --> 00:19:30,749 Hello, hello. 415 00:19:31,416 --> 00:19:34,753 - Yes. Hello, hi. Hi, hello. Yeah, hi! - Hello. 416 00:19:34,836 --> 00:19:36,338 - Hi! - Hi! Hello! 417 00:19:36,421 --> 00:19:37,798 What is this? 418 00:19:38,340 --> 00:19:39,424 It's, uh… 419 00:19:39,508 --> 00:19:41,885 Well, you don't talk. I mean, what are you doing, man? 420 00:19:41,968 --> 00:19:44,137 The audience never talks to the cast of the show. 421 00:19:44,221 --> 00:19:47,015 Perhaps a flip to lighten the mood? 422 00:19:47,099 --> 00:19:48,558 - Yeah. - Yes. 423 00:19:49,142 --> 00:19:52,062 No, no, no, no, no. You're not gonna do a flip. 424 00:19:52,145 --> 00:19:55,315 Because it doesn't make sense to do a flip in the middle of a dinner for no reason. 425 00:19:55,399 --> 00:19:57,484 - Let your boyfriend flip. - Yeah! 426 00:19:57,984 --> 00:20:00,237 - He's not my boyfriend! - I'm with this guy. Let him flip. 427 00:20:00,320 --> 00:20:01,488 What are you doing? 428 00:20:01,571 --> 00:20:03,156 - Stop it. - And add one flip. You know what I mean? 429 00:20:03,240 --> 00:20:05,909 - Let him do just one flip. - All right, I'll do one. A quick accent. 430 00:20:05,992 --> 00:20:08,120 No, you're not listening! You don't understand! 431 00:20:16,962 --> 00:20:18,255 You're not getting this. 432 00:20:20,465 --> 00:20:21,466 We are not lovers. 433 00:20:23,468 --> 00:20:25,053 We're simply roommates, you see. 434 00:20:25,137 --> 00:20:28,598 It's not so difficult to understand. Not so difficult at all. 435 00:20:29,599 --> 00:20:35,313 Two men entwined only by the walls that house us and the passage of time. 436 00:20:35,397 --> 00:20:37,315 That is all. Nothing more. 437 00:20:39,067 --> 00:20:43,405 We are all classy men and women alike. 438 00:20:43,488 --> 00:20:46,575 But none more classy than me. Refined and dignified 439 00:20:46,658 --> 00:20:49,035 and not the least bit abnormal in any way. 440 00:20:49,119 --> 00:20:51,705 I need you to see this. 441 00:20:53,248 --> 00:20:54,583 Yes? 442 00:20:54,666 --> 00:20:58,879 All is well and palatable and good. 443 00:21:00,964 --> 00:21:01,965 You must know this 444 00:21:02,048 --> 00:21:05,886 and you must reflect it as such on the cards that you've been given. 445 00:21:06,970 --> 00:21:09,848 Do you understand? I need this of you. 446 00:21:12,225 --> 00:21:13,810 You must make it so. 447 00:21:17,814 --> 00:21:19,483 There was another show… 448 00:21:22,068 --> 00:21:23,361 by the name of Family Fight 449 00:21:23,445 --> 00:21:26,823 and I was not properly represented on that show 450 00:21:26,907 --> 00:21:32,829 and I cannot and will……not abide another failure of that magnitude. 451 00:21:40,253 --> 00:21:47,052 I just need you to see me as……I am. 452 00:21:49,971 --> 00:21:53,642 I need this. I need this from you. 453 00:21:54,851 --> 00:21:56,353 I… 454 00:21:59,648 --> 00:22:04,861 I need this from you. Please. 455 00:22:05,987 --> 00:22:07,155 This is amazing. 456 00:22:07,239 --> 00:22:08,949 What the fuck's he doing? 457 00:22:12,077 --> 00:22:15,705 So that's why you've been so crazed? Because you panicked on Family Fight? 458 00:22:15,789 --> 00:22:18,458 Yes, dude. You don't understand the humiliation. 459 00:22:18,542 --> 00:22:20,043 I hope for your sake you never do. 460 00:22:20,126 --> 00:22:21,545 Dee, how'd we score this time? 461 00:22:21,628 --> 00:22:23,129 - Oh. - Uh… 462 00:22:23,213 --> 00:22:25,465 - Three. - Three what? 463 00:22:25,549 --> 00:22:27,008 The number three out of a hundred. 464 00:22:27,092 --> 00:22:28,677 - That's it? - Yeah, they hated it. 465 00:22:28,760 --> 00:22:30,637 Dennis scared the shit out of 'em. 466 00:22:30,720 --> 00:22:33,682 Well, look, man, forget it. Like, can we just be us, okay? 467 00:22:33,765 --> 00:22:36,434 We're trying to please everybody and, like, that never works, man. 468 00:22:36,518 --> 00:22:38,562 Like people need to get ya or they don't get ya. 469 00:22:38,645 --> 00:22:40,105 - You know what I'm saying? - Yes. 470 00:22:40,605 --> 00:22:41,982 All right. Yeah. 471 00:22:42,065 --> 00:22:44,526 Does anybody else think it's weird that they haven't showed up yet? 472 00:22:45,026 --> 00:22:46,570 - That who hasn't showed up? - Yeah. 473 00:22:48,029 --> 00:22:49,823 Frank, the producers. The entire TV show. 474 00:22:49,906 --> 00:22:52,409 I mean, we've been doing this whole thing for a while now. 475 00:22:52,492 --> 00:22:55,203 Oh, shit. Yeah, they should've been here by now. What's it been, like, a week? 476 00:22:55,287 --> 00:22:56,580 It's been a month. 477 00:22:57,080 --> 00:22:59,249 - We've been doing this for a month? - Yeah, it's been a month. 478 00:22:59,332 --> 00:23:01,960 - I think it's been a solid month. - Look up the show. Look it up. 479 00:23:02,043 --> 00:23:03,878 I'm gonna look it up. Give me a sec. 480 00:23:06,506 --> 00:23:08,466 That episode aired two weeks ago. 481 00:23:08,550 --> 00:23:10,010 - That's the hometown visit? - Yes. 482 00:23:10,093 --> 00:23:11,136 What the… 483 00:23:11,219 --> 00:23:13,972 This is a big day for me! I can't wait to see my… 484 00:23:14,055 --> 00:23:18,727 Oh! There's my family. Ah! It's so, so nice to see you. 485 00:23:18,810 --> 00:23:21,062 - Dad. - It's so good to see you. 486 00:23:21,146 --> 00:23:22,355 - Guys. - What the… 487 00:23:22,439 --> 00:23:24,316 - Who the hell are these people? - He replaced us. 488 00:23:24,399 --> 00:23:27,193 - He replaced us? - It is so good to see you. 489 00:23:27,694 --> 00:23:31,489 They would never do anything to embarrass me in any way. 490 00:23:31,573 --> 00:23:32,907 - Dude. - Yeah. 491 00:23:33,450 --> 00:23:36,119 I guess he went woke. And he didn't go broke.