1 00:00:07,710 --> 00:00:10,913 Man, something ain't right. I think I'm getting cold feet. 2 00:00:10,946 --> 00:00:13,149 What do you mean, man? I thought Sam was your soulmate. 3 00:00:13,182 --> 00:00:15,618 You know, I don't even know where to begin with this thing, honestly. 4 00:00:15,651 --> 00:00:17,920 You know what, why don't you just tie it in a double knot 5 00:00:17,953 --> 00:00:19,955 and go Colonel Sanders style? 6 00:00:19,988 --> 00:00:22,258 Well, it ain't that. I'm-I'm crazy about her. 7 00:00:22,291 --> 00:00:23,926 Last night we did it in a pond. 8 00:00:23,959 --> 00:00:26,228 Frogs croaking... 9 00:00:26,261 --> 00:00:28,030 mud in our toes. 10 00:00:28,063 --> 00:00:30,566 And there was a Starbucks in the... in the distance, 11 00:00:30,599 --> 00:00:32,768 and I made eye contact with the clerk. 12 00:00:32,801 --> 00:00:34,136 He knew what was up. 13 00:00:34,169 --> 00:00:36,005 Maybe we should just get some clip-on ones. 14 00:00:36,038 --> 00:00:37,673 - I'll take a Sanders. - No, we're not doing a... 15 00:00:37,706 --> 00:00:39,742 We're not doing Colonel Sanders bow ties, okay? 16 00:00:39,775 --> 00:00:42,178 That's-That's gonna look crazy, okay? 17 00:00:42,211 --> 00:00:44,246 Mac, does your mom have to smoke in here? 18 00:00:44,279 --> 00:00:46,048 Jesus, our tuxes are gonna reek. 19 00:00:46,081 --> 00:00:47,950 You're the one that banished her to the kitchen 20 00:00:47,983 --> 00:00:50,119 because she's not one of the groomsmen, dude. 21 00:00:50,152 --> 00:00:52,121 I could have her sit by the window and we could switch if you want, 22 00:00:52,154 --> 00:00:54,223 but she's already got her ten steps in for the day. 23 00:00:54,256 --> 00:00:56,525 I don't want her here at all. 24 00:00:56,558 --> 00:00:59,261 Have a heart, dude. She lost her best friend. Right, Mom? 25 00:01:00,996 --> 00:01:03,032 Yo. Hey, sorry I'm late, guys. 26 00:01:03,065 --> 00:01:05,134 I couldn't get the stupid tie, so I just kinda went KFC with it. 27 00:01:05,167 --> 00:01:06,836 - Yeah, it's a good look. - Goddamn it. 28 00:01:06,869 --> 00:01:08,604 You going with that? It's not bad, right? 29 00:01:08,637 --> 00:01:10,906 - What are you holding? - Huh? Oh, it's my mom. 30 00:01:10,939 --> 00:01:13,609 Yeah, I feel like we never really properly mourned her passing. 31 00:01:13,642 --> 00:01:16,545 So I thought maybe we could do something cool with her ashes at the wedding. 32 00:01:16,578 --> 00:01:19,014 No. No, we acknowledged this already, man. 33 00:01:19,047 --> 00:01:21,884 Remember the other day I was like, "Oh, your mom died." 34 00:01:21,917 --> 00:01:24,086 And I gave you a little pat on the back, and I was like, "Aw." 35 00:01:24,119 --> 00:01:26,756 And then I had a tear in my eye. 36 00:01:26,789 --> 00:01:29,759 - Yeah, well, I saw your onion, dude. - Yeah, well... 37 00:01:29,792 --> 00:01:32,094 You had the onion, kinda rubbed it on your eye, you know... 38 00:01:32,127 --> 00:01:34,263 - I knew what you were doing. - Sure, yeah, there was an onion. 39 00:01:34,296 --> 00:01:36,832 - There was an onion. - But I brought that for you, pal. 40 00:01:36,865 --> 00:01:39,502 - He said he was gonna bring it for you. - But it just cheapens it. 41 00:01:39,535 --> 00:01:42,605 I know, but do you think it's easy to know when and when not to bring an onion? 42 00:01:42,638 --> 00:01:44,807 Do you have an onion on you right now? 43 00:01:44,840 --> 00:01:46,976 - No, because I didn't know you were gonna... - I can smell the onion. 44 00:01:47,009 --> 00:01:49,211 - He has the onion. He does, he does. - Well, it's good to have. 45 00:01:49,244 --> 00:01:52,014 Look, this is my chance to do something spectacular for my mom. 46 00:01:52,047 --> 00:01:55,084 I mean, there's gonna be news, there's gonna be cameras, you know. 47 00:01:55,117 --> 00:01:59,088 No, no, but-but... Okay, but cameras being there is precisely why I don't want you 48 00:01:59,121 --> 00:02:02,258 doing something spectacular with your dead mother's remains, Charlie. 49 00:02:02,291 --> 00:02:04,894 I mean, come on, man. Plus, this is Frank's big day. 50 00:02:04,927 --> 00:02:06,829 - Right? Can we just focus on that? - Yeah. 51 00:02:06,862 --> 00:02:09,098 - We should focus on him. - All right, all right. Yeah, yeah. 52 00:02:09,131 --> 00:02:12,702 So no cold feet, you know? No, uh... fried chicken bow ties. 53 00:02:12,735 --> 00:02:15,571 And for the love of God, I mean, last thing we need is for this wedding 54 00:02:15,604 --> 00:02:18,741 to come off as some kind of funeral. 55 00:02:41,563 --> 00:02:44,200 Ugh, thank you, ladies, so much for helping me with this. 56 00:02:44,233 --> 00:02:46,268 Mmm. So, the old hag has no friends? 57 00:02:46,301 --> 00:02:49,271 Nope, and I'll tell you why. She's a con woman. 58 00:02:49,304 --> 00:02:51,574 Bitch told me she had chicken money, but guess what? 59 00:02:51,607 --> 00:02:54,243 I was thinking that was, like, Perdue or Sanderson Farms. 60 00:02:54,276 --> 00:02:56,812 No, she was talking about rubber chickens. What? 61 00:02:56,845 --> 00:02:59,081 Everybody knows there's no money in rubber chickens. 62 00:02:59,114 --> 00:03:01,650 She's planning on bleeding Frank dry, and I'm not gonna have it. 63 00:03:01,683 --> 00:03:03,619 Okay, what does any of this have to do with us? 64 00:03:03,652 --> 00:03:06,522 You guys are gonna help me stop this wedding. 65 00:03:06,555 --> 00:03:08,657 - Done. - Yes! 66 00:03:08,690 --> 00:03:10,292 - That bitch is stealing my sidepiece. - She is. She's trying. 67 00:03:12,294 --> 00:03:13,929 - Oh. - When's the stripper get here? 68 00:03:13,962 --> 00:03:15,698 There's no strippers, Gail. 69 00:03:15,731 --> 00:03:17,633 - Then why are we doing this? - I just explained it. 70 00:03:17,666 --> 00:03:19,902 - I'll do it for your Vitamix. - What? 71 00:03:19,935 --> 00:03:22,271 There's no reason I should help you, so I'll do it for your blender. 72 00:03:22,304 --> 00:03:24,540 - Fine. - I'll take the colander. 73 00:03:24,573 --> 00:03:27,043 You... What... What happened to you being a-a-a scorned lover? 74 00:03:27,076 --> 00:03:28,978 I still need to strain spaghetti. 75 00:03:29,011 --> 00:03:31,947 Oh, hey, do you have one of those, uh, bottle openers 76 00:03:31,980 --> 00:03:34,050 that's shaped like a woman's vag? 77 00:03:34,083 --> 00:03:36,018 What are you... No, of course I don't. That's not a thing. 78 00:03:36,051 --> 00:03:38,220 It should be. 79 00:03:38,253 --> 00:03:40,723 I'll trade you a colander and a non-stick frying pan for the Vitamix. 80 00:03:40,756 --> 00:03:42,525 - Goddamn it. Just... - Deal. 81 00:03:42,558 --> 00:03:45,695 Put my stuff back, okay? Do not poach my entire kitchen. 82 00:03:45,728 --> 00:03:47,096 Knock that shit off. 83 00:03:47,129 --> 00:03:49,165 There she is! Happy wedding day! 84 00:03:49,198 --> 00:03:50,266 How are you feeling? 85 00:03:50,299 --> 00:03:51,934 Well, it's funny. 86 00:03:51,967 --> 00:03:54,603 I didn't sleep too good. I have a bad neck. 87 00:03:54,636 --> 00:03:56,739 Oh, you think we should call off the wedding? 88 00:03:56,772 --> 00:03:58,941 - Just kidding. Get on in here. - Come on! 89 00:03:58,974 --> 00:04:00,609 - Come on. - Okay, okay. 90 00:04:00,642 --> 00:04:02,812 - Oh, my God, soups... - Come on. 91 00:04:02,845 --> 00:04:05,047 Soup this... 92 00:04:06,815 --> 00:04:08,117 Who are these women? 93 00:04:08,150 --> 00:04:10,485 These are your bridesmaids. 94 00:04:11,220 --> 00:04:12,655 These are your friends? 95 00:04:12,688 --> 00:04:14,724 Not really. 96 00:04:14,757 --> 00:04:16,759 That dumb bitch. She's always joking around. 97 00:04:16,792 --> 00:04:18,561 Yeah, these are my friends, 98 00:04:18,594 --> 00:04:21,063 and I thought it would be great for you to get a load of, 99 00:04:21,096 --> 00:04:24,233 you know, the kind of people that you'll be hanging out with once you marry Frank. 100 00:04:24,266 --> 00:04:26,035 - Oh. - So, let's not waste any more time. 101 00:04:26,068 --> 00:04:28,104 We gotta get you into that wedding dress, huh? 102 00:04:28,137 --> 00:04:30,539 Get this party started. Okay. 103 00:04:30,572 --> 00:04:32,575 You put my shit back and don't be bitches. 104 00:04:32,608 --> 00:04:34,777 Okay, now, I like this. 105 00:04:34,810 --> 00:04:36,545 I think we'd get away with that. 106 00:04:37,146 --> 00:04:38,681 What? Those look insane. 107 00:04:38,714 --> 00:04:41,016 Did you guys cut them? 108 00:04:41,049 --> 00:04:43,185 Yeah, it's like a mini tie, right? Just make it like a little miniature tie. 109 00:04:43,218 --> 00:04:45,588 - You said cut the tie, so we cut... - I said tie the tie. 110 00:04:45,621 --> 00:04:47,857 - I can't feel my fingers. - Uh... really? 111 00:04:47,890 --> 00:04:49,225 Yeah. 112 00:04:49,258 --> 00:04:51,293 Whoa. Guys, his hands are cold as ice. 113 00:04:51,326 --> 00:04:53,629 Yeah, I... I think we better call off the wedding. 114 00:04:53,662 --> 00:04:55,264 I always listen to my body. 115 00:04:55,297 --> 00:04:56,999 That's true, dude. He always listens to his body. 116 00:04:57,032 --> 00:04:58,868 Frank, you have never once listened to your body. 117 00:04:58,901 --> 00:05:00,636 Look, buddy, you're just cold, okay? 118 00:05:00,669 --> 00:05:02,505 Charlie, get him in a hot shower, warm him up. 119 00:05:02,538 --> 00:05:05,107 Speaking of cutting things, what if I cut his shoes, right? 120 00:05:05,140 --> 00:05:08,010 So his toes are hanging out, gets a little more circulation going. 121 00:05:08,043 --> 00:05:11,614 Maybe I'll even cut his shirt, like, to here, and then his belly can breathe. 122 00:05:11,647 --> 00:05:15,217 Can we just keep things simple? Yeah? I mean, we've all got our roles here. 123 00:05:15,250 --> 00:05:17,653 Let's keep it simple, you know? 124 00:05:17,686 --> 00:05:20,856 Frank, you're the, uh, aging groom with one last shot at love, you know? 125 00:05:20,889 --> 00:05:23,926 Charlie, you're the best man who, uh, plays "Here Comes the Bride" 126 00:05:23,959 --> 00:05:26,128 on the keyboards as we walk down the aisle, you know? 127 00:05:26,161 --> 00:05:28,564 Me walking Frank down the aisle. 128 00:05:28,597 --> 00:05:31,067 Dee walking Sam, you know? Mac's the gay woke priest who weds them. 129 00:05:31,100 --> 00:05:33,803 What? No. Who... Who's gay? No one's gay. 130 00:05:33,836 --> 00:05:35,137 - No. - You're gay. 131 00:05:35,170 --> 00:05:37,540 - No! Me? I'm not gay. - What? 132 00:05:37,573 --> 00:05:40,042 - What are you talking about? - What is this guy talking about? 133 00:05:40,075 --> 00:05:43,546 My mom is right in the other room, so I just didn't wanna... 134 00:05:43,579 --> 00:05:44,746 I'm not gay. 135 00:05:45,414 --> 00:05:47,049 Have you not come out to your mom? 136 00:05:47,483 --> 00:05:49,285 And come up with a whole new dance? 137 00:05:49,318 --> 00:05:51,587 I don't even know if the choreographer is available. 138 00:05:51,620 --> 00:05:53,789 I have to come up with an entirely different repertoire. 139 00:05:53,822 --> 00:05:55,624 No, you don't. What are you talking about? 140 00:05:55,657 --> 00:05:57,793 - Yeah... - No. No, no, no, no. 141 00:05:57,826 --> 00:05:59,829 - Just... No... - See? You've upset her. 142 00:05:59,862 --> 00:06:02,131 Mo-Mom, uh, what-what you've heard is completely untrue. 143 00:06:02,164 --> 00:06:04,500 Mac's coming. He's got something to tell you. 144 00:06:04,533 --> 00:06:06,502 No, Mom. Mom. 145 00:06:06,535 --> 00:06:08,937 Mommy, Mommy, whatever you just heard is completely untrue. 146 00:06:10,972 --> 00:06:12,007 What is that? 147 00:06:12,908 --> 00:06:14,944 Oh, we've got problems. We've got huge problems. 148 00:06:14,977 --> 00:06:17,580 What is that? 149 00:06:17,613 --> 00:06:19,248 I'll tell you what it's not. It's not my mom's cigarettes, okay? 150 00:06:19,281 --> 00:06:21,083 I-I must have grabbed the wrong box at Uncle Jack's. 151 00:06:21,116 --> 00:06:23,219 I don't know, but she is freaking out, man. 152 00:06:23,252 --> 00:06:25,588 Okay, well, uh, why don't you just go buy her some more smokes? 153 00:06:25,621 --> 00:06:28,224 No, I can't... I can't just go buy her some more smokes. 154 00:06:28,257 --> 00:06:30,693 She smokes a-a discontinued brand from China. 155 00:06:30,726 --> 00:06:32,862 You can't afford that. Think of the tariffs. 156 00:06:32,895 --> 00:06:34,530 - The tariffs alone! - Okay... 157 00:06:34,563 --> 00:06:36,999 Guys, guys, bad news. His feet are still cold. 158 00:06:39,602 --> 00:06:41,037 You didn't take him out of the tux? 159 00:06:43,606 --> 00:06:46,609 Sam, these ladies were so sweet. They each got you a gift. 160 00:06:46,642 --> 00:06:48,611 - You're kidding. - We did? 161 00:06:48,644 --> 00:06:50,246 You sure did. Yeah. You probably just forgot. 162 00:06:50,279 --> 00:06:53,249 Have you and Frank ever had sex in a Dollar Tree bathroom? 163 00:06:53,282 --> 00:06:56,952 Well, we did it in a pond last night. 164 00:06:56,985 --> 00:06:59,055 The one that forms near the Starbucks? 165 00:06:59,088 --> 00:07:01,791 I never did that. Don't care for standing water. 166 00:07:01,824 --> 00:07:04,060 Well, you're missing out. 167 00:07:04,093 --> 00:07:06,195 Yeah, I did it in a waterfall once, 168 00:07:06,228 --> 00:07:07,897 but it turned out to be city runoff. 169 00:07:07,930 --> 00:07:09,532 So random. 170 00:07:09,565 --> 00:07:11,567 Yeah, maybe a little too random. 171 00:07:11,600 --> 00:07:13,569 Let's stay on topic here, okay? 172 00:07:13,602 --> 00:07:15,671 So anyway, the theme of the gifts, 173 00:07:15,704 --> 00:07:17,540 something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue. 174 00:07:17,573 --> 00:07:18,841 Blew deez nuts. 175 00:07:18,874 --> 00:07:20,576 Thank you for that. Okay. 176 00:07:20,609 --> 00:07:24,880 Uh, first gift is from Frank's niece, Gail, 177 00:07:24,913 --> 00:07:27,149 a woman who we refer to as a snail. 178 00:07:27,182 --> 00:07:29,651 - Ha-ha. Yup-yup. - Interesting. 179 00:07:30,052 --> 00:07:33,655 - Oh, uh, what am I looking at here, Snail? —Hmm? 180 00:07:34,256 --> 00:07:35,591 Shit if I know. 181 00:07:35,624 --> 00:07:37,727 Yeah. Okay. Of course you know. 182 00:07:37,760 --> 00:07:41,130 It's something old. It's an old photo of Frank and Gail. 183 00:07:41,163 --> 00:07:42,765 - Mmm. - That, of course, 184 00:07:42,798 --> 00:07:44,599 is before they started having sexual relations. 185 00:07:45,868 --> 00:07:47,536 - Wh-What? - Oh, yeah. 186 00:07:47,569 --> 00:07:49,939 Frank did a ton of real gross sex stuff 187 00:07:49,972 --> 00:07:53,042 with the daughter of his wife's sister. 188 00:07:53,075 --> 00:07:55,611 Just hand stuff. Pretty random. 189 00:07:55,644 --> 00:07:58,847 Uh, moving on, this next gift is from The Waitress. 190 00:07:59,348 --> 00:08:02,218 Oh, Waitress. Is that your name? 191 00:08:02,251 --> 00:08:04,053 No, my name is... 192 00:08:04,086 --> 00:08:05,888 Will you shut up and let her open her present? My God. 193 00:08:05,921 --> 00:08:07,623 Well, look at that. 194 00:08:07,656 --> 00:08:09,792 What is this? This looks like it's a... 195 00:08:09,825 --> 00:08:12,228 Oh. It's a copy of a court summons for Frank. Okay. 196 00:08:12,261 --> 00:08:14,864 Oh, yeah, I'm suing the shit out of Frank. 197 00:08:14,897 --> 00:08:16,999 - Huh. - Oh, why? 198 00:08:17,032 --> 00:08:18,834 Oh, 'cause he owes me a Cybertruck. 199 00:08:18,867 --> 00:08:21,670 Oh, yes, I do remember that now. I do. 200 00:08:21,703 --> 00:08:25,141 The funny thing here is that that's one of many legal snafus 201 00:08:25,174 --> 00:08:27,109 that Frank is mixed up in. 202 00:08:27,142 --> 00:08:28,878 I bet that's disturbing and brand-new information for you. 203 00:08:28,911 --> 00:08:31,914 Anyway, uh-uh, the last gift is something borrowed, 204 00:08:31,947 --> 00:08:34,083 and it's from Artemis. 205 00:08:34,116 --> 00:08:37,520 Oh. Well, that is very nice. 206 00:08:37,553 --> 00:08:40,856 "Vaginal burning relief cream." 207 00:08:40,889 --> 00:08:44,160 Oh, you know, that is so kind of you to loan that to her, 208 00:08:44,193 --> 00:08:47,062 seeing as how she's probably going to catch whatever it is that you had. 209 00:08:47,863 --> 00:08:48,964 - Probably. - Mmm. 210 00:08:50,265 --> 00:08:52,868 - Ms. Dee. - Mm-hmm? 211 00:08:52,901 --> 00:08:55,538 Could I just borrow you for a private word? 212 00:08:55,571 --> 00:08:56,672 Absolutely. 213 00:08:56,705 --> 00:08:58,641 We'll rush right back. 214 00:08:58,674 --> 00:09:01,510 If you don't want this cream, I'll take it. 215 00:09:01,543 --> 00:09:03,145 That bitch owes me oven mitts. 216 00:09:03,178 --> 00:09:04,980 - I need plastic wrap. - See what else she has... 217 00:09:09,885 --> 00:09:13,055 Goddamn vultures, picking me dry. 218 00:09:13,456 --> 00:09:14,690 What's up? 219 00:09:15,191 --> 00:09:17,693 - I know what this is. - What are you talking about? 220 00:09:17,726 --> 00:09:21,029 Why are you trying to break up my wedding? 221 00:09:22,598 --> 00:09:24,533 Okay, I'll tell you exactly what this is about. 222 00:09:24,566 --> 00:09:27,069 You know that chicken money you've been talking about? 223 00:09:27,102 --> 00:09:29,505 It's rubber chickens. 224 00:09:29,538 --> 00:09:31,073 You are trying to bleed Frank dry, 225 00:09:31,106 --> 00:09:33,242 and that means I would end up not having any money, 226 00:09:33,275 --> 00:09:35,911 and I'm not gonna let that happen. You got it? 227 00:09:35,944 --> 00:09:41,984 You familiar with those yellow rubber chickens that have the red neckties? 228 00:09:42,017 --> 00:09:46,222 - Of course I am. I have like seven of 'em. - My father invented those, 229 00:09:46,255 --> 00:09:49,959 and I inherited his novelty gag fortune. 230 00:09:49,992 --> 00:09:52,795 So, I'm a billionaire. 231 00:09:54,696 --> 00:09:55,998 Is that with a "B"? 232 00:09:56,499 --> 00:09:58,667 No other way to spell it. 233 00:09:58,700 --> 00:10:00,135 No, there's not. 234 00:10:00,836 --> 00:10:02,171 Oh. 235 00:10:02,204 --> 00:10:03,772 Know what, honey? 236 00:10:04,139 --> 00:10:07,243 I like your moxie, and I never had kids of my own, 237 00:10:07,276 --> 00:10:10,079 so if you support me, 238 00:10:10,112 --> 00:10:13,515 I could make you a very wealthy woman. 239 00:10:14,183 --> 00:10:16,652 - Are you joking? - I-I'm not a big joker. 240 00:10:16,685 --> 00:10:20,689 Well, okay. Wow. 241 00:10:20,722 --> 00:10:22,925 - Um, it's a deal. - It's a deal. 242 00:10:22,958 --> 00:10:25,795 Yeah, well... Would you be willing to put that in writing? 243 00:10:25,828 --> 00:10:28,798 - Oh, I wouldn't have it any other way. - Oh, God. I love you so much. 244 00:10:28,831 --> 00:10:32,034 Yeah. I'm gonna make a quick phone call. Oh, God. 245 00:10:33,869 --> 00:10:35,671 Where have you been? I haven't seen you in a while. 246 00:10:35,704 --> 00:10:37,206 I've been doing stuff. It's none of your business. 247 00:10:37,239 --> 00:10:38,774 What do you mean it's none of my business? 248 00:10:38,807 --> 00:10:40,543 - He was with us. We had him. - Um, yeah. 249 00:10:40,576 --> 00:10:42,511 Okay, well, I just... I haven't seen you. 250 00:10:42,544 --> 00:10:44,180 I... Sometimes I like to use you. 251 00:10:44,213 --> 00:10:46,248 - Use me? You cocksucker. - Jack. 252 00:10:46,281 --> 00:10:48,217 Um, what's happening? 253 00:10:48,250 --> 00:10:49,919 - Uh, why... - What is this? 254 00:10:49,952 --> 00:10:52,088 Why do you even have that thing, man? 255 00:10:52,121 --> 00:10:55,524 It's a legal tool I use in mediations. 256 00:10:55,958 --> 00:10:57,827 - No. - No, absolutely not. 257 00:10:57,860 --> 00:10:59,929 That's... No, I don't believe that for a second. 258 00:10:59,962 --> 00:11:03,065 Uh, sometimes people, I've found, are more comfortable talking 259 00:11:03,098 --> 00:11:04,967 to Sherman, or as Sherman. 260 00:11:05,000 --> 00:11:06,635 - Yeah, okay. - Okay. 261 00:11:06,668 --> 00:11:08,904 Uh, I'm just gonna move past it. Uh, Jack. 262 00:11:08,937 --> 00:11:12,675 Listen, I-I think that, uh, you should let Mac's mom move back in. 263 00:11:12,708 --> 00:11:15,811 Okay. Uh, this is perfect. Let's use the doll. 264 00:11:15,844 --> 00:11:18,647 Why don't you tell Sherman how you feel? 265 00:11:18,680 --> 00:11:20,082 - How I feel? - I'll go. Yeah. 266 00:11:20,115 --> 00:11:21,951 No, Mac, don't get distracted... 267 00:11:21,984 --> 00:11:23,953 Sherman, I feel like my mother should be able to stay here. 268 00:11:23,986 --> 00:11:26,555 Even though she wasn't on the lease, this is her home. 269 00:11:26,588 --> 00:11:30,526 Mac, that lady has as much charm as a wood chipper. 270 00:11:30,559 --> 00:11:31,994 She smokes, never flushes. 271 00:11:32,027 --> 00:11:35,531 I say good riddance! 272 00:11:35,564 --> 00:11:37,533 You can have her, ya fruit! 273 00:11:37,566 --> 00:11:39,568 I'm not a fruit, you little wooden fuck. 274 00:11:39,601 --> 00:11:41,570 Give me the doll. Give me the goddamn doll. 275 00:11:41,603 --> 00:11:43,105 I-I'm doing it. I'm doing it. 276 00:11:43,138 --> 00:11:45,674 Don't talk shit about my mother, all right? 277 00:11:45,707 --> 00:11:49,077 Uh, or my masculinity, because I am as straight as the... 278 00:11:50,546 --> 00:11:51,747 straight as the... 279 00:11:53,015 --> 00:11:54,683 Rio Grande! 280 00:11:55,150 --> 00:11:56,919 Rio Grande? 281 00:11:56,952 --> 00:11:59,255 What-What are you talking about, Sherman? No, I... 282 00:11:59,288 --> 00:12:02,725 I like women, okay? I don't even understand what you're talking about. 283 00:12:02,758 --> 00:12:05,494 Queer. What? Why is he saying that? 284 00:12:05,527 --> 00:12:07,663 - Just tell her, Mac. - What? What? 285 00:12:07,696 --> 00:12:09,031 Tell your mom. 286 00:12:09,064 --> 00:12:10,700 There's nothing to say. 287 00:12:10,733 --> 00:12:12,201 Tell your mom the goddamn truth. 288 00:12:12,234 --> 00:12:14,170 You don't need to dance. You want me to dance? 289 00:12:14,203 --> 00:12:16,038 I'll dance right fucking now. I'm gonna do a dance. 290 00:12:16,071 --> 00:12:18,207 - I'm gonna do a dance. - What are you doing? Mac. Stop! 291 00:12:18,240 --> 00:12:20,509 - Will you stop it? - Mommy, Mommy! 292 00:12:20,542 --> 00:12:22,978 - You are controlling the dummy. - I'm doing a dance. 293 00:12:23,011 --> 00:12:26,949 Okay, stop, everybody. Okay. We're gonna try to stay on topic here. 294 00:12:26,982 --> 00:12:30,052 I think we can work something out, though. How about this? How about this? 295 00:12:30,085 --> 00:12:33,589 Why don't we all pitch in and, uh, put her in a nursing home? 296 00:12:33,622 --> 00:12:35,091 Okay, I'd be up for that. 297 00:12:35,124 --> 00:12:36,826 - Hey, see? That works. - A nursing home? 298 00:12:36,859 --> 00:12:38,493 I don't know. What do you think? 299 00:12:39,394 --> 00:12:42,898 What... What do you mean? Don't ask him. You-You are controlling him. 300 00:12:42,931 --> 00:12:45,801 Oh. 301 00:12:45,834 --> 00:12:47,670 Oh! Uh-oh, boys. I gotta run. 302 00:12:47,703 --> 00:12:50,206 Hey, cigarettes are in the cabinet, okay? 303 00:12:50,239 --> 00:12:52,942 - Oh, let me get the doll. - Don't leave me to him! 304 00:12:52,975 --> 00:12:54,043 Oh, God. 305 00:12:54,076 --> 00:12:55,177 Please! 306 00:12:55,210 --> 00:12:56,846 Listen, we'll take care of him. 307 00:12:56,879 --> 00:12:58,981 He's done terrible things. 308 00:12:59,014 --> 00:13:00,683 We'll bring him with us for a while. We might be able to use him. 309 00:13:00,716 --> 00:13:03,185 I'm not sure if you guys will be safe with him. 310 00:13:03,218 --> 00:13:06,222 Just go. We'll-We'll take care of him. I-I promise. We're gonna be okay. 311 00:13:06,255 --> 00:13:08,591 All right. Sherman, don't tell them anything I told you. 312 00:13:08,624 --> 00:13:09,925 What is happening? 313 00:13:10,659 --> 00:13:13,529 Okay, so I've drawn up the terms of the contract. 314 00:13:13,562 --> 00:13:15,197 Hey, sexy, take it off. 315 00:13:15,230 --> 00:13:18,067 - Not a stripper, Snail. - Well, I-I could grind him. 316 00:13:18,100 --> 00:13:20,169 - That would be random. - Just ignore her. 317 00:13:20,202 --> 00:13:24,774 Right. Um, the document says that once Sam and Frank are married, 318 00:13:24,807 --> 00:13:27,076 Dee is entitled to half her inheritance. 319 00:13:27,109 --> 00:13:30,212 That is, if the wedding happens. 320 00:13:30,245 --> 00:13:33,649 Yeah, yeah. Boom, boom. Lock it in, Mommy. You cool if I call you that? 321 00:13:33,682 --> 00:13:35,551 - Mmm. A little... Don't push it. - Okay. 322 00:13:35,584 --> 00:13:38,721 So sign here and that bottom one, and then... 323 00:13:38,754 --> 00:13:41,257 Oh, this is fun. We're gonna do thumbprints. 324 00:13:41,290 --> 00:13:43,592 Ooh. I'm actually gonna skip the thumbprint part 325 00:13:43,625 --> 00:13:45,795 because I don't want black thumbs for the wedding 326 00:13:45,828 --> 00:13:47,697 and I don't want to get it all over my dress. 327 00:13:47,730 --> 00:13:49,865 No, no, no, it comes right off. Look. Boom. 328 00:13:51,567 --> 00:13:53,669 - See? - Yeah. 329 00:13:54,670 --> 00:13:55,671 Wait, hold on. 330 00:13:57,573 --> 00:13:58,841 Get it, big boy. 331 00:13:58,874 --> 00:14:00,208 - Um... - It came off earlier. 332 00:14:00,976 --> 00:14:04,213 It's not coming off and I also do see it on your shirt, so... 333 00:14:04,246 --> 00:14:06,582 Well, no, that's 'cause of... That's from earlier. 334 00:14:06,615 --> 00:14:09,952 You know, um, I wonder if you two could excuse me, 335 00:14:09,985 --> 00:14:14,590 because my neck is really hurting and I'm feeling a little under the weather. 336 00:14:14,623 --> 00:14:17,827 So could I maybe lie down on your bed for a minute? 337 00:14:17,860 --> 00:14:19,962 - You wanna take a little rest? Let's go. - Yes, I'll rest. 338 00:14:19,995 --> 00:14:22,498 - Let's do it, Mama. - Okay. We'll do this when you come back. 339 00:14:22,531 --> 00:14:25,501 Yeah. Let's get you all rested up for the big moment, okay? 340 00:14:25,534 --> 00:14:27,703 - The big moment. - The big moment. Okay. 341 00:14:27,736 --> 00:14:29,538 You take a load off, okay? 342 00:14:29,571 --> 00:14:30,672 I love you. 343 00:14:31,206 --> 00:14:33,509 - All right, you bitches gotta buzz off. - What? Why? 344 00:14:33,542 --> 00:14:35,778 Because this whole thing's off. The wedding's back on. 345 00:14:35,811 --> 00:14:38,781 I don't mind switching gears, but it is gonna cost you. 346 00:14:38,814 --> 00:14:40,783 It already cost me. You took my entire kitchen. 347 00:14:40,816 --> 00:14:42,952 This is peanuts. If you're getting a big payday, 348 00:14:42,985 --> 00:14:45,221 I want a cut of that or I'm gonna ruin the wedding. 349 00:14:45,254 --> 00:14:48,691 - Ooh, what she said. - Ah, shit. Oh, you guys are the worst. 350 00:14:48,724 --> 00:14:51,527 Fine, Uncle Jack, we're gonna need a few more contracts drawn up. 351 00:14:51,560 --> 00:14:54,030 That was... That was too deep. 352 00:14:57,066 --> 00:14:58,633 Contracts. All right. 353 00:15:21,156 --> 00:15:23,259 Then I'll say, "Let's have a nice wedding," or something. 354 00:15:23,292 --> 00:15:25,661 Oh, good. Yeah. What is happening? 355 00:15:25,694 --> 00:15:29,065 I called Chambray to see if she can warm me up, but it's not working. 356 00:15:29,098 --> 00:15:30,800 I'm only getting colder. 357 00:15:30,833 --> 00:15:32,501 We got to stop the wedding. 358 00:15:32,534 --> 00:15:35,170 Whoa. Oh! Oh, Jesus, no. Hold on, hold on, hold on. 359 00:15:35,638 --> 00:15:37,573 Here you go, Mom. 360 00:15:37,606 --> 00:15:39,542 Guys, that was close. She almost broke the chain. 361 00:15:39,575 --> 00:15:41,544 She almost broke the chain. 362 00:15:41,577 --> 00:15:43,212 Listen, I'm having second thoughts about this home thing. 363 00:15:43,245 --> 00:15:44,680 I don't think they'll even let her smoke there. 364 00:15:44,713 --> 00:15:46,682 Let me play the song one more time. 365 00:15:47,883 --> 00:15:49,652 Stop, stop. 366 00:15:49,685 --> 00:15:51,253 Final trades until the closing bell, okay? 367 00:15:51,286 --> 00:15:53,522 One nipple. One nipple. 368 00:15:53,555 --> 00:15:55,591 Make sure you put the measuring spoon... 369 00:15:55,624 --> 00:15:57,993 Measuring spoon. All right. Okay. Could you stop? Leave me alone. 370 00:15:58,026 --> 00:16:00,830 I want this! Rolling pin. Rolling pin for me. 371 00:16:00,863 --> 00:16:02,064 - Rolling pin. - So if you... 372 00:16:02,097 --> 00:16:03,933 Jack, the goddamn bell! 373 00:16:03,966 --> 00:16:05,768 - All right. And I want the bell. - The bell. 374 00:16:05,801 --> 00:16:08,204 - Okay. The bell. The bell. - Great, you get the bell! Good! 375 00:16:08,237 --> 00:16:10,973 Now, get your shit and get out of here, okay? Gonna go wake up the hag. 376 00:16:11,006 --> 00:16:13,109 She'll sleep through the whole goddamn wedding. Jesus. 377 00:16:13,142 --> 00:16:15,777 We're done. Can I... Let me have my clothes back. 378 00:16:17,880 --> 00:16:22,918 Oh, sleeping beauty, it's time to wake up. 379 00:16:23,852 --> 00:16:25,887 Sam. Mommy. 380 00:16:26,889 --> 00:16:28,056 Sa-Sam. 381 00:16:28,624 --> 00:16:29,791 Sam. 382 00:16:30,826 --> 00:16:32,627 Mama. Sam? 383 00:16:32,961 --> 00:16:34,129 Oh, shit. 384 00:16:38,600 --> 00:16:40,703 Are you sure she's dead? 385 00:16:40,736 --> 00:16:42,938 Well, she hasn't moved, breathed, or had a heartbeat in over an hour. 386 00:16:42,971 --> 00:16:45,074 Can a person survive that? 387 00:16:45,107 --> 00:16:46,742 - No, I don't think they can. - No. 388 00:16:46,775 --> 00:16:48,077 What the hell happened? 389 00:16:48,110 --> 00:16:49,979 Nothing. I think just sometimes, uh, 390 00:16:50,012 --> 00:16:53,015 when you're that age, you just die, you know? 391 00:16:53,048 --> 00:16:54,283 - Right. - God, this is terrible. 392 00:16:54,316 --> 00:16:56,218 I know, it's-it's so sad. 393 00:16:56,251 --> 00:16:57,686 No, I mean for me. 394 00:16:57,719 --> 00:17:00,089 - Apparently, she was loaded. - Mm-hmm. 395 00:17:00,122 --> 00:17:02,558 Do you know that there's real money in rubber chickens if you get in early? 396 00:17:02,591 --> 00:17:04,192 What are you doing, looking for your onion? 397 00:17:04,593 --> 00:17:06,662 Yeah, I guess I left it behind. 398 00:17:06,695 --> 00:17:07,930 Don't do it for me. I don't care. 399 00:17:07,963 --> 00:17:09,498 You know what the worst part is? 400 00:17:10,566 --> 00:17:13,102 I made a deal with her that I would get some of that money 401 00:17:13,135 --> 00:17:15,170 as long as she and Frank got married. 402 00:17:15,971 --> 00:17:18,207 Yeah, you know what? I have a confession to make. 403 00:17:18,240 --> 00:17:20,076 I-I knew she was rich. 404 00:17:20,109 --> 00:17:21,610 - You knew? - Yeah, I found out about a week ago. 405 00:17:21,643 --> 00:17:23,212 I actually had one of those drawn up, too. 406 00:17:23,245 --> 00:17:24,847 - You did? - Yeah, I sure did. 407 00:17:24,880 --> 00:17:26,549 - Uncle Jack? - Yeah. 408 00:17:26,582 --> 00:17:28,183 Ah, shit. Well, now we're both screwed. 409 00:17:29,184 --> 00:17:31,953 Well, yeah, but-but only if they don't get married, right? 410 00:17:33,856 --> 00:17:35,057 What does that mean? 411 00:17:35,724 --> 00:17:36,958 Dee, 412 00:17:37,626 --> 00:17:39,761 how much do you know about puppets? 413 00:17:42,765 --> 00:17:44,200 All right. You ready for this? 414 00:17:44,233 --> 00:17:46,535 I can't feel anything. 415 00:17:46,568 --> 00:17:49,238 Okay, well, trust the strings. Here we go. 416 00:17:49,271 --> 00:17:50,839 Now? Oh, yeah. 417 00:17:54,109 --> 00:17:55,945 Don't play that song now. Goddamn it. 418 00:17:55,978 --> 00:17:58,881 How you doin'? Hi. Good to see you. 419 00:17:58,914 --> 00:18:00,682 You good? How are you? 420 00:18:01,617 --> 00:18:04,086 Isn't that something? 421 00:18:04,119 --> 00:18:05,955 He's doing, like... It's like a Frankenstein. 422 00:18:05,988 --> 00:18:07,556 Frank, you know? Frankenstein? 423 00:18:09,625 --> 00:18:11,961 Why don't you stand right about there? 424 00:18:11,994 --> 00:18:13,929 - Yeah. That's good. - I'm gonna puke. 425 00:18:13,962 --> 00:18:16,698 Choke it down. Choke it the fuck down. 426 00:18:19,234 --> 00:18:21,804 - Charlie, play the song. - I played the song. 427 00:18:21,837 --> 00:18:23,105 Now, she's coming down the aisle. 428 00:18:23,138 --> 00:18:24,940 I can play my song? 429 00:18:24,973 --> 00:18:27,009 Yeah, okay, thanks, man. Yeah, cool. 430 00:18:27,042 --> 00:18:28,611 Just... 431 00:18:47,963 --> 00:18:49,932 Go in a straight line. She's so excited. 432 00:18:55,170 --> 00:18:58,207 This doesn't seem like a wedding march. I don't know... 433 00:19:03,145 --> 00:19:05,214 Oh, I love love so much. 434 00:19:16,125 --> 00:19:18,928 - Ooh, you on fire, baby. - Sick! Thanks. 435 00:19:18,961 --> 00:19:20,663 - Okay. - Sam. 436 00:19:20,696 --> 00:19:25,101 - You look beautiful, Sam. - Yeah. 437 00:19:25,134 --> 00:19:26,836 Look at that. She's speechless, Frank. 438 00:19:26,869 --> 00:19:30,272 - Why don't we begin? - I got Sherman! 439 00:19:30,305 --> 00:19:32,241 Oh, no. No, no, no. 440 00:19:32,274 --> 00:19:36,712 Welcome, ladies and genitals. 441 00:19:36,745 --> 00:19:39,648 Mrs. Mac, do you know that your son... 442 00:19:41,150 --> 00:19:42,517 is gay? 443 00:19:46,155 --> 00:19:47,690 No shit. 444 00:19:51,026 --> 00:19:52,260 Okay. Uh... 445 00:19:54,696 --> 00:19:56,799 - Are we... - Are we clapping or... 446 00:19:56,832 --> 00:19:59,068 - Nope. Let's... Not for that. - No. No. 447 00:19:59,101 --> 00:20:01,137 Mac, you wanna go ahead and marry these two? 448 00:20:01,170 --> 00:20:03,105 - That went better than I thought. - Did it? 449 00:20:03,138 --> 00:20:07,642 Uh, Frank, do you take this woman to be your bride? 450 00:20:09,111 --> 00:20:11,013 - I do. - Aw! 451 00:20:11,046 --> 00:20:12,882 - Oh, that's good. That's good. - That's so sweet. 452 00:20:12,915 --> 00:20:16,518 Uh, and now, Sam, do you take Frank to be your husband? 453 00:20:18,320 --> 00:20:20,623 Look at that, a big ole emphatic yes. 454 00:20:20,656 --> 00:20:23,125 - Uh, she's gotta say it. - She doesn't have to say it. No. 455 00:20:23,158 --> 00:20:25,828 - I think she's got to say it, right? - No, she... she said it. 456 00:20:25,861 --> 00:20:27,830 She indicated. She went... 457 00:20:27,863 --> 00:20:29,799 - That's the universal head move for yes. —Yeah. 458 00:20:29,832 --> 00:20:31,600 Everybody knows what that means. 459 00:20:31,633 --> 00:20:32,934 I do. 460 00:20:33,368 --> 00:20:35,571 - Oh! - Oh. Now she said it. 461 00:20:35,604 --> 00:20:37,006 - That was clearly Dee. - That was Dee. I saw her mouth move. 462 00:20:37,039 --> 00:20:38,808 Me? No. That's... Why would it be me? 463 00:20:38,841 --> 00:20:40,943 I don't want to marry Frank. Gross. 464 00:20:40,976 --> 00:20:42,845 Moving on, lock it up. 465 00:20:42,878 --> 00:20:44,213 Let's keep this thing moving. They're getting tired. 466 00:20:44,246 --> 00:20:46,816 Okay. Uh, by the power vested in me 467 00:20:46,849 --> 00:20:49,285 by the online class, you are man and wife. 468 00:20:49,318 --> 00:20:51,287 - Yes. - Yes! 469 00:20:51,320 --> 00:20:53,589 Yes! 470 00:20:53,622 --> 00:20:55,257 - Yes! They're married. - They're married, everybody. 471 00:20:55,290 --> 00:20:57,226 It's official and legal. 472 00:20:57,259 --> 00:20:58,794 - That's legal and official. - It's legal and binding. 473 00:20:58,827 --> 00:21:00,930 Do I kiss the bride now? 474 00:21:00,963 --> 00:21:02,932 - No! - No, what? No, just-just do that later. 475 00:21:02,965 --> 00:21:05,101 - I'll kiss Sam. - That happens later. 476 00:21:05,134 --> 00:21:07,103 - Kiss her or it's not real. - No, he doesn't have to. 477 00:21:07,136 --> 00:21:09,538 You want a kiss, Sam? 478 00:21:09,571 --> 00:21:11,140 - No, thank you, Frank. - She said, "No." 479 00:21:11,173 --> 00:21:13,008 - There was no consent. - No means no. No means no. 480 00:21:13,041 --> 00:21:14,076 No means no! 481 00:21:19,248 --> 00:21:21,751 Tragedy struck at Paddy's Pub yesterday 482 00:21:21,784 --> 00:21:25,187 when a Golden Bachelor wedding turned into a real-life house of horrors. 483 00:21:30,826 --> 00:21:34,930 A flesh-eating bacteria chewed through the spinal cord of the bride 484 00:21:34,963 --> 00:21:37,600 while the groom barely survived the ordeal. 485 00:21:37,633 --> 00:21:40,102 - In other news... - Turn that thing off, will you? 486 00:21:40,135 --> 00:21:42,972 I'm really sorry about Sam, Frank. 487 00:21:43,005 --> 00:21:45,541 But hey, look on the bright side, at least you survived. 488 00:21:45,574 --> 00:21:48,944 You may want to avoid having sex in, uh, stagnant water in the future, though. 489 00:21:48,977 --> 00:21:51,013 - Yeah. - Yeah, that's a general rule. 490 00:21:51,046 --> 00:21:53,149 - If you see a puddle form, don't go... - Go away from it. 491 00:21:53,182 --> 00:21:54,850 - Banging in it. - Don't use it for sex. 492 00:21:54,883 --> 00:21:56,585 Yeah, Arty was right on that one. 493 00:21:56,618 --> 00:21:58,087 - Yeah. Yeah. - Guess so.