Provided by explosiveskull https://twitter.com/kaboomskull
On my way down to coordinate search and rescue.
I mean, honestly, how do you keep your food down?
Shut up.
- Hey! Whoa, whoa, whoa! - Hey, hey. Buddy!
What do you think? Maximum occupancy has been reached.
Take the stairs.
Yeah. Stop, stop.
Hand over the case, Stark.
Hand it over.
- Stark? - Stark?
Breathe, breathe.
Good job. Meet me in the alley. I'm gonna grab a quick slice.
No stairs!
Where's Loki?
Loki! Loki!
I am Loki of Asgard.
And I am burdened with glorious purpose.
I...
Never mind.
Don't touch that.
Appears to be a standard sequence violation.
Branch is growing at a stable rate and slope.
Variant identified.
I beg your pardon.
On behalf of the Time Variance Authority,
I hereby arrest you for crimes against the Sacred Timeline.
Hands up.
You're coming with us.
I'm sorry. Who's "us"?
Last chance, Variant.
It's been a very long day,
and I think I've had my fill of idiots in armored suits telling me what to do,
so, if you don't mind, this is actually your last chance.
Now get out of my way.
You are now moving at 1/16th speed,
but feeling all that pain in real time.
Reset the timeline.
- What species? - Variant Skrull.
What is this place?
My dad is on the board of Goldman Sachs.
One call and your whole job is privatized.
- All right. - How'd you like that?
Hello, sir.
- Come on. - You're making a terrible mistake.
You're making a big mistake. Whoa!
- Hello, ma'am, uh... - Log this as evidence.
Oh...
Can you at least tell me what it is?
It's the Tesseract. Be very careful with it.
It sounds dumb.
Know this.
You cross me, there are deadly consequences.
We'll see.
Hey, hey!
Absolutely not.
This is fine Asgardian leather.
Hold very still.
Now, hang on just a minute.
Please sign to verify this is everything you've ever said.
What?
Sign this, too.
Oh, this is absurd.
And this.
Please confirm to your knowledge that you are not a fully robotic being,
were born an organic creature,
and do in fact possess what many cultures would call a soul.
What? "To my knowledge"?
Do a lot of people not know if they're robots?
Thank you for confirming. Move through.
What if I was a robot and I didn't know it?
The machine would melt you from the inside out.
Please move along, sir.
Okay, I'm not a robot, so I'll be fine.
What?
- Oh, what's that? - Your temporal aura.
- What's that? - Please, through the door.
Take a ticket.
What is this, a deli? No.
Take a ticket.
There's only two of us in here.
Take a ticket.
This is a mistake! I shouldn't be here!
Hey there! You're probably saying,
"This is a mistake. I shouldn't even be here."
Welcome to the Time Variance Authority.
I'm Miss Minutes,
and it's my job to catch you up before you stand trial for your crimes.
So let's not waste another minute.
Settle in, sharpen your pencils, and check this out.
Long ago, there was a vast multiversal war.
Countless unique timelines battled each other for supremacy,
nearly resulting in the total destruction of...
well, everything.
But then, the all-knowing Time-Keepers emerged,
bringing peace by reorganizing the multiverse into a single timeline,
the Sacred Timeline.
Now, the Time-Keepers protect and preserve the proper flow of time
for everyone and everything.
But sometimes, people like you veer off the path the Time-Keepers created.
We call those Variants.
Maybe you started an uprising, or were just late for work.
Whatever it was, stepping off your path created a nexus event,
which, left unchecked, could branch off into madness,
leading to another multiversal war.
But, don't worry,
to make sure that doesn't happen,
the Time-Keepers created the TVA and all its incredible workers.
The TVA has stepped in to fix your mistake
and set time back on its predetermined path.
Now that your actions have left you without a place on the timeline,
you must stand trial for your offenses.
So sit tight, and we'll get you in front of a judge in no time.
Just make sure you have your ticket,
and you'll be seen by the next available attendant.
- For all time. - Always.
Time-Keepers? The Sacred Timeline?
Who actually believes this bunkum?
- Ticket, sir? - He didn't give me a ticket. I asked.
- Ticket, sir! - I tried to ask that guy for a ticket!
Sir...
What, you're raising your voice at me, bucket head?
Thanks for visiting the TVA.
Don't hesitate to let us know how we're doing.
The hunter and his Minutemen responded to a routine nexus event.
It appears that when they arrived, somebody got the jump on 'em.
You think?
It's him.
Yeah, stab wounds look consistent with the others.
Positioning of the bodies indicates they didn't know what the hell hit 'em.
And reset charge is gone.
That's the sixth attack in the last week.
That we know of.
- Hey! - Wait, stand down! Stand down.
It's just a kid.
Hey, yo!
Tap it.
Don't worry, that devil's afraid of us.
We're gonna take care of him.
And we're gonna put you back where you belong.
Devil bearing gifts.
Go ahead and run this for sequence period and any hints of temporal aura.
You know we won't get anything.
Yeah, just give it a shot.
The branch is nearing red line. We need to go.
Okay.
It's okay.
Set a reset charge.
Sir, there's something you'll wanna see.
Next case, please.
Laufeyson. Variant L1130, AKA Loki Laufeyson,
is charged with sequence violation 7-20-89.
How do you plead?
Madam, a god doesn't plead.
This has been a very enjoyable pantomime, but I'd like to go home now.
Are you guilty or not guilty, sir?
Guilty of being the God of Mischief? Yes.
Guilty of finding all this incredibly tedious? Yes.
Guilty of a crime against the Sacred Timeline?
Absolutely not, you have the wrong person.
Oh, really? And who should we have?
I suspect, the Avengers.
I came into possession of the Tesseract because they traveled through time,
no doubt in a last-ditch effort to stave off my ascent to God King.
That's quite an accusation.
Oh, believe me, you can smell the cologne of two Tony Starks.
You speak of Time Criminals? It's they you should be after.
Perhaps you could provide me with a taskforce and resources,
and I could return and eliminate them for you.
We're not here to talk about the Avengers.
- Oh, no? - No.
What they did was supposed to happen. You escaping was not.
Right. Uh...
"Not supposed to happen"? According to whom?
The Time-Keepers?
Oh, the Time-Keepers. Right.
Well, perhaps I should speak to these Time-Keepers, gods to gods.
I'm sorry, but they're quite busy.
Oh, they are? What are they doing?
Dictating the proper flow of time.
I see. Right. And then what do you do?
Dictate the proper flow of time according to their dictations.
How do you plead?
Guilty...
of this.
- What's going on? - Hang on. Everyone quiet.
- He's trying to use his powers, ma'am. - Don't rush me.
Damn it! Why won't it work?
Magic powers? They're no good in the TVA, Mr. Laufeyson.
The court finds you guilty, and I sentence you to be reset.
Next case, please!
"Reset"? What does that mean? What, is it bad? What does it mean?
Hey! You ridiculous bureaucrats will not dictate how my story ends!
It's not your story, Mr. Laufeyson. It never was.
You have no idea what I'm capable of!
I... I think I might.
Have an idea of what he's capable of.
Approach the bench.
Hi.
If you're thinking what I think you are, it's a bad idea.
Okay, I'm just chasing a hunch.
Anything goes sideways, it's on you.
Okay. I feel like I'm always looking up to you.
I like it. It's appropriate.
And who are you?
I'm gonna burn this place to the ground.
I'll show you where my desk is, you can start there.
Have a look.
Home sweet home.
I thought there was no magic here.
There isn't.
That's not real.
It is, and, unfortunately, so is all the paperwork.
Good tinder for your fire, though. Come on.
This place is a nightmare.
That's another department.
Now that department I'll help you burn down.
I'm Agent Mobius, by the way.
Are you taking me somewhere to kill me?
No. That's where you just were. I'm taking you some place to talk.
I don't like to talk.
But you do like to lie, which you just did.
Because we both know you love to talk.
Talkie-talkie.
How long have you been here?
I don't know. It's hard to say, time passes differently here in the TVA.
- What does that mean? - You'll catch up.
So, you're part of the TVA's courageous and dedicated workforce?
Yes.
- You were created by the Time-Keepers. - Yep.
- To protect the Sacred Timeline. - Correct.
Is that funny?
The idea that your little club decides the fate of trillions of people
across all of existence at the behest of three space lizards,
yes, it's funny.
It's absurd.
I thought you didn't like to talk.
After you.
For the record, this really does feel like a killing-me kind of a room.
Not big on trust, are you?
Trust is for children and dogs.
There's only one person you can trust.
Yourself? I like it.
Slap it on a T-shirt.
If the TVA truly oversees all of time,
how have I never heard of you until now?
'Cause you've never needed to.
You've always lived within your set path.
I live within whatever path I choose.
Sure you do. Okay, come have a seat.
I told you, time moves differently in the TVA.
Come on, sit down.
Let's get into this.
Go on, have a seat.
If looks could kill.
What do you want from me?
Well, let's start with a little cooperation.
Not my forte.
Really?
Even when you're wooing someone powerful you intend to betray?
Come on.
You don't know anything about me.
Maybe I'd like to learn.
I specialize in the pursuit of dangerous Variants.
Like myself?
Mmm...
No, particularly dangerous Variants.
You're just a little pussycat.
I got a set of questions for you.
You answer them honestly,
and then maybe I can give you something you want.
You wanna get out of here, right?
Yeah, so we'll start there.
Should you return, what are you gonna do?
- Finish what I started. - Which is?
Claim my throne.
You wanna be king?
I don't want to be, I was born to be.
I know, but king of what exactly?
You wouldn't understand.
Try me.
Midgard.
AKA Earth.
All right. Now you're the king of Midgard, then what?
Happily ever after?
Asgard, the Nine Realms.
- Space? - Space?
Space is big. That'd be a nice feather in your cap.
"Loki, the King of Space."
Mock me if you dare.
No, I'm not.
Honestly, I'm actually a fan. Yeah.
And I guess I'm wondering why does someone with so much range just wanna rule?
I would've made it easy for them.
People like easy.
The first and most oppressive lie ever uttered
was the song of freedom.
How's that one go?
For nearly every living thing,
choice breeds shame and uncertainty and regret.
There's a fork in every road,
yet the wrong path always taken.
Good. Yeah.
You said "nearly every living thing,"
so I'm guessing you don't fall into that category?
The Time-Keepers have built quite the circus,
and I see the clowns are playing their parts to perfection.
Big metaphor guy. I love it.
Makes you sound super smart.
I am smart.
I know.
Okay.
What is this?
A sampling of your greatest hits, if I may.
If it's all the same to you...
I'll have that drink now.
No.
And I remember. I was there. Anything else?
It's funny, for someone born to rule, you sure do lose a lot.
You might even say it's in your nature.
You know, things didn't turn out so well for the last person who said that to me.
Oh, yeah, Phil Coulson.
No!
Didn't the Avengers come together to literally avenge him by defeating you?
Little solace to a dead man.
Do you enjoy hurting people?
Making them feel small?
Making them feel afraid?
- Your games don't frighten me. - Making them feel little?
I know what I am.
- A murderer? - A liberator.
Of eyeballs, maybe.
Look at that smile. You are enjoying that.
Did you enjoy hurting them?
I don't have to play this game. I'm a god.
Of what, again? Mischief, right?
Yeah. I don't see anything very mischievous about this.
No, I don't suppose you do.
Let's talk about your escapes.
You're really good at doing awful things, and then just getting away.
What can I say? I'm a mischievous scamp.
This is one of my favorites.
From the flight deck, Captain William A. Scott,
Northwest Orient Airlines 305, on schedule to land in Seattle.
Flight time today, approximately...
Bourbon and soda?
Thank you.
Absolutely.
Is there anything else I can do for you, sir?
I suppose we'll find out, won't we?
- Uh, Miss? - Yes, Mr. Cooper?
You might want to take a look at that note.
I have a bomb.
I fail to see how this has any relevance or bearing on...
No. This is the good part.
See you again someday.
Brother, Heimdall, you better be ready.
I can't believe you were D.B. Cooper. Come on!
I was young, and I lost a bet to Thor.
Where was the TVA when I was meddling with these affairs of men?
We were right there with you, just surfing that Sacred Timeline.
So that had the Time-Keepers' seal of approval, did it?
Well, I wouldn't think of it in terms of approval and disapproval.
That's sort of a...
Let's get back to escapes...
and a little psychobabble.
What is it that you think that you're really running from?
Enough.
Back in your cage.
See, I can play the heavy keys, too.
I was just standing up to make a point.
I'm sorry, go ahead.
It won't be as meaningful now.
Okay, well, stay seated.
I'll do what I want to do!
Sure.
What exactly is it that you want?
I want you to be honest about why you do what you do.
Liar.
I'm serious.
All I seek is a deeper understanding of the fearsome God of Mischief.
What makes Loki tick?
- I know what this place is. - What is it?
It's an illusion.
It's a cruel, elaborate trick conjured by the weak to inspire fear.
A desperate attempt at control.
Now, you all parade about
as if you're the divine arbiters of power in the universe.
- We are. - You're not.
My choices are my own.
Your choice is your own. Good, let's go with that.
I think this one's gonna fire you up.
The bright lure of freedom diminishes your life's joy
in a mad scramble for power...
Precisely.
I was...
I am on the verge of acquiring everything I am owed,
and when I do, it'll be because I did it.
Not because it was supposed to happen.
Or because you or the Time Variance Authority,
or whatever it is you call yourselves, allowed me to.
Honestly, you're pathetic.
You're an irrelevance.
A detour.
A footnote to my ascent.
You finished?
You're gonna start taking things seriously.
If you hadn't picked up the Tesseract,
you would have been taken to a cell on Asgard.
Loki.
Hello, Mother.
Have I made you proud?
Please don't make this worse.
What is this?
This is nonsense, more tricks. This never even happened.
Not to you.
Not yet.
Look, the TVA doesn't just know your whole past,
we know your whole life, how it's all meant to be.
Think of it as comforting.
This is absurd.
And am I not your mother?
You're not.
Hmm.
Always so perceptive about everyone but yourself.
And then the Dark Elves attack the palace,
and you think you send them to Thor.
You might wanna take the stairs to the left.
But instead, you send them...
I'll never tell.
Where do you have her? Where is she?
You lead them right to her.
I don't believe you. You're lying. It's not true.
It is true.
That's the proper flow of time,
and it happens again and again and again because it's supposed to,
because it has to.
- The TVA makes sure of it. - Where is she?
Now why don't you tell me, do you enjoy hurting people?
- I don't believe you. - Do you enjoy killing?
- I'll kill you. - Like you did your mother?
Sorry, the Time Twister just loops you, not the furniture.
You weren't born to be king, Loki.
You were born to cause pain and suffering and death.
That's how it is, that's how it was, that's how it will be.
All so that others can achieve their best versions of themselves.
What is this place?
Come on.
What are you doing?
My job. Is it yours to interrupt?
We have a situation.
There's always a situation.
Don't go anywhere.
It was just getting good. Spirited.
- Talking to that Variant is a mistake. - That's your position.
He should be reset!
You think everyone should be reset. I'm getting good stuff!
We lost another unit.
Okay, Loki, I think we can finish up tomorrow and just pick it...
Mischievous scamp.
Wish I could say I was surprised.
- Yeah, I wish you hadn't interrupted us. - Me? It's my fault?
Look, he can't have gotten very far.
Split up. Prune on sight.
No, no pruning, no resetting. He can still help us!
Hey.
Hey. I know you.
You're that criminal with the blue box.
- Ow. - What's your name?
Casey.
Give me the Tesseract, or I'll gut you like a fish, Casey.
What's a fish?
How do you not know what a fish is?
I've lived my entire life behind a desk.
Well, what difference does it make?
I wanna know exactly what I'm being threatened with before I comply.
Death, Casey. Violent, painful death.
Okay, okay. I comply, I comply.
I comply. Jeez!
Um... Oh.
This it?
What?
Infinity Stones?
How...
How do you have these?
Oh, We actually get a lot of those.
Yeah. Some of the guys use them as paperweights.
Some of 'em.
Is this the greatest power in the universe?
Oh, you almost hit me!
That's so messed up.
Split up. Check the lower concourse.
I do not forgive you.
I love you, my sons.
Remember this place.
Home.
Loki, I thought the world of you.
I thought we were gonna fight side by side forever.
Maybe you're not so bad after all, brother.
Maybe not.
Thank you.
If you were here, I might even give you a hug.
I'm here.
Undying?
You should choose your words more carefully.
You...
will never be...
a god.
What's so funny?
Glorious purpose.
Stop...
It.
Stop it!
St... Stop it...
It... Stop it...
Stop... I... St... Sto... St...
And this guy kept saying he was gonna turn me into a fish,
whatever that is,
and then they show up and just prune my cart,
so there was nothing I could have done.
Hey, there you are.
You know, that Variant you had got away.
Loki?
Nowhere left to run.
I can't go back, can I?
Back to my timeline.
I don't enjoy hurting people.
I...
I don't enjoy it.
I do it because I have to,
because I've had to.
Okay, explain that to me.
Because it's part of the illusion.
It's the cruel, elaborate trick conjured by the weak to inspire fear.
A desperate play for control.
You do know yourself.
A villain.
That's not how I see it.
You try to use that?
Oh, several times.
Even an Infinity Stone is useless here.
The TVA is formidable.
That's been my experience.
Listen, I can't offer you salvation,
but maybe I can offer you something better.
A fugitive Variant's been killing our Minutemen.
And you need the God of Mischief to help you stop him?
That's right.
Why me?
The Variant we're hunting is...
you.
I beg your pardon?
Time signature is early third millennium.
Definitely anachronistic.
Oil.
I think some jackass found himself a time machine,
came back here to get rich.
Should we fan out and look for him, sir?
Nah. It's not worth the paperwork.
Just prune it. Let's bail. Set a charge.
Wait. Someone's out there.
Check it out.
Get down!
Thanks for visiting the TVA.
Don't hesitate to let us know how we're doing.
Who are the real-world Illuminati? Find out @ saveanilluminati.com