1 00:00:02,930 --> 00:00:04,639 Kids, breakfast! 2 00:00:04,765 --> 00:00:08,059 Kids? Phil, would you get them? 3 00:00:08,143 --> 00:00:10,520 Yeah. Just a sec. 4 00:00:10,604 --> 00:00:12,897 Kids! 5 00:00:13,941 --> 00:00:15,441 That is- Okay. 6 00:00:16,610 --> 00:00:18,903 Kids? Get down here! 7 00:00:18,987 --> 00:00:22,073 Why are you guys yelling at us when we're way upstairs? 8 00:00:22,199 --> 00:00:24,534 Just text me. All right. That's not gonna happen. 9 00:00:24,618 --> 00:00:26,577 And, wow! You're not wearing that outfit. 10 00:00:26,704 --> 00:00:29,163 What's wrong with it? Honey, do you have anything to say to your daughter... 11 00:00:29,289 --> 00:00:31,833 about her skirt? Sorry. 12 00:00:31,917 --> 00:00:34,627 - Oh, yeah. That looks really cute, sweetheart. - Thanks. 13 00:00:34,753 --> 00:00:38,423 No. It's way too short. People know you're a girl. You don't need to prove it to them. 14 00:00:38,507 --> 00:00:40,842 Luke got his head stuck in the banister again. 15 00:00:40,926 --> 00:00:43,052 I got it. Where's the baby oil? 16 00:00:43,137 --> 00:00:46,681 It's on our bedside tab- I don't know. Find it. 17 00:00:48,767 --> 00:00:49,726 Come on! 18 00:00:49,810 --> 00:00:52,812 I was out of control growing up. 19 00:00:52,896 --> 00:00:54,814 There, you know? I said it. 20 00:00:54,898 --> 00:00:57,567 I-I just don't want my kids... 21 00:00:57,651 --> 00:00:59,360 to make the same bad mistakes I made. 22 00:00:59,445 --> 00:01:03,573 I-If Haley never wakes up on a beach in Florida, half-naked, 23 00:01:03,657 --> 00:01:05,533 I've done my job. 24 00:01:05,659 --> 00:01:08,327 Our job. Right. 25 00:01:08,412 --> 00:01:10,329 I've done our job. 26 00:01:10,414 --> 00:01:12,874 ¡Vamos, Manny! Kick it! Kick it! 27 00:01:12,958 --> 00:01:14,625 Don't let him- Kick it! 28 00:01:14,710 --> 00:01:17,545 Manny, go! ¡A la derecha! ¡A la derecha! 29 00:01:17,629 --> 00:01:20,047 No! No, no. 30 00:01:20,132 --> 00:01:22,425 - He tripped him, Jay. Where's the penalty? 31 00:01:22,509 --> 00:01:25,052 Gloria, they're 0 and 6. Let's take it down a notch. 32 00:01:25,137 --> 00:01:27,638 We're very different. 33 00:01:27,723 --> 00:01:29,891 Jay's from the city. 34 00:01:29,975 --> 00:01:32,477 He has a big business. 35 00:01:32,561 --> 00:01:34,771 I come from a small village. 36 00:01:34,855 --> 00:01:37,273 Very poor but very, very beautiful. 37 00:01:37,357 --> 00:01:40,276 It's the number one village in all Colombia for all the- 38 00:01:40,360 --> 00:01:41,986 What's the word? 39 00:01:42,112 --> 00:01:45,615 Murders. Yes. The murders. 40 00:01:45,699 --> 00:01:47,450 Manny, stop him! 41 00:01:47,534 --> 00:01:50,369 Stop him! You can do it! 42 00:01:54,082 --> 00:01:55,792 Damn it, Manny! 43 00:01:55,876 --> 00:01:58,419 Come on, Coach. You gotta take that kid out. 44 00:01:58,504 --> 00:02:01,214 You wanna take him out? How about I take you out? 45 00:02:01,298 --> 00:02:04,550 - Honey, honey. - Why don't you worry about your son? 46 00:02:04,635 --> 00:02:07,553 He spent the first half with his hand in his pants! 47 00:02:10,265 --> 00:02:13,059 I've wanted to tell her off for the last six weeks. 48 00:02:14,311 --> 00:02:16,229 I'm Josh. Ryan's dad. 49 00:02:16,313 --> 00:02:18,898 Hi, I'm Gloria Pritchett. Manny's mother. 50 00:02:18,982 --> 00:02:21,192 - Oh, and this must be your dad. - Her dad? 51 00:02:21,318 --> 00:02:22,568 Yeah. No, no. That's funny. 52 00:02:22,653 --> 00:02:24,195 Actually, no, I'm her husband. 53 00:02:24,279 --> 00:02:26,405 Don't be fooled by the, uh- 54 00:02:26,490 --> 00:02:28,407 Give me a second here. 55 00:02:30,244 --> 00:02:33,162 Who is a good girl? Who's that? 56 00:02:33,247 --> 00:02:34,872 Who's that? 57 00:02:34,957 --> 00:02:37,959 - Oh, she's adorable. - Oh, thank you. 58 00:02:38,043 --> 00:02:40,336 Hi, precious. Hello. 59 00:02:40,462 --> 00:02:42,046 Hi. Hi. 60 00:02:42,130 --> 00:02:44,966 Uh, we just, uh- We just adopted her from Vietnam. 61 00:02:45,050 --> 00:02:47,343 And we're bringing her home for the first time, huh? 62 00:02:47,427 --> 00:02:50,221 She's an angel. You and your wife must be thrilled. 63 00:02:50,305 --> 00:02:53,057 Sorry, sorry, sorry. Daddy needed snacks. 64 00:02:53,141 --> 00:02:55,351 Hi. 65 00:02:55,435 --> 00:03:00,606 So, what are we talking about? 66 00:03:00,691 --> 00:03:02,942 Uh, we have been together for- 67 00:03:03,026 --> 00:03:05,111 guh, five- five years now? 68 00:03:05,195 --> 00:03:08,155 And, uh, we just- we decided we really wanted to have a baby. 69 00:03:08,240 --> 00:03:12,034 So, we had initially asked one of our lesbian friends to be a surrogate, but- 70 00:03:12,119 --> 00:03:14,203 Then we figured, they're already mean enough. 71 00:03:14,329 --> 00:03:16,122 Can you imagine one of 'em pregnant? Pregnant, no. 72 00:03:16,206 --> 00:03:17,874 No, thank you. Ick. 73 00:03:17,958 --> 00:03:20,501 You saw that, right? Everybody fawning over Lily, 74 00:03:20,586 --> 00:03:22,628 and then you walk on and suddenly it's all, 75 00:03:22,713 --> 00:03:24,380 "Ooh, SkyMall. 76 00:03:24,464 --> 00:03:26,340 I gotta buy a motorized tie rack." 77 00:03:26,466 --> 00:03:29,427 All right, you know, I'm gonna give the speech. You are not giving the speech. 78 00:03:29,511 --> 00:03:31,888 You're gonna be stuck with these people for the next five hours. 79 00:03:31,972 --> 00:03:33,723 You're right, you're right. Okay. I'm sorry. 80 00:03:33,807 --> 00:03:36,642 - Look at that baby with those cream puffs. - Okay. Excuse me. 81 00:03:36,727 --> 00:03:38,519 Excuse me. 82 00:03:38,604 --> 00:03:41,606 This baby would have grown up in a crowded orphanage if it wasn't for us "cream puffs." 83 00:03:41,732 --> 00:03:43,858 And you know what? Note to all of you who judge- Mitchell! 84 00:03:43,942 --> 00:03:46,777 - Hear this. Love knows no race, creed- - Mitchell. 85 00:03:46,862 --> 00:03:48,195 Or gender. 86 00:03:48,322 --> 00:03:50,489 And shame on you, you small-minded, ignorant few- Mitchell. 87 00:03:50,616 --> 00:03:52,950 Mitchell! What? 88 00:03:53,035 --> 00:03:55,745 She's got the cream puffs. 89 00:03:55,829 --> 00:03:57,788 Oh. 90 00:04:01,543 --> 00:04:04,128 We would like to pay for everyone's headsets. 91 00:04:16,850 --> 00:04:19,894 Buddy. Why do you keep getting stuck like this? 92 00:04:19,978 --> 00:04:21,604 I thought I could get out this time. 93 00:04:21,688 --> 00:04:26,150 I'm just gonna say it. He needs to be checked by a specialist. 94 00:04:26,234 --> 00:04:28,611 Ow! There. Be free. 95 00:04:28,695 --> 00:04:30,696 Excalibur. 96 00:04:30,781 --> 00:04:32,657 I'm having a friend over today. Who? 97 00:04:32,783 --> 00:04:36,369 Uh, you don't know him. Him? Him? 98 00:04:36,453 --> 00:04:38,871 Ooh, a boy. You gonna kiss him? 99 00:04:38,956 --> 00:04:41,207 - Shut up. - Easy. Easy. 100 00:04:41,333 --> 00:04:43,334 Yeah, shut up! No, you shut up! 101 00:04:43,418 --> 00:04:45,544 - Luke, Alex, why don't you take it outside, okay? - And do what? 102 00:04:45,671 --> 00:04:48,422 Fight in the sun. It'll be a nice change. Haley. 103 00:04:48,507 --> 00:04:50,299 I'm kidding. Who's the boy? 104 00:04:50,384 --> 00:04:52,009 His name is Dylan. 105 00:04:52,094 --> 00:04:53,761 I might as well tell him not to come... 106 00:04:53,845 --> 00:04:55,680 because you guys are just going to embarrass me again. 107 00:04:55,764 --> 00:04:58,557 Sweetie, hang on a second. 108 00:04:58,642 --> 00:05:00,977 You're 15, and it's the first time you've had a boy over. 109 00:05:01,061 --> 00:05:04,438 I'm bound to be a little surprised, but I'm not gonna embarrass you. 110 00:05:04,523 --> 00:05:06,691 - I better charge the camcorder. 111 00:05:06,775 --> 00:05:10,236 I'm kidding. Come on. Who are you talking to? 112 00:05:10,320 --> 00:05:13,698 I'm the cool dad. That's- That's my thing. 113 00:05:13,782 --> 00:05:15,533 I'm hip. I- I surf the Web. 114 00:05:15,617 --> 00:05:19,495 I text. "LOL"- Laugh out loud. "OMG"- Oh, my God. 115 00:05:19,579 --> 00:05:21,664 "WTF"- Why the face? 116 00:05:21,748 --> 00:05:25,626 Um, you know, I know all the dances to High School Musical, so- 117 00:05:33,969 --> 00:05:36,512 Mom! Dad! What happened? 118 00:05:36,638 --> 00:05:39,974 Luke just shot me! I didn't mean to. 119 00:05:40,058 --> 00:05:42,059 Are you okay? No. 120 00:05:42,144 --> 00:05:44,353 - The little bitch shot me. 121 00:05:44,438 --> 00:05:48,274 - Language! - They're only plastic BBs. It was an accident. 122 00:05:48,358 --> 00:05:50,901 What did I tell you would happen if you got him a gun? 123 00:05:51,028 --> 00:05:53,988 Deal with this. Buddy, uncool. 124 00:05:56,116 --> 00:05:58,576 That's it? That's- No, no, no, no. 125 00:05:58,660 --> 00:06:01,787 The agreement was that if he shoots someone, you shoot him. 126 00:06:01,913 --> 00:06:04,623 We were serious about that? Yes, we were. 127 00:06:04,708 --> 00:06:06,917 And now you have to follow through. 128 00:06:07,002 --> 00:06:09,628 I'm so sorry. - Liar. 129 00:06:10,964 --> 00:06:12,965 Go. He's got a birthday party. 130 00:06:13,050 --> 00:06:15,259 - What's more important here, Dad? - You can shoot him afterwards. 131 00:06:15,385 --> 00:06:18,429 He'll be home at 2:00. I can't shoot him at 2:00. I'm showing a house at 2:00. 132 00:06:18,513 --> 00:06:21,432 - What about 3:00? - No, he's got a soccer game at 3:00. 133 00:06:21,516 --> 00:06:24,894 And then- Oh, we gotta leave for that dinner thing at 5:00. 134 00:06:24,978 --> 00:06:26,729 4:15. You could shoot him at 4:15. 135 00:06:26,813 --> 00:06:28,981 Yeah, I guess that works for me. Oh! 136 00:06:29,107 --> 00:06:32,109 "Shoot Luke." Sorry, dude. It's on the calendar. 137 00:06:32,194 --> 00:06:34,653 Oh, come on! 138 00:06:35,822 --> 00:06:38,365 I'm quitting soccer. It is a game for children. 139 00:06:38,450 --> 00:06:40,076 No, you're not quitting. 140 00:06:40,160 --> 00:06:42,953 You would have stopped that goal if you weren't staring at that little girl. 141 00:06:43,038 --> 00:06:46,540 She is not a girl. She's a woman. 142 00:06:48,835 --> 00:06:50,795 You know, Gloria, that little blowup with that other mom- 143 00:06:50,879 --> 00:06:52,588 Why do you have to do things like that? 144 00:06:52,714 --> 00:06:55,508 If somebody says something about my family, I'm going to- I'm just saying. 145 00:06:55,592 --> 00:06:57,510 You could take it down here a little bit. That's all. 146 00:06:57,594 --> 00:06:59,345 Oh, yeah. 'Cause that's where you live, down here. 147 00:06:59,471 --> 00:07:02,473 But I live up here! Yeah, but you don't have to be so emotional all the time. 148 00:07:02,557 --> 00:07:05,226 That's all I'm saying. Manny, you're with me on this, right? 149 00:07:05,352 --> 00:07:07,895 I wanna tell Brenda Feldman I love her. Oh, for God sakes. 150 00:07:08,021 --> 00:07:11,398 Manny, she's 16. Oh. It's okay for you to take an older lover? 151 00:07:11,525 --> 00:07:14,819 Hey, watch it. I wanna go to the mall where she works. 152 00:07:14,903 --> 00:07:18,072 But first I need to get my white shirt, the silk one. 153 00:07:18,198 --> 00:07:20,616 Okay. If that's what you really want to do. Seriously. 154 00:07:20,700 --> 00:07:23,786 Not to be the evil stepdad, but if you put on a puffy white shirt... 155 00:07:23,870 --> 00:07:25,788 and declare your love for a 16-year-old, 156 00:07:25,872 --> 00:07:29,166 you're gonna be swinging from the flagpole in your puffy white underpants. 157 00:07:29,292 --> 00:07:32,419 Stop the car. Oh, where are you going? 158 00:07:36,049 --> 00:07:40,302 See? You hurt his feelings. Ah- Well, if it toughens him up a little bit then- 159 00:07:40,387 --> 00:07:43,013 Oh, geez. He's picking flowers. 160 00:07:43,098 --> 00:07:46,142 Manny's very passionate, just like his father. 161 00:07:46,226 --> 00:07:50,271 My first husband- he's very handsome, but too crazy. 162 00:07:50,355 --> 00:07:55,693 It seemed like all we did was fight and make love, fight and make love, fight and make love. 163 00:07:55,777 --> 00:07:59,446 One time, I'm not kidding you, we fell out the window together. 164 00:07:59,573 --> 00:08:01,407 Which- Which one were you doing? 165 00:08:03,243 --> 00:08:05,911 I'm hearing this for the first time. 166 00:08:05,996 --> 00:08:08,372 This doesn't worry you? 167 00:08:08,456 --> 00:08:10,666 She barely slept on the plane and she's still wide awake. 168 00:08:10,750 --> 00:08:13,711 - Oh, stop worrying. - I can't. 169 00:08:13,795 --> 00:08:15,671 That- That orphanage was all women. 170 00:08:15,755 --> 00:08:18,507 Maybe she just- she can't fall asleep unless she feels a woman's shape. 171 00:08:18,633 --> 00:08:22,094 I guess that's possible. So here. 172 00:08:22,179 --> 00:08:24,305 What the hell is that supposed to mean? 173 00:08:24,389 --> 00:08:27,558 Yes, I've gained a few extra pounds while we were expecting the baby, 174 00:08:27,642 --> 00:08:30,102 which has been very difficult. 175 00:08:30,187 --> 00:08:34,315 But apparently your body does a nesting, very maternal, primal thing... 176 00:08:34,399 --> 00:08:38,819 where it retains nutrients- some sort of molecular physiology thing. 177 00:08:38,904 --> 00:08:40,779 But that's science. 178 00:08:40,864 --> 00:08:44,450 You can't- You can't fight it, so- 179 00:08:47,204 --> 00:08:50,372 - I'm not saying anything. - You're saying everything. 180 00:08:51,583 --> 00:08:53,209 Count to three. One, two- 181 00:08:53,293 --> 00:08:55,586 Three. Okay. 182 00:08:55,712 --> 00:08:58,088 Oh, Cam. This is beautiful. Oh, my God. Do you love it? 183 00:08:58,173 --> 00:08:59,924 Yes, I- 184 00:09:00,008 --> 00:09:01,634 What the hell is that? 185 00:09:01,760 --> 00:09:06,180 I had Andre do it while we were gone. Is that us, with wings? 186 00:09:06,264 --> 00:09:08,641 We're floating above her, always there to protect her. 187 00:09:08,725 --> 00:09:11,268 Okay. Well, that's reassuring, right, Lily? 188 00:09:11,353 --> 00:09:14,521 Yes, we tore you away from everything you know, but don't worry, things are normal here. 189 00:09:14,606 --> 00:09:16,732 Your fathers are floating fairies. No, can you call Andre, 190 00:09:16,816 --> 00:09:19,068 have him paint something a little less gay? 191 00:09:19,152 --> 00:09:22,821 By the way, we need to stop having friends with names like Andre. 192 00:09:22,948 --> 00:09:24,949 Redheaded dad is angry daddy. No, I'm not. 193 00:09:25,033 --> 00:09:27,993 Yes, you are. Even Pepper pointed it out on the way home from the airport. 194 00:09:28,078 --> 00:09:30,079 Okay, that's another one- Pepper. 195 00:09:30,163 --> 00:09:32,081 Okay, what's up? 196 00:09:32,165 --> 00:09:35,292 All right, look. I- 197 00:09:35,377 --> 00:09:39,213 I- I never told my family we were adopting a baby. 198 00:09:39,339 --> 00:09:41,590 And- I know. 199 00:09:41,716 --> 00:09:45,302 You do? Yeah, and I don't blame you. I know your family. 200 00:09:45,387 --> 00:09:47,554 You'd tell 'em. They'd say something judgmental. 201 00:09:47,681 --> 00:09:49,348 Exactly. You'd get mad. 202 00:09:49,432 --> 00:09:51,850 I know. And then something that's supposed to be nothing but joyful... 203 00:09:51,935 --> 00:09:53,560 suddenly turns into this huge fight. 204 00:09:53,687 --> 00:09:56,814 And who wants a big, emotional scene like that? Thank you. Thank you. 205 00:09:56,898 --> 00:09:59,108 I'm so- I'm so relieved you understand. 206 00:09:59,192 --> 00:10:01,443 I invited them over for dinner tonight. 207 00:10:02,946 --> 00:10:04,613 What? I had to. 208 00:10:04,698 --> 00:10:06,991 This would have gone on forever. You're an avoider. 209 00:10:07,075 --> 00:10:09,660 No. No. No. Cam, I'm calling them right now and canceling. 210 00:10:09,744 --> 00:10:13,414 No, you're not. You're telling your family you adopted a baby, tonight. 211 00:10:13,498 --> 00:10:16,667 And you do have avoidance issues. Even Longinus said so. 212 00:10:16,751 --> 00:10:19,461 Are- Are you really not hearing these names? 213 00:10:21,965 --> 00:10:24,508 Don't answer it! I'll get it! 214 00:10:31,891 --> 00:10:34,268 Hi. Hey, you must be Dylan. 215 00:10:34,394 --> 00:10:36,979 Hey. Dylan. Yeah. I'm Haley's mother. 216 00:10:37,063 --> 00:10:38,147 Hey. Mm-hmm. 217 00:10:38,273 --> 00:10:40,482 Come on. Let's go. Okay. Um- 218 00:10:40,567 --> 00:10:42,943 Hang on one second. Um- Whoa. 219 00:10:43,028 --> 00:10:46,447 Dylan, you're still in high school? 220 00:10:46,573 --> 00:10:48,949 Yeah, I'm a senior. A senior. Okay. Cool. 221 00:10:49,034 --> 00:10:53,954 Hey, Phil. Sweetie. Honey. He is Dylan, and he is a senior. 222 00:10:54,039 --> 00:10:56,790 You have to scare him. 223 00:10:56,875 --> 00:10:59,626 Let me meet this "playa." 224 00:10:59,711 --> 00:11:01,712 Phil Dunphy, yo. 225 00:11:06,051 --> 00:11:08,260 It's like that. You just- You just stare down at 'em, 226 00:11:08,345 --> 00:11:10,512 let the eyes do the work. 227 00:11:10,597 --> 00:11:12,514 Your mouth might be saying, "Hey, we cool," 228 00:11:12,599 --> 00:11:14,558 but your eyes are like, "No, we not." 229 00:11:14,642 --> 00:11:17,436 "Nice to meet you." "No, it's not." 230 00:11:18,563 --> 00:11:20,189 "It's all good." 231 00:11:22,442 --> 00:11:23,609 Yo. Yo. 232 00:11:25,111 --> 00:11:27,613 Okay, I see you two guys- Wait, wait, wait. 233 00:11:27,697 --> 00:11:30,324 You two- 234 00:11:31,951 --> 00:11:34,870 You two keep it real, know what I mean, son? 235 00:11:34,954 --> 00:11:36,663 Not really. 236 00:11:36,790 --> 00:11:38,749 Please, stop. That's cool. 237 00:11:38,875 --> 00:11:41,502 Ow. Oh, God! That's my back. Oh, honey. Sweetheart. 238 00:11:41,586 --> 00:11:43,879 Ow! Oh! I slipped in the baby oil. 239 00:11:43,963 --> 00:11:47,174 "Oh, where you from originally?" 240 00:11:47,258 --> 00:11:50,761 "I could defeat you if it came to a physical confrontation." 241 00:11:50,887 --> 00:11:53,597 Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! I don't know about this. Should I call a doctor? 242 00:11:53,681 --> 00:11:56,433 No, no, no, no, no. Okay. 243 00:11:56,518 --> 00:11:58,727 You're very strong, homes. Thanks. 244 00:11:58,853 --> 00:12:01,605 Okay. Nice- Nice soft landing. There you go. 245 00:12:01,731 --> 00:12:04,149 Okay. I am on my side though. Okay, let's go. Come on. 246 00:12:04,275 --> 00:12:06,902 So just flip me right back, and we're good. 247 00:12:06,986 --> 00:12:08,737 We'll be good. 248 00:12:08,822 --> 00:12:12,449 I just need to get flipped right on my back, and we should be fine. So- 249 00:12:16,788 --> 00:12:18,705 Brenda Feldman. 250 00:12:20,250 --> 00:12:22,918 What is that? A poem I have written for Brenda Feldman. 251 00:12:23,002 --> 00:12:27,756 - Of course it is. - I put my thoughts into words and now my words into action. 252 00:12:27,841 --> 00:12:30,300 Hey, I'll give you 50 bucks not to do this. 253 00:12:30,385 --> 00:12:33,011 I'm 11 years old. What am I gonna do with money? 254 00:12:33,096 --> 00:12:35,222 What are you gonna do with a 16-year-old? 255 00:12:35,348 --> 00:12:39,935 He's like a bullfighter. Mmm. You ever see a bullfight? 256 00:12:40,019 --> 00:12:42,896 - I can't watch this. - You're in such a bad mood. 257 00:12:42,981 --> 00:12:46,442 And I know why. It's because that man thought you were my father. 258 00:12:46,526 --> 00:12:47,901 No. Yes. 259 00:12:48,027 --> 00:12:51,238 No. When you say "No" like that, it's always "Yes." 260 00:12:51,322 --> 00:12:54,575 Come on. We're in the mall. Let's get you, like, some younger clothes. 261 00:12:54,701 --> 00:12:57,703 There's a store there. I don't need any younger clothes. 262 00:12:57,787 --> 00:13:01,206 And I don't care what some jackass in a pair of ripped jeans thinks about me. 263 00:13:01,291 --> 00:13:02,958 Good. You shouldn't. 264 00:13:03,042 --> 00:13:05,169 You should only care what I think. 265 00:13:05,253 --> 00:13:07,921 I love you, and I don't care how old you are. 266 00:13:08,006 --> 00:13:11,300 So stop being a gloomy goose and stop being so hard on Manny. 267 00:13:11,384 --> 00:13:13,302 The only reason I'm hard on Manny... 268 00:13:13,386 --> 00:13:15,971 is just because I don't wanna see him make a fool of himself. 269 00:13:16,055 --> 00:13:19,057 And I can smell that hair goo of his from here. 270 00:13:19,142 --> 00:13:22,102 Look, I don't know what's gonna happen to him over there. 271 00:13:22,187 --> 00:13:25,898 But you're his family now, and that means only one thing- 272 00:13:25,982 --> 00:13:30,486 You be the wind in his back, not the spit in his face. 273 00:13:30,612 --> 00:13:33,447 What? It's something my mom always says. 274 00:13:33,531 --> 00:13:36,783 It's gorgeous in Spanish. Look, he's there. 275 00:13:41,456 --> 00:13:45,626 She has a boyfriend. Oh, I'm sorry, mi niño. 276 00:13:45,710 --> 00:13:47,628 I gave her my heart, 277 00:13:47,712 --> 00:13:50,964 she gave me a picture of me as an old-time sheriff. 278 00:13:51,049 --> 00:13:52,466 Oh. 279 00:13:52,592 --> 00:13:55,802 That was pretty stupid of me, wasn't it? No, mi amor. 280 00:13:55,887 --> 00:13:58,222 It was brave. Right, Jay? Brave. 281 00:13:59,265 --> 00:14:01,391 W-Well, you'll know better next time. 282 00:14:01,476 --> 00:14:03,435 Come on. Let's get a pretzel. 283 00:14:05,939 --> 00:14:07,981 Mentira. A mí sí me gusta. 284 00:14:11,194 --> 00:14:14,738 Uh, excuse me, sir. We ask that all mall-walkers stay to the right. 285 00:14:16,010 --> 00:14:22,084 Support us and become VIP member to remove all ads from www.OpenSubtitles.org 286 00:14:28,628 --> 00:14:31,421 Alex, get out! Mom! 287 00:14:31,506 --> 00:14:33,423 Alex, leave your sister alone. 288 00:14:33,508 --> 00:14:35,217 I was just getting my book. Gosh. 289 00:14:35,301 --> 00:14:38,887 I know, sweetie. But you need to respect their privacy. 290 00:14:39,013 --> 00:14:41,265 What are they doing up there? Nothing. 291 00:14:41,349 --> 00:14:44,726 Lying on her bed, watching a movie. 292 00:14:44,811 --> 00:14:47,312 Okay. Okay. 293 00:14:47,397 --> 00:14:51,650 Um, I'm making a cake for tonight. You wanna help me with the frosting? 294 00:14:51,734 --> 00:14:53,485 Sure. 295 00:14:53,570 --> 00:14:56,613 So, you know, if Haley got pregnant, 296 00:14:56,698 --> 00:14:58,907 would you ever pretend she has mono for a few months, 297 00:14:58,992 --> 00:15:01,702 and then, like, tell everyone the baby's yours? 298 00:15:01,828 --> 00:15:04,955 What? This senior at school was "out sick" for four months, 299 00:15:05,039 --> 00:15:08,875 but Jenna Resnick swears she saw her breast-feeding at a coin-op car wash. 300 00:15:14,591 --> 00:15:16,842 Buddy, what are you wearing? 301 00:15:16,926 --> 00:15:19,845 - Nothing. - Uh-uh. No jacket. 302 00:15:19,929 --> 00:15:23,640 One hat. How many pairs of underwear do you have on? 303 00:15:23,725 --> 00:15:27,477 One. Six. 304 00:15:27,562 --> 00:15:30,439 First of all, it would be really cool to see Haley that fat. 305 00:15:30,523 --> 00:15:34,109 And how awesome would it be to have a fake little brother who's really my nephew. 306 00:15:34,193 --> 00:15:36,862 Haley is not getting pregnant. 307 00:15:36,988 --> 00:15:38,905 Just saying "if." I know. 308 00:15:38,990 --> 00:15:42,701 And I know you like to make trouble for your sister, but it's not gonna work this time. 309 00:15:42,785 --> 00:15:45,662 You know why? 'Cause your sister's a good girl. 310 00:15:45,747 --> 00:15:49,750 I know. I was just like her when I was- 311 00:15:49,834 --> 00:15:52,502 I want you to know, I'm not enjoying this. 312 00:15:52,587 --> 00:15:55,005 But this is an important lesson that you're learning. 313 00:15:55,089 --> 00:15:57,633 So, soak it. Keep it. 314 00:16:00,219 --> 00:16:02,304 You're too close. It's gonna hurt. 315 00:16:02,388 --> 00:16:04,097 It's supposed to hurt. 316 00:16:04,182 --> 00:16:07,601 - And why are you smiling? - I'm- What? 317 00:16:19,364 --> 00:16:21,990 Oh, forget it. I can't do this. 318 00:16:22,075 --> 00:16:24,284 The point is you're scared. I think you've learned your lesson. 319 00:16:24,369 --> 00:16:25,327 Wow. 320 00:16:25,411 --> 00:16:26,036 Ow! 321 00:16:27,747 --> 00:16:30,123 Mom! What are you doing? 322 00:16:30,208 --> 00:16:32,876 Oh, hey! I was just, um, dropping off some laundry. 323 00:16:32,960 --> 00:16:34,920 - Is this a bad time? - Yeah. 324 00:16:35,004 --> 00:16:38,256 Oh. Okay. 325 00:16:38,341 --> 00:16:39,925 Uh, can you shut the door, please? 326 00:16:40,009 --> 00:16:43,011 Actually, we're just gonna go ahead and leave that open. 327 00:16:43,096 --> 00:16:44,304 Why? 328 00:16:44,389 --> 00:16:47,391 Because I have, uh, seen this little show before- 329 00:16:47,475 --> 00:16:50,060 lying on the bed with a tall senior. 330 00:16:50,144 --> 00:16:52,062 One minute you're just friends, watching Falcon Crest, 331 00:16:52,146 --> 00:16:54,981 and the next you're lying underneath the air hockey table with your bra in your pocket. 332 00:16:55,066 --> 00:16:56,483 Whoa. Mom! 333 00:16:56,567 --> 00:16:59,403 You hit my bone! - It was an accident! 334 00:16:59,487 --> 00:17:02,989 - I thought you were my friend! - I am your friend. 335 00:17:03,074 --> 00:17:05,200 Dad! Dad, Dad. You have got to talk to Mom. 336 00:17:05,284 --> 00:17:08,078 She is, like, completely freaking out and embarrassing me! 337 00:17:08,162 --> 00:17:09,996 Honey, your mom isn't always as cool about things as- 338 00:17:10,081 --> 00:17:11,039 - Ow! 339 00:17:11,124 --> 00:17:12,624 What is with this thing? 340 00:17:12,709 --> 00:17:14,292 Ow! 341 00:17:16,462 --> 00:17:21,842 My dad. Uh, my dad still isn't completely comfortable with this. 342 00:17:21,926 --> 00:17:24,636 Um- He-He still does this thing. It's been five years now. 343 00:17:24,721 --> 00:17:27,180 And he still does this thing where he announces himself... 344 00:17:27,265 --> 00:17:29,224 before walking into any room we're in... 345 00:17:29,308 --> 00:17:32,894 just to make sure he doesn't have to ever see us kiss. 346 00:17:32,979 --> 00:17:35,105 Wish my mother had that system. 347 00:17:35,231 --> 00:17:37,482 Remember? Not now. 348 00:17:37,567 --> 00:17:39,735 I still can't believe you did this to me. 349 00:17:39,819 --> 00:17:43,697 Would you get in the spirit of things? It's a celebration. 350 00:17:46,743 --> 00:17:49,870 - Oh, God. - Okay, I'm gonna go get Lily ready. 351 00:17:49,996 --> 00:17:52,956 Okay. And I want you to just come straight out with it. 352 00:17:53,082 --> 00:17:54,708 All right. Okay. You can do this. 353 00:17:54,834 --> 00:17:56,042 Yeah. Sports guy chest bump. 354 00:17:56,169 --> 00:17:57,294 No. Sports guy chest bump. 355 00:17:57,420 --> 00:17:59,755 Cam. Oh! All right. Go. Do it. Go. 356 00:17:59,839 --> 00:18:01,798 Sorry. Oh. 357 00:18:06,846 --> 00:18:08,889 Hey. Hi. Hey. 358 00:18:09,015 --> 00:18:11,433 How are you? Hi, guys. Hey. 359 00:18:11,517 --> 00:18:13,560 That looks good. Oh, thank you. Thanks. 360 00:18:13,644 --> 00:18:15,604 Don't thank us. Open it. Dad is coming right behind. 361 00:18:17,398 --> 00:18:19,858 Knock, knock! We're here. Coming in! 362 00:18:19,942 --> 00:18:22,778 Don't worry, Dad. Nothing gay going on here. 363 00:18:22,862 --> 00:18:25,447 May I take your multicolored coat and bejeweled cap? 364 00:18:25,531 --> 00:18:27,908 Yeah. Yeah. Hey, Jay. 365 00:18:27,992 --> 00:18:30,869 Gloria, hi. Hi. 366 00:18:30,995 --> 00:18:33,580 How are you? Hi, Dad. Hi, Gloria. How are you? 367 00:18:33,706 --> 00:18:36,625 Oh, what a beautiful dress. Ay, thank you, Phil. 368 00:18:36,751 --> 00:18:40,086 Okay. Oh, hey- Phil. 369 00:18:40,213 --> 00:18:42,756 That's how she says "Phil." Not "feel." Phil. Oh. 370 00:18:42,840 --> 00:18:45,383 - So how was your trip? - It was good. It was good actually. 371 00:18:45,468 --> 00:18:49,638 But, um, about that, I- I have something that I need to tell you guys. 372 00:18:49,722 --> 00:18:52,015 Um- Uh, we didn't just go to Vietnam for pleasure. 373 00:18:52,099 --> 00:18:54,476 We, uh, kind of have some big news. 374 00:18:54,560 --> 00:18:57,354 Oh, God. If Cam comes out here with boobs, I'm leaving. 375 00:18:57,438 --> 00:18:59,981 - Dad. - I hope he didn't embarrass you, Mom. 376 00:19:00,066 --> 00:19:03,360 Oh, don't mind her. Haley had her first boy over today... 377 00:19:03,444 --> 00:19:05,403 and Phil shot him. 378 00:19:06,572 --> 00:19:09,324 Anyway, um, so, about- about a year ago, 379 00:19:09,408 --> 00:19:11,493 Cam and I started feeling this longing, you know, 380 00:19:11,577 --> 00:19:14,371 for something more, like, uh, maybe a baby? 381 00:19:14,455 --> 00:19:16,915 - Ooh, that's a bad idea. - What do you mean, "bad idea"? 382 00:19:16,999 --> 00:19:20,627 Well, kids need a mother. I mean if you two guys are bored, get a dog. 383 00:19:20,711 --> 00:19:22,879 Okay, we're not bored, Dad. 384 00:19:22,964 --> 00:19:25,257 I support you, Mitchell, even though you're not my son. 385 00:19:25,341 --> 00:19:27,676 I-I-I-I think what Dad is trying to say... 386 00:19:27,760 --> 00:19:30,846 is that, Mitchell, you're a little uptight. 387 00:19:30,930 --> 00:19:34,182 - Kids bring chaos, and- and you don't handle it well. - That's not what Dad's saying. 388 00:19:34,267 --> 00:19:37,352 That's what you're saying. And it's insulting in a whole different way. 389 00:19:37,436 --> 00:19:39,980 Okay, people. Let's all "chillax." 390 00:19:40,106 --> 00:19:42,858 Hey, where's Uncle Cameron? Thank you. Thank you. 391 00:19:42,942 --> 00:19:45,610 Someone who's not insulting me notices he's not here. 392 00:19:45,695 --> 00:19:49,531 Oh, so that's the big announcement, huh? You two broke up. 393 00:19:49,615 --> 00:19:51,616 Well- Well, a baby wasn't gonna help that anyway. 394 00:19:51,701 --> 00:19:55,453 And let me tell you. You're better off, because he was a bit of a drama queen. 395 00:19:55,538 --> 00:19:57,038 No, no, no. Stop. Stop. No. 396 00:19:57,123 --> 00:19:59,833 You come into my house and you insult me and my boyfriend, 397 00:19:59,917 --> 00:20:02,127 who, by the way, is not that dramatic- 398 00:20:21,147 --> 00:20:22,564 Her name is Lily. Oh. 399 00:20:22,690 --> 00:20:25,525 Exciting! Just turn it off. 400 00:20:25,610 --> 00:20:27,861 I can't turn it off. It's who I am. 401 00:20:27,987 --> 00:20:29,988 The music. Oh, yes, the music. 402 00:20:31,866 --> 00:20:35,660 Ay, miren a la princesita. The little princess. She's so cute! 403 00:20:35,786 --> 00:20:37,662 So cute. Thank you. 404 00:20:37,747 --> 00:20:40,749 Let me see her. Let me see her. Let me see her. 405 00:20:40,833 --> 00:20:42,709 Hi there, Lily. 406 00:20:42,835 --> 00:20:45,629 "Lily." Isn't that gonna be hard for her to say? So cute. 407 00:20:45,713 --> 00:20:48,256 Phil. Excuse me. 408 00:20:48,341 --> 00:20:51,551 Okay, I-I-I know that I said I thought this was a bad idea. 409 00:20:51,636 --> 00:20:56,181 But, uh, what do I know? 410 00:20:56,265 --> 00:20:58,767 I mean, it's not like I wrote the book on fatherhood. 411 00:20:58,851 --> 00:21:02,437 Been trying all my life to get it right. I'm still screwing up. 412 00:21:02,521 --> 00:21:05,482 - Right, Manny? - I wrote a song about it in the car. 413 00:21:05,566 --> 00:21:08,735 Of course you did. Uh- 414 00:21:08,819 --> 00:21:12,822 Anyway, I'm happy for you. And, uh, you should know that, uh, 415 00:21:12,907 --> 00:21:15,659 I'm not here to spit in your face, 416 00:21:15,743 --> 00:21:18,536 I'm here to... blow at your back. 417 00:21:18,663 --> 00:21:20,747 I don't understand what that means. I don't- 418 00:21:20,831 --> 00:21:24,125 Well, it's- it's supposed to sound better in Spanish. 419 00:21:24,210 --> 00:21:28,505 Voy a ser la brisa en tu espalda, no quien te escupa en la frente. 420 00:21:28,631 --> 00:21:30,882 Oh, that's beautiful. That's really nice. 421 00:21:30,967 --> 00:21:33,760 And thank you too. 422 00:21:33,844 --> 00:21:35,804 Anyhow, Mitch, uh- 423 00:21:35,888 --> 00:21:38,473 - No, Dad, it's- it's- 424 00:21:38,599 --> 00:21:40,475 I got her. I got her. Oh, she's crying. 425 00:21:40,601 --> 00:21:42,060 She wants her grandpa! She wants her daddy! 426 00:21:42,186 --> 00:21:44,270 Do you wanna meet Grandpa? What? Are you kidding? 427 00:21:44,397 --> 00:21:48,316 She's one of us now. Let me see the little pot sticker. 428 00:21:48,401 --> 00:21:51,820 Hey, you're a cutie, aren't you? 429 00:21:51,946 --> 00:21:55,407 Ah. Look at this. 430 00:21:55,491 --> 00:22:00,161 We're from different worlds, yet we somehow fit together. 431 00:22:00,246 --> 00:22:02,664 Love is what binds us, 432 00:22:02,748 --> 00:22:05,709 through fair or stormy weather. 433 00:22:05,793 --> 00:22:08,336 I stand before you now with only one agenda- 434 00:22:08,421 --> 00:22:11,089 "To let you know my heart is yours, 435 00:22:11,173 --> 00:22:13,550 Feldman comma Brenda." 436 00:22:14,885 --> 00:22:17,470 I mean, seriously. 437 00:22:18,889 --> 00:22:22,142 Luke, so far, hasn't beaten me in basketball. 438 00:22:22,226 --> 00:22:24,436 It's 2-0. 2-0. Okay. Okay. 439 00:22:26,814 --> 00:22:29,941 Get that weak stuff out of my kitchen! Dad, stop it! 440 00:22:30,026 --> 00:22:32,068 Can you do me a favor? Just grab- 441 00:22:32,153 --> 00:22:34,612 Ooh! How's the weather down there? 442 00:22:34,697 --> 00:22:37,115 But when the day comes that he does win- 443 00:22:37,199 --> 00:22:39,117 if- you know- if/when- 444 00:22:39,201 --> 00:22:41,369 he beats me, I'm just gonna be like, 445 00:22:41,454 --> 00:22:43,413 "Well done. Well done." 446 00:22:43,497 --> 00:22:45,790 Just, like, let him- Just support him... 447 00:22:45,875 --> 00:22:47,792 in- in- in that kind of stuff. 448 00:22:47,877 --> 00:22:51,963 I mean, I'd probably want to go, like, two out of three and just see what happens there, but- 449 00:22:58,315 --> 00:23:08,315 Someone needs to stop Clearway Law. Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.