1 00:00:02,314 --> 00:00:04,441 Do we really have to wear these ugly sweaters? 2 00:00:04,524 --> 00:00:07,069 It's just until Grandma can see them. 3 00:00:07,152 --> 00:00:08,820 My neck hole is too small. Mine's itchy. 4 00:00:08,904 --> 00:00:11,073 You know what? I'd rather be itchy than chokey. 5 00:00:11,156 --> 00:00:12,616 Come on, Phil. Hurry up. 6 00:00:12,741 --> 00:00:14,326 Okay, here we go. 7 00:00:14,409 --> 00:00:15,994 Connecting. 8 00:00:16,078 --> 00:00:20,832 Come in, Florida. Over. Mom? Dad? 9 00:00:20,916 --> 00:00:23,502 - Hello, Philip. 10 00:00:23,585 --> 00:00:26,797 Merry Christmas Eve! 11 00:00:26,880 --> 00:00:28,757 Merry Christmas Eve! 12 00:00:28,840 --> 00:00:30,467 A little- little lower, Dad. 13 00:00:30,550 --> 00:00:32,469 Merry Christmas Eve! 14 00:00:32,594 --> 00:00:34,513 Thank you. Get it? 15 00:00:34,596 --> 00:00:37,057 - Thanks for the sweaters. - I-I- Oh, you're welcome. 16 00:00:37,182 --> 00:00:38,976 Thank you. You look beautiful in them, darling. 17 00:00:39,059 --> 00:00:41,937 - Where's Mom? - Mom is sinking fast. 18 00:00:42,062 --> 00:00:43,772 Uh-oh. She's in the bathtub. 19 00:00:43,855 --> 00:00:45,065 Get it? 20 00:00:45,190 --> 00:00:47,442 They have that claw-foot. Honey, come on. 21 00:00:47,526 --> 00:00:49,528 Hey, Pops, here's the tree. 22 00:00:49,611 --> 00:00:54,491 And, uh, there-there's the, uh- there's the ornament you sent us. 23 00:00:54,616 --> 00:00:56,702 Right here. Right here. Oh. 24 00:00:56,785 --> 00:01:01,873 There are the stockings, hung by the chimney by Claire. 25 00:01:01,957 --> 00:01:05,252 Ah! Still funny, Son. 26 00:01:05,377 --> 00:01:06,962 What the hell is that? Still funny. 27 00:01:07,045 --> 00:01:08,922 What is that? That looks like a cigarette burn. 28 00:01:09,047 --> 00:01:10,507 Was one of you smoking a cigarette? What? 29 00:01:10,590 --> 00:01:13,093 - No. - Which one of you was smoking? 30 00:01:13,218 --> 00:01:16,221 Not me. I have a respiratory problem. Obviously it wasn't you. 31 00:01:16,346 --> 00:01:19,433 Now I've got a family of liars and smokers. Honey, come here. 32 00:01:19,516 --> 00:01:22,269 - You gotta see this. - Did you shoplift your Christmas presents too? 33 00:01:22,394 --> 00:01:24,479 Philip? Haley, keep that ugly sweater on. 34 00:01:24,563 --> 00:01:27,816 Anyway, merry Christmas! 35 00:01:27,899 --> 00:01:30,068 ? Hey, hey? 36 00:01:30,152 --> 00:01:34,239 ? Hey, hey Hey, hey? 37 00:01:34,323 --> 00:01:37,576 ? Hey, hey Hey? 38 00:01:40,078 --> 00:01:42,331 No, no, it isn't that kind of a trial. 39 00:01:42,414 --> 00:01:44,416 It's just because he says he's Santa Claus. 40 00:01:44,499 --> 00:01:47,669 But I've got a feeling he is Santa Claus, Mother. 41 00:01:47,794 --> 00:01:50,630 Some people don't believe that. That's why- Are you crying? 42 00:01:50,714 --> 00:01:53,967 What are you, a robot? It's a deeply emotional movie. 43 00:01:54,092 --> 00:01:57,012 Manny, mi amor, I need you to help me in the kitchen. 44 00:01:57,095 --> 00:02:00,682 We gotta finish this first, Gloria. The kid's never seen Miracle on 34th Street. 45 00:02:00,766 --> 00:02:03,852 That's because he always spends Christmas in Colombia with my family. 46 00:02:03,935 --> 00:02:07,147 And all we see there is Salazar and El Oso Save Christmas. 47 00:02:07,272 --> 00:02:09,024 Sounds like a classic. It is. 48 00:02:09,107 --> 00:02:11,777 Mom, can we finish the movie? Okay. 49 00:02:11,902 --> 00:02:14,154 He's not like anyone else. 50 00:02:14,237 --> 00:02:16,239 He must be Santa. 51 00:02:16,323 --> 00:02:18,992 I think perhaps you're right, Susie. 52 00:02:19,076 --> 00:02:20,660 What the hell is that? 53 00:02:20,786 --> 00:02:22,162 What the hell is that? 54 00:02:22,287 --> 00:02:24,498 Inocente! What the hell? 55 00:02:24,581 --> 00:02:27,626 When you told me we were going to watch this movie, 56 00:02:27,709 --> 00:02:29,836 I got a joke copy from the Internet. 57 00:02:29,920 --> 00:02:31,838 You are the inocente! 58 00:02:31,922 --> 00:02:35,675 Well, maybe I'm a little confused right now. What is this "inocente" stuff? 59 00:02:35,759 --> 00:02:38,762 In Colombia, practical jokes are a Christmas tradition. 60 00:02:38,845 --> 00:02:40,806 The one that is fooled is the inocente! 61 00:02:40,889 --> 00:02:43,266 We tell practical jokes on April Fool's Day, 62 00:02:43,392 --> 00:02:46,978 so do not do that again. Ay. 63 00:02:47,104 --> 00:02:50,190 "Inocente." 64 00:02:50,273 --> 00:02:52,943 Does it do it again? Ah, it's ruined. 65 00:02:53,026 --> 00:02:54,694 Are you kidding me with this line? 66 00:02:54,778 --> 00:02:57,364 I'm gonna ask Santa for the last 45 minutes of my life back. 67 00:02:57,447 --> 00:02:59,991 Would you cheer up? We're in Santa's Village with our daughter. 68 00:03:00,117 --> 00:03:03,578 Where were we a year ago? We were at the beginning of this line. 69 00:03:03,703 --> 00:03:06,248 You know what? Somebody needs to get in the holiday- ? God rest ye merry gentlemen? 70 00:03:06,373 --> 00:03:08,792 Son of a bitch. ? Let nothing you dismay? 71 00:03:08,875 --> 00:03:10,919 - ? Remember Christ our savior? - Maybe it's not them. 72 00:03:11,044 --> 00:03:13,296 Oh, it's them. ? Was born on Christmas day? 73 00:03:13,380 --> 00:03:14,631 ? To save us all? It's them. 74 00:03:14,714 --> 00:03:15,841 ? From Satan's power? 75 00:03:15,924 --> 00:03:17,926 Three years ago, I formed a caroling group. 76 00:03:18,009 --> 00:03:19,928 We were known as The Greensleevers. 77 00:03:20,011 --> 00:03:21,930 We would perform at charity events, hospitals- 78 00:03:22,013 --> 00:03:23,807 And they were very, very popular. 79 00:03:23,890 --> 00:03:28,270 Uh, last year, one of my carolers- 80 00:03:28,395 --> 00:03:31,648 Andrew- staged a little coup. 81 00:03:31,731 --> 00:03:33,900 And he, um- 82 00:03:40,073 --> 00:03:41,700 They kicked Cameron out of the group. 83 00:03:41,783 --> 00:03:43,827 ? Save us all from Satan's power? 84 00:03:43,910 --> 00:03:45,829 ? When we were gone astray? 85 00:03:45,912 --> 00:03:50,459 ? O tidings of comfort and joy Comfort and joy? 86 00:03:50,542 --> 00:03:57,048 ? O tidings of comfort and joy? 87 00:03:57,174 --> 00:03:58,842 Thank you. 88 00:03:58,925 --> 00:04:01,470 We're the New Greensleevers. 89 00:04:04,431 --> 00:04:05,932 The New Greensleevers? 90 00:04:06,016 --> 00:04:07,476 Is there a slap mark on my face? 91 00:04:07,559 --> 00:04:09,644 I mean, why is Edna singing the low harmony? 92 00:04:09,728 --> 00:04:11,646 It's like people are applauding out of shock. 93 00:04:11,730 --> 00:04:13,023 Let it go. Why would- 94 00:04:13,148 --> 00:04:15,066 Okay, next. Ah, finally. 95 00:04:16,610 --> 00:04:19,779 Whoa! I'm- I'm sorry. Can I- Could you- 96 00:04:19,863 --> 00:04:21,781 What happened to the other Santa? 97 00:04:21,865 --> 00:04:23,992 Listen, we've been waiting in this line for a really long time, 98 00:04:24,075 --> 00:04:26,703 and we just want a Santa that actually looks like Santa. 99 00:04:26,786 --> 00:04:28,997 Mitchell, it's okay. No, no, no. Cam, it's not okay. 100 00:04:29,080 --> 00:04:31,708 This is Lily's first Christmas. I want to make sure everything is perfect. 101 00:04:31,791 --> 00:04:34,336 And... we're gonna wait for the fat Santa. 102 00:04:34,419 --> 00:04:36,505 All right? I knew this would happen. 103 00:04:36,588 --> 00:04:38,548 I-I don't even know why we hired this guy. 104 00:04:38,632 --> 00:04:41,009 See? Even his elves agree with me. Thank you. 105 00:04:41,092 --> 00:04:43,553 I didn't know Christmas made you so petty. 106 00:04:43,637 --> 00:04:45,430 ? We wish you a merry Christmas? 107 00:04:45,514 --> 00:04:47,474 - ? We wish you a merry Christmas? - Lackluster! 108 00:04:47,599 --> 00:04:50,143 ? We wish you a merry Christmas and a happy New Year? 109 00:04:50,227 --> 00:04:52,145 ? Good tidings we bring? I hate you! 110 00:04:52,229 --> 00:04:55,023 This is unacceptable, and I want to know who did this. 111 00:04:55,106 --> 00:04:57,859 - Hmm? - Nobody, huh? 112 00:04:57,943 --> 00:05:00,195 I guess the couch did it to itself. 113 00:05:00,278 --> 00:05:03,698 Guess it came home after a tough day, lit up a cigarette and then it burned itself. 114 00:05:03,782 --> 00:05:06,409 Is that what happened? Because that makes no sense. 115 00:05:06,493 --> 00:05:08,703 If whoever is responsible doesn't come forward, your father and I... 116 00:05:08,787 --> 00:05:10,539 are just gonna have to punish all three of you. 117 00:05:10,664 --> 00:05:11,831 What? Yeah. 118 00:05:11,915 --> 00:05:13,792 - That's not fair! - I can forgive the smoking, 119 00:05:13,917 --> 00:05:15,377 but I can't forgive the lie. No. 120 00:05:15,460 --> 00:05:17,420 Or the smoking. 121 00:05:18,547 --> 00:05:21,758 No one wants to confess, huh? No? 122 00:05:21,841 --> 00:05:23,969 That's fine, 'cause you know what happens next? 123 00:05:24,052 --> 00:05:25,595 We cancel Christmas! 124 00:05:25,679 --> 00:05:28,557 That's not fair. 125 00:05:28,640 --> 00:05:30,350 Okay, Dad, sure. 126 00:05:30,433 --> 00:05:33,311 Phil has a habit of making big pronouncements to the kids. 127 00:05:33,395 --> 00:05:35,981 One time I told Luke... 128 00:05:36,064 --> 00:05:40,443 that if he didn't put his dirty dishes in the dishwasher, we would put them in his bed. 129 00:05:40,527 --> 00:05:44,322 Phil's problem is follow-through. 130 00:05:46,908 --> 00:05:51,371 We had no more dishes, so we were eating cereal out of the goldfish bowl. 131 00:05:51,454 --> 00:05:53,540 Okay. Guess where I'm headed? 132 00:05:53,623 --> 00:05:55,917 To take down the tree. That's right. 133 00:05:56,042 --> 00:05:57,544 Come on, guys. This is your last chance. 134 00:05:57,627 --> 00:05:59,504 Whoever did this, just take responsibility. 135 00:05:59,588 --> 00:06:03,008 Don't put the rest of us through this. Luke? No? 136 00:06:03,091 --> 00:06:06,636 This is really it. Okay? Here we go. 137 00:06:08,096 --> 00:06:10,974 Three, two, one. 138 00:06:12,142 --> 00:06:14,519 Okay. Good-bye, Dunphy Christmas. 139 00:06:14,603 --> 00:06:16,521 Haley, I guess you're not getting that car. 140 00:06:16,605 --> 00:06:19,774 - I was getting a car? - Nope. I was lying, because that's what we do now. 141 00:06:19,858 --> 00:06:22,152 Dunphys are liars. 142 00:06:29,868 --> 00:06:32,454 When I was in charge, it was all about the music. 143 00:06:32,537 --> 00:06:35,415 I mean, what's with them tossing out candy canes after every carol? 144 00:06:35,540 --> 00:06:38,460 It's pandering. I think you made that clear when you tossed them back. 145 00:06:38,543 --> 00:06:40,462 How am I supposed to get all this in the car? 146 00:06:40,545 --> 00:06:42,422 - Let me give you a hand with that. - Uh, thanks. 147 00:06:42,547 --> 00:06:44,966 Thanks. Thanks, Santa. Can't call me that anymore. 148 00:06:45,050 --> 00:06:47,344 Just got canned. 149 00:06:47,427 --> 00:06:48,928 Oh- Really? 150 00:06:49,012 --> 00:06:51,097 Guess a couple people complained I wasn't fat enough. 151 00:06:51,222 --> 00:06:54,934 Well, that's terrible. That's what I get for trying not to have a second heart attack. 152 00:06:55,018 --> 00:06:57,604 There you go. Always a way to make room. 153 00:06:57,729 --> 00:07:00,649 Take it from someone who lives in his car. Um- 154 00:07:00,732 --> 00:07:02,609 Oh, well, thank you so much. 155 00:07:02,692 --> 00:07:04,611 No problem. Merry Christmas. 156 00:07:04,694 --> 00:07:07,864 Um, wait, wait. Um, please, uh, let me give you a little something... 157 00:07:07,989 --> 00:07:09,491 for your troubles. No, that's okay. No, no, really- 158 00:07:09,616 --> 00:07:11,451 Gosh. Really? Okay. Do you really live in your car? 159 00:07:11,534 --> 00:07:15,955 Yeah. It's not so bad. It's pretty roomy since the wife moved out. 160 00:07:16,039 --> 00:07:19,084 Why don't you come over to our place for dinner tonight? 161 00:07:19,167 --> 00:07:21,795 - Seriously? - Yeah. It's Christmas Eve. 162 00:07:21,878 --> 00:07:24,005 Y-You can't spend it in your car. 163 00:07:24,089 --> 00:07:26,007 Wow, that's really nice of you guys. 164 00:07:26,091 --> 00:07:29,302 Listen, can I bring anything? Ketchup, soy sauce, straws? 165 00:07:29,386 --> 00:07:31,304 We're good. 166 00:07:31,388 --> 00:07:33,682 So, uh, why don't you follow us to our house? 167 00:07:33,807 --> 00:07:35,266 Okay. In your house. 168 00:07:37,560 --> 00:07:38,728 All right! 169 00:07:38,853 --> 00:07:40,271 Cameron. What? 170 00:07:43,149 --> 00:07:48,154 Okay. Tonight, 9:00 sharp, we open one present each. 171 00:07:48,238 --> 00:07:49,823 Pajamas- which we sleep in. 172 00:07:49,906 --> 00:07:52,742 Tomorrow morning, 7:00 a. M., Manny, 173 00:07:52,826 --> 00:07:55,328 on the stairs for the Christmas picture. 174 00:07:55,412 --> 00:07:57,789 Then we open presents. 175 00:07:57,872 --> 00:08:01,126 In Colombia, they open presents at midnight and stay up till morning. 176 00:08:01,209 --> 00:08:04,546 I'm sure that they do, but as you'll notice from the absence of goats in the street, 177 00:08:04,629 --> 00:08:06,131 we are not in Colombia. 178 00:08:06,214 --> 00:08:08,967 Come on! I'm kidding. 179 00:08:09,050 --> 00:08:11,970 Why can't we mix a couple of Colombian traditions in? 180 00:08:12,053 --> 00:08:14,514 - Like what? - Like fireworks. 181 00:08:14,597 --> 00:08:16,516 Come on. You don't have fireworks in Colombia. 182 00:08:16,599 --> 00:08:18,268 You're trying to make me the inocente again. 183 00:08:18,351 --> 00:08:21,688 No, we do. At night the sky is beautiful- very Christmassy. 184 00:08:21,771 --> 00:08:25,483 - That doesn't make any sense. - Look, every country has their own traditions. 185 00:08:25,567 --> 00:08:28,445 In our culture, for example, the baby Jesus is the one... 186 00:08:28,528 --> 00:08:30,905 that brings the gifts, not the Santa Claus. 187 00:08:30,989 --> 00:08:35,410 But that doesn't make sense. How could a newborn baby carry all those presents? 188 00:08:35,493 --> 00:08:37,162 They don't even know where their hands are. 189 00:08:37,245 --> 00:08:39,038 At least a baby can fit through a chimney. 190 00:08:39,122 --> 00:08:42,709 How would you sit on the baby Jesus' lap? You'd squish it. 191 00:08:42,792 --> 00:08:46,588 Manny, next year we'll talk about some of your little Colombian traditions. 192 00:08:46,671 --> 00:08:49,674 - Okay? Maybe. - I know what "maybe" means. 193 00:08:49,758 --> 00:08:52,177 It's like you're trying to take away my whole Christmas. 194 00:08:53,553 --> 00:08:56,806 I can't believe it's all gone. Dad never follows through. 195 00:08:56,890 --> 00:08:59,434 Are you sure one of your friends didn't burn the couch? 196 00:08:59,517 --> 00:09:03,646 Hey, don't look at me. Only one of us was ever caught playing with matches. 197 00:09:03,772 --> 00:09:07,776 Luke? That was a year ago. Just admit you did it. 198 00:09:07,859 --> 00:09:09,486 - You admit you did it! - No! 199 00:09:09,569 --> 00:09:11,738 Okay. Look, I have an idea. 200 00:09:11,821 --> 00:09:13,740 Do you remember the movie Spartacus? 201 00:09:16,159 --> 00:09:20,371 Here's what we do: Luke, you tell Mom and Dad it's your fault. 202 00:09:20,455 --> 00:09:22,540 - I didn't do it. - It doesn't matter. 203 00:09:22,624 --> 00:09:27,504 Because after you confess, Haley and I will each confess to the same thing. 204 00:09:27,587 --> 00:09:29,506 How does that do anything? 205 00:09:29,589 --> 00:09:31,966 They'll be so touched that we're protecting each other... 206 00:09:32,050 --> 00:09:34,427 that they'll have to bring back Christmas. 207 00:09:34,511 --> 00:09:36,429 That's awesome. 208 00:09:37,430 --> 00:09:39,015 How does it work again? 209 00:09:39,098 --> 00:09:41,142 We're gonna pass into legend. 210 00:09:41,226 --> 00:09:43,436 - The parents who canceled Christmas. - I thought you'd be happy. 211 00:09:43,520 --> 00:09:45,355 They'll write songs about us, 212 00:09:45,438 --> 00:09:47,899 make one of those Christmas specials with those ugly little clay people. 213 00:09:47,982 --> 00:09:51,444 You're the one who always says I shouldn't be such a pushover with the kids. 214 00:09:51,528 --> 00:09:54,989 - So this is where you decide to make your stand? Really, Phil? - Okay. Okay, look. 215 00:09:55,073 --> 00:09:56,991 Don't worry. We're going to have Christmas. 216 00:09:57,075 --> 00:09:59,828 We've raised our kids right. Whoever did it will come forward. 217 00:09:59,911 --> 00:10:02,455 Or the other two will rat 'em out. 218 00:10:02,539 --> 00:10:03,998 Mom, Dad. 219 00:10:04,082 --> 00:10:08,461 Hey, Luke. What, uh- What can we do for you? 220 00:10:11,756 --> 00:10:13,341 I did it. 221 00:10:13,424 --> 00:10:15,885 I was playing with matches. I'm sorry. 222 00:10:15,969 --> 00:10:19,347 You, uh- You did the right thing- Yeah. 223 00:10:19,430 --> 00:10:22,350 by confessing, but, um- 224 00:10:22,433 --> 00:10:25,854 This is bad, buddy. I mean, really bad, okay? 225 00:10:25,937 --> 00:10:28,690 Claire, you want to handle this? 226 00:10:28,773 --> 00:10:31,776 Um, Luke, why didn't you say something? 227 00:10:31,860 --> 00:10:33,611 Mmm, I don't know. 228 00:10:33,695 --> 00:10:37,740 Okay, well, your father and I are extremely disappointed in you, so- 229 00:10:37,824 --> 00:10:40,493 Go up to your room. Go on. 230 00:10:40,618 --> 00:10:42,912 Alex! We'll be up to talk to you in a minute. Just go. 231 00:10:43,037 --> 00:10:44,247 Haley! What? 232 00:10:44,330 --> 00:10:46,249 - Say something! - About what? 233 00:10:46,374 --> 00:10:48,209 Uh, I take it back! What is going on? 234 00:10:48,293 --> 00:10:51,671 These guys were gonna say they did it too, and you were gonna be proud of all of us. 235 00:10:51,796 --> 00:10:54,215 Why would we do that? I don't know what to believe with this kid. 236 00:10:54,299 --> 00:10:56,009 Liars! I didn't do it! 237 00:10:56,134 --> 00:10:57,886 Well, it wasn't me. Don't look at me. 238 00:10:58,011 --> 00:11:00,054 Seriously? Wait. 239 00:11:00,138 --> 00:11:02,223 Nobody did it again? 240 00:11:02,307 --> 00:11:04,267 No, that's fine. 241 00:11:04,350 --> 00:11:07,061 Guess what? Christmas is still canceled. 242 00:11:07,145 --> 00:11:09,063 That's fine by me. 243 00:11:09,147 --> 00:11:11,816 Let's start working on next year. 244 00:11:11,900 --> 00:11:14,152 Hey, and memo to New Year's Eve... 245 00:11:14,235 --> 00:11:16,321 and Easter- 246 00:11:16,404 --> 00:11:18,489 Watch your back! 247 00:11:18,698 --> 00:11:22,410 So, after I left the marines, I just kinda traveled the world. 248 00:11:22,493 --> 00:11:25,079 Now I go from town to town picking up odd jobs. 249 00:11:25,163 --> 00:11:26,706 Oh. Kinda like the Hulk. 250 00:11:26,831 --> 00:11:30,209 That's weird. That was my nickname in the corps- 251 00:11:30,293 --> 00:11:33,171 'cause of my bad temper. 252 00:11:34,172 --> 00:11:37,342 Anyway, thanks for having me over, 253 00:11:37,425 --> 00:11:39,636 having me for dinner, letting me do my laundry. 254 00:11:39,761 --> 00:11:42,931 It's not been a good day. 255 00:11:43,056 --> 00:11:47,602 Um, Scott, I-I have a confession to make. Yeah? 256 00:11:47,685 --> 00:11:50,188 Um, I didn't, uh- 257 00:11:50,271 --> 00:11:51,814 I didn't clean the lint tray, 258 00:11:51,898 --> 00:11:54,025 so, um, your clothes might be a little pilly. 259 00:11:54,108 --> 00:11:56,277 Oh, no problem. That's the least of my worries. 260 00:11:56,361 --> 00:11:59,322 Thanks for everything. You guys made my day. 261 00:11:59,405 --> 00:12:02,367 - It's the least we could do. - What do you mean? 262 00:12:02,450 --> 00:12:05,453 - I don't know... what I was saying. 263 00:12:10,708 --> 00:12:13,294 I just say we never tell him. Exactly. 264 00:12:13,378 --> 00:12:17,048 We give him some money, a hot meal, laundry. I think we're square. 265 00:12:17,131 --> 00:12:19,592 Agreed. Okay, how does this thing work? 266 00:12:19,676 --> 00:12:22,553 Yeah, I think you just press that button right there in the middle. Yeah. 267 00:12:22,679 --> 00:12:24,597 Oh, my- Okay. That- 268 00:12:24,681 --> 00:12:26,307 That seems a little high, doesn't it? 269 00:12:26,391 --> 00:12:29,143 Yes. I'm not putting Lily in that. It's like something astronauts train in. 270 00:12:29,227 --> 00:12:32,438 Ho, ho, ho! It's me! Ho, ho, ho! It's me! 271 00:12:32,563 --> 00:12:34,482 It's your dad. Yeah. 272 00:12:34,565 --> 00:12:37,527 Hey, Dad. Hi. Hey, guys. Hey! 273 00:12:37,652 --> 00:12:40,238 I brought your presents. Aren't we seeing you tomorrow, Jay? 274 00:12:40,363 --> 00:12:42,657 These are your Christmas Eve gifts. You know the drill. Oh, yeah. 275 00:12:42,740 --> 00:12:44,909 You open those up before bedtime. They're pajamas. 276 00:12:45,034 --> 00:12:47,829 Still keeping traditions alive, huh? Well, someone has to. 277 00:12:47,912 --> 00:12:52,166 I got two Colombians at home trying to turn Christmas into Cinco de Mayo. 278 00:12:52,291 --> 00:12:54,961 You know that's Mexican, right? Ah, burrito, "bur-right-o." 279 00:12:55,044 --> 00:12:56,963 Christmas should be Christmas. 280 00:12:57,046 --> 00:13:00,091 Picture on the stairs, hot chocolate, opening the presents. 281 00:13:00,174 --> 00:13:03,177 That was supposed to be the good thing about having a kid in the house again. 282 00:13:03,302 --> 00:13:05,805 I can have Christmas the way we used to. I hear you, Jay. 283 00:13:05,888 --> 00:13:09,100 If I was home right now, I'd be mixin' up a bathtub full of eggnog... 284 00:13:09,183 --> 00:13:11,352 and trying to squeeze a greased hog into a Santa hat. 285 00:13:11,436 --> 00:13:13,354 You don't think I miss that? 286 00:13:13,438 --> 00:13:14,772 Do you? 287 00:13:16,399 --> 00:13:20,028 The point is that those are memories that I'll always have, 288 00:13:20,111 --> 00:13:22,655 but now I have the perfect opportunity... 289 00:13:22,739 --> 00:13:24,365 to create new memories with my new family... 290 00:13:24,449 --> 00:13:26,242 that are gonna be just as special someday. 291 00:13:26,325 --> 00:13:29,245 Aw. No. Cam's right, you know. 292 00:13:29,328 --> 00:13:31,080 We create new traditions every year. 293 00:13:31,164 --> 00:13:34,250 So, who's ready to try the swing? 294 00:13:39,213 --> 00:13:41,466 Okay, now remind me. We put this in the oven... 295 00:13:41,549 --> 00:13:44,635 first thing tomorrow 'cause Jay wants to eat at 3:00. 296 00:13:44,719 --> 00:13:48,431 Ay, Manny! Did you put this spider in the fridge? 297 00:13:48,514 --> 00:13:50,558 Oh, yeah. Inocente. 298 00:13:50,641 --> 00:13:52,685 Ay, papi, what's wrong? 299 00:13:52,769 --> 00:13:56,689 I want to have Christmas like they do in Colombia. Jay is messing everything up. 300 00:13:56,773 --> 00:14:02,195 Manny, try to understand. Jay has great memories with his kids when they were young. 301 00:14:02,278 --> 00:14:04,489 And he just wants to recreate them with you. 302 00:14:05,782 --> 00:14:07,784 So, maybe the best gift I could give Jay would be... 303 00:14:07,867 --> 00:14:09,952 Christmas like he used to have it? 304 00:14:10,036 --> 00:14:12,580 Ay, you're such a beautiful boy! 305 00:14:12,663 --> 00:14:14,665 One day you're gonna grow up, and I'm gonna miss... 306 00:14:14,749 --> 00:14:16,876 all the things that you used to do as a little boy. 307 00:14:16,959 --> 00:14:20,129 Okay. But if this so-called Santa Claus... 308 00:14:20,213 --> 00:14:24,383 doesn't bring me a burgundy dinner jacket, we're going to have a big problem. 309 00:14:26,260 --> 00:14:28,387 Honey? Hmm? 310 00:14:30,014 --> 00:14:32,016 Would it really be so bad to back down? 311 00:14:32,100 --> 00:14:34,977 And have the kids never take any of our threats seriously again? 312 00:14:35,061 --> 00:14:37,021 Yeah. Mmm. 313 00:14:39,690 --> 00:14:42,485 Or... the kids could realize... 314 00:14:42,568 --> 00:14:44,821 that we're making a supreme sacrifice... 315 00:14:44,904 --> 00:14:47,949 by giving up our power to save their Christmas. 316 00:14:48,032 --> 00:14:51,744 Which would, in a way, be the greatest gift that we could ever give them. 317 00:14:51,828 --> 00:14:54,413 And which would paradoxically make them respect us even more. 318 00:14:54,539 --> 00:14:56,457 Okay, forget that. Go back one. 319 00:14:56,541 --> 00:14:58,668 Hey, guys. 320 00:14:58,751 --> 00:15:01,170 It- It was me. 321 00:15:01,254 --> 00:15:02,839 What? What? 322 00:15:04,674 --> 00:15:06,717 I found a cigarette at school, 323 00:15:06,801 --> 00:15:11,305 and when no one was home, I- I tried it. 324 00:15:11,389 --> 00:15:16,018 And I-I guess I held it too close to the couch. 325 00:15:16,102 --> 00:15:18,229 I'm so sorry. 326 00:15:18,312 --> 00:15:22,275 You can take my Christmas away, but don't take it from everyone else. 327 00:15:22,400 --> 00:15:24,318 That is very noble of you- Mm-hmm. 328 00:15:24,402 --> 00:15:27,446 to care about the family, but you still smoked and lied. 329 00:15:27,572 --> 00:15:29,448 That's really bad. Mmm. 330 00:15:29,574 --> 00:15:31,868 Now help me grab the tree. Phil. 331 00:15:31,951 --> 00:15:34,912 Phil, Alex, come on back. 332 00:15:38,499 --> 00:15:41,252 Starting December 26, you are grounded for a full week, 333 00:15:41,335 --> 00:15:43,254 and that includes New Year's Eve. 334 00:15:43,379 --> 00:15:45,256 But, I was- Yeah, non-negotiable. So- 335 00:15:45,381 --> 00:15:46,507 Mmm. Yeah. 336 00:15:46,591 --> 00:15:48,676 Fine. 337 00:15:48,759 --> 00:15:50,761 Everybody! 338 00:15:50,845 --> 00:15:54,182 It's official! Christmas is back on! 339 00:15:54,265 --> 00:15:55,850 It is? What happened? 340 00:15:55,933 --> 00:15:58,519 Doesn't matter. Stockings, lights, ornaments, wreath! 341 00:15:58,603 --> 00:16:00,605 Go, go, go! Okay. 342 00:16:01,814 --> 00:16:04,400 Well, that sounds like a stressful job to me. 343 00:16:04,483 --> 00:16:06,527 Mmm. Not as much as you'd think. 344 00:16:06,611 --> 00:16:09,822 They always made sure one of us had a blank, so nobody knew who took the fatal shot. 345 00:16:09,906 --> 00:16:12,783 - This was mighty tasty. 346 00:16:12,867 --> 00:16:15,661 Well, I don't want to overstay my welcome. You won't have me back. 347 00:16:15,745 --> 00:16:18,289 - You guys enjoy the rest of your night. 348 00:16:18,372 --> 00:16:20,291 You're good people. 349 00:16:22,293 --> 00:16:24,795 Scott. Wait, wait. 350 00:16:25,880 --> 00:16:27,506 Don't forget your laundry. 351 00:16:27,590 --> 00:16:29,550 Oh! Thanks. Thanks, thanks, thanks, thanks. 352 00:16:29,634 --> 00:16:31,052 - Merry Christmas. - Scott, merry Christmas to you. 353 00:16:31,177 --> 00:16:33,512 ? We wish you a merry Christmas? And happy- Son of a bitch. 354 00:16:33,596 --> 00:16:36,390 - What? - Oh. It's the New Greensleevers. 355 00:16:36,474 --> 00:16:38,893 They're Cameron's old caroling group. They kicked him out this year. 356 00:16:39,018 --> 00:16:41,854 I mean, it is one thing to kick me out of the group, 357 00:16:41,938 --> 00:16:43,606 but to rub my nose in it! 358 00:16:43,731 --> 00:16:46,651 I'm turning on the sprinklers. Wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. 359 00:16:46,734 --> 00:16:48,819 I know it feels good to get even. 360 00:16:48,903 --> 00:16:50,821 Believe me. 361 00:16:50,905 --> 00:16:53,824 To see the fear in a man's eyes is- 362 00:16:53,908 --> 00:16:58,621 But there's something that feels even better. 363 00:16:58,746 --> 00:17:01,707 Forgiveness. 364 00:17:01,791 --> 00:17:05,127 Scott, you don't understand. This- This group was my Dreamgirls. 365 00:17:05,211 --> 00:17:06,712 I was Effie. 366 00:17:06,796 --> 00:17:10,424 You know what the best thing I did all day was? 367 00:17:10,508 --> 00:17:12,677 Forgiving you for getting me fired. 368 00:17:12,760 --> 00:17:15,972 ? Happy New Year Merry Christmas? 369 00:17:16,055 --> 00:17:19,183 ? Jingle bells, jingle bells Jingle all the way? 370 00:17:19,267 --> 00:17:22,228 ? Oh, what fun it is to ride in a one-horse open one-horse open? 371 00:17:22,311 --> 00:17:25,314 ? One-horse open sleigh? 372 00:17:25,398 --> 00:17:27,316 ? Jingle all the way Hey? 373 00:17:27,400 --> 00:17:29,568 Andrew. 374 00:17:29,652 --> 00:17:31,195 Ensemble. 375 00:17:31,279 --> 00:17:37,243 Uh, I know it's no accident that you're here on my street tonight. 376 00:17:37,326 --> 00:17:39,954 And I- 377 00:17:40,037 --> 00:17:44,417 I just wanted to say to you all that you sound great. 378 00:17:44,500 --> 00:17:47,420 And... merry Christmas. 379 00:17:47,503 --> 00:17:49,171 Wow. 380 00:17:49,255 --> 00:17:51,173 Even your apology is off-key. 381 00:17:51,257 --> 00:17:52,967 Not cool, buddy. 382 00:17:54,677 --> 00:17:58,014 Well, I should, uh, probably scoot. 383 00:17:58,097 --> 00:18:00,975 But-But- But what about forgiveness? 384 00:18:01,058 --> 00:18:03,185 You were nice. He was naughty. 385 00:18:06,981 --> 00:18:10,234 Where were you for so long? 386 00:18:10,318 --> 00:18:12,069 Just a little last-minute shopping. Ah. 387 00:18:12,194 --> 00:18:14,113 What's this? Buñuelos. 388 00:18:14,238 --> 00:18:16,115 Who? What? Cheese fritters. 389 00:18:16,198 --> 00:18:18,242 It's a Colombian traditional Christmas food. 390 00:18:18,326 --> 00:18:20,244 Okay, new rule: From now on... 391 00:18:20,328 --> 00:18:22,830 we do Colombian things when we're in Colombia. 392 00:18:22,913 --> 00:18:25,791 We do American things when we're in America. 393 00:18:25,875 --> 00:18:28,294 That means no more of your food, no more of your music... 394 00:18:28,377 --> 00:18:31,130 and especially no more of your crazy holidays! 395 00:18:34,133 --> 00:18:36,844 - Inocente! - Ay, Jay! 396 00:18:36,927 --> 00:18:39,472 What? Did I say it wrong? You two are total inocentes! 397 00:18:39,555 --> 00:18:42,058 - You should see the look on your faces. - Aw! 398 00:18:42,141 --> 00:18:45,144 And by the way- You know how hard it is to get fireworks on Christmas Eve? 399 00:18:45,227 --> 00:18:47,563 Go, Manny. Thank you. 400 00:18:52,485 --> 00:18:56,155 All righty. Here's another one for Luke. 401 00:18:56,280 --> 00:18:59,367 Looks like a book. I have a book already. 402 00:18:59,450 --> 00:19:03,079 What is that? Oh, my God. The couch is smoking. 403 00:19:03,162 --> 00:19:05,498 Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa. 404 00:19:07,958 --> 00:19:09,460 It's sunlight. 405 00:19:09,543 --> 00:19:11,545 It's the ornament. 406 00:19:11,629 --> 00:19:15,341 Cool. It's like a magnifying glass. 407 00:19:15,424 --> 00:19:17,426 Hey, how weird is that? It's burning a hole... 408 00:19:17,510 --> 00:19:20,012 in the exact same spot that Alex was smoking in. 409 00:19:20,096 --> 00:19:21,639 Oh, Haley. 410 00:19:21,722 --> 00:19:24,100 Alex, why'd you take the blame? 411 00:19:24,225 --> 00:19:26,977 I didn't want to lose Christmas. Hmm. 412 00:19:27,103 --> 00:19:29,897 That is so stinking beautiful. Mm-hmm. 413 00:19:30,022 --> 00:19:31,899 Mm-hmm. Get in here. 414 00:19:32,024 --> 00:19:33,776 No. Yes. 415 00:19:33,859 --> 00:19:34,902 Oh, no. Yes. 416 00:19:35,027 --> 00:19:37,279 Oh, yes! Bear hug! 417 00:19:39,365 --> 00:19:42,743 Wait a- You were going to take Christmas away for something that none of us did? 418 00:19:42,827 --> 00:19:47,039 Well, um, Christmas is about moving forward. 419 00:19:47,164 --> 00:19:49,917 I've never heard that. Actually, honey, you did kinda shoot your mouth off. 420 00:19:50,042 --> 00:19:52,586 You called us all liars. And- Yeah, and then- 421 00:19:52,711 --> 00:19:55,089 It's hard to say. I don't know. Let's- Yeah, you did, and then- 422 00:19:55,214 --> 00:19:59,468 Let's not all get worked up. I made a mistake! 423 00:19:59,552 --> 00:20:04,056 I made a mistake. And people make mistakes. 424 00:20:04,140 --> 00:20:08,269 And they make up for those mistakes- 425 00:20:08,394 --> 00:20:10,688 Mm-hmm? by... 426 00:20:10,771 --> 00:20:15,443 taking their family to Italy! 427 00:20:15,526 --> 00:20:16,861 Oh, my God! Yeah! 428 00:20:16,986 --> 00:20:21,365 Can Dylan come? Yeah! Yeah! 429 00:20:23,576 --> 00:20:25,619 Who wants some dark meat? 430 00:20:25,703 --> 00:20:29,331 We talk a lot about tradition this time of year. 431 00:20:29,415 --> 00:20:32,126 But as much as we love our traditions, 432 00:20:32,209 --> 00:20:37,423 sometimes our best memories come from the times that are the most untraditional. 433 00:20:37,506 --> 00:20:39,508 Inocente! 434 00:20:41,385 --> 00:20:44,680 We remember the year Mom and Dad went crazy. 435 00:20:44,763 --> 00:20:49,268 We remember the year Santa punched out the caroler. 436 00:20:51,270 --> 00:20:56,192 But for me, this was the year that the word "tradition"... 437 00:20:56,275 --> 00:20:58,277 got a lot bigger. 438 00:21:06,243 --> 00:21:09,997 ? All is calm? 439 00:21:10,080 --> 00:21:11,123 There's Cam. 440 00:21:11,248 --> 00:21:13,584 ? All is bright? 441 00:21:13,667 --> 00:21:20,841 ? Sleep in heavenly peace? 442 00:21:20,925 --> 00:21:26,805 ? Sleep in heavenly peace? 443 00:21:26,889 --> 00:21:29,308 - Ah, you didn't. 444 00:21:29,433 --> 00:21:31,977 You got me again.