1 00:00:04,534 --> 00:00:06,234 Happy Valentine's Day. 2 00:00:06,486 --> 00:00:08,447 Happy Valentine's Day. 3 00:00:15,234 --> 00:00:16,886 So, Fratelli's tonight? 4 00:00:17,073 --> 00:00:18,625 Hello, cannoli canoe. 5 00:00:20,360 --> 00:00:21,869 I like it. Nice fit. 6 00:00:22,947 --> 00:00:24,248 Swanky material. 7 00:00:25,089 --> 00:00:26,955 You look so strong and sexy, 8 00:00:27,080 --> 00:00:29,583 like an olympic wrestler but with money. 9 00:00:30,806 --> 00:00:31,807 Your turn. 10 00:00:33,147 --> 00:00:34,911 It's my favorite day in America! 11 00:00:35,036 --> 00:00:36,736 Happy Valentine's Day, gorgeous. 12 00:00:37,948 --> 00:00:39,229 They're huge! 13 00:00:39,662 --> 00:00:41,073 Oh, my God! 14 00:00:41,198 --> 00:00:42,308 Those will work. 15 00:00:43,200 --> 00:00:44,917 - Beautiful. - You can wear them tonight. 16 00:00:45,550 --> 00:00:46,589 I have a surprise. 17 00:00:48,425 --> 00:00:50,471 Don't tell me, you're finally taking me 18 00:00:50,640 --> 00:00:52,052 salsa dancing! 19 00:00:54,170 --> 00:00:55,704 And who's David Brenner? 20 00:00:55,829 --> 00:00:57,140 Only a Vegas legend. 21 00:00:57,417 --> 00:00:58,475 Is he a magician? 22 00:00:58,656 --> 00:00:59,866 'cause I love magicians. 23 00:01:00,034 --> 00:01:01,335 He's a comedian. 24 00:01:01,500 --> 00:01:02,619 A comedian. 25 00:01:03,116 --> 00:01:05,693 It's Valentine's Day. I thought we were going salsa dancing, 26 00:01:05,818 --> 00:01:07,865 - not to watch a comedian. - You're gonna love him. 27 00:01:08,270 --> 00:01:09,835 Trust me. The guy's hilarious! 28 00:01:10,819 --> 00:01:12,339 Okay. Tell me one of his jokes. 29 00:01:12,517 --> 00:01:15,245 - Well, he doesn't do jokes. - Does he have a mallet? 30 00:01:16,325 --> 00:01:18,084 So, then, how does he get hit in the head? 31 00:01:18,209 --> 00:01:20,156 He doesn't get "hit in the head." 32 00:01:20,715 --> 00:01:22,061 He makes observations. 33 00:01:22,948 --> 00:01:24,653 He tells the truth in a funny way. 34 00:01:24,778 --> 00:01:27,671 Come on, he's been on "Johnny Carson" a hundred times. 35 00:01:28,023 --> 00:01:30,471 - Who the hell is Johnny Carson? - Oh, for god's sake. 36 00:01:30,597 --> 00:01:32,493 Gloria and I are from different generations, 37 00:01:32,619 --> 00:01:34,476 and I won't lie, it isn't always easy. 38 00:01:34,602 --> 00:01:37,759 I mean, last week she thought Simon and Garfunkel were my lawyers. 39 00:01:38,640 --> 00:01:40,464 - No, I didn't. - It was a joke. 40 00:01:41,047 --> 00:01:43,817 - I don't get it. - That's because there's no mallet. 41 00:01:43,942 --> 00:01:46,344 Yeah, I wish I had a mallet right now. 42 00:01:47,347 --> 00:01:49,047 Just stay in Northern Cal... 43 00:01:49,215 --> 00:01:52,602 Did you indicate to her how long that you were gonna take? 44 00:01:52,727 --> 00:01:54,991 - Happy Valentine's Day. - Happy Valentine's Day. 45 00:01:56,350 --> 00:01:57,770 "Happy Valentine's Day, daddy." 46 00:01:57,895 --> 00:01:59,797 Happy Valentine's Day, Lily. 47 00:02:00,602 --> 00:02:02,403 Notice anything different? 48 00:02:03,131 --> 00:02:06,481 - Oh, that is cute. - "Cute"? We spent time on this. 49 00:02:06,876 --> 00:02:09,086 I don't see how. You just cut up one of your boas. 50 00:02:10,029 --> 00:02:11,695 Actually, no, we repurposed it. 51 00:02:11,820 --> 00:02:14,263 It was sort of a "Bob Mackie meets Martha Stewart" project. 52 00:02:15,083 --> 00:02:17,366 Well, we just thought it would be a nice surprise. 53 00:02:17,491 --> 00:02:20,126 It's hardly a surprise. You dress her up for every holiday. 54 00:02:20,372 --> 00:02:23,783 I was giving her a bath, I saw traces of Martin Luther King behind her ear. 55 00:02:23,908 --> 00:02:27,671 - Not in the spirit. We get it. - No, I'm sorry. It's adorable. 56 00:02:28,424 --> 00:02:30,378 I'm really nervous about my closing argument. 57 00:02:30,548 --> 00:02:32,634 You've been rehearsing for weeks. You'll be great. 58 00:02:32,803 --> 00:02:33,869 Let's hope so. 59 00:02:34,055 --> 00:02:36,370 And I was wondering, since you're gonna be in court all day... 60 00:02:36,495 --> 00:02:38,397 You can open the chocolates. 61 00:02:39,186 --> 00:02:39,987 Score! 62 00:02:43,617 --> 00:02:44,692 Hi, Dylan. 63 00:02:44,817 --> 00:02:47,069 Happy Valentine's Day, Mrs. Dunphy. 64 00:02:48,574 --> 00:02:50,635 Dylan, thank you. That is so sweet. 65 00:02:50,760 --> 00:02:54,009 You know, all women should look as tasty as you when they're old. 66 00:02:54,845 --> 00:02:55,896 Conflicted. 67 00:02:56,596 --> 00:02:57,449 Hey, baby! 68 00:02:58,319 --> 00:03:01,044 Take this sweet gift as a token of my affection, 69 00:03:01,169 --> 00:03:04,873 - my unending love and admiration. - Oh, my God! Yay, it's big! 70 00:03:08,954 --> 00:03:10,975 It's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen! 71 00:03:11,100 --> 00:03:13,261 You've got to put a black light on it. 72 00:03:13,386 --> 00:03:14,938 It'll blow your mind. 73 00:03:15,977 --> 00:03:18,454 - Dylan, I didn't know you could paint. - Oh, I didn't. 74 00:03:18,785 --> 00:03:22,190 I took a photo and I put it through this program that turns it into a painting. 75 00:03:23,415 --> 00:03:25,582 So you two actually did... 76 00:03:26,304 --> 00:03:27,105 That. 77 00:03:29,319 --> 00:03:31,183 Let's go put this over my bed. 78 00:03:31,912 --> 00:03:34,341 You don't need to be in the bedroom at all. 79 00:03:34,466 --> 00:03:35,618 I'll take it. 80 00:03:37,264 --> 00:03:38,566 Did he trump me? 81 00:03:39,234 --> 00:03:40,329 You tell me. 82 00:03:40,454 --> 00:03:42,935 He made a painting out of a photograph one time. 83 00:03:43,060 --> 00:03:44,812 I have handpicked a card, 84 00:03:45,606 --> 00:03:48,899 drawn a heart in the steam on the medicine cabinet, and taken Claire 85 00:03:49,142 --> 00:03:51,626 to Fratelli's, a family-style Italian restaurant, 86 00:03:51,945 --> 00:03:55,578 for 17 years in a row. Yeah, he got me. He got me. 87 00:03:55,946 --> 00:03:58,266 Subtitles by Kevin & Tyno 88 00:03:58,391 --> 00:04:00,476 www.seriessub.com www.sous-titres.eu 89 00:04:07,784 --> 00:04:08,835 Bye, honey. 90 00:04:09,077 --> 00:04:10,988 - See you later. - See you later. 91 00:04:11,113 --> 00:04:12,565 Phil, what is that? 92 00:04:14,154 --> 00:04:17,061 You know, we don't have to go to Fratelli's tonight. 93 00:04:18,327 --> 00:04:20,379 Okay, what do you have in mind? 94 00:04:21,266 --> 00:04:25,270 Well, I thought you might enjoy a night at a hotel. 95 00:04:26,358 --> 00:04:28,699 I would. But would you and the kids be okay? 96 00:04:29,173 --> 00:04:31,079 - I meant together. - I know. 97 00:04:31,439 --> 00:04:32,934 I know. I got it. 98 00:04:33,545 --> 00:04:34,353 So... 99 00:04:35,671 --> 00:04:37,072 What do you think? 100 00:04:37,798 --> 00:04:40,210 I think you're not getting any sleep tonight. 101 00:04:40,335 --> 00:04:43,227 So you might want to take a nap at work today. 102 00:04:44,190 --> 00:04:46,055 I always do. 103 00:04:50,397 --> 00:04:51,302 Sweetie. 104 00:04:52,109 --> 00:04:55,636 As long as we're talking about being a little bit... naughty, 105 00:04:55,761 --> 00:04:58,779 what would you say to a little... 106 00:04:59,739 --> 00:05:01,599 - role playing? - Role playing? 107 00:05:04,495 --> 00:05:05,346 I'm in. 108 00:05:05,771 --> 00:05:07,693 I'll set up sleepovers for the kids. 109 00:05:07,919 --> 00:05:10,343 And I'll swing by after work to pick you up. 110 00:05:11,745 --> 00:05:14,077 Why don't you meet me in the hotel bar 111 00:05:14,202 --> 00:05:16,795 and see if you can pick me up there? 112 00:05:17,135 --> 00:05:20,589 Careful, lady, you're gonna wake up a sexy sleeping giant. 113 00:05:22,874 --> 00:05:25,026 Perhaps I'll be Reginald Appleby. 114 00:05:25,597 --> 00:05:28,694 An English gentleman in town for a polo match. 115 00:05:30,109 --> 00:05:30,910 Or... 116 00:05:31,198 --> 00:05:34,121 Honorable businessman from Hong Kong... 117 00:05:34,290 --> 00:05:35,806 You're kinda wrecking it. 118 00:05:39,466 --> 00:05:40,856 It's not a big deal, Claire. 119 00:05:40,981 --> 00:05:42,722 I just train tigers for a living. 120 00:05:44,051 --> 00:05:45,052 Too... no? 121 00:05:54,651 --> 00:05:55,864 Are these rose petals? 122 00:05:55,989 --> 00:05:57,584 Yes, to commemorate our love. 123 00:05:58,114 --> 00:05:59,156 I had to settle. 124 00:05:59,281 --> 00:06:01,719 Your mom might think so, but a lot of people think I'm a catch. 125 00:06:01,844 --> 00:06:04,873 The case. I was this close to nailing it, 126 00:06:04,998 --> 00:06:08,459 and then my client gets scared and settles. 127 00:06:08,585 --> 00:06:09,586 I'm sorry. 128 00:06:09,985 --> 00:06:11,345 Maybe you'd like a chocolate. 129 00:06:11,470 --> 00:06:14,458 Notice that I have not eaten any of the chocolates. 130 00:06:15,111 --> 00:06:18,164 There were two levels. You know it, and I know it. 131 00:06:18,768 --> 00:06:20,376 This is so frustrating. 132 00:06:20,502 --> 00:06:23,677 I had one of the greatest closing arguments of all time. All about 133 00:06:24,111 --> 00:06:26,015 the big government rolling over the little guy. 134 00:06:26,183 --> 00:06:29,377 I even had this great moment at the end where I would point to the state seal 135 00:06:29,503 --> 00:06:31,150 and I'd say, "shame!" 136 00:06:31,617 --> 00:06:34,972 Oh, that's what you were doing in the shower. I was a little worried. 137 00:06:35,643 --> 00:06:36,757 That's Manny. 138 00:06:36,882 --> 00:06:38,376 I said we would watch him tonight. 139 00:06:38,502 --> 00:06:40,670 I didn't know you were gonna be going through all this. 140 00:06:40,838 --> 00:06:43,115 It's fine. It might be nice to have him around. 141 00:06:43,240 --> 00:06:44,713 He always makes me laugh. 142 00:06:44,838 --> 00:06:45,839 Hi, Manny! 143 00:06:45,964 --> 00:06:47,988 The universe is cold and loveless. 144 00:06:48,795 --> 00:06:50,296 Bad Valentine's Day? 145 00:06:51,214 --> 00:06:52,569 I went for the gold... 146 00:06:52,737 --> 00:06:54,113 Fiona Gunderson. 147 00:06:54,281 --> 00:06:56,544 I poured my heart and soul into a poem, 148 00:06:56,669 --> 00:06:58,170 left it on her desk. 149 00:06:58,575 --> 00:07:00,877 I even burned the edges to make it look fancy. 150 00:07:01,045 --> 00:07:03,484 - And she didn't like it? - Oh, she loved it. 151 00:07:03,610 --> 00:07:05,848 But this kid Durkas told her he wrote it. 152 00:07:06,388 --> 00:07:08,016 Why didn't you tell her the truth? 153 00:07:08,382 --> 00:07:09,691 She was already gone. 154 00:07:09,816 --> 00:07:12,915 And she's on a date with him at my favorite restaurant, Great Shakes. 155 00:07:13,040 --> 00:07:15,649 - How do you know all this? - I invited her in the poem. 156 00:07:15,774 --> 00:07:19,170 Right after the line of, "my love is deeper than the great lakes." 157 00:07:20,899 --> 00:07:22,044 This is unacceptable. 158 00:07:22,327 --> 00:07:24,530 - Here we go. - It's not that big of a deal. 159 00:07:24,655 --> 00:07:26,978 We're gonna shoot over to Great Shakes, get a table, 160 00:07:27,181 --> 00:07:30,619 Manny can reclaim the love of his life. You and I can get a couple Mudslides. 161 00:07:31,436 --> 00:07:32,490 I don't know. 162 00:07:32,616 --> 00:07:34,086 Durkas is gonna be there. 163 00:07:34,211 --> 00:07:35,969 I've seen the kid do a pull-up. 164 00:07:37,390 --> 00:07:39,955 It's Valentine's Day. It's not the day you run away from love. 165 00:07:40,080 --> 00:07:42,762 It's the day you track it down, tie it up, and take it home. 166 00:07:43,012 --> 00:07:44,346 Now, if we can pull this off, 167 00:07:44,706 --> 00:07:47,386 you and your little lady friend will be belly up to an ice-cream counter, 168 00:07:47,512 --> 00:07:50,521 having a milkshake with two straws. What do you say? 169 00:07:51,574 --> 00:07:52,428 I like it. 170 00:07:52,936 --> 00:07:54,487 Thank you. Thank you. 171 00:07:55,473 --> 00:07:57,406 Scientists, they don't know why this is true, 172 00:07:57,665 --> 00:07:58,866 but it's true. 173 00:07:59,207 --> 00:08:02,625 Women with big rear ends live longer. 174 00:08:04,380 --> 00:08:06,215 Men who tell them that, don't. 175 00:08:08,011 --> 00:08:11,894 Did you read about this man, the 91-year-old bank robber 176 00:08:12,062 --> 00:08:13,022 in Texas? 177 00:08:13,530 --> 00:08:15,532 He goes into a bank, you know. 178 00:08:16,899 --> 00:08:18,197 "What the hell did I want?" 179 00:08:19,669 --> 00:08:23,072 They had over 4,000 photos of him escaping from the bank. 180 00:08:27,225 --> 00:08:28,026 See? 181 00:08:28,663 --> 00:08:29,964 He's funny, huh? 182 00:08:40,301 --> 00:08:41,753 Mind if I join you? 183 00:08:42,871 --> 00:08:43,872 I'm Clive. 184 00:08:44,819 --> 00:08:45,754 Clive Bixby. 185 00:08:46,826 --> 00:08:48,327 Yes, I can see that. 186 00:08:48,582 --> 00:08:49,683 I'm Juliana. 187 00:08:50,664 --> 00:08:53,686 So, Clive, are you in town for a convention, or do you... 188 00:08:54,300 --> 00:08:55,481 forget your name a lot? 189 00:08:55,918 --> 00:08:57,599 Pretty kitty has nails. 190 00:08:58,702 --> 00:08:59,803 I like that. 191 00:09:01,918 --> 00:09:03,706 I'm in town for a trade show. 192 00:09:04,224 --> 00:09:07,586 I design high-end electroacoustic transducers. 193 00:09:08,799 --> 00:09:10,050 That is very... 194 00:09:10,348 --> 00:09:11,299 specific. 195 00:09:12,730 --> 00:09:16,133 It's a fancy of way of saying I get things to make noise. 196 00:09:17,237 --> 00:09:18,151 Two, please. 197 00:09:18,456 --> 00:09:20,239 So, what's your story? 198 00:09:21,562 --> 00:09:23,714 The Miss America pageant in town? 199 00:09:24,791 --> 00:09:27,043 You're pretty smooth talker, Clive. 200 00:09:28,200 --> 00:09:30,052 I'm pretty smooth all over. 201 00:09:31,713 --> 00:09:32,514 Sir, 202 00:09:32,766 --> 00:09:34,077 there's no smoking in here. 203 00:09:34,202 --> 00:09:36,705 That's fine. I'm not actually a smok... 204 00:09:40,332 --> 00:09:42,535 You're quite the boy scout, Clive. 205 00:09:42,982 --> 00:09:46,836 Tell me, would you be interested in earning a merit badge tonight? 206 00:09:47,151 --> 00:09:49,989 Do you know anything about tying knots? 207 00:09:51,522 --> 00:09:54,024 I probably shouldn't be talking to you. 208 00:09:55,521 --> 00:09:56,922 I'm a married man. 209 00:09:58,962 --> 00:10:01,314 I just so happen to like married men. 210 00:10:01,439 --> 00:10:02,698 Tell me about your wife. 211 00:10:03,026 --> 00:10:05,239 Well, she's beautiful, of course. 212 00:10:05,364 --> 00:10:07,290 Really? Well, if she's so very beautiful, 213 00:10:07,459 --> 00:10:09,013 why are you here with me? 214 00:10:09,138 --> 00:10:10,683 Because she's always so tired, 215 00:10:10,808 --> 00:10:14,096 and she's always making lists of things for me to do. 216 00:10:14,417 --> 00:10:16,806 Maybe if you did them, she wouldn't be so tired. 217 00:10:17,229 --> 00:10:18,689 She can make lists for days. 218 00:10:20,487 --> 00:10:22,690 But back to your mouth and how sexy it is. 219 00:10:23,659 --> 00:10:26,414 I want to go back to these alleged lists and your nagging wife. 220 00:10:26,540 --> 00:10:28,441 I'm not talking about you. 221 00:10:30,382 --> 00:10:32,465 I didn't mean that. Can we try this again? 222 00:10:38,407 --> 00:10:40,560 So, if your wife is so beautiful, 223 00:10:40,851 --> 00:10:42,603 Why are you here with me? 224 00:10:43,932 --> 00:10:44,933 Because... 225 00:10:46,000 --> 00:10:48,358 I respect her too much 226 00:10:49,266 --> 00:10:52,242 to do to her what I'm going... 227 00:10:52,517 --> 00:10:53,592 to do to you? 228 00:10:54,781 --> 00:10:55,882 Oh, jackpot. 229 00:10:57,867 --> 00:10:59,669 I'll be right back, Clive. 230 00:11:09,738 --> 00:11:11,761 Do you have eyes on her? Is she here? 231 00:11:11,886 --> 00:11:14,138 2:00. The blonde at the back table. 232 00:11:14,324 --> 00:11:15,776 Yep. Have a visual. 233 00:11:17,035 --> 00:11:19,106 Let's not talk like that anymore. Over. 234 00:11:19,800 --> 00:11:22,482 This is it. I'm off to win the heart of my beloved. 235 00:11:24,910 --> 00:11:26,115 This is nice. 236 00:11:26,240 --> 00:11:28,426 If we can't have our Valentine's Day, 237 00:11:28,552 --> 00:11:30,393 it's nice to give somebody else one. 238 00:11:30,519 --> 00:11:31,770 Cam, I'm sorry. 239 00:11:31,895 --> 00:11:35,425 I'm sorry I have not been attentive. I've been spending the last five months 240 00:11:35,594 --> 00:11:38,781 pouring my core beliefs into the greatest speech of my life, 241 00:11:38,906 --> 00:11:40,435 and that moment is taken away. 242 00:11:41,227 --> 00:11:42,230 How did it go? 243 00:11:42,748 --> 00:11:45,295 I can't do it. Not while Durkas is there. 244 00:11:45,645 --> 00:11:48,284 He has the natural confidence. I admire it and fear it. 245 00:11:49,021 --> 00:11:51,706 We will deal with him directly. We need a plan. 246 00:11:54,325 --> 00:11:56,177 Could you be more dramatic? 247 00:11:58,735 --> 00:12:00,114 We need a plan! 248 00:12:01,788 --> 00:12:02,855 In Oregon, 249 00:12:03,194 --> 00:12:06,615 the state legislature ratified a bill 250 00:12:07,030 --> 00:12:08,416 that from now on, 251 00:12:08,671 --> 00:12:10,010 it is a crime 252 00:12:10,135 --> 00:12:12,457 to have sex in Oregon with a farm animal. 253 00:12:14,171 --> 00:12:16,840 How ugly are the women in Oregon? 254 00:12:19,974 --> 00:12:21,213 He's funny, Jay. 255 00:12:21,338 --> 00:12:22,617 I know. See? 256 00:12:22,742 --> 00:12:24,745 I can tell you're not from Oregon. 257 00:12:24,870 --> 00:12:27,932 - You are gorgeous. - Thank you. 258 00:12:28,057 --> 00:12:30,541 Thank you for bringing your father to the show. 259 00:12:32,003 --> 00:12:34,210 - I'm her husband, Dave. - No kidding? 260 00:12:35,062 --> 00:12:38,760 What's it like to be married to someone who was here when the Bible was written? 261 00:12:41,350 --> 00:12:43,687 What was it called then, just "The Testament"? 262 00:12:45,770 --> 00:12:47,444 That's... that's good stuff. 263 00:12:47,613 --> 00:12:49,907 Oh, now he's trying to turn out the light. 264 00:13:01,989 --> 00:13:03,878 Yes, hello. Mr. Durkas? 265 00:13:04,663 --> 00:13:08,445 This is Don Jolly with the Great Shakes corporate office, and I have good news. 266 00:13:08,871 --> 00:13:10,243 You have been selected 267 00:13:10,368 --> 00:13:14,040 to take part in a random survey that you could win cash and prizes. 268 00:13:14,495 --> 00:13:16,818 Does that sound like something you'd be interested in? 269 00:13:17,113 --> 00:13:18,279 Yeah. Sure. 270 00:13:18,634 --> 00:13:20,625 Just a few simple questions for you. 271 00:13:20,750 --> 00:13:23,435 Would you please rank your favorite ice creams 272 00:13:23,561 --> 00:13:26,047 at Great Shakes from least favorite to favorite? 273 00:13:26,481 --> 00:13:29,903 - I don't know them by heart. - There should be a menu to your right. 274 00:13:30,028 --> 00:13:31,229 To your right. 275 00:13:32,058 --> 00:13:32,992 There you go. 276 00:13:36,150 --> 00:13:37,000 Hi, Manny. 277 00:13:37,211 --> 00:13:38,629 Hi, Fiona. Can I join you? 278 00:13:39,482 --> 00:13:40,534 I guess so. 279 00:13:44,077 --> 00:13:46,424 You don't have to worry that he cheats, that's for sure. 280 00:13:46,550 --> 00:13:48,459 Because if he does, you'll catch him 281 00:13:48,585 --> 00:13:51,070 when he comes home with two sets of teeth in his mouth. 282 00:13:53,381 --> 00:13:55,662 Tell me, on the wedding night, what did he do? 283 00:13:55,787 --> 00:13:58,376 Did he say he wanted to put something comfortable and go into a coma? 284 00:14:00,082 --> 00:14:03,152 Listen, I got to use the men's room. I'll be right back. 285 00:14:03,638 --> 00:14:06,560 Where you going? Wait a minute. I'm only joking. That's what I do. 286 00:14:06,895 --> 00:14:08,479 You're way younger than I am. 287 00:14:08,778 --> 00:14:10,382 You just don't look it. 288 00:14:17,106 --> 00:14:18,107 Clive. 289 00:14:19,005 --> 00:14:20,946 I have a little something for you. 290 00:14:21,365 --> 00:14:22,416 What is it? 291 00:14:25,209 --> 00:14:26,058 My dress. 292 00:14:28,239 --> 00:14:29,063 My bra. 293 00:14:32,198 --> 00:14:33,349 My underwear. 294 00:14:35,801 --> 00:14:36,652 My God. 295 00:14:38,186 --> 00:14:40,210 What do you say we take this upstairs? 296 00:14:40,783 --> 00:14:43,381 This is so much better than cheesy garlic bread. 297 00:14:46,132 --> 00:14:48,055 - Chocolate. - Go on. 298 00:14:48,617 --> 00:14:50,540 - Vanilla. - I'm taking copious notes. 299 00:14:50,665 --> 00:14:52,142 Keep going, Mr. Durkas. 300 00:14:52,555 --> 00:14:55,073 Why would Ted say he wrote the poem if he didn't? 301 00:14:55,244 --> 00:14:57,775 Maybe because you're the cutest girl in school, and... 302 00:14:57,900 --> 00:15:00,115 your laugh makes science lab seem like recess. 303 00:15:03,678 --> 00:15:07,686 Would you be more or less inclined to visit a Great Shakes establishment 304 00:15:07,831 --> 00:15:10,107 if you knew your satisfaction was guaranteed? 305 00:15:10,232 --> 00:15:13,129 - That's a dumb question. - It is not a dumb question, mister... 306 00:15:13,254 --> 00:15:15,865 - Tarnation. He hung up. - Then you can drop the accent. 307 00:15:18,089 --> 00:15:20,081 Delgado. What are you doing here? 308 00:15:20,361 --> 00:15:23,547 Discussing poetry. Maybe you'll like to recite some of yours? 309 00:15:24,034 --> 00:15:27,203 - I'm not gonna recite anything. - Admit you didn't write the poem. 310 00:15:27,328 --> 00:15:30,666 I don't know what he's talking about. Get out before you get your butt kicked. 311 00:15:30,791 --> 00:15:33,163 - I'm going over there. - No, I got this. 312 00:15:37,733 --> 00:15:38,845 Sir. Sir? 313 00:15:39,022 --> 00:15:40,123 Turn around. 314 00:15:40,905 --> 00:15:43,713 You have no right to claim ownership of another person's work. 315 00:15:43,883 --> 00:15:44,984 Who are you? 316 00:15:45,571 --> 00:15:46,722 I'm a lawyer. 317 00:15:46,971 --> 00:15:48,140 You have a lawyer? 318 00:15:48,726 --> 00:15:50,514 It is one thing to lie, 319 00:15:50,639 --> 00:15:53,356 but then to bully this young man... It's unforgivable, 320 00:15:53,481 --> 00:15:55,591 and this is what's wrong with the world today. 321 00:15:55,716 --> 00:15:56,917 The big guy... 322 00:15:57,449 --> 00:15:59,597 thinks he can roll over the little guy, 323 00:15:59,722 --> 00:16:03,254 until the little guy says "enough." 324 00:16:03,511 --> 00:16:06,746 And that what this little guy's doing, right here, right now. 325 00:16:07,019 --> 00:16:09,656 Could we stop calling me "little guy"? I'm in the 40th percentile. 326 00:16:09,781 --> 00:16:11,109 Shh, I got this. 327 00:16:11,526 --> 00:16:12,688 Ted Durkas... 328 00:16:13,547 --> 00:16:15,359 clearly did not write that poem. 329 00:16:16,036 --> 00:16:17,037 I know it. 330 00:16:17,385 --> 00:16:18,486 He knows it. 331 00:16:18,722 --> 00:16:20,077 Deep down in your heart... 332 00:16:22,076 --> 00:16:23,166 you know it, too. 333 00:16:28,405 --> 00:16:29,806 Shame! 334 00:16:30,862 --> 00:16:33,438 - Fine! I stole the stupid poem! - You did? 335 00:16:33,734 --> 00:16:34,733 I told you. 336 00:16:34,901 --> 00:16:35,844 There you go. 337 00:16:35,969 --> 00:16:38,600 I only did it because... I had the feelings. 338 00:16:39,283 --> 00:16:41,080 I just didn't know how to show them. 339 00:16:41,205 --> 00:16:42,039 Really? 340 00:16:42,595 --> 00:16:45,380 That's the sweetest thing anyone's ever done for me. 341 00:16:46,282 --> 00:16:47,955 You've got to be kidding me. 342 00:16:48,080 --> 00:16:49,971 Let's get out of here. This chick's crazy. 343 00:16:50,140 --> 00:16:51,140 Seriously. 344 00:16:51,910 --> 00:16:54,773 - I've never seen you like that. - You have no idea how good that felt. 345 00:16:54,898 --> 00:16:57,400 Well, happy Valentine's Day, Counselor. 346 00:16:58,114 --> 00:17:00,544 This is all happening so fast, Juliana. 347 00:17:00,786 --> 00:17:03,640 I know. And I have to be home to my husband by midnight. 348 00:17:04,579 --> 00:17:05,676 A twist. 349 00:17:09,677 --> 00:17:11,662 - Phil, my coat is stuck. - Who's Phil? 350 00:17:11,787 --> 00:17:15,008 - Not now. Seriously, my coat is stuck! - Oh, honey, take off your coat! 351 00:17:15,133 --> 00:17:16,321 Are you kidding me? 352 00:17:16,446 --> 00:17:17,986 - Pull it. - Oh, my goodness. 353 00:17:18,779 --> 00:17:20,420 Not good. Not good. 354 00:17:20,546 --> 00:17:21,844 Not good! Not... 355 00:17:26,394 --> 00:17:28,934 Come on up. Treat 'em like they're regular stairs. 356 00:17:29,447 --> 00:17:31,707 Come on through. Happy Valentine's Day. 357 00:17:32,037 --> 00:17:34,668 You look lovely. So do you. Not in a weird way. 358 00:17:34,793 --> 00:17:36,072 How are you? Hi. 359 00:17:37,348 --> 00:17:39,451 Let me just get in here. Let me get in here. 360 00:17:40,281 --> 00:17:42,703 Hey, Tom! How are you? 361 00:17:42,828 --> 00:17:45,893 Honey, Claire, you remember Tom Mickelson from the office, 362 00:17:46,018 --> 00:17:47,628 - and his wife, Susan. - I do. 363 00:17:47,797 --> 00:17:49,298 - Hey. - Coat stuck? 364 00:17:49,725 --> 00:17:51,210 It is. It really is. 365 00:17:51,335 --> 00:17:52,972 It's in there pretty darn good. 366 00:17:53,657 --> 00:17:57,078 - Why don't you take it off? - I'm freezing cold. 367 00:17:57,482 --> 00:17:59,901 - At least let me give it a shot. - I don't think... 368 00:18:00,026 --> 00:18:01,238 I got it. 369 00:18:01,783 --> 00:18:05,044 - Mr. And Mrs. Dunphy? - Principal Balaban! 370 00:18:05,308 --> 00:18:08,569 - How are you? - Who's Clive Bixby? 371 00:18:10,297 --> 00:18:11,699 He makes speakers. 372 00:18:11,935 --> 00:18:13,944 He's actually in town for a trade show. 373 00:18:14,517 --> 00:18:15,783 Oh, my. Are you stuck? 374 00:18:15,908 --> 00:18:17,660 Yeah, I am. A little bit. 375 00:18:17,816 --> 00:18:20,325 - Why don't you take off that coat? - I'm chilly. 376 00:18:20,450 --> 00:18:21,988 It's really jammed in here. 377 00:18:22,157 --> 00:18:24,568 - Let me... - No, I think we're okay. 378 00:18:25,104 --> 00:18:26,302 Mrs. Dunphy! 379 00:18:27,236 --> 00:18:28,742 Are you kidding me? 380 00:18:30,237 --> 00:18:32,116 Luke's math teacher, Miss Passwater! 381 00:18:32,241 --> 00:18:33,342 "Passwater." 382 00:18:35,240 --> 00:18:36,225 Oh, Jay, papi. 383 00:18:36,707 --> 00:18:39,546 Don't pay attention to what he's saying. He's just being funny. 384 00:18:39,671 --> 00:18:41,519 Because he points out the truth. 385 00:18:41,644 --> 00:18:43,991 Those people were laughing because they saw it, too. 386 00:18:44,159 --> 00:18:46,412 - What do you care what they think? - I don't. 387 00:18:47,289 --> 00:18:48,584 I care what you think. 388 00:18:48,752 --> 00:18:51,172 - I love you. You're my valentine. - Yeah, for now. 389 00:18:51,340 --> 00:18:54,249 But what about when I'm 80 and I'm in a wheelchair, on oxygen? 390 00:18:54,374 --> 00:18:55,848 You still gonna want me? 391 00:18:56,140 --> 00:18:59,270 Do you think I'm so shallow that I'm gonna leave you when you're old? 392 00:18:59,395 --> 00:19:02,068 What if I gain 100 pounds? You gonna leave me then? 393 00:19:04,765 --> 00:19:06,118 What's with the pause? 394 00:19:06,298 --> 00:19:07,766 Well, it's not exactly fair. 395 00:19:08,240 --> 00:19:10,335 I mean, I have to get old. You don't have to get fat. 396 00:19:10,507 --> 00:19:14,051 - If I want to get fat, I get fat. - If you do, I'll be there. You'll see. 397 00:19:14,219 --> 00:19:16,662 Oh, yeah, watch me. Watch me how I get fat! 398 00:19:17,773 --> 00:19:20,034 - I can get fat. - And I'll be there. 399 00:19:22,290 --> 00:19:23,291 Good. 400 00:19:24,175 --> 00:19:25,741 - You want to go back in? - No. 401 00:19:26,196 --> 00:19:27,682 I got a better idea. 402 00:19:27,807 --> 00:19:30,458 Let's go salsa dancing. This guy's not that funny. 403 00:19:31,820 --> 00:19:32,850 Perfect. 404 00:19:34,304 --> 00:19:36,715 We're good! We're good! I talked to maintenance. 405 00:19:36,840 --> 00:19:39,017 They're coming, so go on ahead. 406 00:19:39,908 --> 00:19:43,480 See you guys. See you later. See you at school? Good to see you guys. 407 00:19:43,606 --> 00:19:46,554 Maintenance is gonna take care of it. So we're fine. 408 00:19:47,445 --> 00:19:50,604 - How long till they get here? - I was faking it. No one's coming. 409 00:19:50,729 --> 00:19:52,232 Well, then, go and get them! 410 00:19:52,357 --> 00:19:55,404 Hurry! That was the most embarrassing moment of my life! 411 00:19:57,921 --> 00:19:58,872 Stand by. 412 00:20:02,352 --> 00:20:04,944 - What, did you get your belt stuck? - I did. Yeah. 413 00:20:05,116 --> 00:20:08,492 - Take your coat off. Let me help you. - No, no, Dad, Dad... 414 00:20:08,662 --> 00:20:10,204 What are you, naked under it? 415 00:20:11,983 --> 00:20:12,984 Oh, geez. 416 00:20:13,169 --> 00:20:14,209 It's okay. 417 00:20:14,694 --> 00:20:15,930 I got this. 418 00:20:17,231 --> 00:20:19,056 Claire, follow my lead, okay? 419 00:20:31,003 --> 00:20:32,004 Thank you. 420 00:20:32,319 --> 00:20:34,271 It has happened to me before. 421 00:20:35,247 --> 00:20:36,749 That was impressive. 422 00:20:37,122 --> 00:20:39,124 Take it down a notch, "Clive." 423 00:20:41,008 --> 00:20:42,770 - You okay? - Yeah, I'm good. 424 00:20:42,939 --> 00:20:43,858 All right. 425 00:20:44,185 --> 00:20:46,549 - Happy Valentine's Day. - Happy Valentine's Day. 426 00:20:47,063 --> 00:20:48,765 - See ya. - Good night. 427 00:20:50,562 --> 00:20:51,362 Sorry. 428 00:20:52,236 --> 00:20:53,584 See you guys. 429 00:20:56,285 --> 00:20:57,286 Hi, honey. 430 00:20:58,145 --> 00:21:00,875 I just wanted to tell you how great you were last night. 431 00:21:01,000 --> 00:21:04,348 Sorry I got the oil everywhere, but, hey... 432 00:21:04,473 --> 00:21:07,096 - Sweetie... - They're not our sheets, right? 433 00:21:07,361 --> 00:21:09,324 Honey, remember when the salesman told us 434 00:21:09,449 --> 00:21:11,853 that the Sienna was built with the whole family in mind? 435 00:21:12,199 --> 00:21:14,622 Well, the whole family just heard that. 436 00:21:15,596 --> 00:21:17,160 Well, I guess... 437 00:21:17,720 --> 00:21:19,622 I guess the Bluetooth works. 438 00:21:20,368 --> 00:21:21,873 Why did you have oil? 439 00:21:22,162 --> 00:21:23,628 Because, buddy, 440 00:21:23,952 --> 00:21:26,983 - we were making French fries! - In your room? 441 00:21:27,427 --> 00:21:29,471 Why don't you guys just pop on a DVD?