1 00:00:06,666 --> 00:00:09,428 - That is so fricking funny! - I know, right? 2 00:00:10,549 --> 00:00:11,348 What? 3 00:00:11,517 --> 00:00:13,593 Dad just wrote another classic one. Tell her. 4 00:00:13,719 --> 00:00:15,481 I don't know about "classic," 5 00:00:15,650 --> 00:00:16,717 but here we go. 6 00:00:16,842 --> 00:00:19,924 "If you're looking for a two-story house, I'm your man. 7 00:00:20,049 --> 00:00:22,415 "I'll tell you one story before you buy it, 8 00:00:22,915 --> 00:00:25,194 "and then another story after." 9 00:00:26,555 --> 00:00:27,547 No, you didn't! 10 00:00:30,343 --> 00:00:32,415 Tonight is the SCARB: 11 00:00:32,663 --> 00:00:35,520 The Southern California annual realtor's banquet. 12 00:00:35,645 --> 00:00:37,375 I think they know what it is. 13 00:00:37,760 --> 00:00:41,183 It's the mother of all residential-real-estate banquets. 14 00:00:41,609 --> 00:00:43,805 For the last five years, Gil Thorpe has hosted, 15 00:00:43,930 --> 00:00:45,510 but as luck would have it, 16 00:00:45,635 --> 00:00:47,698 he's having a sketchy-looking polyp remove. 17 00:00:47,823 --> 00:00:50,819 So they've asked me to..."Phil in." 18 00:00:53,616 --> 00:00:54,921 See what I did? 19 00:00:55,145 --> 00:00:57,248 "Phil." You think I should open with that? 20 00:00:57,373 --> 00:00:59,075 You betcha. You should. 21 00:01:00,402 --> 00:01:01,854 Phil is gonna bomb. 22 00:01:02,223 --> 00:01:04,863 It's not that he's not fun. He is so fun. 23 00:01:04,988 --> 00:01:06,489 He's just not funny. 24 00:01:06,781 --> 00:01:09,907 It's probably my fault, because I laugh at all of his jokes. 25 00:01:10,032 --> 00:01:11,333 With my mouth... 26 00:01:12,201 --> 00:01:13,552 Not with my eyes. 27 00:01:14,652 --> 00:01:17,589 "I see the great realtor Margaret Wilson is here, 28 00:01:17,915 --> 00:01:20,661 "looking more curvaceous than ever. 29 00:01:21,108 --> 00:01:23,668 "Talk about your balloon payments." 30 00:01:29,196 --> 00:01:32,318 Gloria, do we have to keep this Colombia/Brazil soccer game? 31 00:01:32,443 --> 00:01:34,285 Yes, I haven't seen it yet. 32 00:01:34,410 --> 00:01:37,162 It's been there for five months. I mean, I can tell you who wins. 33 00:01:38,692 --> 00:01:40,401 And this 2-hour Antiques Roadshow? 34 00:01:40,939 --> 00:01:42,322 I'll watch it today. 35 00:01:42,490 --> 00:01:44,049 I'm gonna play some golf. 36 00:01:44,174 --> 00:01:47,040 No. What about Mirabel's daughter's quinceañera? 37 00:01:48,011 --> 00:01:49,712 I honestly didn't get any of that. 38 00:01:49,881 --> 00:01:51,883 Mirabel. She works for you. 39 00:01:53,637 --> 00:01:56,238 Her daughter, Rosalba, is celebrating her quinceañera, 40 00:01:56,363 --> 00:01:57,869 her 15th birthday. 41 00:01:57,994 --> 00:02:00,500 She invited us. You're just going to ignore it. 42 00:02:00,625 --> 00:02:03,982 Of course not, I get this all the time. I throw it on my secretary's desk. 43 00:02:04,348 --> 00:02:06,407 And she sends them an Omaha steak. 44 00:02:07,862 --> 00:02:08,863 What? 45 00:02:09,353 --> 00:02:10,671 Manny's right. 46 00:02:10,839 --> 00:02:14,302 The quinceañera is very important in the Latin culture. 47 00:02:14,620 --> 00:02:17,935 The moment the father dances with his little princess. 48 00:02:18,410 --> 00:02:21,524 I remember my own father holding my hand. 49 00:02:22,720 --> 00:02:24,939 There wasn't a dry eye in the cartel. 50 00:02:25,837 --> 00:02:28,539 These people don't want me there. They're just being polite. 51 00:02:28,664 --> 00:02:29,816 I'm the boss. 52 00:02:29,941 --> 00:02:33,091 That's what you tell yourself so you can stay above them. 53 00:02:33,216 --> 00:02:35,067 You just throw them an "Obama" steak, 54 00:02:35,192 --> 00:02:37,896 - and run to the golf course. - I'm not trying to stay above them. 55 00:02:38,021 --> 00:02:40,563 But I don't think I have to go all "arriba, arriba" with them. 56 00:02:40,732 --> 00:02:42,693 - 'Cause you're better than them? - Of course not. 57 00:02:43,084 --> 00:02:46,667 - I'm better than some of them. - Do you even know these people, Jay? 58 00:02:46,934 --> 00:02:49,217 Or they're just the backs you step on? 59 00:02:49,624 --> 00:02:53,255 You like to make me out as an elitist, but I'm close with these people. 60 00:02:53,605 --> 00:02:55,551 Then prove it. Just go to the party. 61 00:02:56,882 --> 00:02:58,688 Fine. One hour. You drive. 62 00:02:59,644 --> 00:03:02,720 I don't want to give my valet ticket to the wrong guy, have you all over me. 63 00:03:04,487 --> 00:03:06,281 Where do you keep popping out from? 64 00:03:06,765 --> 00:03:09,270 So, Cam has started working out again, 65 00:03:09,395 --> 00:03:11,291 which is... It's great. 66 00:03:12,068 --> 00:03:14,688 He's feeling good about himself, and I want him to be healthy, 67 00:03:14,813 --> 00:03:16,059 so it is all good. 68 00:03:16,425 --> 00:03:17,781 Except for one thing. 69 00:03:17,906 --> 00:03:18,890 Knock, knock. 70 00:03:19,209 --> 00:03:20,560 Look who's there. 71 00:03:23,860 --> 00:03:26,397 Maybe there's a person in this world who looks good in bike shorts, 72 00:03:26,522 --> 00:03:28,802 but my boyfriend is not that person. 73 00:03:29,146 --> 00:03:33,141 And I can't tell him, because he gets incredibly sensitive 74 00:03:33,266 --> 00:03:36,216 about even the tiniest comment concerning his physique. 75 00:03:36,819 --> 00:03:39,746 I think I'm gonna take this spin class tomorrow morning. 76 00:03:39,871 --> 00:03:40,872 Oh, sure. 77 00:03:41,341 --> 00:03:43,773 Oh, I get it. Message received. 78 00:03:51,719 --> 00:03:53,320 I didn't say anything! 79 00:03:57,475 --> 00:03:59,617 Subtitles by MiniBen314 & Kevin 80 00:03:59,786 --> 00:04:01,851 www.seriessub.com www.sous-titres.eu 81 00:04:12,725 --> 00:04:15,010 Okay, can't you just run like a normal person? 82 00:04:15,135 --> 00:04:17,181 - What? It's troga. - It's what? 83 00:04:17,767 --> 00:04:20,301 - You never heard of troga? - I hate it when you do that. 84 00:04:20,426 --> 00:04:22,639 - What? - "You've never heard of troga?" 85 00:04:22,765 --> 00:04:24,250 "You never tried octopus?" 86 00:04:24,375 --> 00:04:26,685 "You never did this amazing thing I just discovered yesterday 87 00:04:26,810 --> 00:04:28,278 "but pretend I've done forever." 88 00:04:29,574 --> 00:04:31,710 So, troga is treadmill yoga. 89 00:04:32,362 --> 00:04:33,834 It's de rigueur. 90 00:04:33,959 --> 00:04:35,160 It's de-dorky. 91 00:04:35,963 --> 00:04:37,380 What is your deal today? 92 00:04:38,597 --> 00:04:39,392 Sorry. 93 00:04:39,517 --> 00:04:42,306 Phil is hosting that thing tonight, and he's been writing jokes. 94 00:04:42,760 --> 00:04:44,519 - Ooh, yikes. - I know. 95 00:04:44,688 --> 00:04:48,072 I'm worried he's gonna humiliate himself in front of all those important people. 96 00:04:48,197 --> 00:04:49,654 I can't say anything... 97 00:04:49,824 --> 00:04:52,950 I get it, because it would hurt him even more coming from you. 98 00:04:53,328 --> 00:04:55,457 I'm going through something similar with Cam. 99 00:04:55,626 --> 00:04:57,726 - Why? - He's started exercising again. 100 00:04:57,851 --> 00:04:59,265 That's good for him. 101 00:04:59,616 --> 00:05:01,102 He's wearing bike shorts. 102 00:05:01,436 --> 00:05:02,571 That's bad for you. 103 00:05:02,697 --> 00:05:05,795 And I'm the last person who can say anything, because he's... 104 00:05:05,920 --> 00:05:07,632 Okay, wait. No, no. All right. 105 00:05:07,991 --> 00:05:10,838 - You know Strangers on a Train? - I never saw it. 106 00:05:10,963 --> 00:05:13,950 You've never seen Strangers on a... I'm sorry. Great film. 107 00:05:14,748 --> 00:05:18,161 It's these guys who both discover they want someone out of their lives. 108 00:05:18,286 --> 00:05:20,132 So one of them proposes the perfect crime. 109 00:05:21,323 --> 00:05:23,430 They will do each other's murders. 110 00:05:23,846 --> 00:05:24,975 We should do that. 111 00:05:25,543 --> 00:05:28,115 So I would tell Cam to lose the bike shorts? 112 00:05:28,240 --> 00:05:29,442 Keeping me out of it. 113 00:05:29,611 --> 00:05:31,596 And I tell Phil to lose the jokes. 114 00:05:32,158 --> 00:05:33,559 I like it. I'm in. 115 00:05:35,547 --> 00:05:37,041 Hey, Mackenzie, 'sup? It's Alex. 116 00:05:37,696 --> 00:05:40,422 Hey, so I was thinking later we'd... Oh, no. Whatever you want. 117 00:05:40,730 --> 00:05:43,261 Call me later! Or I'll call you later, or... 118 00:05:44,892 --> 00:05:47,643 - So, who's Mackenzie? - You don't know her. 119 00:05:48,939 --> 00:05:50,535 I know Mackenzie. 120 00:05:50,660 --> 00:05:51,946 Cute. Popular. 121 00:05:52,521 --> 00:05:54,876 I am Mackenzie. I invented Mackenzie. 122 00:05:55,426 --> 00:05:58,316 And the way she's making my sister run around... 123 00:06:00,259 --> 00:06:01,959 It's kind of funny, but... 124 00:06:02,084 --> 00:06:04,470 I can't have it. It's bad for the family. 125 00:06:09,747 --> 00:06:12,970 - What are you doing? I was calling... - Mackenzie? Yeah, I know. 126 00:06:13,095 --> 00:06:16,411 Now shut up and let me help you. The world is divided into two groups... 127 00:06:16,900 --> 00:06:18,609 Cool girls and girls like you. 128 00:06:18,735 --> 00:06:22,743 You have been given a rare opportunity to move from the former to the latter. 129 00:06:23,135 --> 00:06:25,984 - The latter to the former. - Whatever. My God, you're such a geek. 130 00:06:26,305 --> 00:06:28,936 Now, do you want to be smart, or do you want to be popular? 131 00:06:31,013 --> 00:06:32,694 I think I want to be popular. 132 00:06:32,863 --> 00:06:34,150 Of course you do. 133 00:06:34,275 --> 00:06:36,503 You just can't be so obvious about it. 134 00:06:36,628 --> 00:06:38,848 You've given Mackenzie way too much power, 135 00:06:38,973 --> 00:06:40,802 and you need to take some of that power back. 136 00:06:41,497 --> 00:06:42,338 It's her. 137 00:06:42,506 --> 00:06:43,674 Give me the phone. 138 00:06:43,843 --> 00:06:45,043 You're gonna say that. 139 00:06:45,168 --> 00:06:48,016 "Hey, Mackenzie. I'm busy. Call me back later." Then you hang up. 140 00:06:48,313 --> 00:06:49,227 No way! 141 00:06:50,112 --> 00:06:52,274 - Then you're not getting it back. - Just give it to me. 142 00:06:52,722 --> 00:06:55,155 "Hey, Mackenzie. I'm busy. Call me back later." Then you hang up. 143 00:06:55,324 --> 00:06:56,909 - I can't. - Do it. 144 00:06:57,963 --> 00:06:58,964 Damn you. 145 00:07:00,805 --> 00:07:02,253 Hey, Mackenzie. I'm busy. 146 00:07:02,421 --> 00:07:03,630 Call me back later. 147 00:07:07,260 --> 00:07:08,390 That was hard. 148 00:07:08,558 --> 00:07:11,271 If it was easy, everyone would be popular. 149 00:07:15,294 --> 00:07:17,355 Come on in! It's open! 150 00:07:19,030 --> 00:07:21,630 I just wanted to drop off these old baby clothes for Lily. 151 00:07:21,756 --> 00:07:23,233 That's right. You're so sweet. 152 00:07:23,358 --> 00:07:25,559 - I hope I didn't come at a bad time. - Not at all. 153 00:07:25,685 --> 00:07:28,258 I was just deciding where to take lily for our bike ride... 154 00:07:28,383 --> 00:07:31,269 The lake or the park. I'm leaning towards the park. 155 00:07:32,341 --> 00:07:33,592 I can see that. 156 00:07:34,761 --> 00:07:36,612 You didn't have to do that. 157 00:07:36,738 --> 00:07:39,985 You guys are a touch o'class. 158 00:07:40,290 --> 00:07:42,508 Well, it is a big night for you, so... 159 00:07:42,633 --> 00:07:44,778 - Franch. - Those guys. 160 00:07:45,257 --> 00:07:47,218 Have you given any thought to what you say? 161 00:07:47,386 --> 00:07:49,740 Actually, I'm trying not to think about my act right now. 162 00:07:49,865 --> 00:07:52,184 I'm kind of fighting the old butterflies, to be honest. 163 00:07:52,309 --> 00:07:53,396 That's normal. 164 00:07:53,565 --> 00:07:56,828 I hear the Jonas Brothers get scared before every concert. 165 00:07:56,953 --> 00:07:59,289 Not Kevin? The guy's a rock. 166 00:07:59,703 --> 00:08:01,054 Especially Kevin. 167 00:08:02,433 --> 00:08:04,410 I can't believe I ever bought this for Alex. 168 00:08:04,535 --> 00:08:06,339 I wish somebody had said something. 169 00:08:06,507 --> 00:08:08,771 Come on, that was probably cute 10 years ago. 170 00:08:08,896 --> 00:08:10,835 No, it never was. And you know... 171 00:08:10,960 --> 00:08:12,829 I'm the exact same way about my clothes. 172 00:08:12,954 --> 00:08:14,230 Most of the time, great. 173 00:08:14,398 --> 00:08:16,651 But every now and again, there's that one outfit 174 00:08:17,057 --> 00:08:20,687 I just wish somebody would be honest with me and say, 175 00:08:21,085 --> 00:08:24,091 "What you're wearing is inappropriate." 176 00:08:24,786 --> 00:08:27,839 - Do you know what I mean? - I think I do, Claire. 177 00:08:28,493 --> 00:08:30,805 I think I do. And my answer is yes. 178 00:08:32,101 --> 00:08:33,601 I would love to dress you. 179 00:08:34,193 --> 00:08:35,982 No... I don't want you to dress me. 180 00:08:37,393 --> 00:08:39,551 And... I owe it to you to be honest, 181 00:08:39,677 --> 00:08:43,380 so I'm just gonna say that you need to lose the bicycle shorts. 182 00:08:45,473 --> 00:08:47,839 - Excuse me? - They're not working for you, Cam. 183 00:08:48,258 --> 00:08:49,796 Please don't take this personally. 184 00:08:49,921 --> 00:08:52,139 I mean, nobody looks good in bike shorts. 185 00:08:52,741 --> 00:08:55,270 I just... I feel that I owe it to you to be honest. 186 00:08:55,913 --> 00:08:57,455 So, we're good, right? 187 00:08:57,580 --> 00:08:59,056 - We're great. - We're great. 188 00:08:59,181 --> 00:09:00,688 - We're great. - Great, okay. 189 00:09:02,812 --> 00:09:04,920 You should probably just show yourself out. 190 00:09:05,045 --> 00:09:06,910 I hear some crying down the hallway. 191 00:09:07,035 --> 00:09:08,613 Look at that. That's a good dad. 192 00:09:08,739 --> 00:09:11,424 'cause you've got a baby, and you hear every little sound. 193 00:09:11,824 --> 00:09:13,652 I wouldn't have even noticed... 194 00:09:13,778 --> 00:09:14,779 crying. 195 00:09:19,086 --> 00:09:21,620 Okay. All right. All you need to know about this one 196 00:09:21,746 --> 00:09:24,398 is that Skip Woosnum is a well-known realtor 197 00:09:24,523 --> 00:09:25,929 - and he's old. - Got it. 198 00:09:26,054 --> 00:09:27,668 Skip Woosnum. Realtor. 199 00:09:28,123 --> 00:09:29,171 Old. Here we go. 200 00:09:29,655 --> 00:09:32,670 I'm not saying realtor Skip Woosnum is old, 201 00:09:32,795 --> 00:09:35,247 but the first property he ever sold... 202 00:09:35,952 --> 00:09:37,003 was a cave. 203 00:09:39,652 --> 00:09:41,529 You're not... Not laughing. 204 00:09:42,286 --> 00:09:44,911 - Why aren't you laughing? - Cause he doesn't think it's funny, 205 00:09:45,080 --> 00:09:48,350 or maybe you don't think I'm funny. Is that what you're saying, Mitch? 206 00:09:52,215 --> 00:09:53,219 I just got it! 207 00:09:55,308 --> 00:09:56,309 Cave! 208 00:09:57,944 --> 00:09:59,691 That one's kind of a thinker. 209 00:10:05,574 --> 00:10:06,676 There he is. 210 00:10:07,515 --> 00:10:09,480 - All right, now. - Knock it off, Jay. 211 00:10:09,605 --> 00:10:12,216 - You don't know anyone's name here. - Are you kidding me? 212 00:10:16,335 --> 00:10:17,392 Lucky guess. 213 00:10:17,917 --> 00:10:19,856 I'm lucky only one turned around. 214 00:10:21,139 --> 00:10:22,695 Listen... I need a favor. 215 00:10:22,864 --> 00:10:25,408 I overestimated the number of people I know at this party. 216 00:10:26,203 --> 00:10:28,832 So you go around, introduce yourself, 217 00:10:29,001 --> 00:10:30,327 and I'll hear the names. 218 00:10:30,452 --> 00:10:33,132 You realize you're asking me to help prove my own mother wrong. 219 00:10:33,515 --> 00:10:35,574 I'll pay two bucks per introduction. 220 00:10:35,700 --> 00:10:38,102 That's Ramona. She's crazy for bingo. 221 00:10:43,055 --> 00:10:46,325 - What's going on next door? - It's a Quinceañera. 222 00:10:46,685 --> 00:10:48,389 Another Quinceañera? 223 00:10:48,832 --> 00:10:51,920 This is not a Quinceañera. This is an engagement party. Look. 224 00:10:57,222 --> 00:10:58,737 Stop being such a snob. 225 00:10:58,862 --> 00:11:01,060 Come over and meet my friend Julio and his wife... 226 00:11:01,452 --> 00:11:03,146 I'm sorry. Your name again? 227 00:11:03,271 --> 00:11:04,272 Qué? 228 00:11:04,397 --> 00:11:06,592 I think you're really gonna hit it off with Kay! 229 00:11:10,459 --> 00:11:12,946 She's gonna tell me how to dress? 230 00:11:13,071 --> 00:11:16,132 She ought to stick to things she knows more about, like overcooking salmon. 231 00:11:16,257 --> 00:11:19,747 Okay, wait. So, she actually said that you don't look good in bicycle shorts? 232 00:11:19,872 --> 00:11:20,873 Yes. 233 00:11:21,269 --> 00:11:24,687 "You don't look good in bicycle shorts." 234 00:11:24,812 --> 00:11:25,813 Madness. 235 00:11:27,940 --> 00:11:29,074 And here she is. 236 00:11:29,199 --> 00:11:31,805 You know what? I can't be here. I'm going out for some air. 237 00:11:31,930 --> 00:11:33,932 Yes, go. This could get ugly. 238 00:11:34,507 --> 00:11:35,883 Hello, Claire. 239 00:11:36,447 --> 00:11:37,970 You are a gutless weasel. 240 00:11:39,166 --> 00:11:41,165 I heard what you said to my boyfriend. 241 00:11:41,549 --> 00:11:43,479 You told Phil he was hysterical! 242 00:11:43,604 --> 00:11:45,778 You said he was this generation's Richard Pryor! 243 00:11:45,946 --> 00:11:49,405 Well, I am not the one that you need to apologize to. 244 00:11:49,631 --> 00:11:52,634 What are you babbling about? You owe me a murder. 245 00:11:54,106 --> 00:11:57,217 Okay, Claire, I couldn't do it. I couldn't crush Phil's dreams. 246 00:11:57,386 --> 00:11:59,764 We had a deal. I told Cam about the bike shorts. 247 00:12:01,837 --> 00:12:04,331 The deal was to get Cam to take off the bike shorts. 248 00:12:04,456 --> 00:12:07,481 But guess what... he is still in the stupid bike shorts. 249 00:12:07,606 --> 00:12:09,061 Can I call you back? 250 00:12:09,186 --> 00:12:12,289 Turns out Cam was here the whole time, and he just heard everything I said. 251 00:12:12,921 --> 00:12:14,668 Did he just run into the bedroom and cry? 252 00:12:14,838 --> 00:12:17,853 Yes, 'cause that's what all gay men do. We all dissolve into... 253 00:12:18,582 --> 00:12:20,384 Yes. That is what he did. 254 00:12:23,801 --> 00:12:26,436 There are challenging moments in every marriage. 255 00:12:27,259 --> 00:12:29,239 Having to tell your husband that he's not funny 256 00:12:29,408 --> 00:12:32,412 so that he won't humiliate himself has to be one of the toughest. 257 00:12:38,406 --> 00:12:39,974 So I went a different way. 258 00:12:41,069 --> 00:12:42,218 Stop talking. 259 00:12:42,343 --> 00:12:45,313 I just need some time for this wound to become a scar. 260 00:12:45,438 --> 00:12:49,275 I'm sorry I got Claire involved, but... and this is not a criticism, but, 261 00:12:49,400 --> 00:12:52,619 sometimes you can be a little sensitive about your... appearance. 262 00:12:52,789 --> 00:12:54,651 Well, this is a criticism... 263 00:12:54,777 --> 00:12:57,823 Sometimes you can be insensitive about everything. 264 00:12:57,948 --> 00:13:01,930 I just feel like our relationship's strong enough to survive a candor. 265 00:13:02,098 --> 00:13:04,492 I mean, you could tell me if there's something about me 266 00:13:04,617 --> 00:13:06,480 - you'd like to change. - I hate your beard. 267 00:13:07,927 --> 00:13:09,629 You had that bullet in the chamber. 268 00:13:09,755 --> 00:13:12,476 I never said anything because I never wanted to hurt you... 269 00:13:12,784 --> 00:13:15,177 But I've always found your beard off-putting. 270 00:13:21,201 --> 00:13:22,533 See? Hurts. 271 00:13:28,767 --> 00:13:29,777 Get back here! 272 00:13:33,897 --> 00:13:36,374 - What are you doing? - I'm shaving off the beard. 273 00:13:36,782 --> 00:13:37,783 Seriously? 274 00:13:37,908 --> 00:13:40,760 Well, the man I love doesn't like it, so, 275 00:13:40,885 --> 00:13:42,305 - off it goes. - Well, good. 276 00:13:42,430 --> 00:13:43,555 - Good. - Great. 277 00:13:43,681 --> 00:13:44,682 Great. Okay. 278 00:13:45,587 --> 00:13:46,588 One... 279 00:13:47,212 --> 00:13:48,213 Two... 280 00:13:49,023 --> 00:13:50,024 Three. 281 00:13:51,851 --> 00:13:52,852 Wait! 282 00:13:52,977 --> 00:13:55,328 The fact that you're willing to do it is enough for me. 283 00:13:56,017 --> 00:13:57,123 I love your beard. 284 00:13:57,871 --> 00:14:00,455 I love that when you drink cappuccino, you get foam in it 285 00:14:00,580 --> 00:14:03,344 and when you're nervous, your little... hairs twitch. 286 00:14:04,926 --> 00:14:07,230 You couldn't have told me before I took a notch out? 287 00:14:07,355 --> 00:14:08,356 I'm sorry. 288 00:14:08,769 --> 00:14:10,236 Listen. I know... 289 00:14:11,066 --> 00:14:12,768 I can be touchy about... 290 00:14:13,106 --> 00:14:14,107 this. 291 00:14:14,430 --> 00:14:16,120 But you're this amazing-looking guy, 292 00:14:16,635 --> 00:14:20,003 - and... - I am not amazing... Really? 293 00:14:20,171 --> 00:14:21,923 I wouldn't change anything. 294 00:14:25,849 --> 00:14:28,368 You should know that every day, I wake up very grateful 295 00:14:28,493 --> 00:14:30,985 to have you in my life. I'm the one who got lucky, handsome. 296 00:14:31,110 --> 00:14:32,737 Maybe I just don't show it enough. 297 00:14:33,450 --> 00:14:35,533 You can make it up to me by doing my shoulders. 298 00:14:35,703 --> 00:14:36,703 Sure. 299 00:14:43,573 --> 00:14:45,428 I meant a massage. What are you saying? 300 00:14:54,439 --> 00:14:56,020 - It's Mackenzie. - Again. 301 00:14:56,145 --> 00:14:59,122 She wants me to come to this party she's throwing. She texted me earlier. 302 00:14:59,291 --> 00:15:01,142 You texted her back, right? 303 00:15:02,885 --> 00:15:03,886 I'm... 304 00:15:04,223 --> 00:15:05,224 proud? 305 00:15:05,553 --> 00:15:07,613 - Tell her you'll try and come. - Right. 306 00:15:07,739 --> 00:15:09,490 And then when she says... 307 00:15:09,786 --> 00:15:10,854 I got this. 308 00:15:13,986 --> 00:15:14,987 Who's this? 309 00:15:15,576 --> 00:15:16,577 Brilliant. 310 00:15:16,713 --> 00:15:19,747 No, I didn't see it. I get a lot of texts. 311 00:15:22,086 --> 00:15:23,753 I have a sister. 312 00:15:24,111 --> 00:15:25,462 When's the party? 313 00:15:26,285 --> 00:15:27,673 I'll try and come. 314 00:15:27,798 --> 00:15:30,184 You know, I'm kind of busy. I have a life. 315 00:15:31,122 --> 00:15:32,393 You know, stuff. 316 00:15:32,518 --> 00:15:33,519 Homework. 317 00:15:34,569 --> 00:15:36,121 I mean, not homework. 318 00:15:36,395 --> 00:15:37,950 It's not work if you love it. 319 00:15:38,699 --> 00:15:40,591 - Hang up. Hang up. - Shut up! 320 00:15:40,717 --> 00:15:43,252 - Not you, Mackenzie. - Drop the phone and kick it over here! 321 00:15:43,420 --> 00:15:45,590 I have to go. I'll call you later. 322 00:15:45,759 --> 00:15:47,260 Or you call me later. 323 00:15:47,609 --> 00:15:48,610 Love you! 324 00:15:51,708 --> 00:15:54,274 - They were right in here! - I know, and we looked everywhere, 325 00:15:54,442 --> 00:15:55,694 honey, so just calm down. 326 00:15:56,630 --> 00:15:58,201 Are you kidding me? "Calm down"? 327 00:15:58,326 --> 00:16:00,680 In one minute, I'm gonna be standing up there like... 328 00:16:00,805 --> 00:16:01,806 Like a... 329 00:16:02,902 --> 00:16:04,294 I have no material at all. 330 00:16:04,462 --> 00:16:06,408 You're gonna be fine. You don't need jokes. 331 00:16:06,533 --> 00:16:09,392 Listen to me, honey. Get up there. Be your charming self. 332 00:16:09,517 --> 00:16:12,422 Make the introductions from your heart, and get out. 333 00:16:12,913 --> 00:16:15,009 You're gonna be amazing, okay? 334 00:16:16,378 --> 00:16:17,379 Go. Go. 335 00:16:29,805 --> 00:16:30,806 Good evening. 336 00:16:31,235 --> 00:16:33,929 I would not be here tonight if not for the hard work 337 00:16:34,054 --> 00:16:35,648 of the SCARB board of trustees... 338 00:16:35,995 --> 00:16:37,418 I didn't have my jokes. 339 00:16:37,543 --> 00:16:40,116 What choice does a guy have but to play it straight? 340 00:16:40,416 --> 00:16:42,368 The support of my family, 341 00:16:43,145 --> 00:16:45,444 and Gil Thorpe's colon. 342 00:16:53,034 --> 00:16:56,384 But Phil Dunphy is no straight guy. 343 00:16:58,236 --> 00:17:01,923 So many giants of residential real estate here tonight. 344 00:17:02,343 --> 00:17:04,247 And, of course, JJ McCubbin. 345 00:17:09,028 --> 00:17:11,087 I'm not saying JJ is small, 346 00:17:11,212 --> 00:17:14,665 but in the realty section, he was described as "charming." 347 00:17:17,559 --> 00:17:19,361 Mark Simon, you out there? 348 00:17:19,937 --> 00:17:22,139 There's Mark. How are you, buddy? 349 00:17:23,120 --> 00:17:25,190 Mark recently moved into a new model. 350 00:17:25,315 --> 00:17:26,751 How are you, Francine? 351 00:17:29,049 --> 00:17:31,450 I kid, Mark Simon. I kid, Mark Simon. 352 00:17:31,843 --> 00:17:33,044 You know that. 353 00:17:33,897 --> 00:17:36,861 Trancito, little Manuel, and Carlos, my wife, Gloria. 354 00:17:37,690 --> 00:17:39,041 Nice to meet you. 355 00:17:39,479 --> 00:17:41,631 - We have to talk. - Un momento. 356 00:17:42,867 --> 00:17:43,868 You know... 357 00:17:44,036 --> 00:17:47,230 - I can't believe you never met them. - You've never met any of these people. 358 00:17:47,355 --> 00:17:50,022 You don't know anyone in this room. Vamos, Jay. 359 00:17:50,383 --> 00:17:52,507 I'm not leaving before the father/daughter dance. 360 00:17:52,632 --> 00:17:55,146 And "these people," as you call them, are not just employees. 361 00:17:55,271 --> 00:17:58,147 - They're mi familia, or "my family." - I know what "mi familia" is. 362 00:18:00,575 --> 00:18:02,127 I was afraid of this. 363 00:18:11,823 --> 00:18:13,374 Thank you. Thank you. 364 00:18:13,757 --> 00:18:16,020 Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you very much. 365 00:18:16,145 --> 00:18:17,454 I'm gonna make this brief. 366 00:18:17,579 --> 00:18:19,895 I know a lot of you out there don't even know who I am. 367 00:18:20,020 --> 00:18:22,846 As my lovely wife, Gloria, pointed out, that's my fault, 368 00:18:22,971 --> 00:18:23,972 not yours. 369 00:18:24,390 --> 00:18:25,792 I'm Jay Pritchett, 370 00:18:26,002 --> 00:18:27,003 El jefe. 371 00:18:28,667 --> 00:18:31,365 Listen... on this very, very happy occasion, 372 00:18:31,490 --> 00:18:33,383 I'd like to pick up the tab on the bar. 373 00:18:38,609 --> 00:18:41,252 You know, when I started this company... 374 00:18:42,403 --> 00:18:44,273 the first thing that I... What? 375 00:18:45,156 --> 00:18:47,888 Right. Right, now. Good. Yeah. This is not about me. 376 00:18:48,013 --> 00:18:50,049 This is about a very special young lady 377 00:18:50,174 --> 00:18:52,826 and the man who loves her more than anyone else on earth. 378 00:18:57,836 --> 00:18:59,237 Isn't that lovely? 379 00:19:00,823 --> 00:19:02,738 That's a beautiful, beautiful thing. 380 00:19:02,863 --> 00:19:05,824 You know, I'm reminded of when I used to dance with my little girl. 381 00:19:06,513 --> 00:19:07,915 But not like that. 382 00:19:10,959 --> 00:19:12,628 Slow down, there, muchacho. 383 00:19:16,557 --> 00:19:19,309 What, are you applauding this? You're applauding this? 384 00:19:19,571 --> 00:19:21,731 I don't care what kind of tradition this is. 385 00:19:21,899 --> 00:19:22,941 It's gonna stop. 386 00:19:24,718 --> 00:19:26,699 - Am I the only one seeing this? - Vamos! 387 00:19:27,416 --> 00:19:29,489 I mean, honey, I am not kidding when I tell you 388 00:19:29,614 --> 00:19:32,410 there was a woman next to me gasping for breath. 389 00:19:32,535 --> 00:19:35,288 Seriously, you were so freaking funny, Phil. 390 00:19:35,413 --> 00:19:38,478 I have seen professional comedians who could never have done that. 391 00:19:38,603 --> 00:19:39,933 You were unbeliev... 392 00:19:41,740 --> 00:19:43,541 I know it was you, Claire. 393 00:19:43,673 --> 00:19:45,424 You stole my index cards. 394 00:19:47,266 --> 00:19:48,267 I'm sorry. 395 00:19:48,841 --> 00:19:49,912 I'm so sorry. 396 00:19:50,537 --> 00:19:52,083 I thought I was protecting you. 397 00:19:52,563 --> 00:19:54,816 And if my plan had been successful, 398 00:19:54,998 --> 00:19:58,101 I would have robbed you of the greatest night ever. 399 00:19:59,973 --> 00:20:01,267 I'm sorry I'm awful. 400 00:20:01,777 --> 00:20:02,854 You're not awful. 401 00:20:05,728 --> 00:20:08,179 I love that you're looking out for me, 402 00:20:08,304 --> 00:20:10,406 and I know why you worry about me. 403 00:20:11,189 --> 00:20:13,166 But I knew I had this tonight. 404 00:20:15,155 --> 00:20:16,801 I know. 405 00:20:17,550 --> 00:20:21,516 Sometimes I just think my job is to make sure you guys don't fall on your faces. 406 00:20:22,010 --> 00:20:24,215 That's a hard job in the Dunphy house. 407 00:20:25,610 --> 00:20:27,486 - We fall a lot. - I know. 408 00:20:28,030 --> 00:20:31,633 Maybe your real job is to be the person who picks us back up. 409 00:20:32,641 --> 00:20:35,294 - Nobody does that better than you. - Thank you. 410 00:20:42,093 --> 00:20:43,494 I have no friends. 411 00:20:45,372 --> 00:20:46,874 You're on the clock. 412 00:20:52,058 --> 00:20:53,059 All right. 413 00:20:54,915 --> 00:20:56,166 What happened? 414 00:21:01,541 --> 00:21:04,604 - My gosh, mom. You're killing me. - It's pretty good, right? 415 00:21:04,730 --> 00:21:07,191 Pretty good? You could be, like, in Vegas. 416 00:21:07,359 --> 00:21:09,228 What's going on there? 417 00:21:09,353 --> 00:21:13,036 Mom does the funniest impression of that weird lady at the supermarket. 418 00:21:13,453 --> 00:21:14,832 I know her. Let's hear it. 419 00:21:17,269 --> 00:21:20,331 "It's cheaper if you buy two jars of pickles." 420 00:21:24,327 --> 00:21:26,312 - It's like she's right here! - I know! 421 00:21:26,480 --> 00:21:28,066 So like she's right here! 422 00:21:28,429 --> 00:21:29,987 That's not what she sounds like.