1 00:00:07,435 --> 00:00:10,622 - Mom, the dog again. - I know Papi, 2 00:00:10,791 --> 00:00:12,733 I want to strangle that crazy old thing. 3 00:00:12,858 --> 00:00:14,950 - Just ignore it. - It's easy for you to ignore 4 00:00:15,075 --> 00:00:16,815 because you have the old-man hearing. 5 00:00:16,941 --> 00:00:19,052 But Manny and I, we have the young ears. 6 00:00:19,177 --> 00:00:21,155 I don't get how one dog keeps you awake 7 00:00:21,280 --> 00:00:24,180 when you grew up sleeping through cockfights and revolutions. 8 00:00:24,780 --> 00:00:26,016 Very funny, Jay. 9 00:00:26,141 --> 00:00:28,325 Manny hasn't been able to sleep in weeks. 10 00:00:28,493 --> 00:00:31,289 It's screwing his brain for school. And it doesn't stop. 11 00:00:31,457 --> 00:00:33,988 It goes on and on and on and on and on and on 12 00:00:34,113 --> 00:00:37,166 - and on and on and on. - Yes, that could be annoying. 13 00:00:38,513 --> 00:00:41,893 - That's it. I'm going over there. - Now, don't go starting something 14 00:00:42,019 --> 00:00:44,063 because whenever you do, I'm the one that... 15 00:00:44,188 --> 00:00:45,839 That she couldn't hear. 16 00:00:50,038 --> 00:00:52,915 They're gone. Cam. All the children are gone. 17 00:00:53,084 --> 00:00:55,074 - What children? - I was running in the park, 18 00:00:55,199 --> 00:00:58,122 and I noticed none of the kids Lily usually plays with were there. 19 00:00:58,247 --> 00:01:00,347 - It's still early. - But then I ran into Lori. 20 00:01:00,515 --> 00:01:02,726 - Boobs Lori or adult-braces Lori? - Great-shoes Lori. 21 00:01:02,894 --> 00:01:04,313 - I like her. - And she said 22 00:01:04,482 --> 00:01:06,959 - they all sent their kids to preschool. - What? 23 00:01:07,084 --> 00:01:09,824 - We agreed to wait till next year. - It was a fake-out 24 00:01:10,137 --> 00:01:11,915 to make sure their kids got a spot. 25 00:01:12,041 --> 00:01:13,619 Those skinny bitches. 26 00:01:13,744 --> 00:01:16,671 We have got to get her into school, or else she's gonna fall behind. 27 00:01:16,839 --> 00:01:18,883 - Don't you think I know that? - This is perfect. 28 00:01:19,053 --> 00:01:22,656 Leave it to the gays to raise the only underachieving Asian in America. 29 00:01:25,553 --> 00:01:26,654 Here you go. 30 00:01:27,594 --> 00:01:28,653 Guys, breakfast. 31 00:01:29,412 --> 00:01:30,413 Guys. 32 00:01:30,538 --> 00:01:32,216 - Phil. Hello. - Totally with you. 33 00:01:32,341 --> 00:01:34,248 Kids, put your dishes in the dishwasher. 34 00:01:34,417 --> 00:01:37,407 Okay, no. That's it. Everybody, gadgets down now! 35 00:01:37,532 --> 00:01:40,152 - Why are you freaking out? - Because you're all so involved 36 00:01:40,277 --> 00:01:42,514 with your little gizmos, nobody is even talking. 37 00:01:42,683 --> 00:01:44,393 Families are supposed to talk. 38 00:01:44,762 --> 00:01:46,647 What are you doing that's so important? 39 00:01:46,816 --> 00:01:49,107 I'm locking in my fantasy roster. I'm unbeatable. 40 00:01:49,232 --> 00:01:51,472 We're totally getting an aboveground pool. 41 00:01:51,597 --> 00:01:52,910 Die, stupid, die! 42 00:01:53,079 --> 00:01:55,578 Luke, I told you to put that down, now. Come on, buddy. 43 00:01:55,703 --> 00:01:57,571 One second. I'm about to beat dad's record. 44 00:01:57,696 --> 00:01:59,298 You heard your mother. 45 00:02:00,552 --> 00:02:02,869 - What is so funny? - Nothing. 46 00:02:03,296 --> 00:02:05,448 "Mom's insane." Thank you, Haley. 47 00:02:05,915 --> 00:02:07,267 At least we talk. 48 00:02:09,609 --> 00:02:11,864 It's me. What's a good preschool? 49 00:02:12,034 --> 00:02:15,121 - Well, our kids went to Wagon Wheel. - And it was good? You liked it? 50 00:02:15,290 --> 00:02:18,012 Well, you know my kids are middle-management material at best. 51 00:02:18,137 --> 00:02:20,903 Didn't want to waste a lot of money... Yes, Mitchell, it's good. 52 00:02:21,029 --> 00:02:23,473 - Why the interest? - I just realized all of lily's friends 53 00:02:23,598 --> 00:02:26,324 are going to school this year, and now she's late. 54 00:02:26,771 --> 00:02:29,608 Don't worry. She can wait another year. Just buy her a BlackBerry, 55 00:02:29,777 --> 00:02:31,550 That's all she's gonna wanna do anyway. 56 00:02:31,675 --> 00:02:33,575 - What did she say? - To buy her a BlackBerry. 57 00:02:33,743 --> 00:02:36,235 Lily doesn't have the dexterity for that, Claire! 58 00:02:36,360 --> 00:02:37,583 What is happening? 59 00:02:37,751 --> 00:02:40,547 Can you check with your school and see if maybe you can get us in? 60 00:02:41,210 --> 00:02:43,553 I can probably get you an interview. 61 00:02:43,721 --> 00:02:46,559 That's great. That's great. Thank you. I really appreciate it. 62 00:02:46,684 --> 00:02:50,066 And, by the way, what do you think of that place Billingsley Academy? 63 00:02:50,235 --> 00:02:52,195 Billingsley. Very hoity-toity. 64 00:02:52,670 --> 00:02:55,827 You can't get in unless you're really rich or you know somebody on the board. 65 00:02:56,259 --> 00:02:57,999 God, this is a nightmare. 66 00:02:58,167 --> 00:03:01,214 It's preschool, don't overthink it. My kids didn't go to Billingsley, 67 00:03:01,339 --> 00:03:02,674 and they are fine. 68 00:03:04,973 --> 00:03:06,123 I have to go. 69 00:03:10,830 --> 00:03:12,082 That's awesome. 70 00:03:12,937 --> 00:03:15,347 Subtitles by Kevin & MiniBen314 71 00:03:15,472 --> 00:03:17,537 www.seriessub.com www.sous-titres.eu 72 00:03:29,126 --> 00:03:30,677 - Buenos días. - Hi. 73 00:03:30,802 --> 00:03:34,135 We haven't formally met. I'm Gloria Pritchett from next door. 74 00:03:34,260 --> 00:03:36,742 Larry Paulson. Yeah, I've seen you. Lucky guy. 75 00:03:36,911 --> 00:03:38,397 Wait a minute, then tell me. 76 00:03:38,522 --> 00:03:40,208 Your dog doesn't stop barking. 77 00:03:40,377 --> 00:03:42,087 All morning, all night. 78 00:03:42,387 --> 00:03:44,550 He wakes my son up, and he needs his sleep. 79 00:03:44,718 --> 00:03:45,791 It's not my dog. 80 00:03:45,916 --> 00:03:48,433 It's my soon-to-be ex-wife's. She moved out three weeks ago. 81 00:03:48,601 --> 00:03:51,394 - Is she coming back for it? - Not unless it starts crapping money. 82 00:03:51,519 --> 00:03:53,443 You need to do something about the dog. 83 00:03:53,611 --> 00:03:55,113 The dog is old and stupid. 84 00:03:55,281 --> 00:03:57,068 Who are you really mad at, Larry? 85 00:03:57,193 --> 00:03:58,578 The dog or your wife? 86 00:03:58,746 --> 00:03:59,998 Who the hell is this kid? 87 00:04:00,166 --> 00:04:02,529 - There's no need for that. - I'll tell you who he is. 88 00:04:02,654 --> 00:04:04,506 His name is "Shut up your damn dog"! 89 00:04:04,675 --> 00:04:06,990 You know what's ironic? You come over here complaining, 90 00:04:07,115 --> 00:04:09,958 and I have never once said a word about that obnoxious parrot of yours 91 00:04:10,083 --> 00:04:11,270 that's always squawking. 92 00:04:11,439 --> 00:04:12,439 Parrot? 93 00:04:12,754 --> 00:04:13,858 What parrot? 94 00:04:18,045 --> 00:04:21,012 - What is he talking about? What parrot? - How the hell do I know? 95 00:04:21,137 --> 00:04:23,112 - So, what do we do now? - Nothing. We did it. 96 00:04:23,237 --> 00:04:25,173 - He heard us. - He didn't hear nothing. 97 00:04:25,341 --> 00:04:26,542 Jay, don't go. 98 00:04:33,526 --> 00:04:35,370 Okay, we have called this family meeting 99 00:04:35,495 --> 00:04:38,086 because the personal electronics have gotten out of control. 100 00:04:38,211 --> 00:04:40,421 Starting today, there's going to be a one-week ban 101 00:04:40,546 --> 00:04:42,207 on all cellphones, texting, 102 00:04:42,375 --> 00:04:45,880 IM'ing, video chatting, video-gaming, anything on the internet. 103 00:04:46,049 --> 00:04:48,379 - How am I supposed to do my homework? - The way I did. 104 00:04:48,504 --> 00:04:50,179 With a chisel and a piece of stone. 105 00:04:50,304 --> 00:04:51,725 Can't unplug my funny bone. 106 00:04:51,894 --> 00:04:53,771 I have a huge science paper due. 107 00:04:54,120 --> 00:04:56,850 And we have a great set of encyclopedias... somewhere. 108 00:04:56,976 --> 00:04:58,949 What do you think the public library is for? 109 00:04:59,281 --> 00:05:02,334 I thought that was a bathroom for homeless people. 110 00:05:02,624 --> 00:05:05,749 - Can I still play Plants vs. Zombies? - Are you not listening? 111 00:05:06,136 --> 00:05:07,924 But you learn about plants. 112 00:05:08,094 --> 00:05:09,594 And plants are life. 113 00:05:10,095 --> 00:05:11,646 Are you against life? 114 00:05:11,882 --> 00:05:13,787 How am I supposed to talk to my friends? 115 00:05:13,912 --> 00:05:16,228 - Talk to them at school. - Or at a juice bar. 116 00:05:16,353 --> 00:05:17,777 Or on the house phone. 117 00:05:17,947 --> 00:05:20,167 - Nobody even knows our number. - I don't even knowit. 118 00:05:20,292 --> 00:05:22,288 So, you're saying dad's not gonna go online? 119 00:05:22,606 --> 00:05:24,628 - That's right. - What about fantasy football? 120 00:05:24,753 --> 00:05:27,130 Not a problem. My team's set this week. 121 00:05:27,299 --> 00:05:30,425 I am completely on board your mother's horse and buggy to yesteryear. 122 00:05:30,550 --> 00:05:32,630 For the next week, I may as well be amish. 123 00:05:32,755 --> 00:05:33,851 Jebediah Dunphy. 124 00:05:34,021 --> 00:05:37,484 Raising barns, witnessing murders, making electric fireplace hearths. 125 00:05:37,652 --> 00:05:40,406 - This is so unfair! - You know what? 126 00:05:40,947 --> 00:05:43,541 We're gonna make this fun. Turn it into a game. 127 00:05:43,666 --> 00:05:45,617 Whoever stays unplugged the longest, wins. 128 00:05:45,742 --> 00:05:47,879 - Not what I had in mind, Phil. - What do we win? 129 00:05:48,048 --> 00:05:49,383 - What do you want? - A new computer. 130 00:05:49,551 --> 00:05:50,552 Done. 131 00:05:50,677 --> 00:05:53,976 We're gonna get them off of electronics with the promise of more electronics? 132 00:05:54,144 --> 00:05:56,188 - I want chicken pot pie. - And chicken. 133 00:05:56,356 --> 00:05:57,977 - I want a car. - No way! 134 00:05:58,102 --> 00:06:00,154 - Done! - Yeah, I'm getting a car! 135 00:06:00,323 --> 00:06:01,373 Fun, right? 136 00:06:02,244 --> 00:06:04,133 - We cannot afford a third car. - Relax. 137 00:06:04,258 --> 00:06:06,250 They're never gonna last as long as us. 138 00:06:06,610 --> 00:06:09,291 Honey, don't take this the wrong way, 139 00:06:09,416 --> 00:06:11,343 but I have almost no faith in you. 140 00:06:14,995 --> 00:06:17,783 Joanie will be right out. She's just finishing up another interview. 141 00:06:17,908 --> 00:06:19,514 - Thank you. - You're welcome. 142 00:06:19,639 --> 00:06:22,184 I really like this place. Look at all these drawings. 143 00:06:22,309 --> 00:06:24,153 And did you see the duckies in the yard? 144 00:06:24,278 --> 00:06:26,206 Lily loves duckies. I'm gonna mention that. 145 00:06:26,375 --> 00:06:30,006 Do, because that's really gonna set her apart from the rest of the kids. 146 00:06:30,174 --> 00:06:33,187 We should also mention how she always perks up when we watch Charlie Rose. 147 00:06:33,312 --> 00:06:35,703 That was one time. He was interviewing Elmo. 148 00:06:35,828 --> 00:06:37,228 You boys ought to relax. 149 00:06:38,033 --> 00:06:39,340 I'm sorry. We just... 150 00:06:39,465 --> 00:06:41,653 We really want to make a good impression. 151 00:06:41,822 --> 00:06:44,201 Gay adoptive parents with a minority baby? 152 00:06:44,326 --> 00:06:46,998 Sugars, you can get into any school you want. 153 00:06:48,291 --> 00:06:49,962 - Really? - You didn't know that? 154 00:06:52,029 --> 00:06:54,580 All of these schools like to brag about their diversity. 155 00:06:54,705 --> 00:06:56,308 You're diverse times three. 156 00:06:56,477 --> 00:06:59,356 In demand. You're like Jimmy Buffett tickets 157 00:06:59,524 --> 00:07:01,735 to these hybrid-driving, straight white folks. 158 00:07:03,020 --> 00:07:04,199 I hear that, girl. 159 00:07:08,861 --> 00:07:09,912 I'm coming! 160 00:07:13,930 --> 00:07:15,304 Where the hell is the dog? 161 00:07:15,473 --> 00:07:16,975 - Who is it? - It's our neighbor. 162 00:07:17,143 --> 00:07:19,396 - The dog is gone. - Maybe it ran away. 163 00:07:19,564 --> 00:07:21,990 - It was chained to a tree. - Maybe your wife took it. 164 00:07:22,115 --> 00:07:26,034 My credit card says she's in Europe, searching for the most expensive hotel. 165 00:07:26,203 --> 00:07:28,645 - Then what do you want from us? - You come over complaining 166 00:07:28,770 --> 00:07:30,585 and the next day it's gone? You tell me. 167 00:07:30,753 --> 00:07:32,613 - I'll tell... - How dare you? 168 00:07:32,738 --> 00:07:36,009 You come to our house, you ring our bell many times, 169 00:07:36,134 --> 00:07:39,102 - And you accuse us of taking your dog. - You should go home. 170 00:07:39,271 --> 00:07:41,064 - We're not done here. - Yes, we are. 171 00:07:42,741 --> 00:07:44,029 What did you do? 172 00:07:44,197 --> 00:07:45,848 You don't want to know. 173 00:07:47,101 --> 00:07:49,122 Gloria's grandfather and uncles were butchers, 174 00:07:49,291 --> 00:07:52,562 So she's always had a certain comfort level when it comes to... 175 00:07:53,257 --> 00:07:54,258 killing. 176 00:07:55,278 --> 00:07:56,595 One time, we had this rat... 177 00:07:56,763 --> 00:07:58,557 What? First you smash it, 178 00:07:59,728 --> 00:08:01,021 Then you cut the head off. 179 00:08:01,190 --> 00:08:02,607 It was like nothing to her. 180 00:08:02,775 --> 00:08:03,859 I go to church now. 181 00:08:06,023 --> 00:08:09,496 She left the head out there to send a message to the other rats. 182 00:08:09,824 --> 00:08:11,500 - Hey. - Hi, honey. 183 00:08:11,668 --> 00:08:13,806 - How was your day at work? - Amazing. 184 00:08:13,931 --> 00:08:16,505 - Great. What happened? - Instead of wasting my lunch hour 185 00:08:16,630 --> 00:08:18,515 surfing the web, checking football stats, 186 00:08:18,640 --> 00:08:20,141 I put on some mellow music, 187 00:08:20,266 --> 00:08:21,567 And I meditated. 188 00:08:21,984 --> 00:08:23,061 For how long? 189 00:08:23,186 --> 00:08:25,931 I have no idea. I just woke up 20 minutes ago. 190 00:08:26,844 --> 00:08:30,079 I need a bar of soap and a black marker for an art project. 191 00:08:30,498 --> 00:08:34,452 Okay. Well, the marker's over there, and the soap is under the sink. 192 00:08:35,166 --> 00:08:38,283 Isn't it great how much time you have now that you're not wasting it online? 193 00:08:38,408 --> 00:08:41,111 My God. Is this what you always sound like? 194 00:08:41,549 --> 00:08:44,443 Look what I built, dad. Dunphy towers. 195 00:08:44,757 --> 00:08:45,776 200 condos, 196 00:08:46,104 --> 00:08:47,930 a happy family in every one. 197 00:08:48,056 --> 00:08:49,407 Way to go, buddy. 198 00:08:50,013 --> 00:08:51,583 I got to hand it to you, honey. 199 00:08:51,708 --> 00:08:54,669 24 hours without video games, he's already contributing to society. 200 00:08:54,838 --> 00:08:55,838 Die! Die! 201 00:08:57,992 --> 00:08:59,846 To be fair, he's using his imagination. 202 00:09:00,016 --> 00:09:02,778 There's no fire escapes! They cut corners! 203 00:09:02,903 --> 00:09:04,505 I'll cut your corners! 204 00:09:09,367 --> 00:09:10,368 Hello? 205 00:09:10,493 --> 00:09:11,954 Hi. Luke, honey, it's for you. 206 00:09:12,689 --> 00:09:14,441 Hi, Griffin. How are you? 207 00:09:14,636 --> 00:09:16,738 Yeah, he's right here. Hold on. 208 00:09:22,143 --> 00:09:23,252 What happened? 209 00:09:23,377 --> 00:09:25,481 There's a parasailing-donkey video on YouTube. 210 00:09:27,243 --> 00:09:29,197 Wait, Luke. What about the contest? 211 00:09:29,366 --> 00:09:32,257 I quit. I'm not made of stone, you know. 212 00:09:32,956 --> 00:09:34,124 I can't believe it. 213 00:09:34,754 --> 00:09:36,791 I got a "B" on my paper. 214 00:09:36,916 --> 00:09:38,068 Good for you. 215 00:09:38,509 --> 00:09:40,803 It would be good for you. It's terrible for me. 216 00:09:41,223 --> 00:09:43,160 Thanks to your moldy encyclopedias, 217 00:09:43,285 --> 00:09:46,273 my take on mitosis was completely out of date. 218 00:09:46,441 --> 00:09:48,421 They don't even call it protoplasm anymore. 219 00:09:48,546 --> 00:09:49,779 It's cytoplasm. 220 00:09:49,949 --> 00:09:53,036 - Well, you could have asked one of us. - Now you're making jokes? 221 00:09:53,205 --> 00:09:54,957 - I'm not making a joke. - Really? 222 00:09:55,373 --> 00:09:58,130 What's the difference between a gamete and a zygote? 223 00:09:59,826 --> 00:10:02,598 Don't fall for it, Claire. She's just making up words. 224 00:10:02,723 --> 00:10:03,724 That's it. 225 00:10:03,892 --> 00:10:06,813 I need the internet. I'm out of your stupid contest. 226 00:10:14,478 --> 00:10:16,280 And then there were three. 227 00:10:23,307 --> 00:10:24,568 She's kind of scary. 228 00:10:24,693 --> 00:10:26,595 We're not buying her a car. 229 00:10:31,002 --> 00:10:32,532 Hey, buddy, what you reading? 230 00:10:32,700 --> 00:10:34,402 The old man and the sea. 231 00:10:35,038 --> 00:10:36,039 You like it? 232 00:10:36,208 --> 00:10:39,003 - Hemingway gets to the point. - You read a lot of his stuff? 233 00:10:39,977 --> 00:10:41,174 That was a hint, Jay. 234 00:10:45,136 --> 00:10:46,601 I wanna ask you something... 235 00:10:46,770 --> 00:10:47,967 Between you and me. 236 00:10:48,092 --> 00:10:50,693 You want to know if I think my mom did something to that dog. 237 00:10:52,684 --> 00:10:53,685 Sit. 238 00:10:55,515 --> 00:10:58,458 - Don't most kids drink soda? - Who knows what they do? 239 00:11:00,230 --> 00:11:01,381 So, your mom. 240 00:11:02,721 --> 00:11:05,890 Jay, I've learned a few things in my 12 years. 241 00:11:06,059 --> 00:11:07,660 Don't skimp on linens, 242 00:11:08,391 --> 00:11:10,613 don't compliment a teacher on her figure, 243 00:11:10,738 --> 00:11:12,251 and when it comes to my mom, 244 00:11:12,376 --> 00:11:14,518 never ask questions I don't want the answers to. 245 00:11:14,643 --> 00:11:17,124 I don't buy it. Sensitive kid like you. 246 00:11:17,249 --> 00:11:19,633 I think you want to know every bit as much as I do. 247 00:11:19,758 --> 00:11:20,836 You're wrong. 248 00:11:21,265 --> 00:11:23,099 Then why is your hand shaking? 249 00:11:23,224 --> 00:11:25,160 This is my fifth one of these today. 250 00:11:25,285 --> 00:11:26,836 I may have a problem. 251 00:11:27,351 --> 00:11:28,552 That's enough. 252 00:11:29,770 --> 00:11:31,943 No, no, no, 4:00 tomorrow is fine. 253 00:11:32,111 --> 00:11:34,500 Yeah, my life partner and I will see you then. 254 00:11:34,625 --> 00:11:35,628 Thank you. 255 00:11:35,753 --> 00:11:37,662 Since when do you call me your life partner? 256 00:11:37,830 --> 00:11:40,128 Since a spot opened up at Billingsley Academy. 257 00:11:40,253 --> 00:11:43,190 But I liked Wagon Wheel. It had all the duckies. 258 00:11:43,315 --> 00:11:46,012 And it reminded me of where I went in Missouri. 259 00:11:46,181 --> 00:11:49,477 Everyone goes to Billingsley for a reason. It's the Harvard of preschools. 260 00:11:49,646 --> 00:11:51,522 She's not even 2 years old yet. 261 00:11:51,647 --> 00:11:53,956 She doesn't need the Harvard of preschools. 262 00:11:54,081 --> 00:11:56,533 She needs finger painting and duckies. 263 00:11:56,701 --> 00:11:58,707 I'm begging you to please just say "ducks." 264 00:12:01,044 --> 00:12:03,475 Great news. Wagon Wheel loved you. 265 00:12:03,600 --> 00:12:04,601 You're in. 266 00:12:05,177 --> 00:12:06,728 Wagon Wheel wants us. 267 00:12:07,556 --> 00:12:10,442 Well, that's great and everything, but actually we have an appointment 268 00:12:10,567 --> 00:12:12,314 - tomorrow at Billingsley. - Really? 269 00:12:12,483 --> 00:12:15,091 Apparently we are in very high demand. 270 00:12:16,241 --> 00:12:19,287 Just so you know, I don't think Wagon Wheel is gonna hold a place for you. 271 00:12:19,455 --> 00:12:21,107 I think we're gonna take our chance. 272 00:12:21,232 --> 00:12:22,882 Take our chance? That sounds chancy. 273 00:12:23,008 --> 00:12:25,747 You know, Mitchell, you were the one who called me in a panic. 274 00:12:25,872 --> 00:12:27,866 You were the one who needed me to get you in. 275 00:12:27,992 --> 00:12:30,361 I'm sorry, Claire. I didn't mean to put you out. But, 276 00:12:30,486 --> 00:12:32,981 let's not get too dramatic here. You wrote an e-mail. 277 00:12:33,150 --> 00:12:36,602 It wasn't an e-mail. It was a phone call from a land line. 278 00:12:40,400 --> 00:12:42,583 - What did you do? - What's best for lily. 279 00:12:42,752 --> 00:12:43,794 Did you? 280 00:12:43,963 --> 00:12:46,488 This is the first time being gay is a competitive advantage. 281 00:12:46,613 --> 00:12:50,099 They're choosing teams for gym class, and we're finally getting picked first. 282 00:12:50,267 --> 00:12:53,523 I always got picked first. I could throw a dodgeball through a piece of plywood. 283 00:12:53,648 --> 00:12:54,889 But I see your point. 284 00:13:19,993 --> 00:13:23,456 Don't sneak up on me like that. What are you doing out here? 285 00:13:23,625 --> 00:13:25,726 You got in my head about my mom. 286 00:13:26,249 --> 00:13:27,900 Is that the rat shovel? 287 00:13:29,585 --> 00:13:32,989 - Are you checking it for signs of dog? - I was going to. 288 00:13:33,179 --> 00:13:35,409 Well, let's do this quick. If she catches us, 289 00:13:35,534 --> 00:13:37,987 we're as dead as that dog probably is. 290 00:13:41,919 --> 00:13:43,798 - What are you doing here? - Nothing. 291 00:13:43,923 --> 00:13:45,784 Why are you looking at that shovel? 292 00:13:46,504 --> 00:13:49,175 Do you think someone did something with that shovel, Manny? 293 00:13:51,242 --> 00:13:53,855 - He thinks you killed the dog. - You little rat. 294 00:13:53,981 --> 00:13:55,230 Don't call me a rat! 295 00:13:55,355 --> 00:13:56,397 She kills rats! 296 00:14:03,183 --> 00:14:05,162 You really think that I would kill a dog? 297 00:14:05,287 --> 00:14:07,437 - What was I supposed to think? - I don't know. 298 00:14:07,562 --> 00:14:10,759 - How about I didn't kill a dog? - Just tell me what you did with it. 299 00:14:11,583 --> 00:14:14,642 - He's in a better place. - People say that when something's dead. 300 00:14:14,931 --> 00:14:17,031 Okay, fine. I took him to a farm. 301 00:14:17,156 --> 00:14:18,966 Where he has plenty of room to run. 302 00:14:19,091 --> 00:14:21,773 That's the second thing people say when something's dead. 303 00:14:22,610 --> 00:14:26,355 My hairdresser's brother has three kids. They live in the country. 304 00:14:26,480 --> 00:14:30,025 They were so happy to have the dog that they gave me a jar of pickles. 305 00:14:30,150 --> 00:14:32,298 Is that also what they say when something is dead? 306 00:14:32,423 --> 00:14:33,424 Really? 307 00:14:34,821 --> 00:14:36,561 Look how happy they are, 308 00:14:36,729 --> 00:14:40,420 instead of him being tied to a tree outside with no one to talk to. 309 00:14:40,887 --> 00:14:42,949 Why didn't you just tell me this? 310 00:14:43,118 --> 00:14:44,869 You would be okay with me stealing a dog? 311 00:14:45,038 --> 00:14:46,205 - No. - Exactly. 312 00:14:46,374 --> 00:14:49,507 That's why I didn't tell you. Now the dog is happy, Manny can sleep. 313 00:14:49,632 --> 00:14:52,551 - And we have pickles. - Okay, it worked out this time. 314 00:14:52,720 --> 00:14:55,169 But don't forget that stealing is against the law. 315 00:14:55,294 --> 00:14:56,893 - Maybe in Colombia... - Here we go. 316 00:14:57,062 --> 00:14:58,238 Because in Colombia, 317 00:14:58,363 --> 00:15:00,912 we trip over goats and we kill people in the street. 318 00:15:01,038 --> 00:15:02,780 Do you know how offensive that is? 319 00:15:02,949 --> 00:15:04,664 Like we're Peruvians! 320 00:15:09,194 --> 00:15:10,629 The contest was hard. 321 00:15:11,353 --> 00:15:12,504 Reservations. 322 00:15:12,660 --> 00:15:14,503 Even though we had sworn off the Internet, 323 00:15:14,628 --> 00:15:15,963 the rest of the world hadn't. 324 00:15:16,088 --> 00:15:17,142 Orlando. 325 00:15:17,730 --> 00:15:18,812 Domestic. 326 00:15:21,819 --> 00:15:22,820 Representative. 327 00:15:34,171 --> 00:15:35,472 You've got mail. 328 00:15:42,152 --> 00:15:43,403 Really, Claire? 329 00:15:43,822 --> 00:15:46,576 No, I was dealing with our plane tickets to visit your family. 330 00:15:46,744 --> 00:15:48,913 Please stop. You're just embarrassing yourself. 331 00:15:49,083 --> 00:15:51,252 It looks like it's just you and me, old man. 332 00:15:51,552 --> 00:15:52,553 Bring it. 333 00:15:56,595 --> 00:15:59,348 And finally, here we are back at the office. 334 00:15:59,782 --> 00:16:03,025 If you two would like to take a seat, I'll tell Mr. Plympton you're here. 335 00:16:07,479 --> 00:16:09,647 - This place is amazing! - I told you. 336 00:16:09,772 --> 00:16:12,810 - It's like Hogwarts! - The ladybug sanctuary. 337 00:16:12,935 --> 00:16:15,675 - My gosh. The little cobblestones. - So sweet. I know. 338 00:16:15,843 --> 00:16:18,000 Screw the duckies. We belong here. 339 00:16:18,125 --> 00:16:20,519 - Do you think they're gonna let us in? - Cam, relax. 340 00:16:20,687 --> 00:16:23,107 - We're queer, we're here. - Yes, we are. 341 00:16:24,453 --> 00:16:25,735 Just a few more minutes. 342 00:16:29,473 --> 00:16:31,707 I'm Stephanie Kaner, and this is Javar. 343 00:16:32,511 --> 00:16:35,549 - I have an interview with Mr. Plympton. - Wonderful. These two are first. 344 00:16:35,717 --> 00:16:37,352 Single white mother, black child. 345 00:16:37,477 --> 00:16:41,085 So what? Lily's Asian. We're gay. In the school admissions poker game, 346 00:16:41,210 --> 00:16:42,591 we're the winning hand. 347 00:16:43,173 --> 00:16:44,233 Oh, honey, sorry. 348 00:16:44,677 --> 00:16:47,489 - My partner Kavita. - Hi. Nice to meet you. 349 00:16:48,676 --> 00:16:49,827 Just a few minutes. 350 00:16:49,996 --> 00:16:53,576 Disabled interracial lesbians with an African kicker. 351 00:16:53,701 --> 00:16:55,392 Did not see that coming. 352 00:16:57,305 --> 00:17:01,058 It's been a while since I read an actual newspaper, miss that sound. 353 00:17:08,131 --> 00:17:09,867 - What is it? - Brady's injured. 354 00:17:10,789 --> 00:17:13,082 He's my whole team. I have to change my roster. 355 00:17:13,251 --> 00:17:15,672 Honey, if you can't do it over the phone, you can't do it. 356 00:17:15,797 --> 00:17:17,945 Because we're not buying Haley a car. 357 00:17:20,825 --> 00:17:22,225 Well, I'm just gonna... 358 00:17:22,916 --> 00:17:24,371 go to the bathroom. 359 00:17:28,749 --> 00:17:31,105 Phil Dunphy, don't you even dream of it. 360 00:17:31,412 --> 00:17:33,537 My friends are in the league. I'm gonna look idiot. 361 00:17:33,662 --> 00:17:35,890 - So what? - So I paid a huge entrance fee. 362 00:17:36,016 --> 00:17:38,018 - How huge? - Not huge. Tiny. 363 00:17:39,710 --> 00:17:42,602 My goodness. How is she not cracking up there? 364 00:17:43,317 --> 00:17:44,518 Listen to her. 365 00:17:44,946 --> 00:17:47,390 - No, I know, but do you know? - Wait a minute. 366 00:17:47,770 --> 00:17:49,322 - She's alone. - So? 367 00:17:50,033 --> 00:17:51,659 She's alone. 368 00:17:55,963 --> 00:17:58,033 I know. You should see her pants. 369 00:17:58,158 --> 00:17:59,659 I'll text it to you. 370 00:18:00,295 --> 00:18:02,547 Wait. Okay. Hold on. I'll send it. 371 00:18:05,546 --> 00:18:07,180 Busted! 372 00:18:07,305 --> 00:18:09,153 Sophie, I have to call you back. 373 00:18:09,321 --> 00:18:12,367 I knew you couldn't do it. I told you I'd outlast them. 374 00:18:12,536 --> 00:18:13,619 This sucks! 375 00:18:13,788 --> 00:18:16,009 - What's going on? - I'll tell you what's going on. 376 00:18:16,134 --> 00:18:17,135 I win. 377 00:18:17,402 --> 00:18:18,629 Nobody gets a car, 378 00:18:18,798 --> 00:18:20,258 I dump Tom Brady, 379 00:18:20,607 --> 00:18:23,505 and our long amish nightmare is over. 380 00:18:23,788 --> 00:18:27,355 I can't believe you thought you were gonna put one over on us. 381 00:18:27,524 --> 00:18:31,071 I can't believe that he's actually already on the Internet. 382 00:18:31,240 --> 00:18:32,449 Believe it, girl. 383 00:18:32,617 --> 00:18:34,244 So, you're online right now? 384 00:18:35,887 --> 00:18:38,315 Then I hate to break it to you, daddy, 385 00:18:38,440 --> 00:18:39,755 but you lose. 386 00:18:41,718 --> 00:18:42,719 What? 387 00:18:42,888 --> 00:18:44,081 This isn't my phone. 388 00:18:44,206 --> 00:18:47,384 I carved it out of a bar of soap and colored it in with a marker. 389 00:18:49,280 --> 00:18:51,761 Phil, she carved a telephone out of a bar of soap. 390 00:18:53,284 --> 00:18:55,620 I can't believe it! I'm getting a car! 391 00:18:56,347 --> 00:18:58,388 Holy crap. We've been shawshanked. 392 00:19:01,807 --> 00:19:03,719 Sorry about the delay, I was... 393 00:19:03,888 --> 00:19:05,849 going over the plans for our new dance studio. 394 00:19:08,231 --> 00:19:09,273 Tell me about you. 395 00:19:10,995 --> 00:19:12,146 I'm a lawyer. 396 00:19:13,309 --> 00:19:15,577 - Many of our applicants are attorneys. - Of course. 397 00:19:15,745 --> 00:19:16,787 What set you apart? 398 00:19:18,902 --> 00:19:21,894 While my white-man name is Tucker, 399 00:19:22,020 --> 00:19:24,749 I am 1/16 Cherokee. 400 00:19:25,223 --> 00:19:28,965 Ready for child to soar like eagle. 401 00:19:32,556 --> 00:19:33,905 So, what are you saying? 402 00:19:36,673 --> 00:19:38,560 - You're not getting a car. - But I won. 403 00:19:39,042 --> 00:19:40,627 We never thought you would. 404 00:19:40,795 --> 00:19:42,130 - So? - So... 405 00:19:42,554 --> 00:19:44,665 Congratulations on your victory. Nobody can ever 406 00:19:44,790 --> 00:19:46,513 - take that away from you. - So true. 407 00:19:46,912 --> 00:19:48,857 But I spent two days in my room 408 00:19:48,983 --> 00:19:51,369 talking to a bar of soap. 409 00:19:51,494 --> 00:19:53,780 - It's not fair. - It's totally not fair. 410 00:19:53,905 --> 00:19:56,274 - We're outraged. - Bad parenting. 411 00:19:57,203 --> 00:19:58,245 We had a deal. 412 00:19:58,414 --> 00:20:00,966 Which, in hindsight, was utter nonsense. 413 00:20:03,149 --> 00:20:05,510 - We hated Billingsley. - The place is so stupid. 414 00:20:06,507 --> 00:20:07,764 You blew the interview? 415 00:20:08,666 --> 00:20:11,167 - Lesbians. - In a wheelchair. 416 00:20:17,382 --> 00:20:19,371 - You still mad at me? - You tell me. 417 00:20:20,971 --> 00:20:23,462 - What is this? - If you said as much about America 418 00:20:23,631 --> 00:20:25,712 as I said about Colombia, I'd be plenty ticked off. 419 00:20:25,837 --> 00:20:27,897 Doesn't make up for everything, but... 420 00:20:28,023 --> 00:20:30,978 - A trip to Colombia? - I wanna see your village and culture. 421 00:20:31,523 --> 00:20:34,276 I love you. I'm sure I'm gonna love where you come from. 422 00:20:39,413 --> 00:20:41,235 No way he's going to my village. 423 00:20:41,360 --> 00:20:44,240 I was in two car accidents when I was living there. 424 00:20:44,523 --> 00:20:46,017 Both times I hit a goat. 425 00:20:46,142 --> 00:20:47,588 One was hurt pretty bad. 426 00:20:47,713 --> 00:20:50,212 But it was a good thing I had a shovel in the trunk. 427 00:20:52,714 --> 00:20:56,302 The tribe elders foretold that though I lay with... 428 00:20:56,699 --> 00:20:58,032 Firehaired Man, 429 00:20:58,429 --> 00:20:59,952 the giving hawk 430 00:21:00,261 --> 00:21:02,232 would bring us baby, 431 00:21:02,542 --> 00:21:04,127 with her skin the color 432 00:21:04,518 --> 00:21:06,333 of sweet corn, 433 00:21:06,666 --> 00:21:09,743 which my people call maize. 434 00:21:10,155 --> 00:21:11,266 Please stop. 435 00:21:12,405 --> 00:21:15,567 Knowledge is her sustenance. 436 00:21:16,233 --> 00:21:18,375 Like so much maize. 437 00:21:18,500 --> 00:21:20,898 Which, you'll remember, 438 00:21:21,358 --> 00:21:22,698 means corn. 439 00:21:23,111 --> 00:21:24,709 What if I was a single dad?