1 00:00:05,286 --> 00:00:07,334 Hi honey. Breakfast will be ready in a minute. 2 00:00:10,327 --> 00:00:11,926 My hand! 3 00:00:14,642 --> 00:00:15,809 Very funny, mom. 4 00:00:16,124 --> 00:00:17,354 I know it's Halloween. 5 00:00:17,523 --> 00:00:18,773 Nice fake hand. 6 00:00:24,745 --> 00:00:26,393 We love Halloween. 7 00:00:26,518 --> 00:00:29,471 - Especially Claire. - It's my favorite holiday. 8 00:00:29,828 --> 00:00:32,173 Ever since I was a kid, I loved scary things. 9 00:00:32,484 --> 00:00:34,311 If there was a new horror movie in town, 10 00:00:34,436 --> 00:00:36,106 I was the first in line. 11 00:00:36,231 --> 00:00:37,433 "One, please." 12 00:00:38,046 --> 00:00:39,348 Then I met Phil. 13 00:00:39,774 --> 00:00:40,936 "Two, please." 14 00:00:41,061 --> 00:00:43,471 Subtitles by Kevin & MiniBen314 15 00:00:43,596 --> 00:00:45,661 www.seriessub.com www.sous-titres.eu 16 00:00:55,863 --> 00:00:57,183 All right. Do me. 17 00:00:59,230 --> 00:01:01,149 I have to say, I feel kind of sexy. 18 00:01:01,319 --> 00:01:02,987 Well, squeaky sexy, but... 19 00:01:03,155 --> 00:01:06,452 You know I'd be enjoying this more if Halloween wasn't a tough day for me. 20 00:01:07,072 --> 00:01:09,356 But I want you to go to work... 21 00:01:10,193 --> 00:01:11,546 and knock their socks off. 22 00:01:11,714 --> 00:01:14,385 Well, my last job was at a pretty conservative law firm. 23 00:01:14,553 --> 00:01:16,618 No one there would ever dress up for Halloween. 24 00:01:16,743 --> 00:01:18,933 But apparently at this new company... 25 00:01:19,058 --> 00:01:22,549 Right now I'm thinking either vampire or werewolf. 26 00:01:22,674 --> 00:01:25,592 - Every year it's harder to decide. - Wait, wait, wait... I'm sorry. 27 00:01:25,717 --> 00:01:27,786 So people really come to work in costumes here? 28 00:01:27,955 --> 00:01:30,876 - Are you kidding? It's epic, bro! - Epic. 29 00:01:32,308 --> 00:01:33,673 I'm already the new guy. 30 00:01:33,842 --> 00:01:36,469 I don't want to be the nonpartipation guy, too. 31 00:01:36,594 --> 00:01:37,895 Not on my watch. 32 00:01:38,020 --> 00:01:40,433 Unfortunately, Halloween was marred for me personally 33 00:01:40,558 --> 00:01:42,260 by an incident long ago. 34 00:01:42,385 --> 00:01:44,363 Now it's just a day I have to get through. 35 00:01:44,488 --> 00:01:45,489 So you've said. 36 00:01:45,657 --> 00:01:49,135 All right, everybody has to be here at 5:30 to rehearse our House of Horrors. 37 00:01:49,261 --> 00:01:52,128 - You guys have your costumes ready? - Yeah, but it's a secret. 38 00:01:52,254 --> 00:01:54,251 Me and Manny came up with something together. 39 00:01:54,376 --> 00:01:55,425 I love that! 40 00:01:55,594 --> 00:01:58,055 - Can I have some candy? - No. How about you, Alex? 41 00:01:58,223 --> 00:02:01,521 I haven't really thought about it. I've got three huge exams tomorrow. 42 00:02:01,689 --> 00:02:03,900 Honey, you can't just slap something together. 43 00:02:04,069 --> 00:02:06,175 If you gave this costume half as much time and attention 44 00:02:06,301 --> 00:02:08,785 as you give your homework, you wouldn't be in this situation. 45 00:02:08,953 --> 00:02:11,123 Can I remind you, you have one child who's not mediocre? 46 00:02:11,719 --> 00:02:14,045 Check it. I'm a scary black cat. 47 00:02:14,214 --> 00:02:16,126 The only person that costume scares is me. 48 00:02:16,252 --> 00:02:17,594 - Go change it. - To what? 49 00:02:17,762 --> 00:02:19,932 I don't know. One of your old costumes. 50 00:02:20,433 --> 00:02:21,561 Honey, trust me. 51 00:02:21,729 --> 00:02:25,360 I am sparing you an entire day of guys asking you if you have a rough tongue. 52 00:02:27,916 --> 00:02:31,581 Hi. Dad. It's me. I wanted to ma sure you and Gloria were ready for tonight. 53 00:02:31,749 --> 00:02:33,418 - What's tonight? - What do you mean? 54 00:02:33,586 --> 00:02:35,171 It's Halloween. You know this. 55 00:02:35,340 --> 00:02:37,509 Calm down, Morticia, I'm just teasing you. 56 00:02:37,678 --> 00:02:40,035 - We'll be there. - But in costume this time. 57 00:02:40,160 --> 00:02:42,383 You can't just show up with a backwards baseball cap 58 00:02:42,508 --> 00:02:44,356 and call yourself Snoop Dogg like last year. 59 00:02:44,525 --> 00:02:47,167 I didn't even know who that guy was. Haley turned my hat around 60 00:02:47,293 --> 00:02:50,066 and told me to say it. I thought he was a dog detective. 61 00:02:50,191 --> 00:02:53,374 Listen, don't worry. We got the whole thing worked out. 62 00:02:53,499 --> 00:02:54,500 Bye-bye. 63 00:02:57,358 --> 00:02:58,843 - Hola, Jay. - Where are you? 64 00:02:59,011 --> 00:03:01,432 I have Manny in the carpool, we're going to the dropout. 65 00:03:01,601 --> 00:03:03,770 Dropout? You mean that Eddie kid? He's a moron. 66 00:03:04,080 --> 00:03:07,384 No, the dropout, where you drop the kids in the school. 67 00:03:07,792 --> 00:03:09,266 She means "drop-off." 68 00:03:09,391 --> 00:03:10,533 That's what I said. 69 00:03:10,702 --> 00:03:14,082 Listen, did you ever do anything about costumes for Claire's thing tonight? 70 00:03:14,207 --> 00:03:15,919 I'm going to pick them up this afternoon. 71 00:03:16,087 --> 00:03:19,468 You're going to be a "gargle," and I'm gonna be an evil village bruja. 72 00:03:19,637 --> 00:03:21,860 I know less now than I did before I asked. 73 00:03:21,985 --> 00:03:24,603 A bruja is a witch, and a gargle is a gargle. 74 00:03:25,020 --> 00:03:27,385 - She means "gargoyle." - That's what I said. 75 00:03:27,510 --> 00:03:28,945 As long as you got it covered. 76 00:03:29,113 --> 00:03:31,071 Because if Claire doesn't get her Halloween, 77 00:03:31,196 --> 00:03:33,538 she turns into a real "Rhymes with bruja." 78 00:03:36,030 --> 00:03:37,382 I'm the only one. 79 00:03:38,715 --> 00:03:41,117 At lunch, I'll let you wear my fangs. 80 00:03:44,328 --> 00:03:45,663 Look at those tools. 81 00:03:45,788 --> 00:03:48,190 Every year. What a couple of douches. 82 00:03:51,578 --> 00:03:53,703 There are exactly three people in costume here... 83 00:03:53,871 --> 00:03:55,687 A tool, a douche, and me. 84 00:03:55,812 --> 00:03:58,171 And I don't have time to go home and change and... 85 00:03:58,297 --> 00:03:59,298 Calm down. 86 00:03:59,466 --> 00:04:02,262 - Did you bring in the dry-cleaning? - Are you really getting on me 87 00:04:02,431 --> 00:04:04,850 about the dry-cleaning wh... I have suits in the trunk. 88 00:04:05,019 --> 00:04:07,773 Look at that. Yesterday's lazy cures today'crazy. 89 00:04:07,941 --> 00:04:10,306 Yes. Thank you! Thank you. 90 00:04:15,600 --> 00:04:17,751 There you are. I need you in the Lampkin meeting. 91 00:04:17,919 --> 00:04:19,070 Five minutes. 92 00:04:20,286 --> 00:04:22,803 First legal question. Can I fire those idiots 93 00:04:22,971 --> 00:04:24,172 for no reason? 94 00:04:25,435 --> 00:04:27,986 Those are some major guns you got there. 95 00:04:35,605 --> 00:04:36,956 Why won't this... 96 00:04:41,037 --> 00:04:42,766 - Looking good. - Thanks. 97 00:04:42,891 --> 00:04:45,108 Wait to see what we got planned for tonight. 98 00:04:45,233 --> 00:04:47,533 Claire and I are going as corpse bride and groom. 99 00:04:47,658 --> 00:04:50,107 As if there's any other kind, am I right? 100 00:04:50,276 --> 00:04:52,279 - I'm saying marriage kills you. - Judy left me. 101 00:04:54,612 --> 00:04:55,869 I am so sorry. 102 00:04:56,037 --> 00:04:58,844 When someone your age dies, what's the first thing you want to know? 103 00:04:58,969 --> 00:05:00,762 "Died of what?" Right? 104 00:05:01,026 --> 00:05:03,601 You wanna hear it was something that could never happen to you. 105 00:05:03,726 --> 00:05:06,069 Well, it's the same with divorce. Tell me it was booze, 106 00:05:06,194 --> 00:05:08,278 cheating, physical abuse. 107 00:05:08,679 --> 00:05:10,816 No problem. I'm a monogamous social drinker, 108 00:05:10,941 --> 00:05:12,591 and Claire only sleep-hits me. 109 00:05:12,716 --> 00:05:15,450 Just don't tell me it came from out of the blue. 110 00:05:15,618 --> 00:05:17,370 I was totally blindsided. 111 00:05:17,933 --> 00:05:19,625 I guess somewhere along the way 112 00:05:19,793 --> 00:05:21,504 she stopped finding me delightful. 113 00:05:21,672 --> 00:05:24,801 Well, that's... That's coconuts. You're super delightful. 114 00:05:24,970 --> 00:05:26,070 Not to Judy. 115 00:05:26,754 --> 00:05:28,912 She used to laugh at everything I had to say, 116 00:05:29,037 --> 00:05:31,649 but now I can't even remember what her laugh sounds like. 117 00:05:31,817 --> 00:05:33,319 Claire can do it. It's uncan... 118 00:05:35,514 --> 00:05:36,825 I should go back inside. 119 00:05:37,180 --> 00:05:38,782 I have a dish to wash. 120 00:05:39,070 --> 00:05:40,207 Okay, but, hey... 121 00:05:41,004 --> 00:05:43,106 If you need anything, all right? 122 00:05:43,424 --> 00:05:44,625 I'm your rock. 123 00:05:49,315 --> 00:05:51,355 You are not gonna believe this. 124 00:05:51,524 --> 00:05:53,074 Judy just left Jerry. 125 00:05:53,430 --> 00:05:55,223 She was so unhappy. 126 00:05:55,349 --> 00:05:56,583 How's he doing? 127 00:05:56,708 --> 00:05:58,619 He's not taking it as well as you are. 128 00:05:58,996 --> 00:06:01,121 I'm sorry, honey. I don't mean to be insensitive. 129 00:06:01,247 --> 00:06:02,669 I've just got a lot to get done. 130 00:06:02,837 --> 00:06:05,637 I don't find you insensitive. I find you delightful. 131 00:06:06,297 --> 00:06:08,681 - Do you find me delightful? - God, I just remembered! 132 00:06:08,849 --> 00:06:10,867 Jerry's supposed to be our porch scarecrow. 133 00:06:10,992 --> 00:06:12,606 Can you ask him if he'll still do it? 134 00:06:12,774 --> 00:06:14,484 He's kind of a mess right now. 135 00:06:14,653 --> 00:06:17,657 Yeah, but it might make him feel better be around people. 136 00:06:18,956 --> 00:06:21,874 I'll try, but his whole world just turned upside down. 137 00:06:22,287 --> 00:06:23,588 Can you imagine? 138 00:06:23,862 --> 00:06:25,630 One minute, you're happily married, 139 00:06:25,755 --> 00:06:28,006 the next minute, you're completely by yourself. 140 00:06:34,693 --> 00:06:36,951 I don't need excuses. I need this lawsuit to go away. 141 00:06:37,076 --> 00:06:39,324 Now, who's responsible for the Keith deposition? 142 00:06:39,449 --> 00:06:40,800 Well, I was, sir. 143 00:06:41,015 --> 00:06:42,457 But, in my defense, 144 00:06:42,626 --> 00:06:45,922 - I was told... - Take those stupid fangs out, Dale. 145 00:06:46,712 --> 00:06:48,176 For starters, it's daytime. 146 00:06:48,346 --> 00:06:51,736 Vampires sleep during the day... Which you may soon have plenty of time for. 147 00:06:51,861 --> 00:06:53,242 I'm sorry, but I was told 148 00:06:53,367 --> 00:06:55,525 - that we didn't need Keith. - Who told you that? 149 00:06:57,191 --> 00:06:58,243 I may have. 150 00:06:58,713 --> 00:07:01,328 - I may have done that, sir. - That's disappointing. 151 00:07:01,497 --> 00:07:03,459 But at least Mitchell's new here. 152 00:07:03,584 --> 00:07:05,920 Twilight, you're not. So get it done. 153 00:07:06,089 --> 00:07:07,411 Meeting adjourned. 154 00:07:07,536 --> 00:07:11,043 Client's waiting for us in my office. We're already late. Let's roll. 155 00:07:11,473 --> 00:07:13,169 You've really been hitting the gym. 156 00:07:14,626 --> 00:07:16,054 What the hell is that noise? 157 00:07:16,179 --> 00:07:18,247 Every time I tried to get out of that costume, 158 00:07:18,372 --> 00:07:20,785 I got dragged into another meeting. It was... 159 00:07:20,910 --> 00:07:23,133 the worst Halloween ever. 160 00:07:23,259 --> 00:07:25,961 Really, Mitchell? The worst Halloween ever? 161 00:07:26,086 --> 00:07:27,493 You had squeaky thighs. 162 00:07:27,618 --> 00:07:29,069 I lost a childhood. 163 00:07:30,109 --> 00:07:31,638 Jay! This came for you. 164 00:07:32,177 --> 00:07:33,851 Hi, honey. What is it? 165 00:07:34,019 --> 00:07:37,493 I called your secretary and told her to order you some crackers 166 00:07:37,618 --> 00:07:40,155 and those cheeses that you like... The tiny, little ones. 167 00:07:40,324 --> 00:07:42,994 Thanks. Did you pick up my "gargle" costume, too? 168 00:07:43,682 --> 00:07:45,165 Are you making fun of me? 169 00:07:45,334 --> 00:07:47,886 First, Manny correcting me. And now you? 170 00:07:48,161 --> 00:07:50,029 If I have a problem, I want to know, Jay. 171 00:07:50,154 --> 00:07:52,258 Honey, look, English is your second language. 172 00:07:52,383 --> 00:07:53,536 You're doing great. 173 00:07:53,661 --> 00:07:56,764 Yeah, you're not helping by protecting my feelings. 174 00:07:57,327 --> 00:07:58,943 I want you to be honest with me. 175 00:07:59,111 --> 00:08:00,985 Okay, well, I may have noticed some 176 00:08:01,110 --> 00:08:03,369 tiny, little mistakes you might want to te a look at. 177 00:08:03,537 --> 00:08:05,527 - Like what? - Just little mispronunciations. 178 00:08:05,652 --> 00:08:08,504 For example last night, you said, "We live in a doggy-dog world." 179 00:08:08,672 --> 00:08:11,563 - So? - Well, it's "Dog-eat-dog world." 180 00:08:12,066 --> 00:08:13,167 Yeah, but... 181 00:08:13,563 --> 00:08:14,984 That doesn't make any sense. 182 00:08:15,109 --> 00:08:18,064 Who wants to live in a world where dogs eat each other? 183 00:08:18,233 --> 00:08:20,235 A doggy-dog world is a beautiful world 184 00:08:20,404 --> 00:08:22,055 full of little puppies! 185 00:08:23,054 --> 00:08:24,369 What else do I say wrong? 186 00:08:25,611 --> 00:08:27,848 Well, it's not "Blessings in the skies." 187 00:08:27,973 --> 00:08:29,796 It's "Blessings in disguise." 188 00:08:30,422 --> 00:08:31,466 What else? 189 00:08:32,340 --> 00:08:35,181 "Carpal tunnel syndrome" is not "Carpool tunnel syndrome." 190 00:08:36,095 --> 00:08:37,297 And what else? 191 00:08:38,431 --> 00:08:39,712 It's not "volumptuous." 192 00:08:39,837 --> 00:08:41,104 Okay, enough. 193 00:08:41,738 --> 00:08:44,451 I know that I have an accent. But people understand me just fine! 194 00:08:45,159 --> 00:08:46,371 What the hell is this? 195 00:08:46,540 --> 00:08:48,575 I told you, Jay. I called your secretary 196 00:08:48,700 --> 00:08:51,005 and told her to order you a box of baby cheeses. 197 00:08:54,514 --> 00:08:56,416 So now that is my fault too. 198 00:09:00,395 --> 00:09:03,709 Can you tell Claire that I'm not really up for being the scarecrow? 199 00:09:03,834 --> 00:09:05,821 Judy and I used to love Halloween. 200 00:09:05,946 --> 00:09:08,332 It's her favorite holiday. You know? 201 00:09:08,500 --> 00:09:10,519 I hate to think of you sitting in there alone, 202 00:09:10,644 --> 00:09:13,727 running through all this in your head. What could you have done differently? 203 00:09:13,852 --> 00:09:15,554 What could you have done differently? 204 00:09:15,723 --> 00:09:17,808 It's actually a little hard for me to talk about. 205 00:09:17,933 --> 00:09:19,396 Don't push me away. I'm not Judy. 206 00:09:21,026 --> 00:09:22,735 I could've been more spontaneous. 207 00:09:23,078 --> 00:09:26,234 I could've tried to have been more fun and sexy 208 00:09:26,360 --> 00:09:27,745 like I was in the old days. 209 00:09:27,914 --> 00:09:30,106 Spontaneous and sexy. I got it. Yep. 210 00:09:30,231 --> 00:09:32,212 And remember, I'm here for you, okay? 211 00:09:33,069 --> 00:09:34,091 Son of a... 212 00:09:36,852 --> 00:09:38,141 What the hell is that? 213 00:09:38,582 --> 00:09:40,732 What? You told me to put on an old costume. 214 00:09:40,857 --> 00:09:42,483 Not from when you were 8. 215 00:09:42,652 --> 00:09:46,004 You're trying to get candy or Japanese businessmen? Change it. Go. 216 00:09:47,954 --> 00:09:49,538 Jerry is a... 217 00:09:49,663 --> 00:09:51,167 no-go on the crow. 218 00:09:51,336 --> 00:09:52,920 You've been there this whole time? 219 00:09:53,089 --> 00:09:55,551 He was venting. I couldn't break free. 220 00:09:55,720 --> 00:09:57,058 You are sexy. 221 00:09:57,183 --> 00:09:58,184 Honey... 222 00:09:58,310 --> 00:10:00,956 Not so fast. I don't think we're done here, my darling. 223 00:10:01,081 --> 00:10:03,273 - It's okay. I need to get down. - We can get down. 224 00:10:03,398 --> 00:10:04,899 We can get way down. 225 00:10:56,637 --> 00:10:58,594 Okay. Focus, Mitchell. Focus. Focus. 226 00:11:02,907 --> 00:11:06,063 I'm trapped in a men's room, and all I have on is the Spider-man suit. 227 00:11:06,188 --> 00:11:07,528 Hot. Who is this? 228 00:11:07,697 --> 00:11:11,286 Somebody took my shirt, and my clothes are all "toilety." I'm screwed. 229 00:11:11,454 --> 00:11:13,206 Why don't you just tell Charlie the truth? 230 00:11:13,375 --> 00:11:15,300 I can't. I already messed up once today. 231 00:11:15,425 --> 00:11:17,988 And I can't risk it. I have another suit in my trunk, 232 00:11:18,113 --> 00:11:20,596 but I can't get to the car without going through the office. 233 00:11:20,764 --> 00:11:23,226 You know what's ironic? Who could really help you right now 234 00:11:23,395 --> 00:11:24,596 is Spider-man. 235 00:11:30,170 --> 00:11:31,171 He's here. 236 00:12:13,370 --> 00:12:15,372 Behold my creation! 237 00:12:15,541 --> 00:12:17,435 Monster, do my bidding! 238 00:12:17,560 --> 00:12:20,131 I do as you command, master. 239 00:12:21,790 --> 00:12:25,183 You cannot have a problem with this. I'm mother Teresa. 240 00:12:25,567 --> 00:12:28,815 - Are you kidding me? - What? I'm her back when she was hot. 241 00:12:28,984 --> 00:12:31,120 I will pay you $10 to go put on more clothes. 242 00:12:31,246 --> 00:12:33,333 Bet it's the first time you ever heard that one. 243 00:12:33,458 --> 00:12:35,119 You know what? Here. Here you go. 244 00:12:36,057 --> 00:12:37,576 Let's just cover you up. 245 00:12:37,997 --> 00:12:41,748 All right, I just want to run through this really quick with everybody. 246 00:12:42,285 --> 00:12:44,636 First, it's "Trick or treat?" And then, Phil... 247 00:12:44,761 --> 00:12:47,242 "Come in if you dare." Right, and then dad does 248 00:12:47,367 --> 00:12:49,273 the thunder and the lightning and the fog. 249 00:12:49,442 --> 00:12:51,933 Usher the children in past Alex her cage. 250 00:12:52,058 --> 00:12:54,803 - I'm in a cage? - Yes! You're in a House of Horrors 251 00:12:54,928 --> 00:12:57,873 - being held against your will. - I know, so why do we need the cage? 252 00:12:58,599 --> 00:13:02,375 And then Gloria pops up as the evil village bruja, 253 00:13:02,500 --> 00:13:05,202 and she says... "Welcome to your nightmare. 254 00:13:06,065 --> 00:13:09,256 And then Cam and Haley do their thing. Kids get their candy. 255 00:13:09,381 --> 00:13:12,096 They are ushered out. They think it's all over, but it's not! 256 00:13:12,221 --> 00:13:15,254 Because out on the porch, the scarecrow pops to life... 257 00:13:15,705 --> 00:13:17,206 For one final "aah!" 258 00:13:17,480 --> 00:13:19,625 And that's Mitchell, you're the scarecrow! 259 00:13:19,794 --> 00:13:22,000 I was in a costume all day. It was awful. 260 00:13:22,125 --> 00:13:23,788 It's nothing compared to when I was... 261 00:13:23,913 --> 00:13:25,804 - You don't own bad halloweens. - Don't I? 262 00:13:25,973 --> 00:13:27,445 We get it, Cam. Hard day. 263 00:13:27,570 --> 00:13:30,377 Mitchell, please. The costume's in the kitchen. Come on. 264 00:13:31,859 --> 00:13:34,261 Claire, before you go, I just want you to know... 265 00:13:34,386 --> 00:13:36,766 - I love you more now than I ev... - The wig. That's... 266 00:13:36,891 --> 00:13:38,330 You're my best friend! 267 00:13:39,013 --> 00:13:40,252 Hey, guys. 268 00:13:41,785 --> 00:13:43,214 God, you guys look great. 269 00:13:43,383 --> 00:13:46,039 Thank you, Phil. I try my best. 270 00:13:46,164 --> 00:13:47,932 You look very dead-like. 271 00:13:48,100 --> 00:13:51,390 - Gloria, stop. I said I was sorry. - Oh, no, no, Jay. 272 00:13:51,515 --> 00:13:54,727 For now on, I only speak in proper American, 273 00:13:55,096 --> 00:13:57,248 so I don't embarrass you. 274 00:13:58,375 --> 00:13:59,956 Did she just go to the dentist? 275 00:14:00,081 --> 00:14:03,880 She's mad at me because I told her sometimes people can't understand her. 276 00:14:04,005 --> 00:14:05,457 Make it right, Jay. 277 00:14:05,682 --> 00:14:07,350 We're all just hanging by a thread. 278 00:14:07,475 --> 00:14:09,740 Hey, Dad! Oh, you look great! 279 00:14:09,865 --> 00:14:11,271 Good, Gloria's in position. 280 00:14:11,439 --> 00:14:13,539 Hi, Gloria. There you go. Right back here. 281 00:14:13,664 --> 00:14:15,612 I don't know that I'm feeling up to this. 282 00:14:15,781 --> 00:14:17,088 Why, Cam? Why? 283 00:14:17,213 --> 00:14:19,025 What happened that is so awful 284 00:14:19,150 --> 00:14:22,835 you simultaneously can't speak of it and yet can't stop talking about it? 285 00:14:23,003 --> 00:14:24,255 It's too emotional. 286 00:14:24,423 --> 00:14:26,551 - Okay. Some other time. - I was 10. 287 00:14:26,719 --> 00:14:30,250 Dressed as Quasimodo on a front porch with my best friend, Timmy Reglar. 288 00:14:30,375 --> 00:14:31,487 A ghostbuster. 289 00:14:31,786 --> 00:14:34,449 There was a bucket of candy with a sign. It said "take one." 290 00:14:35,404 --> 00:14:36,654 Timmy took the bucket. 291 00:14:36,823 --> 00:14:38,825 He put it in his bag. He didn't play by the rules. 292 00:14:38,994 --> 00:14:41,121 It's what I liked and feared about him. 293 00:14:41,685 --> 00:14:44,706 Then the bag broke as a crowd of kids rounded the corner, 294 00:14:44,831 --> 00:14:46,116 saw the pile of candy. 295 00:14:46,242 --> 00:14:47,872 Timmy said, "Cam did it!" 296 00:14:47,997 --> 00:14:50,265 - Trick or treat? - Oh, good. 297 00:14:50,434 --> 00:14:51,392 You got it out. 298 00:14:51,561 --> 00:14:53,382 Okay, everybody, our first victims! 299 00:14:53,507 --> 00:14:55,812 This is not a rehearsal. You ready? You ready? 300 00:14:57,727 --> 00:15:00,600 Come in, if you dare. 301 00:15:03,042 --> 00:15:03,917 Dad. 302 00:15:04,466 --> 00:15:05,717 Oh, let me see. 303 00:15:06,214 --> 00:15:09,330 Thank you for joining us on our... 304 00:15:09,455 --> 00:15:12,052 - First the thunder and the lightning! - Yeah, right. I got it. 305 00:15:13,396 --> 00:15:16,216 - Perfect. - Thank you for joining us... 306 00:15:16,342 --> 00:15:18,177 on our special night. 307 00:15:18,869 --> 00:15:22,000 Other children haven't fared so well. 308 00:15:22,499 --> 00:15:24,159 Welcome to your nightmare. 309 00:15:26,219 --> 00:15:27,572 What the hell is that? 310 00:15:27,697 --> 00:15:29,343 Can we just get our candy? 311 00:15:30,555 --> 00:15:32,191 But beware of the fog, 312 00:15:32,317 --> 00:15:35,094 for you might not be able to see "ahead." 313 00:15:37,078 --> 00:15:38,388 Timmy started running. 314 00:15:38,513 --> 00:15:41,903 I wanted to, but I got stuck in a rosebush and I fell. 315 00:15:42,028 --> 00:15:43,031 I fell hard. 316 00:15:43,156 --> 00:15:44,832 I can see his feet. 317 00:15:45,682 --> 00:15:46,981 Here, children. 318 00:15:47,106 --> 00:15:48,413 Have some candy. 319 00:15:48,538 --> 00:15:50,382 Happy Halloween! 320 00:15:54,005 --> 00:15:55,898 That was bad. That was a bad start. 321 00:15:56,023 --> 00:15:57,184 First of all, Dad. 322 00:15:57,310 --> 00:15:59,248 Thunder, lightning, fog cue. 323 00:15:59,613 --> 00:16:01,282 We skipped Alex altogether. 324 00:16:01,571 --> 00:16:04,037 Gloria, since when do you speak English? 325 00:16:04,782 --> 00:16:08,326 So now you have a problem with the way I speak? 326 00:16:08,451 --> 00:16:12,220 Like father, like daughter, in this dog-eat-dog family. 327 00:16:12,504 --> 00:16:13,633 Trick or treat! 328 00:16:13,758 --> 00:16:16,479 Okay, places, places. Good, Mitchell's got it. 329 00:16:16,647 --> 00:16:19,049 - I love you so much. - Not now. 330 00:16:20,282 --> 00:16:23,243 Come in, if you dare. 331 00:16:24,082 --> 00:16:25,620 - Dad. - What? 332 00:16:26,289 --> 00:16:27,376 Oh, right. 333 00:16:29,088 --> 00:16:31,132 - Phil, it's you! - No, Dad, fog! 334 00:16:31,662 --> 00:16:33,095 Thank you for joining us 335 00:16:33,389 --> 00:16:35,267 on our special night. 336 00:16:35,643 --> 00:16:38,758 Other children haven't fared so well. 337 00:16:40,278 --> 00:16:42,322 Help me, help me. 338 00:16:42,490 --> 00:16:44,436 Welcome to your nightmare! 339 00:16:46,608 --> 00:16:48,750 Now your treats are over here, 340 00:16:48,875 --> 00:16:52,831 but with all the fog, you may not be able to see... 341 00:16:53,203 --> 00:16:54,147 "ahead." 342 00:16:54,273 --> 00:16:57,131 And everyone was screaming! "That's him! Get Quasimodo!" 343 00:16:57,257 --> 00:16:59,281 And then the townspeople started chasing me! 344 00:16:59,406 --> 00:17:01,129 That's when I wet my pants! 345 00:17:01,544 --> 00:17:02,995 I wet my pants! 346 00:17:05,287 --> 00:17:06,805 This place is weird. 347 00:17:06,930 --> 00:17:07,931 Let's go. 348 00:17:08,925 --> 00:17:10,210 Mother of God. 349 00:17:11,985 --> 00:17:13,036 Son of a... 350 00:17:13,427 --> 00:17:16,849 What is wrong with everyone? Cam, "townspeople"? Really? 351 00:17:17,018 --> 00:17:20,022 I lived on a farm. They lived in town. They were the townspeople. 352 00:17:20,190 --> 00:17:21,566 And, Dad! 353 00:17:21,691 --> 00:17:24,323 It goes lightning, thunder, fog cue! 354 00:17:24,491 --> 00:17:26,994 This whole thing is a colossal fog cue. 355 00:17:27,455 --> 00:17:29,833 Claire just doesn't understand, Cam. 356 00:17:30,001 --> 00:17:33,828 Maybe she's never been picked on for being different. 357 00:17:34,010 --> 00:17:35,412 When, Gloria? 358 00:17:35,537 --> 00:17:39,143 When have you ever been picked on for "being different"? 359 00:17:39,602 --> 00:17:41,167 Ask the "gargle." 360 00:17:41,609 --> 00:17:42,959 What is she saying? 361 00:17:46,518 --> 00:17:47,619 She went insane. 362 00:17:48,098 --> 00:17:50,458 She's not insane. She's my mother. 363 00:17:50,627 --> 00:17:52,421 I'm your mother now! 364 00:17:54,719 --> 00:17:56,235 I want to tell you a story. 365 00:17:56,805 --> 00:17:58,769 About a guy eating in a diner, alone. 366 00:17:58,894 --> 00:18:00,986 Behind him he hears a woman talking. 367 00:18:01,328 --> 00:18:04,388 He doesn't turn around 5 minutes, 10 minutes, just listening... 368 00:18:05,113 --> 00:18:06,993 to the woman, the life in her voice. 369 00:18:07,362 --> 00:18:10,413 And before he even sees her, he realizes he's fallen in love. 370 00:18:11,153 --> 00:18:13,331 Now, I'll give you a guess who that guy is. 371 00:18:17,177 --> 00:18:18,329 My dad was... 372 00:18:20,353 --> 00:18:21,687 I'm just gonna go. 373 00:18:21,996 --> 00:18:23,348 No. Come on, Cam. 374 00:18:23,769 --> 00:18:25,069 If uncle Cam's leaving, 375 00:18:25,237 --> 00:18:26,763 I'mgonna go upstairs and study. 376 00:18:26,888 --> 00:18:28,409 I have a party to go to. 377 00:18:30,032 --> 00:18:31,122 She punched me! 378 00:18:31,292 --> 00:18:34,101 He came out of nowhere, he scared the baby "cheeses" out of me! 379 00:18:34,226 --> 00:18:35,880 You're talking normal again. 380 00:18:36,510 --> 00:18:38,805 Oh, I loved the story about the old man. 381 00:18:38,973 --> 00:18:40,224 Nobody said "old." 382 00:18:40,479 --> 00:18:42,134 - Cam, can we please just go? - Yes. 383 00:18:42,260 --> 00:18:44,362 Yeah, go, please. I don't care. 384 00:18:46,263 --> 00:18:47,264 I'm done. 385 00:18:50,457 --> 00:18:53,320 I'm not done. So not done. Look, here's the thing. 386 00:18:53,445 --> 00:18:55,881 We have fireworks at Christmas now 387 00:18:56,006 --> 00:18:58,261 because that's what they do in Colombia, and I don't mind. 388 00:18:58,718 --> 00:19:01,803 Thanksgiving used to be me roasting a turkey, until the gays took it over 389 00:19:01,928 --> 00:19:04,898 with whatever new turkey-cooking craze it is that you saw on the food network. 390 00:19:05,067 --> 00:19:06,411 I'm fine with that too. 391 00:19:06,904 --> 00:19:10,119 All I ask, all I ask, is that you leave me Halloween. 392 00:19:11,474 --> 00:19:13,499 I realize it is a crazy-ass holiday 393 00:19:13,668 --> 00:19:15,085 for a grown woman to care about, 394 00:19:15,255 --> 00:19:17,444 but it is my crazy-ass holiday. 395 00:19:18,511 --> 00:19:19,512 Mine. 396 00:19:27,374 --> 00:19:29,321 It's a lot of complaining from somebody who asked 397 00:19:29,446 --> 00:19:31,920 for thirds of our tandoori turkey last year. 398 00:19:35,611 --> 00:19:37,046 Not ready to talk! 399 00:19:42,431 --> 00:19:44,398 I know I haven't been much help today. 400 00:19:44,523 --> 00:19:47,477 That whole Jerry and Judy thing, it really hit me hard. 401 00:19:48,445 --> 00:19:49,863 That's why you acted like a nut? 402 00:19:50,032 --> 00:19:51,828 What if someday that's us? 403 00:19:52,899 --> 00:19:54,999 You might not want to hear this right now 404 00:19:55,124 --> 00:19:57,679 after the meltdown I just had in there, but... 405 00:19:59,007 --> 00:20:00,260 You're stuck with me. 406 00:20:01,328 --> 00:20:02,221 You promise? 407 00:20:05,901 --> 00:20:06,730 I do. 408 00:20:09,619 --> 00:20:10,770 That's great. 409 00:20:11,867 --> 00:20:12,838 Trick or treat! 410 00:20:14,364 --> 00:20:17,039 We should just put out a bowl of candy and have a cocktail, right? 411 00:20:18,168 --> 00:20:20,313 Come in, if you dare. 412 00:20:20,438 --> 00:20:22,513 Thank you for joining us on our special night. 413 00:20:23,196 --> 00:20:25,284 Other children haven't fared so well. 414 00:20:25,409 --> 00:20:26,895 - Help me! - She's doing it. 415 00:20:27,064 --> 00:20:30,145 Welcome to your nightmare, muchachos! 416 00:20:33,076 --> 00:20:36,087 But with all this fog, it might be hard to see "ahead." 417 00:20:46,540 --> 00:20:49,274 - We're back in the game! Let's go! - I love it! 418 00:20:50,108 --> 00:20:53,031 - That was for you. I did it for you. - No, it wasn't. 419 00:20:55,078 --> 00:20:56,580 One time, she says, 420 00:20:56,749 --> 00:21:00,045 "Don't choke or I'll have to give you the Hindenburg maneuver." 421 00:21:00,213 --> 00:21:03,040 One time she caught me staring off. And she goes, "Cam, what's wrong? 422 00:21:03,165 --> 00:21:05,568 "You look like a deer in head lice!" 423 00:21:06,030 --> 00:21:08,848 In the service, I had a job, briefly. 424 00:21:09,232 --> 00:21:10,734 Handling explosives. 425 00:21:11,065 --> 00:21:13,244 Which sounds dangerous, but it's not. 426 00:21:13,755 --> 00:21:16,537 You store them at the right temperature, you have no problems. 427 00:21:16,705 --> 00:21:18,212 Tell her she doesn't have a choice, 428 00:21:18,417 --> 00:21:21,170 she'll say, "Don't you give me an old tomato." 429 00:21:21,339 --> 00:21:23,356 - Or when she says... - Okay! Enough! 430 00:21:23,787 --> 00:21:27,224 You try speaking in another language! Everybody out of my house! 431 00:21:27,757 --> 00:21:28,908 Until you do.