1 00:00:06,950 --> 00:00:09,645 How many people have ordered DVDs and haven't paid for them? 2 00:00:11,445 --> 00:00:14,656 - I guess I could stop by and... - Really, really important. 3 00:00:16,128 --> 00:00:17,873 Cheryl, can I call you back? 4 00:00:18,277 --> 00:00:19,570 Okay. Great. Bye. 5 00:00:20,088 --> 00:00:21,088 Yes? What? 6 00:00:21,465 --> 00:00:24,008 I was going through your drawer looking for some lip stuff, my... 7 00:00:24,176 --> 00:00:25,301 Lips were dry. 8 00:00:25,654 --> 00:00:27,004 God, you know me. 9 00:00:27,878 --> 00:00:29,472 Remember the spa certificates we got 10 00:00:29,640 --> 00:00:31,165 at the children's hospital auction? 11 00:00:31,683 --> 00:00:34,018 Well, look at this... they expire tomorrow. 12 00:00:34,186 --> 00:00:35,728 Oh, wow. What are you gonna do? 13 00:00:36,375 --> 00:00:38,383 Claire, I don't think you're grasping the magnitude 14 00:00:38,508 --> 00:00:40,994 of this package, valued at over $250. 15 00:00:41,193 --> 00:00:42,935 - Sweetie... - If you don't use them, 16 00:00:43,060 --> 00:00:44,860 then all our money just goes to charity. 17 00:00:44,985 --> 00:00:46,300 What am I supposed to do? 18 00:00:46,425 --> 00:00:48,451 Somewhere between dropping off Alex at orchestra 19 00:00:48,576 --> 00:00:50,209 and picking up Luke from practice... 20 00:00:50,334 --> 00:00:52,868 Oh, and burning a bunch of DVDs of the talent show, 21 00:00:52,993 --> 00:00:55,498 I'm gonna, what, pop in for a quick salt scrub? 22 00:00:55,666 --> 00:00:58,417 - I thought Cheryl was doing the DVDs. - Well, she's supposed to, 23 00:00:58,589 --> 00:01:00,129 but somehow she's got me doing it. 24 00:01:00,443 --> 00:01:02,178 Here's what you do. Say, 25 00:01:02,303 --> 00:01:04,658 "Cheryl, no can do today. Need a little'me time.'" 26 00:01:05,400 --> 00:01:06,501 Have you met Cheryl? 27 00:01:06,718 --> 00:01:09,104 That'll be my new nickname. I'll be Claire "me time" Dunphy. 28 00:01:09,229 --> 00:01:11,806 - It's not worth the headache. - Just say you're sick. 29 00:01:11,974 --> 00:01:13,934 Then I run into her, and it'll be a whole thing. 30 00:01:14,059 --> 00:01:16,453 Then, you say you're on your way to the pharmacy to... 31 00:01:16,578 --> 00:01:18,132 Darling, no, not helping. 32 00:01:18,257 --> 00:01:19,980 I'll give them to Florence Gunderman at work. 33 00:01:20,148 --> 00:01:23,398 Her hands look gross ever since she took up the banjo. 34 00:01:23,523 --> 00:01:25,588 Hey, mom, I need some money for lunch. We... 35 00:01:25,713 --> 00:01:27,282 Oh, my God! Take off my sweater! 36 00:01:27,407 --> 00:01:29,564 - Mom, tell her to take it off! - Alex, take it off. 37 00:01:29,689 --> 00:01:31,818 Last week, she wore my sweatshirt without asking. 38 00:01:31,943 --> 00:01:33,117 That is true. 39 00:01:33,242 --> 00:01:36,321 Please... That was an honor for your stupid old sweatshirt. 40 00:01:36,446 --> 00:01:38,499 It was the first time the top half got any exercise. 41 00:01:38,667 --> 00:01:41,769 Now, mom, that's my favorite sweater! I just got it. 42 00:01:41,894 --> 00:01:43,790 You know what you girls need to learn to do? 43 00:01:43,915 --> 00:01:47,049 You need to learn to share, because that's what sisters do. 44 00:01:47,273 --> 00:01:49,506 Haley, nothing's gonna happen to your sweater. 45 00:01:49,631 --> 00:01:50,731 Right, Alex? 46 00:01:51,722 --> 00:01:52,772 Okay, fine. 47 00:01:53,195 --> 00:01:56,495 Then I will just go put on your favorite nerdy t-shirt, 48 00:01:56,620 --> 00:01:59,284 the one with the guy from "Back to the future" on it. 49 00:01:59,521 --> 00:02:01,038 That's Albert Einstein! 50 00:02:01,163 --> 00:02:02,663 And it is not nerdy! 51 00:02:04,047 --> 00:02:04,900 Well... 52 00:02:06,695 --> 00:02:07,692 Hi! 53 00:02:07,817 --> 00:02:09,572 Hey, daddy. How was the farmers' market? 54 00:02:09,740 --> 00:02:12,700 Well, it was great, but guess what the new spinach is. 55 00:02:13,469 --> 00:02:15,286 - Radicchio? - Kale. 56 00:02:15,667 --> 00:02:16,620 No! 57 00:02:16,788 --> 00:02:18,747 I know. I was just as blown away as you are. 58 00:02:19,120 --> 00:02:22,268 Oh, well, I guess we're going to have to adopt... 59 00:02:23,128 --> 00:02:24,487 a new attitude towards kale. 60 00:02:24,612 --> 00:02:27,554 Maybe we'll even adopt a new vinaigrette. 61 00:02:27,679 --> 00:02:29,055 Adopt, yay! 62 00:02:29,259 --> 00:02:31,076 Okay, what's going on here? 63 00:02:31,201 --> 00:02:34,294 I'm taking the negative charge out of the word "adopted." Yay. 64 00:02:34,556 --> 00:02:35,848 What did Oprah do now? 65 00:02:36,016 --> 00:02:39,361 Well, she had a girl on who, at 16, found out that she was adopted 66 00:02:39,486 --> 00:02:41,860 and felt betrayed, ran away, and became a stripper... 67 00:02:41,985 --> 00:02:44,482 And not the heart-of-gold kind, the by-the-airport kind. 68 00:02:44,650 --> 00:02:45,650 Okay. 69 00:02:46,401 --> 00:02:48,277 All right. Go get your gavel, judge Judy. 70 00:02:48,445 --> 00:02:50,654 No, not at all. I'm adopting... 71 00:02:51,823 --> 00:02:54,283 a tolerant attitude toward your flights of lunacy. 72 00:02:54,451 --> 00:02:56,233 Adopting! Yay! 73 00:02:56,824 --> 00:02:59,279 Subtitles by MiniBen314, Kevin & Tyno 74 00:02:59,404 --> 00:03:01,499 www.seriessub.com www.sous-titres.eu 75 00:03:09,424 --> 00:03:12,870 Alex, hurry up. The later we are, the more Cheryl texts me to do. 76 00:03:12,995 --> 00:03:14,324 I'm coming. 77 00:03:15,347 --> 00:03:17,324 Tell me again why the violin just wasn't you. 78 00:03:17,449 --> 00:03:18,554 It's too happy. 79 00:03:20,769 --> 00:03:21,941 Okay, hang on. Hang on. 80 00:03:22,066 --> 00:03:23,779 Let's see. It might not be a big deal. 81 00:03:24,301 --> 00:03:25,667 Here we go. Let's see. 82 00:03:26,665 --> 00:03:27,835 - Okay. - Is it bad? 83 00:03:28,318 --> 00:03:30,778 No, it's gonna be fine. You're gonna be okay. 84 00:03:30,946 --> 00:03:31,946 Oh, honey. 85 00:03:32,524 --> 00:03:33,766 I forgot my phone. 86 00:03:33,891 --> 00:03:34,891 Hi. 87 00:03:35,016 --> 00:03:36,016 What? 88 00:03:36,281 --> 00:03:37,409 Nothing. I love you. 89 00:03:37,577 --> 00:03:38,577 So weird. 90 00:03:38,929 --> 00:03:40,913 You better not spill anything on that, okay, dork? 91 00:03:41,038 --> 00:03:44,166 Relax. Half the 11th grade's been inside this sweater. 92 00:03:44,856 --> 00:03:48,677 More than anything, I want my girls to stop fighting and be close. 93 00:03:48,928 --> 00:03:51,812 I want them to share clothes and do each other's hair 94 00:03:51,937 --> 00:03:53,641 and gossip about boys... 95 00:03:53,795 --> 00:03:55,469 Like I used to do with Mitchell. 96 00:03:57,347 --> 00:03:59,180 Let's go, let's go, let's go! 97 00:04:00,298 --> 00:04:01,978 Have you noticed a spring in my step? 98 00:04:02,103 --> 00:04:04,728 Kids say cruel things. That doesn't mean you'll turn out that way. 99 00:04:05,051 --> 00:04:07,232 No. We have something in common. 100 00:04:07,357 --> 00:04:08,664 I'm seeing a younger woman. 101 00:04:08,859 --> 00:04:09,900 How much younger? 102 00:04:10,068 --> 00:04:12,279 13 months. Her name's Chloe. 103 00:04:12,637 --> 00:04:14,446 She makes me feel like a 5th grader again. 104 00:04:14,614 --> 00:04:15,810 Good for you, kid. 105 00:04:16,780 --> 00:04:19,785 There they are... my two dirty old men. 106 00:04:19,953 --> 00:04:21,688 Pretty soon you're gonna be north of 40 107 00:04:21,813 --> 00:04:23,694 and I'll have to trade you for a newer model. 108 00:04:23,819 --> 00:04:25,041 Am I right, buddy? 109 00:04:25,166 --> 00:04:26,600 That's my mother, Jay. 110 00:04:27,081 --> 00:04:28,081 You ready? 111 00:04:28,653 --> 00:04:31,551 It's such a beautiful day. Why do we have to do this? 112 00:04:31,676 --> 00:04:33,106 When this thing is behind us, 113 00:04:33,231 --> 00:04:34,925 we never have to think about it again. 114 00:04:35,093 --> 00:04:36,093 Come on. 115 00:04:36,318 --> 00:04:38,646 I went to a funeral last Saturday, and it got me thinking 116 00:04:38,771 --> 00:04:41,054 about where Gloria and I were gonna end up after we die. 117 00:04:41,179 --> 00:04:42,887 Yeah, it's been a fun week. 118 00:04:43,012 --> 00:04:45,253 I don't like loose ends. So I made a few calls. 119 00:04:45,378 --> 00:04:47,596 I found these people selling a couple of primo plots 120 00:04:47,721 --> 00:04:49,329 in the best cemetery in town. 121 00:04:49,454 --> 00:04:51,228 Not that I'm gonna go there anytime soon. 122 00:04:51,353 --> 00:04:52,868 Don't be so sure... 123 00:04:53,312 --> 00:04:54,968 with all the bacon that he eats. 124 00:04:55,093 --> 00:04:57,907 Got to give my cholesterol pills something to do. 125 00:05:00,777 --> 00:05:02,343 Don't care how much they promote it, 126 00:05:02,468 --> 00:05:05,164 kale is a garnish. It's not ready to anchor a meal. 127 00:05:05,332 --> 00:05:06,482 Look at this. 128 00:05:07,514 --> 00:05:10,252 Lily's little hat that we bought her at the airport in Vietnam. 129 00:05:10,420 --> 00:05:11,587 Remember her in that? 130 00:05:11,755 --> 00:05:15,049 Remember how I used to wear it and act like I had a giant head? 131 00:05:15,217 --> 00:05:17,843 That was good acting. So, what are you doing? 132 00:05:18,139 --> 00:05:21,216 I'm putting together a little scrapbook of how Lily became ours. 133 00:05:21,341 --> 00:05:24,420 Her adoption certificate, some pictures of her from her village. 134 00:05:24,545 --> 00:05:27,311 All out in the open, so she has nothing to be ashamed of. 135 00:05:27,479 --> 00:05:28,795 You leaving that on all day? 136 00:05:28,920 --> 00:05:32,040 And I'm also gonna write a storybook. Something I can read her at bedtime. 137 00:05:32,165 --> 00:05:34,078 It's called "Two monkeys and a panda." 138 00:05:34,203 --> 00:05:35,986 She's the panda because she's Asian. 139 00:05:36,303 --> 00:05:38,614 - And we're monkeys because... - I can draw monkeys. 140 00:05:39,139 --> 00:05:41,116 Well, I think this is a great project, 141 00:05:41,241 --> 00:05:43,160 and I believe you are gonna finish it. 142 00:05:44,038 --> 00:05:45,638 - Oh, my God. - What? 143 00:05:46,397 --> 00:05:47,998 Lily's adoption certificate. 144 00:05:48,166 --> 00:05:50,442 - Her name is "Lily Tucker Pritchett." - Right. 145 00:05:50,627 --> 00:05:53,810 Not "Tucker-Pritchett" like it's supposed to be. 146 00:05:54,375 --> 00:05:56,799 First name, "Lily." Middle name, "Tucker." 147 00:05:56,967 --> 00:05:59,426 - Last name, "Pritchett." - Well, that can't be right. 148 00:05:59,594 --> 00:06:01,460 This is a legal document! 149 00:06:02,142 --> 00:06:03,450 She only has your last name. 150 00:06:03,575 --> 00:06:05,099 My name is just a middle name! 151 00:06:05,267 --> 00:06:08,120 - Stay calm. Don't get upset. - Nobody knows anyone's middle name! 152 00:06:08,245 --> 00:06:09,730 - What's my middle name? - Scott. 153 00:06:09,855 --> 00:06:11,105 We're a couple! 154 00:06:11,273 --> 00:06:13,408 Okay, look, this is obviously a mistake. 155 00:06:14,059 --> 00:06:17,236 You filled out this paperwork. You don't make mistakes like this. 156 00:06:17,404 --> 00:06:19,699 You correct mistakes like this. 157 00:06:21,526 --> 00:06:22,741 You did this on purpose. 158 00:06:23,458 --> 00:06:24,284 What? 159 00:06:24,639 --> 00:06:27,352 You burried my name so your name could have top billing. 160 00:06:27,477 --> 00:06:29,331 I am not gonna sit here and listen to you 161 00:06:29,499 --> 00:06:31,291 accuse me of something so horrible! 162 00:06:31,459 --> 00:06:33,678 It makes so much sense now... 163 00:06:33,803 --> 00:06:36,230 Why you wanted to fill out all these legal forms. 164 00:06:36,548 --> 00:06:39,035 Well, I'm a lawyer! I fill out all the legal forms, 165 00:06:39,160 --> 00:06:41,802 ever since you signed up for a 12-year gym membership! 166 00:06:41,970 --> 00:06:43,834 The more you spend, the more you save! 167 00:06:46,432 --> 00:06:49,232 All the women at work were too busy to use this certificate, 168 00:06:49,357 --> 00:06:53,157 so I called the spa and asked them to extend the expiration date. 169 00:06:53,549 --> 00:06:54,899 But they said no. 170 00:06:55,570 --> 00:06:56,571 Really? 171 00:06:57,188 --> 00:06:59,623 Here's something they didn't count on. 172 00:06:59,748 --> 00:07:02,824 You mess with Phil Dunphy, the claws come out. 173 00:07:06,244 --> 00:07:08,913 You have very nice hands. Soft like lady's. 174 00:07:09,412 --> 00:07:11,662 Thank you, Kim. I appreciate that. 175 00:07:12,616 --> 00:07:14,616 My wife never seems to notice. 176 00:07:19,910 --> 00:07:20,960 This is it! 177 00:07:22,835 --> 00:07:23,845 What is ta-da? 178 00:07:24,011 --> 00:07:25,861 I'm just saying this is it. 179 00:07:26,431 --> 00:07:27,946 "Ta-da" is when you do a flip 180 00:07:28,071 --> 00:07:31,171 or where the magician cuts the pretty lady in half, 181 00:07:31,566 --> 00:07:34,898 not when you show someone where you want to shove their dead body. 182 00:07:35,064 --> 00:07:38,276 I'm not gonna argue the proper use of "ta-da." This is it. 183 00:07:38,443 --> 00:07:40,606 Seriously? In the file cabinet? 184 00:07:40,818 --> 00:07:44,032 It's called a crypt. And how are you not getting how great this is? 185 00:07:44,198 --> 00:07:45,992 We're four down from Bugsy Siegel. 186 00:07:46,796 --> 00:07:49,287 I'm not going into any wall. I'm going in the ground. 187 00:07:49,454 --> 00:07:52,032 Sorry, not me. There's enough to not like about death 188 00:07:52,157 --> 00:07:55,168 without adding dirt and worms. The whole thing gives me the willies. 189 00:07:55,334 --> 00:07:57,484 You die, you go to the ground. 190 00:07:57,609 --> 00:07:59,798 Is natural. You go back to the earth. 191 00:08:00,170 --> 00:08:02,620 Here, you're just a mushy bag of bones 192 00:08:03,134 --> 00:08:04,844 rotting away for all eternity! 193 00:08:07,486 --> 00:08:08,932 Sorry for your loss. 194 00:08:09,817 --> 00:08:13,228 - Can we get the hell out of here? - What am I supposed to tell the guy? 195 00:08:13,849 --> 00:08:16,406 Tell them we don't want our bodies inside these drawers 196 00:08:16,531 --> 00:08:18,483 - where God cannot find us! - These are not 197 00:08:18,649 --> 00:08:21,486 like our drawers at home. People can find things in these. 198 00:08:22,445 --> 00:08:23,947 I'm thinking of getting bangs. 199 00:08:24,626 --> 00:08:27,450 You totally should. You would be so cute with bangs. 200 00:08:27,617 --> 00:08:29,816 You have the face for it. I don't. 201 00:08:30,791 --> 00:08:33,541 There's my better half. Kim, would you mind? 202 00:08:33,895 --> 00:08:34,896 Thank you 203 00:08:35,750 --> 00:08:38,419 - Where are you? - I'm on my way to Downey. 204 00:08:39,237 --> 00:08:41,744 Did you know Karen and Richard Carpenter grew up in Downey? 205 00:08:41,869 --> 00:08:44,369 What random and not-helpful fact, Phil. 206 00:08:45,637 --> 00:08:47,637 I'm sorry. I'm having kind of a rough day. 207 00:08:47,804 --> 00:08:49,877 Yeah, I'm kind of having a rough day myself. 208 00:08:52,058 --> 00:08:54,586 Look, Phil, I need you to take care of dinner for me. 209 00:08:54,711 --> 00:08:55,861 What's wrong? 210 00:08:56,155 --> 00:08:59,357 Alex ripped Haley's favorite sweater, I'm driving around from store to store, 211 00:08:59,482 --> 00:09:01,860 trying to find the exact same one before Haley finds out. 212 00:09:02,026 --> 00:09:04,445 Don't do that. Just explain to her what happened. 213 00:09:04,612 --> 00:09:06,114 Haley's not gonna understand. 214 00:09:06,280 --> 00:09:09,067 - Sure, she will. - No, Phil, you don't understand. 215 00:09:09,192 --> 00:09:11,536 I'm trying to avoid this turning into a whole big thing. 216 00:09:11,702 --> 00:09:14,455 Then just get her something close. She'll never know the difference. 217 00:09:14,622 --> 00:09:17,750 Could you just take care of dinner? That's all I'm asking. That's it. 218 00:09:17,917 --> 00:09:20,211 I'm just saying, there's a simpler way to do this. 219 00:09:20,378 --> 00:09:22,255 There is no simpler way. Just make dinner! 220 00:09:22,421 --> 00:09:23,422 Thank you. 221 00:09:28,750 --> 00:09:29,751 What? 222 00:09:33,016 --> 00:09:34,225 We're the Rutledges, 223 00:09:34,392 --> 00:09:36,241 the ones selling the spots. 224 00:09:38,351 --> 00:09:39,814 My gosh. Look, honey. 225 00:09:39,981 --> 00:09:42,505 I hadn't heard. Martin is in. 226 00:09:42,913 --> 00:09:45,170 Well, look at that. 227 00:09:45,295 --> 00:09:47,048 I'm sorry. Is that a friend of yours? 228 00:09:47,173 --> 00:09:49,741 We've made a point to get to know everyone in the neighborhood. 229 00:09:49,907 --> 00:09:52,952 We think it makes it less awkward, you know, later. 230 00:09:53,119 --> 00:09:55,038 I'm sorry. This is my wife, Gloria. 231 00:09:57,243 --> 00:09:59,073 I'm Ed, and this 232 00:09:59,946 --> 00:10:00,996 is my bunk. 233 00:10:01,247 --> 00:10:05,276 And this is my loving wife and devoted mother of three, Winnie. 234 00:10:06,062 --> 00:10:07,253 She'll be here. 235 00:10:07,378 --> 00:10:09,052 I don't know what our lineup is yet. 236 00:10:09,218 --> 00:10:12,668 But at home, I sleep on the right side, so probably there. 237 00:10:14,140 --> 00:10:17,899 We don't mean to be rude, but you seem to be much younger than your husband. 238 00:10:18,024 --> 00:10:20,438 - You're not rude, I'm much younger. - Is that a problem? 239 00:10:20,605 --> 00:10:22,933 Well, it's just that there's a good chance, 240 00:10:23,058 --> 00:10:25,597 you'll be moving in long before she would. 241 00:10:25,722 --> 00:10:28,905 Our concern is, your wife remarries, 242 00:10:29,238 --> 00:10:31,547 and she wants to be laid to rest with her new husband. 243 00:10:31,672 --> 00:10:34,472 So she sells this spot to the highest bidder. 244 00:10:34,744 --> 00:10:37,188 And we're left lying next to a complete stranger, 245 00:10:37,313 --> 00:10:40,124 without even so much as a formal "How do you do?" 246 00:10:40,291 --> 00:10:41,790 Tell them you're in. 247 00:10:41,915 --> 00:10:45,215 I don't know, Jay. I think they have a very good point. 248 00:10:45,923 --> 00:10:47,872 And they're not crazy at all. 249 00:10:47,997 --> 00:10:49,829 What do you mean they have a good point? 250 00:10:49,954 --> 00:10:51,627 I don't think this is going to work. 251 00:10:51,752 --> 00:10:54,502 Good luck getting someone into your drawers. 252 00:11:01,020 --> 00:11:04,080 It occurs to me that I may have gotten a little too upset 253 00:11:04,205 --> 00:11:07,655 and jumped to some conclusions that were perhaps not true. 254 00:11:08,266 --> 00:11:10,321 I realize now that you would never 255 00:11:10,488 --> 00:11:13,322 intentionally do something so unthinkable. 256 00:11:13,447 --> 00:11:14,448 So... 257 00:11:15,933 --> 00:11:18,413 I just wanted to say I'm sorry for accusing you. 258 00:11:19,104 --> 00:11:21,499 - I did it. - I knew it! You two-faced... 259 00:11:21,666 --> 00:11:23,280 - Let me explain. - There is... 260 00:11:23,405 --> 00:11:25,598 There is no explanation. There is just no excuse. 261 00:11:25,723 --> 00:11:27,005 I just want to know why! 262 00:11:27,813 --> 00:11:29,958 You know how, some women 263 00:11:30,083 --> 00:11:32,844 say that they forget how painful childbirth was? 264 00:11:33,010 --> 00:11:35,680 I think that you are forgetting how panicked 265 00:11:35,846 --> 00:11:38,141 you were before we got Lily. You were freaking out. 266 00:11:38,307 --> 00:11:39,559 I was not! 267 00:11:40,810 --> 00:11:43,453 It says we can put the mattress at one of three different levels. 268 00:11:43,578 --> 00:11:45,433 - Which one should we do? - I don't know. 269 00:11:45,558 --> 00:11:47,528 Just think about how far down she should be. 270 00:11:47,653 --> 00:11:49,653 I don't know! I can't do this! 271 00:11:54,285 --> 00:11:56,724 This latch system is great. What did people do before this? 272 00:11:56,849 --> 00:11:59,260 I don't know! Stop asking me questions! 273 00:11:59,385 --> 00:12:01,135 I can't do this! I can't! 274 00:12:02,081 --> 00:12:05,293 Okay, well... I don't see what that has to do with anything. 275 00:12:05,459 --> 00:12:07,092 I was scared that 276 00:12:07,217 --> 00:12:10,173 it was just gonna all be too much for you and you were gonna leave. 277 00:12:10,936 --> 00:12:12,341 And then I would be the one 278 00:12:12,508 --> 00:12:14,952 taking care of a baby and half of her last name 279 00:12:15,077 --> 00:12:17,305 would belong to the guy who left us. 280 00:12:19,223 --> 00:12:21,979 It was a mistake. I'm sorry. I wanted to have it changed, 281 00:12:22,104 --> 00:12:24,162 but I needed to get your signature, and I was 282 00:12:24,287 --> 00:12:27,023 afraid it would start a big fight and that you would hate me and... 283 00:12:30,860 --> 00:12:34,010 I'm confused... You're saying that if she tells me she has a problem, 284 00:12:34,135 --> 00:12:37,403 - I'm not supposed to help her? - Not unless she asks for your help. 285 00:12:37,528 --> 00:12:40,419 But if she lets me help her, I can make her problem go away. 286 00:12:41,392 --> 00:12:43,206 That is such a male thing to say. 287 00:12:43,456 --> 00:12:45,605 Well, forgive me for being a man. 288 00:12:46,126 --> 00:12:47,251 Mango or kiwi? 289 00:12:47,649 --> 00:12:48,650 Kiwi. 290 00:12:49,223 --> 00:12:51,733 When you say, you know, "Do this or do that," 291 00:12:51,858 --> 00:12:54,277 all she's hearing is, "I'm smarter than you." 292 00:12:54,676 --> 00:12:56,662 Believe me, she doesn't think that. 293 00:12:56,787 --> 00:12:59,487 She doesn't want you to solve her problems. 294 00:12:59,847 --> 00:13:03,074 She just wants you to give her support so she can solve her problems herself. 295 00:13:03,199 --> 00:13:04,898 Yes, and sometimes... 296 00:13:05,023 --> 00:13:07,723 sometimes she just wants a sympathetic ear. 297 00:13:10,759 --> 00:13:14,418 Maybe it's all the creams, but that just made sense, girlfriends. 298 00:13:14,543 --> 00:13:17,909 So if Claire says, "I hate getting stuck in traffic," 299 00:13:18,034 --> 00:13:21,184 I shouldn't say, "Maybe you should leave earlier"... 300 00:13:21,309 --> 00:13:24,359 Or, "Don't get on the freeway." I should just say, 301 00:13:25,063 --> 00:13:27,190 "I know. It's so frustrating." 302 00:13:27,858 --> 00:13:29,508 - That's it! - Really? 303 00:13:29,633 --> 00:13:31,033 And if she says... 304 00:13:31,598 --> 00:13:34,425 "The waiter I had today was so rude," I shouldn't say, 305 00:13:34,550 --> 00:13:37,218 "Maybe you should just order something on the menu for once." 306 00:13:37,768 --> 00:13:39,319 I should just say, 307 00:13:39,621 --> 00:13:40,821 "What a jerk." 308 00:13:42,348 --> 00:13:45,257 And if she says, "Phil, the TV's driving me crazy," 309 00:13:45,382 --> 00:13:49,272 I should just say, "I know! There is not enough quality programming for women." 310 00:13:50,590 --> 00:13:52,228 Turn off the damn TV. 311 00:13:52,691 --> 00:13:54,641 Okay, now I'm confused again. 312 00:13:57,572 --> 00:13:59,042 I heard you had a rough time. 313 00:14:00,074 --> 00:14:02,159 Remember the days when we thought we'd live forever? 314 00:14:02,327 --> 00:14:04,861 - Don't you want to go play? - When do I ever play? 315 00:14:05,648 --> 00:14:08,248 I'm kind of wrestling with this whole "older man, younger woman" thing. 316 00:14:08,532 --> 00:14:10,500 It's like Chloe and I grew up in different worlds. 317 00:14:10,668 --> 00:14:12,412 Today I made a joke about the wiggles. 318 00:14:12,537 --> 00:14:14,754 - It went over her head. - I don't know what that is. 319 00:14:14,922 --> 00:14:16,673 It's an expression. She didn't get it. 320 00:14:19,128 --> 00:14:22,762 Yeah, it sometimes... This age thing knocks you in the head. 321 00:14:23,076 --> 00:14:24,264 That what this is about? 322 00:14:25,605 --> 00:14:28,810 I knew your mother'd remarry after me. That never bothered me. 323 00:14:28,978 --> 00:14:31,784 I figured her husbands would be your dad, me, 324 00:14:31,909 --> 00:14:34,274 and some putz who could never live up to me. 325 00:14:34,745 --> 00:14:36,318 But what if I'm not the main guy? 326 00:14:36,486 --> 00:14:39,529 What if some other guy is? What if I'm the putz? 327 00:14:40,583 --> 00:14:42,390 When my mom and dad got divorced, 328 00:14:42,515 --> 00:14:45,035 do you have any idea how many guys chased after her? 329 00:14:45,733 --> 00:14:47,204 The phone didn't stop ringing. 330 00:14:47,372 --> 00:14:48,839 Men would stop her on the street. 331 00:14:48,964 --> 00:14:51,502 Guys would propose to her from moving cars. 332 00:14:51,627 --> 00:14:54,061 They were good-looking guys, Jay. With money. 333 00:14:54,466 --> 00:14:56,755 - One of them was a Kennedy. - Where are you going with this? 334 00:14:57,119 --> 00:14:59,678 When you showed up, I didn't think you had a prayer. 335 00:14:59,803 --> 00:15:02,511 You were so nervous and sweaty, I felt sorry for you. 336 00:15:02,679 --> 00:15:04,512 I had to climb three flights of stairs. 337 00:15:05,169 --> 00:15:07,182 But of all people, my mom fell for you. 338 00:15:07,540 --> 00:15:08,724 I got a few moves. 339 00:15:08,893 --> 00:15:10,685 She fell in love during your first fight. 340 00:15:11,729 --> 00:15:13,396 She'd finally met her match. 341 00:15:16,150 --> 00:15:18,711 So if you think she's just gonna replace you when you're gone, 342 00:15:18,836 --> 00:15:20,028 then you are the putz. 343 00:15:20,831 --> 00:15:23,073 Thanks, kid. I appreciate that. 344 00:15:24,659 --> 00:15:26,759 - Thought you liked me when I showed up. - Please. 345 00:15:26,884 --> 00:15:29,246 For the first month, I didn't even bother to learn your name. 346 00:15:32,126 --> 00:15:33,792 - Is she back yet? - She's on her way. 347 00:15:33,960 --> 00:15:35,168 - You found it? - Yes. 348 00:15:35,336 --> 00:15:36,867 At the fifth store I went to. 349 00:15:36,992 --> 00:15:39,114 It was in the window, and I had to undress a mannequin 350 00:15:39,239 --> 00:15:42,425 while a creepy guy filmed it, so we have to check the internet. 351 00:15:42,842 --> 00:15:44,052 Thank you so much, mom. 352 00:15:44,220 --> 00:15:47,226 Now, go put that exactly where you found the other one, okay? 353 00:15:51,609 --> 00:15:53,216 The security tag is still on! 354 00:15:53,341 --> 00:15:55,021 I told those people to take that off. 355 00:15:56,061 --> 00:15:58,145 - She's pulling into the driveway! - Okay. It's fine. 356 00:15:58,270 --> 00:15:59,643 Don't panic. I've got it. 357 00:15:59,768 --> 00:16:02,077 - She's getting out of the car! - All right! I am doing it! 358 00:16:02,202 --> 00:16:04,323 I've almost got it. Oh, God! Oh, no! 359 00:16:04,448 --> 00:16:06,507 - What is that? - Well, it's ink. 360 00:16:08,327 --> 00:16:11,186 - She's in the house! - What are you doing with my sweater? 361 00:16:11,311 --> 00:16:12,539 Oh, my God! It's ruined! 362 00:16:12,707 --> 00:16:13,915 It was an accident! 363 00:16:14,083 --> 00:16:15,919 I knew this would happen, you idiot! 364 00:16:16,441 --> 00:16:17,752 Let's try to get along. 365 00:16:17,920 --> 00:16:19,614 I wish she was never even born! 366 00:16:19,739 --> 00:16:22,465 They were trying to make one with a brain! 367 00:16:22,633 --> 00:16:24,736 Not fair! Honey, you guys are both... 368 00:16:25,818 --> 00:16:26,992 Pretty smart. 369 00:16:31,406 --> 00:16:33,029 It's that sweater, huh? 370 00:16:33,154 --> 00:16:34,978 Yeah, it is that sweater. 371 00:16:35,146 --> 00:16:37,834 And I did everything I can to stop them from fighting. 372 00:16:37,959 --> 00:16:39,209 I don't understand 373 00:16:39,334 --> 00:16:41,484 why they can't see how much you love them. 374 00:16:41,652 --> 00:16:45,059 I don't know. Meanwhile, Cheryl called me all day, 375 00:16:45,184 --> 00:16:46,781 because she's angry I didn't show up. 376 00:16:47,069 --> 00:16:49,346 Doesn't Cheryl have a housekeeper and a nanny? 377 00:16:49,471 --> 00:16:50,952 Why does she need so much help? 378 00:16:51,737 --> 00:16:52,662 I know, right? 379 00:16:52,995 --> 00:16:54,345 You work so hard. 380 00:16:55,367 --> 00:16:56,791 You do so much. 381 00:16:57,052 --> 00:16:58,053 I do. 382 00:16:58,799 --> 00:17:00,111 Of course you do. 383 00:17:00,236 --> 00:17:01,237 I do. 384 00:17:06,304 --> 00:17:09,054 Sweetie, thank you. I really appreciate that. 385 00:17:13,912 --> 00:17:14,851 Who's my gal? 386 00:17:15,648 --> 00:17:17,335 - I am. - Darn right. 387 00:17:21,235 --> 00:17:22,565 Hey, by the way. 388 00:17:22,825 --> 00:17:24,631 Notice anything different about me? 389 00:17:29,820 --> 00:17:31,826 - What is it? - Nothing. 390 00:17:31,994 --> 00:17:34,079 - A haircut? - A week ago. 391 00:17:34,247 --> 00:17:35,914 Okay, so, tell me. 392 00:17:36,359 --> 00:17:37,791 Forget it. It's not important. 393 00:17:38,680 --> 00:17:40,480 I'll just go start dinner. 394 00:17:42,338 --> 00:17:44,188 Listen, I've been thinking. 395 00:17:45,918 --> 00:17:46,841 When I go, 396 00:17:47,096 --> 00:17:48,646 I want you to know... 397 00:17:49,598 --> 00:17:51,471 It's okay if you marry someone else. 398 00:17:51,902 --> 00:17:52,972 I know. 399 00:17:54,086 --> 00:17:55,642 Because I want you be happy. 400 00:17:55,985 --> 00:17:58,269 - I'll be happy. - You're driving me crazy on purpose. 401 00:17:58,958 --> 00:18:01,023 Jay, I'm not going to marry anyone else. 402 00:18:01,148 --> 00:18:03,983 That's what you say now, but no one knows what the future holds. 403 00:18:04,339 --> 00:18:05,735 So I want you to have this. 404 00:18:06,692 --> 00:18:07,842 Look at this. 405 00:18:08,315 --> 00:18:10,187 An empty coffee can. 406 00:18:10,922 --> 00:18:12,659 Do you know what men used to buy me? 407 00:18:12,969 --> 00:18:13,970 When I go, 408 00:18:14,547 --> 00:18:16,489 toss me in the fire, sweep up my ashes, 409 00:18:16,745 --> 00:18:17,988 stick 'em in that. 410 00:18:19,891 --> 00:18:22,127 We need to talk about this "ta-da." 411 00:18:24,008 --> 00:18:25,839 'cause I don't care if it's in a wall 412 00:18:26,143 --> 00:18:27,590 or if it's in the ground. 413 00:18:27,881 --> 00:18:29,884 Just as long as I end up with you. 414 00:18:34,113 --> 00:18:35,056 It's perfect. 415 00:18:35,224 --> 00:18:37,474 Jay Pritchett sitting on the mantel 416 00:18:37,866 --> 00:18:39,328 in the old coffee can. 417 00:18:39,622 --> 00:18:42,572 That will drive the putz crazy. And I like that. 418 00:18:52,827 --> 00:18:55,244 For whatever it's worth, I called the adoption attorney... 419 00:18:55,369 --> 00:18:56,536 Adoption, yay! 420 00:18:57,392 --> 00:18:59,372 And on Monday, they're gonna start the process 421 00:18:59,540 --> 00:19:02,709 of changing Lily's last name to "Tucker-Pritchett." 422 00:19:02,946 --> 00:19:03,947 Great. 423 00:19:04,587 --> 00:19:07,045 Again, I'm so sorry. 424 00:19:14,991 --> 00:19:18,398 I took a quick pass at Two Monkeys and a Panda. 425 00:19:18,523 --> 00:19:20,226 So, just let me know what you think. 426 00:19:21,978 --> 00:19:23,354 "Once upon a time, 427 00:19:23,522 --> 00:19:24,980 "there were two monkeys. 428 00:19:25,258 --> 00:19:28,860 "They loved each other very much, but there was something missing." 429 00:19:29,028 --> 00:19:29,986 A hyphen? 430 00:19:31,090 --> 00:19:32,590 "They wanted a baby. 431 00:19:32,966 --> 00:19:35,145 "And they heard that there was a very special baby 432 00:19:35,270 --> 00:19:37,905 "in a faraway land who needed a family. 433 00:19:38,142 --> 00:19:41,639 "She was a panda named Lily. 434 00:19:41,764 --> 00:19:43,666 "One of the monkeys was scared. 435 00:19:43,834 --> 00:19:45,629 "They'd never had a panda before. 436 00:19:45,754 --> 00:19:48,310 "But they held Lily in their arms, 437 00:19:48,435 --> 00:19:51,508 "and the scared monkey became the brave one. 438 00:19:53,243 --> 00:19:55,220 - "And the two monkeys..." - Coco and Miko. 439 00:19:55,388 --> 00:19:57,972 - I'm sorry. What? - Coco and Miko are the monkeys. 440 00:19:58,140 --> 00:20:00,266 Really? That doesn't seem a little un... 441 00:20:01,435 --> 00:20:04,475 Coco and Miko. I like that. I like that. 442 00:20:05,348 --> 00:20:06,815 Coco and Miko... 443 00:20:07,177 --> 00:20:08,840 "They traveled all the way home 444 00:20:08,965 --> 00:20:12,195 "with the perfect panda that they adopted." 445 00:20:14,019 --> 00:20:16,491 Did she just clap? She heard "adopted" and clapped! 446 00:20:17,569 --> 00:20:18,701 That's amazing! 447 00:20:19,012 --> 00:20:20,697 Oh, my God! You did that! 448 00:20:22,456 --> 00:20:24,253 You did that. That is amazing. 449 00:20:24,378 --> 00:20:26,084 I can't believe that. 450 00:20:26,252 --> 00:20:29,202 And just like that, peace returned to our house. 451 00:20:30,911 --> 00:20:33,447 Well, technically, it's my house, but... 452 00:20:33,717 --> 00:20:35,895 I will fix that, too. 453 00:20:37,221 --> 00:20:39,870 Once we finished writing the book, we realized something. 454 00:20:39,995 --> 00:20:42,229 We're not the only two monkeys with a panda. 455 00:20:42,354 --> 00:20:45,683 Gay parents are a huge market, and no one's writing for them. 456 00:20:45,808 --> 00:20:48,365 We thought we were sitting on a gold mine. 457 00:20:48,970 --> 00:20:50,275 But we weren't. 458 00:20:53,895 --> 00:20:55,320 "Gay parenting." 459 00:20:55,957 --> 00:20:57,432 "Gay adoptive parenting." 460 00:20:58,163 --> 00:20:59,940 "Gay adoption, foreign children." 461 00:21:00,512 --> 00:21:02,182 "Gay adoption, Asian children." 462 00:21:02,823 --> 00:21:04,916 "Bisexual adoption, Asian children." 463 00:21:05,629 --> 00:21:07,503 "Transgendered adoption." 464 00:21:08,118 --> 00:21:10,168 Okay, come on. Let's go, Miko.