1
00:00:00,934 --> 00:00:02,133
Real quick.

2
00:00:03,037 --> 00:00:04,790
Um, on this wonderful occasion—

3
00:00:05,082 --> 00:00:07,655
our daughter leaving
tomorrow for college...

4
00:00:08,090 --> 00:00:10,470
If I could get everyone
to raise their glass

5
00:00:10,898 --> 00:00:13,322
as I quote from one
of our nation's great fathers—

6
00:00:13,384 --> 00:00:14,527
Jefferson.

7
00:00:14,812 --> 00:00:16,052
George Jefferson.

8
00:00:16,727 --> 00:00:17,918
"I never dreamed
that one of my own

9
00:00:17,919 --> 00:00:19,472
"would be going off
to a university,

10
00:00:19,473 --> 00:00:21,370
"but here I stand,
a proud black man,

11
00:00:21,371 --> 00:00:23,633
knowing that all those hours
I put in at the dry cleaner—"

12
00:00:23,634 --> 00:00:25,310
- Phil.
- Not now, weezie.

13
00:00:25,545 --> 00:00:26,242
Where was I?

14
00:00:26,243 --> 00:00:27,355
Quoting that president.

15
00:00:27,481 --> 00:00:28,899
Okay, if she's
the future of America,

16
00:00:28,900 --> 00:00:30,721
we should start using
Chinese money now.

17
00:00:30,949 --> 00:00:32,260
We already are.

18
00:00:32,377 --> 00:00:34,575
My arm is tired. To Haley.

19
00:00:34,576 --> 00:00:36,223
To Haley!

20
00:00:36,399 --> 00:00:38,073
And before everyone
puts their glasses down,

21
00:00:38,514 --> 00:00:40,727
uh, uh, we're also
very proud of Lily.

22
00:00:40,728 --> 00:00:43,270
Tomorrow is her first day
of kindergarten.

23
00:00:44,833 --> 00:00:45,670
- To Lily.
- Oh, Lily.

24
00:00:45,671 --> 00:00:47,752
To Lily. To Lily.
And you'll be impressed to know

25
00:00:47,753 --> 00:00:49,313
that she's gonna be one
of the smartest girls there.

26
00:00:49,314 --> 00:00:51,638
Lily, sweetie, what's
the square root of 64?

27
00:00:51,639 --> 00:00:52,417
8.

28
00:00:52,419 --> 00:00:53,344
Wow. Hey!

29
00:00:53,345 --> 00:00:54,260
Nice trick.

30
00:00:54,261 --> 00:00:56,896
Hey, Lily, what's the square
root of this potato?

31
00:00:56,897 --> 00:00:57,594
8.

32
00:00:57,595 --> 00:00:59,679
Congratulations.
You have a parrot.

33
00:01:01,450 --> 00:01:03,471
We couldn't even get
through the toast to Haley

34
00:01:03,472 --> 00:01:05,180
before you pulled focus to Lily.

35
00:01:05,181 --> 00:01:07,814
Oh, come on. It's— it's a big day
for both of them. Huh?

36
00:01:07,948 --> 00:01:09,962
Haley going to college
is a miracle.

37
00:01:10,070 --> 00:01:11,708
Lily going to kindergarten
is the law.

38
00:01:12,649 --> 00:01:15,679
Well, Haley and Lily aren't
the only ones starting school.

39
00:01:16,169 --> 00:01:18,319
My mom and Jay
are going to parenting class.

40
00:01:18,320 --> 00:01:19,520
We're doing it for the baby.

41
00:01:19,600 --> 00:01:21,853
Not this baby.
That baby.

42
00:01:21,994 --> 00:01:24,456
Manny doesn't believe that
we know what we're doing.

43
00:01:24,840 --> 00:01:26,674
A couple of new hairs
under his arm,

44
00:01:26,675 --> 00:01:29,031
and now he thinks he knows
more than his own mother.

45
00:01:29,032 --> 00:01:30,386
I know not to embarrass my son

46
00:01:30,387 --> 00:01:31,990
as he stands
on the threshold of manhood.

47
00:01:31,991 --> 00:01:33,588
I don't know why I have
to go to this thing.

48
00:01:33,589 --> 00:01:35,970
In case you've forgotten,
I raised two kids.

49
00:01:37,383 --> 00:01:38,138
- Ow!
- Ow! Stop pulling my hair.

50
00:01:38,139 --> 00:01:40,425
- Stop twisting my nipple. Ow!
- Shut up. Shut up.

51
00:01:41,986 --> 00:01:44,239
Why look at me?
It was their mother's fault.

52
00:01:44,443 --> 00:01:45,623
I was barely around.

53
00:01:45,624 --> 00:01:46,454
No!
Ow, ow!

54
00:01:57,104 --> 00:02:00,600
Synced by YYeTs, corrected by gloriabg
www.addic7ed.com

55
00:02:00,790 --> 00:02:02,180
Haley, this is, like,
the third bag

56
00:02:02,181 --> 00:02:03,520
of makeup and hair care products.

57
00:02:03,521 --> 00:02:06,065
Dad, if you want me to get
good grades, I have to look cute.

58
00:02:06,066 --> 00:02:07,116
Don't say a word.

59
00:02:07,117 --> 00:02:08,660
No. No.
I agree with that premise.

60
00:02:08,685 --> 00:02:10,579
Thank you. Wait.

61
00:02:11,473 --> 00:02:12,544
Yeah, thank you.

62
00:02:15,444 --> 00:02:16,852
- Claire.
- Mm-hmm?

63
00:02:16,922 --> 00:02:19,184
In Haley's stuff,
a box of condoms.

64
00:02:19,494 --> 00:02:21,748
Yeah.
Um, I-I bought those for her.

65
00:02:21,881 --> 00:02:24,458
What? Why don't you just
buy her some fishnet stockings

66
00:02:24,459 --> 00:02:26,028
and a nurse's outfit?

67
00:02:26,127 --> 00:02:28,268
Not that that's my thing.
That just popped into my head.

68
00:02:28,269 --> 00:02:30,604
Honey, she's an adult,
and she's going to college.

69
00:02:30,605 --> 00:02:31,860
I want to be realistic.

70
00:02:31,861 --> 00:02:33,568
I don't want her
to get caught unprepared.

71
00:02:33,569 --> 00:02:36,478
24 times? What, are you
buying her a 4-year supply?

72
00:02:36,597 --> 00:02:38,522
Please.
Phil, that would've lasted me

73
00:02:38,523 --> 00:02:39,720
and my college boyfriend,
like, a long—

74
00:02:39,721 --> 00:02:41,963
La, la, la, la, la, la, la!

75
00:02:42,600 --> 00:02:44,195
Okay, we gotta hit the road.

76
00:02:44,196 --> 00:02:45,715
Give your sister a hug good-bye.

77
00:02:47,961 --> 00:02:49,096
Don't dork up our room.

78
00:02:49,097 --> 00:02:50,832
Don't slut up your college.

79
00:02:54,624 --> 00:02:57,341
Seriously, though,
don't study too hard, okay?

80
00:02:57,400 --> 00:02:58,959
I'm totally going to have fun.

81
00:02:59,246 --> 00:03:01,236
I'm Iceland in the mock U.N.

82
00:03:02,067 --> 00:03:03,434
Mom, we're gonna lose her.

83
00:03:03,435 --> 00:03:05,034
I am doing my best.

84
00:03:05,551 --> 00:03:07,827
Luke, come say good-bye
to your sister.

85
00:03:07,828 --> 00:03:09,156
I'm right here.

86
00:03:10,695 --> 00:03:12,701
Bye, Haley. Have fun.

87
00:03:12,913 --> 00:03:15,185
Don't drink too much beer
and shots of Tequila.

88
00:03:15,186 --> 00:03:16,737
Why are you wearing that mask?

89
00:03:17,358 --> 00:03:18,629
Uh, I like it.

90
00:03:18,728 --> 00:03:20,284
He doesn't want you
to see him cry.

91
00:03:20,285 --> 00:03:22,139
He's literally
masking his emotions.

92
00:03:22,140 --> 00:03:22,840
No!

93
00:03:22,841 --> 00:03:24,704
- That's so sweet.
- Come here.

94
00:03:24,802 --> 00:03:27,508
It's not sweet.
I'm an evil cyborg.

95
00:03:27,509 --> 00:03:30,267
Half my face was burned off
in an industrial accident,

96
00:03:30,268 --> 00:03:33,279
and the mask is hiding
the servos that control my mouth.

97
00:03:35,412 --> 00:03:37,499
Yes, I am sad Haley is leaving,

98
00:03:37,500 --> 00:03:40,328
but I'm gonna be okay knowing
I've done everything I can

99
00:03:40,329 --> 00:03:44,502
to get her set up and prepared
and off on the right foot.

100
00:03:44,503 --> 00:03:47,310
Not me. When we're standing
in her dorm room saying good-bye,

101
00:03:47,311 --> 00:03:49,893
it's gonna be one of the most
emotional moments of my life.

102
00:03:50,860 --> 00:03:53,194
I'm gonna cry harder than
the first time I saw "Air bud"...

103
00:03:54,354 --> 00:03:55,873
Especially when I give her this.

104
00:03:57,437 --> 00:03:58,869
- "Phil's-osophy."
- Hmm.

105
00:03:58,870 --> 00:04:01,779
A hardbound collection of
all the life lessons I've learned,

106
00:04:01,780 --> 00:04:02,835
such as...

107
00:04:05,725 --> 00:04:07,371
"Always look people in the eye,

108
00:04:07,923 --> 00:04:09,289
"even if they're blind.

109
00:04:09,360 --> 00:04:11,813
Just say, 'I'm looking you in the eye.'"

110
00:04:12,718 --> 00:04:13,789
or...

111
00:04:14,756 --> 00:04:17,042
"If you get pulled over
for speeding,

112
00:04:17,629 --> 00:04:20,131
tell the policeman
your spouse has diarrhea."

113
00:04:23,729 --> 00:04:25,016
Phil's-osophy.

114
00:04:27,547 --> 00:04:30,025
Look how much fun
you're gonna have here, Lily.

115
00:04:30,191 --> 00:04:32,014
So many great toys to play with,

116
00:04:32,015 --> 00:04:33,941
and you're gonna make
so many new friends.

117
00:04:34,263 --> 00:04:35,894
Oh, I wish I was
in kindergarten again.

118
00:04:35,947 --> 00:04:37,615
Oh, not me. Did I ever
tell you about David Anthony?

119
00:04:37,616 --> 00:04:39,382
He used to call me "Cam the ham."

120
00:04:39,383 --> 00:04:40,764
- Okay, Lily's day.
- Yeah, you're right.

121
00:04:40,765 --> 00:04:42,747
You know what?
It's gonna be a great day.

122
00:04:42,748 --> 00:04:43,900
I'm just saying,
it's difficult to grow up

123
00:04:43,901 --> 00:04:45,170
with a name
that rhymes with "ham."

124
00:04:45,171 --> 00:04:47,912
Hello? Mitch? Witch. Twitch.

125
00:04:48,054 --> 00:04:49,054
Bitch.

126
00:04:49,137 --> 00:04:50,301
Elaine Stritch.

127
00:04:50,302 --> 00:04:51,066
What?

128
00:04:51,067 --> 00:04:52,533
Not all bullies are straight.

129
00:04:52,860 --> 00:04:54,409
Okay, parents...

130
00:04:54,678 --> 00:04:56,444
- Oh!
- We'll see you at 12:00.

131
00:04:56,589 --> 00:04:57,701
- All right.
- Mm!

132
00:04:57,738 --> 00:04:59,205
- This is when the crying starts.
- Mm!

133
00:05:00,123 --> 00:05:01,362
Does it ever stop?

134
00:05:01,487 --> 00:05:02,469
Come on, Cam.

135
00:05:02,470 --> 00:05:04,398
Okay.
You know what, Lily, sweetie?

136
00:05:04,399 --> 00:05:05,809
I know this is gonna be difficult—

137
00:05:05,810 --> 00:05:06,881
Bye!

138
00:05:07,163 --> 00:05:09,281
Okay.
That was a knife to the heart.

139
00:05:09,282 --> 00:05:11,136
No, it's— it's a good thing.
Come on.

140
00:05:11,889 --> 00:05:13,607
- Oh, you know what?
She forgot her snack. - Oh.

141
00:05:15,998 --> 00:05:17,005
Where'd she go?

142
00:05:17,615 --> 00:05:20,739
Ow! That hurts!
Ow! That hurts!

143
00:05:21,003 --> 00:05:21,701
Oh, Lily, honey!

144
00:05:21,702 --> 00:05:23,628
Sweetheart, come here.
Come here.

145
00:05:24,396 --> 00:05:27,809
If you ever put your hands
on my daughter again,

146
00:05:28,218 --> 00:05:30,434
I will string you up by your feet,
run you up the flagpole,

147
00:05:30,435 --> 00:05:33,199
and let the birds
peck out your eyes.

148
00:05:33,947 --> 00:05:34,986
You understand?

149
00:05:35,270 --> 00:05:37,509
Mr. Tucker, put that boy down!

150
00:05:41,265 --> 00:05:42,744
He pulled my daughter's hair.

151
00:05:42,794 --> 00:05:44,474
Please apologize to Connor

152
00:05:44,475 --> 00:05:47,712
for using your hands
instead of your words.

153
00:05:48,532 --> 00:05:49,685
Sorry, little fella.

154
00:05:50,673 --> 00:05:52,658
- I would like to see you in my office.
- Right.

155
00:05:52,659 --> 00:05:54,537
- Now, please.
- Me, too? Oh.

156
00:06:02,667 --> 00:06:04,393
Stop it.
Leave him alone.

157
00:06:12,535 --> 00:06:14,757
Mr. Tucker, what happened
out there was unacceptable.

158
00:06:14,758 --> 00:06:17,196
I agree. Is this kindergarten
or "The hunger games"?

159
00:06:17,277 --> 00:06:19,038
I'm speaking of your behavior.

160
00:06:19,097 --> 00:06:20,588
We've never had
an incident like this,

161
00:06:20,589 --> 00:06:22,187
and now we've had
one on the first day,

162
00:06:22,197 --> 00:06:23,515
before circle time.

163
00:06:23,864 --> 00:06:25,271
What the fudge were you thinking?

164
00:06:25,479 --> 00:06:27,470
Now the boy's parents
are coming in, and trust me,

165
00:06:27,471 --> 00:06:28,897
they're mad as Hello Kitty.

166
00:06:28,898 --> 00:06:30,872
Oh, you told his parents on us?

167
00:06:31,517 --> 00:06:33,077
That is— that is so not cool.

168
00:06:33,078 --> 00:06:34,475
Well, I'm sure once they
hear what their boy did,

169
00:06:34,476 --> 00:06:35,923
they will be understanding.

170
00:06:37,103 --> 00:06:38,653
All right, whoever
made our son cry

171
00:06:38,654 --> 00:06:40,379
has messed with the wrong moms.

172
00:06:42,169 --> 00:06:43,400
Lesbians.

173
00:06:44,117 --> 00:06:46,397
While often lumped together,
gay men and lesbians

174
00:06:46,398 --> 00:06:48,433
have less in common
than one might think.

175
00:06:48,434 --> 00:06:51,270
Like in the Venn diagram
of sexual identity,

176
00:06:51,406 --> 00:06:52,644
you have gay men...

177
00:06:52,703 --> 00:06:53,814
And straight men.

178
00:06:54,745 --> 00:06:56,119
Both the same gender.

179
00:06:56,510 --> 00:06:58,044
Then you have gay men...

180
00:06:58,188 --> 00:06:59,541
And straight women.

181
00:06:59,896 --> 00:07:01,949
Both attracted to the same gender.

182
00:07:02,461 --> 00:07:04,155
But gay men and lesbians?

183
00:07:05,424 --> 00:07:06,053
No.

184
00:07:06,054 --> 00:07:07,055
Nothing.

185
00:07:07,529 --> 00:07:09,862
I am so sorry
we have to meet like this,

186
00:07:09,863 --> 00:07:11,641
but I'm sure you can
understand, as parents,

187
00:07:11,642 --> 00:07:13,721
the instinct to protect your child.

188
00:07:14,125 --> 00:07:16,556
Yeah, it's what makes me want
to punch you in the neck right now.

189
00:07:16,570 --> 00:07:18,824
Wow. I see where your son
gets all of his aggression.

190
00:07:18,944 --> 00:07:20,785
Okay, let's all take a time-out.

191
00:07:20,786 --> 00:07:22,891
That's a good idea.
This is getting a little heated. Right?

192
00:07:22,892 --> 00:07:25,833
Yeah, Pam, we don't want another
incident like at the lumberyard.

193
00:07:25,992 --> 00:07:28,550
Oh, my God. You guys
go to the lumberyard, too? D—

194
00:07:28,844 --> 00:07:30,507
I didn't know they
had a ladies' night.

195
00:07:30,525 --> 00:07:32,107
Not the bar, Sally.

196
00:07:32,238 --> 00:07:34,135
Okay, you know what?
He's trying to be nice,

197
00:07:34,136 --> 00:07:35,428
and you just called him "Sally."

198
00:07:35,429 --> 00:07:37,531
Yeah, you're not being very helpful,
Peppermint Patty.

199
00:07:37,609 --> 00:07:39,196
Okay. Let's just stick
to our actual names.

200
00:07:39,458 --> 00:07:40,594
Enough.

201
00:07:40,613 --> 00:07:42,827
I'm gonna give you
a little homework assignment.

202
00:07:42,828 --> 00:07:45,753
I want you and your kids
to have a family playdate.

203
00:07:45,848 --> 00:07:47,142
Maybe if the four of you
can get along,

204
00:07:47,143 --> 00:07:49,446
you can set a better
example for your children.

205
00:07:49,447 --> 00:07:51,726
I think that's a wonderful idea. Pam?

206
00:07:52,547 --> 00:07:53,822
- Fine.
- Cam?

207
00:07:53,830 --> 00:07:55,700
Fine. We'll host, obviously.

208
00:07:55,734 --> 00:07:56,571
"Obviously"?

209
00:07:56,572 --> 00:07:57,294
Well, I assume you have

210
00:07:57,295 --> 00:07:59,144
an unfinished woodworking
project at your house.

211
00:07:59,145 --> 00:08:00,442
You've got a lot of nerve.

212
00:08:00,443 --> 00:08:02,580
Yeah, and you've got half
a canoe in our living room.

213
00:08:04,240 --> 00:08:06,006
I look forward to your frittata.

214
00:08:06,158 --> 00:08:08,391
Oh. Why, are you visiting us in 2008?

215
00:08:08,392 --> 00:08:09,583
Oh, my God.

216
00:08:11,969 --> 00:08:12,802
Okay, thanks.

217
00:08:12,803 --> 00:08:15,373
Baby for you.

218
00:08:16,081 --> 00:08:17,911
You have some explaining to do.

219
00:08:18,014 --> 00:08:21,035
I'm so sorry that you had
to find out like this, Jay.

220
00:08:22,275 --> 00:08:24,194
Wow, you two are really far along.

221
00:08:24,383 --> 00:08:26,542
We're, uh, we're still
in our first trimester.

222
00:08:26,543 --> 00:08:27,776
Ay, that's nice.

223
00:08:27,777 --> 00:08:29,835
Yeah, we've been trying
to get pregnant for ages.

224
00:08:29,835 --> 00:08:32,090
She's latina.
You just gotta look at her funny.

225
00:08:33,197 --> 00:08:36,555
Okay, now that
everyone has their doll,

226
00:08:36,743 --> 00:08:38,531
let's talk about swaddling.

227
00:08:38,532 --> 00:08:41,273
Now you want to start by turning
one corner of the blanket

228
00:08:41,274 --> 00:08:43,216
toward you, like a diamond,

229
00:08:43,309 --> 00:08:45,316
and folding the top down,

230
00:08:46,171 --> 00:08:47,233
like this.

231
00:08:47,541 --> 00:08:50,185
I think they made a mistake
at the hospital.

232
00:08:52,604 --> 00:08:53,611
Tough room.

233
00:08:53,798 --> 00:08:56,950
Now we are going to pull
the other corner 'round,

234
00:08:57,006 --> 00:08:59,700
and tuck it in nice and snug

235
00:09:00,046 --> 00:09:01,087
like a burrito.

236
00:09:01,088 --> 00:09:03,255
Done! I win.

237
00:09:03,599 --> 00:09:04,704
It's not a race.

238
00:09:04,705 --> 00:09:06,354
You're darn right.
It wasn't even close.

239
00:09:09,687 --> 00:09:12,935
Okay, it's good,
but it's a little tight.

240
00:09:12,936 --> 00:09:15,672
It's a burrito.
You don't want the meat to fall out.

241
00:09:15,673 --> 00:09:17,735
Here. And try like this.

242
00:09:20,369 --> 00:09:21,528
And see?

243
00:09:22,702 --> 00:09:24,645
Now your baby can breathe.

244
00:09:26,714 --> 00:09:30,395
I wrapped my son with
one hand while driving a stick.

245
00:09:30,396 --> 00:09:32,457
I think I know
how to keep a baby safe.

246
00:09:36,189 --> 00:09:38,176
Man, I love being
back in the dorms.

247
00:09:38,177 --> 00:09:39,664
It's like I never left.

248
00:09:40,708 --> 00:09:43,345
Throw up a David Copperfield poster,
this could be my room.

249
00:09:43,828 --> 00:09:46,188
Honey, Haley and I have
to go fill out some paperwork.

250
00:09:46,318 --> 00:09:48,730
Why don't you throw
the linens on the bed?

251
00:09:48,731 --> 00:09:50,978
- Oh, and move the car
before they tow us. - Okay.

252
00:09:51,171 --> 00:09:52,549
Oh, my God.
What is that shirt?

253
00:09:52,550 --> 00:09:55,084
Pretty sweet, huh?
"Haley Dunphy moving Co."

254
00:09:55,085 --> 00:09:57,365
'Cause we're moving you
here and here.

255
00:09:57,671 --> 00:09:58,804
And also...

256
00:09:59,661 --> 00:10:00,779
Here. Mm.

257
00:10:01,454 --> 00:10:03,548
Man, you used to love it
when we swung you like that.

258
00:10:04,096 --> 00:10:05,343
I bet we could still do it.

259
00:10:05,614 --> 00:10:06,731
- Yeah!
- Yeah.

260
00:10:06,732 --> 00:10:07,946
Oh, no, no.
No, no, no, no, no.

261
00:10:07,947 --> 00:10:09,733
Don't you dare pick me up!
And take that shirt off.

262
00:10:09,734 --> 00:10:11,941
- What? Why?
- It's cute!

263
00:10:11,942 --> 00:10:14,286
It's not cute! Do you see
what's happening out there?

264
00:10:14,287 --> 00:10:16,465
People are walking around
and judging each other.

265
00:10:16,466 --> 00:10:17,589
No, they're not.

266
00:10:17,590 --> 00:10:18,183
Oh, really?

267
00:10:18,184 --> 00:10:19,673
You didn't see the way
muffin top across the hall

268
00:10:19,674 --> 00:10:22,842
was looking at me? People can be cruel.
So take it off.

269
00:10:23,257 --> 00:10:24,312
Fine.

270
00:10:26,476 --> 00:10:28,012
Oh, my God! Put on a shirt!

271
00:10:28,013 --> 00:10:29,950
I don't know what
you want from me!

272
00:10:29,951 --> 00:10:32,567
"You only get one chance
at a first impression.

273
00:10:32,568 --> 00:10:35,908
I suggest Julia Child,
because it's easy to do."

274
00:10:36,687 --> 00:10:38,555
"Save the giblets."

275
00:10:40,977 --> 00:10:42,328
Time to go to the beach!

276
00:10:42,329 --> 00:10:44,260
- You're gonna go to the beach with a dog?
- That dog on the beach.

277
00:10:44,916 --> 00:10:47,089
- I don't know what I did to deserve this.
- Yeah.

278
00:10:47,464 --> 00:10:49,225
I want to show Connor my toys.

279
00:10:49,226 --> 00:10:50,834
Oh, okay. You do that, sweetie.

280
00:10:50,872 --> 00:10:52,854
Hey, Connor, uh, no hair pulling.

281
00:10:53,136 --> 00:10:54,309
Thank you for that.

282
00:10:54,310 --> 00:10:57,316
Okay, we have an assortment
of spring rolls here.

283
00:10:58,069 --> 00:10:59,700
All vegetarian, of course.

284
00:10:59,868 --> 00:11:02,553
Oh, 'cause I'm a lesbian,
I'm automatically a vegetarian?

285
00:11:02,947 --> 00:11:05,121
Well, I saw it on "The I word."
I assume they have consultants.

286
00:11:05,122 --> 00:11:06,887
I'm just saying
it's an offensive stereotype.

287
00:11:06,888 --> 00:11:09,555
Okay, Pam, you are a vegetarian.

288
00:11:09,556 --> 00:11:10,397
Wow!

289
00:11:10,398 --> 00:11:11,197
Knock it off.

290
00:11:11,198 --> 00:11:12,114
Worked out.

291
00:11:13,295 --> 00:11:15,674
Yeah. So glad
that we are doing this.

292
00:11:15,675 --> 00:11:17,507
- Yeah. Yeah, me, too.
- Yeah. Yeah.

293
00:11:17,508 --> 00:11:19,570
I mean, we're the only
gay parents in the class.

294
00:11:19,571 --> 00:11:21,094
Yeah, we should be
supporting one another.

295
00:11:21,095 --> 00:11:22,930
I mean, we have so much in common.

296
00:11:22,931 --> 00:11:24,007
Exactly.

297
00:11:28,019 --> 00:11:29,538
So...

298
00:11:29,817 --> 00:11:30,884
Tell us about yourselves.

299
00:11:30,885 --> 00:11:32,668
I'm an environmental lawyer.

300
00:11:32,696 --> 00:11:34,167
Uh, and I'm a homemaker.

301
00:11:36,375 --> 00:11:37,872
And— and, uh,
and what do you do?

302
00:11:37,873 --> 00:11:39,708
I'm a financial consultant.

303
00:11:39,709 --> 00:11:41,068
I'm a contractor.

304
00:11:43,278 --> 00:11:44,955
You thought I was a P.E. teacher?

305
00:11:44,956 --> 00:11:46,044
- Well, figured.
- Mm.

306
00:11:46,045 --> 00:11:47,101
Hey, I have a question real quick.

307
00:11:47,102 --> 00:11:49,173
How do you guys get
the car seat on the motorcycle?

308
00:11:49,174 --> 00:11:51,646
Uh, you know, Connor
is having a birthday next week.

309
00:11:51,647 --> 00:11:52,958
Maybe Lily would like to come.

310
00:11:52,959 --> 00:11:54,146
Oh, she would love that.

311
00:11:54,147 --> 00:11:55,713
Oh, great.
Are you guys having a clown?

312
00:11:55,714 --> 00:11:56,921
Oh, God, no.

313
00:11:56,972 --> 00:11:59,082
I hate clowns they're so creepy.

314
00:11:59,270 --> 00:12:01,381
Maybe you just don't like them
because they wear makeup.

315
00:12:02,955 --> 00:12:04,853
You know what? I'm out.

316
00:12:04,854 --> 00:12:05,830
Okay. Pam.

317
00:12:05,831 --> 00:12:07,183
Uh... Connor, we're leaving!

318
00:12:07,390 --> 00:12:09,288
Pam! Pam! You— you don't understand.
Cam used to be a clown.

319
00:12:09,289 --> 00:12:10,820
"Used to be"?
Once a clown, always a clown.

320
00:12:10,821 --> 00:12:12,620
God! Not now! Not now!

321
00:12:12,888 --> 00:12:14,133
Connor, let's go.

322
00:12:14,134 --> 00:12:15,165
Pam.

323
00:12:18,997 --> 00:12:19,875
Why is this door locked?

324
00:12:19,876 --> 00:12:21,244
Here. Let me, please.

325
00:12:21,920 --> 00:12:23,945
Lily, open this door right now.

326
00:12:24,889 --> 00:12:26,820
Okay. I'm not hearing anything.

327
00:12:26,821 --> 00:12:28,008
I'm sure they're fine.

328
00:12:28,009 --> 00:12:29,408
Oh, how are you sure?

329
00:12:30,298 --> 00:12:31,163
Connor!

330
00:12:31,164 --> 00:12:32,508
- Lily!
- Connor!

331
00:12:32,509 --> 00:12:33,586
Lily!

332
00:12:40,241 --> 00:12:42,441
Make the water comfortably warm

333
00:12:42,442 --> 00:12:44,850
90 to 100 degrees max.

334
00:12:44,851 --> 00:12:47,872
And never leave
the tub unsupervised.

335
00:12:50,275 --> 00:12:52,785
Is there something you two
want to share with the class?

336
00:12:52,786 --> 00:12:54,353
No. It's dirty.

337
00:12:55,020 --> 00:12:57,479
Excuse me.
We're trying to learn here.

338
00:12:57,480 --> 00:13:01,443
Don't worry so much.
Babies are tougher than you think.

339
00:13:01,444 --> 00:13:04,447
When I was 5 years old,
my babysitter was a goat.

340
00:13:04,448 --> 00:13:05,332
What?

341
00:13:05,333 --> 00:13:07,116
Ay, please.
You know about Lupe.

342
00:13:07,117 --> 00:13:08,264
You never said she was a goat.

343
00:13:08,265 --> 00:13:09,425
You know, it's great that we have

344
00:13:09,426 --> 00:13:12,590
a couple of experienced
parents in the class.

345
00:13:12,682 --> 00:13:16,152
Perhaps you can share some
of your wisdom with the rest of us.

346
00:13:16,153 --> 00:13:18,006
Absolutely.
It's not rocket science.

347
00:13:18,007 --> 00:13:19,765
It's babies.
They're hungry, you feed 'em.

348
00:13:19,766 --> 00:13:21,304
They're teething,
you give 'em some scotch.

349
00:13:21,305 --> 00:13:21,863
Scotch?

350
00:13:21,864 --> 00:13:23,471
Really? Are you serious?

351
00:13:23,472 --> 00:13:24,511
What?

352
00:13:25,045 --> 00:13:26,102
So we left.

353
00:13:26,103 --> 00:13:28,261
I didn't need a lecture
from Mary Poppins.

354
00:13:28,262 --> 00:13:30,220
And I was suddenly
in a mood for a burrito.

355
00:13:38,344 --> 00:13:40,047
I'd like admission
to your student body.

356
00:13:41,024 --> 00:13:41,879
Aah! Oh, my goodness!

357
00:13:41,880 --> 00:13:43,577
I am so sorry.
I thought you were my wife.

358
00:13:43,578 --> 00:13:44,405
What's going on?

359
00:13:44,406 --> 00:13:46,007
He grabbed me and said—

360
00:13:46,008 --> 00:13:47,926
I thought she was my wife.
My wife works out a lot.

361
00:13:47,927 --> 00:13:49,006
Dad?

362
00:13:49,078 --> 00:13:49,966
How'd he grab you?

363
00:13:49,967 --> 00:13:51,901
He squeezed my butt.

364
00:13:52,094 --> 00:13:52,661
He what?

365
00:13:52,662 --> 00:13:54,283
- Phil!
- I thought it was you!

366
00:13:54,620 --> 00:13:56,577
Believe me, sir.
I'm a respected realtor.

367
00:13:56,578 --> 00:13:57,671
This is an innocent mistake.

368
00:13:57,672 --> 00:13:59,416
Honey, turn around and
show him your— your butt.

369
00:13:59,417 --> 00:14:00,982
- It— it's uncanny.
- Dad.

370
00:14:00,995 --> 00:14:03,672
I am very normal. Please do not
judge me based on them.

371
00:14:03,674 --> 00:14:05,306
Are those your My little pony sheets?

372
00:14:05,307 --> 00:14:06,611
What? No!

373
00:14:07,267 --> 00:14:08,512
Mm. Oh. I ordered them online.

374
00:14:08,513 --> 00:14:09,805
They must've sent the wrong ones.
I'm very sorry.

375
00:14:09,806 --> 00:14:11,229
- That's what was in the box.
- Oh.

376
00:14:14,293 --> 00:14:15,270
Okay.

377
00:14:15,271 --> 00:14:18,336
Uh, for the record,
I am a respected realtor.

378
00:14:18,837 --> 00:14:20,172
Those are not my condoms.

379
00:14:20,509 --> 00:14:21,676
She bought 'em.

380
00:14:21,798 --> 00:14:22,745
Oh, my God.

381
00:14:22,746 --> 00:14:24,385
Apparently, that's
what people do these days—

382
00:14:24,390 --> 00:14:25,818
- buy condoms for their kids.
- Uh-huh.

383
00:14:26,226 --> 00:14:26,790
When I went to college,

384
00:14:26,791 --> 00:14:28,257
my parents bought me
a bicycle helmet.

385
00:14:28,258 --> 00:14:29,519
That was their idea of safety.

386
00:14:29,788 --> 00:14:30,914
Certainly didn't need condoms.

387
00:14:30,915 --> 00:14:31,765
Mm, not if you were wearing

388
00:14:31,766 --> 00:14:34,648
a bike helmet around campus,
you didn't. Am I right?

389
00:14:36,035 --> 00:14:37,871
Why don't we let you guys finish,

390
00:14:37,872 --> 00:14:39,087
and we'll come back later?

391
00:14:39,506 --> 00:14:40,551
- Okay.
- Okay.

392
00:14:40,552 --> 00:14:41,100
Yeah.

393
00:14:41,101 --> 00:14:42,390
Yeah. Yep. Yeah.

394
00:14:42,391 --> 00:14:43,557
Yeah, that sounds good.

395
00:14:44,002 --> 00:14:45,361
See you on parents weekend!

396
00:14:47,127 --> 00:14:48,854
They seem nice.

397
00:14:48,855 --> 00:14:50,261
- Guys.
- I— I know. I know.

398
00:14:50,262 --> 00:14:51,755
Look, we need
to reorganize a little.

399
00:14:51,756 --> 00:14:53,854
Your dad will go out and
get us some new sheets.

400
00:14:53,855 --> 00:14:56,005
You and I can hang up
all the pictures on the walls.

401
00:14:56,237 --> 00:14:58,578
You know what?
I think it's best if you guys get going.

402
00:14:59,357 --> 00:15:01,082
But we— we wanted
to help you, sweetie.

403
00:15:01,083 --> 00:15:01,782
No, I got it.

404
00:15:02,300 --> 00:15:03,981
W-what if you wanna move
the furniture around?

405
00:15:03,982 --> 00:15:05,957
And we were gonna take you
to dinner before we left.

406
00:15:05,958 --> 00:15:08,467
I like the furniture where it is,
and I'm not hungry.

407
00:15:08,481 --> 00:15:09,486
So...

408
00:15:09,606 --> 00:15:10,917
- Okay.
- Okay.

409
00:15:10,991 --> 00:15:13,207
Um, well, uh, before we leave,

410
00:15:13,252 --> 00:15:14,724
- I wanted to give you a little present.
- Ohh.

411
00:15:14,764 --> 00:15:16,108
It's actually not a little present.

412
00:15:16,109 --> 00:15:18,443
It's probably the best present
you're ever gonna get.

413
00:15:19,319 --> 00:15:21,297
- It's a collection of all
the things I've learned— - Thanks.

414
00:15:23,987 --> 00:15:24,784
Attention.

415
00:15:24,785 --> 00:15:26,403
Dorm meeting in the common room.

416
00:15:26,404 --> 00:15:27,690
Okay, so...

417
00:15:27,956 --> 00:15:29,027
I better go.

418
00:15:29,301 --> 00:15:30,171
Okay.

419
00:15:30,172 --> 00:15:32,258
Okay, come here.
That's my girl.

420
00:15:33,361 --> 00:15:34,806
- Let me get in there.
- Okay.

421
00:15:35,271 --> 00:15:36,541
- All right.
- Bye!

422
00:15:36,597 --> 00:15:37,700
Bye.

423
00:15:40,324 --> 00:15:43,798
"The most amazing things that
can happen to a human being

424
00:15:43,799 --> 00:15:45,085
"will happen to you

425
00:15:45,370 --> 00:15:47,618
if you just lower
your expectations."

426
00:15:49,772 --> 00:15:51,722
Oh, they've got
something over the hole.

427
00:15:51,830 --> 00:15:53,396
- Lily!
- Connor!

428
00:15:53,770 --> 00:15:55,045
We can't see anything from outside.

429
00:15:55,046 --> 00:15:56,349
The curtains are closed.

430
00:15:57,062 --> 00:15:59,859
Open up, Connor!
We'll let you have a hot dog!

431
00:16:00,096 --> 00:16:01,493
What if something
happened to them?

432
00:16:01,494 --> 00:16:03,112
What kind of hazards
do you keep in there?

433
00:16:03,113 --> 00:16:04,914
Well, let's see.
That's where we keep our gun collection,

434
00:16:04,915 --> 00:16:06,112
our abandoned refrigerator,

435
00:16:06,113 --> 00:16:07,575
and our chocolate-covered
hypodermic needles.

436
00:16:07,576 --> 00:16:09,304
Why are gay men
always so sarcastic?

437
00:16:09,305 --> 00:16:10,420
It's my coping mechanism!

438
00:16:10,421 --> 00:16:11,544
Okay, that's it!

439
00:16:11,825 --> 00:16:13,895
Lily, Connor, if you can hear me,

440
00:16:14,391 --> 00:16:16,376
back away from the door.
I'm gonna break it down.

441
00:16:16,377 --> 00:16:16,964
I'll help you.

442
00:16:16,965 --> 00:16:19,025
I don't want Connor to go!

443
00:16:19,091 --> 00:16:20,473
I wanna stay!

444
00:16:20,483 --> 00:16:22,002
Oh, thank God they're alive!

445
00:16:22,024 --> 00:16:23,094
I love him!

446
00:16:23,095 --> 00:16:26,196
No, you love the idea of him.
Now open this door, sweetie.

447
00:16:26,676 --> 00:16:28,744
Can we really have hot dogs?

448
00:16:28,745 --> 00:16:29,968
Yes, we promise.

449
00:16:32,449 --> 00:16:33,529
Oh! Come here, sweetheart.

450
00:16:33,972 --> 00:16:35,089
If you ask me,

451
00:16:35,090 --> 00:16:37,758
sometimes we get so hung up
on our differences,

452
00:16:37,784 --> 00:16:39,718
we forget the one thing
we have in common.

453
00:16:40,046 --> 00:16:42,579
When it comes to the safety and
well-being of our children,

454
00:16:43,154 --> 00:16:44,662
we're all a little bit nuts.

455
00:16:46,483 --> 00:16:48,849
You have dainty little hands,
just like your daughter.

456
00:16:48,971 --> 00:16:50,385
You have boots like my dad.

457
00:16:52,329 --> 00:16:56,131
I'm not saying that the goat put me
to sleep or brushed my teeth.

458
00:16:56,193 --> 00:16:58,439
It just stayed outside
my bedroom window

459
00:16:58,440 --> 00:17:00,142
and scared all the strangers away.

460
00:17:00,143 --> 00:17:02,117
Well, I'm not gonna lie.
I'm a little disappointed.

461
00:17:02,191 --> 00:17:03,222
Hey, kid!

462
00:17:03,457 --> 00:17:05,742
Jay, mom, how was class?

463
00:17:05,743 --> 00:17:08,649
It was great.
It was very educating and—

464
00:17:08,650 --> 00:17:11,056
and now we know
everything about the baby, no?

465
00:17:12,018 --> 00:17:14,404
Interesting, because
your teacher called,

466
00:17:14,405 --> 00:17:16,419
and you forgot your sunglasses
when you left...

467
00:17:16,797 --> 00:17:17,988
Three hours early.

468
00:17:19,346 --> 00:17:20,552
Ay, Manny, don't be mad.

469
00:17:20,553 --> 00:17:23,047
I'm not mad.
Just disappointed.

470
00:17:23,623 --> 00:17:25,944
I hate this.
I prefer when he screams.

471
00:17:25,945 --> 00:17:27,485
Manny, it's no big deal.

472
00:17:27,486 --> 00:17:29,839
They weren't telling us anything
we didn't already know.

473
00:17:29,840 --> 00:17:31,170
We're going to have a baby.

474
00:17:31,171 --> 00:17:32,757
Am I the only one who's terrified?

475
00:17:32,758 --> 00:17:33,987
But why?

476
00:17:34,494 --> 00:17:36,650
Why are you so terrified?

477
00:17:36,651 --> 00:17:38,486
What if it doesn't know
not to pick up knives

478
00:17:38,487 --> 00:17:40,333
or stick its finger
in an electric socket?

479
00:17:40,473 --> 00:17:41,944
You were pretty lax, mom.

480
00:17:42,038 --> 00:17:43,103
I was the one who told you

481
00:17:43,104 --> 00:17:44,548
to turn the pot handles
towards the stove

482
00:17:44,549 --> 00:17:45,509
so I couldn't reach them.

483
00:17:45,510 --> 00:17:47,349
Manny, I didn't worry
about those things

484
00:17:47,350 --> 00:17:49,652
because you worried
for the both of us.

485
00:17:49,848 --> 00:17:51,895
What if this baby
doesn't think things through?

486
00:17:51,902 --> 00:17:52,815
It's part Jay.

487
00:17:52,816 --> 00:17:54,023
No offense taken.

488
00:17:55,244 --> 00:17:57,305
If the baby's different,
we'll be different.

489
00:17:57,745 --> 00:17:58,800
Hey.

490
00:17:59,699 --> 00:18:00,682
When you were growing up,

491
00:18:00,683 --> 00:18:02,975
you had to be the man
of the house and the kid.

492
00:18:02,976 --> 00:18:05,222
Now I'm here.
You just have to be the kid.

493
00:18:05,517 --> 00:18:07,731
I'm not gonna let anything
happen to the baby,

494
00:18:07,745 --> 00:18:10,977
just like I'm not ever gonna let
anything happen to you.

495
00:18:10,978 --> 00:18:11,953
Okay?

496
00:18:12,395 --> 00:18:14,472
Okay. That is a load off.

497
00:18:15,382 --> 00:18:18,746
Although you forgot to pick me up
last week after tango class.

498
00:18:18,747 --> 00:18:21,145
We didn't forget.
We were just ten minutes late.

499
00:18:21,185 --> 00:18:23,072
Ten minutes is a long time
in a sketchy neighborhood.

500
00:18:23,073 --> 00:18:25,510
Please. It was between
a Gymboree and a Pottery Barn.

501
00:18:26,324 --> 00:18:28,072
"Dance until your feet hurt.

502
00:18:28,781 --> 00:18:31,067
"Sing until your lungs hurt.

503
00:18:31,556 --> 00:18:33,865
Act until you're William Hurt."

504
00:18:38,485 --> 00:18:39,748
How you doing? Are you okay?

505
00:18:40,577 --> 00:18:41,944
Yeah. No, I'm...

506
00:18:42,247 --> 00:18:43,770
I'm— I'm— I'm good.
You?

507
00:18:43,771 --> 00:18:44,857
Fine. Yeah.

508
00:18:45,597 --> 00:18:46,715
Great.

509
00:18:58,675 --> 00:19:00,490
"Take a lesson from parakeets.

510
00:19:01,029 --> 00:19:02,579
"If you're ever feeling lonely,

511
00:19:03,049 --> 00:19:04,559
just eat in front of a mirror."

512
00:19:06,374 --> 00:19:08,634
"Never be afraid
to reach for the stars,

513
00:19:08,928 --> 00:19:10,358
"because even if you fall,

514
00:19:10,676 --> 00:19:13,617
you'll always be wearing
a parent-chute."

515
00:19:13,823 --> 00:19:14,894
TM."

516
00:19:18,473 --> 00:19:20,679
Haley. Hi, honey. You okay?

517
00:19:21,410 --> 00:19:22,497
Yeah.

518
00:19:23,244 --> 00:19:24,165
Where are you guys?

519
00:19:24,166 --> 00:19:25,548
Almost home, honey.

520
00:19:25,776 --> 00:19:27,326
Dad, I really like that book.

521
00:19:27,925 --> 00:19:28,971
You do?

522
00:19:29,217 --> 00:19:31,152
Sweetheart, is everything okay?

523
00:19:31,483 --> 00:19:34,920
Yeah, I just wanted to say
thank you for everything,

524
00:19:35,415 --> 00:19:36,950
you know, today and stuff.

525
00:19:40,347 --> 00:19:41,094
O-of course.

526
00:19:41,095 --> 00:19:43,050
- Sure. - Of course.
If—if you need anything at all...

527
00:19:43,051 --> 00:19:44,195
You just call us.

528
00:19:44,513 --> 00:19:46,266
I'll probably need
some more condoms soon.

529
00:19:46,267 --> 00:19:47,402
Not funny.

530
00:19:47,682 --> 00:19:49,359
I'm sending you
some Care Bear sheets.

531
00:19:49,806 --> 00:19:50,877
Anyway,

532
00:19:51,242 --> 00:19:54,064
I should probably get going.
We have orientation at 7:00 a.m.

533
00:19:54,375 --> 00:19:55,830
G-good luck with that, sweetie.

534
00:19:57,898 --> 00:19:59,113
I love you, guys.

535
00:20:00,205 --> 00:20:01,436
We love you, too, honey.

536
00:20:02,513 --> 00:20:03,864
So, so much.

537
00:20:04,098 --> 00:20:05,168
Bye.

538
00:20:05,301 --> 00:20:06,363
Bye, Haley.

539
00:20:07,745 --> 00:20:08,871
I'll miss you.

540
00:20:23,458 --> 00:20:27,247
"Marry someone who looks
sexy while disappointed."

541
00:20:28,599 --> 00:20:29,678
See?

542
00:20:30,328 --> 00:20:33,461
"Older black ladies
make the best iced tea."

543
00:20:35,426 --> 00:20:37,888
"Success is 1% inspiration,

544
00:20:37,973 --> 00:20:40,376
"98% perspiration,

545
00:20:40,826 --> 00:20:43,119
and 2% attention to detail."

546
00:20:43,615 --> 00:20:45,821
"You can tell a lot about a person

547
00:20:45,822 --> 00:20:47,483
from his biography."

548
00:20:49,256 --> 00:20:51,270
"Watch a sunrise
at least once a day."

549
00:20:53,340 --> 00:20:55,386
"If you love something,
set it free,

550
00:20:55,710 --> 00:20:56,973
unless it's a tiger."

551
00:20:58,460 --> 00:20:59,940
"If you're ever in jam,

552
00:20:59,941 --> 00:21:01,617
"a crayon scrunched up
under your nose

553
00:21:01,618 --> 00:21:03,608
makes a good pretend mustache."

554
00:21:04,351 --> 00:21:05,950
"When life gives you lemonade,

555
00:21:06,549 --> 00:21:07,855
"make lemons.

556
00:21:07,856 --> 00:21:09,831
Life will be all like, 'what?'"

557
00:21:10,031 --> 00:21:17,523
Synced by YYeTs, corrected by gloriabg
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